I know a young man who married in the last five years. He loves his new wife very much, and they’re having fun setting up their rental house, putting some money away, and desperately trying to finish their education part-time.
They did everything right: they dated for a while, they waited until they were married to make love, they got to know each others’ families. They’re not rushing into parenthood until they have a house and their education completed. But they’re on track to have that well before they’re 30.
There’s just one problem: whenever she’s at work, and he’s not, he heads over to his old house that he shared with a bunch of friends and plays video games. In fact, sometimes when she is home he still heads over there.
He’s at work when he’s supposed to be at work. He’s at church when he’s supposed to be at church. He’s at school when he’s supposed to be at school. But much of his free time is spent playing these games, often at a buddy’s house. And his new wife is sick of it.
I see this increasingly because even good Christian guys from good Christian families grow up playing 3-4 hours of video games throughout their teen years and into their twenties. That’s not miraculously going to stop as soon as they get married.
Nor should it, necessarily! I grew up knitting, and I still knit for at least an hour a day, if I can find the time to sit. I love knitting. We all need things to help us unwind that we enjoy.
But the nature of video games is that what we intend to take half an hour can easily become four hours. And quite often, I believe, it can become a genuine addiction.
Here’s a letter I received recently from a reader, along with my response to it. See what you think. She writes:
I have a question, and was wondering if you could give me some insight. I know that other young married women struggle with the same thing, and so I thought I’d pass it on to you
My husband spends a LOT of time on the computer – playing an MMO (multi-player online game). This is how he relaxes. He comes home from work, says hi, then gets on the computer. He plays for several hours, most nights eating dinner at the computer, and then when he senses that I’m frustrated, he gets off – until he senses that the frustration is gone, then he gets back on. I understand that he needs to de-stress after work, and I want to respect that need, but I often feel ignored (except for when we have sex) – I often feel that the only way I can get his attention is by seducing him, and that frustrates me to no end. I hate feeling like I’m competing for his attention.
I know that he’s not doing anything inappropriate on the computer – no porn, no affair…just a group of his friends playing a game together. I know that it’s important to him, because it gives him the opportunity to make and meet goals (leveling up by a certain time, etc.), build companionship with guy-friends, and relax at the end of a long day during which he has felt beat-down and discouraged by a minimum wage job that he wants to get out of but no one else will hire him at the moment.
All that to say, I don’t want to take it from him, but I do want more quality time with him (one of my primary love languages). I see that he spends hours and hours doing something that, to me, has no eternal significance, and he could be doing other things (like making connections with people to get out of the job he’s currently in, or doing something with me, or helping me around the house, or…or…)
Here’s my answer:
Thanks for writing! This is a really common issue.
Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing video games for a short period everyday to unwind. We all need things that relax us. The problem comes when the video games eat into his normal responsibilities, and for many couples, that has become the case. In fact, in many men’s lives video games are an addiction (in the same way that soap operas used to be for many women, or Facebook is now).
Here’s the thing: men often turn to these games because it gives them a sense of mastery and competence over something, which may be sorely lacking in other areas of their lives. And it is fun!
But then it can easily become a habit–something we just do because we’re used to it and it’s easy and that’s what we automatically turn to. And video games rarely are something that are played “for just a few minutes here and there”. The very nature of them is that they tend to eat up hours of your time; hours that are better spent elsewhere.
1. Don’t Be His Conscience
I was once very addicted to television. I had it on constantly, and I wasted so much of my time watching shows, especially soap operas. One day God convicted me that I was wasting my life. That was when we got rid of the television and I started writing, and volunteering, and planning fun outings with my kids. My life became so much BIGGER.
The problem is that it is very easy to see that now; I couldn’t see it then. And you can’t convict your husband by nagging him. You may see what he is doing, and see what he is missing out on, but you can’t be his conscience, and nagging him will not work. I do think that we, as a society, need to speak more firmly about not wasting your life, and our responsibility to find our purpose, rather than wasting the precious hours we do have on this earth. But your husband has to see that for himself. You can’t see it for him by nagging him about it.
So what can you do?
2. Suggest Other Things to Do
You’re absolutely right that you don’t want to take it from him entirely, because that’s not your decision to make or your role to say, “I get to decide how you spend all of your free time.” But I think it is perfectly reasonable that you have boundaries over it, so that it’s only during certain hours so you can be together more.
The problem is that saying to him, “how about if you play from 7-10, but then we spend time together at 10″ sounds weird, because you’re not saying what you intend to do at 10. Why should he stop if you have no specific plans for 10:00? Or if you say, “can we have from 5-8 for just us, doing something together,” he may think it sounds like you want to sit around the house doing nothing.
I’ve often found that a better strategy is to try to replace it with something. So instead of saying, let’s keep these hours just for us, say, “I’d like to help at youth group once a week with you”, or “I’d like to take a walk every evening after dinner together”, or “I’d like to start playing squash twice a week”. When he’s out of the house, he’s not on the game. And then you can spend some time together, and he will be slowly breaking his reliance on games. Then, when you are at home, it can be his choice to play the games.
3. Join Him!
Another option is to play it together with him at times. I don’t think this will fix everything, because you do need to spend time away from the games (laundry does need to get done, you do need time to talk, you do need to eat together), but at least you could share part of it with him. It also won’t work if it’s a genuine addiction he has, but many of my readers have said that they dealt with the problem by joining him, and he sticks to more reasonable hours now and he likes that she’s a part of it. For some, then, this may be a solution.
4. Keep Talking
Keep honest communication so that you can talk to him about what you need. Be sure to show him love in ways that he understands. But it’s okay to tell him, “I feel as if we aren’t spending very much time together. Can we find things that we can share?” That’s legitimate, and it’s a good way to build your marriage.
If you feel as if he really only pays attention to you when you have sex, and that you just aren’t connecting, then try to start finding other things to do together. And, once you’ve established some new habits, start talking to him openly about what you need. Don’t accuse him–saying, “you’re wasting your life”, or “you act like you don’t love me”. Instead, own your feelings and be clear, saying, “When you’re on video games all night I feel as if we aren’t sharing our lives together. Can we talk about how to feel more connected?” Then the issue isn’t the video games; it’s the connection. And that may be something he’s more willing to discuss.
UPDATE: One commenter noted in the comments that if a man is on video games all the time he is not fulfilling his role, and he needs to be confronted. I totally agree, and I think I may have made this section too wimpy, so I’d like to take another stab at it.
Here’s the thing: you MUST confront. As I said in the comments, marriage doesn’t mean you keep your mouth shut and accept everything he does; marriage means you strive for intimacy, which means you become vulnerable and share your feelings. You tell him what you think, how you feel, and what you’re scared of. Don’t “win him without words”, because that won’t work in the case of video games. Video games can be addictive, and you need to confront (winning without words doesn’t work with alcoholism, either). If he is being sinful, you tell him. But I think we need to be careful how we tell him. One commenter suggested saying, “how would you feel if I chose to ‘unwind’ for hours by ignoring you and texting other friends?” (because in multi-player games, that’s essentially what he’s doing). Another suggested sitting down and actually telling him how you feel about him wasting his life.
