Today’s guest post is from Joanne Kraft, who shares some great tips for blended families.
While speaking at a women’s conference an adorable young mom came up and introduced herself to me. It wasn’t long before we were talking about our family. I asked, “How many children do you have?”
“Three.” She smiled. “My nine year old son is from my husband’s first marriage. Our seven year old and five year old daughters are our biological children.”
I wanted to cry. This sweet gal, without knowing, it had touched a tender spot in me. It happens quite often, actually. If I owned a soap box, I’d climb high above the crowd to shout about labeling children in a blended family. While it was great she called her “un” biological child her son, she set him apart from the rest of the family and told me he was different.
Why does this pain me so?
Because our family is blended. We come from broken beginnings.
According to national statistics, 48% of all families will end in divorce. From that number, 79% of the adults will remarry two and even three times. There are 35 million Americans in the US today who are remarried. There are an additional 36 million Americans who are divorced or widowed. (US Census, 2007) 1 out of 3 Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily –a mismatched, disjointed motley crew of people trying very hard to be a family.
That’s a boatload of families under the umbrella of “blended family” attempting to put the pieces of their lives back together again. And, what about foster families? Dont’ forget international adoptions and let’s not overlook single moms and relatives standing in the gap for loved ones and raising little ones.
Broken Beginnings
When I recently sat down with Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family, he asked me the ages of my children then followed up by asking how long I’ve been married. When I mention our daughter is twenty years old, then go on to share my husband Paul and I have been married almost fifteen years, it’s not hard to do the math.
“You’re a blended family?” He kindly asked.
“Our family comes from broken beginnings.” I shared. “I married very young and had two little ones before my divorce. My husband and I weren’t Christians. I don’t say that to make an excuse for my divorce but to let you know just how selfish our world was at the time. I know now that God can breathe life into dead things.” I went on to share all God had done in our lives to make things new and whole again.
Jim Daly just smiled and listened. Finally he quietly asked, “Why aren’t you writing a book about this?”
God Doesn’t Call Me His Stepchild
If people don’t know our family intimately they’re always surprised to discover we are a blended family. We don’t use the word “blended”. It’s not that it’s forbidden it’s just never been used. Any labels like half sibling or stepchild make me physically ill. I don’t even know how you can have half a brother, half a child?
When I gave my life to Christ I became His. He doesn’t call me His stepchild. The scriptures say, “But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12 He adopted me and calls me His. I’m not Jewish. Yet, He loves me as His own chosen daughter. He makes no delineation between the promises He makes to me or any of His children. His word says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2Corinthians 5:17
If Christ is our example and He doesn’t label us, why do we label and set apart our own children?
4 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Loved
For those of you who may have never thought of this before, here are a few suggestions from one blended family who has been there.
•Never introduce your son or daughter as your “stepchild” or explain they aren’t your “biological” child. Nothing hurts a little one more than being reminded they are different—especially from their parents.
•Always introduce your son or daughter as just that. I can hear some of you now. “But, what if my stepson won’t call me mom?” Or, “He already has a mom.” If your child isn’t comfortable calling you mom then they shouldn’t call you mom. But, nothing is stopping you from introducing him as your son. It gives a child value and boosts their security and self- esteem when they feel they are loved and belong.
•Never share the whole story. No one needs a play by play of your family’s history—especially when your children are present. Save the intimate details for your best friend and doctor.
•Always gently correct those who label—especially in the presence of your child. I understand people are curious and don’t mean any ill will. When my daughter was working at a coffee house a woman came in and said, “I didn’t realize Samuel was your half-brother.” Meghan was taken aback. She’d never heard that before and kindly corrected her. “Samuel is my brother.” Can you imagine the impact her words would have had had her little brother heard them?
I’m not one to get tattoos, but if I were Revelation 21:5 would be the verse I’d have engraved in bold and swirly cursive letters, “Behold He is making all things new.” Whether you’re in a blended family or are a single parent, remember, God is in the “new things” business. It’s His specialty.
If God can seamlessly put back together the broken pieces of our family, if He can raise His son from the dead, He can raise your family from the ashes, too.
Joanne Kraft is a recovering too-busy mom and the author of Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. A sought-after speaker, Joanne’s articles have been published by Chicken Soup for the Soul, Thriving Family, In
Touch, ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, Kyria, P31 Woman and more. She’s appeared on CBN News, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, The Harvest Show and Sacramento & Co.
Joanne worked as a 911 Police Dispatcher where she met the love of her life, Paul, while dispatching him to a call. Lifelong Californians, the Kraft family took a cross-country leap of faith and moved to Tennessee to raise their four children Meghan, David, Grace and Samuel and have happily traded their soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.
