Let It Go: Losing the Control Freak Inside You


There’s a great scene in the movie Date Night where the married couple, Phil and Claire Foster, played by Steve Carell and Tina Fey, are fighting in the car. Tina Fey’s character explains that she is just so tired, and the only fantasies she really entertains are of checking into a hotel and sipping a Diet Sprite all by herself, with no one to hang off of her. Because all day, everyday, she does laundry, she cleans the house, she gets the kids ready for school, she goes to work, she makes dinner, she gets the kids ready for bed (It’s always a surprise that we have to actually put on pyjamas!), and then she starts all over again. And she’s exhausted.
Steve Carell isn’t really that sympathetic.

“I know you have a lot on your plate, but part of the reason is because you never let me share the load. You have to do everything. You should let me do things sometimes. I might surprise you.”

I think there’s a little bit of Tina Fey in all of us moms. We’re control freaks, and we do run ourselves ragged because we so much want our kids’ lives, and our husband’s life, and the lives of those around us to go well. We have this dream of what things should look like, and we run after that dream, full speed ahead.


Karen Ehman knows what that’s like. I had the privilege of reading an early copy of Karen Ehman’s amazing new book, Let It Go. When she sent the email out asking if anyone of us were interested in taking a look, I jumped at the chance (though I often say no to other such requests) because I knew I needed this. I suffer from major control-freak tendencies.

Do you?

Karen starts the book by recounting a time when she was completely OUT of control. Pregnant with her third child, she suffered horrible nausea all day and was laid out flat. Teens from the church came to clean her house, and instead of feeling grateful, she felt physically ill–even more so than she did before! Can you relate? Do you have a hard time when you CAN’T control things?

She realized what the heart of the matter was: the realization that she was dispensable, and that when she wasn’t in control, she couldn’t get her own way.

We try to control in a myriad of ways: we’re passive aggressive, steering things the way we want them to go. We cover up for everyone’s faults or mistakes. Or we become the drill sergeant, trying to get everyone to fall into line.

But no matter which way you manifest your control freak tendencies, the root cause is the same: if you’re trying to run things, then you’re not trusting God. And seriously, trying to be in control is tiring.

Honestly, though, I’ve read lots of books that say “you just need to trust God more”. It’s a common message, and to tell you the truth, if I can say this without getting blasphemous, sometimes the books bug me. I’m not always certain the author really understands where I’m coming from. I KNOW the answer is that we’ve got to trust God more. Seriously, that’s the answer to just about EVERY problem in our lives. That’s the central issue of humanity. The problem is not that I don’t know I need to trust God more; the problem is that I can’t seem to do it.

And that’s where I found Karen’s book refreshing, because she was sympathetic about why we are the way we are, and she gave some great insights into some of the reasons that we as women have these control freak tendencies. I really enjoyed her section, for instance, on the problems of choice. One of the reasons that things are harder today is simply that we do have so many more choices. We’ve lost simplicity.

And because of that we have the illusion of happiness–a favourite theme of mine when I speak. Because we have so many choices, it naturally follows that if we just make the right ones we’ll be happy. And thus we get all wrapped up in choosing the right things. It was much easier when your choices about work, and childcare, and even what you were going to make for dinner were much more limited. We have the problem of excess.

The book is easy to read, peppered with one-liners. There are exercises at the end of each chapter to help you figure out where you’re at.

I want to leave you with one example of an error that she feels many moms make, and then tell you the three personal takeaways I had from the book.

Take Micromanaging Mama: Does that describe you? You give the child dishes to do, and you focus on the fact that they’re doing it WRONG because they aren’t doing it the way you do. I loved this example of a different way to handle it:

Say to him, “I love how you make chores fun. I wish I were more like you.” And then, at a different time, teach him when YOU’RE doing the dishes why you wash the glasses first and not the pots.

What Karen eventually realized was the Two Plus Two Equals Four lesson:

“I just tell mysef, two plus two equals four. three plus one equals four. Seven minus three equals four.”

They all get to four. They just get there differently! I needed to hear that today.

Here, then, are three quick lessons I learned, that perhaps you need to hear today, too.