I agree with both these suggestions, I’d just caution to do it when you’re not angry. That usually doesn’t help.
This is also a difficult topic because some guys are on 2-3 hours a day and some are on 6-8 hours a day. Some can go weeks without playing and then start again; others have to play everyday. If your husband is genuinely addicted, and never talks to you or the kids, then my advice from last week regarding getting help from the church is probably the right course of action.
In summary, what I’m saying is this: Video games are a huge problem in many marriages. They’re unproductive; they steal time; they wreck relationships. Don’t ignore it. DO something. Find other things to do together. Talk to him about it. Confront him about it. But don’t nag (ie. trying to be his conscience), and don’t stew, and don’t try to punish him in other ways because that’s childish. If you’re upset about it, get it out in the open and discuss that issue, and find ways to spend more time together. That’s legitimate, and that’s how we build healthy families.
Does that make sense? Keep talking to him about it, but don’t replace it with nothing. Replace it with something and you may both find life gets a lot bigger.
And you may also want to ask him to work through the 31 Days to Great Sex together. This is actually a topic I address: do you go to bed at the same time? Do you spend time together away from a screen? So it may lead to some good discussions!
Now, ladies, what would you add? Have you found that video games have become an addiction for your husband? How can you find the balance between supporting him having time to unwind as he wishes and still maintaining a healthy marriage?
UPDATE 2: I wrote another post on this topic, clarifying my views a little bit more. You can read it here.
Although I suspect this gaming addiction goes deeper than the game itself, if he can make a “baby step” and switch to a different type of game (specifically non-MMO) it might help. MMOs are notorious because they don’t have a natural “end” to their gaming sessions, making it harder to pull away from them. South Korea is one such country facing a serious problem with gaming addictions among their youth.
(I should add: “going deeper” meaning a matter of discipline/resolve for the sake of the marriage).
I think you gave wonderful suggestions! I especially like how you suggest to “suggest another activity to do together.” I think that when the husband spends more and more quality time with the wife, he’ll see that he actually prefers it to the video games.
When my husband plays video games, I often sit in the same room with him and read or read blogs online. Then, we agree on a time to put our individual things away and do an activity together. It really has helped and it gives me a way to relax as well. Again, this could probably work in time for the couple, once he can decide when to stop for the evening a little more on his own.
Finally, my husband and I make a habit of eating our dinner together at the dinner table every night we’re both home for dinner. We don’t have the TV on, we don’t have our phones out, we just spend the time talking about our days and life in general. I think this has helped us to feel connected to each other and it gives us time to discuss things and just talk to each other without electronic interruptions.
I wonder what they did when they were dating. Is it much different? If it is, then I would suggest her having a heart to heart about missing things the way they were; marriage is supposed to enhance the relationship not replace what you had with sex and cohabitation.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Way back when we were dating, we really didn’t “date” so much as just be with each other. So to think that we would have a “date night” once a week now, would be out of our norm, both in the early years of our marriage and now. Because we just like being together and not really going out and doing things (a.k.a. dates), as we had children, (and the fact that my mother made it clear when I was a teen that she wasn’t going to be a babysitter on a regular basis once I had kids and because we were/are very protective of our kids and who we left them with) we never really went out. Now, all these years later, I believe we NEED to go out together on dates, just us, more often. We have talked about this and he agrees, in theory, but when it comes to actually going out, he tries to get out of it (we live 30 minutes from town and like I said before, we really are homebodies – we live in a small house and spend our evening time in the living room~all of us~doing various things separately and together~watching tv, playing individual video games, on the laptop, computer, or iPad, or reading books~, I go to bed when he does, and I get up within 30 minutes of when he does). For 2 years, we have said we need to go out on dates more often and last year he even said once a month, but we only managed it once, other than our anniversary. The only other time was in December when I decided I was taking him out for dinner.
I have taken matters in my own hands. I have decided that once a month we will go out; I will make the plans and pay for it out of my allowance thereby removing 2 of the things that contribute to us not going out (not knowing what to do and money). Now, I have also decided that I cannot just leave it at that but I had to “make an appointment” so to speak, to ensure that we do so. Consequently I chose the date of our wedding, the 27th, as the day we will go out together, no excuses.
Then I told him of my intentions/plan in a letter I gave him for Christmas. 
So that kind of made it like a year long Christmas gift, and it is hard to say no to a gift.
I’m looking forward to this new habit. He mentioned wanting to try the Cheesecake factory sometime. So since January 27th is on a Sunday night, which is a busy day for us, I decided this month we will go there for dessert.
Besides, I just gave him 12 days of Christmas and I have to save up some money for a bigger date night.
We do now, mostly what we did then. I hope my rambling has explained my point.
This makes me happy and also laugh a little, because it reminds me so much of my husband and myself. We haven’t been married that long, but we’ve never really liked to go out, but every once in a while I will get a bee in my bonnet about it and think “ah, we never go out, we need to!” It is encouraging to hear your idea of planning things and preparing them for you both, and to just to hear that your experience is similar to mine in this way.
Bethany, check out thedatingdivas.com for lots of date night (and even date nights at home) ideas. At home date nights are easier when you don’t have kids or have young kids. My kids are 15 and 19 (and 21 but married) so it is a bit harder to be discreet
but doable.
This is a wonderful and needed topic. Thank you so much for the suggestions you mentioned. It is not a huge issue here, but it has become more prevalent then it has in the past–mainly with the iphone. Most days I just keep my mouth shut. But if I need something, he gets off without hesitation. I think the biggest suggestion is to always address him with grace, not accusation or anger.
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My husband was addicted to computer/video games for more than 10 years. I knew he enjoyed games, and he finagled (my word, not his) reasons to buy new a new gaming system the year we were engaged. He “needed something to help him wind down.” I understood. A few years into marriage, he upgraded to a new system, and I played games with him. Fun!
When I lost interest, he did not. He moved to our first PC, buying games that gave him power (battle/war type), and that allowed him to dominate. My husband is naturally very good at games, and our son has inherited this “ability”. This is why the gaming feels like a detrimental area of life to me. The addictive quality of it makes for terrible relationships.
The gaming world, either online or in-house, omits real relationships. It’s a dream world, and has no time limitations, as you stated, Sheila. Like anything electronic, the draw of gaining status, gathering paraphernalia to make you a stronger force, earning points, making “friends” becomes all-encompassing.