Sign up for Joanne’s monthly newsletter Encouraging Women.
There is another step i feel you missed. my husband’s family is blended and my best friends children are. husband loves step dad but still has a good relationship with dad. also my best friends daughter still has a good relationship with her mom. i don’t think either of them felt or feel weird when the truth is spoken.
That’s fantastic, Amanda. Sounds like you’re around some amazingly grounded blended families.
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I love this post. Such a good word. But I also think that HOW things are said makes a big difference. I tell folks we have three kids, but sometimes I do use “step” in relation to my son. However, it’s not the first thing out of my mouth, and it’s said in love. In fact, for a long time my younger daughter called my husband StepDad as an affectionate name. She had a Daddy and having two men called the same thing would’ve been confusing. Before we married, she called him by his first name, but StepDad was what she came up with. (Since then she’s switched to just “Dad” and her bio father is still “Daddy.”) Anyway, I think the relationship and manner in which titles are used is an ever bigger deal than the terminology, but I completely agree with your heart and this post is a fantastic reminder!
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When my kids were young, they called my husband “Pauly”. It wasn’t until baby #3 arrived that they began calling him “Dad”. I was happy it began organically. Thanks for the encouraging words Jamie!
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Sheila may I ask for some advice?
What do you suggest children call the “other family”, particularly if they have no contact?
My daughter has a half brother and stepsister she has never met?
My exhusband is an abusive man and the mistress he married is a violent child abuser who hates my daughter and made my ex choose between her and his daughter after a year of their relationship being public.
My daughter has never met her stepsister as the other woman lost custody due to harming her daughter, and she has never met her halfbrother because he was born after her father cut off contact.
She is however aware through extended family that she has a half brother and stepsister (mistakenly calling the half brother a “stepbrother” before it was explained by my parents what half and step actually meant).
I don’t think encouraging her to call them brother and sister is the right way to approach it as she may not meet the half brother until they are adults, and I doubt she will ever meet this step sister due to the fact her father is close to being divorced a second time.
My second husband calls her his daughter (we only ever share otherwise when it’s relevant to explaining why he can’t sign legal documents for her or when people add up our ages and work out he is pretty much too young to be her father – he was 16 when she was born – not impossible, but highly improbable when people work out the age gap). She sometimes call him daddy, sometimes calls him by his first name as she is used to calling him that since we first met. She began calling him daddy sometimes since the day we got married.
I hadn’t planned to have her call him daddy – I used to believe that that title belongs to her father – but when she started it, I decided if they are both happy with it, then why not. It’s nice to be a family even if the law doesn’t recognise he is any relation to her.
But how do we deal with what to call “the other family”. Her father is still her father even though he hasn’t seen her for years. And even when his divorce goes through, the half brother she hasn’t met, is still family. what do you suggest she call him?
I just wish that there was a way to avoid all this mess. My first husband claimed to be a christian and only after getting married, did I find out he just didn’t take it seriously. Once the ring was on the finger, he became an entirely different person. I wish he could see the damage that breaking up a family can do.
If it’s okay, I’d like to try and answer this for Sheila.
My post speaks most directly to how the parent labels their child/stepchild. When our kids were little, they didn’t call their stepdad “dad” until they felt comfortable doing that. I never told them how they should our shouldn’t address him. They affectionately called him “Pauly” for the first year of our marriage. They were six and three years old at the time.
I think it’s important to not force a relationship where one doesn’t exist, but always speak of the “other” family respectfully. You can only control how you respond/react. The rest is up to your child.
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Joanne, praying for this situation!
I love this post. I am from a blended family. I guess the reason that I say I have 4 children (I was blessed to be a Mom/wife when I married my husband) is for this very reason. I was a “step” daughter for far too long. My “step” mothers (yes 2 of them) made sure to introduce me as such. One def earned the title of the wickedstepmother. One thing that I realized in my life that I if I ever married someone that had children, I would treat them like I would have liked to have been treated when I was a child.
I am very thankful that she and I are close… she just turned 28 years old so that makes her a part of my life for 25 years and I am so blessed. There were some tough years, as her mother did not take it very well that she considered me, “Mom”. To this day she will tell you that because of her Daddy & I, she knows what a real family is. And I promise you she never calls any of her siblings (on either side) “half”! Blood could not make our girls any closer than they are! Unfortunately, I am still called the “step” sister….but I can’t change the past, but I did have a choice in my life and in my children’s futures!!
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That’s so great, Piper! What an example your family is for others like ours who are blended. It really is all about being intentional with all your kids no matter whether you share the same DNA or not. Kudos to you!
