Note: Just want to give a shoutout to Spice and Love and Cheri at at the Purse-onality Challenge who are participating in my blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex! Visit their blogs to read a review and enter to win!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you can comment or link up a marriage post of your own below.
This week I’ve had a mini-series on what to do when you discover your husband is using porn. I’ve been interviewing Vicki Tiede, author of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography. We looked at what to do when you discover your husband’s using porn, and how to deal with your husband’s porn use. Today I thought I’d sum up what we’ve discussed and add some of my own thoughts.
So what do you do if your husband uses porn?
1. You Must Grieve
It’s going to come as a major sucker punch. You’ll feel betrayed, and dirty, and angry. That’s natural. Likely you knew something was wrong, and you suspected something, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Now you know, and very likely the feelings are overwhelming. People often arrive on this blog the night they discover it, and they find posts talking about it and pour out their hurt in the comments. That hurt is raw and very real.
That’s okay. Give yourself some grace to be upset. Give yourself some time to yell at God about it, to wrestle this through, and to cry. You don’t have to fix anything overnight, and sometimes if we try too hard to fix it right now we do more damage. At times, when we first find out something so devastating, we’re tempted to say, “it’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it, let’s just forget it and go back to normal” because we’re afraid to face what this means.
But sometimes we need to admit brokenness. If we don’t admit it, it can’t be fixed. And it could be that what God is going to make out of the pieces will be different from what you started with, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be beautiful. Grieve, and give God time to work. Don’t deny the gravity of the hurt.
At the same time, if I can offer some reassurance, so many marriages have emerged on the other side. And one thing that helps is that, after that initial grief is over, you realize that you are on the same page, fighting an evil together. Don’t let porn come between you; instead, decide to fight together to defeat this. Most Christian men desperately want to stop. They don’t want to be doing this. It enslaves them. If you can be an ally, rather than an attacker, you both will move forward so much more easily.
2. You Must Live in the Light
Porn thrives on secrecy. In her book, Vicki recounts the words of one woman, married 45 years, who discovered her husband’s masturbation habit two years into this marriage. “if it ever got out, I’d kill myself,” he told her. And so she didn’t say a word, and lived with it. For 45 years. Can you imagine?
Vicki doesn’t believe that staying in darkness is the answer. As I’ve said before, you need to bring these things to light.
As a church, we need to bring this to light.
There is so much ignorance around the whole pornography problem. It truly does ensnare people, making it almost impossible for them to function normally sexually with a human being. What becomes arousing is an image, and they become so focused on masturbation and pornography that a relationship isn’t sexy anymore. And it’s too much work! Once you start using porn, too, it rarely stays with the tame stuff. People will seek out more and more hard core stimulation. Eventually, they may even act things out. This isn’t people just looking at something to get their jollies; this is something that can all too easily turn into an addiction.
And that’s why you must bring light to it. You can’t let it stay a secret. He needs help, but so do you. You will likely need someone to walk through this process with you, and that’s okay. More churches need to provide support for couples going through this. And most pastors have dealt with this at length. So talk to your pastor and find out what support your church offers.
3. You Must Get Help
It is not enough for a husband to apologize and promise never to do it again. You wouldn’t accept that of an alcoholic; you would ask him or her to go to AA meetings. The same goes for porn use.
There’s such shame involved with porn because it’s sexual, but the admonition from the Bible doesn’t change. James 5:16 says, “confess your sins one to another”. Confession should be a regular part of the Christian life. If a husband admits he uses porn, apologizes, but then asks that his wife not say anything and is unwilling himself to seek any help, then he hasn’t really repented.
True repentance is always accompanied by true humility, and that means that someone will seek help. I’m not saying tell everyone you know. I’m saying tell one person who can hold you accountable; one person who can call your husband or take him out for coffee periodically and look him in the eyes and challenge him on what he’s doing.
Pray about who that one person should be, but do find that one person for him.
And then find one person for you, too. One person that you can pour your heart out to, and can help guide you as you deal with this, move on to forgiveness, and rebuild.
4. You Must Set Boundaries
Finally, if you don’t want this to happen again, you must set boundaries. That isn’t being vengeful; it’s just being smart. If your husband had an affair at work, you’d likely want him to find another job. You’d want something to change so that he won’t fall into it again.
And this should be the same thing. I don’t know what those boundaries will look like for your family; they could involve computer controls, or getting rid of the internet temporarily. They could mean choosing to share computers and cell phones so that there is no longer any secrecy. Perhaps sharing passwords. Maybe it might mean setting “technology free” hours at home, where all screens go off at 9:00 pm, so that it’s relationship time and you know you have his attention.
One warning about boundaries, though. It is must easier to build trust again if you know that there is someone else helping your husband set those boundaries, and someone else holding him accountable. It’s not a good situation to feel as if you have to monitor your husband’s every move. That sets up a very unhealthy dynamic, where you’re constantly on the watch for him to mess up.
