Sex Is Emotional, Whether We Admit it Or Not.

Well, I had quite the interesting day yesterday! And I’d like to tell you the story, but before I do a few housekeeping issues:

Read on to the bottom of this post because I’m going to announce the winners to last week’s giveaway! And the blog tour for my 31 Days to Great Sex ebook is continuing with The Alabaster Jar today. She’s got a great review up, so head on over!

A few weeks ago you may remember that The Huffington Post contacted me to ask if I’d do a live webinar about 50 Shades of Grey. They wanted to discuss whether it was good or bad for marriage, and they had found one of my blog posts arguing that 50 Shades of Grey hurts marriage. I guess I did a good job, because yesterday at the last minute they contacted me again.

Here was the subject: a little while ago a Huff Post editor wrote a post on the 15 kinds of sex she had in her 20s. Things like barter sex, or quick sex, or whatever. Then a woman named Rachel Hollis wrote a response, saying she only had one kind of sex in her 20s, and it was amazing, because she was married. Rachel did a really great job; you should read her article here. One line that particularly caught my eye was this:

This list makes it sound like an impulse purchase, like, “Girl, we’ve all made these same bad choices, no big deal.” But we ALL haven’t made those same choices and some of us think sex IS a big deal.

I completely agree with her!

So we were going to discuss that on the webinar: what makes amazing sex? Having one partner, or having lots of them? And they asked me.

For the rest of the morning before the webinar I was going around the house saying to my girls, “how do I get myself into these things?” Because really, who wants to argue the “Christian” viewpoint in front of an audience that all thinks it’s ridiculous? But I kept praying and saying to God, “I don’t care if this doesn’t sell any books and isn’t about publicity for me. I just want someone in the audience to know ‘it doesn’t have to be this way’“. And I guess there’s value in that, right?

Because I honestly began to question that value by the end of the webinar. The other four guests were the twenty-something woman who wrote the original article, a former porn star, a “sexologist”, and a guy who writes a magazine for people in open marriages. I’m not kidding. And there was little ole’ me, saying, “I’ve been married since I was 21, and I’ve been married for 21 years, and sex is amazing.

Anyway, in such a situation you don’t get a chance to talk that much. But I think I did get some points out. I seemed to be able to frame the debate for the first half, anyway, when I said that sex is about so much more than just the body, it’s also supposed to be deeply intimate. And it’s the intimacy that makes it great.

The other guests mostly didn’t like that. And near the end of the show the former porn star said that the reason so many women regret their sexual encounters is that they have this mistaken idea that sex has to be emotional, when it doesn’t. So I asked, “are you saying that sex isn’t emotional, that it’s only that way because women think it is?” And she said that this is what our culture teaches, and we need to teach young people that it doesn’t need to be that way, that you can make sex what you want it to be.

A little while later I mentioned that during sex our bodies actually produce oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, but several snorted at that.

But think about that for a minute: the prevailing consensus in our culture is that the reason people feel guilty over having casual sex partners is because WE have made sex into something emotional. They honestly don’t believe that it IS something emotional.

Another great line from the webinar: the woman called “Cinnamon” said, “you can achieve intimacy with someone you met in a bar, or you can achieve intimacy with someone you’ve been married to for twenty years. You can have intimacy with lots of people.”

I’m almost crying as I type this. Think of the scars that people carry around when they truly believe that! They’re deluding themselves, and they don’t even know it. They think they’re so enlightened and so hip and so cool, but they’re so EMPTY.

This is what we live in the middle of! It’s awful. And I feel like I need a shower after all that.

Intimacy is such a beautiful thing. It is a gift from God. And it is something which, by the grace of God, I am so grateful to say that I share only with my husband, now and til death do us part.

You can watch the train wreck of a webinar here, or click below. I still think I did do some good, but let me ask you: should I keep doing these things? Or is it pointless? Let me know!

Now, for some winners! Last week I was doing a Card Swap raffle for a $50 gift card, and the winner was Carla! I’ve contacted her by email. Congratulations, Carla!

On the same post I said I’d pick three comments at random and they would receive a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex. Those winners were Beth, Alicia, and Ann, and I’ve sent them their books this morning. Thanks so much for commenting and reading, and I hope you all keep enjoying 31 Days to Great Sex (because great sex is sex with our HUSBANDS, because it truly is intimate and emotional. So there!).

So tell me, in the comments, what would you have said? Even if you didn’t watch the webinar, how do you respond when people around you say, “sex doesn’t have to be emotional”? Because that is truly what our culture believes, and we had better have an answer!


  1. I definitely think that you should continue to speak up for God-designed sex! Before I encountered your blog, I had slowly started to believe the lies of our culture. I feel like my sexuality has been re-born now! However, I can see how it can be really difficult to stand up in an arena where you know everyone else is going to attack your view. I pray for you a lot… that God would continue to give you strength. But really… it doesn’t matter what any of your readers think. I pray that you would be able to hear what God’s will is… that he would give you wisdom into these decisions!

  2. Your answer may come in the next few days as you evaluate the results. Will you be contacted by listeners who are looking for something more than “intimacy with somebody they just met in a bar”? I expect you’ll find you need to keep speaking, but, oh, the toll it can take!
    Lori @ In My Kitchen, In My Life recently posted…Christmas is Coming: the Sane, Serene, and Satisfying Holiday PlanMy Profile

  3. Sheila, way to be willing to talk about another way to view sex! Before marriage, despite being a virgin, I had mentally separated sex from intimacy and emotion. Buy my husband, who is a seriously amazing man, has insisted on emotional as well as physical intimacy in our love-making. And it has blessed me in ways I had never expected.

  4. Absolutely you should keep doing it! You’re speaking to an audience full of people who don’t know that they are precious and irreplaceable people with souls that are affected by their actions, not just bodies to be used and manipulated for selfish pleasure. Even if you don’t see results, I know that there will be some, even if it’s just a spark of awareness in one mind. Keep showing them Jesus!
    Cindy recently posted…Quiet TimeMy Profile

  5. Just keep speaking God’s truth, Sheila. His Word will NOT come back void and just maybe one person who is listening to you will realize the truth and their eyes will be opened.
    Lori recently posted…My Daughter The BallerinaMy Profile

  6. God will let you know if you should continue doing speaking engagements like this, just listen for His will. I have a feeling you touched many more hearts than you know. You may not see the results immediately but you are planting seeds that hopefully will sprout and grow as they are exposed to more and more nourishment. I imagine that a lot of folks that were listening/participating have never even considered it from the viewpoint you shared before. On a side note, I LOVE your blog and it is been a HUGE help to me!

