This week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re joining three bloggy friends to talk about how to Revive Your Marriage! And our topic for the week is our attitude.
Yesterday I wrote about how we need to let things go that we can’t change.
But today I want to reprint one of my hardest hitting posts, that I think speaks directly to this. I first wrote this two years ago, but many of you new readers haven’t seen it.
WARNING: It may tick you off.
But please read! Here goes:
About a year or so ago my husband and I were just overwhelmed with busy-ness. I was speaking a lot, and he was working a lot, and we weren’t connecting. Two nights in a row we didn’t make love because I was preoccupied. Then I was away speaking. When I came home it was the middle of the night and we didn’t, either. The next night I was still tired, but neither of us slept well because both of us were feeling that something was wrong in our relationship. The next night we did.
And then he bought me flowers.
Sex flowers.
I got mad. I interpreted it like this: “My husband wants sex too much, so he’ll reward me when we make love, and punish me when we don’t. He’ll be distant when we don’t make love deliberately so that I will start putting out.” And I got really frustrated.
And then it hit me: maybe the reason Keith bought me flowers was simply because he felt closer to me and lovey towards me. I thought what was going through his brain was this:
“I need to manipulate my wife into doing what I want.”
What was really going through his head was this:
“I love my wife. I think I’ll buy her flowers.”
You see, my friends, men are really quite simple. They need two things: respect and sex. Just two things. Respect can be more easily defined as both affirmation and appreciation. When we affirm what they do and show them appreciation, they feel ten feet tall. When we make love to them, we affirm their manhood and they feel loved. And when they feel loved, they tend to feel less antsy, more compassionate, and more eager to keep pleasing us because they feel like the relationship is something they do well. (Now, I know some of you are married to men who don’t WANT to make love, and that’s a different problem. If you’re facing that one, I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote here).
Men tend to want to put in effort in areas they feel they are good at. That’s why if a man feels he’s lousy at marriage he’ll start working more, or playing on the computer more. He retreats to areas of competence. Make your man feel incompetent and irrelevant, and he’ll retreat. It’s as simple as that.
Now, of course, some men are louts, and it doesn’t matter how much we try to please them, they’re going to retreat and be insensitive. Absolutely. But I think the number of honest to goodness natural louts is far fewer than the number of men who currently ACT like louts. I think many men act like louts because that is how they have been treated.
Too many of us have virtually no respect for what a husband really needs, but we have unlimited respect for our own needs. And we’re not only hurting our husbands–we’re hurting ourselves.
Let me talk about another couple that’s been married for 35 years now. I watch them every now and then, and while I know they’re not splitting up, I don’t see a lot of tenderness. She snipes at him and criticizes him every chance she gets, and he bristles and walks out of the room. Every now and then he retaliates, but not often. She isn’t showing him that she appreciates him; she’s showing him that she doesn’t think he’s good enough. He’s always wrong. And it’s no wonder that he doesn’t act tenderly towards her!
If you take that same couple at year one of their marriage instead of year thirty-five, though, and his wife started thanking him for his contribution, and asking about his day, and making love to him with relative frequency, and respecting his opinion, I bet at thirty-five years they’d be a lot more affectionate and a lot more tender.
Men really aren’t complicated. Do those two things: appreciate him and make love frequently, and you’ll likely find that he starts being nicer to the kids. He helps with the dishes. He phones if he’s going to be late. He feels competent and appreciated, and he wants to keep excelling in the family sphere because it’s something he does well. Make him feel like he’s not doing it well, and he will start to wither.
Why can’t we just give to our men this way? Because we don’t work that way. Remember the book “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Kevin Leman? I know it was written by a man, because only a man would think the sexual relationship was that straightforward. He’s thinking the way men do, and then reversing the equation. When a man gets his primary needs met, he tends to reach out and start meeting a woman’s needs. So Leman assumes that women act the same way: when we get our need for affection met, and when he starts helping around the house and caring about us, we’ll start to make love more.
It’s not true.
I’ve known many men who are saints at home and their wives aren’t helping at all, because we tend to question men’s motivations. We think either that they’re trying to manipulate us, or we come up with other things they’re doing wrong. Or, perhaps even more likely, we think to ourselves: “I’m glad he cares about me, because I work really hard. I need to take a break now so he can carry more of the load”, and we don’t think of returning the favour much at all.
We women are far too focused on what is “right” and what is “fair“. We’re asking ourselves, how much did he care for the kids today? How much housework did he do? Did he let me talk? Did he care? And if the answer is no in any of these areas, we tend to hold it as our right to pull back from him until he improves.
We don’t tend to feel all lovey dovey towards him when he does something right. We don’t feel ten feet tall when he does the dishes or takes care of the kids. We simply think, “that’s what he should have been doing anyway”.
So the adage, “meet your spouse’s needs, and they’ll meet yours” has much more of a chance of working for women than it does for men. If you put yourself out and really show him appreciation and make love, he will, more than likely, become a different person over time. On the other hand, if he does the same thing, there is no guarantee that you will change, because we don’t work the same way. What he needs is the affirmation that he receives through sex, and so many of us are so focused on being exhausted and not having time that we don’t think that maybe, just maybe, we should consider his needs for a second. In our way of thinking, our husbands often impede on our ability to enjoy our life, what with all their demands, and frankly, they’re far too much like animals, anyway.
And then women wonder why, fifteen years into marriage, their husband seems so distant and so insensitive.
Is it women’s fault if men don’t care about our feelings? If they don’t help with the kids? No, it’s not, because men are morally obligated to do these things anyway, whether or not we return the favour. But here’s the thing: just because you can’t be morally blamed for it does not mean that you could not have taken steps to make your marriage better.
Women, we have it so easy. We honestly have an easier deal with marriage than men do because men are so relatively simple (and I don’t mean this in a derogatory way; we’re just made differently). Give them appreciation and make love, and they will feel tenderly towards us. We, on the other hand, are far more complex, and we’re not easy to figure out. Men actually have it harder.
I know this isn’t popular to say. I know a lot of you are mad at me right now, and thinking what an idiot your husband is, and how I’m blaming you for not having sex with an idiot. I don’t walk in your shoes, and it could be that your husband really is that horrible. But then, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you marry him?
When you were dating, he probably was nice to you, and that was probably because he did feel ten feet tall. You appreciated him. You affirmed him. You “made out” with him and seemed so hot for him! Then you got married and he didn’t feel like he had to woo you, but you also stopped with your affection, too. The difference is that you justify your behaviour; he often doesn’t notice his. And as the months and years pass, your relationship takes on a different dynamic. Maybe the problem is not your husband, but the dynamic of your relationship.
You saw something nice in your husband once. I believe those attractive qualities can come out again. So, please, ladies, even if you don’t believe what I’m saying, can I ask you to suspend your disbelief and try an experiment?
Instead of thinking about how your husband wants sex too much, commit for six weeks (it has to be a long enough period of time) to do the following things:
1. Thank your husband once a day for something (try to make it something different each time)
2. Compliment your husband to your mother, your children, your friends, whatever, within earshot of your husband, every chance you get.
3. Do not nag.
4. Do not give the silent treatment.
5. Make love with relative frequency (say at least 2-3 times a week).
Good Girls Have More Fun!
At the end of six weeks, see if you feel differently towards your husband, and if he is acting differently towards you. I bet you will! Just the act of being nice to him will make you start thinking more nicely about him.
And as you make love more frequently, you will feel closer to him and you’ll feel more goodwill, too. Maybe that’s hard for you because you honestly don’t enjoy sex. If that’s the case, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has great info in a fun way that can help you turn it around! If you don’t like sex, it’s really worth trying to tackle the problem, because it will help your marriage so much!
I know you may not believe me, but so many marriages would be saved if we women would just learn how to love our men.
Will you try?
Thank you for sharing this article, Sheila. I’m here to tell readers, honestly, this works! I don’t know exactly where I figured it out – church, or Shelia, or 5 Love Languages, but once I started realizing that for many men sex IS communication, and that respect, like I had given him in our early days, really helped him – a lot, things changed massively. So I bit my lip when I wanted to criticized, made love when I was tired, gave him encouragement and respect, thanked him for things, and fessed up quick when I started an argument, things really changed. When I think of all he has done and let me do, his support – it’s tremendous, and it all came with me giving precedence to the “two things men want”. Great article.