But for the men reading this, know that your wife will be able to trust you easier if you have an accountability partner. So don’t shy away from finding someone to talk to!
Rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sex life takes time, but it is possible. But it is only possible if you admit the gravity of the problem, get some help, and truly repent and become humble before God. You both need God’s help. You both need outside help. And you both will need some time.
In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I share the story of Anna and Paul. Anna discovered Paul’s porn use years into their marriage; she was devastated, and he was mortified to be found out. But in the end, it was the best thing to happen to their marriage. Paul had been living in secret shame for so long, and now he was able to deal with the problem. And their marriage has been rebuilt.
Your problem is not bigger than God; and if you are honest before God, His strength is more than sufficient to see you through.
If you’ve ever had this problem, leave a comment (anonymously if you have to) and let us know your story.
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The Road to Grace
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
I loved all that you had to say and I very much agree with it. This has been something my husband and I have had to struggle with since the very beginning. My husband has had a porn addiction since he was a young teenager. Before we got married he told me of his problem; he and I both naively assumed that it was a problem that would go away once he was having sex with me (we were both virgins when we married). Unfortunately, neither of us understood the nature of an addiction and that it wasn’t about just meeting sexual needs. There were some rough years at the beginning. Eventually we were able to work with a counselor that helped us understand more of what was really going on(and it helped me a ton to learn that it wasn’t my shortcomings in the bedroom that caused him to turn to porn).
May I add one more piece of advice? Please be patient with the process, especially if your husband is repentant and truly trying to change. It may take a long time for him to finally be free of the addiction. My husband loves Christ and has been seeking spiritual help (as well as help from trusted others) to overcome this, but it is still a very, very long process. Things are much better now (12 years later) but there are still occasional slip ups. However, there are no secrets anymore and we are fighting this battle together. That has made all the difference.
Thank you so much for your comment, Heidi! You raised such a good point, and it’s one that I’ve seen time and time again: most Christian men involved in porn feel deep and abiding shame and WANT to quit–they just have a very hard time quitting. Not all men, of course. Some deny the problem, or admit the porn use but don’t think it’s wrong.
So, yes, often it is a very long process, especially for men who have been using porn since the early teens when they first started experiencing sexual feelings. Once you get over that grief, it is so important that if your husband is repentant you try to get on the same page and attack the porn together, not attack him as a person. So true!
Can someone advise me on how to find all the comments on the posts each day? Sometimes I click and find a huge list, other times I click the same link (through the daily email) and nothing shows up? Or 1 post? I’m technologically challenged!
Scarlett, I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re getting the blog by email, if you click on the title of the blog post in the email it should bring you to the original post. Then if you scroll down you should see the comments. You just click on them and that should open them all up, if they’re not open already.
If you’re at the main blog site, and not at an individual post, the comments won’t show unless you click on the word “comments” at the bottom of the post. But if you’re at an individual post they should all be there, if that makes any sense.
The way to tell if you’re at an individual post or the main blog site are whether there’s more than one post on the page. If there’s only post, you’re at the single blog post and the comments should be there. If there is more than one post, you’re at the main site (http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com) and you’ll have to click on the word “comments”! I hope that helps, because I’m not entirely sure what the problem is. I hope I covered it! If I didn’t, just clarify what you’re asking and I’ll try again.
Thank you so much for tackling this topic. It is a courageous act to even bring it up!
Christie Martin recently posted..Wifey Wednesday: Fasting and Praying
You’re welcome, Christie. I’ve just seen so many women devastated by it that we need to start talking about it more.
My hubby doesn’t have this problem, but I know it’s quite an epidemic in our nation. I’m so glad you’re addressing it here, Sheila. I love your statement, “what God is going to make out of the pieces will be different from what you started with, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be beautiful.” It is a painful breaking, but I believe God pours His grace into that brokenness in amazing ways. I’ve experienced it in my marriage for other sin issues. Thanks again for this timely and informative post! Nice to be linking for the first time!
Glad you’re here, Beth!
Sheila – I want to thank you for this series, and for making me aware of Vicki’s book.
I talk with a lot of men, and there is a huge amount of denial about porn. Those who use it deny it’s a problem, those who once used it deny it has changed how they think about sex, and most refuse to see how big and deep the problem is. I even see a lot of denial from women – I think they don’t want to see how bad it is or admit that it has changed their husband as much as it has.
Paul H. Byerly recently posted..Let me help you with that sin …
I think we’re only starting to understand the deep problems porn brings. It’s not just with a guy’s sex life or sexual performance; it’s everything about who he is. It’s a deep, deep problem and we really need to take it seriously. Thanks for your encouragement, Paul!
This blog post from Desiring God is a good resource on the pornography issue: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/why-pornography-robs-a-man-of-his-humanness
Dawn recently posted..True Leadership and Submission
Thanks for that, Dawn!
