Today I’m the blog stop on the Fulfilling Your Vows Valentine’s Day blog tour! Welcome, everybody!
I met my husband while I was in university. We became best friends quite quickly and were soon spending all our time together, telling each other everything. It was wonderful.
About a year and a half into that friendship I realized that I actually liked him “that way”. And soon after we started dating. Again, I told him everything. We could sit for hours and just talk–about important stuff, about not so important stuff, about anything.
When we got married I believed that’s what intimacy was–that ability to talk about anything, and still feel as if the other person heard you. But somehow over the course of the first few years of our marriage we lost that. When you’re friends, it’s easy to feel intimacy because you don’t have expectations on the person in the same way, and so it’s harder for them to let you down. It’s easier to feel, “we’re total soul mates”.
But in marriage, expectations come to play. Maybe you have different ideas of who will do the dishes, or of how hard both of you will work outside the home, or of how much you’ll make love.
And these things take a long time sorting out when we get married. Quite often couples never do entirely sort them out.
When we’d have a particularly bad time in our marriage, I often would think back to those dating days, and wish that I could get back to “real intimacy”. If only we could just talk for hours again, we’d feel close.
I now realize that I was wrong.
Talking and sharing your heart is a wonderful PART of intimacy, but it is only a part. And in marriage, it isn’t enough.
In marriage, intimacy involves making love. I think sometimes we women pigeonhole sex into being something that he “needs” biologically, and so we sort of look down on sex, like it’s a baser thing, while talking is a higher thing. But perhaps that comes from a misunderstanding about sex.
We tend to think that sex is all about the physical–it’s about getting release, and doing so in as pleasurable a way as possible. So sex is only about pleasure.
But it’s so much more than that! The way that God made it requires deeper and deeper levels of intimacy to make it wonderful. We’re naked together, which is intimate. In order to relax and really let go and feel good, we have to become vulnerable. We have to tell him what we like, and we have to literally and figuratively let him in. Literally because that’s how sex works, and figuratively because for women, sex is mostly in our heads. We can’t get aroused unless we DECIDE that we’re going to enjoy it. For us it’s largely a mental experience. And that means that we need to make the decision to embrace him–that we’re not just going to “lie there”, but we’re actually going to have a good time.
Making love, the way that God designed, truly is intimate.
And when we don’t make love, or when we only make love rarely, intimacy in our marriage is hindered. We feel more distant. We feel like there’s something wrong. We long to talk, but somehow it never quite brings that heart connection that we want. And when we feel distant, we often start snapping at him, because we don’t want to feel guilty about it. So we tend to frame him as the one in the wrong. It’s a vicious circle.
Intimacy, when you’re married, isn’t only about talking and feeling like best friends. It’s about sharing something with your spouse that you don’t share with anybody else. It’s letting him in. It’s laughing together. And it’s also feeling that deep hunger for each other. Somewhat ironically, when we feel that way, we’re often more drawn to pray together, because we’ve already become vulnerable with each other. We’ve let down all the pretenses. That’s also why when we pray together first, it often makes sex even more intense.
When we’re married, intimacy encompasses all of that–your body, your heart, your mind. And it’s a truly beautiful thing.
Maybe you don’t have that. Perhaps sex has always been difficult for you because you’re an abuse survivor, or because you did things before you’re married that you’re not proud of. Maybe he’s the one with no libido, and you feel really alone. Maybe sex has just fallen off your radar screen because you’re so busy and so tired and everyone’s hanging off of you all day already. And maybe you just feel really distant from your husband.
I’m not saying that getting your sex life right will fix all of these problems. I know that some things are far more deep seated. But I also know that when we are connecting physically, it makes it so much easier to tackle some of the other problems in our marriage–communication, finances, parenting techniques, whatever.
Often we women think that we need to get those things sorted out first before we can have a great sex life. Those are the things holding us back. Or we figure we need to create this super close friendship again first. That’s natural, because in general, women need to feel loved to want to make love. But can I make a suggestion? Understand that it works the other way for him: men need to make love to feel loved. And if you concentrate on loving him that way, and becoming more vulnerable, and more selfless, it’s quite likely that he’ll also feel closer to you in other areas of your marriage, too.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I don’t know where you are in your marriage today; maybe you’re angry, or resentful, or just lonely. Maybe you just feel blah. But try to focus on doing what you can to feel more intimate in every way–including in the bedroom. And if you do prioritize the bedroom, you just may find that a lot of these other problems are much more easily solved.
When I started doing that in my marriage, I suddenly got my best friend back again. And now, whenever we start to feel distant, I often find that before we really talk about why, we need to make love. It increases the goodwill between us so that we can tackle these problems.
