Note: Today Christian Momma, Always Learning, and Surrendered Marriage are all participating in the giveaway and blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex. Go visit them to enter to win!
This blog focuses on marriage, and so, tragically, it’s only natural for the subject of pornography to come up. So many of you send me hurting emails about discovering your husband’s porn use. I received an email just yesterday from a woman who has just left her marriage after three years without sex because her husband spent hours on porn every night. This is a horrible evil that is rampaging so many families. We need to take it seriously.
And so I’ve asked Vicki Tiede to join us for a few days, because I thought it’s time we delve into this topic in a bit more detail. Vicki is the author of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, and I’ve read her devotional book, and sent her questions that I know you readers have. Today and tomorrow we’re going to go through those questions, and then on Wifey Wednesday I’m going to do a wrap up myself.
So let’s jump in!
Has your house ever been infested by termites? You don’t notice at first. They gnaw away at the insides, and on the outside everything can look perfect. But it’s not. There’s rot deep within, and eventually that rot is going to become apparent. It can’t hide forever.
Vicki says that’s what porn is like. He may keep it secret, but it rots away at your marriage. It rots at your relationship, it rots at his relationship with God, it rots at your intimacy, and it rots at your sex life.
And so she’s written a book for women who discover their husband’s porn use. She says, “It’s not a handbook for fixing your husband.”Instead, she walks you through Scripture to help you deal with this on an emotional and spiritual level first, and then to help you get in the right frame of mind to take the practical steps that are necessary to protect yourself and your marriage (if possible), and to seek help.
I sent her these questions:
1. When a woman finds out that her husband is using porn, it feels like such a betrayal. Can you talk to our readers and help them understand the nature of this addiction–and that it honestly has nothing to do with their bodies, or their sexual ability in bed?
Let me preface my answer by telling you that my book is about helping the woman experience healing through Christ and I don’t promote myself as an expert on pornography. However, I’ve spoken with many who are experts on this issue and they have explained that pornography is an intimacy issue for both the man who is using pornography and (don’t shoot me) for his wife. Often the husband experienced emotional detachment from one or both parents. As a result, sex addicts have four mistaken core beliefs according to Dr. Patrick Carnes:
1. I am unlovable
2. If someone really knew me they wouldn’t love me
3. No one can meet my needs so I must meet them on my own
4. Sex is my greatest need. (this can come in the form of not wanting sex too–that would be an avoidant attachment style).
The acting out is not about the wife. That means she is not in competition with digitally enhanced images of other women. This is not about her appearance, her sexual availability, or her competence in the bedroom. She does not need to be a size 8, get a tummy tuck, or engage in sexual acts that make her uncomfortable.
Though the acting out is not about the wife, how they share intimacy (emotional connection) is. There is a reason she was attracted to an addict. This reason is different for everyone, so it’s important for a woman to seek counseling to understand what this is for her. Carnes believes wives carry the same mistaken core beliefs as the addict (listed above). They are more neatly packaged though–harder to crack and convince to the wife as she has been majorly betrayed and is wounded deeply/to her core by her spouse. She can always pull the ‘you hurt me’ card, which in reality holds a lot power.
2. You said, “remember that YOU did nothing to drive your husband to pornography.” Is that really true? Because we’ve had a ton of men on this blog commenting that they started using porn because their wives wouldn’t have sex. Is that a cop out?
The sexual availability question is trickier than you might first think. In an extremely small number of cases, I hear a woman admit that she almost never has sex with her husband, so he turns to porn because he’s frustrated. Note: It’s still wrong, so to answer your questions, yes, it’s a cop out. However, Scripture is pretty clear on this one. In such a situation it would appear that both of them have sin issues that need to be addressed. Counseling is probably in order. Answering this question requires me to walk a fine line as those who want her to share the blame for the pornography are going to read this differently than those who want to understand what might be contributing to her choice to withhold intimacy. This is not the subject of my book and therefore I do not spend a great deal of time on the issue. Again, this scenario is very rare. Having said that, on more than one occasion I let my reader know that it’s not biblical to get into a pattern of withholding intimacy from her husband or using the gift God has given her as a means of wreaking vengeance on her husband.