1. Giving up control should feel foreign. I think many times I’ve believed that I’ve relinquished control when all I’ve really done is put a smile on my face and tried to be nicer. If it doesn’t feel foreign, it wasn’t real.

2. Second, I do emotionally manipulate my family without realizing it. I’m great at guilt.

3. And third, I have a hard time accepting Keith’s love for me because at heart I’m too busy trying to be in control to settle down and just let him love on me, so to speak. I’m always thinking about what I SHOULD be doing.

I need that Steve Carell lesson.

What about you?

Let. It. Go is a great book which is also available as a DVD study. You can find Karen at www.karenehman.com. Karen is doing a blog tour with her book which is almost wrapping up, and one person who comments during this blog tour is going to win a Kindle Fire! So leave a comment explaining why you have a problem with being a control freak (or how you conquered it) to enter to win.

Comments

  1. Tammy Mason says:

    This book is SO for me. I am actually in counselling for this very same thing. Learning to let go is hard. And yet my husband has said that very same thing…..why would he help and try to do things for me, when he won’t do them right anyway. We really burn our own bridges as moms sometimes, and for me personally, I need to let go of the perfectionism, and allow others into my “space’ to help out so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed. After all, in the end, does it really matter if the pots were washed first? As long as they are clean! And I am learning that I would rather have the help and the “company” than do it all myself and be so miserable afterwards, and resentful, that now no one wants to spend any time with me! Thank you for this lesson and this reminder this morning. What a Christmas gift it would be to receive this book. One that I would remember all year long! Thank you for blessing me this morning.

  2. KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

    I’m not much of a control-freak. I’m like the anti-control freak, lol. I’m only a semi-control freak at work but that’s because of what I do for a living(ICU Nurse) and in that situation, you want your ICU Nurse to be a control freak! LOL!!

    That said, I ordered Karen’s book with my bank’s rewards program and the book should be arriving today! Pretty fast considering I placed the order on Thanksgiving. I look forward to reading it!

  3. I am often burnt out on being in control of every situation, all the time. I’ve had two babies in the past two years and am slowly learning to let go of simple things to maintain my sanity.

  4. Thanks for posting about this! I will definitely be reading this book, as I admit that I am a control freak, even at work. Luckily, I’m slowly learning to give up some of the control, but it takes time. I definitely think this book will help me.

  5. Anonymous Too says:

    I like that reference to getting to the number four. I’ve been having serious trouble letting my kids do more chores. Partly it’s that for safety, they really weren’t allowed to do much; but now that they’re older, I’m still having trouble letting go and letting them learn how to do it. Complete with doing it differently. It makes my stomach turn to watch them do something “wrong” but I had to realize that 1) my multiple years of experience mean I’ve streamlined a lot of things and 2) they’ll get better at doing things the more I let them. But I REALLY need to get over it and let them

    • I’ve been having an issue because my oldest daughter doesn’t fold laundry properly. So I’ve been wondering, do I make an issue out of this? Do I try to teach her how to do it correctly? Or do I let it go?

      The funny thing is I CAN’T FOR THE LIFE OF ME FOLD SHEETS. But she folds them as if they were just out of the package. But she CANNOT fold T-shirts. Funny how her T-shirts bug me, but my sheets don’t. :)

      • Folding laundry is one of the things I’m kind of control-freaky about, but there’s a reason why I fold t-shirts a certain way – no wrinkles! The way my husband folded them when we first met, they always came out of the drawer looking like they’d just been balled up and tossed in. He looks much less unkempt now that I fold his t-shirts, though. :-) My mom was like a drill sergeant when folding laundry. Drove me up the wall when I was a kid, but I see the benefit now. Certain things are just life skills that we should teach our kids.

        By the way, can your daughter teach me how to fold sheets??? LOL
        Melissa recently posted…This Current SeasonMy Profile

      • KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

        My laundry usually just stays in the basket…lol

      • I say let it go- but that is coming from someone who lets her 5 year olds fold the laundry. You have to let go of a lot of compulsions if a 5 yr old is doing it for you. :)
        But out of curiosity, why not just hang the t-shirts up on hangers in the closet?