So don’t think that your marriage would be better if only he’d become your best friend again. Instead, focus on how to be his lover, and you just may find you have your best friend, too.
If you don’t know where to start, try my 31 Days to Great Sex ebook. It’s only $5, and it comes with coupons you can give him to announce it for Valentine’s Day. It’s not like it’s “31 different ways to have sex”–though there is some in there about how to spice things up. Instead, it’s about how to connect more emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and how to talk about this area of your life, so that you become so much closer. Find out more here.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Total, huge, gargantuan, neon, AMEN!
Most women (at least the ones I know) own a stubborn streak when it comes to getting the ball rolling toward a positive relationship.
The “Why should I have to be the one?” pops up and there is the first nail in the marriage coffin if you can’t figure out how to get yourself in the right frame of mind and get your marriage back on track.
In my case, addressing my husband’s needs was automatic. I know that isn’t standard experience — it won’t happen for everyone — but it did for me and I know it’s the only solution when you are mired in grueling issues that won’t go away.
Anyone out there who feels distant, unwanted/unloved, that your friendship in marriage has dwindled/disappeared, I dare you to MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. It’s the best dare you can take.
Correction: In my case, addressing my husband’s needs prompted an automatic response. It took me years to find I was blind and ignorant of his needs — and finally calling on God opened my eyes and showed me where I needed to make changes.
Certainly, my addressing of his needs wasn’t automatic. I was slow and unseeing. It’s amazing we survived.
Amy recently posted..Preparing Your Heart for Valentine’s Day
That’s exactly how I feel Sheila! My husband & I used to talk for hours when we were dating & it’s taken me 7 years of marriage to figure out that our new love language is sex. It’s really how I feel love from him & how we stay connected now.
Sheila,
Thank you SO much for your beautiful article. Yes, everything you said about intimacy is so true. I’ve learned much of it the hard way over the 12+ year course of our marriage. But just like you said, it is worth the vulnerability you may have to face in order to help your marriage connect on a deeper level of intimacy. Thank you so much for being a part of our 14 Days of Fulfilling Your Vows series. You are a blessing to the body of Christ and women everywhere! Have a wonderful week!
“Intimacy, when you’re married, isn’t only about talking and feeling like best friends. It’s about sharing something with your spouse that you don’t share with anybody else.”
LOVE this truth about intimacy–so very well said! Excellent post..!
The weird-but-true thing about intimacy is that when you have it it feels effortless and when you don’t it feels impossible to reach. It is such a lie, however — jumping that hurdle of just doing what you know you need to do yields huge strides.
Lori @ In My Kitchen, In My Life recently posted..Parenting for Lazy People: Use Your Resources
Amen! And the more you practice the better it gets
Natalie recently posted..Art of Virtue
“The more you practice, the better it gets”…
Discovered that truth the fun way! :-0
Great article Sheila! The best thing I did for my marriage was decide to pursue more sex with my husband. What I have found is that making our sex life a priority has reduced the “unnecessary clutter” in our marriage by 90% (By clutter I mean, irritation, short tempers, hurt feelings, snippy-ness, etc.) True, it doesn’t solve all marital problems, but it sure helps to clean things up so that fights don’t explode over taking out the trash, and other ridiculous petty things.
That’s exactly what I was trying to say! Thank you for that. It cut to the heart of it.
Gals, this is going to seem harsh or mean spirited. It is not meant to be in the least, just a general observation from a man who may know something and may not, I’ll let you be the judge.
As we look around the world we seem to have women in general that are “giving it away” and when we look in church we seem to have a great many women who can quote “a man who even looks at a women lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” but seem to forget how many wives the great men of the Bible had, the whole Song of Solomon’s, that the only person who can’t have more than one wife is someone who is in leadership in the church…okay you get the point I hope that men are wired for sex (the majority of us). The biggest complaints I see on here is my man won’t be a “man” (lead, take charge, just sits and watches video games) and pornography. I won’t even get into headship of a marriage. But it seems to me, who again may or may not know something, we’ve stopped letting men be men. We’ve tried to make them into a hairier version of a woman (and even the hair thing is in trouble these days….).
Now I’m not saying whether it’s culture, government agenda, Satan, women’s lib or men’s laziness that caused this, I’ll let you be the judge but they’ve had a frightening success.