What I usually hear (and research supports this) is that women are more than willing to be intimate with their husbands, but their husband isn’t interested because of the porn. You see, when men regularly engage in porn use, their interest in real relationships decreases and their appetite for more porn increases. In fact, more than 50% of people involved in cybersex eventually lost interest in intimacy with a loved one.
I’m not interested in playing the blame game in my book, so you won’t find me ever pointing fingers at the wife and suggesting that she is equally responsible for the sin. How would that promote healing in the name of Christ? In the end, we are all responsible for our own choices. Whether or not she was as sexually available as she would have liked, he still had a choice.
With that said, I want to share this thought with you and I’m going to quote directly from my book (p. 67) on this one. Before you read this, I want you to know that this comes directly from the chapter that addresses surrendering guilt. When you read this out of context, it may sound like I’m shaming the wife. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
“I hate to break it to you, but you have not been the perfect wife. The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Before you let this revelation get you all worked up, I want you to know that it was unrealistic to assume that you always had to be the perfect wife. There. That feels better, right? However, it doesn’t let you off the hook. You still need to do some constructive self-examination to determine if you have done things to contribute to your husband’s addiction. (Remember, he is still ultimately responsible for the choices he makes. You are not.) If you are being honest with yourself, there are certainly things you may have done that contributed to the problem you are dealing with today. Every time you make a decision to act or react to your husband’s addiction, you are choosing to feed the problem (pornography addiction) or feed the solution (actions that promote healing).”
Sheila says: I so agree with Vicki here! Honestly, I have scads of women who write to me in agony because their husbands never want sex, but they’re into porn all the time. As I said in a comment on a Reader Question post recently, in general, I have found far more marriages are sexless because the husband uses porn, rather than the husband uses porn because the marriage is sexless. This is especially true for younger women. So many women marry guys who have used porn all throughout their childhood. For a few weeks of the marriage they have sex a lot, and then it suddenly comes to a stop, because the guy turns back to porn.
I do believe that a woman can feed a habit (in Vicki’s words) by withholding sex, though this isn’t an excuse for her husband using porn. But I think far more marriages find that sex comes to a standstill because of the husband’s porn use, rather than the sex comes to a standstill so the husband uses porn. Neither are right; but let’s not assume that when the husband uses porn, the wife drove him to it.
Tomorrow: Dealing with Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
Vicki Tiede is the author of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, a step-by-step road to healing for you as well as a game plan for what to do.
She writes: I am an author and speaker who has a passion for opening the Scriptures and pointing women to their true source of grace and faithfulness. For the past ten years, I have been honored to speak for numerous women at conferences, retreats, and women’s events. I am the author of three books including When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography (2012), Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009), and Parenting on Your Knees: Prayers and Practical Guidance for the Preschool Years (coming January 2013). I live in Rochester, Minnesota, with my husband Mike, daughter, and two sons. Visit her on the web.
Sheila says: ladies, this is a HUGE problem in so many marriages, and the women don’t know what to do about it. Can you share this post on Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter? Do it like this: “I know porn is a huge problem in many marriages, and here’s a post that deals with it.” That way it doesn’t look like you’re announcing “my husband uses porn!” You’re just saying, here’s a resource many people need. Thank you!
The Road to Grace
I think a very important question to ask a potential husband is “When was the last time you viewed porn?” Since so many have used it, a woman intending to marry has every right to know if her potential future husband is addicted or how often he views it.
We just mentored a couple and the wife knew beforehand he was using porn. He told her he wasn’t any longer but he is still very addicted two years after getting married. It’s absolutely a struggle for both of them but at least he is confessing it to his wife and my husband and wants accountability.
But young women, make sure you ask, or better yet, have your dad ask him by having a frank discussion with a guy who may be your husband. Your dad can probably tell if he is lying or not.
Lori recently posted..Sunday Inspiration
Completely agree, Lori! I wrote a post a while back about what to do if your fiance is using porn, for those who are in this situation. It’s right here.
