It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
A successful sex life can be challenging even when everything is going well. But what if your spouse isn’t even around – sometimes for weeks?
Welcome to my world.
Life with an often-absent spouse has its challenges, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.
The first challenge is simply not being together. You can’t have sex with your husband if he’s not there!
My sex drive doesn’t turn off just because my husband isn’t around. The longer he’s gone, the more aware I become of my sexual needs. Do I wait until he’s home, or do I satisfy myself? Unfortunately, for too long, I chose the latter.
Advised by another woman to masturbate, I was convinced I needed to keep up my libido to be ‘ready’ when my husband returned. I was told that without it my sex drive would shut down.
None of that is true.
Sexual success between a husband and wife is more than sex and orgasms. It also includes emotionally intimacy. Masturbating, even while thinking about your spouse, doesn’t build intimacy. Instead, it trains your body to respond quickly to your own stimulation.
That training can lead to problems, making it more difficult for a woman to reach a sexual climax with her husband.
Emotional intimacy can also be eroded by concerns regarding a spouse’s faithfulness.
Husbands, your wife’s sex drive is directly connected to her confidence in you while you are away. We know the temptations of porn, prostitutes and female co-workers exist. Your wife needs to know she’s your one and only, even while you’re gone. (The recent scandal with US Secret Service Agents and their ‘Wheels Up, Rings Off’ practice doesn’t encourage wives with traveling husbands!)
Give each other permission to call night or day with a promise to always answer. Call each other on breaks just to chat. Share good news, bad news, funny moments and the temptations you struggle with. Removing any hint of worry builds a solid foundation for a successful sex life.
Use technology to keep the communication lines open! Cell phones, Skype, texts and emails are wonderful tools for couples who are apart. Keep each other up to date on details like bills, to-do lists and the kids’ misdemeanors so you can focus more on each other when you’re together again.
But don’t leave it at just information. Communicate how you feel about each other, not just about the kids or the crazy day. Encourage each other and pray together.
A few days before you’ll be together, start talking about sex. Tell each other what you’re looking forward to – feel free to be graphic! King Solomon was! In fact, try reading sections of Song of Solomon out loud over the phone.
Plan in advance when you will be physically intimate. If he walks in the door and expects to find you in lingerie ready for a night of wild sex, and you are thinking it’ll be a quiet night of bubble bath or tea with friends while he watches the kids… you’ll have fireworks of a different kind!
On the day of the big ‘event’ you should think about what it will feel like to have your spouse touch you. Think about how great he or she is, what their strengths and great character traits are, and how God has blessed you with them.
(Okay… I know. You are thinking… there’s really nothing that great… you don’t know my spouse. And no. I don’t. But I know mine. I felt exactly the same way, and was ready to walk out on a nearly dead marriage. I don’t have time for that here, but trust me, it starts by changing how you think and then acting on that. It’s biblical, and it works. Even in the bedroom!)
Wives, spend time thinking about how you are going to knock his socks off! What will he enjoy? What would make him believe you are the best wife any man could have?
Husbands, prepare yourself to make her feel cherished. What can you do to let her know she is beautiful? Talk to her and let her talk to you while you actively listen. That’s foreplay for most women!
Pray that God would release you both to love each other without reserve. Pray for great sex.
Then save your energy! You are going to need it!
Which brings me to another challenge: fatigue. After being at home and on call 24/7, a late-night romp in silk sheets doesn’t sound nearly as wonderful as an early bedtime and a full night of sleep.
Part of preparing physically for sex is to get enough rest. Especially when you’ve been going solo for a while. So wives, in preparation for that love-making session you have scheduled, take a nap.
If you work full time, take an hour or two off to rest and prepare. If you’re at home with children – get a sitter. Your marriage is worth the money you’ll pay for a 2 hour nap. Make it 4 hours and go get a massage! Doesn’t it make sense to invest a little money into something that should last the rest of your life!?!
If you are often separated from your husband, your love-life may not be as regular as you had hoped. But it doesn’t have to be bad. Have as many nights of passion as you can while your hubby is home. Enjoy it. Whisper words of ‘next time you’re home’ so you can both be prepared for more wonder in the bedroom.