I will say this as a man who would die for my wife and gives her everything I have every day, whether that be in work ethic, love, sacrificing, etc. that no matter how much I love my wife if she does not have sex with me (I understand it’s intimate, intimacy, making love…it’s all those things but sometimes it’s just sex also) at LEAST every other day, no matter how much I love her I’m distant from her. You add an extra 24 hours onto that and I’m cranky, moody, etc. AT that moment I’d sitll die for her without thinking, my love is not diminished….but it is not a WANT it is a NEED. And it is scary as I look around the church, even view Christian teaching on the web the outlooks of Christian women on sex in marriage. If you want a man, if you want a husband that is close to you, sleep with him please. It’s who he is. He’s not a pervert. He’s not being needy. He’s not being selfish. It took my wife over a decade to finallly realize this and finally realized not just what a husband who loves her is, who is committed to her is but one who is happy and getting HIS needs met is.
Please take a hard look at more than one verse in the Bible. Take a hard look at what being a man is. Let him be a man and show him you are glad to be his man and jump in the sack with him often…show him you love him.
One of a multitude of reasons that I don’t take the Old Testament seriously AT ALL. (The multiple wives thing.) It’s just a bunch of lies and parables written by men who were often trying to justify their horrific actions (genocide, etc) by claiming that God told them to do it. Granted, some of the parables have really good lessons. (Having faith, etc.) But it’s not a history book, and the God we’re taught about in the New Testament would never condone most of the things that the Israelites supposedly did that were supposedly ordered by God. And the God of the New Testament wouldn’t have done half of the things the writers of the OT claimed He did.
And no, the fact that we believe in a man having one wife rather than a harem does not mean that we’ve turned men into a hairier version of a woman. The New Testament God very clearly commands each man to have one wife. What you say truly is offensive. Are you the same Anonymous who on other posts defends pornography?
Also one reason I don’t like the Song of Solomon – because the man was a pig and didn’t know the first thing about intimacy. And no man who had hundreds of wives could possibly be considered wise.
Jenny,
I’m sorry to offended you…I guess. I don’t defend porngraphy, it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. What I have said is that for SOME men, men who don’t just gravitate to it out of a complete sinful nature but because they are not having their needs met sexually by their wife that they are much more prone to using pornography & that the wife shares some of the blame/fix etc as she is also in sin be refusing. In a way she is cheating on him, even if its not with another.
Lastly, because I don’t want to fight with you or cause you pain….I know of no Christian church who doesn’t accept the Old Testament and New Testament as The Bible or the same God. Lastly, show me where in the New Testament it commands a man to have one wife? I believe one wife is the ideal, don’t get me wrong. I’m not moving to Utah anytime soon! What I am saying is we are going to use the Bible as our scripture, guide, authority then we don’t get to pick and choose the parts we like. We take them as a whole. It states specifically when talking about the elders, teachers and pastors of the church that they are to have one wife (why would they need to be specific here if it did not apply to all?) And as a whole we are taught that men have very strong sex drives, it is how God designed us, and no doubt we can pervert that but so can/have women. My point being Christian women in the church today (not all, but half?) have a very negative view of sex . They wonder why their man won’t be “a man”…but some men have just given up (again, some out of laziness no doubt) but it’s just a loosing battle. Between sex, equal roles (notice I did not say importance, but roles), etc. being a man is offensive to a great many these days it seems…at least the man the Bible talks about. I feel like women, even some women on here, want to pick and choose the parts of “a man” even a godly man they want and would rather not have to deal with the rest. For example, they want him to be the godly leader of their home (except when they want to tell him what to do), they want him to be the provider, they want him to be their protector but then they ignore the other half of that equation…the same things that cause us to do all those things also cause us to want to throw you on the bed and make sweet love to you on a VERY regular basis. This is my point. Just like we can’t pick and choose the parts of the Bible we like, you are doomed to be miserable and your husband miserable if you “pick” the parts of a man you like and tell him to please push down the other parts that aren’t convenient for you.
This is also the same Anonymous that responded to you the other day and has kept you in my prayers every day since (also your husband)….I didn’t think that qualified me as a pig.
Jenny,
I should not have included that last half of the last sentence. I apolagize. When I started writing I was nice and calm…. and I guess I got worked up by the end. I’m sorry. I wish you and your husband the best, really.
Well, I called Solomon a pig, not you……
I didn’t mean to offend either, and I think many others have commented more clearly (particularly Sheila) why I – why we were offended by the idea of polygamy being acceptable in God’s eyes.
Also, I’ve read Sheila’s blog for some time, although I do go for periods of time without reading it, just depending on what’s going on. She has always, always, always encouraged women about the need men have for sex, and that we also need it too. She is understanding that there are issues that cause some women to not want to – and there are issues that cause some men to not want to. She addresses those issues in a way to encourage and help women overcome those issues, so that they are able to enjoy healthy, loving, mind-blowing, and frequent sex with their husbands.