Yes, there may be something we wives did/do to help temptation come knocking, but I hate the idea of blame being held over my head and walking in eggshells, terrified that I say or do something that’ll drive him back to s 2 dimensional affair. My hubby dabbled in porn when I was put on pelvic rest and bed rest during the latter part of my pregnancy. He also engaged in an ego boosting friendly attraction to a teenage girl in our church. Despite my pregnancy difficulties, I did my best to be the best wife I could be…loving him, serving him, building friendship, and offering to take care of his sexual needs through other methods than intercourse. So, how do you explain that?
Fact is, men don’t have to seek porn. It is practically handed to them on silver platters these days. And men with phenomenal wives still get in the trap…..and now women are too. Men from all backgrounds, not just those from cruddy childhoods.
This case is worse…..pls help, I use porn. I recently separated from hubby….. I’ve prayed a lot about it but I stll fall. I used it today and I feel totally rotten, sometimes I think I’ve overcome it even after a few weeks and then I go back. Please help me
just wanted to let you know i am praying for you<3
Thank you Sheila for posting this series…it will help those who are having to deal with this issue in their marriage and also for those who may be helping/supporting someone dealing with this issue.
This is a great article. Unfortunately porn is often a hush hush thing in Christian circles and yet so many men struggle with this. I agree that women are not responsible for their husband’s behaviour in a direct manner but I also know that God says we should come together often with our husbands otherwise they will be tempted. And that temptation can come in the form of pornography or an affair. As wives we need to ensure that we meet our husbands needs unselfishly and stop excusing our lack of intimacy with well worn out excuses.
I know there are so many days where intimacy is the last thing on my mind – and then I am reminded of how important it is to them and then all I can do is pray. I pray Lord – help me:) Help me to want intimacy. And guess what, with a little encouragement, it happens. Who knew LOL?
Melanie Grant recently posted..Christmas on a Budget
This an issue that I believe is prevalent in many marriages, both Christian and non-Christian. And certainly the points made about why men do turn to porn are valid. As one who has struggled with this in the past, I would like to say that the reason I chose to indulge porn was in fact because of feeling unloved by my wife, but the reason I choose not to has nothing to do with my wife or marriage. I choose not to based entirely on understanding that Christ died for those sins and I can’t bear to think of adding to that burden. With regard to my wife and porn, i can tell you in a man’s mind in many cases he is NOT doing it to hurt his wife because he feels unloved,at least most men I’ve known. I looked at it as a means to satisfy my needs (which it really doesn’t) without burdening my wife with my insecurities. It is an insidious lie from Satan this “I’m unlovable”. In my case it was not so much that we didn’t have sex as much as my wife simply often was only having sex because I wanted to. This only served to validate in my mind that I was unloved.I want to make it clear I’m not trying to justify myself. I started this to try and explain that even if the wife is holding back sex ,or the marriage is in total shambles it is NOT the cause for porn use, and has little to do with the wife at all.She can affect the level of use (frequency),but it is more about the man’s belief that he is unlovable. Too many wives take this as a person rejection of them rather than the exact opposite. most men going into porn use consider that they are being kind to their wives by not forcing their desires on them. They do not consider that the deceit hurts the emotional intimacy,
“This is a horrible evil that is rampaging so many families. We need to take it seriously.”
Definitely–IMO the church hasn’t even scratched the surface of how bad this is and how deep it runs within the church. Its consequences affect not just marriages, but whole families, Christian leadership and witness, etc.
Thank you for speaking out about this!
Sheila please offer me some advice.
My husband confessed to me earlier on in our relationship, even before we got engaged that he had had a porn problem. He explained that he knew it was an issue but that he was seeing his pastor about it and discussing it regularly with his pastor who was holding him accountable and he was no longer looking at porn.
Up until our wedding, he told me ever so often that he was sticking to that and I believe him – I’ve never caught him out lying about anything else, in fact he can brutally honest about things. We didn’t live together before we got married and he is an IT genius so if he was using porn again, I would never know, even if I checked his computer because he has the technical ability to hide anything from me – I’m above average in my knowedge of computers but his ability with them is off the scale. So basically, there would be no way for me to check up on him if was looking at porn but I do believe him.