My husband says he is no longer interested in sex and last time I tried he just didn’t get hard. I found 3 porn dvd’s he had hidden. I hid a video camera before I left for work and caught him master bating to a dvd. I want to throw away those dvd’s, without asking him. Is this wrong of me? He didn’t ask me to bring them in.
Jeannie, I wouldn’t necessarily throw the away. I would first get a couple around you who can support you in this. Then I would put the DVDs in the middle of the dining room table and say, “we are going to talk about this”. And say, “this is wrecking our marriage and our intimacy, and it has to stop.” And then ask him to talk to that couple or counselor with you.
Just make sure you have someone to support you through this first. And pray lots! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so, so ugly. But God has done amazing things in marriages, and He can work in yours, too.
My husband grew up in a Chriatian household, he was the youngest of three brothers in the house. He started using porn from a very young age. The parents would occasionally find the porn (magazines and VHS back in the day) and it was a slap on the wrist. He and his brothers have all struggled with porn use into their marriages. My husband and I are proudly on the better end of it.
My question is we have two sons, with today’s technology what should I do to ensure porn doesnt become a struggle in their lives? I can explain until I’m blue in the face what effects it will have on their future wives and marriages. Any ideas?
I’d love to hear some input on this as well. We’re expecting our first boy in March and I’d love to get some advise early on on what we can do to prevent this from becoming a problem in his life and later on in his marriage.
Great question! I think I’ll put this up as a Reader Question of the Week this week, because it needs wider viewing.
Quick answers: computers in common places, not in their rooms. Shared computers, or at least shared passwords, if possible. Get parental controls.
I think it’s unrealistic to hope that they won’t see anything at all–although we can pray hard. But you can stop it from becoming a habit if you make sure that computers are common things.
Another idea I’ve seen parents with: the wifi gets turned off at 9 pm, or maybe 10, so that teens (and adults!) can’t be on the internet mindlessly at night.
So those are a few thoughts. I’ll put it up on Saturday, though, and see what other people say!
I would also add that these same measures need to be taken with our daughters. There has been a continuing rise in young women’s use of porn also.
Amen to that! Girls are just as easily sucked in by porn. I think anything we are saying to our son’s about keeping their hears pure is just as important to tell our daughters. It doesn’t just change the way males think, it changes the HUMAN brain. We need to protect our children in general.
The suggestions I’ve see are all rote and mechanical. None of them point to our Creator or the sacrifice and resurrection of the Son. As Colossians 2:20-24 tell us – these type of rules, while they have an appearance of usefulness, are not of any value.
We would do better to teach daughters and sons
– Your body is an intrinsic part of who you are as a human.
– Your body’s beauty is the personal handiwork of God.
– In God’s eyes, there is no shame to be found in our bodies as God created them.
– The unclothed human body is NOT primarily sexual in nature.
– The automatic and natural response to the sight of an unclothed body is NOT sexual arousal.
– It is absolutely normal – and according to God’s design – that we should be attracted to the beauty of the natural human form. (Attraction is not the same as pursuit.)
– You will consistently pursue relationships (you were designed for relationships). Try to determine where and why you are pursuing that particular relationship.
(Most of these ideas were taken from My Chains Are Gone)
We have been married for 15 years and in 2006 I found out my husbands addiction. I found out late, when it progressed to sex addiction. He started the porn addiction earlier & I was oblivious. Maybe it was having babies back to back & moving to a new state. What I can say is that God is amazing & awesome! All of your advice and Vickie’ s advice is spot on. I researched endlessly on the topic, we got help & it was hard! He wasn’t very willing so I stayed on my course. He did go to the pastor with me for some sessions however I sought counseling for myself, set boundaries and prayed like crazy. I had prayer partners & a support group. Found this blog during that time. It took years, but today I love my husband MORE than before & feel connected to him even more than in 1997 when we married. The more I grew in my walk, leaving old things behind taking responsibility for myself & my life & I knew God had better for me. I grew stronger! My husband reached out for help and I began to forgive. It isn’t easy BUT your marriage can survive! We are a true testimony to that.
That’s beautiful, April. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure you encouraged many women with that.