Gina B recently posted..Are You Soft or Strong?
I can totally see why some women would be mad at this, but personally, I thought it was awesome.
Elizabeth@Warrior Wives recently posted..The Future of Sex: Advice From an Older Woman
I concur! And I’m in! Six weeks of smiles and sex… Can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want that!
-Raj
Great article Sheila. You hit the nail right on the head about men. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy to sum up a woman. Oh well, keeps life interesting.
Your viewpoint on “meet your spouse’s needs and they’ll meet yours is different than any I’ve heard before. I’ve always taken the viewpoint that women were followers, and have used that line with men. I guess I’ll have to change my tactics a bit. Keep on posting. You’ve got a lot of insight and wisdom about both men and women.
Rich Murphy recently posted..Make Yourself Available to Talk
What if you married because you loved to talk and spend time with your husband but had no sexual chemistry from the get-go. It was drilled into me as a teen that one should marry for love (someone you can grow old with) and not for lust (one who makes your heartbeat speed up and wet your panties). I did that (married for love & not lust) and now I simply do not have the sexual urges nor desire to sustain my husband’s sexual needs. Everything in our marriage is great except our romantic/sex life. I had NO IDEA sex was so important in a marriage….nobody ever told me! Seriously!! As stupid as I know that sounds, I simply never knew it til I was married ~ and now I’m probably making my poor husband miserable. I have never had the sexual desires that other women seem to possess, either (have had tests to see why I have a low libido with no results). So, do I just need to act like I’m enjoying it for the rest of my life and put his needs first regardless of my own feelings?
That’s a tough one, but I honestly think many women go through this. I get so many emails from women who aren’t attracted to their husbands–maybe their husbands have gained weight, or they just aren’t that fit, or whatever it may be. There isn’t a lot of “chemistry”.
I talk about this a lot in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but honestly, I think the best thing is to focus on friendship and real spiritual intimacy. When you feel close to him, you’re more likely to enjoy making love. And then really learn how to feel great while you make love! You may not be that attracted to him, but that doesn’t mean that the two of you, together, can’t learn how to make it feel amazing for you. Again, I have more in the book, but you may want to start with this post and this post. You have a guy who loves you and with whom you have a great friendship. So you can communicate. So why not concentrate on how to communicate what you like about sex? Even if you’re not sure what you like, make it into a research project you do together where you teach him what feels nice. We don’t have to be married to a guy who makes us melt just by looking at us to feel great in bed. We can learn how to touch each other, and how to feel close to each other. And so I’d start there, and I hope that helps!
I hope this doesn’t seem silly – I have no advice in general, but have you had your thyroid thoroughly checked? Hypothyroidsim/Hashimoto’s can cause women to have low libido and after dealing with a thyroid disorder, I think SO many women deal with this from a young age.
Yes, I have had my thyroid checked among other things ~ everything looks fine.
It was drilled into me as a teen that one should marry for love (someone you can grow old with) and not for lust (one who makes your heartbeat speed up and wet your panties)
My question (which perhaps you will NOT want to answer here), is: Did ANY of the men you knew or dated, “makes your heartbeat speed up etc etc….?” Because the fact that you phrase it that way, suggests to me that you had that sort of erotic rush for SOMEOBODY, somewhere — just not for him.
In that case… send your husband to the Married Man’s Sex Life (Athol Kay) website. Because you’re describing your husband as a classic “beta provider”, and in order to get you horny, he needs a little more “Alpha” behavior traits. O suggest that you do NOT go to Married Man’s Sex Life yourself. Athol’s techniques will work better on you if you DON’T know what your husband is doing. Just get HIM to go there.
On the other hand, if you’ve NEVER had that erotic rush, for ANYONE….the issue may be medical. Low thyroid is one of many possibilities. Ask your doctor if you should avoid all soy, if your hormones are off.
You are correct in your assumption about my having a prior sweetheart (we’ll call him “Romeo”) who “cranked my engine”. Unfortunately, “Romeo” was lacking in a lot of areas (ie couldn’t hold a job, not trust-worthy, immature, etc). Everything about HIM was wrong EXCEPT how he made me feel about myself and as a woman. I felt desired with him. After letting “Romeo” go, I met “Beta Provider” and had a totally different relationship (one built on wonderful conversation, trust, friendship, and respect) and married him after a year and a half courtship ~ deciding that lust is not important…he had the qualities I need for a good marriage (or so I thought). Unfortunately, my husband is EVERYTHING “Romeo” wasn’t EXCEPT having the ability to make me feel desired and sexy. Go figure. I married an awesome man and thank God everyday for him and to help me make him as happy as he/we can be. I will ask my hubby to check into the Married Man’s Sex Life website…thank you for your help!!
You are correct in your assumption about my having a prior sweetheart (we’ll call him “Romeo”) who “cranked my engine”. Unfortunately, “Romeo” was lacking in a lot of areas (ie couldn’t hold a job, not trust-worthy, immature, etc).
Of course. Romeo was a rare “natural Alpha”, who had just the rlght looks, pheromones, attitude, or whatever, that he could get all the female attention he wanted WITHOUT holding a job, being trustworthy, maturing, etc. Natural Alphas seldom achieve much in life, because they don’t need to. A little more on Alphas… see my post on this thread:
http://alphagameplan.blogspot.com/2011/03/socio-sexual-hierarchy.html?showComment=1347297571523#c7725256496343608248
BTW… clear your history, clear your caches, and learn how to delete index.dat files — make sure your husband NEVER NEVER NEVER sees THIS thread. He cannot know that you have no desire for him. Let him learn to “Alpha up” at Athol Kay’s site, then most likely you’ll find yourself drawn to him in a way that you never were before, and problem solved. But if he sees your post and recognizes himself, before he’s had a chance to make the transformation, it will DESTROY him… and make him hate you with all his heart. (Especially if you actually had sex with your old “Romeo”.) Hence you need to hide your cybertracks.
The comments about your husband needing to increase his “alpha” level are good. Another factor is that some women do not usually have desire for sex until after they are aroused. A man usually desires sex and gets aroused and initiates sex. But many women do not feel sexual desire until foreplay is well underway and they become aroused through foreplay. My wife only feels spontaneous desire (where she desires sex before either of us initiates anything) about once a year. The rest of the time she gets turned on only after seeing me turned on and wanting her.
This all hits the nail on the head for me. It does not make me mad AT ALL, I fully agree and believe it myself. It is just what I need to do, but keep failing (because it is so hard – and I know that is not a good excuse). I will give it a go for a couple/few days (the committing to do those things above in pink part), but then when my husband does something totally clueless, inconsiderate, and idiotic I get furious and give up, and get to thinking there’s no hope. Now please know that I would not say those things about him to anyone normally, I’m just being honest here, but he really just doesn’t think/ doesn’t remember/ doesn’t notice people or things – he is VERY absent minded. Otherwise, he is a great husband and father in pretty much every way. I am so blessed for that. So I’m wondering, about those things that drive me absolutely crazy (and yes, make me think he’s an idiot, which means I lose respect and think he’s dumb, therefore I can’t seem to act the above proper way) are the things like in your recent post that I need to get over to be happy, because I cannot change them. I recognize all of this, (I learned these exact basics about what a man needs long ago from Dr. Laura and her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands) but when it comes down to it, I cannot make myself ACT like I want to be with him/ think he’s great/ admire him, etc. So it goes on and on.
Shauna, that is difficult. I hear what you’re saying. I guess what I’d say is that in general, make yourself focus on what you love about your husband, not what bugs you. I know that can be hard, and I don’t mean to diminish it. But you loved him enough to marry him, so I know that you do really enjoy some of his qualities. Try to focus on those as much as you can, and perhaps the others won’t hurt you so much!
Thank you so much for replying to me, Sheila! Reading over what I wrote and your answer I felt a little bad I even said those things about my husband out loud (OK typed them). Now I feel like gushing all the wonderful things about him, as there is so many, he truly is awesome – everyone has their flaws, I sure do have lots. This helped me to put it all down and then actually see it. I think my issue has been put into perspective a bit, as the rest of our marriage is good. Other people would say that we are great together and have a lovely and happy family. I suppose I feel bad about how strongly I feel those things I wrote up above at the moment its happening. I feel it all too strongly. That is likely much of the problem. You are right that I need to focus on those things I do love so much. Then perspective will be more accurate, and hopefully I’ll learn to just calm down and not get so worked up about what on the whole is not a large slice of the pie. Thanks so much for all you do here, you provide so much encouragement and inspiration for wives! I love checking in here, and my husband likes that I read something called ‘Wifey Wednesday’, and reminds me it is so on that day, even though he doesn’t know what it is! You are appreciated.