I say until the wedding for a reason. Our wedding night was absolutely amazing. He was a virgin and my only experience is with my first husband who I lost 6 years ago and honestly it felt every bit as much of a “first time” as it did on the wedding night with my first husband. Actually for me, it felt even more special because my first husband had done a lot of sleeping around before he became a christian so that took away from the experience a little and he was a selfish lovemaker. My wedding night with my second husband was truly amazing – we were nervous and didn’t exactly know what to do at first but we worked it out.
The whole first weekend was amazing. Then suddenly around the fourth day of our honeymoon, my new husband just went totally cold. I’ve wracked my brain, wondering if there was anything at all I could have done to put him off and I cannot think of a thing. At that stage we hadn’t any disagreements, we’d excitedly explored where we were staying, we’d basically had a really, really nice time. Not a single care in the world, just the two of us, having fun. And then four days in he just went totally cold.
Before we got married, we didn’t have sex, but we did do the normal things couples do – hold hands, hug, kiss. We discussed our expectations of sex same as we discussed our expections of marriage in general like our expectations of finances, whether I’d work or not, where we’d live, how would we run the household, how we’d raise my daughter from my first marriage. We explored everything in candid honest detail about what we expected. The message he gave me about his feelings on sex were he was really attracted to me but doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage (same way I feel) so he won’t act on that attraction but he deeply looked forward to the day when he could act on that attraction and looked forward to lots of times of intimacy. Added to the fact that he was the one always initiating hugging and kissing (not that I didn’t want to, but after a decade with my first husband, it took me over a year to even hold hands with my second husband and even longer to kiss because it just felt so uncomfortable that it wasn’t my first husband I was doing it with – I was worried I was going to feel the same way about the wedding night with my second husband but I saw a christian sex therapist and worked through my issues and was really excited about the wedding night after working with the therapist).
So anyway, I was totally stunned when he suddenly went cold and didn’t want any form of intimacy – not kissing, not hugging and not even holding hands. I admit, I have a high sex drive for a woman. I love sex. Which is why I cannot understand my first husband – I lost him to a sex addiction. He knew he could come home any time of the day or night and I was there for him, but that wasn’t enough for him. He had a mental illness and wouldn’t take his medications and his way of dealing with his low self esteem was to seek out sex with as many women as possible to try and make himself feel lovable. Having the love of one woman who adored him wasn’t enough. Even when he had me, and had three long term mistresses two of which he was “engaged” to at the same time and foolishly honestly believed that they loved him but that still wasn’t enough for him – he kept having casual sex with other women and even men to try and convince himself he was loveable.
his cheating was not why we seperated, we seperated because he bashed our 5 year old daughter in a drug induced psychotic rage, I asked him to move out and stay with family until he could get a rehab place for his drug addiction and mental illness, instead I discovered several days later that he’d moved in with a woman whose husband had just dumped her for her affair with my husband and then after that, his many affairs all came out and while he believed his mistresses were madly in love with him, I knew two of them very well – the other one he had proposed to while still telling me we were happily married had been one of my best friends – I knew all too well from comments the first one had said that she was just using him to try and get pregnant for child support and welfare benefits. When he didn’t impregnate her within a year of him moving in, she dumped him for a younger man she’d started sleeping with long before she dumped him. My former best friend made it very clear to me all she saw in him was his paycheck and that sleeping with married men and convincing them to leave their wives for her was a thrill – that she believed if a guy left his wife to be with her, then it made her “better” than the wife. She also had serious mental health issues, I just didn’t realise how deep until I found out about their affair and found out she’d been telling my husband to bash me and my daughter to try and break us up. And after I found out about their affair, she started threatening physical violence against my daughter. Let me add, the police did nothing about this, and I was originally forced into a shared care arrangement because the courts where I live don’t consider wife bashing to be relevant to child custody, and they consider his attack on our daughter to be a one off occurrence and therefore also irrelevant, they said his illicit drug use was also irrelevant as long as he promises not to use drugs while our daughter was in his care – ignoring that he lied about his drug use in court for two years until he failed a drug use, said he was sorry for lying and promised he wouldn’t lie again, the court ignored the fact that illicit drug users are more dangerous when coming down off drugs then when they are high, or are with the drug he usually uses anyway.