It was exactly a year ago that I discovered my husband’s porn addiction. It went beyond viewing and masturbating–he had hidden cameras in our bedroom & bathroom and was using me to make porn. There are whole websites devoted to men “sharing” their wives and apparently I was quite the star. Betrayal doesn’t even begin to describe it. By the grace of God and without any real research on our part, we seem to have done everything right. My husband has completely repented, gone public with our pastors, and has done his best to surround himself with men who will hold him accountable. We have installed filters, our internet router times off at night, we’ve changed our habits so we go to bed at the same time (being alone late at night is not good for him). Because of job situations, abandoning the internet or sharing a computer or phone is not an option for us. The trust issue is what takes time. Any time there is even a slight movement back into old routines, I get nervous. If he’s not explicit with how he uses his time and what he did during the day, I get nervous. If he’s on his computer a lot in the evening, I get nervous (he’s technologically savvy enough that he could get around the internet controls if he wanted to. There just isn’t a filter strong enough for tech-savvy guys out there). The only way I know of to rebuild our trust is time, prayer, and the grace of God…but mostly time. Fortunately, he gets that. I must add as a side note, too, that I was surprised at the willingness of people to lay the blame for my husband’s porn addiction exclusively at my feet. They quickly assumed that I was a sexually frigid prude, or emotionally unstable, or somehow not adequate for my husband’s needs…therefore his seeking out porn was somehow a little bit justified. Even though no one actually verbalized that, I received multiple insinuations in that direction (and yes, this was coming from a church and Christian environment). I do hope such assumptions stem from the aforementioned ignorance to pornography and the nature of an addiction to it. Honestly, the assumptions that my husband’s addiction was all my fault was just about as painful as the results of the addiction itself. During the first three months after I discovered my husband’s addiction, I listened to a specific Christian music CD over and over. One of the songs had this bridge: “You made very star and taught it how to shine/You knew my name before there was time/ All this is just part of your glorious design/ Hallelujah!” In my heart, I knew (and know) that, like people before me said, this messy yucky part of our marriage will be part of God’s glorious design of triumph, restoration, healing, and hope. After all, isn’t God about taking icky things are making them beautiful? Of course, that doesn’t mean any of this was pleasant or easy and I would never choose to walk this road. But I am thankful that God is so good and strengthened me so I could forgive (slowly), and so my husband and I can restore our marriage (again, slowly and sometimes painfully). We are not all the way “there” yet, but I think we are walking the right road and I am confident that if we both keep our eyes and hearts on Jesus we will get to where we want to be.
Thank you for that wonderful comment! I’m so glad that you’re on the path to restoration, and you’re right–it does take time, and a lot of prayer.
I just want to say that I believe that this is very common, this attitude that “it has to be her fault”. I’ve seen it in the comments section of this blog so many times. While, of course, some women may aggravate the problem, that is not what I have seen in real life relationships on the whole. Many men, especially, begin a porn addiction long before the wedding. And even if the sex is great in marriage, that addiction is hard to break.
When little boys start seeing porn at 13 or 14, it’s going to affect their marriage. And we need to do everything we can to protect our boys, and our girls, from this stuff earlier so that it DOESN’T become a factor in so many marriages.
How about handling a wife’s dissociation problem. While lust/masturbation with porn is sinful and destructive, it seems to me that dissociating is worse. At least the man is thinking sinful thoughts APART from his wife. The wife, however, is doing the same WITH her husband. She is defiling the marriage bed more directly and, probably, more toxically. I know I would rather have a wife with a strong libido who sought some satisfaction through erotica/porn when I wasn’t available enough and even became addicted than a wife who fantasized about other people while actually having sex with me.
I absolutely agree, and I’ve written about this, too. You can find that post here. I also write about it at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. This is a HUGE problem for many women because sex is so much in our heads. If we need fantasy to be aroused, it can completely wreck intimacy. But there is hope at finding that intimacy again, for both men and women, and it starts with being real about the problem.
Thanks for that comment!
Can I add something as a wife in recovery on this very issue? I don’t think it’s helpful to say things like it’s “worse” or “more toxic” than pornography. If this wife doesn’t think it’s a problem, then perhaps that might get her attention, but if she already feels bad about it, it’s not going to help. The last time this issue was mentioned on this blog, I was told I was committing adultery in my heart. That cut my already fragile heart in half and made me physically ill.
What did help was my husband’s response when I told him about the post. He said that he understood why I would be upset, and it was ok to feel sick about it. If nothing ever changed, he still loved me and accepted me for exactly who I am. He was here to support me and work with me on the problem in whatever way I thought would be helpful. He still wanted to be with me inside and outside the bedroom. When he said that, relief flooded over my soul and I realized that it was going to be ok and we would figure it out together. There is power in unconditional love.
Another thing that he has done that has really helped is really listen to me about things of everyday life. Before, if something seemingly trivial was bugging me, I didn’t always mention it because he would say things like “Oh I really don’t want you to feel that way”, which didn’t help. Now, he validates how I feel. When we went to see the new James Bond movie, the character of the woman who was trapped in the sex traffic ring really bothered me. It also upset me that Bond had promised to help her and then when she died he seemed to not care at all. Before, I would have just buried those thoughts because “it’s just a movie”. This time, I told my husband about it and he affirmed me and it led to a whole discussion about the topic. How did this help with dissociation? Because I talked to him about it, the thoughts didn’t follow me into the bedroom as they would have before and I no longer needed to dissociate in order to escape all the things going around in my head.