Okay I will do it, Six weeks today lands us right on our wedding anniversary.
My prayer is my husband will stop describing sex like a sleeping pill, i.e. “it won’t take long & your will sleep better”
I needed that today. I have been getting my life right with God for a while now and am always looking for ways to win my husband back. Wish I could afford your book for me and for a friend who is getting married in February. Saving up for now.
I got the book at the public library
I want to, I do do, and I enjoy doing all this, but, well, it doesn’t pan out for me quite like it seems it should in this article. 2-3 times a week?! Yes, please! But it takes 2 to tango and he’s not much on dancing. However, in this different boat, the same thing applies…..am I meeting his needs? Of course I compliment him, massage him, love him, kiss him, need him, appreciate him, praise him, serve him, submit to him, etc, but is there a need I am not meeting? Something unspoken and hidden? Let us add to the challenge beyond the obvious and pray that the Lord reveals to us the hidden needs of our husbands that need to be met.
living in blurred lines recently posted..They That Wait Upon the Lord….
I know many women are in your position. About 30% of guys don’t want sex very often, and it can be so difficult for their wives. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and if it’s any consolation, in most cases it’s an issue he has more than it is with you.
Like others, I’ve always read that a guy needs to help out around the house, do dishes and such if he wants his wife to express love back. That is the way a guy thinks. However, I’ve been doing that for years and all it does is make my wonderful wife feel guilty.
Perhaps even more important than “daily” is for her to really be there with you – vulnerable, open, not just willing, but interested and desirous. But that’s probably asking a bit much. (but I can still hope and work and pray and do my part for it, right?).
As a guy, I think you are right. Guys are that simple (but 2-3 times a week might be a little . . . uhhh . . . weak. 3-5 sounds better – daily even better)
If you aren’t getting much quality sex right now, you might actually need a lot less than you think. When you are starving, you wish you could eat 24-7, but when you have plenty of food available, you do not feel constantly hungry for more. It is the same with sex, when you get enough sex and it is of good quality (“vulnerable, open, not just willing, but interested and desirous”), you will reach a point where you will stop worrying about where your next ‘meal’ is going to come from.
SO TRUE! My hubby recently complained that I want it all the time and it is too overwhelming for him. But the fact is, it was so one sided for nearly 3 years that I was STARVING, so I looked for every opportunity to do it in hopes that THIS time he’d take the time to make sure I was pleasured. All he had to do was take the time and he finally did. Now, I would still like it every day, but because he takes the time, I don’t feel like I desperately NEED it all the time.
Sheila This is such a great post! with great and wise WORDS!! MY HUNK OF BURNING LOVE love!! thats what i call my husband and I have been married for 29 happy years his nickname for me is BEYOND BEAUTIFUL great article Sheila!!
Ten years ago, this would have completely ticked me off. Even five years ago.
Today, my husband and I celebrate our 24th anniversary. And I can say that you are SPOT ON. If I’d figured this out a couple of decades ago, not only would WE have been happier, but our children would have grown up in a home full of love and respect instead of contempt and bitterness.
God is good, and He is renewing what I thought was lost. But oh, how I would give anything to go back and create a happier home for my little ones during those years when they were emotional sponges.
Cheri Gregory recently posted..I Follow Rules Stupid
I really really want to believe this is true. But too many times in my marriage I would give my husband sex only to have him turn around and go get drunk or high ( he has drug and alcohol issues) or do something he knows would make me upset a couple days after. I’d give myself to him only to have my heart ripped out again and again. So I have a hard time believing ‘just give him lots of sex’ will keep a man happy.
Lynette, it sounds like your marriage does have much bigger issues. When your husband is abusing substances, then the problem is not with you. I’d really recommend getting some help, and maybe talking to an Al-anon group in your area that can support you, or talking to a pastor or mentor. If your husband is abusing alcohol, that’s a problem that, you’re right, simply having sex is certainly not going to fix.
This is spot on!!! And it’s so simple. Respecting your husband WILL give you the love you need. Thank you for posting!
This is so true! Sheila thank yo so much for this post I don’t feel so weird and confused. My bride and I have been focusing on this topic for the past year (but mainly the last 6 months). I will attest first hand that when our sex life is going great we are truly one. I’m much more into our crazy family (3 wonderful kids (10,3,2) and I want to be home, I want to help out (I know clean up the kitchen with my son 3-4 times a week), I want to do special things for my bride. The flip side is when life gets crazy and our sex life suffers I’m testy, we sleep further away in bed and when I’m home I’m usually on my computer and very disconnected.
When you have a happily sexed husband the whole house benefits!
I bet women would suffer a lot less (depression, anger, body image issues, discontent, insomnia, and even feminine complaints) if they realized how frequent, great romps in bed with hubby and screaming O’s can really change your life! In my case, my hubby has never been the one to want much sex, though he may claim he does. I’m the eager beaver, oft refused one. After nearly 3 years of one sided, infrequent wham bams, we finally.came together beautifully and mutually and it was like a light switch. Even people at church noticed a difference! Come in, ladies, quit short changing yourself, your hubbies, your marriage, and even your families.
living in blurred lines recently posted..When the Hurt Returns
So true! And that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to say: when you don’t commit yourself to having a great sex life, you don’t just short change your hubby. You short change yourself as well! God created you for so much more; why settle for less?
I know a lot of men who wish it was this easy to make their wife happy! They would do any one or two things as often as needed if that just made a difference. Sadly I’ve not found such things for women.
So ladies, you have it easy. You might not like the simple answer, but at least there is one, for most wives. Follow Sheila’s five points above, and odds are very high that your husband will be content and far more loving.
And if anyone can give me as clear and simple a list that would result in most wives being content and far more loving, PLEASE do so!
Paul H. Byerly recently posted..“If I can’t be in control, ain’t nobody gonna be in control!”
Here’s what I wish MY husband would do:
1. Flirt with me (wink, call me beautiful, play with my hair, etc)
2. Verbalize appreciation (for the clean house, dinner, taking care of kids, handling a situation, taking care of all the shopping, keeping up with the calendar….etc)
THEN, I think I could move on to wanting more sex….I would feel like he actually wants me (ie flirting) and understands how hard I work (verbal appreciation). For that, we would both deserve & enjoy SEX!!
Did you even read the article? Basically you are saying “he must FIRST do X, THEN I’ll do Y”. If that is “ok”, then why can’t he do the same? “If only she would have sex more often (or at all), maybe I would flirt with her and appreciate her”. The answer is you are both wrong – you both have to do what the other needs, without expecting it in return.
Ha, Paul! That’s the whole problem. There aren’t five steps for us women. Sigh.
What if it’s the other way around for me and my husband? I am constantly trying to please him. we have sex almost daily, but he is frequently criticizing me, and getting upset with me, and I feel like he belittles me. How do I deal with that? He doesnt help with the kids, or with household chores. I feel like he’s meeting his needs, but he isn’t meeting mine. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Laura, that’s a really tough situation. Nobody should EVER belittle anyone else. If you feel like you always try to please him, and never succeed, that sounds like a very dangerous relationship dynamic to me. I really think you need to get a mentor involved in your situation who knows you both in real life and who can help you work through some of these issues. I’m sorry I can’t help more than that, but it really sounds like you need someone to come alongside you and help you deal with this!
This sounds very similar to the book written called……
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs is a self-help book that was written in 2004 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that suggest a direct connection between the emotional needs of men and women and a verse of scripture found in the Bible, that when adhered to, can strengthen and transform relationships.
EXCELLENT book BTW, highly recommend it
My husband BOTh read it and benefitted from it 
I love you Sheila!!! Thank you for that article.
I love this post. I wrote about that being an issue for a small period of time in my own marriage on this blog post http://www.tidbitsofexperience.com/2012/07/getting-through-over-drought-of-marriage.html. In my marriage, both of us stress over our sex life. I stress over it a lot because of my sexual abuse past, and it definitely affects my attitude towards sex!!