If there is some issue that is causing a person (man or woman) to have low libido, or to feel dirty about sex, or feel self-conscious about their bodies, or whatever, it’s not the best idea to pound the Bible over their head and say, “God commands that you have sex with me as much as I need you to, so do it now!!!” The best idea is to get to the root of the issue, figure it out, work it out, and grow together in intimacy – so that your spouse will feel safe with you, safe to be vulnerable with you, so your spouse will feel loved and accepted, and able to realize that they too can get pleasure from sexual intimacy.
Those are my thoughts. I kind of went off on a tangent about the Old Testament.
Thanks for praying for my husband and me. We definitely need it!
Dear Anonymous,
You said ‘ What I have said is that for SOME men, men who don’t just gravitate to it out of a complete sinful nature but because they are not having their needs met sexually by their wife that they are much more prone to using pornography & that the wife shares some of the blame/fix etc as she is also in sin be refusing. In a way she is cheating on him, even if its not with another.’ – Whenever any person, be it a man or woman looks at pornography it is done because of our sinful nature. Simply put there is no justification for sin. God wants us to truly repent and accept accountability of our sins and that means no trying to justify them with any excuse, at all. When God used the prophet Nathan to convict David of his sins 2 Samuel 12 1-13, David did not try to justify his sins. He answered simply …”I have sinned against the LORD.” God forgave him. When we fully accept our accountability for our sins, we can fully accept Gods forgiveness, He then can continue working in us and transforming us through Christ Jesus.
You also said (this one made me chuckle
) …’it in a little came across as to get what you want you got to put out now and again.’ – I’ve been reading Sheila’s blog for a couple of years now and the message I feel she has consistently conveyed is ‘to put the needs of your spouse first and yours will be met.’ Sheila may not have used those exact words, but that is what I have always come away with when reading her articles. So much so that I actively encourage other women to read Sheila’s blog. We live in the age of me, myself and I. I really appreciate the fact that Sheila tells us how it should be, you, us and ours.
Men and women do think differently and have different needs. It is not always easy to see it from the others perspective. The important thing is that we want to get it right and are willing to try/work at it. We are all at different stages in our walk with God, but we are all running the race beside each other. I pray you won’t be discouraged.
“Testament” means covenant. The God of the New Testament/New Covenant IS THE SAME GOD as the God of the Old Testament/Old Covenant. It’s all One Book, inspired and breathed by One God. The two CANNOT and should not be separated.
Your point is what exactly? You’re objecting that the language isn’t strong enough to suit you? When there’s a stream of women commenting on here that sex really is a blessing in their marriage and that they’ve learned putting sex ahead of taking out the trash or doing the dishes actually makes their entire marriage better?
Also, multiple wives in the Bible is never (to my knowledge) displayed as a good idea. When you consider how many men where led into sin because they couldn’t keep it together I think it’s rather silly to argue that polygamy in the Bible supports your point.
Natalie recently posted..Art of Virtue
Natalie,
I agree wholeheartedly on the polygamy thing…really do. Just trying to make the point of a strong sex drive. Sorry if it came off differently.
My point? First I thought Sheila did a great article/blog…fantastic actually. I guess my point is she got to the point from the woman’s side (the point being intimacy/oneness) & I like I usually do when reading her stuff thinks it’s awesome but while I often end up in the same point I’m starting from a different starting spot as a man. She showed the journey to the goal line/point from the women’s perspective and I guess I was showing it from another.
I’m sorry I offended. I think I’m done posting here…I’m not trying to object, or offend anyone. I agree with Sheilda 80% of the time or more. I guess i often just see the journey different and I know in my own marriage it helped me to see my wife’s journey so I could better love and serve her. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say and can’t quite find the words. I’m thankful for the 10 or so posters that said, yes sex is a good thing…I just wanted it expressed it others reading just HOW big it is to a man, not just if you want to have intimacy with your husband then make love to him…that’s SO true but it’s more than that is all. Again, sorry to use multiple wives, it’s not the ideal. I was just trying to prove that many of these same men we teach every Sunday in sunday school how to have faith like them also had such a drive…I was trying to express the need from a man’s perspective, that’s all.
Thank you all for what I’ve learned from you. It’s been great to learn a women’s perspective so I can better love my wife.
I totally agree that wives need to respect their husbands and let them be men. Absolutely.
But I want to point out that polygamy is NEVER endorsed in the Bible. It was practiced in the Old Testament, but God spoke against it. In Genesis it was clear that a man would leave his father and mother and be united to his WIFE. One wife. And God told the kings not to have multiple wives.
