Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it.
This week’s question comes from my Facebook page, where Holly M. asks :
How do I help my husband really hear my heart and not just my words — to get him to pay attention?
What do you think? Let’s help her in the comments!
Husbands can’t hear your heart unless you tell them. They are not mind or heart readers. I think we, as women, want our husbands to become women…to become sensitive and understanding and know what we want but they are men and will act as men. If you want or need something, tell him. Don’t allow your expectations of what he should be destroy the relationship that you have. Expectations kill relationships.
Lori recently posted..How To Avoid The Flu
trust me I tell him!
Holly recently posted..Hello Bloggy Land ….
I’m a husband here. The way you do it is 1) Get to the point and provide the condensed version. We don’t mind hearing what needs to be heard, but we do mind sitting through superfluous details that have no real bearing on what’s going on. ‘Just the facts, ma’am.’ If your husband starts to get a glazed look in his eyes, it’s because you’re overloading him with more details than he needs. Really! 2) Present those facts in a situation which is mentally and physically comfortable. Mentally comfortable in that there’s not something he really needs to get to right now – like work or to sleep. And physically comfortable in that you’re not locked-eyeballs-standing-in-the-kitchen-in-front-of-the-refrigerator so he can’t even get his snack without being accused of not paying attention. For heaven’s sake, make sure you’re sitting down first. And extra brownie points and even more chance of success (for those super-important talks when you really want his extended and willing commitment to liseten), combine ‘the talk’ with a recreational activity – a walk, a car ride, something like that. Men don’t like the feeling of being ‘trapped’ – it’s like being grounded – ‘you’re not going anywhere, young man, until you sit down and talk to me and repeat it back to me so you can prove you’ve heard what I say!’ We really are listening to you – BETTER than when we’re eyeball to eyeball – when we’re simultaneously engaged in a pleasurable activity. Because when we’re locked eyeball to eyeball and not allowed to do anything but listen, chances are great we’re too busy thing, “When is she ever going to get done yakking so I can get out of here?!”
see but that is part of the issue … why do I always have to do the condensed version … ok fine once in awhile but do you not see how hurtful your last sentence is?! I am so TIRED of being the only one making concessions when it comes to communication
Perhaps Anonymous’ last sentence was hurtful, but I think he’s quite right. I think that is exactly what our men are thinking when we “corner” them. Anonymous has certainly described my husband to a T (wonder if he IS my husband)…
That being said, my best friend once told me that men need to know what “mode” you want them in before you lay out what’s on your mind… Does he need to be in “dragon-slayer” mode: you’re looking for a solution to a problem – or just in listen mode: you don’t want him to DO anything, you just need to “vent”, for lack of a better term. I’m not gonna pretend it works all the time, but I’d say more often than not. Hope it’s helpful to you too.
Here’s the thing. You are the one who wants to do the communicating. Chances are he is not as interested in communicating as you are. He could take it or leave it. So that means, you need to communicate in a way he can deal with; thus you are the one making concessions.
Often times men want sex, but we women are not as interested in sex as our men are. We could take it or leave it. If he wants sex, he needs to do it in a way we can deal with. Take more time, etc. Thus he makes the concessions.
At least that is how I see it. You want communication to be as important to him as it is to you. That may never happen.
I recently asked my husband what the best way is for me to get his un-divided attention when I want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, and guess what……he said in the car on a drive!
Don’t lose heart, Holly. Men are different – and for good reason! Maybe you have a girlfriend you can confide in that will fill your desire for longer conversations?
You need to just tell him in words what your heart needs. A lot of times we women expect our hurt to be evident when we say, “No, I’m FINE,” or things like that. But that’s not fair. Men are literal, and really, we should be too. Speak clearly what you need, rather than wanting him to infer from your actions.
And if it’s important, make sure you have his full attention before you start talking. That’s a problem we have in this house. So if it’s important, I will wait until he’s not reading a news article or whatever, so I know he can actually give me his attention. Or if it can’t wait, I say his name, and ask him to look at me because I have something important to say. Biologically, men tend to be very good at hyper-focusing on one task — the assumption is that it made them better hunters, where women needed to be able to multi-task to tend the fire and the baby and the older children at the same time — so if his attention is elsewhere, you can’t expect him to hear what you are saying unless he knows it’s important.
And talk to him about this! Ask HIM what he needs from you to make sure you’re both communicating well. Maybe he thinks he is listening, and you both need to find a way to meet in the middle to foster communication.
My husband’s has given me some points to cover when telling him what I need. He started with, “Just tell me,” but had to amend that because women don’t just tell anything. We wend our way through the details that matter — to us — and men’s minds wander … wondering when we will get to the point. Their storytelling can be loaded with detail, but their minds won’t absorb equal amounts of detail from others. Go figure. I feel very stubborn on that point, but I do know that being heard means I need to speak the Reader’s Digest version. It takes MUCH self-control!