It’s interesting to be in the minority in our marriage. I am motivated by sex, but constantly rejected, and so I feel less motivated to meet my husbands needs for love in other areas.
I’ve never been married, so I don’t have any experience. On the other hand, I’ve never made a marital mistake.
I can see some of your point, here. People receive respect differently and have different needs. Focusing on WHAT the other person wants and HOW they want it or receive it increases the likelihood of giving them what they want and need. Giving that increases the likelihood of their happiness, which increases the likelihood of my happiness.
But, to me, this post suffers from a fatal, philosphical flaw ~~ no one can “make” anyone else feel anything. I don’t control others’ emotions. To me, this is the emotional equivalent of the old adage about bringing a horse water ~~ I can act with all the best intentions, plans, goals, and desires; but, ultimately, I can’t make a horse drink by simply making water available; and, I can’t make a person feel loved or respected by simply making those things available.
Hi Sheila, having read the article and looking at my experiences in my almost 5 years of marriage, I think my story is the exact opposite. Opposite in the sense that at the time I thought my hubby and I were having the best marriage, I discovered he was having affairs with three different women. During this time we had great sex at least four times a week. When I asked him about us he would say we were going great and he loved it. From this time on I think some elements in me have been disabled when it come to him and I look at hubby differently. Inside me I question what a man really wants? You love him, adore him have frequent and great sex together and he still goes behind your back and cheats with not one but three different women? Its disgusting.
I enjoyed the article – however I must say I hate the thought of being intimate with my husband it’s nothing on his part – and he’s asked me and I’m honest and told him that I could go the rest of my life without it. I don’t know if it’s related to my past, the fact that I don’t feel desirable (my husband thinks that groping me as I cook dinner should make me know that he finds me sexy), the fact that we don’t have a bedroom (son in one bedroom our daughters in the other, he sleeps on one couch and I sleep on the other – we have no privacy), or a combo of all three. He’s patient thankfully and he would never go out on me – I know, I heard it that he will one day, no, he won’t – he’s an honorable man.
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I was hoping maybe someone could give me some ideas – I see others commenting and I guess I was hoping or praying for someone to come to mine and speak some words to me. What happens when I (the wife) don’t want sex? When I hate it? What does one do when there is no privacy?
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Sarah, I have a ton of posts on when you don’t like sex. I’d say start with the 29 Days to Great Sex, and scroll through all the days, because there are quite a few for people who really don’t get what the big deal is. Then I have another post on Why Sex Isn’t Just for Him. As for your problem with privacy, I’d seriously look at how to move your kids into their own bedrooms (or have them share a room) so that you and your husband can have a bedroom to yourself. I know that not everyone agrees with me on this, but I think it is absolutely vital that you have some privacy at night, and kids also fare fine when they learn how to put themselves to sleep. I hope that helps!
I’ll take a look. We used to have our own room but since our oldest is 10 1/2 she is really too old to share a room with her 6 year old brother – the two girls share (other DD will be 8). Our house is 624 sq. ft. and the bedrooms are tiny, so there is no way to split the rooms in half, not to mention the added cost of having to go buy a bed. I’d love to have our room but unless the Lord provides the extra money for an addition or provides a buyer for our house, right now we are where He wants us. My children do put themselves to sleep – we tuck them in but they go to bed on their own and fall asleep on their own – so that isn’t an issue either. As I said I don’t see us having our bedroom short of adding on which we cannot afford or moving and we’ve had our house on the market several different times with no interest
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Sarah, dear, my husband and I may very well be in this same boat some day. We live in an 880 square foot house with only 2 bedrooms. Already, we moved from the master bedroom into the 7′x9′ bedroom. Our 4 children share the other bedroom. We have 3 boys and 1 girl. So far, they are all young enough to share a room, but unless something gives in our income (hubby makes good money, but everything seems to mysteriously break and cost us an arm and a leg to fix!).
If hubby and I have to give the smaller bedroom to our daughter in the future and move into the living room, I plan on either placing heavy drapes in the doorway for privacy and getting a sofa bed, or getting a 4 poster bed…the kind with heavy drapes you can hang all around it like in the 18th century.
Watch the movie “The Girl With the Pearl Earring.” They entertain in the same room as their master bed. It sits in one corner of the room with the heavy drapes for privacy. Perhaps that could be an option for you! It may seem weird to have a bed in a living room, but hey, you have a unique situation and marital bliss and privacy require it. What people think can pound salt!
Let your creative juices flow! And please do what you can to reclaim your sex life! You and your husband so deserve to be richly blessed in that area!
Thank you Kate for your kind words.
We do have a fold out couch/futon that I use but my husband and I are overweight and it won’t hold both of us. I’d have no idea where we’d put a bed in our living room with my bookshelves for school as well as using it as our dining room, etc. It’s a good idea – if only our living room was larger. We rarely have anyone over as most family and even friends feel our house is too small.
So for now, I guess we wait until the children all go to a sleepover for the time being but I still am at a loss for how to handle the fact that I just hate sex
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To me, it seems like this isn’t just about the amount of space. That is just an excuse. People do what is important to them and make sacrifices if they care enough about something. The deeper issue is that you “just hate sex.” So the question is why? And what would it take to change that? Your hubby being a better lover that is more attentive to your needs? Finding out what you need to do to experience orgasm? Feeling better about your body? Learning to see yourself as a sexual person? Feeling more positively about sex in general? Find out what is holding you back and figure out ways to overcome that. Know that this is a couple issue, and involve your hubby in the solution, even if it is something you are working on yourself. Even if he would never cheat, your hubby’s heart is probably dying, and you are really missing out, too. You owe it to yourselves to overcome this problem.
Gina Paris’s blog post here may help too: http://ginaparris.com/winningatromance/overcome-sexual-aversion-better-married-se/
This is so true, NJ. And Sarah, I’d really recommend that you look up those articles that I mentioned before, including the 29 Days to Great Sex series, and The Pleasure Center specifically on how to make sex feel great!
It may sound like an excuse to some but unless you’ve lived in my house you can’t know that it’s not. That is true – I’ve sacrificed a bigger house because I chose to stay home and educate my children. Our living room is a school room, dining room and pseudo bedroom all rolled into one because our house is too small (my husband bought it before he met me and he didn’t think he’d be married with 3 children!) Trust me I know what sacrificing is – however you state if something is important to you – well honestly, sex isn’t important to me – it is to my husband but not to me. The lack of having a room of our own where I can close the door and relax without waiting for a child to come in the living room isn’t conducive to much at all. What it would take to change my feelings on sex is to go back and re-do my past – but that isn’t an option. My husband is attentive to me – granted when we do have intimacy it’s a quick 5 minute thing but he does his best and since I just don’t care I tell him not to worry about pleasuring me. I don’t want to be seen as sexual and I really don’t have an issue with my body image – I’m overweight but know that I am who I am and I’m okay with that. I don’t see this as a couple issue – he wants sex and I don’t – it’s on my end. He knows how I feel as I’m open about it. He is understanding to a point.
Sarah recently posted..TOS Crew: Speekee TV
I totally agree! And I’d also say that it’s okay for YOU to take a bedroom and to give the kids the living room. The whole family depends on the marriage being strong. Don’t try to give the kids the best, and then shortchange the marriage relationship!
Yes, the boys can have the living room. Boys don’t seem to mind as much as girls. It can work. I read a story about a family who had more than enough bedroom space, but their boys insisted on sleeping in the family room because it had the big TV and the dog could sleep with them. I say give the boys the living room and reclaim the bedroom and make it a haven for you and hubby.
As for saying that you “hate sex,” honey that is a sad, frightening thing to say. God did not design you to “hate sex.” Please don’t feel guilty. There is no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus. There is HOPE. You need to go before our Loving Savior and place this problem at his feet. You can to change, right? Well, He can help you change if you give it all to him. I also suggest a Dr.’s visit and possible counseling.
Too often we just wallow in despair when we really need to ask God for the strength to get up and make the changes. It may take you some time in prayer first, but please PLEASE make the effort. I recently had to do this about some other issues in my life and it is a daily struggle, but my goodness I can’t believe I wallowed for so long! There is a better, happier life out there if only we’d put in the effort for you. Sarah, honey, please do this.