The danger is this: the wife feels shut out and begins to find other activities (volunteering, devoting time to children, etc.) This makes the man feel less important … when he actually puts down the controller or keyboard and feels like returning to husband/father status, the objects of those roles have moved on to other things, tired of waiting. This can, in my case DID, lead to finding acceptance at work, and then with a coworker, leading to an emotional affair (he wasn’t available to me, then I withdrew and he didn’t understand why … and assumed I didn’t care … THE IRONY). It can lead to farther-reaching friendships that take the place of marriage relationships.
Talk. Explain very carefully how his time spent “elsewhere” makes you feel ill-equipped to be the wife YOU should be. Make a list of activities you can do together, including some games, maybe. Keep the list in the area of the house where you hang out, and ask him for ideas to include on it. Set aside some time to plan a few of those activities each week.
Put the shoe on the other foot very gingerly, if it feels like the right thing to do. Ask him what he would think if you spent time on the phone/texting/out with friends in order to wind down and decompress from your day. Without pointing fingers of blame, ask him to think how he would feel if you spent more hours of your time with other people than with him. This is a difficult area, and depending on your emotional strength, not the first thing you should do.
Do not — in my experience, DOING it backfired — suggest activities to dissuade your husband from gaming. Asking for his attention may distance him even more, because he may feel manipulated or controlled, following what YOU want to do. Men who are deeply into gaming want control. I think it’s related to the same area as pornography …. they’re getting their high from elsewhere and keep upping the intake to keep it feeling good. You don’t offer as much immediate gratification because they he has forgotten how to relate to you … the most important relationship in his life after God. If a man turns to another female relationship for comfort, you can bet the other woman won’t nit-pick his gaming because she doesn’t know about it. He doesn’t share that with her or let her see it, because deep down, he knows it’s not the right thing to do.
That said, PRAY. Pray through it all, for direction and for patience and for the backslides in behavior you will face.
For Pete’s sake … has anyone been addicted to a BOARD GAME … ever? Electronic stimuli leads to bad things. This is my opinion, and very much my experience.
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Thank you for that, Amy. I really appreciate you sharing your story, and I think your insights will help so many.
You’re absolutely right–no one becomes addicted to a board game. They are totally different, and it can become a total addiction. For many it’s not; they simply play a lot and waste time. But for others it really is.
And I think you’re right: most feel ashamed. They don’t really WANT to be doing it, but it’s a compulsion.
I think we don’t take these things seriously enough. And I also firmly believe that it’s okay to talk about things. I’ve heard advice to just “let him play” and “love him through it” and don’t say anything and he’ll come back, but I think that’s a misunderstanding of the nature of gaming, but also a misunderstanding of the nature of marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean we shut up and never share our needs; marriage means that we become vulnerable and share deeply of ourselves, which means communicating our needs. We need to learn to do that in a helpful, not nagging or blaming way, but we do need to do it.
Think of it this way: as his wife, you may be the only one who can help him defeat this. And for some people it really needs to be defeated (not all, but for those for whom it has become a genuine addiction).
Thank you, Sheila. I want to add, since I stepped off my soap box and forgot, that my husband has done a 180° turn on the gaming. A combination of things happened — he moved to online poker (and female players are, naturally, more talkative than males) and I asked him to teach me to play. I had no intention of teaching him a lesson, I told him I wanted to discover what kept his attention and why. I played only while he was in the room, and as I asked about the game, our kids became attentive and wanted to know about his “friends” on the website (photos/avatars in view) … within only a few days from gathering our interest he withdrew from that game. Several Facebook-hosted games left his repertoire, too, after I asked to learn the in and out of them. He denounced Facebook not long after that, noting its distraction and time vacuum qualities. As these processes played out, we discussed the issues, and I did lots of reading and research on electronics addiction (Google … you’ll be amazed) and presented my findings conversationally. He never offered rebuttal or excuses. Silence, in his case, indicates understanding.
Presently, he plays iPhone games when winding down from work, and I have called his attention to excessive play (if more than 3 or 4 days in a row for hours) on occasion — for him, these times hit when he feels great stress (consequently, he focused on gaming when in the throes of his emotional entanglement and ensuing work/family stress) and when I call his attention to the time involved, he does explain why and makes great effort to change his focus. Mainly, keeping active communication, asking for help in the kitchen, having kids ask him for rides to/from activities instead of automatically assuming I will and other attention-diverting activities that he decides help immensely.
Women tend to clam up when husbands detour. In my case, I wanted to not have to face his wrath, because I was terrible at confrontation and did so plaintively instead of factually. Personality type plays a huge part in confrontation, and wives must study up and play it out before delivering the performance. Run it by a friend, run it by God, and stick to your guns, bad pun or not.
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Excellent suggestions, Amy! Thank you!
Thanks for a good article/reminder, Sheila! I have a lot of trouble with the TV thing — I get very sucked in and the time goes by so quickly and pointlessly. It’s so good to be doing other things — useful things, fun things, things that really are so much more fulfilling. Thanks for the reminder.
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My fiance used to have a pretty stressful daytime job. And he’d play games when he came home to relax. We have 1 tv and several consoles as well as the computer. He’d latch onto his computer and would put on his headphones (so he didn’t bother us with the tv since the computer is in the living room). But he’d still check out and not be present. Our son would try to talk with him or play with him, or I’d try to talk with him. And though he never expressed his frustration with us, he WAS frustrated because he couldn’t “unwind”. Well, another job presented itself. One that he’d like more, but it was second shift. He HATED the idea of second shift, but I talked him into trying it, and now he loves it! His job doesn’t cause him as much stress. He LOVES what he does. He loves the people he works with. So if I’m awake when he does come home, he and I spend time together, because it’s not nightly. Plus he can play all the games he wants on whatever system he wants because he’s alone. Which makes him a better partner and father. So the time he spends with us, is being spent with US instead of being completely checked out.
So that might be an option for this lady. I know it’s not ideal, and you don’t fall asleep at the same time, but not everyone can fit in a cookie cutter lifestyle.
I get so frustrated that this issue is so frequently dumped on the ‘wives’ as an issue we should just learn to deal with, tolerate, and even ‘join in’ with. PA-LEESE!!!! According to recent studies the average “gamer” is now a 30 year old male. I have a few things to say to all these 30 year old gamers, especially if they are married with children. (Like my husband, and I’ve shared these thoughts with him a few times
) “GROW UP.” “The teenage years are gone, your glory days are over! You are missing out on the best years of your life all for the love of a fake game, where you are a fake solider, fake coach, fake athlete, or fake ‘bad guy’. You’re teaching your kids that there is nothing more important that escaping your life and being entertained, all in the name of ‘relaxing’ or ‘unwinding.’ Husbands are not called to “unwind” they are called to be ministers and servants to their wives and children. The ride home from work is their time to ‘unwind.’ Listen to your sports talk then. When you get home, you get to join your wife in taking care of the home and children as a pastor servant. Set an example that way. The Bible says, “redeem your time for the days are evil” No where does it say, ‘life is hard sometimes, ‘unwind’ by wasting as much time as possible.’ How about we encourage the wives to confront their husbands about their selfish, childlike behavior, especially if it is a stumbling block to that wife or the children in the home. (Romans 14:13) I’m also not saying that the husbands can’t ever have any fun or enjoy life, but habitual gaming, hours upon hours of ‘fun’, at the expense of their spiritual and family life? Can you imagine the uproar if all the wives were ‘unwinding’ everyday at 5pm? Can you imagine the uproar if the ‘wives’ were doing their version of gaming when the husbands want to have sex? 