My husband has also made sure not to do things that really turn me off. He makes sure his mouth is always minty fresh when he comes in the door so that I can jump him without being grossed out. If he does any type of physical work in the evening at home, he showers before coming to bed.
I also just finished reading The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz (not a Christian book, but still very helpful). This book is for survivors of sexual abuse. I still have trouble calling my experiences abuse for reasons I won’t get into, but the chapter on automatic reactions was extremely helpful for me. It used to be that as soon as my husband touched me, I was “gone” to a different world before I even understood what was happening. Reading that chapter helped me understand why that happens and how to stop it. Now, it’s not an automatic reaction any more. I still dissociate to orgasm, and I’m working on that. There was a tip in the book from an abuse survivor who said that she would fantasize to get over the hump and then pull herself back into the moment once she knew she was there. Each time, she was able to pull herself back a little bit earlier. That technique has really been working for me. Last night, I was only gone for maybe 15-30 *seconds* in a 45 minute encounter. That’s huge progress from being gone the entire time.
Now that the automatic reaction has stopped, I’ve been able to use the techniques in Sheila’s book and blog posts to focus on the present. I haven’t totally beat this yet, but it’s going much better.
I’m so sorry this is so long… jsr I hope that you find it helpful for you and your wife. This issue is huge and it’s not an easy fix. White-knuckling it and sexual pleasure aren’t exactly compatible. Your wife is definitely not alone.
Yes, but no one here is saying about a wife that is disaccosiating for the husband to involve others, seperate, etc. Nobody is saying on here the romance novels etc is just as serious… Please don’t get me wrong porn is an aweful thing and a sin and should be avoided at all costs. And yes, some just have the sickness and it doesn’t matter what the wife does but you wives are kidding yourselves if you don’t think you heavily influence it for a large number of men. I know it’s not popular to say….but it’s true. As a man who has struggled thru the years and has counseled other men there are many who just get hooked but many go there because we are hurt, lonely, tired of jumping through hoops to just be shot down.
I’m not saying it’s right for a man to turn there but we are not having a practical real life discussion by saying “it’s not our fault!”. Sometimes, in some marriages you are right. And sometimes in some marriages you are not.
My wife suffered from hormonal issues for years, I won’t go into the specifics but it was severe, very severe touching every aspect of our lives. Now that she has gotten that under control, I’m not even tempted 9 days out of 10. And resist the other day because I have a good thing now and don’t want to hurt her. But when you are hurt, downright have your heart torn out of you hurt which is what a husband is whose wife isn’t interested in him or turns him down regularly you are pushing your husband in the direction.
It’s recommended on this blog that once a week sex is good, let me tell you for any man in his 20′s or 30′s (or beyond? I don’t know yet), that’s a starvation diet. Doesn’t matter if you had a kid six months ago and am tired…you think he’s not tired and his own set of struggles?
Again I want to reiterate that I am a Christian man, who believes in the teachings of Christ. I love my wife more than anything in this world and would gladly die for her. I just don’t think you as women are giving enough weight to your responsiblty in this battle.
I really am not trying to place blame or put anyone down. I want to see victory for this in every marriage on here, but that will not be done if we don’t honestly look at this in both a biblical and real life down to earth practical way. I appreciate the blogs here and what you are trying to accomplish but you are not looking at it from a male point of view. Everytime a wife doesn’t want to have sex we tell the husband they need to work on the relationship, but everytime the husband turns to using porn we tell the husband it’s his fault. I’m sorry, it his fault for looking, but 30-50% of the time he has been driven to the point where it’s an easy decision, the wrong decision but nevertheless the decision that most human, sinful creatures will make. This needs to be addressed much more in these blog posts.
I absolutely believe romance novels can be dangerous, too, and I’ve written about them at length (and about erotica!). So I do agree with you there.
I’m not quite sure, though, where I ever said that once a week was a good amount of sex. That’s certainly not what I teach! If I inadvertently made it sound that way in some post, I am sorry.
Sheila, Thank you for your reply. First, I need to apolagize….as soon as I read your reply I realized that’s over at Hot, Holy, Humorous as to the once a week. Again, I want to thank you for what you are doing & trying to accomplish here (same at HHH)…I really appreciate it. I know these blogs are for women, but I like to read as it helps me to understand my wife….get inside her female brain because by her own admission she has a tough time expressing herself sometimes.