Every instance of polygamy in the Bible is portrayed as an absolute disaster.
In the New Testament, the leaders were instructed to have only one wife, but so was everyone else. The leaders were held to a Christian standard–so what they did was supposed to be emulated. That is God’s design.
As for Song of Solomon, I’ve always taken it to be an example of God’s revelation. Solomon, in my opinion, never understood real intimacy. He couldn’t have with multiple wives. But God used him anyway to write a love story–a love story that God probably wished Solomon understood, since it was his multiple wives that pulled him astray.
The Old Testament was not meant to be emulated; it was a story of God speaking to an imperfect people. And if you look at early church history, and even the requirements to be a Pharisee in Jesus’ day, polygamy was shunned.
So to say that men were created for polygamy is to go against Scripture and God’s design.
Men have more testosterone than women; thus, they tend to have higher libidos (though in about 30% of marriages the woman has the higher libido, largely because of porn use among men). But that does not mean that men were wired for polygamy; it simply means that we were wired for a beautiful intimate sex life with our spouse, where we learn give and take.
Sheila,
Sorry one last post! All I want is to be biblical, that is all. If I am wrong I am wrong. But I believe your statement about how the OT is not to be emulated is just flat unbiblical. We are very much to emulate the faith of the women and men of the OT. I’ve preached in three churches, been a member of a half dozen (Baptist and Methodist) since being saved at 16 and every single one has said/taught the faith of the OT. We can’t take David, who had a heart after God’s own, without the whole story of David. Also, God does not tell the Kings to take one wife, he tells them not to take many wives (DUET 17:17). As far as the New Testament, please show me the verse where it says everyone is to have one wife? Again, I believe one wife is the ideal. However, while polygamy is against the law I can find no where in the Bible where it against God’s law unless you are an elder or overseer of the church. Paul in his teaching did not put the same responsiblities/duties/etc on your average Christian as he did on those in leadership, as he clearly says they will be judged more stringently. Again, I want to Biblical…I hope that is all of our goals. My post was to state this is the goal, or what I or any husband here wants, it was to state the size of our drives and while I am so thankful that is to be met by my one and only wife…that’s no small job, just as loving her as Christ loved the church is no small job on my end.
If I am wrong, please show me the scripture.
There is a huge difference between what God permitted and what God wanted. From the beginning, one male and one female was the norm. The creation story–male and female–Noah’s ark–one of each. David was called a man after God’s own heart but he also was a man who sinned. The Bible never said he didn’t sin. And most of his sin was in regard to polygamy and the horrors that it brought on his family.
NEVER does the Bible say that polygamy is okay. NEVER does God say that we should do this. The only times that God gives commands about marriage it is one woman and one man. They even understood that then. It was absolute church practice at the time, and it was practiced by the Pharisees then.
So are you saying that the elders are to be “super holy”, but everybody else just only has to be a “little holy”? No, what God is saying is that there is ONE STANDARD for holiness, but in the most important things the elders must shine or else they can’t lead the church. And they are commanded to have only one wife. It isn’t because they are holier; it’s because this was absolutely essential to God–so essential that he wouldn’t allow anyone in church leadership who was polygamous.
The fact that he commanded elders not to be polygamous actually disproves your case, not proves it. Let’s say that it wasn’t that important to God; He’d prefer monogamy, but He’d tolerate polygamy. Then why insist that elders be monogamous? He only had a few preconditions for being elders, and this was one of them, meaning that of all the areas where it was possible to screw up, this was one where God said absolutely not. Here, for instance, is 1 Timothy 3:1-7:
“This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he desires a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.”
Now, what does it not say? It doesn’t say anything about swearing. It doesn’t say anything about modest dress. It doesn’t say anything about being generous. Does this mean that being generous isn’t important to God? That not swearing isn’t important to God? Of course not! But when God is saying, “what are the characteristics that would cause the church to fall apart if they were in leadership”, these are the ones that are listed. So it’s not that elders need this, but no one else does. It’s that EVERYONE needs these things especially, so much so that you’re not even qualified to be an elder if you don’t have them.
The fact that it’s included in the list means it’s MORE important to God, not less.
I’m not meaning to argue with you; I just want to make sure that those reading this blog are not leaving with the impression that God condones polygamy. On the contrary, throughout the centuries the Jews and Christians were often the only monogamous people on the planet, because monogamy was that rare. And it was those who knew God who were monogamous first.