  7. You have been placed in such an wonderful (and very awkward) position to reach an audience who wouldn’t hear the truth about sex if it weren’t for you. Our society thinks that sex within the boundaries of marriage (or any boundaries really) is foolish, but if they only knew! I love your openness and honesty. Thanks for doing what you do. It’s desperately needed.

  8. Iris Lancaster says:

    Sheila, I love your blog and recommend it whenever I can. I’m 27, been married for a little over two years to a wonderful man, and have a girl and boy 18 months and 5 months.

    To answer your question about whether it’s a waste of time to do those webinar things…. My first response was “of course it’s not a waste if time! Surely it will do some good.” then, I clicked the link and watched. Sheila, you are just way out of these people’s leagues. How can you reason with someone who has NO moral compass? My opinion is that you should keep writing responses in blog form to these ridiculous articles that minimize and demoralize (does that mean what I think it means? Lol) sex. The webinar I just watched was an incredibly sad representation of our worldly culture, and quite frankly I think this fell into the “casting your pearls before swine” category. Just my two cents!!!

    Keep up the great work. You are a blessing and an encouragement to many!!


  9. Jamie {See Jamie blog} says:

    Yes! I’m sure it is very hard to do speaking engagements like that, when you are outnumbered and maybe even chosen hoping you’ll sound ridiculous — but the world needs to hear the TRUTH and you are bold enough to speak it. I thank God for your boldness and willingness to speak out about what seems to have become Satan’s biggest victory, because when we all believe his lies about what sex is or isn’t, then he makes HUGE progress in his war against marriage. I believed those lies, have far too much baggage as a result of it, even let it destroy my 1st marriage, and I continue to battle that way of thinking. I am thankful for all of write here on iur blog & in your books, and I believe God will continue using you to make a difference in many, many lives & marriages in the years to come. Bless you, Sheila!
    Jamie {See Jamie blog} recently posted…Holiday Homeschool HappeningsMy Profile

  10. I am so proud of you for going out there and being bold in the face of all those lies! Someone needs to take a public stand and you can do it.
    I find it heartbreaking that someone is out there saying “we” have made it emotional. Have any of these so called “experts” ever had really emotionally bonded sex? I love my husband like crazy but if something is wrong emotionally between us, sex doesn’t happen or if I try and make it work, the sex is horrible. You have to have emotional intimacy to have amazing sex. There, I am one of “those” people. :)

  11. I know the mental and emotional toll that standing up for truth can take a person. When you get done, you feel like you have just been put through the wringer so many times that it is hard to tell which way is up. I know that it is terribly difficult on you; maybe even one of the most difficult things in your life! That said, we DESPERATELY need people who will stand up for truth and righteousness in this day and age. I think you play a vital role in standing up for sex and marriage. God has given you a voice and the ability to communicate His truths in a clear and succinct way. I know if feels like you don’t have it in you, but I believe that God will continue to strengthen you and give you the words to say. If not you, then who? That is actually a good question for all of us! Whatever area we “specialize” in or any area where we have at least the knowledge of truth should be something that we stand up for. If you can set an example of standing up for truth to an audience that disagrees or fellow panel members that try to made you look like a fool, then why can’t the everyday housewife stand up for truth with her old best friend from high school? I think you are making a difference in many ways. Be encouraged!

  12. In situations where I feel that maybe I’ve wasted my time trying to share the truth, I take heart remembering what C.S. Lewis said, and I paraphrase, that “sometimes a person who completely disagreed with you in a debate will be found years later to have changed his mind based on things you said back then during the discussion.” When a seed is planted, it can take many years to grow. Or as we find with the Apostle Paul and Apollos, that Paul planted, Apollos watered, but God gave he increase (1 Corinthians 3:6). :)

    Keep scattering those seeds! :)

  13. You did a nice job standing your ground. It is a sad state of affairs that you have to argue for such basic truths as the value of intimacy in relationships. Only you can determine if each opportunity is worth the battle you will face. You will certainly have to protect your heart and mind and in these situations you have to feel under attack. On the other hand, if no voices like yours speak out, then the present culture dominates and grows. And young people may not even consider alternate viewpoints. I’m proud of your efforts and willingness to put yourself in uncomfortable positions. Too often, we’re preaching to the choir. But I agree this is a pretty amoral forum, I mean barter sex for a dishwasher?! I think that’s called prostitution. I think you might consider if the interviewer is at least neutral, which in this case, he clearly was not. I agree with others who say there are plenty of others who agree with you who are listening. The reason these interviewees are selected is partly because they are “edgy” and “provocative.” Also, good job keeping the research at the forefront because the numbers are often more convincing than opinions. Best to you in your efforts.

  14. I think people try so hard to convince themselves of things, like sex not being emotional, because they’re trying to numb past wounds. And in their minds, believing those things is easier than facing and dealing with the wounds. But there were people out there listening to this conversation, who are empty and hurting, who were desperately hoping there would be a voice like yours telling them there is a different way.

    You know that old song about a man dying and going to heaven, thinking he’s lived a pretty unremarkable life, but then people in heaven start lining up to tell him how his actions helped change their lives? That’s probably how this is going to go. :-)
    Melissa recently posted…On Being StrongMy Profile

  15. Sheila GOD has given you gifts and talents to accomplish what he had prepared you to do.For moments such as these he raises you up and speaks through you for HIS glory. Follow HIS will for your life and don’t be concerned with anyone else’s opinion.You live your life for an audience of one. Proud to see a sister in CHRIST shinning HIS light on the darkness.