The sex-life of a marriage separated by distance may seem like a feast or famine lifestyle. That’s okay. Your marriage can still be marked with both purity and passion.
Carla Anne Coroy blogs! Pick up Married Mom, Solo Parent on Amazon here, or find out more at her site!
Now it’s your turn! Do you have marriage thoughts for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks so much Carla! This really spoke to me as a military wife. I love the tips to take a nap and relax to prepare as often I am hurrying around the house like a crazy person to get things ready and then I am burnt out and frustrated by the time he gets there. Not a good combo! Next time I will take that nap! (and kind of embarrassing that I never thought of that before!)
Isn’t it funny how the littlest things some times escape our attention?? 🙂 I’m glad you found this helpful Katie!
Blessings!
Carla Anne
I cannot even imagine the toll that it takes on a marriage when spouses are away from each other for extended periods of time. My heart goes out to military spouses (both those in the military and those who are married to them). I have seen how these separations completely destroy a marriage. These are some great tips on how to nurture your marriage even when you don’t spend a lot of face-to-face time.
My husband and I deal with this as he travels extensively with business. It’s hard. I do try to keep him and his needs foremost in my mind. PRAYER is the absolute key. Thank you for these insightful words.
Yes, Pearl… you are so right. Prayer is definitely THE key. So glad you are keeping your eyes on Him during your times apart!
Carla Anne
I have never had to live apart from my husband, and since he’s a teacher he rarely even has a business trip. However, I appreciate your comments about intimacy with your spouse versus merely seeking the physical release of masturbation. I am not against masturbation, but I do think we really need to be careful about this. It can indeed take away from intimacy.
Also, the advice to pamper yourself more is right on. My family has had a fairly stressful year, and when I started taking time to pamper myself a bit (baths, music, wearing jewelry more, painting my nails or wearing lipstick), I started feeling like I had some tools for de-stressing. Now when I feel a little anxious I decide that by the evening I will do something nice for myself. It works!
It’s true. When we take care of ourselves we kind of set a time limit on how long we’re going to let the stress get to us. Good point!
Just recently my husband traveled on business. (he was back on the fifth night).
Being away from each other was hard…and that was just a few days. I cannot imagine what spouses who have to be apart for a season go through.
I admire how you handle it.
Blessings.
This is a great post. Thank you so much for the encouragement. My husband is the manager of a barge and is often called away for work. Ours is for sure a feast or famine sex life but we have managed after almost 17 years of marriage to keep love alive. It’s hard to get used the crazy schedule he keeps, but this really had some helpful tips.
Way to go! Nearly 17 years! That’s great Noel!
I’m glad you have experienced the truth that feast or famine doesn’t mean the end of successful sex. Blessings!
Carla Anne
Thank you SO so much for addressing this!! I am a military wife and feel like we – and others who deal with regular times of separation – often get overlooked in these marriage things. It is not easy at all, but you made some great points about planning ahead and talking about it.
I do want to offer an alternate opinion on masturbating while you’re separated from each other. If discussed and thoroughly prayed over, I think it *can* be a healthy option for some couples. But it must take place *only* within certain boundaries – ie, a minimum number of times, only when you’re separated for over a certain length of time, only with other’s knowledge (when it takes place, not just that it will take place), and not at all the last week or so leading up to your reunion. Obviously it is a decision each couple must make together before the Lord. Just saying it’s not always wrong for every couple, just a very gray area that must be considered very carefully.
It sounds like you and your hubby are finding ways to make a marriage apart work. I felt the same way about feeling overlooked in marriage things when my hubby was gone all the time. That’s why it was so important for me to write a book about it. There needs to be genuine discussion about how to grow a marriage when you are not together, and how to raise kids to honour a dad they don’t see every day. It’s a different life than what others experience… but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done well and to glorify God!!! Glad you found this helpful!
Hi Sheila…I am watching Dr. Oz and he is discussing the book 50 Shades of Gray. I won’t read it because I have heard it is soft core porn. All these women on the show are saying it has completey changed their lives and revved up their sex lives. I would love for you to address this and quickly because I think a lot of Christian woman are reading this. I can’t believe the long term consequences of this can be good.