Something I learned from Dr. Gary Chapman (Now You’re Speaking My Language — great book on male-female communication) is to frame a conversation with a few things. First, let him know you have a need to talk to him, and ask him when would be a good time. When you get to that time, start out by letting him know you are not judging or controlling, that you have some needs that you would like to explain to him. Then, start the needs with “I feel,” or “I would really like,” and present your desires from there, always making sure to avoid “always” and “never” … absolutes turn my husband off and send him right to defensive mode.
Using the “I feel” approach alleviates blame. If you start with, “You do x, y, and z and I need a, b and c,” you will have played an offensive move and he will defend and shut down any progress unless you go from the “I feel” side again.
When our conversation gets off on the wrong foot, I have learned to say, “Wait. Let’s stop here. We’re going in the wrong direction and I feel a fight coming on which I do NOT want. Please, let me start again.” This wipes the slate for my husband, like magic. Women cannot wipe a slate clean like this, as we tend to remember everything, so I feel as if a miracle has occurred when this happens!
It will take time to make a good conversation and give-and-take with your husband if you have had many months or years of failed attempts.
Just don’t keep asking. Present your case once and leave it. He may take some time to make changes or address your issue, but it seems that they do happen, at least for us. I think this is God’s way of teaching patience.
Oh! And present one thing at a time. No lists. More than one, though some issues have a couple of points involved, and that’s okay, are like presenting a “to do” list and that overwhelms a person, man or woman. Take it a step at a time.
Amy recently posted..Forsaking All Others: Opposite-Sex Friendship (LINK-UP)
I was going to add my 2 cents, but you expressed more of less what I was going to write
.
Yes! I completely agree when you say to avoid “never” and “always.” I found myself nagging my husband for “never” being affectionate, and he definitely called me on it! He’s very affectionate, just not necessarily when I want him to be or need him to be.
I’d like to add that it’s really important to understand the type of man your husband is. My husband is not big on verbal communication, especially when he’s stressed or overwhelmed. It’s hard (and most of the time, impossible) to get him to open up to me when he’s got a lot on his mind. I’ve found that it’s best to let him work through some of his feelings himself, and then do something active with him, like going for a walk or washing the car. We have our best and most genuine talks when his body (or even his hands) are busy with something else. Not all men are like that, though. Find what helps him to open up, and start there.
Little Wife recently posted..Frugal Friday: Water Bottles
It worked! I just spoke to my husband using the key steps you suggested. He even commended my approach! Wow!!
Prepare for your discussion prayerfully. Make sure your heart is in the right place “gods hands”. Do something sweet our thoughtful for him. … allow him to see your heart is for him and you truly want tho correct with him. Ask him what you can do to help make his stress easier and in turn he will most likely want to hear what is on your heart. Praying for you and us all in our marriages!
I agree with Dee… & a lot of good advice above!!! But the best advice I have, would be to pray! Pray in advance, ask God to give you the right words so that they will be heard. Also pray for your husband, that God will show him your heart. I learned a long time ago that I can’t change my husband, but God sure can! & I guarantee your husband isn’t the only one He’s changing
God has a great way of bringing us to the middle… budging both husband and wife, and meeting at a place of compromise… the greatest thing, you won’t even realize its happening until months or a year later you look back and realize how far you BOTH have come. It’s a complete on going process…but the best thing… God’s never through with us! ?
Tell him; take him outside of your normal environment and just share.
Perhaps he really doesn’t understand what you mean – be able to explain what you are asking him to do.
Make sure this is a true conversation – with dialogue and banter so that you come a way feeling heard.
Some how in daily be able to agree on way where you can tell him he’s stepped back in to the old habit, without him blowing up.
Tell him.
nylse recently posted..Notes From My Daughter
Tried all these …. and as I said I’m really REALLY tired of being the only one making concessions when it comes to communication …. my heart isn’t a bullet point list or death by power point thank you! lol … if it’s important to me it should be important to him … period. and sometimes that means I need you to LISTEN to all of it not cut me off, or get that glazed look or whatever …..
Holly, I wonder a little bit about your expectations. How often do you expect him to listen to a really long spiel? What counts as listening? How do you know he’s not making any concessions? A lot depends on what you’re expecting.
And one thing I wanted to point out – I think that YOU should be important to your husband. He doesn’t have to put the same weight you do on an interaction you had with your mom or your feelings about work or whatever it is. Sometimes we really do need our husbands to step in and tell us that we’re fussing over nothing. That might not be your case at all, but generally I think a husband should be able to tell his wife she’s making a mountain out of a mole hill. I call that part of not being scared of or controlled by a wife’s emotions and being willing to lead. (And really bad things can happen when a husband is scared to challenge his wife’s emotions.)
Like I said – might not apply to you, but then again it might.
Natalie recently posted..The Progressive Christian Impulse
Because I’m the on who has to condense everything lol … listening is him paying attention and making appropriate comments when necessary — you know having a conversation
and then actually doing things we discuss later. I agree with the making a mountain out of a molehill thing BUT timing is everything when you do it or he’ll just make it worse! 
” if it’s important to me it should be important to him … period.”