  16. Sheila,

    God bless you for speaking up for holy and emotional sex, in a committed married relationship. Even if the whole world says otherwise, God’s truth will still stand. I’m pleased that there are some who are willing to stand up for the truth, even in a situtation where they may experience ridicule. Keep up the good work!
    Mark recently posted…Put On Your Own Mask FirstMy Profile

  17. You are a brave brave woman….it seemed like a such a difficult way to be able to fully express everything you wanted to…not being there in person and being in the minority opinion…the air time seemed to favor the others because they simply out numbered you. I think you were great considering the circumstances, and I wouldn’t give up entirely. But I can see why you wanted to take a shower after. Their thoughts and ideas are so contradictory to the bible and so foreign to me. It makes me so sad that the ideas that they had are being passed off as “normal”. Satan is so good and making something that God intended for good and help humans twist it and corrupt it and that was illustrated here. …One last thought….I think if I were you I might type up a fact sheet or a list of simple ideas and points and sources that you can reference in a time like that. Honestly you never know what they could throw at you, but I saw a few big themes you were trying to express being A. Sex is emotional B. Intimacy is critical C. The sexual culture of today hurts people in the long run…I think I would have a reference sheet with you to guide responses that you can back up with sources. You never know how God is going to work through that webinar and others. Truth isn’t going to turn back void.

  18. Sheila,
    I think you are a fantastic writer. I am so inspired by you and the topics you talk about. You help so many people each day but just writing down for us to see what God has placed on your heart. I commend you. Keep up the good work. You will reach people, even people who dont want to hear it. Thank you for all you do.

  19. It IS heartbreaking how empty people are. That emptiness is the explanation for so much of what’s wrong with our culture. God has put you in an amazing place to speak to a wonderful platform. Keep at it and great job!
    Jennifer K. Hale recently posted…Accidentally Amish– The Author’s Traditions and a Giveaway!My Profile

  20. Sheilah, please don’t give up! Please! Because we need your voice of reason out there. Even if only one woman hears and gets your message; it’s important. God is planting seeds when you speak, even in those who snickered and snorted over your comments. You just never know when that seed will burrow in and cause them to re-evaluate their thinking. You go girl! Because we will be here cheering you on. The voice of reason is NEEDED in this dark world.
    Mel @ Trailing After God recently posted…How To Minister Right Where You AreMy Profile

  21. So thankful you joined in and took a stand for what’s right. Don’t EVER question standing in the gap of what our “culture” says is right and what is BIBLICALLY right. You weren’t fighting for yourself and your own ideas, you were fighting for what GOD VALUES. God bless you and keep it up.
    Heather Day Gilbert recently posted…Guest Post on Southern Writers: Suite T!My Profile

  22. Sheila —

    You sound like one of my students who has just come home from a mission trip. One who’s already been heavily involved in service opportunities, who knows the value of giving, who is always seeking to share God’s love in any way she can. But she came back from this trip — to borrow Jeff Goins phrase — “wrecked”. What she saw and experienced and realized took her to a new depth of understanding God’s heart and, thus, His call on hers.

    I hear something new in your voice…or maybe not new so much as intensified. Perhaps in addition to wanting you reach others, God wanted you be reached by the “real world” in a way that confirms your true calling.

    Whether or not to do more? God will guide. My dad always says, “Our job is obedience. God’s is results.” (Somehow, I always get it backwards!)
    Cheri Gregory recently posted…A Lovely Invitation (+ My Apple Crisp Recipe)My Profile

  23. Melissa Wardwell says:

    If sex is not emotional, then tell me why I have had hours of emotional break downs with young ladies who had multiple partners because they can not connect with their husbands on a deaper leavel? I would still keep doing . You have become a voice that God uses to reach the lonely, confused and hurting. God gave you a passion to minister to couples who need to know these things. If He gave it to you , you need to use it. Just pray for grace Nd love before hand.

  24. I wrote you on your facebook page last night. :) You did a terrific job! I think the question is: Is it worth it to you to put yourself in that position? Everyone disagreed with you. Neal (the magazine writer) contradicted himself a few times, I think. So what does he know? lol You definitely made some GREAT points, and hopefully someone listened. My personality would not allow me to go through that grueling argument with such a large audience! Maybe you’re up for it. :)

  25. It’s true that sex without emotion might be enjoyable, in the way that many physical activities are enjoyable. Yoga, dancing, bicycling, sex — all of those activities can feel good physically whether or not there is any emotional investment in them. Sadly, some people have never experienced sex in a way that goes much beyond simply physical sensations and exercise, and so they think that is all there is to it. They don’t see the need for an emotional bond with a sex partner any more than they see the need for an emotional bond with a bicycle. It’s just a utilitarian relationship. Someone who thinks you can achieve the same kind of intimacy with a stranger in a bar that you have with a spouse of 20 years clearly doesn’t know what intimacy really is. They don’t even notice the emptiness in their life, because they have nothing to compare it to. Just as it is difficult to explain color to a blind person, it is difficult to explain intimacy to someone who has never experienced it. Once you have experienced it, you don’t want anything less. Porn stars, girls who engage in casual prostitution without even realizing that’s what it is, people who think open marriage is a good idea — maybe someday they will wake up. Maybe they won’t. But there are so many others out there listening who need to be influenced by a better point of view, by someone who can tell them what is possible so they won’t think that settling for less is all there is.
    Rosemary recently posted…Hold Onto Happy Times a Little LongerMy Profile

  26. More Lewis for you:

    “If all the world were Christian, it might not matter if all the world were uneducated. But, as it is, a cultural life will exist outside the Church whether it exists inside or not. To be ignorant and simple now — not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground — would be to throw down our weapons, and to betray our uneducated brethren who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered.”

    C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses (MacMillan, 1980), 28.

  27. Sheila,

    You are a courageous person. God bless you for standing up for healthy biblical intimacy in marriage.

    Ed Hird+

  28. We believe in bringing living water to the thirsty, being a voice in the wilderness. We don’t always get the affirmation of our efforts in the form of positive feedback from our audiences. But we must be confident of Who sends us and why.

    The message you herald about God’s design for marriage and sex is a sex-positive message. Only those who are wounded or blinded by sin will see it as something other than positive. And there in lies the principal reason for continuing to take opportunities like HP’s offered you. “He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” Psalm 107:20

    As far as the other panelists are concerned, the volume of their voices can’t undo the value of yours…as one who speaks a healing word.
    The Pure Bed recently posted…Help Get The Message OutMy Profile

  29. If one person is touched and/or changed by God’s truths (whether you ever know about it or not), then is it ever pointless?
    Jennifer recently posted…The Importance of SurrenderMy Profile

  30. Sheila,
    You did a ‘stand up’ job in that den of wolves. Definitely keep doing what you are doing. How else are we to speak up for God and marriage? I can’t speak that. You can. You were made for this.

