Wifey Wednesday: How Men and Women Think Differently About Sex

Christian Marriage Advice

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below, or leave a comment on the topic at hand.

Rather than write a big post today, I thought I’d post this video that I just uploaded of me talking about how for women, sex is primarily in our heads.

The moral here? I’ve presented the NEGATIVE side of it: when we’re distracted, or when we have a negative view of sex, then sex is unlikely to feel good.

But there’s also a POSITIVE side: think good thoughts about sex, and deliberately, throughout the day, think about how great it’s going to be, and your body will likely follow.

We need to start thinking more positively about our husbands and about making love, rather than just hoping that mood strikes us. For us our sex drives are primarily in our heads, so use that to your advantage! Sure, there’s a downside to it–it can be harder to get aroused. But the upside is that when we do anticipate and when we do think positively, things can go very well.

So work on your friendship so you feel close to your husband. Go for walks so you can talk and get all of your distractions out. Be vulnerable with him and share some deep things that are on your heart. All of that helps us feel more positively about him.

And then look forward to making love tonight! That can make all the difference in the world.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in the linky below, or leave a comment!

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  1. Stephanie says:

    So funny, Sheila! I am the higher drive spouse here and my husband is not into sex if he does not feel good, but it is SO true for me about my head being in the game and the fact that hubby can do the same thing and all of a sudden, my body does not react the same.

  2. It’s true that I have to get my head involved to enjoy myself during sex. However, my husband is a little different in that it is more in his head than for most guys (from what I’ve read about other guys, anyway). So we both have to concentrate and focus on each other. He also likes me to say things to encourage him and that helps both of us focus.
    Lindsay Harold recently posted…Demolishing Pro-Choice ArgumentsMy Profile

    • Lindsay, it’s good that you know that about each other! And honestly, I’m not sure that your husband is that strange at all. I think there’s a big difference between men being able to perform and enjoy sex and men being able to feel intimate during sex. For many men the former is easy, but the latter is not. And the latter is actually more important (and actually makes sex feel better physically, too). So if men can take the time and actually concentrate on their wives and on what’s going on, they’ll have a better time, too!

  3. Haven’t had a change to see the whole video, the internet is making it slow and the kids want attention, but I just wanted to tell you that your dress is FABULOUS!!

  4. This is so true – great advice. I wish I had understood this in the early years of my marriage. Even now that I understand it, I have to continually remind myself to to it!
    Gaye @ Calm.Healthy.Sexy. recently posted…Live Calmer – Use a “Little Annoying Tasks” List to Get Things Done!My Profile

  5. Since I have started very seriously trying to live out Eph5:25-33 I have found that love making is much more thrilling and fulfilling. I concentrate fully on my wife and try to sense her needs throughout the roughly 40 minutes it all takes and my enjoyment just follows naturally. I feel truly ‘one flesh’ with her physically, emotionally and spiritually. I admit that I still struggle, though, if I am unable to lead her to her climax, I feel that I have failed her.

    • I think that’s a pretty common feeling. My husband certainly does everything in his power. I don’t know about your wife but *I* don’t feel like he has failed me, not even close, even if there’s no grand finale for me. As we’ve gotten better at it though that’s not very often. Try to let yourself off the hook– if she feels like you’re beating yourself up over it then she could tense up and have too much pressure attached to climaxing. That’s just counter-productive. Just encourage her to take it slow and do what feels good for her and the rest will follow.

      • Thank you, Amber.

        That has encouraged me. I have to say that my wife always says she enjoyed it and had fun anyway, but my climax gives me so much enjoyment I just want her to have the same pleasure.

      • The problem arises when she tells you that “I think that you wanting me to have an orgasm when we have sex is you wanting to put ticks on a score sheet so that you can say how great a oover you are and it’s nothing to do with me. I’m just not a passionate sort of a person. I do not want to have an orgasm when we have sex. I’m happy just as things are.”

        When your wife basically tells you she simply wants you to get her sufficiently tumescent that penetration does not hurt and to get it over with as quickly as possible without her getting any more aroused, then as a man you know that you’ve totally failed.
        UK Fred recently posted…Jimmy Savile and the BBCMy Profile

        • I don’t think that’s the case most of the time. Most people will have times where they won’t orgasm – even men. The point is that an orgasm isn’t the whole point of marital sex. Intimacy is. Orgasms are amazing; but being close to one another, experiencing that oneness, is more important. And sex can feel incredible and be highly pleasurable and intimate even if you don’t achieve an actual orgasm. Amber is right, if you place too much emphasis on orgasm, and express disappointment when your spouse doesn’t have an orgasm, they’re likely to become so stressed out thinking that they’re disappointing you that their chances of having an orgasm will be sabotaged.
          Jenny recently posted…Preparing for intimacy: putting ourselves in the right frame of mind.My Profile

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