I would not let my son sleep in the living room – he’s only 6 and he doesn’t have a lot of self control that if he were to wake in the middle of the night he would watch whatever was on T.V. or get in the internet or even go outside. The girls maybe but then that leads me to what do we do with their things? Do we sell their stuff because I don’t want a bunch of toys in my room? There isn’t enough room in the other bedroom to combine stuff. I’m trying to think how this would work and get hubby to agree (because he’d have to agree). My children definitely do not have the best! And for the most part our marriage is good – I don’t know why so many think that if you’re not having sex you’re marriage can’t thrive? I’d like to be more available to my husband but sex isn’t the end all and be all of our marriage.
I have talked to my dr and he suggested medication – which I won’t take. I won’t go to counseling – I’ve been there done that and it never did anything than make things worse.
I am happy, trust me I don’t think about it all the time or about what I’m missing out on – because to me, I’m not missing out on anything. I know my husband wants it more than once every couple months (he’d love it every other day if that was an option!). I’m younger than him and he read somewhere that women my age are supposed to be in their prime and I tell him well they haven’t met me.
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I Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.
The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you…
You may be happy, but I can guarantee that your husband isn’t. Actually, he’s probably very unhappy. Like it or not, love means putting your spouse’s needs before your own. Withholding sex from your husband is not only incredibly selfish, it’s also a grievous sin. Yes, you CAN enjoy sex, because God created you to enjoy sex with your husband, and you really, REALLY need to read Sheila’s 29 Days to Great Sex. Marriage isn’t complete without love-making.
Sarah, Jenny has a point. I totally understand about you feeling that you could live without it. I understand that you’ve been honest with your husband, and that he is in turn being kind to you. But what you’ve set up is a situation where your husband really is being deprived (and you are, too, you just don’t know what you’re missing!). That isn’t fair in marriage.
I’m not saying you should do something you find distasteful; I’m saying that, for both of your sakes, you should throw yourself into figuring out how to make this something good for both of you. And if privacy is an issue, you can buy one of those screen things at Walmart or something, and use it to block the kids’ view when they come in the living room.
But telling your husband, “sex every few months is enough for me, so it will have to be for you” isn’t healthy in a relationship, and isn’t fair or right. You were created for more than that, and your husband deserves more than that.
I know life is really busy for you right now with the three kids, and trying to keep a small house neat and tidy is so much more difficult than trying to keep a large house tidy. But what your kids need, first and foremost, is to feel secure. And security comes from knowing their parents have a rock solid marriage. So that needs to be your first priority. Really. I hope you understand that I truly just want the best for you and your husband, and I’m not trying to add another layer of guilt! But you’re going down a road that doesn’t have a good ending for anyone, and I really don’t think you want to be there.
So, at the risk of sounding snarky, Jenny in your opinion I should just go ahead and do it – literally. Regardless of the fact that I want to physically become sick when we have sex – that wouldn’t make for a very romantic night. Not to mention he wants to partake in some things that aren’t comfortable for me nor are they something God would condone in the marriage bed. He reminds me of things I’ve done in my past that were sexual and believes I should be doing those with him now – the big difference is I wasn’t a Christian then and I am now. Even if we did start having sex every day I don’t care if I get anything out of it, unless of course it’s another pregnancy, I don’t care about orgasms or whatever – so is it more selfish of me to just lay there and fake everything or is it more selfish to be honest and say I hate it? There was a time before three children when we were younger and lighter that we would stay in bed all day long that isn’t an option now.
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Sarah, if he’s asking you to do things that you’re uncomfortable with, then I really think you need to have a good, long talk with him. I’d apologize for putting sex on the back burner, and say that you want to make your marriage strong and fresh and vibrant. But at the same time, you can ask him to honour your own wishes and just look at how to make making love fun, without “extras” you’re uncomfortable with. Again, in the 29 Days to Great Sex I actually deal with this: how do you come to agreement on what’s okay to do, and what’s okay to say no to.
If sex is making you physically ill, then you really need to deal with this. You can’t just live like that. It’s not fair to your husband, it’s not fair to your kids (who will suffer if your marriage suffers), and it’s not fair to you (because you’re missing out on real intimacy, even if you don’t feel like it). Lots of people have problems with sex; I know I did. It hurt when I first married, and I couldn’t figure out why God would make it that way. Lots of people have abuse in their background, or promiscuity, or tons of problems. You really truly aren’t alone.
But to just put up with it–to say, this is way I am, and I’m honest about it, so he can’t ask for anything more–isn’t right. Sex is an important part of marriage, and it sounds like your husband would like more. So, no, don’t just “lay there and fake it”. But instead work WITH your husband to try to figure out how to make it great. Believe that it can happen (because it can). Try to get on the same team, so that you’re seeing this as a project you can do together to strengthen your marriage, even if it takes a while. But just letting it go and not paying attention to it is only going to hurt your husband and drive him further emotionally away. And that’s not good for either of you.
I read aloud your statement that men only need two things: respect and sex. I then asked my hubby if he thought that was true. He said, “We need a third thing.” I asked, “What?” — wondering what brilliance he had to add to your own. He answered, “Food.” LOL. So that’s it! Food + respect + sex = happy hubby.
I am personally a proponent of husbands helping out around the house, but not because it’s a tit-for-tat thing. I’ve figured out that it’s because the wife’s to-do’s are often so long that she doesn’t get around to having enough sleep or time to prepare for sexual encounters. A better approach might be for hubby to say, “Let me vacuum this room while you go prep yourself for tonight with a hot bubble bath.” Honestly, whatever my husband can do to help me clear my schedule and my head can help me to relax and enjoy sex with him. But wives have to know that going in and prioritize that experience.
Great article!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Purity B4 Marriage, Sexual Intimacy After: Teen’s Q
Def. Needed this… spoke to right where we are and how I have been acting toward him… even when you know how you are acting sometimes God needs to just show you again and again until you changve… that’s what he is doing now. *great resource is Love and Respect… talks exactly about what you were saying!
I think I will look for that book on sex… maybe it will help too.
Sheila~ I sure needed this today. It didn’t make me mad in the least…it made me sad and angry with myself because this is about me and why my marriage is just there right now. Its me – I need to change and show my husband more intimacy and respect. I never knew just how to show my husband the proper respect he does deserve and you put it so plainly. Thank you. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and my husband can be very abrasive and I just retreat into my shell and it makes him even more angry. My kids see this and I hate that because they see it as my husband being angry and me in a shell….its wrong. By nature, my husband is the outspoken leader and sometimes has little tact in the things he says. I am just the complete polar opposite! For the health and well being of my marriage….I need to step up to the plate and do this….no matter how I feel. I do believe it will pay off in the long run. Again ~ thank you Sheila. God bless you and your awesome ministry.
You’re so welcome, Crystal! And you’re right: we need to watch the model we set for our kids. That’s a tall order that God has given us!
Enlightening. I’ve been in the “you won’t get what you want/need/desire by withholding what your spouse wants/needs/desires” camp for sometime. While there is still some truth to it, you won’t get by withholding, it doesn’t mean that you will get by providing either. Interesting stuff.
As a guy I’m not fond of people that think I’m an idiot. They aren’t my favorite people to be around. If a wife really feels that way about her husband, the man she promised to love and cherish, what is he going to feel for her? Yes, some men are stubborn, immature, selfish jerks, but it seems you are saying that many may just be labeled that by a wife who has crushed her husband’s desire for her. That’s powerful and gives a wife a lot of power and responsibility.
I’d be interested in a follow up article on what men can do to prevent this type of thing from happening (if that’s possible). We all make mistakes when we are young and don’t know any better that we have to deal with as we grow. Hopefully we are married to a spouse that recognizes growth and maturity.
Kentucky Colonel recently posted..Sex and the Good Samaritan
This one definitely hits home right now but is so hard to accept. We have a two year old and a four week old at home right now and I’m just plum exhausted and overwhelmed with the household responsibilities. The hubby is feeling it and has started distancing himself. Unfortunately sex is the last thing I want right now.
Briana, I think when you have a four week old and a toddler, you will always feel like you’re failing at everything! Just give yourself some grace and some permission not to be perfect, and then try as best you can to still spend some time with your hubby, even if you feel like you’re neglecting the kids a bit. But you will never get everything done when the kids are that little; you just won’t. But believe me–it gets so much easier!
