Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?

When Your Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love--4 reasons, and what to do about it
I’ve just finished 29 Days to Great Sex, leading to the release of my new book, The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. And I was talking in that series a lot about how women can come to see sex in a new way, understanding the real joy and intimacy that it can bring, so that we can desire it more often.

When I was conducting the research for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I asked women how often they made love, and who had the higher sex drive: she or her husband (along with other questions). Then I asked a bunch of guys the same thing. And while in the majority of cases the husband has the higher sex drive, in about 20-25% of marriages the woman does. So what do you do if you’re a woman, and you’re married to a guy who doesn’t want sex–or at least doesn’t seem that interested in it very often. You wonder “why doesn’t my husband want me?” What’s wrong with me?

For the next four days I want to talk about what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love.

And before we get going, I want to assure you that usually the reasons your husband doesn’t want sex have nothing to do with you–and much to do with him. Maybe he has an abnormally low sex drive; or maybe it’s some other relationship or psychological issue. We’ll talk about how to understand what’s going on better, and then give some strategies about how to deal with this.

First, I believe that God created both men and women with sex drives. We both should yearn to make love. However, in general, men’s sex drives are more physically urgent. If their bodies doesn’t get sexual release, their bodies will actually do it for them during the night periodically. And men are much more visually stimulated than women are. They are supposed to be aroused fairly easily, because it gives them an impetus to really pursue women.

Therefore, a man with a low sex drive should be a rare thing. It’s a sign that something isn’t going right. Now, it could honestly just be a variation in population. In any given population, some with have extremely high sex drives, and some will have extremely low sex drives. However, look at any bell curve and you’ll see that these extremes are very tiny. They account for maybe 2%, not 20% or 25%. So there has to be something else going on.

What could those issues be?

1. He refuses sex because he has transferred his desire elsewhere

The category that is rising the most right now are men who are not interested in sex within marriage because they’re getting release elsewhere, especially with pornography.

A man who is using porn will slowly find that it consumes more and more of his life, and more and more of his sexual energy. Porn rewires your brain to tell you that what is arousing is a picture or an image, not a real, flesh and blood person. And you often need more and more porn and more extreme porn to give you the same high that you felt when you started using it.

When men use porn, in general they masturbate as well. And so it becomes quite likely that eventually they will stop desiring their wives in the same way. That’s why the idea that porn can be exciting in a marriage is so off base. Porn steals the natural desire you have for each other, so that you stop desiring each other. Sure, you may get aroused by the porn and then act it out with each other, but that’s not really making love anymore. The source of the desire was the image, not the person, and you’re still thinking about that image while you’re with your spouse.

Now, it’s not just men who use porn; about 25% of women in my surveys had sought porn out as well. But an overwhelming majority of men had sought out porn, and it is hurting many marriages.

If your husband has a really low interest in sex, and you can’t figure out a reason for it, verify that he isn’t watching porn. Check his computer and his phone, and have a talk with him about it. Here’s a post on what to do if your husband uses porn.

2. He doesn’t want sex because he doesn’t feel like a man

A man’s sex drive is all wrapped up in his concept of manhood. When he feels like a man, he’ll want to make love. But if he doesn’t feel like a man, he won’t. And what does it take to not feel like a man? If he isn’t sure of who he is, isn’t sure of his purpose, and isn’t sure of his role, he could easily have no sex drive.

For instance, I know a woman who is walking through this right now. She married her husband a little later in life when he was working part-time. He has never worked full-time. He tends to spend his life on the couch, not doing a whole lot. He has very low motivation for anything, and doesn’t get excited about very much except video games. He isn’t very involved with his children.

When you look at his life, you can see that he doesn’t seem to have a “will” to do anything. And if you look back at his childhood, you’d see that he was rarely affirmed in anything. He was rarely told by his dad that he was doing a good job. And so he was never sure if any decisions he made, or any steps he took, were the right ones. So he simply stopped taking any. To anyone on the outside he just looks extremely lazy, but I do think there’s more going on there. I think he fundamentally was scarred.