Holly ~ You can’t make him change. You can’t force him to make something important to him that just isn’t. You can’t force him to LISTEN to you. The more you fight him, the worse it will get. You must accept him the way that he is. You must love him the way he is. I mentor many women. Almost all of them are in a battle with their husbands that they will never win. Once they stop fighting their husbands and insisting that they change, the marriage improves.
lori recently posted..Fear Of God, Beginning Of Wisdom
Yes I KNOW but I am just tired of being the only one doing that …. he has a responsibility to this marriage too.
Holly ~ Unless you are married to a truly evil man, it is worth it to stick it out and fight for your marriage. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you, if you are a believer. Is he working hard? Does he provide for the family? Is he faithful to you? Is he a good father, if you have children? If you can answer yes to most of those questions, you have a good man and worth fighting for. There are a lot of women out there who would love to have your husband if you don’t.
Lori recently posted..Forbidden Fruit
If he has a habit of interrupting or cutting you off, then that is usually a sign of defensiveness. So, take heed of the advice on how to phrase questions and statements.
If he still interrupts, then say something to the effect of “I need to tell you something and I need you to listen to everything I say before responding.” Then keep it short and to the point.
If his eyes start glazing over, then you are taking too long to get to the point. Sorry, but most men find it difficult to listen to and concentrate on long monologues. Our minds begin to drift, then we start tuning you out, then you get mad at us for tuning you out, then we dread hearing the words “I need to tell you something.” Rinse and repeat.
” if it’s important to me it should be important to him … period.”
Not really. There are a lot of things that are important to my wife that I don’t consider to be important at all. Some of those things I will do for her out of simple love, respect and courtesy. On other things, I’ll simply tell her I don’t find them important, that I don’t want to expend the time, energy or money to do them, but if she wants to do so, then I am okay with that.
Likewise, there are things I do that I believe are important that my wife simply doesn’t care about.
Overall, a couple needs to agree on the big stuff, and be okay disagreeing on all the little stuff, and most of life is little stuff.
Finally, it is very important to understand that men do not think or feel like women. If you want to communicate effectively with us, then you need to do so on our terms, i.e. short and to the point in a non-accusatory fashion. Talk to us like we’re your girl friend and our minds will wander off in nanosecond.
Yes it should … if it’s important to him it’s important to me, now that doesn’t mean I agree on the level of importance but it is still important to me. Like you said out of respect for him I’ll say ok .. I don’t get it but let’s go …. I’m not trying to be terribly argumentative her I’m just really tired of all the pat christian answers.
Yes it should … if it’s important to him it’s important to me…
Sorry, but this expectation is simply unreasonable and unrealistic.
I might really like to do X, i.e. it is important to me, but my wife might not like X at all. It is unreasonable for me to expect my wife to make X an important part of her life.
As long as she doesn’t object to me doing X, and she doesn’t throw a fit every time I do X, and she doesn’t try to make me feel guilty for doing X, then I don’t care if it is “important” to her or not. She tolerates it and that is good enough for me.
It does, however, seem that the FACT that it is important to you should be important to her, even if she doesn’t care about that activity itself. I feel like that is an important distinction, and may be part of the root of this disagreement (or, maybe not
)
Yes Bethany ….
After conversations with my hubby about communicating we came up with some ground rules. If I need to talk I preface what I have to say with one of the following:
I have a problem I need your help solving
I’ve had a long day and need you to listen and sympathize
I need you to just listen for awhile
I need to talk to you about something important
Please tell me about your day and help me feel connected to you.
The important part is to discuss what you need from the conversation.i hope that helps.
That’s a great idea, Carrie – thanks for sharing!
I think all wives deal with this, but maybe in different capacities…looks like a span of different answers to different nuances to the problem. I guess I’ll throw in my two cents that addresses the nuance I’ve encountered.
Basically, as I understand your question/complaint, you’re right. You actually shouldn’t have to bullet point your heart (and I mean more in relation to heart-hurt…not “our cluttered kitchen table is overwhelming me; do something about it!”). Any husband who thinks his wife gabs too much and he shouldn’t have to put up with all her yammering does NOT have a biblically-informed mind regarding her. That husband has bought into the world’s lie. Your husband is actually commanded to listen to you, and beyond that, understand you. By God. 1 Peter 3:7.
Here’s the catch: you are not his Holy Spirit and can’t coerce him obey God’s command to understand you. (Read that sentence again…we wives tend to forget this part, haha.)
But God doesn’t leave us in the lurch (or without our own commands to obey). You didn’t mention if your husband considers himself a Christian, but it looks like you do. Verse one of chapter three is for you then! Even if your husband isn’t obeying the word, God has provided a code of conduct that He uses while working in your husband’s heart: be subject to him, respectful and pure. (This may win him WITHOUT a word. This doesn’t mean stop talking to him, but it does mean don’t whip out “his” verse to beat him up with.)
What does this look like in your marriage? It may mean to respect him in more general conversations…condense wherever you can, even if you would prefer to elaborate. Seek him out to have him “fix a problem” that you maybe could figure out on your own.