Again, I appreciate it but I want to make sure we are treating the men struggling with this the same as you’re readers want to be treated with their struggles. Do you think looking at porn is any more of a sin than disrespecting your husband? I can guarantee most wives reading this disrespect their husband in some way several times a week (even the best of wives, as the best of husbands have their shortfalls just the same)…do we need to take you in front of the pastor, church, etc? Rush you down to get an accountability partner? I want to be the first to say that their are times when that needs to be done with man struggling with porn, a long standing addiction where he has shown again and again he doesn’t care about the sin or you. Even times when he realizes he can’t give it up without that. But there is WAY to much generalization in these last few blogs. A great many men could stop tomorrow, maybe with the occasional slip up, but pretty much cold turkey if he was put in a marriage that was healthy and with a healthy sex life in that marriage. Some of the great men of the Bible had many outlets for their sexual needs (think of David) as they had many wives. As fallen creatures (yes the ideal at creation was one man and one woman no doubt, but you do know there is no where in the Bible where it says a man can only have one wife, unless he is in church leadership) men generally have a higher sex drive than their wive (I say generally…don’t want to say this is always the case) yet in this day and age where this false feminism is preached many men aren’t getting what they need emotionally or physically from their wife, regular involved enthuastic sex & respect.
Again, I want to say it is a sin. It is wrong. It has no place in a man’s life or marriage. However, many men turn to this cheap, false thing called porn because we love our wife enough not to leave her or to physically cheat on her but we are literally dying inside from hurt, loneliness, etc. It’s wrong but at times feels like all we have to turn to and it’s so easy to find…it’s everywhere. My wife suffered from PMDD, which is like PMS x 1,000- so I know how strong hormones can be. A man’s hormones are just as strong and sex is literally hard wired into us, it’s incredibly strong…we already make folks wait later and later to get married and then kids come along and screw with a wife’s hormones, etc. It’s like the guys who try to play by the rules are the ones who even have to walk the harder road. All I am saying is this, if you want to keep your husband from this problem or heal him from this problem you are not going to accomplish that without understanding men. It’s who we are. Sex is in our brains, it’s held close to our head and close to our hearts.
So in conclusion the two points I want to make sure I communicate are: 1) if you want success make sure you are giving regular, enthuastic sex to your husband & if you have not been don’t be easy on him but don’t go to hard on him….love him back to you because that’s where most men want to be (not all though) 2) Please give him the same grace, mercy and love you want for your shortcomings. Believe it or not you hurt us just as badly as us looking at this garbage…do you want us to consider seperation, drag you in front of the church, etc….please take it seriously but for the men mentioned above that want to be with you, and are just settling because you aren’t there or maybe they are just stumbling and sinning treat them as you want to be treated. But again, for the serious cases do the above but I’m afraid some of the women reading this have husbands who aren’t in deep, who aren’t addicted and these Christian women who don’t have any idea are blowing it out of proportion due to not knowing enough on the subject, hurt, etc. Trust me, in my time in the full-time ministry I went as far as having the elders of the church pray over a man and dare I say casting out a demon for men/man having this addiction….what I’m saying is I don’t take this lightly but it’s way more simple and way more complicated than what has been presented in these past couple blog posts…but I still appreciate you tackling it. THANK YOU.
@Love my wife: Are you for real? Did I read that right in saying that some men (if they’re not in “too deep”) can just give up porn cold turkey? Maybe…if they’ve hardly looked but the stats say that many men first saw porn around age 11…so in my husband’s case that’s over 3 decades of viewing porn which is why he is now in counselling, has an accountability partner, attends SA meetings and is working on getting free from this addiction. Maybe you don’t know much about this type of addiction but maybe you need to do some research.
I’ve spent months trying to believe that my husband’s addiction is not my fault…something not easy for a person who already had self esteem issues to begin with…yet reading your response has not helped at all.
I wouldn’t say my husband’s addiction is any worse than any sin I’ve committed, but this addiction has affected our marriage, our family and had things gotten out of control it could also have affected our finances and his job.
You have just proven why couples need to see a counsellor who is trained and knowledgeable about sex addiction because there are too many people who are quick to blame the wife. Trust me…we already feel guilty enough already..we’re just as broken (if not more) as our husbands are.
Julie,
First, I am sorry for all the pain that porn has caused in your life. I think in my posts I stay again and again it’s wrong. I know it’s tough (I do it too) but try to read my post not thru your own hurt, situation. I say “some” guys, 30-50% would not be viewing or could quit if they had a wife that loved and gave to them sexually. I don’t know you, or what your relationship is with your husband but assuming you are presenting yourself accurately and are a wife who does do that then your husband falls into the 50-70% I was not talking about and at least half my post was not directed to you.
I’m sorry you feel my comments are out of line. This is something I have struggled with in my life after a friend and my father, yes my father, introduced me to porn in my teenage years. I was saved a couple years later, and was considered a very strong and on fire Christian and had success on and off…a woman will never believe the hormones running thru a teenage male body. After college I was a fulltime minister for a few years, but my wife’s struggles with PMDD just about destroyed my faith, self esteem, etc. and I choose to leave the ministry. But I have been to Bible college and had many men and even couples come to me on this issue for counseling over the years. during our first thirteen years of marriage, the amount of health my wife had at any given point effected how much she could love me and my success with this problem did in fact come and go with how much my wife could love me. I know that sounds bad, but please understand that my wives condition was severe…very severe. For many men, yes we turn to porn even though most of us know it’s a cheap imitiation and wrong when we are hurt, lonely, etc. Again, some just turn there because they are selfish, some because they are addicted…but not all, some of us just turn there after months and months (years and years) of lonliness and hurt. That part of my post was directed to those marriages, wives…as each situation/marriage is unique.