A man can have his masculinity scarred in other ways, too. The root to his scars lie in his family of origin; but even within a marriage he could not feel like a man. Please watch how you talk to your husband. I have heard so many women constantly pick at their husbands, constantly correct their husbands, and I don’t even know if they realize they’re doing it. Make sure that when something comes out of your mouth about your husband or to your husband that it is positive. Even if you’re talking about resolving some conflict, do it in a positive way. Do not browbeat your husband.

Also, if you’ve had an affair in the past, or even if you were sexually active before marriage, your husband may feel that he can’t measure up. And that can cause some men to stop being able to perform, because they’re nervous. Finally, if you spent years in the marriage rejecting your husband’s overtures, he can shut down. If you’ve now decided that you want to change and you want to make love again, he may have a very difficult time making that adjustment.

3. His libido is low because he has low testosterone

Another big category for those with low sex drive is an actual physical issue with the hormone that causes low sex drive. If he has low testosterone, he won’t desire sex as much. But low testosterone can also be caused by other physical problems, like diabetes or even some pain and depression medication. The problem with this category is that because he doesn’t feel the need for sex, he likely isn’t upset about it, and so it can be difficult to get him to talk to a doctor about it.

Low testosterone can also be caused by addictions to alcohol, drugs, pain medication, or even gambling or video games. When something else replaces the high our brains get for sex, it can cause testosterone to shut down.

The good thing is that this category is the easiest to fix–if you can get him to talk to a doctor. We’ll discuss in the next few days how to do that.

4. He doesn’t initiate sex because he’s nervous about his performance

Finally, there’s a category that’s a combination of #2 and #3. Let’s say that a man is nervous about the relationship and nervous about whether or not you really love him. One night you make love, and he can’t keep his erection. A week later it happens again. He was already feeling nervous; he was already feeling slightly humiliated within the relationship. Then erectile dysfunction hits, or perhaps premature ejaculation, and it becomes too much to bear, and he shuts down.

Or perhaps it wasn’t the relationship that was causing him to question his manhood; maybe it was his ability to earn a living. When a guy is unemployed, or feels like he can’t support the family, he already feels like he’s not a man. If he then can’t make love, it can become a vicious spiral, where he’s afraid of trying again because he doesn’t want to fail, so he just shuts off.

I’ve received many emails from women lately whose husbands fall into one of these categories (or else into almost all of them!). And these women feel humiliated. They feel as if they must be freaks, because everywhere else in our media it says that men are desperate for sex. Why don’t their husbands want them?

The message that I want you to take from this is that it likely has little to do with you. If your husband doesn’t want to make love, it’s often an issue within him, or within how he experiences the relationship, far more than it is an issue about whether or not you are desirable.

We’ll look tomorrow at how to start tackling some of these things. But know that you are not alone, and know that it is becoming a problem that is increasingly more common. Hang in there!

If you’re in this situation, what specifically would you like to know? And do these categories resonate with you?

Follow-up posts in this series:

When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love: What You Can Do
Communicating Your Needs when your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Make Love
What To do When Your Spouse Withholds Sex

Sheila’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex talks at length about libido differences, including what to do when SHE wants sex more than he does.

Comments

  1. In mentoring couples, we have found this to be quite true. If a man says he is not interested in sex, he is usually involved in pornography. It is sad how prevalent it is but I encourage the women to continue praying for their husbands because Jesus came to set the captives free and with Him, all things are possible.
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  2. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! I don’t think that I can say this enough Sheila. I have read quite a few marriage books and a handful of sex books, but I was never able to truly get over the hump of “putting it into practice” until I started reading your blog. In the last few weeks, our marriage has been transformed and our sex life if G-R-E-A-T! Our bond is honestly better than I thought it could be, especially from where we started. I don’t know what it was that clicked, but my husband and I are so glad that it did.

    Thank you!

  3. Purple Tortoise says:

    I’d add a fifth reason — a man in the middle of his life is often very busy and stressed with work and the burdens of raising a family. He may be interested in sex but not initiate because he thinks it will take too much time and effort to get his wife revved up. Or perhaps the stress has driven sex out of his mind entirely.