  6. I’m definitely a control freak. I try not to be obnoxious about it, I have my moments! What keeps me sane through it all is remembering that even if it (chores, etc.) aren’t done how I would have done them, it’s still better than NOBODY doing them, and when it’s “my” turn again, I can do it my way and enjoy that satisfaction. Truth us, there is just too much to be done by one person, so I take all the help I can get from my family and enjoy the heck out of the parts I get to controll!

  7. I am the one that makes the schedule and tries to keep it. This is for my daughter and myself. At one point I had my husband tell me it was MY schedule to be kept and I freaked. The schedule is for us because we have a lot to do in such a little time and if we don’t keep the schedule, we can’t get our walk in and be on time to get on the bus for school. So do you think I like control?

  8. I have been overwhelmed in the last year, having two babies, surgery, etc. My grandmother has been so kind to come and help me out. We do things a bit differently! I have had to bite my tongue and accept that we “all get to four” so to speak. This has been an area where I have struggled and will continue to work on. Thank you for the encouraging post!

  9. When I am in control, I feel better about who I am. I can choose my company (usually the people I get along with), how I spend my time (others don’t dictate it) and where my energy is spent. When life is out of control, my emtions are out of control. Karen’s book seems great. I already let go a little bit this Christmas season from her inspiration with her Christmas challenge. My Christmas tree is now lit with pink, purple and blue lights at the request of my three girls. It’s beautiful and a symbol to me of why I should let go. This book is on my future must read list.

  10. I always feel that people need to get to “4” my way! I am also trying though. I have to remember that my kids are just kids and are learning. Recently I gave my 12 year old the job of doing his own laundry. He took two days to do two loads and did not even get it all in in two loads! I am reminding myself that he is in training (seriously, he’s been doing it for like 4 weeks) and that it takes time to learn!

  11. I didn’t think of myself as a control freak, but my issues become more and more clear with time. Since I’m the stay at home parent, I get used to the way I do things with our kids (one is almost 3, and the other is 7 months). I know all their little quirks and I know the most effective way to get things done. But when Husband is home on the weekends and takes over doing some of those things…oy. I go a little psycho. And we’ve had a lot of fights about it. I can ruin a good weekend like nobody’s business with my control freakiness over the kids. I’m trying – I’m trying SO HARD – to let go and let Husband help me and participate in taking care of the kids. But it’s not a “one and done” thing. I can’t just “give it to God” once and be done with it. It is a day to day, sometimes moment to moment choice.

    On that topic, that drives me crazy too! When people say “Oh, just give it to God!” like it’s sooooo simple. When I was deep in the throes of Post Partum Depression this past spring, I did not talk to ANYONE about it because I simply did not want to hear that. I “gave it to God” ALL THE TIME and I was still completely out of control and in total despair. I did not mention it to anyone until I began taking medication and things got better. Even then, I only told a couple of people very close to me. I waited until I had been on the meds for a few months and had gotten back to normal before starting to be open about it. I even joke about it – “Hey, I get to act crazy – I’m certifiable. I’m on meds!” It gets a laugh. :-)
    Melissa recently posted…This Current SeasonMy Profile

    • Melissa —

      It took me years to realize that advice that comes with the the word “just” included is guaranteed to be useless advice. It may be well-intentioned, but that one word signals that the person (who is “just” trying to help…!) has never been in my situation. If they had, they would know better than to use the word “just”! And since they clearly haven’t, they don’t know the way out and won’t be any help as a guide.

      Love your sense of humor and honesty!
      Cheri Gregory recently posted…The Worst Control-Freak Mistake We Don’t Have to MakeMy Profile

  12. Looking forward to reading this one and applying it…..Thank you Karen!

  13. I have a really big problem with this in regards to my teens…I need to stop enabling them and allow them to make their own mistakes…but I try to jump ahead…I need help!!!
    Sherri J recently posted…Hello world!My Profile

  14. It is tough to let my hubby ‘run’ things in the home because every web site, every ad, every message we get is that it’s the woman’s place and needs a woman’s touch. since my husband is the stay at home parent, I’ve had to let go. our house doesn’t look like the front of a magazine, but he keeps the laundry clean and people fed!