    I work at a pregnancy care centre. We teach abstinence in the schools. We love each girl and try to show them godly lives and spirits. We don’t preach. We don’t judge.

    You are doing what you have been gifted for. Don’t be discouraged. Be encouraged for stepping out. You did or said nothing wrong in God’s eyes. Isn’t that what is important?

    Janis Cox recently posted…WONDERSTRUCK A SECOND TIME!My Profile

  31. I think, as people listen to all the opinions in the webcast, only one will ring true deep in their souls, and that is your (well, God’s) view of love, sex, marriage and intimacy. Thanks for being willing to stand up for the truth. I bet you reached more people than you realize.

  32. As so many others have already said, keep speaking the truth in love!

    I know it has to be incredibly intimidating to stand in the midst of the world’s voices–we really are in a battle for truth–but God will work through you as you honor Him. His truth doesn’t return void. Praying for continued boldness and courage for you!

    • And one more I had to throw in:

      “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.” — Winston Churchill

  33. Ashley@marriedlane says:

    We need more women like you, willing to go against the flow and share a gospel of healing love rather than empty nothingness. Thank you for being so bold! Keep it up!

  34. Press on to His high calling for you, Sheila! You are a voice crying out in the wilderness, but God’s Word and truth does not return void. It may SEEM like you got nowhere, but I honestly believe you gave the other panelists and the listeners something to think about even if they are not willing to admit it. Society is CRYING out for love and intimacy and making all the wrong choices to try get it (sure some statistics prove it – divorces, not sticking through issues in a marriage but bailing etc.). Breaks my heart, because in their pursuit they are getting hurt, emotionally scarred and further and further away from being able to have the true intimacy they are seeking (never mind picking up all sorts of STDs). Press on, Sheila, press on!

    • You are so right! Even if they are making fun of her or shaking her head, these people need to hear TRUTH and know that there is another way. The Truth is powerful and God will use what ever he can :)

  35. First of all her name is “Sinnamon”….*head shaking*…… It really is spelled that way!

    I’m not sure Sheila. I love how you are so brave and so strong in Christ that you can get up and speak so boldly about sex and about so many other issues. I was really upset watching the interview yesterday. I felt very protective of you and I thought they were being mean, mocking you and like he said at the end used you as a ‘punching bag’. They all talk about being open and free blah blah blah but they were so closed minded to what you were saying. The 50 shades interview you did went much better, the host was respectful and they all at least recognized your voice. So I mean I agree with everyone that yes you should continue speaking because you are gifted at it and we NEED a voice and you are very good at what you do. But I don’t blame you if you want to stop, yesterday was weird and ridiculous. I will say though that I don’t want you to keep doing this though if the Huffington Post just wants to make a mockery out of your opinion everytime you are on…. someone needs to say something to that host. He was horrible! We are all praying for you :)

  36. I just got married two months ago, both my husband and I were virgins (I’m 24 and is 23). I started reading your blog just a few months before our wedding and found it so encouraging! At times it helped me to keep steadfast in my commitment to saving sex for marriage because of how you talked about it. I have been a believer all my life and was always committed to saving sex but I am a sinner and have sinful flesh surrounded by a sinful culture, and am easily tempted and persuaded. I won’t say it wasn’t hard and it’s only by the grace of God that we made it. If we hadnt waited and given in, i can tell you i would’ve felt guilty and it would’ve started our marriage on a sour note. But because of encouragement, guidance and prayers we recieved from others, I know that the connection we share now is deeper and fuller than i could’ve ever imagined. I find it hard to communicate to those that didn’t make the choice to wait how wonderful it is without sounding condescending or judgmental. Im thankful for voices like yours that are older and wiser that are speaking out and leading the way, making it easier to talk about sex (the good and bad) both among believers and non-believers. Continue what you’re doing!

  37. On the one hand, you must think, is this what God meant by “pearls before swine,” after all, it FEELS and even APPEARS that you are not doing any good. However, you must also think about the fact that you are not solely (or maybe even at all) ministering to the people doing the webinar with you. You are ministering to the ones that will hear your message. And I would be hard pressed to believe that there wasn’t SOMEONE out there that didn’t cry hearing you speak, someone that wasn’t pierced to the quick and called to repentance. The farmer did not stop throwing out the seeds just because he didn’t know which ones would grow and which ones wouldn’t. He tossed them (into all different types of soil) and a percentage of them were seemingly in vain, but the ones that mattered grew and grew, producing a crop a hundred fold fruitful. Just remember that. And take heart, you are doing wonderful work.

  38. Sheila,

    It seems you’ve been given an incredible opportunity to be a voice for God’s design for sex and marriage. It’s a message that the world sorely needs, even when they don’t want to hear it. In most cases, the Christian side (and the evidence for it) is simply not heard by people. The media almost always either ignores our side completely or gives only a caricature of it. To be able to actually share the other side openly and accurately is a rare opportunity. Don’t waste this chance to give people the truth about sex.

    Of course, you won’t convince the majority (because they have already decided what they want to believe, regardless of the logic and evidence of the other side), but you can have a greater impact than you know. In the case of sex, I think a number of people, especially women, will resonate with your view that sex is inherently emotional and means something more than just physical pleasure. People know this deep down, even if they won’t admit it to themselves. Giving the reasons for this (that sex is designed to build intimacy between a husband and wife who stay together for life) allows people the opportunity to see God’s design and the benefits of His plan. That can be very enlightening.

    Even if no one changes their minds, you will have learned something by developing your arguments in a hostile environment, which can enable you to better equip others to remain strong and to change their culture. Also, God commands us to go into all the world, regardless of the results. The results are up to Him.

    So stand strong and know that there are a number of us out there cheering for you and standing for God’s design for sex. You’re not alone, even if it sometimes feels like it.
    Lindsay Harold recently posted…What it Means to Be Conservative – Part 6: Legal ImmigrationMy Profile

  39. This webinar was sad. Please keep encouraging others in the truth, knowing that so many of us stand with you (even if we aren’t there). We need voices of truth so that more of our daughters (and sons) are not left with so many regrets.
    Amie recently posted…Determining what your kids really wantMy Profile

  40. Oh my goodness, Sheila. Watched the whole thing. You have the patience of Job and the spirit of Barnabas! There were several times when others were talking that I wanted to scream or cry; I couldn’t decide which. You stated your case beautifully, and I do think someone out there will hear your voice.