    Fortunately, this is an easy problem to deal with: the wife should initiate sex with her husband. That will indicate that she is already more than half-way revved up, so sex will take less time and effort on his part. Even if sex is not on his mind at all, a woman with reasonable hygiene and weight is 100% guaranteed to get a man interested in sex in a matter of seconds if he isn’t gay, completely addicted to porn, has medical issues, or is working under a deadline that absolutely cannot be postponed.

    If women are initiating sex without success, it may be the case that they are not truly initiating. For the first several years of our marriage, my wife thought she was initiating if she gave a verbal indication or subtle cues that she was interested in sex. This is not initiating — it is merely showing availability. And if a man is preoccupied with work, indicating availability may not be enough to tip the scales. My wife took a more passive approach because she feared rejection, but ironically taking a passive approach made rejection more likely.

    Now my wife has learned that initiating means acting in a way that seems very aggressive to a woman. The goal must be to physically arouse. My wife now thinks it is fun to see how quickly she can turn my mind from 0% sex to 100% sex. And her effort works every time.

    • Good point, and I was planning on talking about this more on Day 3–when it’s a good idea, and when it’s not. But thank you for bringing it up here, and for offering a guy’s perspective!

      • Good, interesting article, but it seemed to me that the limited reasons you gave had a strongly negative bent bordering on shame and blame.There are many, many more reasons, valid and invalid, why a husband may not want sex. Some are actually similar to what women give. Some are legitimate reasons and some are sleazy excuses. (My dad said an excuse was “like sausage–the skin of a reason stuffed with a lie”.) We need to identify and differentiate between reasons and excuses.

        Let me illustrate with my own relationships, borne of hard experience. I’ve been married twice. In my first marriage, I had the stronger libido. After nearly 25 years my wife divorced me (sexual issues were not an issue, we had a good and active sex life). Her stated reason was “I just want to be happy”. I’m sure there was more to it than that.

        In my present marriage (going on 9 years) my wife has the higher desire. Two of the reasons I’m aware of are:

        1. Emotional differences. This may surprise you coming from a guy, but I’m some times reluctant when I don’t experience the intimacy in other areas of our lives. Her love language is physical touch, mine is quality time. When she becomes (or seems) less interested in me and my interests and doesn’t invest companionship time, I sometimes feel taken advantage of or just used for her pleasure. I can use this as an excuse. This is an area for both of us to communicate, grow, and change.

        2 . The difference in our gender and ages. We’re only about 2 1/2 years apart in age, but it is a general fact that as men and women age, the typical trend of “strong male libido and less-so for women” changes or even reverses as their hormones do (less testosterone for men, more for women). This was surprising and frustrating for me. I was recently diagnosed with this condition. So even though I physically “have an excuse”, it is not a legitimate reason to deny my wife.

        I hope I’ve misunderstood your message and misconstrued your intent. I just wanted to add an additional perspective.

        • What would you suggest to another wife in a similar position? We’re married for almost 3 years and right from the beginning we quickly realised I (wife) have a much higher libido than my husband. At this point it’s twice a month and it’s incredibly frustrating. I don’t know what to do. I use his love language to show love and appreciation and I know he’s happy. He just does not want sex.

    • I think this is definitely an issue for us – my husband is very driven, and finds it hard to shift out of work mode and unwind. I struggle with initiating things due to that “good girls don’t” message I received growing up. So I’m looking forward to Sheila’s suggestions on Day 3!

      • Awesome! I’ll try to come up with some good ones!

      • I believe (and after some really great talks with my husband lately, inspired by the 29-day series, thanks Sheila) that this is indeed our main issue too. My husband has a very busy job and he’s very dedicated to it, and according to him it is almost always on his mind as he can’t leave teaching music at the door of the school. We’ve made GREAT progress with me taking more initiative, which I had become scared to do early in our marriage because I was so tied up in feeling low self-worth because HE wasn’t initiating. I’m really going to look forward to more ideas, too!
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    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you for mentioning this! I think this is why my husband doesn’t initiate sex very often. He’s exhausted when he comes home from work and never feels like there’s enough time for sex and everything else he wants/needs to do. He says he thinks about sex (with me) a lot and wants to do it, but by the time he gets home from work it’s usually not his biggest priority. I’ve tried to initiate more, but I feel like if I always initiate I’ll never give him the chance to initiate. I’m always the go-getter in our marriage because he’s more laid back, so I’m always trying to let him lead and make decisions rather than jumping up and doing it myself before he even has a chance. How do I do that with initiating?

