Have a Friend Getting Married? She Needs This!

My anniversary is coming up in just a few short weeks.

I was married December 21, 1991. This anniversary will be our 21st, and I was married when I was 21, so I have now been married for officially half of my life!

But I can tell you that I was completely unprepared for marriage–and for our wedding night.

Before I married I was given a book that was supposed to prepare the bride for the wedding night, but it left me an absolute nervous wreck. I felt like the wedding night was a Pass/Fail thing: either I did everything right, or I messed it up and I’d never get the opportunity back again. And I felt like I had to memorize all of these steps to make sex great the first time out. It was so stressful.

I didn’t really recover for about five years. We got off to a bad start, and it took us a while to really connect intimately on all levels.

I detail our journey in my book, The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, because I wanted to write a book that was the exact opposite of the one I was given. I wanted to write a book that told women that sex is a journey–you may start out with baggage, or with questions, or with trepidation, or with excitement, but it doesn’t matter, because you have decades to get it right! So relax, love your husband, surrender to God, and everything honestly will be okay.

Relax.

That’s my main message.

Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

And did you know that December is a huge marriage month? So I know that many of you will be attending Christmas weddings. Can I ask you to pass on The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex? It’s meant for all married women, and if you’ve been wed for a while, I know it will help you connect spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

But I also believe that if you start your marriage off right–even if your time before your wedding wasn’t stellar–you put yourself on far better footing later. So it’s my prayer that this book will get out to brides everywhere.

I recently received this email from a new bride, and she wrote:

I just recently bought the Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and just had to write and tell you how much I LOVED IT! I’m getting married in 6 weeks and am a virgin- in fact, my first kiss ever will be with my husband on our wedding day! I was browsing the marriage section (as I’ve been doing a lot lately) and came across your book.

The title caught my attention and then I flipped through it and thought “Okay, why not?”, not sure exactly what I was going to find. Oh my goodness! It was exactly what I needed to read! I loved how you explained it from a Biblical point of view and offered God’s design and intention for it and changing your mindset about it. The chapter for virgins was especially helpful- I don’t feel quite so unprepared now. I loved the “good girl hints” too. I couldn’t put it down and have been rereading bits and pieces of it, preparing for the big day. There are hardly any books that deal with this topic in regard to virgins and it was explained in such a way that was comfortable and made sense.

I knew that I had to write you and tell how much the book helped me. I’m going to recommend it to anyone I know that is getting married (even though at 31, I’m the last of my friends to get married. LOL) but recommend it to my friends too. It was so refreshing to read and answered a lot of my questions that I was not about to ask and alleviated my fear and concerns. Can’t wait to try out the hints:x lovestruck.

Thank you again for allowing God to use you and your book.

(Incidentally, I so appreciate emails like that. I save them so that when I’m discouraged I can reread them and God can whisper to me that He is doing things through me!).

If you’re going to a wedding or a shower, don’t forget The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If more marriages started off on good footing, imagine the families, the churches, the communities that would be stronger as a result!

Did your marriage get off to a good start, or a bad start? Let me know in the comments!

Comments

  1. I have had two friends get married recently and I gave them both your book! I plan on giving all new brides I know your book as a shower/wedding gift!

    Neither me nor my husband were virgins when we got married. He had had a fiancé before me and I lost my virginity to him while we were dating. Our wedding night was wonderful but NOT because we were “experienced” but because we both felt so free. We had felt guilt and shame over our past but that night we were completely free to enjoy each other knowing that we were within God’s will. As time goes on it has only gotten better. Married sex is very different from premarital sex. It is so much better because there is no guilt or shame and it’s more than just a physical act. Sex really is MEANT for marriage. It has a special place within marriage…outside of marriage it isn’t the same and only defiles what God created it to be.

  2. I was a virgin, my hubby was not. I was a nervous wreck about it all, but he was super relaxed and reassuring (we had a 3-4 hour drive for our honeymoon destination and talked about it). I wish I had your book before I got married, but we did manage our way through the early years of marriage! :) Thankfully my husband and I had a great time on our honeymoon and have really enjoyed the journey over the years (tomorrow is our 14th anniversary)! He said, “We have our whole lives to get it “right” so we just enjoyed it, mistakes and all!” :)
    Your book will be wedding presents to anyone I know getting married in the future! I love it that much!
    emily recently posted…Still Wheat Free (mostly)My Profile

    • That’s such a great attitude: “we have our whole lives to get it ‘right'”! More people need to embrace that.

      And thanks so much for passing on my book! That makes me feel amazing. So humbled that God can use me like that.