    Perhaps the worst moment from your detractors was when the former adult film star mentioned that she had delivered many lectures at universities. WHY would she be invited to speak at colleges?!! The Church and marriage advocates have so much work to do in combating the current wrong thinking on this issue. God’s plan is best. Period.

    P.S. You LOOKED fabulous too! :)
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…It’s Raining Men on My BlogMy Profile

  41. As I read your last sentence the first thing that came to mind was Jesus could have asked those same questions. Is what I’m doing pointless, is it really worth it? At that point wouldn’t our world be even more broken than it is now?

    If you continue and you reach that one person who all this time has had the misconception of the emotional power behind sex they can teach their children and you have affected more than that one, it has grown to a whole family and those children will get married. Your faithfulness in this will bear great fruit. Be strong and don’t lose heart, what you are doing is amazing!

  42. Asking if you should be doing these things or if there is no point makes me think of people who decide to not share Christ because they thing the culture or person is a lost cause. We are called to stand up for God and live out His values, even when we stand alone or are mocked. The family unit is falling apart around us and it’s taking the culture along for the ride. As Christians, we need to defend it. We need to try. Even if all our talk only results in seeds being planted, but no fruit going. Standing in the darkness, trying to share some light is difficult, but so critical. PLEASE continue to be that voice. Not many of of get chances that have so much visibility. God has clearly given it to you for a reason.

  43. You win some. You lose some. But we don’t back down when feeling defeated. For that ONE person whose life you might affect, it’s worth every train wreck.
    Mary @ A Productive Endeavor recently posted…Sweet & Sour Chicken and Fried RiceMy Profile

  44. You are amazing! The church – and the rest of the world – needs people who will stand up and talk about the way God intends sex to be. If Christians don’t talk about it, the only voices our children will hear are those of the other people at the talk yesterday. Yikes :-/ God has gifted you in such an amazing way to bless other people’s marriages, sex lives, and walks with Him as you boldly proclaim His Truth. But, goodness knows, it’s hard. Thank you for being faithful!
    Sara recently posted…Give Great Gifts to DadsMy Profile

  45. I watched the webinar yesterday and prayed for you the whole time that the Holy Spirit would be speaking through you to a culture who doesn’t believe a word you say. I was frustrated for you, but I think it’s a good thing that you’ve been doing these webinars. Even if the people your discussing with are countering everything you say, there are tons of people watching online who need to hear your words and your opinions; people who have never heard of you, people who’ve never come across your blog or your books, but hurting people, and people who may be looking for answers and they’ve no idea where to begin. I think if, even one person listening yesterday was positively effected, then it was a good thing. I hope they continue asking you to do them.

  46. Thank you for speaking out on the Christian perspective….. We need more ladies like you to stand up for Christians and to get us to admit that Sex in marriage is fun and it is good and it is blessed….. I feel that the church really needs to step up to the plate on this issue….. May God bless you!

  47. I don’t know if I would have been as brave as you, but I’m glad you did what you did. I’m going to go a little against the grain here and say it really doesn’t matter if “even one person” is changed because of your words. That’s a bonus, of course, but what truly matters is that we keep standing for the Word of God, even in a hostile environment. Any results are a blessing!

    I think our world today is just hostile to God, His Word, and anyone who stands for it. When you’re not uncomfortable in these situations, that’s when you ought to worry.

  48. Just wanted to say that you did a great job, great composure and non judgmental (which I think is so important in a situation like this). I would definitely encourage you to continue, as this is an area of life that Christians are too afraid to speak up about. Remember none of the sexual depravity is a new thing, even if they think they are so enlightened, reading through the Old Testament it’s all been done before! I also was praying for you yesterday!!

  49. Those people on the webcast were ridiculous! . Especially the guy on the phone and they actually listend to him like he has some kind of credentials or something. They are just trying to justify their lifestyles. And where do they get these “Sex Therapists” from anyways?

    Sheila you made some very good points about what studies actually show is the reality. However, I would not do these again if they are not going to have a seriously balanced discussion and stack it against you with 5 to 1. They are just looking for sensationalism.

    However, even though it looks like sensationalism, I bet, there are those watching that need to hear what you had to say. To swing the pendellum back. Good for you! Praying for you too :)
    Ruth recently posted…A Fresh StartMy Profile

  50. I was talking to my husband about this after it happened and I said that I wonder if you’ll do more. I would have a really hard time with it. It seems so pointless. These people don’t seem to actually want your opinion. On the other hand, can you imagine what it would have been like had you not been there? If we stand by and let people say these horrible things without saying anything in the contrary, young people might actually think that it’s true- that sex isn’t about intimacy, that it’s not a big deal, etc. and that this is just the way it is. I guess if given the opportunity, we ought to do it for the people who might be listening….for our youth.

  51. workinprogress says:

    First of all, you did great! Kudos to you for keeping your cool and keeping upbeat. You were a picture of light and joy. It is our job as Christians to proclaim truth, not to convince others to believe that truth… that is the job of the Holy Spirit.
    Here’s why I think it’s so hard for non-believers to grasp the concept of sexual purity. I see sex as a picture of worship. We are called to worship the one true God, to worship Him alone, and to know Him intimately. That is what we are called to do in marriage… to commit our lives to one person and to become one with them… to know them intimately. One who does not understand the concept of surrendering their lives to the worship of one true God is not going to understand the concept of doing that on a human level. A non-believer lives to please self, so to tell them that sex isn’t about them is pretty much like speaking Greek to them.
    Keep speaking truth, but don’t take it personally when people look at you like you’re speaking Greek… cuz to them you are.
    I will say also, that I was encouraged that the moderator didn’t let people interrupt you. He may not have agreed with you, but he allowed you to be heard. Praise God for that!

  52. “And she said that this is what our culture teaches, and we need to teach young people that it doesn’t need to be that way, that you can make sex what you want it to be.”

    As you tried to point out to her, that runs counter to our biology. Not (just) to theology, but to how our bodies were made and function.