      • Purple Tortoise says:

        You’ll need to make a choice between less frequent sex that he initiates or more frequent sex that you initiate. What would you prefer?

        I wouldn’t worry that initiating sex will undermine his leadership in the marriage. I think it would instead be affirming.

        • Anonymous says:

          Thanks, that is really encouraging to know that initiating sex would affirm him, rather than make me the “leader” in our sex life. Thanks for giving a man’s perspective!

          • Totally agree. The one thing that men kept saying in their surveys was how much they loved it when their wives initiated. What we have to understand is that what men get out of sex is far more than sexual release–it’s that feeling that they are affirmed. And initiating does that. So go ahead and initiate away!

            HOWEVER, at the same time, it’s quite likely that you need him to initiate, too, for your own needs to feel desired. So I’d say initiate, because that helps him feel like a man, but also keep playing with him and talking to him and keeping the lines of communication open so you can also convey your own needs, which are very legitimate, too.

          • I need him to initiate a little bit more to feel like I am needed and wanted. And for longer then 15-20 minutes. I am a little bit tired of initiating all the time and having to do all the work. I guess that is what you get for rushing into things before you get married and he has never needed to use forplay so is totally confused that I might want foreplay.

    • I think this is becoming the main problem in our marriage, and with many friends that I speak to. The one thing that husbands with low sex drive have in common is stress. Over the last few years a few have lost jobs, others had their hours cut and really worry about providing. Not only that, not providing has an impact on his manhood and self confidence. It seems to be a vicious cycle.
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    • I completely agree. My husband doesn’t have issues 1-4 but your #5 is dead on. He’s incredibly busy with work, stressed about projects, etc. His mind is on THAT. When I finally “want some” at the end of the day after the kids are finally in bed, he’s pooped and just wants to sleep..heck, NEEDS to sleep. Like you said, I would initiate (what I thought was initiating but was actually just making myself available) and would end up feeling rejected and hurt…then angry about my crappy sex life. I began feeling like our roles were reversed since my sex drive is really high and his sometimes seemed non-existent. We talked. He learned my love language is touch (dialect in SEX, lol), and I need that from him. And I learned that he would never reject me if I could just “get him going.” He is disgusted by porn….in fact, I’d probably be more interested in porn than him!). He’s just….a different kind of guy. And I am incredibly lucky because my last husband DID have a porn problem. Nope, the thought of sex simply doesn’t OCCUR to my husband very often. He’s so wrapped up in being a good father, husband and provider. He’s a good man, we have a fun marriage….it’s just been the lack-of-sex issue (for me). He could easily go a few weeks without sex and not even notice. Me, I keep track! I notice!!! Things are better now that he is aware of my needs (love language) and now that I have accepted the fact that I need to pursue him more than he pursues me. I’ve had to learn it’s okay…especially because he won’t reject me if I make things clear to him. Communication….it’s everything.

      • Oh, and P.S. If you are a mean, cranky, irritable….complaining, controlling, criticizing, can’t be pleased, won’t accept him for who he is, don’t show and voice your love and appreciation for him and what he does….don’t expect your husband to want you sexually.Just sayin’….sometimes the wife is the problem.

    • You killed me when you said (reasonable hygiene and weight is 100% guaranteed to get a man interested in sex in a matter of seconds…)
      this is my point, my husband changed from someone who want sex every night 5 years ago to some one who is doing it once a week, he keeps saying he is busy, but on the other hand, I gained a lot of weight after giving birth for 2 boys! I always feel that he is not interested because my weight, which makes me more stressed and un able to loose that weight so easily.

      S\

      • I totally hear you on this one. My husband stopped being interested right after he proposed and then (even though I was the same weight pre-proposal and after) he went and blamed it on my weight. The thing was, when I dropped the baby weight, He still didn’t want it.

        I think that housework is a big thing for him. It’s also something that is totally unnatural to me. BUT since I’ve started attacking it more, he says he finds me more attractive. Ironically, I weigh even more now that I did when he blamed my weight.