  15. I knew before reading this that I have a type-A take-charge personality, but I wouldn’t have labeled myself as a control freak. However, after reading this, I am definitely a control freak! I use my emotions to manipulate my husband into doing what I want him to do, I get mad if things don’t go my way within our family, church, pretty much anywhere. I will definitely be getting a copy of karens book to help me overcome this issue.

  16. I have quite away to go on this issue. I know I drive everyone in the family crazy! Looking forward to this book!

  17. Hubby wouldn’t fold towels for the longest time. Because, he knew he wouldn’t do it the way I do. and he figured I’d just refold them. I told him many times, I only refold if they don’t fit. That’s my only requirement for the folding of towels, that they fit on the shelf. The last time he folded towels, I pointed out to him… see they fit! I didn’t refold a single one!

    Now, he puts away lots of things, and I hold back on refolding… a lot. Because it really doesn’t matter. I will fix shirts on hangers, ’cause I don’t want to have to iron them. But I decided I WILL NOT redo anything that I don’t have a really good reason for. And “I don’t like how they are folded” isn’t a good reason.
    Rachael recently posted…Is scratch really cheaper?My Profile

  18. As the daughter of a control freak and one who struggles with it herself — I would love to this book! God has taught me so much in this area through my adventures as an Army Wife but he’s not finished with me yet!
    Holly recently posted…“The choices we make ….My Profile

  19. Doris Osgood says:

    This speaks to me a lot as I love the Lord and yet am drowning in activities and commitments to serve Him in all areas that it is sucking the joy right out of life and I go around less than happy that I have all this stuff to do and yet, I feel I cannot let go.
    Calls come to take on more and when you work full time plus and volunteer on all sides already where most weeks do not have a a free night off …. well it just sounds like an excuse instead of a reason to say no.
    When I have let go of stuff before I have been disappointed and feel it reflects on me anyway so it is easier to just do it.
    Thus the downward spiral continues.
    I get bitter inside when friends are in a different place in their life with the luxury time to relax or even get bored filling their time with filler activities (shopping, exercising & visiting family/vacations) and state how busy they are instead of me just focusing on the life God has given me.
    I know better but I still get bitter and tired and I know I am at fault.

  20. I really do need this book. While I still feel controlled by my step mother, and hated it growing up and and still do, I’m finding that I am doing it to my own children now… Correcting every single thing they do, even when helping. I do it to my husband, who really gets beat down by my criticizing. I lost my job last week and find myself getting worse. I’ll be getting it as soon as I can

  21. I am a control freak (aka perfectionist)! I find that trying to control things too much, often makes the circumstances control me!!!

  22. I really need to just trust God with all areas of my life! I KNOW that I can, I just keep allowing my small faith to drift with the waves and listen to the lies of the enemy. How I long for the wisdom and discernment that will help me get back to a place where I trust God will all areas of my life and truly let it go! It’s never been mine to control in the first place!!!

  23. I need this book! Just yesterday as I was decorating the house – yes to my way of looking at decorating, when it hit me. I took my son’s rapid fire attention span to a new level to where he did not participate in the decorating in the past. I went to his room and asked him to come do a couple of decorating tasks for me. He excitedly did and I allowed him to rule the roost on those elements. As I read Karen’s email today I realized how little I’ve let my husband and son participate as they “don’t do things like me.” I think I need help! Will be adding it to my Christmas list and I am sure will read it in a day once I get it. I’m taking the challenge and give up control more this Season.

  24. I started thinking that I wasn’t a control freak, but the more I read about this book the more I realize just how much I feel the need to be in control! I really need to read this book!

  25. Cynthia Murphy says:

    My three boys are teens now, well, 2 are, and I suddenly realized what a disservice I was giving them by not letting them help out! So now I let them do dishes and laundry and clean bathrooms and dust . . . . Yes, it’s not the same as I would do it, and I’ve often had to look the other way and get over my PRIDE in controlling everything! I’m helping them become helpers and to realize all the work that goes into taking care of the gifts you’ve been given. I am looking forward to reading Let It Go!

