It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below!
She wants to stop; she confesses it to God; and she’s feeling really guilty.
So here’s the question: should she confess it to her husband?
I received another question recently from a reader who had developed an attraction to a man at work. She has now gone out of her way to avoid him, has made sure she never texts him, and is looking at leaving for a different job so that they aren’t thrown together in any way. But she still occasionally finds that she dreams about him. She tries not to think about him, but doesn’t always succeed. But she does love her husband.
Should she tell him?
I find these very difficult questions, and I’m going to give my opinion with the humble assertion that I truly may not be right. I don’t really know. But here’s what my gut tells me:
1. Secrecy when we try to hide things from ourselves and from God is always wrong.
If you are doing something you know is wrong, and you are running from it and aren’t trying to stop and aren’t confessing it to God, you’re in dangerous ground. You need to be honest with yourself and honest with God.
2. Accountability Needs Another Person
At the same time, as important as it is to be honest yourself, to keep us on the straight and narrow we usually need another person. We’re supposed to “confess our faults one to another”, as James 5:16 says. We are supposed to tell others about what we are struggling with so that they can pray with us and so that we can’t hide behind a false veneer of righteousness.
So I’d say that it’s really important to find ONE female that you can talk to (or male, if you’re a guy and you’re reading this). Find someone you can trust, whom you can also help keep accountable so it’s a two-way street. Find someone who will hold you to what God says, and won’t justify or pooh-pooh or rationalize your behaviour. And find someone who will pray with you.
3. Be Careful About Sharing with Your Spouse
But IF you’ve confessed to God, and IF you’ve put things in place so that you’re minimizing the temptation and preventing the sin, then I’m not certain telling your husband is always the best policy. You have to ask, “why am I telling him? Is this something that he NEEDS to know, or am I telling him simply for the sake of complete transparency?” And if it’s something that will hurt him (like having a crush on a co-worker whom you are now going out of your way to avoid), I’m not sure it’s really helpful to tell him. I think it’s far more helpful to throw yourself in to making your marriage as fun as you can and in wooing your husband again so that you feel attracted to him.
If you tell him that you’re attracted to someone else, someone that you aren’t pursuing and aren’t planning on pursuing and are now avoiding, you’re just hurting your husband when no real sin has taken place. Does your husband deserve that?
At the same time, I can see where certain things need to be confessed, like if you’ve really overspent and put the family in debt. You can’t try to hide that, even if you do the finances in your house. Or if you’ve been faking enjoying sex for years and years, and now you want to restart your sex life. I don’t know if you can really move forward in something like that unless you at least give your husband a bit of information about what’s really been going on. And if you’ve had a full-blown affair, I do believe that needs to be confessed.
So I would say that you have to ask yourself certain questions: will we be able to maintain a healthy and close relationship if I DON’T tell him, or is it necessary for me to tell him? In the case of a debt, for instance, not telling him will increase your anxiety and potentially cause major ripple effects. In the case of a crush which you have dealt with, I would think that real intimacy is better maintained by keeping silent with him but then pursuing an ever more romantic and passionate marriage.
What do you think? Does everything need to be revealed in order to be passionate and intimate? Is honesty always the best policy? Let’s talk in the comments!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own marriage post and then link up the URL to that post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can see all the awesome marriage posts!