        Even with that, it is very hard to remember that it’s not your fault. Do what you can, dress nicely with the body you have, and try to make your happiness about God and not about your husband. When you stop depending on your husband to make you happy, you can actually become more attractive, because you’re not moping and self conscious all the time. Believe me (and I think you know) this is HARD. But, it’s worth it.

        I am in the process of losing weight, but it’s going to be a long process. And you know what, that process is for me and my health. Because losing weight for my husband would only make it too stressful. The truth is that God created you, and He says that you are beautiful, so what matters is that you remember who you are in Christ, and let that shine through you. Not so that you can be proud, but so that you are not shrinking back as a person who believes the lies the world has told you that you are not worthy of love because you have trouble losing baby way.

        Keep your eyes on Jesus. To Him you are a prize. <3 To God be the glory.

    • ButterflyWings says:

      Not all men like a woman who initiates. I can say “let’s go have sex right now” and he will turn it down. Some men find a woman initiating somehow makes them feel less like a man – like initiating sex should be the man’s job. Which makes it hard when you’re married to someone who have extremely little interest in sex. When I tried to initiate every day or two, I’d be lucky to have sex once a fortnight. Now I’ve stopped trying (not on purpose – I’ve just been really unwell, including pregnancy issues where even my midwife has now told me to cut back on sex – I didn’t have the heart to tell her how little we actually do it), I’m getting getting sex once a week or occasionally three times a fortnight.

      It’s still pitifully little sex for a young couple still in their first year of marriage (two weeks from our first anniversary), but sometimes initiating more or initiating more aggressively only leads to less sex not more.

    • shineyurlight says:

      bingo. That’s my man. Workaholic. Drives me nuts. It actually depresses me. I’ve had to make plans with my girlfriends, and even same sex friends to have a life. You can sometimes only talk about it so much before you stop forming your world around it. It’s work, but hey…workaholic….we like it when you pay attention. Standing naked in front of you and being told to “hold on” while you type at the computer is a total fail!!!

    • Doesn’t work! Every day i try to put forth every effort in wanting/needing sex! I’ve done everything, bought sexy clothes, paraded around naked, felt him up, sleep naked, and nothing works! So its not for a lack of trying on this wives part. Its a husband who just doesnt have the desire to fofill his wives needs.

  4. I think point #4 is a great one. How often have women posted on here that they don’t feel like having sex because of the stress of work(or work at home), getting the kids to soccer, making nutritious meals, keeping up on the housework, etc. ,etc. So, I wonder what would happen if we had to “get it up” after stressing all day? I mean, when we aren’t “turned on” sometimes it shows and sometimes it doesn’t, but we can still have sex. A man HAS to get an erection for intercourse to work. That can be a lot to ask when you are worried about paying the bills, applying for jobs, or even trying for that big promotion or also trying to raise a family, etc. Not getting an erection because of that stress only adds to that sense of failure.

    I also think the above can lead to a lot of other marital issues, but that is besides the point.

    • I think the best thing you can do in those situations is just love him. Give him lots of empathy without smothering him with the issue, which is in itself a balancing act, but I would liken it to a woman with body issues. The best thing to do for her would be to be patient and loving, but to compliment her, but not compliment in such a way that it’s going to seem obvious that you are “just” doing it to help her.

      • I wish there was a “like” button for both of your comments, Rachel! I completely agree with both, and believe that feeling compassion for your spouse is key. My blog post linked to this comment is about that very thing, in fact.
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        • Absolutely! I, too, wish there was a like button. :o) Things got so much better for me when I focused more on him, empathizing, being more understanding of his work load, stress, need for sleep…..and when I stopped “smothering” him with the issue. Seriously, I stopped bringing it up and things changed rather quickly!

    • My husband and I were married 7 years ago after dating for several months. As of today we have never consummated our marriage. He is unable to perform and I don’t think he really wants the I intimacy. I was very hurt and angry when he refused to try or even seek some help. But I am holding to my marriage vows even though I feel our marriage is a sham. We live like a brother and sisters and don’t even sleep in the same room. how can I fight the resentfulness and rejection I feel, as I try to be a wife in name only?