    A lot of young women buy into the sex with no strings idea that is being sold today. At first they make it work, sort of, but as time goes on it tends to fall apart. They are violating themselves in what they are doing, and in the process they mess up their ability to have a good relationship, much less decent sex. So many of them end up unhappy, single, alone, and with no interest at all in sex.

    You know who “benefits” from this whole thing? Men, that’s who. Men get no strings sex with a lot of women, which is what some men want, and women get hurt. Why have women not figured this out? They are being used, and women like the ones you were chatting with are promoting that woman hurting lie.

    I don’t get it.
    Paul H. Byerly recently posted…Give yourselfMy Profile

    • They aren’t figuring it out because they’ve been told over and over that women are just like men, that there isn’t any difference. For a feminist to admit that women are more emotional and are hurt by hook-up sex (where men aren’t so much) would be, to them, a betrayal of their sex and a setback to women everywhere. After all, it was those awful chauvinists who thought women couldn’t handle things the way men did and needed to be protected. So they just blindy keep doing what they’re doing, all the while telling themselves that this is what empowerment looks like.
      Lindsay Harold recently posted…What it Means to Be Conservative – Part 6: Legal ImmigrationMy Profile

  53. Sex was created by God and we were commanded by him to become one with our husband(or wife if you’re male). That says enough to me. Sex is the union of two SOULS. Body AND spirit. Of course its emotional, it connects our very deepest, innermost selves. BTW, on day 6 today of 31 days and it has changed my marriage!!! (And our marriage was pretty fantastic to start with so that’s saying something!) THANK YOU!!!

    Please! Keep being a voice for the Christian point of view. We NEED people to speak up for the values that America is leaving by the way side.

  54. I cant watch thr webinaire due to our internet but can imagine what it was like for you. I really admire your courage for doing this, but one scripture comes to mind “do not cast your pearls before swine”. Not sure if it is relevant for you, but I pray the Lord blesses you in whatever path you choose.

  55. OMGoodness….that video literally made me sick. Shelia keep it up!!! You are doing a GREAT work!!! These people are going to wake up one day if they dont’ change their attitudes they will end up lonely and sex will just become an act because just like porn soon you lose the ability to see sex in a person, if you don’t watch out if you are super casual you will stop seeing emotion in sex. And I”m sorry if you see sex as to be like your favorite pair of pants….thats sick. Or as one lady basically said, teens are ashamed of their behavior in sex but they are ashamed of their behavior that led up to it…so their ashamed of their behavior because their ashamed of their behavior.
    Shelia you are no one’s punching bag! When you stand up for what is right no one wants to agree because they want to find something that proves you wrong. Total agreement with you Shelia!!!!

  56. Dear Sheila,

    I think it is awesome that you got invited to both webinars. I just watched them both. I admire you for taking them up on their offer.

    I thought your personal testimony in both was really strong- in the first one where you admitted your prior struggles with erotica, and in the second one about how your husband had helped you through the loss of a child, etc. Your testimony drew me in and I wanted to hear more and it helped me to understand where you are coming from. It is too bad, there wasn’t more time to develop your thoughts, but I know the more you do this, the more powerful you will be.

    I was just reading today about the background of Jesus disciples and followers. He wasn’t afraid to mix it up with some pretty off beat characters.

    Keep up the good work.


  57. With so many people posting such encouraging comments towards speaking the truth, I hope mine can be helpful as well. I think it is so awesome when someone stands up for God when everything is against them! You really don’t need to impress other people, you are impressing our God and giver of love. In this lost world you are an inspiration! My hubby and I have been married for one and a half years now and are in our early twenties; I stumbled upon your website because I follow anyone who speaks the truth and involves their lives with God. Sex is a blushing topic but because of our relationship with the Lord, we acknowledge its design and purpose and it is awesome! It IS so emotional. For both women and MEN! Without the component of emotion, intimacy is simply lust, which ends with consequences. Please keep your desire to teach people about the true way of life. Someone has to plant a seed even if the recipient is still blind.

    Thank you so much for the encouragement!

  58. I think you did a great job as much as they would let you talk … the whole thing just made me so sad.

    A dear friend of mine gave a great illustration/object lesson several years ago at a conference, which you may have seen before with tape ,– two different people put a piece of clear packing tape on their arm, as well as the third who also hold one piece of tape with fingers and not on arm, a fourth holds two pieces of clear tape with her fingertips but not on her arms … then you talk about how if you take the two pieces of tape that have been on an arm and put them together (they clearly have cells on them when you take them off the arms) they are fairly easy to rip apart, if you take one piece of tape that’s been on an arm and one that hasn’t and put them together they are much harder to take apart but it can be done… lastly you take the two pieces left which haven’t been on an arm and put them together — you can not take them apart without shredding, warping and tearing the tape. The point is if you’ve both had multiple sexual encounters sticking together (cleaving) is much harder to do because it’s easy to be separated when things get rough because you have all these spots that don’t adhere , and so forth ….. I think the point applies here too.

  59. Sex without emotional connection is just mutual masturbation. You are using each other as objects to scratch an itch. Not what I want!
    Nickolina recently posted…Sometimes it just hurtsMy Profile

  60. The part that I watched gave me great respect for you. Actually, I was shocked by the viewpoints out there. It made me so sad for them that I ended up turning it off. You did a wonderful job defending what sex truly should be. Thank you for having the courage to stand firm in this culture!

  61. I just watched the whole thing and I am so very proud of you!

  62. oh my Sheila, am watching the video and am shocked and speechless.

    what comes to mind is 2 Tim 4:3 “For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.”

    Isaih 30:10 “They say to the seers, “See no more visions!” and to the prophets, “Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions.”

    May God strengthen you, encourage you and grant you wisdom and strength. You are a big blessing.
    Ngina Otiende recently posted…Finding Emotional BalanceMy Profile

  63. From an influencing a million people point of view, I’d say it is pointless. From a maybe someone out there will actually hear something that makes sense to them, and help them to question/stand up for what they feel or believe, absolutely keep doing them! If I recall correctly your kids said something to the effect of “of course you’re going to look like a fool. That’s what they want.” You’re not foolish, you bring an important alternate view to counter the lines everyone has been sold, but leave so many feeling empty. Even one person standing up and saying “It’s not always like that”, or “That’s not how I feel” can make a world of difference to that person who is floating in the crowd, too silent to do or say anything but feel confused.