I’ve gone off track a little, but short version is, I am a sensitive person. A few years into my first marriage, my first husband turned violent. I used to do everything he wanted – before he turned violent because I loved him dearly, and after he became violent because I still loved him and because I was scared to do otherwise. The only time I ever withheld sex was two days after I had major surgery, just hours after I got out of hospital and was on complete bed rest and he raped me when I said I physically could not do it. Even after that, when I was hurt and confused, I never withheld sex, I even used to initiate it to show him that I loved him still and forgave him. And within around 6 months, I had emotionally healed enough to actually start enjoying it again. He never knew in those six months I didn’t enjoy it. To this day he doesn’t. But other than one time, I never denied him, and I knew how much he liked sex (and so did I other than that six month period) so I frequently initiated it. But it was never enough and he rejected me for his mistresses. I should have realised something was wrong when he’d get home at night “after work”and never wanted to do it. I also have some evidence he was going to the brothel near his work on his lunchbreak (missing money, receipts I found etc, all point to this). He still denies he cheated on me even though I found dozens of emails to and from one of his mistresses talking about their affair.
So that brings me to my second husband. I went into the marriage believing from what he had said that he was interested in sex as much as I was. The first three days of the honeymoon pointed towards this being the case. Then he suddenly went cold. I wasn’t sure at first his distance from me including sex, so for the first couple of days I kept trying to initiate sex. Sometimes he’d outright reject me (no reason for the rejection, it wasn’t because he was tired because we weren’t doing anything, he never left the hotel room other than to go to the restaurant to eat) and other times he’d participate but I could see he wasn’t interested and a bunch of times he outright said he wasn’t interested but was doing it “just to please” me. I tried explain it to him that him not wanting to do it and his actions making it clear he didn’t want to be doing it wasn’t pleasing at all, it was a bit hurtful for him to be making it clear while doing it that he was hating participating and that it was a horrible chore to him to be doing it.
The second week of our honeymoon I got my period, got second degree sunburn and severe food poisoning and was throwing most of the day every day. I didn’t want him to feel rejected, so despite how sick I was and how much pain I was in, I tried to initiate others forms of intimacy but after doing that once, he spent the next few days rejecting me over and over so I decided to take out time to get better physically – I was really unwell and being a nurse, I know I should have been in hospital for severe dehydration between the burns and vomitting but we were overseas and it was too hard to even find a hospital. Even though I stopped trying to initiate anything sexual, I did still try to be affectionate and hug and hold hands etc, but he rejected that too. I also tried to do activities with him, to bond with him, despite how badly sick I was and he just refused that too. Not because he was worried about me being too sick to – he knows I’m tough and that I really wanted to do things together on our honeymoon to make it memorable – but because he didn’t want to do anything … other than get on his computer.
We had no internet access, but I know he could have porn buried in hidden folders on his computer and there would be no way I could find them no matter how deeply I looked. He would get up and be on his computer all night after I’d fallen asleep – some mornings he was still on his computer when I woke up and I was very sick so I didn’t wake up very early. So he’d have spent 12 hours or more some days on his computer while I slept overnight. I never saw him looking at porn – when I walked past he was always playing games, and I do know how much he loves computer games. it’s his favourite hobby and he plays overnight when he’s really stressed, but there is no logical reason he would be stressed.
the wedding was over, the wedding itself went really well. our only life “problem” is working out me moving in with him which isn’t stressing him at all – I’m the one who has to single handedly pack up a whole house on my own and move a thousand kilometres to where he had to go for his job. he’s not worried about me moving at all – which actually stresses me out that he thinks it’s just an easy thing and that I don’t need his help. he was worried about finances because I’m leaving my job and I haven’t been able to line up another and he’s worried about how he’ll support my daughter and I but I think I’ve shown him over the last year, that I’m not expensive to keep. and even financially worries wouldn’t explain why he suddenly turned cold four days into our honeymoon.