And then pray for him! If he’s not a believer, pray God would save him (of first priority than listening to you). If he is (praise the Lord!), pray God would continue working in his heart in this matter and for you to have patience with God’s sanctifying timeline.
If your husband is at a place where he just doesn’t know HOW to listen and process all the details, my husband found taking notes while I talked helped him. (He lets me then read them to see if he made sense of all the details correctly…or close enough.)
Encourage your husband to find a way that helps him if that’s where he’s getting hung up.
Holly recently posted..Hello Bloggy Land ….
It seems unfair when you are the one who has to make all the concessions. But (1) it isn’t about fairness, it’s about finding a way to make things better and (2) the one who wants change is the one who bears the most responsibility for initiating that change. When you change your behavior you make it possible for the other person to change, too. (It will happen much more slowly than you want, but that’s normal because change is difficult.)
Some techniques that have been helpful for me:
I try to speak in a soft, calm voice. Anything that sounds like whining, yelling, crying, anger, etc., etc. is likely to put a man on the defensive. (A woman, too!) It can be hard if you are talking about a sensitive or upsetting issue. But remember that men tend to be overwhelmed by large doses of emotion, especially when they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they are being attacked or blamed. A soft, steady voice really helps.
I try to address one thing at a time. Women are usually much better at multitasking than men are. Too many issues all at once can be overwhelming to a guy. I know this can be difficult, because often several issues are inter-related. But try to pick just one main theme at a time. You can give him more details gradually.
Be sensitive to the situation. For example, I found that my husband didn’t want to address issues when he first walked in the door after work. This is normal. He has been subjected to other people’s demands and problems all day long and needs to unwind. Now I suggest to him that he relax with the newspaper for a while (usually 20 minutes is enough) and then we can have dinner. Getting the suggestion from me rather than having to demand it himself is a positive experience for him. Talking after dinner is better for us because he feels more relaxed mentally and physically. Other times that might not be good for serious conversations: the last 5 minutes of a basketball game he is watching, right after he’s had a difficult phone call with a relative, when he’s coming down with a cold, just after he’s had bad news at work.
Sometimes when I’ve described the problem or my feelings (trying to keep it fairly simple with enough details but not too many) I stop and ask him, “Does that make sense?” This gives him a chance to let me know whether or not he has understood me. If I’m unhappy about something, I might ask him (gently, not reproachfully), “Do you understand how I feel about that?” Allowing him to give me some feedback can reduce my need to talk about the issue, because if he is understanding me and showing some empathy I know that he has heard me. If he hasn’t understood I know I need to try another way.
One thing that helped me deal with some sensitive issues was to write them down. Each issue, problem, or question got a separate piece of paper. I kept them brief, usually just a paragraph, never more than half a page, sometimes just a sentence. I gave him the pieces of paper so that he could look them over at his leisure and then respond to one or more items when he felt ready. While this meant that I didn’t get to deal with things as quickly as a wanted, it was still effective because he felt that he had some control over the situation, he wasn’t being attacked or overwhelmed, and he had time to think about my point of view and his response. I wouldn’t necessarily handle everything this way, but it was very effective for some difficult or complicated issues.
Rosemary recently posted..The Things That Matter
I have him repeat what I said then clarify. I also make sure to say that “I feel __”instead of bashing him.
Actions speak louder than words. Love does not envy, Love is not boastful.. ect.. Love does not excpet these things in return…. Love only gives and never demands.. This kind of Love can only flow through us from God.
Holly, I understand your frustration. This is not a one sided issue. You are important and your feelings are important. Communication within a marriage is important. I applaud you for wanting to improve that.
You cannot make your husband listen. That has to be something that he learns to do. The only thing you can do is pray that God will convict your husband and do your best to communicate with him in such a way that is conducive to him listening. I don’t know what you have already tried or how you communicate or what you expect so I do not want to insult you with assumptions. Just know this: You have a right to to be heard from your heart when you need to share and your husband needs to listen and learn how to respond. Like with just about anything in a marriage, it’s give and take. You give by being understanding about the differences in gender and being respectful of that and he gives by learning what you, as his wife, need from him and how he can make you feel heard and cared for. If you have tried everything you can think of to respectfully communicate what you are thinking/feeling but he just won’t listen then you have to leave it up to God to change his heart.
I’ll share with you my own experience and maybe it will apply for you or maybe it won’t but do with it what you will.