Someone’s got to be the grown up. Someone’s got to take care of the adult responsibiblites in the marriage, home, and family. It should start with a leader-servant husband, not always the wives hopeing to “win their husband without a word” by going along with their unbibilical, (yes I said UNBIBLICAL) habits. Can you imagine trying to explain this struggle to married couples in the 1930′s or 1940′s? It would be unheard of. Men were men then, not teenagers well into their 30ies. Lets get real, wives!
You go, girl! That’s awesome.
I agree with you: we need to confront them on it. As I said in another comment: the idea that we can just “love him through it” and not say anything and he’ll change is ridiculous. Marriage doesn’t call for women to say nothing; marriage calls for us to confront when appropriate, and to be truly intimate, which means being vulnerable and sharing what we’re thinking.
The problem, though, is that you can confront and tell him that you don’t like it and he still may do nothing. I agree that he should be the servant leader, but if he isn’t, your confronting isn’t necessarily going to change things. You should still do it, but find ways to do it constructively, that’s all.
Is there a “like” button on here?
Society has generated the “stay young” mentality, and men have, for generations, had that “midlife crisis” thing that produces a lust for anything youth-related. If we pulled out Barbie dolls or tea sets and made it a daily habit, we’d be asked to try counseling.
We, as the Bible tells us, should be good stewards. Of everything. Money, possessions, resources, and time. Time is the one thing most people squander. I do notice many men do not like to see their own children wasting away in front of a monitor or screen.
That sight can make a decent role reversal tool …
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LOVE THAT POINT…if we pulled out Barbie dolls and tea sets….
Here’s another issue, though, and one that I struggle with: my husband is a great guy, and neither of us puts up with much. When we see each other doing something wrong, we call them on it, and we tend to listen. I’m not one to “win him without words” pretty much EVER (and besides, that’s talking about a totally different situation, not about failing to confront a Christian husband when he’s sinning. That verse is taken out of context way too much). We talk, we confront, we grow, and it’s all great.
But MOST women don’t have that kind of marriage. And while you’re perfectly right that men shouldn’t be wasting their time, the problem is that many men do not react well to a wife confronting them. It will cause them to withdraw further.
The question, then, is what should these women do? Maybe we need more training for kids when they’re younger on how to confront, because being submissive does not mean that your husband becomes godly; quite often the opposite occurs. Quite often being overly submissive simply means that he has no obstacles to wanting to pursue whatever sinful area he’s pursuing.
Yet on a practical level, what steps should she take? Confront, yes. Make the home a busy place so there’s less time for video games. Talk to someone at church. But let’s not pretend that confronting works automatically, either, because men may not be ready for it. And that’s where things just get really, really hard.
I think it’s the use of “confront” that makes confrontation so dismissive for people. I think the term “intervention” took the same trail a long time ago. Instead of helpful connotations, they retain negative, divisive meanings.
For me, the “putting the shoe on the other foot” strategy works. It works every time, though I do not use it often for fear of overdoing it. My husband does not see the effects of his time use, his spending, or some of his choices because he grew up under a father who did (and still does) anything he wishes “because he deserves it” after working all week. The “King of the Castle” mentality takes its toll on wives. My mother-in-law worked full-time, too, during most of my husband’s growing up, but didn’t lament out loud, still had a meal on the table and snacks in the ‘fridge every day, plus sewed Halloween costumes, volunteered at school, and attended every social engagement, bringing along a homemade dish to share every time.
It’s definitely a gender-biased issue, and it all comes down to how we play it.
Despite the vindicating nature just getting it out there and facing facts, men don’t see those facts because ego/self-esteem/self-preservation covers the entrances to his thoughts. Women do not like to be whacked over the head and dragged to the man’s perspective, either. We aren’t willing participants in changing our habits without shedding our pride and understanding that it’s for the greater good: our marriages.
We can’t threaten, we can’t beg, we can’t demand, nor can we cry and whine.
What we can do is give it all to God, letting out all the frustration, listing all our complaints, asking how to even attempt to mitigate the situation, and then start making plans to do so — God does step in to lead. I know I made mistakes in approaching (better word than confronting) my husband about this issue, as well as other issues. God uses the mistakes, too.
Each man has his own pathway that a wife can determine — if she doesn’t already, that’s where God comes in to improve our powers of observation and intuition. THis is not a time for high emotion, but for high alert … pay attention, use words wisely, and don’t wait around hoping everything will change just because you have prayed for it.
Begin talking to your husband about other issues — the kids, the bills, the noisy refrigerator. Ask his opinions about things, engage him in conversation. Ask his opinion on something you notice you would like to change about yourself. Make yourself vulnerable.
He may follow your lead if you can keep your head and your heart under control. The mania I felt was overwhelming … I couldn’t stand the sight of a lit computer monitor. But, you have to check those emotions at the door and stick with the bare facts and present them like they are golden nuggets of truth … and very, very carefully offer only one piece at a time.
You have to know your husband well to do this. If you don’t, you must become his best student, learn him well and go on from there.
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“Each man has his own pathway that a wife can determine — if she doesn’t already, that’s where God comes in to improve our powers of observation and intuition. THis is not a time for high emotion, but for high alert … pay attention, use words wisely, and don’t wait around hoping everything will change just because you have prayed for it.”
Really? I figure that my husband is the head of the household and can find out his own path. If he asks me I can share my opinion. However I’m not his mom, and it’s not my job to figure out his life for him. As for following my lead – again, I’ll share concerns and confront actual sin. From that point on it’s his job to lead the way forward.
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By “determine” I mean understand, notice, comprehend and know, not “set for him”. Sorry for any misunderstanding.
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I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that feels this way, I was thrilled to see all the posts with the same thinking as I have about this issue.
Couple of follow up thoughts based on the comments.
1. I have been dealing with this issue in my marriage for 8 years, we have 6 children that are under 5 years old, including 4 month old twins. I’ve tried a variety of ways to deal with it. I did the being submissive and accepting the behavior, thinking, “well at least he’s home and not in a bar or out carousing.” That didn’t work, my “acceptance” of it, was more like permission to play more often.
2. Tried the direct confrontation. This lead to 3 incidents of physical property damage, yelling, and screeching out of the driveway in his car. Unfortuately the physical property damage did not involve the playstation.