As the mom of a 6, 4, 2 and 3 month old, let me just say that while sex may be the last thing on your mind, it’s one of the first things you need! I promise you, if you approach hubby with exactly what you need sex-wise and he delivers, it can really revitalize you and help you feel great about yourself, too.
For example: Husband, I’m feeling really tired, stressed out and overwhelmed with taking care of everything. I’m mom so much, I just want to feel like a wife again. Could you give me a massage and do _____________ to bring me to a screamin’ O? Then, you can treat me like the wife I want to feel like.
Believe me, you’ll BOTH feel so much better!
Well I did step one and commented on something he “did” this morning with the kids and immediately got criticized for what I didn’t do. But I am determined to give it a go as I believe this is a God ordained mandate. I do notice that after we have sex, he is less cranky. Ha! Thanks for being real.
Thank you
I love this post. I realized i have not been as grateful toward my husband as I should be. However, I do have this problem: EVERY time we make love, and it is often, he seems to get cranky and lazier. I don’t understand because we both enjoy being together. We both are satisfied sexually,or so he says. any advice?
Anna, I’m not sure what to tell you, but perhaps what you need to work on isn’t so much sex as it is friendship. If we connect outside the bedroom, it’s often easier to talk about the things that could use some growth in the marriage. So I guess I’d say do what you can to laugh together, as often as possible. Keep the lines of communication open. And be grateful for the things you do admire. Men do thrive on gratitude, in general!
I agree with Sheila. Something was amiss between hubby and I recently and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Of course, the usual advice one hears is give him more in the bedroom. Instead, he shut down in the bedroom and refused for nearly a whole month and he was sarcastic, withdrawn and distant outside the bedroom. I was beside myself and totally freaked out inwardly until I exploded within myself and hubby couldn’t ignore that I was a wreck. Of course he loves me, and he confronted me and we had a good talk, but he still refused in the bedroom. I prayed like crazy and God told me to leave him alone in the bedroom and work on our marriage outside of the bedroom.
Work on making that great cake together, but let God put on the icing. I’m not saying deny him in the bedroom if he wants it, but make sure your focus is on the cake and not the icing. And PRAY!!
Thanks so much. I tried thanking him again today for something else. And this time the response was “Why are you thanking me for that. That is what I am suppose to do.” His love language is clearly service and I’ve known that for years. He’s not a person who is about words of affirmation, which I am and thrive in expressing. We (can’t change him, but can change me) have a lot to work on. I am continuing this challenge prayerfully. Thanks for responding. I do appreciate it.
Well I know his love language is service. So I try to cook a meal. It’s too salty. I try to keep the house clean. It’s not clean enough. I’ve gotten to the point where I have just not cared to do anything because it is not good enough. This morning when I told our little one that “Your Daddy is so nice.” within earshot like you suggested, he asked “Why?” and to be hones I could not right there think of anything. I just kept saying “Your Daddy is so nice and kind to you baby.” And that was true. God is going to fix my heart and I am believing for these next six weeks. Thanks for your response. I’ve subscribed to your blog. This is the most real marriage blog I’ve encountered. My husband is not one for flattering words, but I will continue..
I find this to be true even though my husband doesn’t want sex as often as I do. (He generally wants sex every other day, while I want it every day – not a huge difference!) He feels like such a stud because I want him and I let him know how amazing he is in bed. And he is SO MUCH more intimate with me, and shares more with me, and is happier and relates more with me when I listen intently, respond pleasantly, praise him often, and giggle and kiss a lot. He tells me that it makes him feel really good knowing that he can have sex any time he wants to, any time of day or night; and he has always, always told me that he desperately needs one thing from me – for me to support him and be proud of him. And he really does take care of me. He makes me feel so beautiful and sexy and desired and loved. He never says anything bad about the way I look, he only says wonderful things. He even watches me shower because he can’t take his eyes off of me when I’m naked! The other day I got out of the shower and he was eating snacks while watching me. lol. I don’t have a perfect body, so that makes me feel very loved. He also does things for me – he cooks breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me when he can, he gets me coffee, he cuddles me because he knows I need it. So yes…..it’s true!
And Shelia, you are right about the friendship part. We barely see one another. He works nights. Has worked nights for 8 years. And also in school. So weekends are tied to studying. Trying to carve out us time is a real challenge. Sorry for all of the replies, but that’s just a glimpse of where I am. Do appreciate it. And your response also katd.
This is great! I think everyone who is married should read it!
The best part of this article for me I feel needs to be highlighted: the connection between what a man does in the relationship to please his wife, and sex. Without a doubt, wives, if you go down this road, and it works out for you (as for many it will), you will be tempted DAILY to question the motives of the things he does and attach them to him just wanting sex. In a way, it is true. But it is a “chicken and the egg” sort of thing. So why, then, does the burden of “keeping it rolling” land on you? Because in my experience, it is the tendency for a wife to withdrawal first, because of her complexity, her thoughts of how she thinks her husband is thinking. The man withdrawals second. Which just reinforces in the wife’s mind that he is “a pig only looking for sex.”. And in the husbands mind “why does she keep testing me by withdrawing sex?”
In my situation, I am aware of all this. So I TRY to push through the dry spells each month and try my hardest to not to get upset or withdrawal when a week goes by without sex. The thing is we do have sex 4 times a month, so i dont have “room to complain”, but it is frustrating. (I don’t know how else to say it). To use the food analogy, its like going to a fancy Restaraunt for dinner every day but not ever eating any other meals or snacks. Yes, the sex is good, and yes it is somewhat frequent at 4 times a month. So why am I always so hungry?
Why are you so hungry? Because 4x a WEEK is frequent, not 4x a month! Plus, it doesn’t sound like she is connecting emotionally with you. I say as Sheila often rightly says, work on your friendship in your marriage first. Pray for her, pray with her, and the next few “bedroom sessions” make it about her and her pleasure. Let her know sex is about the both of you, not just Mark. You may feel you are doing enough to make it mutual, but she may need a little more assurance and focus on her. Women love when men are really sacrificial for them. I am all over my man like a crazy sex tigress when he sacrifices his needs for mine – which ultimately means his get fulfilled anyway! Jesus sacrificed Himself for his bride so we could have eternal life, but He gets eternal life, too. he didn’t stay dead.
living in blurred lines recently posted..Thursdays are Hard for Me
Our bedroom sessions are all about her. I foreplay for as long as she needs, but she can’t get it out of her head that she is just doig her marital duty. I don’t feel desired. I know I’m attractive and a good man. Women at work tell me how lucky my wife is. That’s a hard thing, to be tested with temptation and then go home to infrequent sex, all the while giving every moment I have to either connecting with her, work, home work, sleep, parenting. I don’t go out with the guys these days. I’m a family man. We actually do connect all the time. I’m attentive to her wants and needs (non-sexually) all the time. Then in the bedroom, its all about getter HER in the mood. She says that I’m easy. So when she wants to, she just touches my leg and I’m ready to go. I have to be, or else I miss the “opportunity”. I’m not trying to slam her on these posts. I just sometimes feel like giving up. If I tell her to read the Good Girls Guide she would be upset that I went looking for information on the Internet. But she isn’t looking for any self help. Heck, for her life is great. The only downside for her is when I start to withdraw from her due to lack of sex. And at that point, she just frames it from her Pov that I am not patient enough.
Mark, I totally get it. It was the same way here, but I’m the wife in your shoes and my hubby was like your wife! The only difference is that hubby would still get his O, like you probably still get to climax…it’s just empty because you feel like she doesn’t desire you. I, on the other hand would feel the emptiness along with not having the time taken to climax. It was killer. I was miserable for a VERY long time, and yes, it did draw me away from my husband. At my lowest, I considered grabbing the children and literally just disappearing for a while.