      • Karla, that is so sad! I’m really sorry this is happening to you. A few thoughts occur to me: does he have trauma in his past? Or perhaps homosexual tendencies?

        I truly respect your urge to honor your marriage vows, but I would just caution against letting him live this way, because if he has a deep seated problem (which sounds likely), what he really needs is healing, not an excuse to be able to go ahead broken. I’d recommend reading this post about being a spouse vs. being an enabler and then really pray that God will send you someone to talk to and help guide you through this.

        Many prayers and blessings,
        Sheila.

        • a married man says:

          Karla, that’s devastating to hear. Please realize that there is something–or some things–very wrong with your husband…not you. Because the list of possible issues is so long, I urge you to (continue to) pray and ask God for revelation, i.e. asking God to give you some insight into what’s going on with your husband. His unwillingness to lie with you is sin, but I commend you for desire to see your marriage work. God can do all things, including letting you know why your husband refuses, and helping the two of you move toward a fulfilling and sexual marriage.

    • ButterflyWings says:

      Sex doesn’t require penetration. A man doesn’t need to have an erection to make love. And I’ve never understood the woman who say they are too stressed from general living (normal work or childrearing responsibilities). I know stress that is at the level of being a mental illness can, but anything short of that? not sure why it would put people off at least trying to have sex.

      • a married man says:

        “I’ve never understood the woman who say they are too stressed from general living”

        Please, let me introduce you to my wife, her family, her friends…and total strangers! It seems that you have an extraordinary amount of energy, a high tolerance from stress, a high sex drive, or lower than average general living responsibilities. In any of these cases Be blessed! You’re one in a million and an exception to the rule. But I urge you to gain understanding of these women because some of them are in your circle of friends/family/co-workers. I imagine that they don’t talk to you much about their stress once you’ve voiced your opinion on the subject…

  5. Pornography and regaining trust.

  6. I’m so glad you are discussing this. I have been thinking this as you have gone through the 29 days. This is the case in my marriage right now and it is very frustrating!

  7. Phyllis Bettles says:

    I am currently reading Honey I don’t have a headache—AWESOME!!!!! I was reading a christian diet book also. Over the weekend I felt God speaking to me to stop reading the diet book. I started reading your book and it just reinforced what I had already heard from God. The more of the diet book I read the worse I felt about myself and my body…By Sunday I had the devil shouting in my ear about my “deficencies” and lacks.
    Just by reading the book I don’t have a Headache, it is pointing me in the direction of loving myself as God loves me because I am his creation and He made me just how he wanted me to be….

  8. Fourteen weeks ago today my husband confessed to me that he had been doing porn on the internet… and it had been going on for SEVERAL years. This definitely affected our sex life. I had no idea what was going on all those years, but I knew that something didn’t feel right. Since then he has explained everything in terms of feeling ashamed and not wanting to initiate, not being able to initiate because he already had his release earlier in the day, etc.

    If you are going through this right now… know that you are not alone. It’s a painful experience, and it takes a while to heal. I also had to acknowledge my part in all this… don’t get me wrong, I realize that it was not my fault that he made this choice… but I could have been guarding him against those temptations. If he had felt more satisfied in our relationship (emotionally, physically, etc), it may have been easier for him to resist that temptation. Putting my kiddos first and giving my husband the leftovers definitely had a negative affect on our sex life and our marriage. We are now rebuilding our marriage and, in many ways, it has been the best 14 weeks ever!!!

    As wives, we have a great deal of power… we can lift up our husbands and help them to be all they can be, or we can beat them down. Having a healthy sex life will help make your husband feel like a man… it boosts his confidence and self-worth.

    • I want to commend you on your honesty and bravery stating that you could have guarded your husband. You are absolutely correct — the fault of his bad choices is his fault…not yours. But you are also absolutely right that a healthy sex life at home helps guard men against the daily temptation we face.

