Yesterday I wrote about why reading 50 Shades of Grey can be harmful to your marriage: basically, it causes you to fantasize, so that it’s harder to stay “present” with your spouse.
But in reading some of the comments here and on Facebook, I think that the book is filling a need (albeit in a harmful way). Women are saying:
Sex is boring! I’m not excited by my husband. I’ve lost my libido. And I need to find a way to get in touch with the sexual side of myself again.
Ladies, I totally understand. And I want to help you do that in a PURE way!
You see, as I said in a whole section in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, “pure” and “hot” should really go together. Why? Because pure sex is when we feel deeply and intimately connected. And when you feel deeply and intimately connected, you’re going to lose control. You’re going to be vulnerable. Your walls will come down. You’re going to feel like you want to be “taken”. Those are all “hot” things!
And you can have hot without needing erotica. In fact, the more you read erotica, the less able you’ll be to experience real “pure and hot” intimacy because you’ll be living more and more in a fantasy life. Just like some people need a drink or two before they can be comfortable in public, many people need to look at porn or read erotica before they can become aroused. And that’s not good.
So how can we find that route to arousal again without erotica, if our sex lives have become boring? Here are a few thoughts:
1. Dream About It
Fantasy in and of itself isn’t bad. Fantasy about weird things or about other people can be dangerous, but fantasies about what you’d like to do with your husband, or what you’ve done in the past, are quite fine. In fact, I think we’re supposed to think about these things! So during the day, let yourself think about sex. Get in the right frame of mind. If you want to feel sexy, you don’t need to pick up a book to do it. Just start thinking of some scenarios you’d like to do with your husband, too.
Then take some control and bring them to pass! Tell him about them, or better still, just initiate them yourself at night. When you become more energetic and take the initiative in bed, you’re more likely to feel sexy. And for many women it’s also more likely to be pleasurable, because you angle things so they work for you.
Now, if you try these things and he isn’t receptive because his sex drive is much lower than yours, then please read this series. But let me also say that in your case, in particular, these kinds of books can be very dangerous, because you already have reason to be dissatisfied. Don’t make it worse!
2. Have Sex More Frequently
Want to turn up the libido? You may just need to make love more often. Libido is a “use it or lose it” phenomenon. If you want to get in touch with sexy, try making love every night for a week. But don’t do it the same way every night. Have a rule that no two times can be in the same position, or done the same way.
And if you take this challenge, you’ll find another habit change is probably coming, too: you’ll start going to bed at a decent time, so that you can actually have some fun. When we start going to bed on time more regularly, that, in and of itself, can make you feel sexier!
3. Reawaken Your Body
Speaking of “use it or lose it”, yesterday commenter Doris said this:
I understand the lure of erotica but to “recharge your libido” or enhance your love making or focus your mind, I found the solution. Yoga. Why? First of all, it made me more aware of my body and helped me focus my mind. I learned to be happy with my body and it became stronger. When you feel good about your body, you feel sexy. This makes you less self conscious. I also was more in tune with how my body felt which applies directly to sex. Forget kegel exercises, yoga even replaces these. It also increases your stamina. All this and add a husband who loves you and if you’re really lucky like me, also started doing yoga…well, you won’t need the erotica. He also won’t need the porn. Instead you’ll have a very loving, and intimate relationship that will strengthen your marriage.
I know that some people steer clear of yoga because of the eastern mysticism associated with it, but honestly, I haven’t had any of that in the classes I’ve taken at the Y. Just be on the lookout for it. Yoga is mostly learning how to stretch, relax, and pay attention to your breathing, if that’s all you do, it doesn’t go against Christianity at all (and if your teacher brings it around to eastern mysticism and meditation, find a new teacher!).
And Doris is right! When we start doing yoga (or any exercise that stretches you and helps you pay attention to breathing), you’ll start to feel sexy, too!
4. Give Up Some Control
Part of the allure of 50 Shades of Grey is the BDSM nature of it (bondage, sadomasochism, etc.) For many women this touches a cord, because the idea of being completely helpless and at someone’s disposal can be attractive (often it’s more attractive in fantasy than in real life, but still). I think sex is supposed to be mutual, and so the idea that someone is hurt so that someone can get pleasure, or that only one person gets pleasure and the other always gives it, isn’t biblical to my mind. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving up some control. You could say to your husband, “for tonight, I’m yours.” And let him decide what you do (within limits, of course. Read here for more).
And I’ve written before about how letting him touch you, without you moving, can help you figure out how you actually like to be touched. It can be quite arousing.
I’m not one who believes that sex has to always be done the same way, or that each episode has to be one in which we’re having sex simply to say “I love you”. It’s wonderful to express tenderness and love while we’re making love, but let’s face it: sex is supposed to mirror our relationship with God. And that is not always tender. He loves us fiercely. He loves us possessively. And I believe He created sexuality to be the same way.
So sometimes you may want things to be a little more about being “taken”, and a little less about making love while you kiss gently. That’s okay. All of those things are part of a great marriage. So if this is something you want, tell your husband!
5. Play Some Games
Finally, I’ve written a post as part of my 29 Days to Great Sex series about how to spice things up! Lots of ideas there, including things to do with dice, how to create “his” and “hers” nights, and more.
A lot of women are using 50 Shades of Grey to help them get aroused. May I suggest instead that you simply use your husband? That’s what he’s there for! So fantasize about him. Tell him what you’re thinking. Flirt with him. Play some games. Get more active. When you turn to erotica, you take the easy way out. You become aroused from a story, not from actually making an effort in your relationship. Our society gravitates towards quick fixes and short cuts, but in the end it’s not fulfilling. Try to make that effort and make sex stupendous between you. That, in the end, is much hotter!
My book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has “Good Girl Dares” throughout it that will help you jumpstart your libido WITH your husband, rather than WITHOUT him!
Have you ever had trouble with erotica? Or do you understand the lure for many women? Tell us your story about how to get over these ruts in your marriage!