Sheila,
And I’m not trying to argue with you either, but I think this is important. Your first sentence said, there is a difference between what God permitted and what God wanted. I think you nailed it there. Again, God does desire one man and one woman, but I can find no scripture where he forbids otherwise…does that make sense. I agree 1000% that is the ideal, God plan. Just like God does not want divorce, but he does permit it. Look, I think polygamy is wrong. I’m not arguing for it. What I am saying is that some of the most “godly” men that we teach about every Sunday had such a drive that they did have more than one wife. And I will agree that in many (most) cases it became their downfall, but many like Gideon…not so much.
Look your article came across like this to my man eyes and reasons for all my posts and since I’ve already ticked everybody off I won’t sugarcoat it. To summarize it sounded like this, “well if you haven’t had a good long talk or feeling distant from your husband maybe it’s time for some sex” and while I agree with you my point is it was time for sex WAY before that point. I did not feel you caught the gravity of what sex means to most husbands, it in a little came across as to get what you want you got to put out now and again. Sorry, I know you meant well and I’m hoping I’m just reading completely into things and it’s all my fault. However, I regulary feel that way with your writing…that you mean well but you are meeting the man’s perspective a 1/4 of the way there and not half. Sorry, that’s why I have been so vocal whether it’s a guest post where you are divorce proofing your marriage and sex is not even listed in the 10 items or first 10 comments (until I mention it) or when pornography is completely men’s fault and sin, but then I know in my own life and marriage I gave up absoltely cold turkey when my wife realized what my needs were and grew a libido….but your comment was “let’s stop blaming the wives”. Look you are crazy talented writer and I appreciate what you are trying to do but I just ask you to consider not just the woman’s way of looking at men, but the man’s way…if that makes sense. I constantly feel like your intentions are the best, but you can’t get out of the way of your gender enough to get 1/2 way, meet in the middle. Don’t worry, I could never do it either. While I love my wife more than anything…I’ll never understand the way she thinks. That’s why I’ve spent six months here and a few other blogs…and I thank you for letting me intrude but I won’t anymore. And I am sorry if I offended anyone in the slightest. It wasn’t meant to be. I just believe that if we are going to believe radically enough that looking at another woman lustfully is adultery then we need to believe radically enough on the other side that men’s sex drives aren’t something so you can occassionally feel intimate with us and lovey dovey…it’s WAY bigger and deeper than that.
10-4 I’m out. Thank you
Anonymous how would you advise wives who are ready and willing all the time and whose husbands have NEVER been interested in sex. They force themselves to do it once a week or less to shut their wife up, but even then act like it’s a huge chore.
You say let men be men… what about in relationships where they have done this? Where this hasn’t been an issue where men lose interest because of something their wife has done, but where they have been this way right from the wedding night?
What do you do when a man will neither have sex nor talk?
You say it’s hard after 48 hours? and extremely hard 72 hours without sex? Put yourself in my situation. After the wedding night, my husband and I had sex only three times in the first week of our honeymoon, then nothing for the rest (10 days without sex, 8 days without any intimacy at all) and then he could barely force himself to have one last time after those 10 days, when he was going away for work for 6 WEEKS. In the first 2 months of our married life, after the initial 4 times in the first two days, we then had sex a grand total of 4 times in two months. And it hasn’t got much better since.
He constantly knocks back sex to the point where I only initiate twice a week now because being rejected every single day was breaking my spirit. And even then he grumbles about how that’s too much and rejects me.
I wish people would say what you say to MEN like my husband. That a marriage needs physical intimacy.
And all I get is a marriage counsellor who just makes me out to be a perv because I want it 2-3 times a week instead of the once a week or less hubby forces himself to do it.
Butterflywings,
I’m not sure what to say, except to say I’ll pray for you and your husband…and that something is probably very wrong with your husband. He’s either suffered abuse, WAY into porn, attracted to men, or Low T…or something else. Sorry to be so blunt…I don’t know if women appreciate bluntness quite so much, but I like it very much. Something is very wrong though and I’m sorry for your hurt. Someone who has never been rejected over and over (or even rejected emotionally over and over even if the are there physically…they’ll lay there and pretend/wish they were somewhere else) never knows the absolute and deep hurt, and lonliness. I wish I could offer words of wisdom, other than to say get to the bottom of it as fast as you can and to say you will probably have to very vulnerable and willing to hurt to get to the bottom of it…it won’t be easy. And pray, I have to say…it took thirteen years for my wife to be healed and it almost broke my faith. I won’t lie, but there is hope. Miracles can happen. I won’t repeat her history but read some of my other posts over the last month…miracles can happen, and I’d like to believe God did it. He took his sweet time, but He did it.