  64. Good for you for participating in the webinar, and you better keep doing things like that–there’s an audience there that’s never going to come in contact with your books and more importantly, what’s behind your books (your faith). No, it’s not at all about publicity for you or selling books, it’s about sharing a message to ’empty’ people, planting seeds, that they one day would be filled by the only One who can truly fill them.

  65. Hippie4ever says:

    I haven’t watched the webinar and probably won’t. I’ll tell you what you already know: if God is leading you and directing you to do it, then it is most definitely not a waste of your time. Our culture is so backward in many ways. I fear for my almost 4 yr old son, someone has to stand in the gap and try to turn the tide. I’m not saying you should be our sacrificial lamb, we all should be salt and light. Just go where God leads, that’s all He asks (sometime it feels like a huge mountain)! I’ll be praying for you.

  66. As one who was promiscuous in my teens and twenties and now is married to an incredible man who loves me almost as much as he loves Jesus, I say keep doing them. Take the opportunity to speak Truth to people, especially in the area of marital intimacy. So many people are fed the lies, and if no one is ever telling them anything different, they’ll never know that there is so much more to love and marriage and intimacy and sex! Sure, you might not change the other panelists’ minds, but if you reach just one person with the truth, I’m sure you’d agree it’s worth it! And God will bless your obedience to standing up for what His Word says, especially in an area that is so very important to Him! Keep preaching it, sister, and let God worry about the rest! :)

  67. Hey Sheila I was too lazy to read all of the comments, I apologize for that if someone already said this. I would have to ask you what does God say, where is He leading you?
    All the best,

  68. God has placed you specifically in this place to be a light in a dark world. Thanks! Remember that the darkness doesn’t always understand the light.

  69. I didn’t even watch it and don’t have a chance to right now, but I will.

    I DO think it is important to keep talking about it! What if, in all of the webinars and “train wreck” interviews ONE SINGLE WOMAN comes to realize her immeasurable value in Christ and learn to honor her body as a gift worthy of saving for her husband? To me, that would make it all worthwhile. And also, speaking truth is never the wrong choice.

  70. I haven’t watched it yet because I’m waiting for my kids to leave for school and I’d rather watch it without them, but I want to say keep it up. Even if the other interviewees didn’t agree with you on the interview it doesn’t mean that your words didn’t impact them – they weren’t going to show it if they did. A Christian doesn’t often reap from the seeds they plant, but the important thing is to plant those seeds. And you are very good at what you do. Keep it up.
    Sharon recently posted…Dealing with this Borderliner on FacebookMy Profile

  71. Having watched this now I must say that those people didn’t have a clue what the word casual or intimate mean.
    Sharon recently posted…A New Start and A Clean Slate….My Profile

  72. Sheila,
    I think it is WONDERFUL that you are getting an opportunity to participate in these type of discussions. If you weren’t there imagine what the discussion would have been. I think that many people outside of the Christian community do not even hear this perspective anymore. Imagine all the people out there who have only heard the lie that sex is something casual & something from which you can separate your feelings.

    I think it’s an incredible opportunity to perhaps be the FIRST person some may hear disenting with this view. To be the first voice some people may hear telling them that it DOESN’T have to be this way. That this ISN’T what you have to do like some sort of homework you have to master so that you can have a fulfilling sex life.

    If the stress of participating gets to be too much then of course you could stop participating. But please don’t stop because the people on these panels don’t hear you. They’re not hearing anything beyond their own message. It’s the viewers who are hearing what you say. Even those who don’t like what you say at the time, when they DISCOVER within themselves that sex IS intimate, that they are NOT able to divorce their feelings from the physical experience, perhaps rather than feel like there is something wrong with them, they will remember the things you said & go searching for a better way.

    It’s so prevalent, this worldly attitude about sex. Even to me in the Christian community sometimes it gets difficult not to let it seep into my thinking. Imagine those living in the world. Who else is going to stand up and tell them that it doesn’t have to be that way. And how much better that it be you, who have a healthy attitude about sex being FUN and designed for FUN by God, than someone who is just all out anti-sex.

  73. You are incredibly brave and courageous to venture into these very public forums, voicing what seems to be the minority opinion (at least based on the makeup of the panels). I admire you, and hope you will continue to be this voice, speaking up for what is good, and right, and true.
    Thank you

  74. I was so heartsick watching the video, that I didn’t make it all the way through. My heart breaks for our culture, and what it has become. People need God. Everyday my husband comes into contact with other local farmers who try their best to set him up to fall. They turn on bra infomercials at lunch, or tell my husband “Hey look over there” if there is an inaprropriately dressed female. They do not understand my husbands resolve to not look where he shouldn’t. My family used to tell me (my own parents) that if I wanted to be married I needed to give the guys what they wanted. I would hear a local pator preach about his “One and Only love” His wife, and I would think……I want that…and it would keep me plucking along waiting. Keep it up Shelia!! I love your blog!! And I know you touched someone out there who listened to you and thought…….I want that.

  75. I married my sweetheart when I was 20. We share the same beliefs, and did not “fool around” or have sex at all during our 1 1/2 years of dating. I recently had a conversation with my older, unmarried sister (who does not share my same beliefs) and she told me she thinks i’m “missing out” because i’ve only had the chance to have sex with one guy, before I even know what I really like. I assured her that sex for us IS amazing, and we have plenty of time to practice making sex perfect for each other. I am so so so very grateful we only share that wonderful blessing with each other, and it truly is such an emotional and sacred act, that only husband and wife should do.

  76. I admire you for the work you do! I am certain that was very difficult to speak Gods truth in that environment, but when has God called us to be comfortable in the world? If anything, I think He has called us out to be uncomfortable to bring glory to His name. I truly think you are blessed with being put in positions to speak truth that is rarely even heard in our churches! Even if there was one young girl watching and God was able to impact her heart by your words, it’s worth it! A reason so many girls are seeking multiple partners and ” casual” sex, is because they are seeking out that intimacy their lacking because they don’t have God. Even if they don’t realize it or admit it.