3. Manipulate him with my behavior, you know, silent treatments, withholding sex, and the like.
Now here’s what has worked, and it got me 5 months last year with the playstation in its box in the closet:
1. Not saving him from the consequences of his actions (or lack there of). If the kids play in the bathroom and smear pee and poop all over the bathroom while he’s “watching” them, he gets to clean it up. True story. If he gets angry at the kids for daring to “interupt” his “me” time, he can seek their forgiveness and repair the damage done himself.
2. Explain to him that his behavior is a stumbling block to you. (Romans 14:13) “It causes me to be angry, bitter, resentful towards you.” If something he is doing is causing you to stumble, as your spiritual leader, he needs to know about it. I’m not talking about manuipulating him, if you are genuinely not spiritually strong enough to handle his gaming or whatever habit, he should know about it, he doesn’t have to care, but he should at least know. He will answer to God one day for it, and his prayers are hindered because of it, now that is serious stuff! (Look at 1 Peter 3:7)
3. Set a powerful example. Don’t waste time pursing worthless things yourself. Find things that have redeeming value and pursue those things. We were not created to be entertained.
4. Trust the work of the Holy Spirit in his life, pray for the conviction in his heart to overwelm him.
5. When he starts to pursue other more profitable things, get involved. Show him the value of those other pursuits.
6. Sit in the room with him, do something profitable while being with him. Make sure he knows you love him even if you don’t love his choice of activities. The goal is not to drive him away but endear him to you.
The last thing I want to address, mentioned in another comment, is the comparison of gaming to other media outlets. I would propose that there are a few differences. Video games require a large amount of mental attention, much more than watching TV, reading, or doing facebook, etc. Those are largely ‘take it or leave it’ type activities. Twin babies can not be fed and burped properly, while also playing video games,
(while mommy is at the grocery store) I would also propose that most things can not be done well, while also playing a video game.
I’m holding out for another reprieve from the playstation this year. Its usually after the men’s retreat, through the summer, until football season begins again. Crossing my fingers
Thank you, Chrissy. That was very helpful.
And I’m a big advocate of “reaping what you sow” as well. We should be setting up all our relationships to model this, or else we disrupt God’s natural pattern for teaching us lessons.
” I have a few things to say to all these 30 year old gamers, especially if they are married with children. (Like my husband, and I’ve shared these thoughts with him a few times
) “GROW UP.””
Truth is, that’s exactly what it boils down to–well said!
thanks Greg
This is a challenging issue these days. I can speak from personal experience of wasting a large amount of my free time on video games. My wife once complained that she felt like the computer was my first wife and she was the second. It was an honest addiction that I had, no question about it.
I was finally able to break free nine and a half months ago, and I have not gone back. It is amazing how much more I am able to get done, but I still have to be careful that I don’t use my time on other things of little worth. And the desire to play is still there. When I am tempted to return, I try to remember the things that I lost during that time: closeness with my family, sleep, etc. I remember the emptiness and loneliness that I felt underneath everthing. The numbing of my emotions. This helps me to stay away.
I also find strength in a saying I heard (I think it’s originally from AA): “You’re one drink away from being a drunk.” In my case, I’m one game away from being an addict again.
Please continue to pray for your husband. This will work wonders, and God will continue to feel after him.
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I love what Chrissy said! But having been married to a gamer for nearly 20 years I can say this… it is not as easy as the 4 points listed in the post.
I think one of the biggest things people who have not had to deal with a gamer or gaming addict miss is that it is an addiction. You can’t just do a “little bit” and quit. It tends to be an all or nothing kind of thing. They can’t set a time, play for an hour and be done.
They also lose interest in everything else. Suggest all the other amazing things you want… but if the gaming has a hold on them they will turn it all down.
The trouble I see with so much of this gaming is that so many people are involved in it that it becomes socially acceptable. As a wife, when my husband was playing online with friends I couldn’t talk to him about spending more time with me because he would disappoint his friends AND… their wives let them play so why am I being so controlling? Meanwhile he never hears what those wives have to say!
Gaming can be like any other addiction – look it up – with withdrawal symptoms, loss of the ability to enjoy other things – even sex, loss of job, etc, etc. Any wife with a gaming addict has likely tried all the things above and found that still, no matter what she does she is competing against a computer that gives her husband everything he wants. I used to tell my husband I’d rather he had an affair because then at least I could compete!
Sometimes wives of gamers need to make some very drastic changes, intervention style, in order for their husbands to see how serious they are about how their gaming affects them and the world around them. Because when guys look up from the computer, go to work or talk with the guys what does he find? They are all gaming. So if “everyone is doing it” then it must be the wife who is the problem. And she needs to, sometimes, make very drastic changes in order to help him see what the problem really is… because to him there is no problem.
I’m glad prayer is listed. But I honestly believe that a woman who is praying alone for her husband will not have the strength and endurance to pray this one through on her own. She needs to be praying with others – both men and women – who can advise her. Obviously when praying with men it needs to be separated – give a list of prayer requests and let them pray on their own. But the reason is this: Gaming is a daily issue. It affects every area of life. And it can get very, very overwhelming to see no progress. When you are praying with others, it helps to keep you focused, helps you to understand what the Lord is saying through others, and assures there are others praying when you are too discouraged to pray. Trust me. It happens.
My biggest disappointment in life has been when I’ve talked with counsellors and other men about this issue and they down play it simply because they also are gamers. We need men to stand up and be strong… not just about their faith, and a good work ethic, but to say to the men who are gaming… everything Chrissy said. We need men to be men when it comes to gaming. But they are hard to find.
The difficulty is that men who are gamers are hidden. They show up to church, they go to work, they show up at events they are invited to… and no one knows that every other hour of the day and night they are in front of a screen. The wife, who feels all alone, lonely, and abandoned, can hardly speak up because if she does, her friends and family will all point to all the good he does when he’s out with her.
People… if someone tells you their spouse is a gamer and things are hard at home… don’t look at what you see when he’s at church or a family gathering… believe her. Then support her. It’s not easy being a gamer’s wife and the answers to how to help him are even more difficult.
Having said all that… and I have so much more to say!… it is possible for a man to quit gaming and to reengage with his family. My husband has made remarkable steps in that direction. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of stuff to deal with. There can be lasting damage. But it is possible. With much prayer, hard decisions, and obeying everything God tells you as you navigate through it… it can happen. It may take years… but it is possible.
I thank God that my husband has more freedom now to engage in our marriage and family life than he ever has before. Gaming stole many years of our marriage.
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Thank you, Carla. That was really helpful.
I think the problem is that it CAN be a genuine addiction, but it isn’t ALWAYS a genuine addiction. My husband plays strategy games on the computer, sometimes for hours on end, but then he’ll go for two months without playing. And if I suggest something else, he tends to come.
So perhaps I should have divided this into two posts: a post for those who are addicted, and a post for wives of husbands who just waste a lot of time, but aren’t addicted.