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What if my husband’s daughters live with their mother? Is it ok to call them HIS daughters? They call me betsylynn, not mom. We know we love each other. Isn’t that what matters?
Absolutely! LOVE matters most. Kids know it if they’re not loved or treated like second hand family. I have a stepmom, my mom passed away when I was in my 30′s. I don’t call her “mom” but she calls me “daughter” and to tell you the truth…I LOVE it.
Oh, it is so good to read this today, that someone else shares my views on blended families! We call ourselves an adopted family here because we are all adopted as sons and daughters of God. I’m so thrilled to see this! (And we aren’t a perfect family by any means!)
Yay! So happy this touched your heart, Rachael!
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I love this.
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I have to vehemently disagree with this post. I understand your intentions I to, am blending a family. As one of my favourite authors says: “step families don’t blend, they collide.” (Dr. Kevin Leman)
One of the biggest issues in a stepfamily is trying to turn it into an instant family. Children need time. A lot of time to even begin to be called a step parents son or daughter. Aside of a myriad of issues with step families to say you get physically sick when that/a lovely woman separated her children from his. You have no idea why that may be. My husbands children came into my life at 13&9. That was 8 years ago. I have talked to them and they do not want me to call them “my children” because they are not!! They were older when I came into their lives and the son/daughter/mom thing just hasn’t happened.
I actually believe it is respectful of my husbands children and their mother when I tell people that “my husband has 2 children, I have one and we had one together”. It doesn’t mean we don’t get along. It’s quite the opposite but we have often communicated (with each other) how they want our relationship to be defined.
I’m upset that you don’t bother acknowledging the stepfamily. It’s as if you want to erase the children’s originating family. A family that children grieve for a long time.
In some step families it may be very appropriate to do as you requested in your post. But consider there are so many different situations – single parents marrying divorced parents . . Childless women marrying men with children . . . Considering the children’s age and maturity . . . I could go on. But sweeping statements such as you have made in this post is not kind, or supportive at all. If I sound harsh . . . I apologize in advance . . There is enough thrown into the direction of the step mother. Be kind. It’s not an easy road we take when we take on another’s children.
When trying to explain family relationships of my in-laws I say “my father-in-law and his wife” and “my mother-in-law and her husband”. I don’t make the distinction to put distance, or to indicate some sort of pecking order…but it can get confusing when I refer to both ladies as “mother-in-law” or both men as “father-in-law”.
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Thank you thank you thank you for this wonderful post! I have actually written blog posts about the word “step”and how much I hate it! I am the mom to a beautiful ten year old girl who has been in my life for almost four years now. I call her my daughter, I see her as my daughter, I tell people she’s my daughter, she LOOKS like my daughter… and she just started calling me “Momma”. There are no steps in this house. I know this is why she and I have a relationship like no other “step-mom”/”step-daughter” relationship I have ever seen. We just loved each other from the start.
I think this post begs the question, What is a stepmom’s role in a blended family? The answer to that is as varied as each individual in each blended family. Please note: this includes ex-spouses, though this reality often doesn’t occur to the newlyweds until they are reminded that another adult can have influence over relationships in their family.
In our blended family, the birthmom has always been very jealous of me, therefore dishonest, vindictive, and catty at every turn. One of my stepchildren bought her stories hook, line, and sinker. Unless under the exact right circumstance, which is complicated to determine, it is offensive to him if I introduce him as my son. He is now an adult, and a few years ago God completely freed me of responsibility to build relationship with him. I cried tears of joy.
Also in our blended family is my stepdaughter, who is a beautiful member of our family. After 10 years of blending, she told me in private that I am her mom. To protect her birthmom, however, we keep that little secret mostly to ourselves. People who really know us, know the truth.
Is blending a family worth it? I’ve honestly had days where I would have advised anyone thinking of attempting it to run far, far away. On the other hand, there have been days when I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s truly part of the “for better and for worse” part of our marriage vows. If you’re thinking of blending a family, know that it likelly be harder than you ever imagined. If you’re already in the process of blending, know that it can be done; it just might not be the neat little package you hoped for.
Above all, protect your relationship with your spouse. Long after ex-spouses become silent and children of all sorts leave the nest, the true test of success will be your relationship with your spouse.
I would welcome advice on this subject.
My husband and I married 16 months ago. He has no children and I have two from my previous (emotionally abusive) marriage. Unfortunately, my ex-husband has been less than gracious and in his anger that I finally got strong enough to leave, he has dumped all the blame for the ending of the relationship on me and has not been at all considerate of our children’s feelings. He was quite happy to tell them all sorts of lies (eg I had an affair with my now husband before the separation) and basically dumped all his misery and hang-ups and bitterness onto my girls.