    I am very sadden that so many people believe those lies about sex. I was married at 18 and have only been intimate with my husband and wouldn’t give that away for anything! I had to laugh when the host said that since you had only been with your husband, you must not know what an orgasim is! Its like the worldly default statement because they have no concept of true intimacy! I cannot tell you how many people have been really irked when I’ve said I have an amazing sex life with my hubby who is the only person I have ever been with- they always respond with, well you must just not know what real sex is like! Or you just missed out when you got married early, couldn’t get “experienced” and don’t know what you missed!

    Yeah, I missed out on lots and lots of heart ache and confusion. I can honestly say, sadly, every friend I have, who has had multiple partners, has many emotional scars from it.

    Anyway, I just found it interesting that the host had said that. Keep up the good work! You are improving marriages and lives everywhere! I know your books have improved mine! Currently on the 31 days and love learning how to be even closer to my spouse.

  77. I just watched the podcast. I’m proud of you for standing up for God’s design for sex. I know personally and am saddened by the emptiness that nobody else on the panel seems to know they have. When you said sex is emotional, I’m not sure you know the half of it. Sex always elicts emotions, just not always positive or bonding. I am one such person. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way why God intends sex to be within a committed, lifelong marriage. Please keep trying to reach women before they’re as screwed up as I am.

  78. I thought that it went well. I think that people, like the man who wrote for Bastard Life, are actually supporting Christian principles. He said that the best sex was with an intimate partner, just as God intended. You did a great job! Thank you for sharing the good news, even if it is not welcome!

  79. Wow!! Awesome! Thanks so much!! :)

  80. I just wanted to say that I haven’t read your book yet, but I just bought the e-book on Amazon so I can read it before sending copies to my sisters who recently got engaged :) Thanks for everything you do. I thought I’d gotten rid of a lot of hang-ups in my marriage, but you are continually helping me grow in my sexual relationship with my husband :)
    Natalie recently posted…An Advent inspired reflection on identityMy Profile

  81. The best testimony for Christ, perhaps ever! was the man who said, “This I know, I once was blind, but now I see.” I would say continue to do them. I wouldn’t worry too much about persuading them or having a good argument, but stick with the unarguable fact that your way works. Great post and a great blog.

  82. I just watched the webinar with my wife. We both feel you did great. Keep on doing what you are doing. Be blessed in the Lords work.

  83. Hi Sheila! I read this post because of the link from TGW. I think the message that you were/are sharing is absolutely true and vitally important! I admire your courage to speak it in the face of such opposition. I think it’s going to get harder and harder, and those who live/believe this way will face progressively more ridicule. Yet, as you know and as I know and as everyone else knows who has lived the joy, freedom, and true intimacy of ONE sexual partner, married for life – we have the truth! No one else may believe but that doesn’t stop us from enjoying the benefits of doing this God’s way.
    That said, I don’t think there’s a universal answer for “should I participate in conversations/debates like this?” I think it can be very impactful in some cases and ‘casting pearls before swine’ in others. So keep praying, participating as you feel led, and than writing the truth on your blog, columns, and books for those who are truly interested and not just there for debate.

  84. Sheila, I listened to the whole webcast and frankly it made me sick. The panel just ridiculed you and did not even try to listen to you. God moves in mysterious ways, however, and you may never know how many listeners/viewers WILL be influenced by what you said. What made me really sick were the remarks by the others suggesting that it is good to have many partners. Even though I was not a born again Christian in my teens and twenties I never for one moment ever considered having sex before or outside of marriage. If both spouses are truly trying, with God’s help, to put the other first, then ‘sex’ becomes “love making” and an amazing experience, physically, emotionally and spiritually. After that anything less becomes unthinkable.

  85. Sheila,

    Keep speaking the truth! We need wonderful individuals like yourself out there in the darkest areas to shine the light. Even when a panel is bashing you there is someone in the audience that you are touching. You are planting seeds that will flourish in time and impact marriages.

    Congrates on being asked to do this and do more.

    Tony DiLorenzo | ONE Extraordinary Marriage recently posted…146 – My Marriage is Great But…My Profile

  86. Sheila…I’m rather late to the party but I still want to leave my comment. I think you are very brave for tackling this obviously rolling stone that keeps gathering moss! (or in this case filth!) I applaud your efforts and you must know by now that the Body of Christ is behind you. I wish with all my heart that there were more people like you to speak out…to take the bull by the horns (or in this case Satan) and give it a good shake up with God’s word. In the end, we all know that He is greater and will triumph. It is sad, though that so many young, and not so young, people are lost in this web of lies and darkness. May God bless and empower you to do more for His sake.
    Lisa Maria recently posted…Jesus is the Light that never goes out!My Profile

  87. I know that your position in this discussion wasn’t a comfortable one! That said, I am so thankful that you shared a Biblical view even if those in the segment didn’t agree. You’re planting the seeds! There were many, many people watching this who see that you can have a great sex relationship with ONE person, the person you married! :-)

    A friend of mine who often speaks to ladies and girls about marriage, purity, etc. wrote about an encounter she had with a European doctor. He said, that the media portrays America as very promiscuous (in tv shows and the like). When he came to the States, he was very happy to find out that not EVERYONE lives as the media portrays! (Here’s the link to that blog post: You were taking a Biblical stand in the media! Sure, the argument on the show was definitely tilted towards the left, but at least your voice was heard :-)

    Keep up the good work!!!!!

  88. Sheila, I think you did very well in the Webinar and I think your input is too valuable not to be heard. I think that you may have felt overwhelmed because of the unfamiliar format, but the more you practice this type of debate, the more collected and undeniable you and your points will become. Surprisingly, the open-relationship guy was pretty much on your side for the first half. I think he just got tired of the discussion by the end of it. As the only person who had experienced promiscuity and then decided that sex with his partner was the best thing, despite being “allowed” to have other sex (and not doing it because sex with the person he loved was better), I am surprised that the panel wasn’t more impressed that you and he agreed on that point. None of the other panel members have had that kind of relationship.
    Also, I think the statistics were really good and if you stay familiar with them and keep them at hand, that can be very powerful. When the moderator asked if you ever think about having sex with someone else, I wanted him to understand that you might passively wonder what a rowboat is like while you’re on a yacht, but it doesn’t make you want to jump ship.

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  1. […] really need to thank you all for the kind comments on yesterday’s post about my experience with the Huffington Post webinar. I was completely blown away. I was out of the […]

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