My husband and I have recently tackled this issue. I used to tell my husband quite often during an argument that he wasn’t truly listening. He heard my words but he didn’t know what I was REALLY saying. In all honestly, I truly believed that I was speaking plainly. I have said so many times that I don’t know how else to say what I was saying in order for him to understand. It was SO frustrating. The thing was, he had no idea what it meant to listen to my heart and I had no clue why it was so difficult for him. It was SO easy when I would talk with my girlfriend. She always knew what I was saying, even when I didn’t say it well, and we could read each other’s hearts. My husband…not so much. It hurts because we feel like it should be that way with our husband. The problem is, though, we married a man, not a woman. Men don’t share their hearts the way we women do so why would we expect them to be able to read/hear our hearts? It’s easy to see that now but in the heat of the moment it’s not. I would get so upset that I would refuse to talk to him anymore and instead of changing my approach I would just get angry and shut down. The anger didn’t help the situation…it only made it worse. I wanted my husband to figure it out on his own because I felt like it was so clear. I was speaking plain language! But he didn’t get it so I had to show him. I had to literally show him by giving him an example of how a heart-to-heart conversation works and what I needed from him when I was sharing my heart with him. My husband was willing to learn and he wanted to understand. We just got stuck because of our differences and stubbornness to give a little. We aren’t pros at it but I think we’re doing better. It takes time and a lot of trial and error communication.
Keep praying and be patient. I know that’s hard but I pray that God would act quickly and bring you two closer together in your communication.
Sarah @ The Biblical Family Blog recently posted..Sweetly Broken
Thanks …. and thank you for affirming me I REALLY appreciate that! I do get tired of all the pat answers … it’s hard when you feel like you’ve done all that and it’s still just not working! … I also feel frustrated because I do feel like I shouldn’t have to do all that he’s not my CHILD … just get with it already we’ve discussed this before!
lol …
And yes the you are looking at me but you are not really hearing me is a big part of it ….
I know, it’s frustrating and hard. I’m sorry. I wish I had THE answer for you that would fix it all but I don’t…and that’s not how it works anyway. No, he’s not a child…nor is he stupid…but you just have to accept the way things are about him as a man. Just like he has to accept that you are a woman and you need to share your feelings. I’m afraid you won’t get anywhere until you both accept each other and the differences that make up your gender.
Sarah @ The Biblical Family Blog recently posted..Sweetly Broken
I have been throught this Holly.. truly I have.. the Love and Respect series helped me and my hubby ALOT!!.. Here is a really good piece from the book…. http://loveandrespect.com/blog/husband-mysterious-island-around-which-i-paddle/
I hope it helps you as much as it helps me..
Thanks … although truthfully the first time I started that book it was just one more thing telling me it’s all MY fault and I put it down!
honestly that’s how I felt ….
When you first start reading the book it feels that way, like “here is one more thing I have to change about myself to make him better”. It is SO worth pushing forward and reading the book. It has some great poins and helpful tips to help your understand your husband and YOUR self.
I haven’t finished “Love and Respect” because I take it little pieces, highlighting the ideas I find true and those I know I can tackle effectively without a struggle.
The eye-opener for me was the story about listening to the radio. He, while trying to get some work done and hearing a loud radio program, called, “Are you listening to that?” No answer. Repeat. No answer. Angry repeat. She finally calls out, “I’m TRYING to, but you keep interrupting!”
Our different communication and listening styles can completely undermine our goals. We have to study and learn each other. Yes, Holly … pick up the book again with focus on making positive changes … they don’t have to be huge, they just have to happen.
Another great “study book” is THE GOD-EMPOWERED WIFE (K. Haught). She shows how women need to “allow” husbands to lead because we have overpowered them and taken the role as household leader. It’s not about control, it’s about balance of power. For sure, wives DO have incredible power, and when we use it properly, it complements our marriage rather than dominates it.
Amy recently posted..Ladies Before Gentlemen: Making Marriage Changes
Holly, i hear frustration in your “voice”. Your question is very vague, which makes it difficult to know what you’re really asking. But I can say that I’ve been married 20 years, and the most difficult challenges we’ve had to solve have all been communication-related. It really can help to understand differences in how men and women communicate.
But it’s not just men and women, no two people communicate exactly the same. I am a software engineer for a global company. I work with men and women, I work with native and non-native English speakers. I work with people and machines. I work with other geeks, managers, executives, marketers, customers. If there is one lesson I have learned, it is this:
Effective communication is always about the other person.
When you need to communicate with another person (or even a machine), you have to speak their language. It can be frustrating. It can be tedious. It can be tiresome. But if you want to be successful, especially if you’re trying to lead somebody to where you are, you have to meet them where they are. That does not change because the other person is your spouse. Nor does it change because you feel a deep need to be heard. It is neither fair nor unfair. It simply is.
If you want your husband to hear you, to understand you, meet him where he is and speak his language. Men are problem solvers, not emoters. Men value outcomes more than the journey. Men value directness and plainess. Men want to get to the point. Men are unitaskers: we can listen, talk, or think, pick one. Men are poor at reading body language and emotions. Men are not multi-taskers: we can focus on only one task, everything else is a distraction. Men communicate best side-by-side. Men bond through activity. Men have feelings, but they are not always in touch with them.