I have been very careful not to bad-mouth him because at the end of the day, he is their Dad and I want them to have an ongoing relationship with him, and so from their perspective I am the “bad guy” and they blame me totally. They know he was not without fault but believe I should have loved him anyway. They choose to forget how he frightened them with his rages during our marriage.
Because of all the negative things he has said about my new husband, they don’t like him at all. It breaks my heart when they refer to my ex’s fiancee as their new stepmother, but refuse to even speak with my husband. She seems like a perfectly nice person, and I’m glad they like her, but I feel they have been robbed of a relationship with my husband who is such a lovely guy. I know it breaks his heart too but he calmly takes everything they throw at him and just hopes that one day it will change.
Is there anything I can do to help them like my husband? What do you suggest when I talk about things to do together as a family and they say “why does he have to come, he’s not in my family”?
Thanks in advance.
I agree wholeheartedly with this article! My two oldest children are adopted. They are accepted and loved by my husband’s grandparents, but sometimes his grandmother introduces them as “my adopted great-grandchildren”. It always sets my teeth on edge but I could never figure out why. Now I feel like I can explain to her why not to do that.
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I enjoyed this post. I grew up in blended families. My mother remarried once, and my father remarried twice. I have no so called whole siblings. In my mother’s side of the family we where not to use the words half and step to refer to our siblings. I have no step siblings. Even as an adult I would never refer to my siblings as half, it feels like it takes something away from our relationship. I always say the best gift my mother ever gave me is my siblings.
Hi Joanne. Thank you for a lovely article but… may I respectfully disagree?
Certainly, in the case of adoption, to continue to refer to the child as ‘adopted’ is cruel and unnecessary and rather misses the point. And if one parent has died or is estranged, and the step-parent effectively fills that parent’s role, then I can see that the child and parent may want to refer to each other as simply ‘my mum’ and ‘my child’, for the added security that brings.
But if the birth parent is still alive, it is a rare circumstance where it is acceptable to refer to the child as ‘your child’, or yourself as ‘mum’ – unless the relationship with the birth parent is so poor that the child wants to do that. (If you and husband ended up divorced, how would you feel about your husband’s next partner calling your child ‘my daughter’ and themselves her ‘mum’? You’d be outraged and distressed – quite rightly.)
To use my family as an example, my parents divorced when I was young, and my dad’s subsequent wife (my step-mum) is a beloved member of the family. My brother and I love her dearly, as did my mother until her death. Yes, my dad’s wife and ex-wife were extremely fond of each other, and we all consider ourselves blessed to have my step-mum in the family.
HOWEVER, if she ever started referring to herself as our ‘mum’, and us as her ‘children’, my brother and I would be horrified. It would be extremely disrespectful and hurtful to our mum (and now to her memory), not to mention weird, controlling and a bit psychopathic – like she was going to start dressing up in our mum’s clothes and trying to pretend she gave birth to us or something!!
We’d honestly think she’d developed mental health problems.
We all refer to each other by our first names, and occasionally, with genuine fondness and affection, as step-mother, step-daughter etc. She never had her ‘own’ children (something we all grieved over with her) so my brother and I are something of a substitute (although actually there isn’t enough of an age gap for her to be our parent), but we would be thoroughly weirded out if she started to think she was our mum!! (I also don’t like it when people refer to them as my ‘parents’, or my ‘dad and mum’ and always correct them).
If my dad and step-mum had managed to have children, they would have been warmly welcomed by us all, and probably referred to as ‘brother’ or ‘sister’, and only as ‘step’ when trying to explain our complex family set-up to someone else.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that every family is different. In some situations, to refer to a step-child would be hurtful; in others, to not include the ‘step’ would be unacceptable and overstepping the mark. Maybe the problem is that we still think ‘step’ has negative connotations (from evil step-mothers in fairytales, I guess). But if our family, ‘step’ isn’t a negative at all.
Vive la differénce.
Sorry, of course I meant ‘half’ when referring to potential brothers and sisters in my penultimate paragraph!
I thank God that my family was all raised together as a family. It was very important to my dad. I’m the youngest of 7 children. My mom and dad each had children and then married each other and had me. Sometime we would jokingly say we were like the Brady Bunch except that we went farther by having me. We would get questions because of the age gap. My 6 brothers and sisters are fairly close in age and I’m 9 years younger. I remember as an adult, my sister introducing me as her half sister. This was the first time she had ever called me that and it really hurt as an adult. I can’t imagine what it would’ve felt like if she had done that when I was a child.
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Great article! Our family is ‘blended’ as well and my children are simply my children…there was never even a second thought
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