I think in the case of a genuine addiction we need to follow the steps that I put in the post “Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?”, because that can so easily wreck a marriage. But it isn’t always that straightforward, because most women wouldn’t separate over video games and, as your case shows, this can get better, even if it takes decades.
It’s just really hard. But we have to share our feelings, and we have to tell him what we think. Just do it in a helpful way!
I’m glad you wrote an update. You were wayyyyy too soft. To me this topic is yet another example of the double standard that exists in lots of christian marriages. If this were the wife doing this, people would be all over her and it would be really unacceptable. No one would stand for it. But because it’s the man somehow we have to dance around it and basically indulge him so as not to make him angry or feel bad. Ridiculous I say. I hope this person that wrote you has no children yet. It will only get worse. I’ve been there. Think seriously before you decide to have children with this man. If he ignores you now, he will ignore the children as well and you will feel like a single parent. It’s time for him to man up.
I see some good suggestions, some righteous indignation, and even some pontification based on an inaccurate view of video games here.
There can be a perception that video games are things for children. This is a foolish way to think. Video games are a form of media- much as TV, music, movies, and books are. Some are for children. Some are more adult oriented. Thinking of video games as being for children only does a double disservice- it means parents are more likely to not critically examine the games their kids play (thinking “video games are for kids” ignores that many games are NOT appropriate for children) while also demeaning those who enjoy them as a means of entertainment. You might as well say a woman who picks up a romance novel (even a clean one) is no different from a 15 year old girl with her girlish ideals of what a relationship ought to be like. Saying a husband is acting like a child for playing games (even to excess) is foolish, counterproductive, and showing no respect at all. Chrissy, I’d explain it to couples in the 1930s and 1940s by likening it to someone who is obsessed with a radio program. It’s easy to explain once you realize that video games are just another media form. You may need to rethink your presuppositions… you seem awfully eager to write off the husband as childish.
The suggestion to replace games with something else is a good one. So is discussing things in a calm and adult manner. I would even suggest that if quality time is an important factor, then it is incumbent on both members of the relationship to find ways to ensure that need is met.
I would consider playing video games excessively is no different than never putting down the book, TV remote, headphones, or internet/Facebook- male or female, it’s an addiction to a form of entertainment. However, because some consider games to be childish things, suddenly the husband is no longer someone in need of changing his focus, but he’s also an overgrown child.
I might also suggest that rather than mandating going cold turkey, maybe trying to find a way for the husband to pursue his interests too… maybe try to agree that there would be a given time where media distractions were turned off. Or also find out why this game world causes such an obsession with him.
Jumping straight to confrontation over how childish he has been seems like a great way to drive him further into that fantasy world… letting a man know he is failing and that he is going to be hard pressed to please you is a recipe for creating withdrawal. Maybe try encouragement and point out those things he does well. Men respond well to the carrot and not the stick.
Good thoughts, Phil. Thank you. I agree that telling a man he’s childish is absolutely the wrong thing to do, because it’s calling names and it does tend to drive him away. I think finding more constructive ways to fill time can go a long way to helping someone realize what they are missing out on by playing video games too much (or Facebook too much, or any of the other things we spend our lives on).
I agree that telling a man he’s childish will only drive him away. And gaming is not a child’s sport!
But it isn’t as easy as finding something else to do together. It’s much, much more difficult than that. First.. you have to find something that he will actually want to do… and be willing to give up his game for that amount of time. Second… the minute you are back home he’s likely right back on the game. It doesn’t become a replacement, it just gets added on to the day and the gaming goes later, longer.
I agree that we all have things we spend too much time on, but there are somethings that are particularly addictive and tend to have more long-reaching effects than others. It’s not just a time thing. There’s more to gaming than just time wasting.
Gaming also gives them the ability to conquer (which they often can’t do in real life), to use their strength and intelligence, to be a winner, to climb the ranks, to be on a winning team. THAT is what you are battling… not just time.
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Why not tell a man he’s childish if he is being childish? We women are constantly being told we’re nags, dramatic, b**chy, over emotional, etc etc etc. Call a spade a spade! The Bible doesn’t mince words, why should we? Of course, I’m not saying calling him names, but tell it like it is!
amen ladybug!
Because he may or may not be actually childish.
If your definition of “childish” is playing video games, your definition needs calibration. Badly.
And calling him childish IS calling him names. You aren’t labeling the activity, but the person. I would very much not recommend calling your husband names just because there are women out there who have themselves being called names.
If you’re looking for an even better way to drive him away than calling him childish, blaming him for the wrongs committed by others is a great way to do it.
What helps me clear my perspective in these kinds of matters is to try and:
1. Identify what the sin is
2. Deal with the sin (and only the sin, and nothing but the sin)
Is he being a goldy husband, father, leader?
Help him build into becoming more of the above, and the gaming habit will crack and resolve itself. There is a sermon by Marc Driscoll that really inspired me that I would suggest you getting your husband to listen to: http://marshill.com/media/special/best-of-marriage-and-men
If you can help him re-establish his relationship with God, and with his role as a father. Then he will notice (all by himself) that he is not being the greates dad and father, and that he will need to cut down on the gaming to be what God has made him to be.
The gaming is not the issue, it is the understanding of his role as father and dad that needs to be lovingly challenged.
My grandparents used to sit and listen to the radio together at the end of long day working hard on the farm and raising their family, it involved the entire family. Hardly seems to come close to a good comparison for todays practice of gaming by grown men. I don’t consider my husband childish, I consider him self-centered when he chooses to isolate himself from the rest of the family for entertainments sake. I’ve actually never called him childish for gaming and I understand that it is somthing he enjoys doing, like golfing, or playing football. However, most women are not picking up a romance novel when there are responsiblities to be taken care of in the house or with the family. When EVERYTHING else is taken care of, when your “on track” spiritually speaking, your relationships are well tended to, the house isn’t falling down around you and you happen to have an extra hour at the end of the night, I’d “respectfully” say, “play away”
The standards for men these days is pretty low, for us women, they are higher than ever, sometime self imposed standards, but there just the same.
Most of us would never even consider doing some kind of “me” based activity until the rest of the work is done. And even then, we’d like to sit down with our ‘respectable’ husbands and listen to a radio program together.
Chrissy I totally think you are on the right track here. I agree with everything you’ve said.
I think for most women whose husband’s are gamers the issue is not that they are childish, or that they are playing games… the issue is that the priorities are not in order. You’ve laid out the priorities that we would like to see our men have.
I have to say that not all families raise their kids with that same set of responsibilities. When I married my husband I was shocked that “play” was such a huge part of his life. Gaming didn’t start when we got married but in his childhood… and we’ve been married nearly 20 years. And gaming has been part of our marriage from the beginning.
I agree with your other post too, about the steps to take to help your husband come out of the gaming and into family life.
It takes communication as well to communicate together about what your priorities for family life will be. For our family, it looks completely different than what I had envisioned as a young wife… it includes way more gaming than I would have chosen. However, having said that, my husband has taught me a lot about taking time off and away from stressful situations.