So, I cried out the God. I saw no way out of this unless hubby changed, but the Lord changed a lot in me! When we are at the end of ourselves, even in something like our married sex life, THAT’S when the Lord can begin. It killed me to do what the Lord asked of me. He may ask something different of you, so don’t take this part in parathesis as a formula for success. (God told me to forget about sex. I wasn’t going to get any, so just give up the fight and just love my husband instead. I was floored. I couldn’t believe it! I argued with God, but we’re supposed to in marriage! It’s a sin to deny…etc, etc, blah blah blah. I obeyed, but still prayed for it and cried out to God when the going got tough. 6 days later, hubby surprised me. Woot woot!!! We haven’t since because he’s not able to be home due to his career.) All I’m going to say is pray pray pray, trust in the Lord, wait upon the Lord, do His will. Listen to what He has to tell you. Put your wife and your sex life in His hands. Obey what He tells you to do. Pray for your wife’s healing. She needs healing in this area. She’s selfish and broken.
I actually asked a couple of husband bloggers to e-mail my husband, and they agreed to, but I decided against it as hubby only reads emails from work. Perhaps someone else could “spam” your wife with this blog or others like Mission: Wife, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, The Generous Wife, etc. Pray about that.
Loved this article Sheila. I am guilty of it. I’m going to try your 6 steps for 6 weeks. Thanks
Thanks for the advice. I’ll think it over. It is very tough to let go of what you want with the hopes of getting it. Pee Wee Herman had a speech about that, about how he wasn’t expecting anything in return and then, well, he didn’t get anything in return! LoL!
I really never under stood my needs, because in the last 45 years of marriage I’ve only had sex, love, intimacy once. It was my first time for sex, also my last and only. The day after our wedding things changed, First he said sex was terrible, no pleasure, excitement no nothing, also it was disgusting, messy, to much work for so little, and meant nothing. I was told he made a mistake and that it would never happen again . He then decide he was going to work midnights so he wouldn’t be home in the evening and that he was never going to sleep with me. Also he moved to the basement and built a small apartment thing when he now lives. Our lives are completely separate. He has no phone,tv,computer,radio he has distanced himself from the world and could care less about me or himself. There are no friends in his life, only himself , his shop, and a garage he built out back of our property.
This is very interesting, I’ve read a LOT of marriage advice lately and never yet heard it put this way. I think you’re onto something! Thank you!
but 2-3 times a week for sex…. wow, we always fail to step it up in that area and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. I thought once a week was pretty average? I’d be willing, but I guess I need to read your book. I used to get mad when my husband was always “too tired,” but now after 10 years I don’t care anymore because sex is always super-short and boring for me (it’s all about him), so I don’t want to put myself out there and be hurt again. Talking about this gets us nowhere. Life’s too busy with little kids around!
But again, I’ve never read anything like this post, so maybe I have a better starting point now?
hi. I just want to be able to speak about this. I married a great guy nearly 25 years ago. I know I’m overweight now but even in the beginning he never had much sex drive, he has always had hangups, would not make love if we had guests staying or were away on holiday with friends (in separate rooms of course! ) etc. One of our kids has some issues and I became very anxious and depressed and since then (despite medication and therapy and now I am 100% myself again) he says sex is no longer necessary, we have two kids, and my body is unattractive to him. You can imagine that this doesn’t make me happy and yet he has NO IDEA how much it hurts to be told this. YES i may be fat now but am at weight watchers and I am kind, good, hopefully attractive (but he HAS NEVER COMPLIMENTED ME – and yes, I DO compliment him and thank him for help round the house etc) Others tell me that I’m beautiful etc but my own spouse has never ever said that word. we are Christians but I know he won’t go for counselling because even when our child was creating huge issues for us he refused to, even when a therapist I saw told us we must go for counselling. I am reaching the point right now where I no longer want to be married to him. it hurts so much that he decided on his own that sex was unnecessary and didn’t even talk to me about it until i forced the issue. and he is so smug he thinks I won’t ever be unfaithful or anything – he just thinks I am a fat lump with no feelings I guess.
Laurie, I am sorry your husband had been so mean to you. It sounds like he has really wounded you deeply. Have you considered going to counseling without him? Just because he doesn’t want to go doesn’t mean that you can’t. It would be better if he wanted to go too, but you could still benefit significantly from going alone.
Laurie, I agree with Noah. It sounds like you really, really need some support.
If there’s anything you can do to keep building a friendship so that you have some sort of a foundation for your relationship other than your kids, that can help, too. But it sounds as if you have a lot of real hurts that need to be talked through and dealt with. I’m so, so sorry that you’re walking through this, and I’ve said a prayer for you.
Sheila, as a man (and now an ex-husband), I can tell you this is so good and so correct. Sex and respect will turn his world right side up. And, unless he’s one of those louts you mentioned, that will come back to bless the wife. I’ve known that for years. But what you opened my eyes to was that it doesn’t work the other way around. I knew that was true of my wife — I tried and tried and tried, but it never made a difference. And I never could figure out why the advice of Leman and Smalley et al. didn’t seem to work with my wife, even in combination with nearly continuous marriage counseling. Your admission/insight that women don’t work that way solves the riddle. Unfortunately, I never did find what WOULD work. After 29 years, the last 15-18 filled with disrespect and sexual refusal, she divorced me without a biblical basis and contrary to pastoral and counselor advice. Less than a year later, she’s engaged to a man she met online who has been divorced twice before, but somehow he has persuaded her (or she has persuaded herself) that he has more to respect than I did. Oh, how I wish she had read this post and your other material. But then she had read Dr. Laura’s book and Shaunti Feldhahn’s book. The first made a difference for about a day; the second just made her mad. There are some women, apparently, who just will not listen, even when it’s not their disrespected husband who is trying to tell them the truth.
Any advice for pregnant moms? My husband and I are still newly married and I have a big belly and feel unattractive. He says I put him in the friend zone for now and I’m focused on our unborn baby. It feels weird to have a baby moving around inside of you and trying to reach the big O.
ExpectingWife, yes, I know what you mean. I think many women have that problem! I wrote about pregnancy & sex and hormones & sex before, too. I hope you find those helpful! In a nutshell, and not to be too graphic, I’d say initiate more and take the lead more and be active during making love (like going on top can work). When you’re the one moving, you’re not concentrating so much on feeling the baby; you’re more concentrating on what you’re doing. And that can help!
Wow… I do agree that regardless of what my husband does or does not do for me I am obligated to fulfill my duties as a Godly wife (no ifs, buts or maybes about it, I have to) and SOMETIMES that may be enough to get my husband’s attention and maybe he’ll correct whatever behavior I find undesirable at that time BUT that is not always the case and who wants to feel like their husband will only be a husband if I never mess up & I’m never too tired? Marriage is a constant joint effort and a woman can not hold it together by herself through sex and nice words! My husband should fulfill his marital duties even in times where I may slip and not do my part because we made vows not only to each other but to the Lord! So to harp on the simplicity of men & to suggest that the health of a marriage lies mostly on the woman “cuz we can change it all by being nice & sleeping with our men regularly” is incredibly ridiculous to me. Yes, women are more complex than men but I didn’t marry a Neanderthal. He’s capable of deciding to put in extra work the way I’m expected to if there’s a problem in our marriage. I’m highly offended by this article not because it focuses on fulfilling my duties as a wife but because my husband is my equal and the head of my household, he doesn’t need to be coddled and if I get a little snippy around that time of the month he doesn’t retreat (whether he feels the need to or not) because that’s not the Godly thing for him to do. He prays for me and for the strength to deal with me while continuing to meet my needs. He’s a MAN! Go the extra mile for your husbands and your relationships but don’t fool yourself into believing that your husband isn’t equally accountable for the health of your marriage. Most of us married completely competent men. Remember when u were dating him he didn’t seem so simple did he? He made sure you were happy even if you were saving yourself for marriage so why’s his simplicity his handicap now that you’re married? Sorry not buying this one… if you were to focus on the idea of women being the wives that God intended and meeting their men’s needs regardless of what their husbands do or dont do in return I would agree with you 100% but the idea that men are somehow too simple to be the husbands God intended, who retreat when they don’t feel like they’re good at marriage instead of praying for breakthrough revelavtion and continuing to try meeting their wives needs is unfathomable to me.
Thank you for posting this. I am going to write down those 5 tips and carry them around with me so I can be reminded to work on them!
Kathryn recently posted..He’s Special
Awesome, Kathryn!