  26. Robin Still says:

    I am a control freak a I am in need of help. I so need this book. I am realizing that most of my stress in life is because I just don’t let go and let God take over. I also have a hard time asking my children and hubby to help because they never do (fill in the blank) the way I do it or expect it to be done. However, if I never let go they will never learn how to do it. HELP…I so need this one…

    Have a blessed evening!
    Smiles & Blessings,
    Robin :)

    ps-love this blog…I am now going to be a follower….

  27. Why do I have a control freak problem? I have no idea. I just know I have a problem with it. I like to think it’s just that I have high expectations of myself and everyone else, but it all boils down to control freak. I know it’s ruining my children and my relationships with them, but honestly, I am at a loss for how to handle it. I wonder if this book could help me…

  28. Ohhhh I so relate. Most of my post partum issues were because of my need to be in control–and suddenly I wasn’t anymore! Yikes. I still have a hard time settling down and just playing with my kiddo instead of cleaning, making lists, etc… Sounds like a great book! I will definitely check it out.

    • Oh my goodness! We are alike. LOL. If I were to admit it, some if my PPD is partly because of control issues. I feel that I am the only one who can do what needs to be done…correctly. However with baby #2, I have relaxed a little. The meds I am on help as well. My hubby got me this book for Christmas. I am looking forward to reading it! But I am still learning to juggle life with 2 kids!

  29. I’ve been controlling my control freak tendencies by realizing that God is in control not me.

  30. I was a total control freak and as the kids out numbered me I slowly began letting go, what other choice did I have? God only gave me two hands! I would love to read Karen’s book!!

  31. I am very much a control freak! The problem is that I have four children, with each birth I’ve had to let go of more and more just to survive. No the guilt has set in. Guilty that I’m not doing things the way I used to or that I want to. Mind you most of the want to’s are not have to’s so I should let them go. It’s a vicious cycle! I’m excited to look for this book. Thanks for reviewing it!

  32. Yes, I must say that I have had the problem with being a control freak because I tend to not want to completely “let go”. My husband is the head but at times I have struggled with that very thing… I use to be a single mother and going from being the “head” when I was single to being “helpmeet” now that I am remarried, it was hard at first! LOL But I am doing a lot better now, yet it is still a struggle at times.
    Mystiqua Kimble recently posted…Style & Beauty Segment: Makeup Haul!My Profile

  33. oh, this is so me!!!! I hardly started reading your post and knew it was a book I wanna read!! My eyes were opened to this when I got really sick with lyme and couldn’t clean my own house, meals were being brought in and it was so hard to accept it all. I felt so useless and made me realize I do thing way too much on my own and I have to do it!! I am slowly letting go of perfection… but it is hard. So many places/books/etc say the pat answers… this sounds like more hope!!

  34. We’re just starting out on building our family….expecting our first on the 4th of July! But being a control freak already, I can tell this is an area I’m going to need to grow in as a mom. It will make for better kids and a happier home!

  35. Thanks for the opportunity to get this book.

  36. I am a control freak. I know that I micro manage my children’s lives and that’s one of the reasons I have so much trouble with discipline. I need this book!

  37. I don’t need a membership to this club of control freaks – I could run for president!! I am always doing everything myself, because I can do it correctly and quickly… then I explode when I see everyone relaxing and doing their own thing, not even asking if they can help, probably because they know they can’t do it without criticism…ugh…

    This book is for me! Thanks Sheila for sharing it !!

  38. Looks like one I could read and make some changes.

  39. I grew up with a control freak for a stepmother. I made my bed, she remade it, so I wondered why she made me do it in the first place. The Christmas tree and decorations had to be just so, which made me hate Christmas as a kid. Now, I am a definite type A but I try to channel those tendencies in ways that make our lives easier – like early Christmas shopping for example. My kids make their own beds, put away their own laundry without folding it at all, dust, and my oldest (age 7) cleans one of the bathrooms. I do not redo any of these even when they aren’t perfect (which is akways). Age appropriate expectations make more sense to me and it’s more important for them to learn these skills than for my house to be perfect.

  40. I am a total type A control freak! I am very guilty of manipulating my family to do what “I” see is “best.” I would love to read this book!! Esp on a Kindle fire! :)

  41. I really need to read this book. My kids are too young to do many chores, but I hate how my husband does things, and he hates how I criticize everything he does to “help.” I love the comparison to 2 + 2 = 4 but so does 3 + 1 . Doesn’t matter how you get there. That is exactly what I need to learn to accept. Thanks for sharing this!