So, if what you want is for your man to sit down with you, face to face, and listen intently at length while you narrate an epic emotional journey, to instinctively know what you’re not saying, and to feel it all with you, you are going to be very frustrated and unfulfilled. You expect him to behave in a way that is completely foreign to him. You may as well be speaking Chinese, and speaking more slowly and loudly will not make it any better
If you want to communicate more successfully, some very good suggestions have been made. Don’t sit him down face to face, engage him in an activity where you can
talk side by side. Don’t expect him to value the journey the way your girlfriends do, get to the point. In fact, start with the point. He’s listening for a problem to solve, make it easy to find. Rather than ask him to change, invite him to help you solve your problem. Don’t dwell on the problem and how it makes you feel, focus on the solution and why it’s important to you. Don’t expect it to be important to him simply because it’s important to you. The burden is on you to win him over to your vision.
If you just need to vent, to feel like somebody cares and is willing to listen, it can be helpful to make that clear up front. I can be a lot more patient and attentive when I know my wife doesn’t want me to solve her problem. I can focus on her rather than looking for a solution. But it still requires patience; I’m not wired to value her emotional journey. No matter how much I love her. And the problem solver in me will not be silenced. So, when it’s obvious her turmoil is about a problem she could solve and be done with, it’s difficult to value her feelings. I love her. But I’m wired to value solutions.
I try, I really do. But I am not always able to give her what she seems to need. Am I defective because I don’t always value her feelings the way she wants me to, that I don’t always get her? No. I am her husband and I love her. But I am my own person, experiencing my own unique journey. We are alike in many ways, but also ver different in some others. It is not possible for me to be exactly the person she needs at every moment.
Nor is it my responsibility to be.
Which brings me to one last thought. Have you considered whether you may be expecting your husband to play a role that isn’t his? Are you expecting him to fill the role of girlfriend? Are you expecting him to take on God’s role as the one who truly understands the feelings of your heart? Are you expecting him to play the role you need while undervaluing who God created him to be?
Well said, HappyHubby. It’s hard for us women to accept this because it is SO hard for us to understand. We truly do not get how solutions can be more valuable than feelings because our feelings run so deep within us. But you are right, men are not defective because they are wired differently. And neither are women crazy basket cases because we’re wired the way we are in all of our emotional glory! We have to give and take and learn to appreciate (and live with) each other’s differences.
Thanks for explaining this so well, especially without the condensation some men could have brought with it.
Sarah @ The Biblical Family Blog recently posted..Husbands & Video Games
My husband has ADHD and some major processing and memory issues above and beyond the typical male…believe me, that has made for some MAJOR arguments in our five years of marriage. The Lord has spent the last year walking us out of the major, hurtful arguments and we’ve inserted several techniques that really work for us.
The one that might help you is the dry erase board. A dry erase board the size of a piece of paper is large enough to write up to 5 sentences on it…enough for me to share the item I would like to talk about and small enough that he can focus on it and not feel overwhelmed. As our counselor pointed out to us a couple years ago, a dry erase board can also be erased…no bringing up past arguments.
After the message I wish to convey has been put into his possession, we make a time (needs to be enough time for him to process through the information and formulate any questions or comments he wants to share…this can be up to 24 hours for my husband.
When we have our meeting time, he gets to go first. I can also clarify with him when he’s not sure what I meant by something I wrote.
When he has the time to process, we find our conversation goes much smoother.
That is not bad at all Charyse. I bet men would love it if we applied this technique. I’m going to try it.
Holly, if you didn’t want things to change, you wouldn’t have asked in the first place.
I “tried all these things” for years … more than ten years, but my heart wasn’t in the right place. I was a Christian, but more “non-practicing” and I know I held a holier-than-thou attitude.
Your husband is military … my husband had dreams of that and was in ROTC and forms of law enforcement/firefighting — all helping professions and totally dominated by the needs of others. His job now is sales and after-sales, totally at the mercy of what other people want and having to deal all day with what other people fail to do, then having to clean up and keep up in order to satisfy the customer and the bottom line.
I tired the man out with letting him know my needs the way I did. I could have sung opera with all the ‘me-me-me-ing” I did. I know this NOW, but I didn’t then. I don’t know how you’re handling yourself in all this, what you sound like, what you look like, but I do know that being the one to make the changes and STICK TO THEM yourself, praying your way through it and pouring your heart out to God (the kicking and screaming doesn’t bother Him) make all the difference in the world.
My husband and I still falter in the area of communication, more often than anything else. I’ve been thinking of your situation all weekend, and this morning something came to me: boys usually gravitate to the Non-Fiction section of the library. Girls go for Fiction, more often than not. Boys are literal and answer questions factually, whereas girls totally understand nuance, inference, and foreshadowing. Neither boys or girls switch to the other way of thinking without practice and guidance. I’m a teacher by temperament and training … I see things “educationally” and it drives my husband nuts.
Anyway, if you can see your husband and yourself as learners at opposite ends of the spectrum, you can see where you need to meet in the middle. You, as the one interested in making changes, MUST lead the way, and do so in a truly leader-like way (do as I do, not do as I say). If you can gently and with understanding, no matter how frustrated you feel — show him and lovingly explain to him what you need (use the plethora of advice above — with God’s direction and with great discernment as to what your husband will willingly try) you will feel different. When you partner with God WHOLE-HEARTEDLY, you will feel the difference, and it will take a while. You can be in command of a household and of children, but not with a husband.