It doesn’t appear that many people, to include the blogs author, have actually taken a second to research much less read the book in question. If Mrs. Gregoire has, then she’s misrepresenting the Lemans work. While I do believe Leman stands firmly on a side & doesn’t often elucidate on how other principles support his, in this case the book, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, is about developing intimacy outside the bedroom. It’s not about doing more chores it’s about knowing (you know the biblical descriptor of Sex) your spouse. Specifically a man studying his wife. While he does state that helping around the house is part of that, more specifically he’s admonishing husbands to think about your wife’s needs & address them rather than just our particular distractions.
From the book:
Too many people -especially those of us who are fortune enough to be males- seem to believe that sex begins and ends in the bedroom, period. Some men grunt their way through the evening without showing their wives the least bit of attention. When a man’s wife asks him if he thought the dinner she fixed was good, he grunts in response. She tells him about something important that happened to her during the day, and she gets another grunt out of him. She tries to talk to him about something cute that one of the kids did or said and hears the third grunt of the evening. After that, she just gives up trying to talk.
But when bedtime comes, he’s grabbing for her and wondering why she’s so “cold” to him. That’s just not how “good sex” happens. Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman should be the culmination and expression of the intimacy they share in all areas of their life together. For sex to be what it is capable of being, it must be an act of loving and sharing, of giving to each other.
It is most definitely not a game of “I’m Tarzan, you Jane–gimme.”
Quick look into the first 14ish pages courtesy of Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Begins-Kitche … 0800731174
Jeff, I think you totally misunderstood my point. My point was that EVEN IF HE DIDN’T GRUNT in the kitchen, and EVEN IF HE DID CLEAN UP, he still may very well not get her in a romantic frame of mind because women don’t work that way. A man can do everything right, and she will not necessarily respond. We are far more complex than men are.
So he can get to know us, he can cater to us, he can do all of those things–and quite often we won’t respond. Because it’s not always about what a man does; it’s about her interpretation. And many, many women shut out perfectly good men. That’s what I’m saying.
And I think women need to be called out on that.
Sheila, I appreciate & agree with the bulk of your post. I don’t agree with your characterization of Leman’s book. The book describes building intimacy outside the bedroom & that in itself is a fairly large task list, yes? Part of that is being aware that our wives don’t appreciate when we allow our distractions to take priority over their concerns & the reality is that an orderly house is a concern for many wives. Like scripture, Leman’s book ought to be taken in context or in it’s entirety. I completely missed any reference to chores in the piece that I quoted from Leman. What I did pick up was,”Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman should be the culmination and expression of the intimacy they share in all areas of their life together.” That would also include calling out a wife that needs to be called out, yes?
While I agree that often spouses don’t respond to our good intentions, servants heart or specifically to a husbands servant leadership it doesn’t mean Leman is saying that to get more sex- clean more dishes. I understand that many will take him to be asserting such, they have a right to their opinion & to be wrong. I get your point & believe it to be an important one. I believe you either didn’t get Lemans point or mischaracterized his work; that’s my point.
I also don’t agree that women are any more complex than men are, I believe that line of teaching just further complicates the issue. I think it feeds into the cultural stereotype that men are either John Wayne’s or Ray Romano’s -emotionally devoid or clueless – neither is true. Both sexes are made in God’s image. I don’t read where He blessed women with the complicated image of God while He blessed men with the simple or less complex image of God. I read that we are different & process differently while we are equally wonderfully complex.
Again I agree that women need to meet & engage their husbands wherever they may be. I believe women need to be called out on withholding intimacy & that a good portion of that calling out ought to be modeled by other women. My point was that I don’t agree with your characterization of Lemans talking points & then the complexity assertion.
Thank you for your heart & desire to strengthen marriages, I & others appreciate your voice.
Be blessed, jeff
I am sorry that I have a hard time agreeing with you statement that “many marriages would be saved if…” My husband could care less if our marriage is saved… he’s tried to divorce me twice. I’ve stood and prayed for it to continue. God’s will prevailed both times. Because of the countless adulterous acts {physical and emotional} and by his own words of admission… he is only out to please himself {he says he’s a selfish man… making little excuse}. And at this point he doesn’t see any reason to stop his “friendships” with other women. Why would I want to have sex with him anymore?
To top it off, I do have a medical condition, worsened by stress {which my marriage is and has been full of}, that was diagnosed just before the second time he up and left me and the kids for another woman. It’s more work to have sex with him but he doesn’t see the need to help out around the house for any reason, surely not to lesson my load! His mother could do it all! He’s the guy that Jeff, mentioned above. He comes home, grunts for his dinner, grunts at the kids if they bother him while he’s watching TV, and grunts until everyone is in bed… while I do it all… sometimes he even takes a nap in front of the TV. And then like a light switch… all of a sudden he’s nice, sweet, telling me “I think you’re hot.” And all I can think about is… how many women have you told this to?” I am sick of his pick up lines!
I’ve stayed and stood for my marriage for 12, almost 13 years. He’s never committed to this marriage. He’s never kept his vows. I’ve given sex… LOTS of times when I really didn’t want to. Several times a week even, to save my marriage… for him to say “that is not enough!” He will never be content with just me. And honestly, I’m at the point that I could care less anymore. Why should I? I’ve done all of this! It still is not good enough!
I’ve looked on your website for success stories of why I should stay… and I am just getting more discouraged that my efforts were all in vain these last 12 years. Why did I keep taking him back? Why did I do this to myself?
Jennifer, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this in your marriage. Honestly, the best resource that I can recommend to women who are in relationships where their husbands keep cheating is Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. It’s a great book about when you’re the only one who wants to save a marriage–and it teaches you how to be firm and how not to be a doormat.
Sometimes we can do the right thing and our spouse still chooses the wrong thing. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s true.
I’ll pray that you find some peace and some clarity, and that you find someone who can stand alongside you and guide you through this difficult time.
I would advise against having sex with your husband, if he has relations with other women….STDs happen even to innocent people. And in many cases they don’t show up right away – someone with HIV can test negative for an entire year after getting it. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
Jenny recently posted..Preparing for intimacy: putting ourselves in the right frame of mind.
I agree. I told my hubby that even though I am 99.999999% sure he will never cheat on me, that if he did, would he please have the courtesy NOT to have sex with me until he repented and was cleared of StD’s by the doctor.
I’m not mad, I’m just sad – for the women who this advice doesn’t help.
there are women out there who constantly thank their husbands, constantly compliment their husbands, don’t nag, don’t give the silent treatment and who actively want sex once a day or more.
This is despite their husbands never thanking or complimenting them, their husbands constantly nagging in between giving them long periods of silent treatment, and their husbands barely having sex once a month and making it clear they are only doing it to “shut the wife up”.
There are some men nothing is good enough for.
@ButterflyWings: For what it’s worth, the husbands you describe are idiots. But they’re also very rare; I’ve never met one. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help the wives who are unfortunate enough to be married to those husbands. If those husbands are in a church, I’d (a) ask the husband to go to marriage counseling with a good Christian counselor; (b) if he won’t, tell him that the relationship with him is so important that if he won’t go with you to marriage counseling, you’re going to talk with your pastor or an elder, and invite him to go with you; (c) whether he goes with you or not, talk to a pastor or elder and ask them to talk with your husband and urge him to get into marriage counseling; (d) if the husband still won’t respond, ask the church to follow through with the church discipline process of Matt. 18 (a follow-up meeting with additional witnesses and, if he still will not respond, telling it to the church and removal from membership, all in an effort to get him to live up to his marriage vows). Church discipline should be used more often for husbands and wives who won’t fulfill their responsibilities even after church leaders get involved.
Absolutely agree! Great comment.
These are men who have turned their backs on the church and God as well as their wives. Stay or go, nothing changes. If you leave men like that, they just take it as an opportunity to hook up with other women.
Sadly I’ve know quite a few men over the years who appeared to be loving christian men until after they were married – sometimes it became obvious as soon as they were married that they weren’t the person they pretended to be, others it didn’t become apparent until months or years later.
But either way, they conned their wives (and the whole community really) into believing they were loving, good christian men and then after marriage, they changed – too late for their poor wives to do much.
I thing a girl could die for lack of a little romance … LOL …. I agree with your post but I do have to point out that guys went out on a limb when dating to “catch” us and tend to forget that afterwards and stop and then they wonder why we are frustrated! Maybe you have another article addressing that …
There are some women who are willing to have sex and would like it more often then their husband does. Often husbands are too tired to meet the needs of his wife. It goes both ways
Absolutely, Karen! I’ve written about that here, too.