  42. I would so love to read this book!
    A Nest in the Rocks recently posted…GratiTuesday – Thanksgiving BingoMy Profile

  43. Ok – I avoided reading your article for a whole day – because I had a big blow -up with my husband on the weekend and I think maybe – just a little little I was being a control freak about something – BUT you have to understand my husband he was to do this thing months ago and now he has less than 3 weeks to do it – he is a chronic procrastinator – and dont know it.
    I am feeling burnt out though cause things are to be done in and around the house and it always seems I am the only one doing it – I argue with my sister about the fact that she still does some things for her 14 y -o daughter because she feels it’s not being done properly. I guess that kind of thing runs in the family because my mother is STILL a control freak. This vicious cycle must end. HELP ME LORD!
    It’s amazing how I can let go the issues of my home-business to God and yet little things, everyday things I still try to control.
    Thanks for this Shiela I have much to think about and pray about – I will look out for that book.

  44. I have read several reviews of this book and want it! Dads tend to do things differently and often not on the timetable we want them to. I am just as guilty of trying to control and quite honestly almost lost my marriage to it. My dear patient husband laid down the line and I had a choice. Choose to trust him or leave. Trusting my husband means I have to trust God. God tells us to honor our husbands and when we treat them more like children than men we are not showing honor! God is the one in control no matter how much we want it. God is to lead your husband and your husband to lead you. Even when the husband doesn’t lead the way we want him too. Most things we fret about have nothing to do with eternity! The dishes not getting done, or house not getting fixed will not send someone to hell or destroy their walk with God but nagging, angry wives can do the same. God say’s we should not be in the house at all!
    I can attest that when we Let it Go and give it to God truly the house doesn’t crumble around us and we will find peace beyond understanding… (phil 4:6-7)
    Thanks Shelia for a great post!

  45. I need to be less controlling with my almost adult children. I need to let go and let them start making some of their decisions, so when they become responsible adults.

  46. I would benefit from this book as well because I definitely struggle with control issues. Granted, it’s not as bad as it use to be since I married my current husband who makes me feel safe enough to give him control. However, it’s still a major issue.
    Crystal Green recently posted…Excitement and WishesMy Profile

  47. Thanks for posting about this! I definitely need to read this book, because I am a control freak. I have learned to let the control go in some areas but I notice that as I did that I tried to get a tighter hold on other areas.

  48. I still struggle with controlling I am better but not there yet. The book sounds like a winner.

  49. It’s usually cooking an cleaning for me. When cooking with raw meat I feel like I’m the only one who really knows how to cook with it without splattering it all over, and I’m the only one who know how to clean up ‘properly’ after it. I don’t even feel like my husband can clean it ‘right’. I really hate being this way. I’m going to have to read this book and see if it helps at all. Thanks. :)
    JoAnn recently posted…Our Thanksgiving day and nightMy Profile

  50. I’m not a control freak — until I have to watch my husband do something that I do all the time, and know the RIGHT way to do it! ;)
    Jana recently posted…Homemade olive oil butter spreadMy Profile

  51. Julie Duckworth says:

    I never have thought of myself as a control freak until I read this blog and I AM!!! I try to “fix” everything and everyone around me to do it my way because I feel I am always right. From how the dishes go in the dishwasher to how lunch is made to how you are supposed to react to people. I need freedom! Looking forward to reading this book

  52. I’d say this is the root of ALL my problems, being a control freak. When I was young my family was in turmoil and I could control none of it so I ate to be in control of something. When I became a teen I DIDN’T eat…to CONTROL SOMETHING. As a young married woman I took control of our finances, of our household duties, of where my husband worked and what he studied (although it was discussed between us and he was always willing to help out I’m being brutally honest here and I always get my way). For the past several years our lives have been spiraling out of control. My health has been horrible, my husbands businesses failed and the guilt has been overwhelming because I feel like if I had done better, had more control, we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in. I’m going to jump to Karen’s website, stat, and pick up a copy of this book!!

  53. Thank you for sharing your insight on the matter of control. I so need to read this book!

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