Can you write, or perhaps have a male guest writer write, a post about men who survived childhood sexual abuse (ongoing rape and such)? And how to overcome the consequences of that – a deep fear of intimacy, low libido, homosexual tendencies/confusion, depression, addictions to alcohol or drugs to escape the memories, anger, etc? I’ve read books on the subject, but nothing I’ve read has really gone into the way it affects a man’s sex life with his wife. They may talk about how he may grow up with confused sexual tendencies, but not really talk about how to overcome it, and it may touch briefly on low libido and fear of intimacy but again, not really talk about specific ways to overcome those specific things. Your review of “The Fantasy Fallacy” went into it a bit, but I would like to see something a little more focused on men. I know this is a website mostly for women, but a lot of us (or some of us, at least) have husbands who were sexually abused as children – it’s more common than people realize – and it creates huge problems for wives as well…..in one of the books I read, I cried a bit because it had a section for wives, where the man (who was a survivor) said that we are victims of the abuse too.
Childhood sexual abuse endured by the man is a cause of many sex and intimacy problems for many marriages, and I think it would be pertinent to women to have a post on that – because as that author said, we wives are the victims of the abuse too. We also deal with the consequences.
I think this is a great request and would also like to see it addressed. Thanks for your ongoing love of this ministry, Sheila! You’re a mentor to so many of us. I liked the statement in an above comment that we are all teammates in this race. You are a great cheerleader. Keep it up, girl! You are doing His work so well.
Pearl recently posted..Redeemed by 5:21, Grace and Nakedness
I totally agree with this post. Sometimes I feel distant from my husband and can’t figure out why. I’ll try talking to him a lot, snuggling with him, etc., but the feeling doesn’t go away. Then it will hit me that we haven’t had sex in a while. Once we make love, the distant feeling is gone and I feel so close and intimate with him again. Sex communicates a lot without words.
To anonymous. 1 Corinthians7.2 states that each man is to have his own WIFE ( singular).Ephesians5.31 also says wife and the TWO shall become ONE flesh. Ephesians 5.33 also says to love his own WIFE(singular).
Thanks, VR.
These later posts seem to have got away from the original theme which was a simple question, “What is real intimacy”.
For what it is worth my view is this.
I am really trying to put my wife’s needs before my own. This is not easy as we all tend to be selfish if left to our own devices. After almost 40 years of marriage God has finally got His message through to me. Just being with her, whatever we are doing I really feel ‘one flesh’ with her. She is the most important human being in the world to me, before our children and grandchildren, simply put she is God’s gift to me. When I know we are going to make love I pray that I shall meet her needs and that she will be fulfilled. Then when we go to bed I pray again. In the next hour when we are physically intimate in each others’ arms, before during and after the act of marriage I feel totally emotionally and spiritually one with the most wonderful woman in the world. It is an experience so beautiful that mere words cannot express it.
Real intimacy involves a sexual relationship but also so much more, it involves both of us loving and caring one for the other all the time. Of course we fail from time to time, but those times are becoming much less frequent. I believe that Christian marriage is a wonderful gift from God.
Obviously I was drowning here and not getting my point across with out offending anyone. Because my wife asked me to I will post one last time and please forgive me if you can look at this with fresh eyes. I am not advocating of polygamy in any sense or form. What I was simply saying is God’s design is without a doubt for one man & one woman, however just as he knows the hardness of men’s hearts (“even looking at a woman lustfully), he also knows the hardness of womans hearts. He did not condemn these godly men of the Old Testament for having more than one wife, many provisions were made for those with more than one wife (like for example which son gets what). AGAIN GOD DESIGN IS FOR ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN. However, when listing the sexual sins of the bible having more than one wife is not listed. Am I comfortable or advocating for it…not in no sense at all. But what I am saying is our Bible, which is the living word and truth of God did not condemn these men who did.
Okay I will come back to this above point. Re-read this blog post. If you are reading it through a sex-positive wife’s eyes you won’t see it. If you are reading it thru a wife’s eyes who sex is a chore or even disliked, see what it says. It could VERY easily say, “hey, when you start to feel distance between you and him it’s probably a good idea to have sex.” Not regular sex (2,3 or more times a week) is something he needs…but like it was okay to wait until you noticed intimacy was lacking (good long talks)…even some of the comments was like yes, when I see us being distant I realize it’s been awhile since we made love. My point was, why has it gotten to a point where it’s been awhile? Now I realize Sheila is a sex positive woman and has a sex positive message in a Christian marriage, but would you know that from any post in the last month? I realize her message today addressed this, as she notes she’s probably covered this a lot in the past, but as a marriage blog and one specifically geared towards woman I don’t mean to sound offensive but the hardness of your hearts often lands on not seeing or meeting the need sexually for men within marriage (and you can see this throughout the culture of the church).