Lori, to tell you the truth I’d rather not blog it by name because I think it would just cause more people to buy it :). I think I’ve posted on soft core porn before. I have thought about writing about it, but everytime it shows up in the media, even if you’re telling people “don’t read this”, more people do. So I’d rather not get specific, and I’d rather just talk about the issue in general, if you know what I mean! But thanks for thinking of it.
This is wonderful advice that can even be modified after a long DAY away, for us that do have our spouses with us. Thank you for the words!
Blessings,
Nicole at Working Kansas Homemaker
Being in a long distance relationship is very hard, especially when there are times that you need someone to comfort you or someone that wipe your tears when fall down. It is really hard.
Yes, Nicholle, I agree. Even just a few weeks ago I spoke with my husband about an home disaster that happened years ago and we talked about the fact that yes… I did handle all the details and took care of all the damage… I was there for the kids and there for reporting details to him over the phone, I was there for the repairmen and all that… but no one was there for me. It does take a toll. But it is surprising how we can learn to turn immediately to God and watch our relationship with Him grow in areas and more intimately than we ever thought possible. But yes… it is very hard.
God bless you! Carla Anne
As a former military wife, this is the first time I’ve heard anyone advocating to “Keep each other up to date on details like bills, to-do lists and the kids’ misdemeanors so you can focus more on each other when you’re together again.”
If the bills, the to-do lists, and the kids’ misdemeanors are something that your husband really wants to know about, or needs to know about, then tell him, but dealing with unnecessary stress from home can greatly decrease a soldier’s morale, and affect the unit. Nine years after DH’s deployment, he doesn’t remember the soldier’s who had loving wife’s who supported them, he remembers the one who’s wife was always calling to complain about something, and he remembers how that soldier’s personal problems affected his unit.
Being separated can destroy a marriage, but it doesn’t have to.
I’ve been encouraged recently by a friend sharing how much her marriage has grown during her husband’s deployment. She is so excited each time she gets a phone call, and that reminds her, her children, and her friends of how much she loves her husband.
She also shares how their relationship with God has grown, as they do their devotions via email, and now they have a written record of their thoughts, and of their spiritual growth. How many couples who aren’t separated share that kind of closeness?
Hi Sarah! i agree that lots of unnecessary stress from home is not good to share. What I’m talking about here is making sure all that stuff regarding bills, details, to-do lists, etc that need to be shared are shared before he comes home so you can leave the beginning of your time together as free from those things as possible. There are lots of things the don’t need to be shared. And they don’t necessarily have to be shared the minute they happen, but sharing it before he walks through the door gives him an idea of what he’s coming home to, and relieves the pressure when he does arrive of having to catch him up on all kinds of details.
The length of time a husband is gone will make a difference as well on what is shared when and how frequently. If a husband is gone 1 week a month will be different than a husband who’s deployed for 18 months. We do need to recognize that our men also want to be involved in our lives and our kids lives. So keeping them in the loop before they get home can help them feel like part of our world before they get here. And it fills in the gap so they know what to expect. No surprises – especially negative ones!
And I think you are right… if we are proactive in our relationship with our absent husbands we can have great relationships that thrive and grow us closer to God. You’ve been blessed with a great friend’s example!!
Blessings,
Carla Anne
Great post Carla Anne, and a topic that does not get enough ‘air time’ in faith circles. When my husband comes home I can relax, i’m not the only adult responsible for everything, and that short time is a huge relief. We come together with different expectations, and working on having no expectations except to enjoy each other is a challenge. A challenge worth taking up and making something special out of. I would encourage carving out special ‘two of us’ time. Even a few hours can make a huge difference in how you come together intimately. Being intimate is more than sex, of course, but for many of us it is an ever changing recipe of talk, touch and care.
Thanks Shanyn… You are right. Carving out alone time with your spouse is so important. When our kids were little our alone time didn’t and couldn’t come as soon as he got home because the kids didn’t understand that. As adults we had more patience (well… we thought we had more patience!) than the kids. But after some playing and wrestling with the kids, making sure time alone is super important.
We have lived our 4years apart and see each other around every 3 to 4 months we text and we Skype each other we talk on the phone and on FB we talk about everything and most of all about how much we love each other and what we mean to each other always listen to what the other has to say and help them anyway you can