  3. you do one awesome job Sheila….keep up the great job….my wife and i just talked about it and i think we also will pass along yout awesome book to brides we know that are getting married….. my wife is reading your book now and she says it is great and has learned things she has never knew before…. we have been married for 19 years and the sex is getting better with age and experience…
    THANKS FOR ALL YOU ARE DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    James Witter recently posted…LastPass—Why You Should Be Using ItMy Profile

  4. Ok Ladies not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need advice and prayer. I’ll start from the beginning so y’all fully understand my issue. I was a virgin when we got together husband was nt well apparantky I’m super sensitive down there and everyth hurts me including well woman exams plus I have no need for sex I really could do wo for the rest of my life but thru fours of being together we have learn and discovered what is more comfortable for me hubby not always so caring or understanding but it’s better anyway w that said abt a both ago I got yeast infection or Somethg dwn there and know I’m literally freqking and fearful for another one soni haven’t let me my husband touch me dwn there since which is a problem for many reasoning. One the obvious we should b making love and two I desperately want a second child i know it is Satan doing this to me just don’t sure what to do any help would b nice it has me in tears I’m sick of struggling in this area. Thanks and god bless

    • Robin, it sounds like you’re having such a difficult time! Don’t give up hope, because this is not what God intended for you. Sometimes we start to feel shame, and we have these problems and think that sex is for everyone but us, but that’s not true. Your marriage needs intimacy. I’d suggest reading this post about experiencing pain during intercourse and this post about a different way to think about sex. Hope that helps!

    • Robin- I’m sorry that you are going through all of this. Being close to your husband is such a blessing and the Lord wants us to enjoy ourselves. I first would tell you that you need to make sure that you have a complete exam to make sure that you have no problems. There can be so many and some can be difficult to find especially if you are avioding exams. As far as yeast or bladder infections I would recommend that each and every time that you and your husband have sex that before you drink plenty of fluids and make sure that you both have washed your hands. After you are finished make sure that you go to the bathroom. This will wash any germs away. I know it doesn’t seem romantic, but some of us are more sensitive than others. Lastly take your time with your husband and he with you. Don’t put so much pressure on one another. As one of the the other readers stated, “you have your whole life to get it right”. If you want more help finding a good Christian Counselor might be in order. Hope this all helps :)

  5. KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

    Living in the cold tundra of NE Ohio, we rarely get invited to December weddings. In all my life, I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to one and I have a HUGE extended family. The latest wedding I’ve ever attended was Oct 30th. My cousin’s, a Catholic wedding ceremony. Little did the Priest know that my cousin was 6 months pregnant..lol. I did a scripture reading during the Catholic Mass because I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be a Bridesmaid…c’est la vie.

    In May, I’ll have celebrated 14 yrs of marriage. I originally wanted a fall wedding but the venue we were going to use had all it’s Oct dates booked the day we went in to reserve it. So, I decided on May. To us, the date didn’t really matter, we just knew we didn’t want a hot summer wedding in June, July or August and besides our birthdays are in July and August.

  6. Robin, it sounds like you may suffer from vulvodynia or vaginismus. Both can be treated by a pelvic floor specialist, although it takes time. Also, yeast infections or Bacterial Vaginosis can make intercourse very painful for some women. Things like wearing cotton underwear, preferably of a bikini type cut, washing your undies with a splash of bleach, bathing and urinating after intercourse, and never washing your vulva/vagina with anything except plain water can go a LONG way towards helping prevent both! If you’re not 100% interested, you may also be a bit dry, which can really make things hurt, at least for me. Lube, esp. the silicone (way more expensive than water based, but IMHO SO worth it) types, help a ton.
    I’m a low libido person, too, so I feel your frustration with that. I hope this helps, and I’ll be praying for you and your hubby if you would like. :-)

  7. I was a virgin at 35 when we got married, but my husband wasn’t. We did some ‘exploring’ and cuddling while dating for 10 months, and occasionally went a little too far for my conscience (not sex), but my husband was a saint and ‘backed up the train’ a couple of times for me. Each time, a dark cloud came over me, and thank goodness I had a great counselor to help me see the error of our ways. On our wedding night, we had an hour drive to our overnight stay before honeymoon, and I was in tears all the way from the overwhelming joy of the day and the giving I had received after being the ‘giver’ for so many years. We got to our hotel room, relaxed and changed, laid around watching tv, then it just happened. Our honeymoon was great (a few times a day sometimes!) until I got a UTI! But, a day or two later with meds, all was great. Sex gets better every single time, now that we’ve been married 4+ years, even now that we have a toddler! The only thing I wish were a little different is my hubby’s low libido. Having waited so long for this, I often want it more than him, but he never really turns me down (advice from counselor), so it works out. Wish I could go on a national campaign to wait for marriage for sex…so many people are walking around empty and wounded, with deep gauging scars from previous relationships. God Bless!

  8. I’m 21 and my wedding is a mere 9 weeks away! Holy smokes! One of my friends from church saw your book in our Christian book store and took a picture of it. She showed it to me and said it was going to be my wedding gift (as a joke). I bought it the next day and it was so awesome! While it put my mind at ease for the most part, I do still feel pretty nervous. Thank you for the time you put into those pages. You can bet it will bless many women for years to come .God bless.

    • Thanks so much, Kay! I wish you all the best in your life together! Glad you found that my book helped relieve some anxiety; that was one of my big prayers in writing it.

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