I am not trying to pick on Sheila. I cannot express how thankful I am for what she is doing. She’s wonderful at it. If I have one complaint as I read her blog over and over again over the last 5 months or so is that while I think she has the correct meeting spot, compromise spot, for men and women in marriage it is that she takes for granted that a great many of the women here understand. For example, Paul over at Generous Husband is wonderful about beating us over the head just about every other day with don’t lust and put her first. It’s hard to forget the message. If a man is starting a spot A and the woman is starting at spot B and we are to meet at spot C, he pretty much walks us all the way over to B to get back to C (and sometimes we only get part way back). Sheila, I love your writing and I do pray for you. And I realize you’ve covered this stuff in the past. However, reading this as a man who has counseled I can’t even count how many sex starved Christian husbands I don’t want to take for granted the, “duh, yes regular sex is EXTREMELY important.” Because regular from a great many women in the church and regular to most men men drastically different things.
So my whole point about wives things, is to point to the vast differences in drives. I think a great many women have no understanding about the importance/largeness/deepness etc of a man’s drive. It was not meant to offend or imply that was what I wanted or acceptable. Just to say, God permitted it as he also knows the hardness of woman’s hearts.
Lastly, before I leave this blog. The other topic which comes up over and over again and I seem to get in the middle of is pornography. Ladies, I hate the stuff. It should never be used. I’m not advocating for it in the least. What I am saying is don’t try to pull the speck out of his eye if the plank of refusing is in yours. And the only other note on porn. Don’t take that one verse out of context. Read the whole sermon and you will realize that if you take that as literal as many wives on here who are going to divorce their husband over porn, then you should do so from behind a jail cell door as anyone who has been angry has committed murder, etc. Again, I’m not advocating for porn, it is adultery. But Jesus’ point was there was no way we could work our way into heaven. We were all such adulterers and murder’s that only thru His blood would we make it.
Again, I want to thank you all for letting me intrude for these months. It’s been a huge blessing and I thank you in Christ’s Name.
I can’t really answer to much of what you’re saying, since I am the one with the super high sex drive in our marriage (this topic has always been reversed for us, although his drive is getting higher now that he’s working through issues), except that maybe for women who have low sex drives, it’s good to encourage them to realize that when they meet their husband’s needs, their needs will be met as well?
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Jenny,
Thanks for your reply….thanks for admitting you can’t understand. You are the rarity in wives as far as drives! While I think Sheila’s 30% number of wives who have the higher drives is correct, it’s probably a much smaller percentage who actually have “high drives” just not comperatively high to their low drive husband (whether that be porn induced or Low T…sometimes I honestly think the food we eat and water we drink is having a big effect on us). I see two epidemics in our church, porn & wives who just either aren’t willing to have sex or can’t understand and don’t. Definetly, some of that overlaps. I came back to post these last couple things because, first I didn’t want Sheila to think I was VERY appreciative of what she is doing. Second, I think Sheila’s only got bigger things coming her way (bigger platform) and I see this is the chink I see in her armor (my above comments about A, B & C & taking where a lot of gals are coming from for granted). Back when I was in the ministry, sure we had the folks like she spoke about today who are downright mean or evil, but the “pain in our side/behind” because they pushed our ideas …well while uncomfortable at the moment made me a lot wiser man and minister.
I’m thankful my wife has come around tounderstanding, but it was more than a decade of absolute lonliness on my end. I’m not on here for me. I know there are folks out there who are hurting so bad or so selfish they just have to have a platform, voice, etc. In all honesty, thankfully, my wife is healthy enough now she can communicate her feelings to me as the Lord has really healed her…but when I started here I was here to learn women’s brains! Thanks for letting me have that opportunity. Now that it is not needed I wanted to leave with these two things I felt very important, sorry it got sidetracked with the multiple wives thing.
lol, yes, the multiple wives thing really threw everyone off course…..
Jenny recently posted..Valentine’s Day!
I can’t get my husband to talk or have sex. He’s been like this ever since we got married. He used to talk to me, now he doesn’t. The only thing that has changed is getting married, having sex and moving in together.
I don’t feel he loves me and even when I tell him what my deep needs are, he does the total opposite. I have not felt so alone since being married to my first husband who was a violent adulterer who would only come to beat me and sleep. At least he apologises. My new husband is never sorry no matter how much he hurts my feelings.
I replied to your comment on another post, trying to encourage you that you’re not alone – I guess you do know physical abuse, too.
I’m so sorry, and again I’m keeping you in my heart and in my prayers.
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