We have to be careful not to impose our priorities to but discuss them together, often over years of time, to come to something that will be biblical, and acceptable by both spouses. This becomes even more important as the kids grow up and start making choices based on not only what they’ve been taught, but what they’ve caught! and I think that’s been some of the biggest “wake-up” catalyst my husband has ever experienced – seeing his kids follow his footsteps.
As I’ve prayed through my husband’s gaming and how to deal with it, I’ve become more gentle, more confident, more aware of my own failings, and more open to changing my way of doing things – even my priorities – to be inline with what God has asked for the wife of my husband. Each woman must pray and ask God what her husband needs that only she can give. I think when we find that answer, and commit to being that woman, we will see our husbands flourish.
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Hi
This is a good post, my hubby is… I think, in the category of not quite addicted but heading that way. He has no issues turning the screen if to do stuff with us.
We’ve had lots of conversations about his often excessive playing and though I’ve explained my feelings, I’ve also told him that he’s the one who needs to decide if/when/how he wants to proceed with his gaming. I love him anyway, even if I’m frustrated sometimes! This actually turned out to be a really important part for him, he’d seen many friends whose wives had just stepped in like the guys mommy and demanded their husbands stop games, or whatever it was they disapproved of, so the fact that I gave him room to find his comfort level when it came to slowing/stopping the game. He actually came to me and presented me with his plan, it took a year, but he set a date, had his “game goals” he was able to accomplish, and was able to fulfill his “commitment” to the group he was in. He left the serious “can’t leave” the computer stuff, he felt, respectfully, which for him made it easier.
Now that being said. He does still play, but its maybe an hour or so a night after kids are in bed, and he jumps off the computer quickly and happily if he’s needed/wanted.
I’m not sure I agree with the joining his game though, I did try before having kids and have a friend or 2 that tried the same. Problem is that even for those of us who could just toss the game, when you are playing time just marches on so quickly! It also seemed like it became permission for them to play more and more cause “we’re spending time together”. Haha.
Once I quit and started doing other things, he sorta eased up, maybe out of guilt at first? But in the end cause he realized he was missing his life. I know someone mentioned that when a guys family is out all over doing things, they often retreat more, and that could be totally true, I think in my case what helped is that we couldn’t really afford to be out out doing zoos, and trips, and such. To we were still there, in his presence often, but living life. So he kinda got to be there, but realized he was sitting in the stands not playing the game!!
Another handy thing… NO Computer Room!! When I tried kinda “banishing” him to the basement to play. He felt guilty and miserable all the time, but it was also alot more easier to just leave all reality and play for hours and hours. Even though he complained about feeling bad etc, he’d want to play so bad he’d just need to go downstairs. So we moved his computer right into the main living area, he felt more apart of the family, less guilt weighing him down. He was also distracted lots by our son and had to stop lots to play or whatever. I felt less frustrated because he kinda because involved with us again, and as he stepped out of the game more and more, he found it easier to continue doing so.
Now every once and a while he might start getting a little excessive, but a gentle “reminder” before anyone gets hurt seems to be enough for him to kinda check himself and his game play.
So far so good!
I pray that others who are struggling in this area will be able to, with Gods guidance, find the best solution and support for this tough situation.
Kaitlyn, I think that one simple suggestion is an awesome one: NO COMPUTER ROOM. If he’s in the middle of everything, he’s still part of the family, and is less likely to spend hours and hours. Thanks for sharing your story!
Katilyn,
I’m glad you mentioned that having a computer room is a bad idea. When we moved into our current house, my husband mentioned having his desk and computers in the basement. So glad I didn’t go for that! It’s on the main floor, right by the front door and stairs. So if I need something (or our daughters do) we can easily access him.
The specific game makes a huge difference. We won’t play the MMO or real time games because they require major demands on time to be good at them and some weird hours (for the real time games). We used to play, as a couple, but stopped. Even now, video/computer games are Hubby’s hobby, but he is getting better at finding a good balance. Honestly, it got “easier” when Doctor D (our son) started showing signs of TV addiction! Hubby found his motivation in this, that with him sitting in front of a screen so much, it was affecting our little boy. Its not all figured out, and he still plays, but he’s careful to play games that can be saved and turned off, and he can still get good at. Its all an issue of balance.
I did read the follow up blog, and though you had some very good thoughts there. And good advice. I’m still learning how to bring up less than comfortable topics — I so dislike confrontation!
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And, as per the previous commenter, having the computer in the living room is great for this! Hubby gets interrupted more (not good for work, so he has to be intentional about working in the bedroom or at school), but he is where Doctor D can just bring a book, or tackle Daddy. He’s in the middle of our family life, we can talk more, and he is more aware.
Rachael recently posted..Early Rising
What helps to bring clarity to these situations, is to:
1. Identify what the sin is, then
2. Deal with the sin (and only the sin, and nothing but the sin)
Is he being a godly father, husband and servant-leader?
If the answer is no, then that is the point that needs to be addressed, not the gaming. The main objective in this engagement, is to facilitate his re-engagement with God, so that God can work in his life. There is an excellent sermon by Marc Driscoll that jump started my understanding of fathering and husbanding that I would suggest you get your husband to listen to: http://marshill.com/media/special/best-of-marriage-and-men
Gaming is not the issue, his relationship with God, and his understanding of what a father and husband is, is (the issue). If the latter gets sorted out, then the gaming issue will crack, and he will sort that out himself.
I’m so struggling with this!!! My husband of 10+ years is obsessed with video games. And now with his smartphone, tablet, and laptop it’s consumes him. We have very young children and they demand so much of my attention. He can be right where we are and not even glance at them. If I don’t insist on his help, he will be with those devices all day and through the night. He will stay up for them, but not for us. My other issue is wondering if he is going to porn sites and or connecting with other females. He told me if he was I would never know. He is very smart about covering his tracks with all his devices.
Hi, LS. It sounds as if we share some background. Our marriage has survived it, and it takes work, self-control, and a careful rein on what comes out of your mouth.
My advice is to stop focusing on your husband’s gaming/electronics. Take some of your time from your children (they won’t suffer — but your marriage will, if left alone), and take interest in your husband. Offer him compliments (think about good points to mention — it may be hard if you have a negative attitude), don’t scold him or make fun of his gaming. Don’t mention his computer use. Be transparent in everything you do, from phone calls and texts to your own passwords. Pay attention to him, pass by him and gently touch his shoulder or give him a hug/kiss. Men NEED attention from their wives, just as we do from them. Having small children climbing all over us makes more physical contact almost unbearable sometimes. Pray about it — ask God for direction, guidance and strength. I didn’t do those things and drove my husband farther away, using our kids’ needs and young ages as excuses.