I’m glad to hear your husband is working on getting free, but please understand…we aren’t ever free of this. It’s something we will struggle with day in, day out until we die. That doesn’t mean we physically go and view it, but the urges and sometimes the thoughts….I wish I could tell you otherwise but I suspect the number that ever beat the urges and thoughts are somewhere in the 5-20% range. Doesn’t mean we don’t love our wives with all of our hearts it just means it’s something that we choose that day and every day to not do because we love God and love our wife.
Again,
Thanks or the reply!
We also have 3 boys and I am extremely diligent about this idea of porn when i comes tonthem, because of what has happened in our marriage. Interestingly enough, my husband is as well and I believe it is because of what he has experienced throughout his life.
For the anonymous woman, stay strong! It took 3 years or so for us to get through this all. Remember this is a habit that started before you. Sheila I think we also need to recognize that many men suffered abuse, illicit sex acts and other traumatic episodes in their youth & young adulthood that attributes to their behavior. They need help. It is not our fault!
Women, we just need to reclaim our sexuality and our sex in bed with our hubbies! That’s why I appreciate you Sheila.
Ok, off my soapbox now.
The post from the disassociating wife causes me to think that her problem is so similar to the effect of porn on a person. I discovered that my husband had a porn addiction 1 1/2 years ago, we have been to counseling and working to rebuild our marriage and it is a slow painstaking process based on constant prayer. But what we are learning is that we never had the intimacy I thought we had. We’ve been married 25 1/2 years and my husband has been putting up emotional walls to hide behind all this time. He grew up in a family who were unloving and clearly to this day put the older sibling on a pedastool and made it clear nothing he ever has done or will do will ever be enough to please them. His father died without a single time expressing the words I love you to my husband. Because of this he has hidden his real feelings and emotions to me, almost as if he thinks if I really knew him I wouldn’t love him. Therefore he turned to porn because it doesn’t require intimacy, and possible rejection. The result of all this has been a disassociation and fantasy during physical intimacy that made true intimacy impossible. Once it was addressed there was an inability to be aroused without it. The thing that has helped was after confession and repentance I had to give him unconditional love. And it was not easy at first. I argued with the Lord vehenamently about it, how could HE ask this of me after all I had been through? But just like usual, I just couldn’t see the big picture from my perspective. It’s a long hard road and I wish we were on the other side enough to say the Lord redeemed it all, but what I can say is the Lord is clearly working miracles for us and some day soon I will look back and say HE took our broken pieces and put them back together to make something even better than what we started with. Jesus loves us unconditionally and we have to offer that to our spouses to live the life God has planned for us.
I (the dissociating wife above) agree that the effects are similar to porn in so many ways. Part of the problem for me did start from pornography, but not my own use – I have never looked at any porn at all in my life by my own choice. It was all over my house when I was a child. My father had pictures & calendars on the walls and stacks of magazines lying everywhere. At least he had the decency to hide the videos in the back of the closet, but everything else was out in the open. Dissociating does block true intimacy as does porn and I think they both require repentance and some brain re-training to relearn sexual arousal and release without them. That last part is what we’re still working on.
Where I think it differs from porn is that it’s not an outward behaviour. Love my wife above is saying that people don’t tell husbands of dissociating wives to bring others in and that makes sense on one level because you can put all the safeguards in place that you want – like having no media exposure at all (which I did for a while and it didn’t help)… but if the problem is in your head, the accountability partner idea doesn’t work quite the same. That being said, if I were reading romance novels (which I definitely am not), I think it would be totally appropriate to have an accountability partner for that behaviour.
“Love My Wife” has made very legitimate points. Points my husband made & I think all wives should take heed and hear. I still stand by the “it’s not our fault” line though. Pornography use can and often leads to sex outside of the marriage (affairs, cyber sex, soliciting prostitues) and each person has to take their own responsibility for their own actions despite what they are not getting from their spouse (wives in this case) bottom line.
Really, we need heavy prayer and communion with God. He can & will heal. The sad thing is that poronography is available. Sex is made for good & has been so distorted, for centuries.