When you see yourself as your husband’s comfort and “home base”, and really consider what that means, you might find other things to adjust yourself to keep the positive direction and even make some personal changes.
I am as stubborn as they come. Mule-like. Not pretty. God has shown me SO CLEARLY how my concessions make a difference. He has shown me by changing my husband in ways I NEVER thought possible. Just last night, my husband said, “I must have really changed a lot, because I feel how I used to respond to you, and now I don’t want to respond that way.”
God rocks!
Holly, you can do this.
Amy recently posted..How to Start Dating … Again
LOl … hubby goes for the non-fiction (sci fi blech) and I tend to read a little of everything!
I’m just SUPER UBER tired of being the one having to do it ALL and this is one more area …. sorry if that sounds petty or un Christian or whatever to all of you … but we’ve been married 23 years he’s been home 11 and I literally do it ALL a lot of the time and have a lot to say! Tired of the same arguments and the same feeling unheard we’ve had for awhile and yes I do want it to change but not at a snails pace !:D If it seems like I’m not appreciative of the comments that’s not true … but I am frustrated with the same answers that aren’t working … sigh and being told it’s my fault …. so there you go! I get the bullet point, this is my point upfront kind of thing if we’re talking about what happened today,etc but not when I just want to share my hurts, fears,etc ….
If you haven’t already, I would strongly suggest watching the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage series by Pastor Mark Gungor. He spends a lot of time exploring the differences between the male/female brain and how we communicate differently. He even has a segment on how to get your husband to do what you want him to do.
Better yet, attend the seminar in person with your husband when your schedules permit. It is worth the time and money.
Good idea, Mark! We have that on DVD, and it Mark Gungor does a spectacular job emphasizing the differences in the two halves of “one” and giving excellent ideas for working with each other to meet in the middle.
It bears reviewing often, too. Humans have a horrible habit of forgetting …
Amy recently posted..Ladies Before Gentlemen: Making Marriage Changes
Hello Holly,
I don’t really know that I have anything new to offer but feel compelled to respond anyway. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and I cannot even tell you right now what brought me to the point I’m about to describe, but I’d finally had it. If I weren’t a Christian or so stubborn, I think I might have started divorce proceedings that day. I cried and yelled at him, “I can’t take this any more!” (And like I said, I don’t even know what it was now and it was only within the last six months.) I realized why people get divorced after 10 years, 20 years, and even 50 years . . . they finally realize that things are not going to change and they just cannot take it any more.
I homeschool and last year at our local convention Kirk Martin (and his son) of Celebrate Calm (www.celebratecalm.com) spoke. I attended nearly all of his sessions. Our small homeschool support group purchased his package of dvds together and have been sharing them since. The one overwhelming thing I learned from him is that I cannot change anyone but me . . . that is to say, I can change things but only from the perspective of how I change me and what I allow to bother me. {He has soooo much more to say and things to help, but this was what I needed at the time of my “last straw.”}
I guess the reason I cannot remember what the circumstances were is because I’m in the process of changing ME! By changing me, I am in control; I’m not leaving it up to my husband to fulfill something in me. I know it is not fair; trust me, I told God that a number of times AND journaled it too! But by changing how I respond to things, I feel better. By changing what I expect, I feel better. Yes, I made the changes but I still feel better. This is not to say I was wrong or needed to change but since I was the one feeling frustrated, I had to change what I could so that I don’t feel frustrated because ultimately I wanted the frustration to leave and so I make changes so that I don’t feel that way . . . I take back control of my emotions and don’t let my husband control them . . . I give them to God because He can do something with them.
All I can offer is a few things: 1) Pray! I mean cry out to God and tell him all that you are doing and that you need some help and to please change your husband AND you! (This is what I do. I literally end most of those anguished prayers with something like God, please change him! Ok, change me if I’m the one that is wrong. I forgive him for _____ now help me to mean it please.) 2) Read some books. These are ones that I’ve found helpful so far: Before the Last Resort : 3 Simple Questions to Rescue Your Marriage
and finally, 5) I suggest telling your husband that you just need to talk and need him to listen and empathize with you, but that you need your best friend to talk to and he’s it.
By George Kenworthy, and For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn. I have others I’m getting ready to read but hesitate to suggest them since I haven’t read them yet. 3) Take your hubby out on a date (try the communication date suggested in Before the Last Resort), 4) Really serve him. I recently did a 12 days of Christmas for him and in October I did a 12 Days of His Birthday; each had a different purpose or theme but by serving my honey I was drawn closer to him and YES, once again I am doing the changing and would like some of it to be done to/for me but if I give to get then I really haven’t given at all. SO yes, I still need to work on me!
I hope you made it to the end because I really think that last point is a good one.
I pray that God will lead you to the resources that are perfect for you and your situation.
Good advice Michelle! I’m so happy to hear that you are finding peace within yourself from God and not relying on your husband to make you happy! That’s a hard to lesson to learn and it comes from false expectations. (or it did in my case!). I would have to say that by crying out to God as you explained that you did, would also alleviate resentment that builds up towards the husband, which also hinders our relationship with God.