      I became addicted to pornography, and was trapped for many years until God literally reached into the filth and pulled me out before it destroyed everything. Was my wife in any way at fault for my wrong choice? No — absolutly not! But the sad part is she could have given me the strength to make the right choice. I never wanted to start looking at porn to begin with, and I tried to fight the temptation. I even tried to tell my wife that I needed to see her and have all of her — but she felt like the only “good” sexuality is extrodinarily inhibited sexuality. That only “whores” wear sexy nightgowns and only “sluts” do anything for their husbands that would be visually stimulating. She would not even discuss sexual desires, instead wanting to know what was wrong with me (ummm…I’m a man???)

      Wives — you can build one of the best defenses possible to protect your husbands from the constant barrage of wrong messages the world is throwing at us. Just like a good man who is full will not steal food, a good man who is sexually satisfied at home will not wander to others.

      • Anonymous says:

        A spouse who wanders is a coward because wandering, whether in the flesh, or with porn and images, etc., is running away from the truth of how they feel and not wanting to face their own selfishness and mistakes and pain.

        A wife can fulfill her husbands every sexual desire and emotional need and he still will cheat on her, if he’s given the opportunity, to avoid having to face his own fears, pain and selfishness.

        You can be a perfect wife – if there is such a thing, and there’s not – and it could still happen if your husband is not honest about who he is. As long as someone keeps barriers in place emotionally, you cannot trust they will protect you. Cheaters not only hurt their spouses emotionally, but they also risk their lives with STD’s.

      • ButterflyWings says:

        A good man who is full will not steal food? You’re kidding right. Looking at all the millionaires who go shop lifting. Some people still because they get a sick pleasure out of it.

        A man can have a supermodel at home who does all his housework for him, constantly praises him, adores him and has sex 10 times a day with him, and still cheat.

        I may be no supermodel, but I offered sex to my first husband any time of the day or night. We’d have sex at least twice a day and was willing to do whatever he asked, no matter how demeaning it was. Even when he outright abused me sexually, I took it because I thought that’s what a good wife was supposed to do. It didn’t stop him from seeing prostitutes on his lunch break, it didn’t stop him from having three long term mistresses (just the ones I know of) when I threw him out after he hit our daughter, it didn’t stop him from having literally hundreds of casual encounters with other women (and some with men, in particularly transesxual and transgender M2Fs).

        A man can have everything his heart desires at home – and in the case of my exhusband, he had three long term mistresses as well who were willing to have him any time of the day or night too, but that STILL wasn’t enough for him and he sought out casual encounters on top of that.

        A man can be gorging himself with his wife and still “steal food” with others.

        For some men, it has nothing to do with having a loving wife who is willing to have sex any time and do whatever her husband wants – it is about power and the thrill of sneaking around for them. They get off on doing something they know is wrong. And some men want more than any decent wife will give – such as threesomes and foursomes etc. So they seek sex elsewhere.

        Peter stop blaming women for men’s sin. A cheat will cheat regardless of what his wife does or doesn’t do.

      • a married man says:

        Peter, I agree that a sexually-responsive wife can help a responsible husband stay faithful, but no wife can prevent a man from cheating. Cheating is a choice that far too many men, Christian and non-Christian, make.

  9. My husband has low testosterone and it is a huge struggle for us, even though he is being treated for it. The biggest thing is that he just doesn’t really see sex as an issue at all; it’s as if he wants a complete marriage, but if there was no sex, he’d be fine with that. :(

    I am a Christian and love my God. However, at this time, I am struggling with being very angry with God because I am a “good girl,” raised in a Christian home and although I dated a lot before marriage (and fooled around), I saved myself for marriage and for my husband. Now I feel like I’ve been cheated or robbed. I know life’s not fair, and that there are worse things people are dealing with, but for me, I feel lonely, rejected, and bitter. He is a fabulous man, father, and husband, but it breaks my heart that he doesn’t see any need for sex in marriage. He’s not into porn, addicted to anything, etc….just apathetic towards sex. :( In a way, it’s worse, because there’s no “addiction” to stop, no “sin” to confess, nothing that can be “fixed.” Even with his testosterone levels raised to where they should be, he doesn’t really care about sex at all.

    He still makes love to me because he knows it’s something I need, but I wish it was something HE actually needed, too.