April recently posted..Reflections During The Unpacking
http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/sin/porn-limits-sex
“A word to wives
You have a part to play in your husband’s noise to signal issue. Given the world we live in, there is no way any man can avoid all sexual noise. This means a good strong visual sexual signal from you is a great help. Your husband wants and needs to see you partially dressed, dressed with a few buttons open (and bending over for his enjoyment), and fully naked. He needs to see you flashing, teasing, and tantalizing him with your body. I know, I know, you don’t like to do this because you are overweight, or your breasts are too small, or your belly button is ugly or your labia are uneven, or your butt is all wrong. I understand that the world makes it very difficult for a woman to have a good body image, and that’s just another intrusion into a couple’s sex life. You have been lied to, just as he has been lied to.
You have things none of the noise has – you are his loving wife, his willing sex partner, the woman with whom he has great sex. These things multiply the effect of your signal more than you can imagine. I once heard someone say he does not look at porn for the same reason he does not look at travel brochures – why look at someplace you are not going to go. Every man knows he’s not going to “go” to where the noise is – but he is going to be with you, and that makes what you show him far more powerful than the noise can ever be. Give him a good strong signal and he will find it easier to ignore the noise.”
Please understand that your perspective isn’t the reality for all wives. Statisticly speaking, men who are addicted to porn became addicted BEFORE they were married, many in there preteen years. Also, porn use is frequently the cause of, rather than the result of, sexual dysfunction in marriage. For about 20%(and growing fyi) it is the husband who is refusing to be physically intimate.
For myself, I’m one of those 20%. My husband has refused sex for over 11 years and ALL physical affection for more than two years. And no I don’t belittle him, or refuse to “give him a strong visual signal”. He does however tell me repeatedly that “your just uninspiring honey”, that is if he doesn’t laugh like he’s watching a Lauryl and Hardy Movie. I through out the lingerie after he laughed until I was in tears, then he got about 5 inches from my face and screamed “YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS”. After days of pretending I didn’t exist, he suddenly came in yelling. Demanding that I appologize to him for overreacting. Apparently tears were out of line. I started seeking outside help when I discovered his videos of women beating each other up(what he watches as porn) And I’ve been told that my husband’s responses are part of his overall pattern of abuse. AND that his abusiveness is NOT something I should be taking responsiblity for.
Bravo, Debbie! I’m so glad that you’re getting outside help. Nothing ever gets better if we keep it secret. And you SHOULD NOT be treated like that.
I completely agree–in the vast majority of cases of porn use that I have heard about and that people have written to me about, the porn use started BEFORE marriage. So I think we need to get out of the “blame the wives” game.
Sheila,
I’m not trying to play “blame the wives game”…I know there are folks here who have an agenda or are too hurt to see past that hurt and I do not deny your statistics that a large percentage of the addictions started before marriage. However, I think in at least a big enough percentage of marriages that it needs to be mentioned where a wife, is either not interested in sex or emasculates her husband on a regular basis plays a part (you as woman probably don’t feel it’s as large of part as I do as a man…but that is why I am posting to give you a different perspective) in a husband turning to porn. You might not like it the way it sounds, it might be only accurate 25-50% of the time BUT it is a reality. And if in fact our hope is to have restoration/healing/purity in these marriages 1/4-1/2 of the women who discover this better at least ask the question…or the fix/healing is short term at best. Again, I’m not on here to be a porn advicate…I’m 180 degrees the other way and I’m not on here to bash wives (but please understand many of the wives posting about their husbands come extremely close to bashing if not over the line) but if you’ve got a man that needs sex 4 times a week and would be willing to settle for 2-3 but he’s getting 1-to once a month…in reality he’s going somewhere else. Does that suck? Yes…but’s it’s reality and trust me it sucks just as bad for that man whose wife is not loving him the way he needs. He feels just as betrayed, lonely, hurt, etc as these wives who are discovering the porn use. I’ll shut up now, it’s my last post but I think this has been a VERY one sided, very female point of view post and comment section and believe me you aren’t going to find success in a men’s problem going at it from such a female viewpoint 100%- and again THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THOSE MARRIAGES WHERE THE WIFE IS LOVING OR IF HE IS A TRUE ADDICT (AND SOME OF THE POSTERS HUSBANDS WERE DEFINETLY 100% OFF THE DEEP END ADDICTS).
HHA,
That was good!! Thanks for sharing and reminding us to do this.
April recently posted..Reflections During The Unpacking
I found out my husband had been using porn within the first year of our marriage, he got help from our pastor and all was well… Fast forward to two weeks before our seventh anniversary and he tells me not only has he been looking at porn again, but he had been on a dating web site and cheated on me the day before. I had no idea that this was going on, I knew he was withdrawing from me, but not sure why. This happened a little over 5 months ago, and although I am still in shock over it all, I am so happy to report that we are both on the road to healing in and through my Savior Jesus Christ. I could not have made it this far without him. Realizing that this was much more than a simple desire to watch and get excited and that it was a real addiction had helped us both. Although time will tell where we will go from here, I am thankful in a way for how much I have grown because of it. I pray every day that one day this might become easier for both of us.