If your husband has connected with any women, or one woman, your job is the same: give him compliments during the day, call his attention to his good points, that he goes to work each day, that he provides well for you, that he has amazing eyes, a terrific sense of humor. Be honest and thoughtful — no false compliments. Reach out to him sincerely. Don’t stop, even if he doesn’t say or do anything encouraging. Take small steps, doing and saying kind, loving, respectful things. If he’s living an online life, the truth will begin to come out — he can’t live secrets forever, no matter how well he covers his tracks. My husbands secrets filtered out everywhere after a while. He felt ashamed for falling into the sin he did of sharing his feelings with someone else who began to cling to him for her own misguided reasons. If your husband has a relationship going on, you may begin to see signs (anger toward you, lack of physical interest or more passionate interest than usual, moodiness, lots of texting/phone calling he keeps secret or causes him to anger when you casually ask about his activity.
It won’t help to mention the possibility of another woman unless you have a really good idea it’s true. There are many blogs and sources online for help in handling that situation. And, as always, pray about it.
God will deal with your husband and his habits, and your attention to him may help in that. When you feel you can, after you have worked at the complimenting and positive attitudes and actions, tell him how much you miss him during the day. Tell him you would love for him to join you in taking care of the little ones so you can have more time together — but don’t load the work on (if you both work, you may always be the more nurturing parent … most moms are … but encourage him and don’t tell him how to parent, which I did all the time and caused even more trouble).
Pray. Pray every day, and pour your heart out to God about your concerns and your hopes. God can handle any screaming and crying you might give. Don’t be shy. Let him hold you up as you go through this, and thank him for the small victories you find.
Hang in there, LS — I’m praying for you. I’ve been there.
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Here’s a post I read last year and was trying to locate; I thought was pretty objective and honest–especially from a gamer himself:
http://www.ign.com/articles/2012/08/28/playing-games-for-all-the-wrong-reasons
OK, so I came over here from a different blog, and I’ve got to say, the men’s POV is making more sense to me. I left this comment on the male-oriented blog I clicked over from. Here’s what I said there that I think bears repeating:
” I play as much as my hubby does, and if he wants to go play with friends, then I think that is awesome. I’d just be in the way, so I stay home (unless it’s couples board games or something), but I understand the wife’s urge. She’s not jealous of the friends. She’s jealous that he’s having fun when her womanly instinct would be to use all that “free” time scrubbing baseboards or something. Wait…maybe that’s me. Anyhow, I don’t get mad at my hubby for that, because he takes care of my needs and the family’s first. Any time he can have some fun with friends, I’m happy.
(This) couple will find the balance, too, like we have, if she’ll just understand that men do not have the same desire to make their environment just so before they’re able to relax, and that they NEED to relax a lot more than we do. I don’t know why it’s true, but it is true. ”
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There was one thing wrong – they should have delayed marriage until they were ready to start a family. When both were ready to give up the self part of their lives for children, it is easier than trying to worry about each other’s free time.
But there seems to be a bit of solipsism. Men need different KINDS of down-time than women. Active solitude. Fishing, hunting, watching sports, driving vehicles, hiking, biking or other athletic activity. It may appear to be an addiction or obsession, but that is how they regain energy and reset mentally. It is a form of solitude. Holy silence even if there seems to be external noise. Or maybe that is his way to idle.
Do you think you could survive if he played the time tax auditor and analyzed your schedule to the last minute, and he would decide what was a waste of time? I didn’t see any reciprocity – “I think He wastes His time, so He has to be confronted”.
If it isn’t harmful or truly obsessive, but merely when there isn’t anything else to do he does that, it is his method of recreation.
If he could do something truly productive, suggest it, but not simply double the number of futile attempts. If you think it would be wise for him to find a better low-wage job, suggest that – but would you want him to work overtime or unusual hours that pay more?
Asking if there would be anything you could do to help would be better than a confrontation.
Otherwise, ask what you would sacrifice for him. Not the whiny, see how much a martyr I am for my sacrifice. Instead: you represent Christ to me, so I’m willing to do anything within his will, but are you acting like Christ in this?
My new husband and I are going through something similar, and I’m unsure of what to do about it.
If I didn’t say anything, he would play video games all day. Before we got married, he said he used to play up to 12 hours a day, sometimes having marathons with his friends. Yikes. To this, my 28-year old brain wants to say to his 28-year old brain “GROW UP!”.
We have opposite work schedules, and very little time together, especially on weeknights. I come home around 5pm and he has to go to work at 10pm (he works graveyard while I have a typical “9 to 5″ job. He’ll wake up around 6-7pm, and by this time I’m usually finishing cooking dinner. He’ll ask if I need help sometimes, but either way, he’ll usually end up playing video games in the evening. Or we’ll watch TV together – we have a few favorite shows. Regardless, the video games seem to always be played.
As another person mentioned above, the wife feels shut out when the guy is often distracted by playing video games. My husband rents video games (I’m thankful he isn’t the type to just go out and buy every $60 game he wants), so he’ll play one…then send it back…then another one on his list arrives…he’ll play it….send it back, and so on. But I see it as a never ending cycle – there’s always another level, or another game to try. And, because of our schedule, I think “we could be doing something fun together, but you’re playing video games.”
I’ve tried playing the game with him…..but we like different kinds. I’m more a fan of the old-school Super Mario games….while he prefers COD, Assassin’s Creed, etc. Bleh. No thanks. I always think “I’d rather be doing something else” or “the dishes need to be done, etc.” when I’m playing them anyway.
I knew he liked to play video games before I married him, and I didn’t expect it to change. However, before we were married, he had the same job, which left him little free time, so I just assumed he was playing video games to unwind – thats cool – I need some time to unwind after work too. I’ll usually turn the tv on for about 30 minutes….and then I’ll start dinner. Notice I said “30 minutes”, not “2 hours.”
I’ve brought this up to him – and he asks what I would like to do ( as a fun activity.) I honestly don’t know, because as I’ve mentioned, he has to leave for work in about 3 hours…and he’ll usually try to squeeze in a quick nap before then. So, even less time to spend together.
So…what to do? I’ve prayed about this. I’ve asked God for patience (which I have a small amount of) and wisdom about what to do next. I suppose I could go hang out with friends (like I used to on weeknights before we were married, as we were long-distance)…but I would like to spend time with him. We spend a lot of time apart as it is. Having opposite schedules and being opposite people in general makes it challenging to find things in common to do – even though I know they’re there! I’m trying to stay positive – I know he would be pretty much up for whatever I suggest to do (within reason of course), but I just can’t think of anything! We both don’t like conflict (not good, I know), so I hesitate to mention things sometimes – not because I”m afraid of what he’ll say (he’s a very laidback, calm person), but because I don’t have a solution. If I told him “Honey, maybe we could do something fun together tonight?” “Sure, what do you wanna do?” “umm…..(see? I have no idea/solution.)”
Helpful suggestions welcome.
Signed,
A Frustrated Wifey