I even considered it might have been because we headed overseas three days into the honeymoon and that was the problem, but he was even colder when we got back. By the time we got back, we hadn’t sex for 10 days (this is only 17 days after we got married) and hadn’t been intimate at all in 8 days and he was heading back home to his new place 1000km away the next day and knew I wouldn’t see him for another four weeks and yet still flat out rejected me.
I’ve tried everything – I always dress nicely around him, I put on nice things that he said on the frst few days of the honeymoon that he really liked to see me in. I was worried it might have been performance worries and i’ve reassured him over and over he’s really good in that way. I’ve told him constantly I love him and think he’s a great husband. but his still has totally shut me out.
If it was going back to looking at porn, why would he suddenly do that in the middle of the honeymoon when everything had been going great, emotionally and sexually? why would he suddenly go back to porn after years of not using it when we weren’t having any problems at all and I was showing him and telling him I loved him and I wanted him sexually and that any time at all he wanted to, I was ready, willing and able (or able to do something intimate even in the second week when actual sex was out).
I admit, by the end of the second week we did start arguing. I tried to gently broach the subject of why he was constantly rejecting me sexually and why he was refusing to spend any time at all with me – he’d just sit in the corner of the room with his computer, sometimes not even acknowledging me when I tried talking to him. He took it as a personal attack and got really angry and threw his computer and walked out. He apologised greatly for throwing the computer but he still gets upset if I try to talk about the fact he is totally not interested in sex despite the fact that we just got married.
We haven’t even got to the point where I’ve been able to ask him if he’s looking at porn again, because no matter how I try to bring up the subject gently and lovingly, he gets angry and accuses me of “attacking” him if I try to raise the issue of him not wanting to have sex. if I started the conversation asking straight up if he was using porn again, he’d take that as a huge attack whether he was or wasnt.
he wasn’t like this before we got married. we could talk about anything openly and he wouldn’t get angry if it was a negative topic. i’ve never seen this side of him and it has been stunned and hurting. maybe I did do something that triggered him to reject sex suddenly but I can’t imagine what. we really weren’t having any problems or disagreements or stress when it started. that all started a week later when I tried to bring up the topic of him spending every waking moment on his computer and refusing to spend any time with me doing anything.
I’m not sure how to fix this. We’ve only been married five weeks and I’m deeply depressed – I had PTSD for years due to the abuse in my first marriage, and had only just gotten over it when I met my second husband, and even though my second husband is nothing like the first and he would never abuse me, the rejection has brought back the PTSD. I’m having panic attacks, flashbacks and crying all the time while my daughter is at school and when she’s asleep at night. I know I’m not ok, but I can’t get into a counsellor before christmas, and after christmas I’m moving interstate to be with my husband and struggling to find a counsellor where he lives. But christmas feels like an eternity away. I’ve spoken to a crisis counsellor but they weren’t much help. they did suggest relationship counselling, but we can’t do that either til after christmas because we’re not in the same state til the day before christmas.
I know we have a serious problem and I don’t know what to do about it. His rejection of sex and even wanting to interact with me I can’t see any other reason other than he went back to porn but even then I don’t know why he’d do that when we were both so happy, whatever triggered it, something is a very serious problem on his side of things. and my PTSD symptoms and having such a severe reaction I know is a very serious problem on my side of things. Right now I don’t know what to do with us being so far apart.
I spoke to one counsellor whose immediate reaction to explaining the problem (this is even before I tried to talk to him and he got mad and we’ve been arguing since) and her first comment was “is he into porn” from the details I gave. I spoke to a second counsellor yesterday, a local one now I’m home, and her only answer was “don’t move to be with him, away from where both your families and support network are, until he’s willing to discuss things” which I don’t see how that will work – how can we properly talk about things if we’re living 1000km apart?
I’m so lost and confused.
