Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week I received this question from a woman who needs some encouragement, and I know that many of you out there can give her some! She writes:
I bought and read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex – it has challenged and changed my way of thinking and I’ve expressed this to my husband and read much of it out loud to him.
But he is extremely skeptical that I am really going to change.
I really understand why he would feel this way – he has been let down SO MANY TIMES before. He half jokes that I’ve ‘cured’ his desire by my lack of enthusiasm – as he’s just not as interested as he used to be.
I want to reassure him that I mean business – that it’s not just a fad and not just hormonal, but I’m also wrestling with the fear that he doesn’t ‘want’ me that much now – though I really can’t blame him.
I don’t want to give up – I don’t want everything in our marriage to be wonderful – except sex – but can see I’ve kept us in a rut for such a long time that this is going to take time and I need encouragement from others who have been a ‘stinker’ in this area – but have changed and come out the other end with things being better than they were before even though their husbands were skeptical and wary at first. Thank you.
Now, for those of you who have gone through this in marriage (or are going through it right now), how did you change the dynamic? When did your husband start believing you? And how do you get over the resentment when you want to change, you’ve made the decision to change, but instead of being excited, your husband talks you down (which is actually natural, if he’s had disappointed hopes before).
UPDATE: I’ve written more about this topic on the blog since I first posted this question, and I thought you all may appreciate some of those posts.
Rebuilding Your Marriage After Years of Sexual Refusal
If you’re like this woman, and you’ve let down your husband a bunch in the past, and you really do want to change this time, but he has a hard time believing you–this post is for you!
Often what happens in these dynamics, too, is that HE pulls away because he’s given up. And now you’re all ready to actually do something about it, but it seems too late.
Getting Out of a Sexual Rut
You want to initiate more, but how do you do it? And maybe you’ve both stopped initiating because sex was just too tense, and now it seems to have come to a standstill, even though that’s not what you want.
31 Days to Great Sex
Want to start over, but it seems so psychologically scary–how do you start putting yourself out there when you haven’t for so long? And is he going to second guess everything you do?
Sometimes it’s easier to do if it’s part of a program, where you’re just following along with what the book says–you’re not making it up. That’s why I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex, and I think it will really help couples in this situation take the emotional pressure off, and learn to reignite their sex life again! Learn how to talk about sex, flirt more, and spice things up!