…. I can generally talk to him about very difficult and touchy subjects more easily and he is generally more open to them and less inclined to shut me out or get defensive immediately!
Most everyone on here has mentioned praying for the husband as well….but may I add more specifically, pray scripture over him. One prayer that I prayed over my husband was Ezekiel 36:26…that God would soften my husband’s heart. Most importantly toward God himself, but also toward me.
Another suggestion I would like to add as far as a good time to have discussions with your husband…..my husband and I seem to communicate extra well when we are taking a shower. We still shower together…or at least one right after the other…so one can only imagine that the husband may feel more inclined to be more willing to listen
You are not seeming un-Christian, but definitely fed-up. My husband and I went the same rounds for more than 10 years … ever since he started working in a home office, but even before that. It’s all about how we communicate, and until I decided to change MY ways, he couldn’t change his. The same response gets the same response every time, unless someone makes a change and sticks to it.
It IS all on you. For now. You just can’t demand or command or even suggest for him what he can do to change. You have to change you first — and admitting that is very hard (waving hand wildly in the air … ME!). But breaking your own ways shows you light you have never seen before.
Take the snail’s pace, the tortoise … the slow boat. If it’s in a positive direction, you’ll see the difference. Pray, pray, pray and pray some more. Do not rely on yourself. You can’t do it and neither could I — I laid out all the frustration, fear, loathing, irritation, anger, etc. for God to see and hear and began to feel peace. I discovered new directions, and can’t recommend highly enough the book by Gary Chapman (Now You’re Speaking My Language). Terrific resource, and it works — but only for you to learn, and then later to share with your husband as he follows your lead.
Hang in there, Holly!
Amy recently posted..How to Start Dating … Again
This evening, my wife was telling me how her evening went while I was at a Men’s wild game dinner at church. We had a great speaker and I came back feeling pretty good and told my interested wife all that she wanted to know. My wife is then telling me about visiting with a friend of ours and how there were some issues in their lives. My cell phone rang and I picked it up to look at the text. The next thing I know, she is running up the stairs sobbing about how rude I was. She is totally right!!
I did not see the importance of what she had to say to me. More importantly, I did not value that she, my wife, my best friend, my lover, was talking to me and deserved my full attention. I had already interrupted the conversation by asking her to watch a television show with me. Which she did, graciously. Then the phone.
There is no excuse for being rude or dismissive towards our wives. We are to complement one another. We do think differently, we do respond differently. Those are not excuses for rudeness. While we may not value what is being said, we must value the person saying it.
I am so humbled right now. She came and apologized to me for being so emotional. There is nothing for her to apologize for but she, out of her love for me, did so. I had apologized and she had forgiven me. Now, I’m just trying to forgive myself.
I wish I had words of wisdom for Holly. I really, really do because I could have used them earlier tonight.
Hi there! I just have a couple of comments to add…
I’m a verbal processor. That means that I often don’t even know what I really think about an issue until I talk about it. In talking about it, I’ll go around and around, looking at all the sides of the issue and eventually come to a conclusion. I don’t necessarily want a quick solution given to me; I want to know what I really think, and talking is what gets me to conclusion. This can really be long and tedious for the listener – poor hubby!!
So, I’ve found that the next-best thing is to write it down (actually, often this is better). I can vent into my journal, and that usually ends up in prayer and coming to conclusion about the issue – what I need to do or not do. Then, if I need to share with my husband, I can just give him the main points of my struggle and what my conclusion is. Way faster and still effective!! We can go from there if the issue needs discussion between us, but at least I’ve clarified it in my own mind.
Second, my love language is quality time. I only recently discovered this – yay!! – and it’s helped me a lot to identify why I struggle when it feels like someone isn’t really paying attention to me when I’m talking. You see, I feel like the time spent communicating is showing love, or I’m needing my “love tank” filled up. When the other person is distracted (or what looks like not paying attention) it’s easy to feel like they don’t love me. Just identifying this has helped me SOO much! I know that my husband/other people have other love languages and I KNOW that they like me just fine (and I KNOW that my husband loves and adores me). They just don’t speak my language. Recognizing this as the root of my irritation has helped me so much to defeat that frustration.
(Also, since finding that I am a quality time person, I’ve found that my husband and I can do things together – like playing board games or whatever – that still fills up my “love tank” without me having to talk his ear off when he comes in the door from work.)
Also, maybe have a time that you set aside to communicate. My husband occasionally works from home (he’s a computer programmer). When he has to think through a problem, he paces. When I see him walking around I tend to jump into “talk mode” and just start gabbing about whatever I’m thinking about. This is not a good idea. It’s better for me to save my conversation for lunch-time or a pre-determined time. Maybe have a night a week (or more!) where you go for a walk and talk about stuff. During the week you can “save up” the things you want to talk about, and your husband can know to expect that time to be when you’ll share your heart and can be better prepared to listen.
Anyway, just a couple thoughts! Hope this helps. Praying for you, Holly! God bless!