Sorry to hear of your difficulties in your marriage (#2 and #1). However, based on what I understand, your current husband isn’t viewing porn, but has a need to find his success and value in the gaming world. As you have found, it’s nearly as emotionally crushing as if he was looking at porn. However, my advice is the same for wives and husbands whose spouse is neglecting relational responsibilities. Help them find out what emotional need he/she is trying to fill (they may not know) and encourage them to learn to have it filled in Christ. Looking at porn, playing online games, working excessively, overeating, watching soaps, etc is a symptom of one trying to determine their value with [insert the activity], when the only “thing” which will satisfy is Christ.
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this, especially when you’ve just gotten married! That must be so, so lonely.
I’m glad you’ve got some counselors around you, though. Did you and your husband do premarital counseling? Because it might be good to go back to the person you did counseling with and explain the situation, and ask them to sit down with you and your husband.
Marriage is a huge adjustment; he could simply be feeling overwhelmed. He has a new wife and a child to look after, too. I don’t think splitting up with him when you haven’t really spent time together is the answer. Often marriage takes a year or two to get into a groove and figure out what you want.
If he has used porn in the past that will still affect him today, even if he’s not using it now. So it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s turning to it again.
I think the most important things for you to do would be to get a mentor couple who can talk to both of you. And then a counselor for you. Find a good church where you’ll be living and get plugged in so you have some help. Have people over for dinner so you get to know some other people and so that you and your husband can start functioning like a family. And keep talking to a counselor or another couple. But don’t assume the worst in him quite yet; I have seen many men suddenly withdraw after marriage because they’re overwhelmed with the new responsibility and the new role and they don’t know what to do. If you’re then starting to have panic attacks, that could easily add to his stress, too. So you’re both in a difficult adjustment right now, and you need to give it time and get some help.
But honestly, think baby steps. Just do little baby steps. Try to find small things you can do to show him that you love him. Figure out his love language. And just act like a family. Don’t worry about whether he’s reciprocating yet or not; you just do small things to show you love him, no strings attached. Start the cycle of goodwill.
So get some help. Show him love. Surround yourself with a positive support system. And pray that God will show both of you how to love each other well.
I wish you all the best, and I’ve said a prayer for you!
Hi Sheila,
He has a good church he goes to. His pastor did our premarital counselling and we’re looking into going back to him. Still faced with the fact that that would mean the earliest we could do counselling would be in five weeks minimum.
We both have the same main love language – words of encouragement. It’s just difficult because it feels like I’m always telling him how great I think in all the different ways I think he is great – especially trying to tell him how good he is sexually on the few occasions we’ve done it. But I desperately crave some reassurance and all I seem to get is the opposite. The only feedback I’ve got is I’m doing a few tiny things wrong but they don’t matter, sex is ok. It’s not really fair because he’s good looking and hot and I’m overweight and ugly, but I wish he could say something that makes me feel like he wants to be with me physically and there isn’t one thing he’s ever said that makes me feel that.
He didn’t even say I was beautiful on our wedding day. I mean, I don’t want him to lie to me and say things he doesn’t think, but I just wish he thought I was beautiful once in a while.
I did briefly tell him about one panic attack when we were trying to talk and it only ended up an argument and my neighbours ended up having a huge domestic with things being smashed and yelling and swearing all through the night. But I haven’t told him how my panic attacks have happened quite a bit. I know he knows I’m depressed but I’m not sure he understands how serious it gets. I take medication for the PTSD but it’s a real struggle at the moment. It’s so hard because he’s the one person who makes me feel better when I’m down and stressed and right now when I’m the most down and stressed since finding out about my first husband and former best friend’s affair and the pair of them started a campaign of stalking that took three years to end, and I can’t turn to him (second husband) because his actions are why I feel so hurt.
I can’t get into a professional myself to talk things over with (been relying on crisis phone counselling when things are really bad) and even though I attend church, I don’t have a regular one ever since the church I attended for 30 years shut down about 18 months ago – I go to different ones with friends but don’t have anyone in a church I feel comfortable talking to.
Such great information and a great resource for people having porn addiction issues. Thanks!
Vantage Point Counseling recently posted..A Secret Life