    • Amy, what you’re feeling is so natural! I’m going to deal with this more on Wednesday: how to communicate your needs to your husband, and deal with your rejection and loneliness. All I can say here is to concentrate on the things that you do love about your husband. It sounds like he is trying to meet your needs, even if it’s not the degree of intimacy that you would like. I understand that what you’re really lacking is the passion and intimacy, and I hope that I can give you some thoughts on Wednesday on how to talk to him about this.

    • AMy,
      My hubby of nearly 28 yrs has been suffering from Low T as well. He is receiving shots every two weeks. At first it was very difficult because I was not interested in sex anymore because we found out four yrs earlier that our oldest son was gay and my hubby blamed me and he withdrew blaming my family. Like we’ve got anything to do with that! Well that in turn made him lose his sex drive all together. When I tried to initiate, I was turned down therefore I was frustrated and through counseling with our youngest son I discovered that we as a couple needed counselingin a christian setting. So in November we started counseling every week very faithfully! He continues his shots and we have an awesome sex life now and have completed the 29 days here with Sheila and have read her new book already and it really puts everything we are going through in perspective with GOD! Our counselor was stunned that after only 12 sessions our sex life was on target and a huge priority in our marriage!
      I will pray for you and your hubby and I know that GOD will see you through this as well!
      God Bless!

      • While you guys are complaining about your man, I’m a man with a wife that has no interest in sex except for 4 times a year mostly when she feels guilty. We are married for almost 21 years with kids and if I could start life over I would never want to do this again.
        At times I wish I had testosterone problems so it wouldn’t bother me. She wasn’t always like this but about 4 years into the marriage it got worse and worse.
        I can’t even touch her in bed and I mean my feet just touching her accidentally…she gets angry.
        If we talk about it she is extremely angry and marriage council didn’t work.
        If I’m naked in front of her she doesn’t even see me.
        Count your blessings it could be worse…pray for us please.
        I’m not abusive, addicted to porn etc…I love my wife and kids, my wife just has no sex drive.

        • I’m so sorry about that, Jehu. Did you read today’s post and yesterday’s post, about how to communicate with her about it? I know there are many, many men in your situation, and I know how difficult it can be. You can’t change another person, but I’ve tried to give some thoughts as to how to at least talk in a productive way about it. I hope that helps, and I hope that she can long for intimacy one day.

        • Sadly, Jehu, a lot of women are ashamed about sex. Especially if they had sexual relations before their marriage. The best book I’ve read about it is, “Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual” by Dr. David Clarke. It tackles these issues from a Christian perspective. Maybe your wife would at least be willing to read it? I don’t know. Some women just don’t like sex period. I can’t personally relate to that, as I love sex; and thankfully, I am blessed to have a husband who loves to oblige me. But my heart definitely goes out to you, because a lot of my personal women friends just don’t like sex, and I see how it really negatively affects their marriages. God bless you Jehu! I will pray for you and your wife today.

        • Jehu…when did you start having children? Seems like a lot of women have children and their sex drive plummets from the change in hormones, the exhaustion of motherhood, feeling unattractive because bringing babies into the world changed their bodies…. I empathize with your frustration because I don’t have any of these problems and have wanted to tell my husband (who has a low sex drive), “Do you realize how lucky you are? Do you know how many men wish they had a wife like me?!” Of course it’s only out of frustration that I think that. I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for you to go that many years with a lacking (or non-existent) sex life. Good men are hard to find….I wish women would just give that gift to their husbands because a good man isn’t going to find it elsewhere. It’s like a prison sentence for the one who isn’t getting that physical closeness/release from the only person they CAN get it from (because they are a faithful spouse). I’ve told my husband…YOU determine MY sex life….because I would never, ever be unfaithful. It doesn’t feel fair when you are faithful and love your spouse and they won’t be intimate for whatever reason. For many women, they just need to dive in. Hopefully you are doing all the right things to warm her up….helping with the children, giving her romance, helping around the house, tackling that “honey-do” list, being patience and understanding of her moods/feelings. I swear, my husband is a saint….maybe that’s why I constantly want to pounce him?? :o) But yes, you may be doing everything right and she may have some deep-seeded issue….or she may just need to make the choice. You know, like Nike says…Just DO it. Sometimes my husband isn’t in the mood but once we get going, he gets into it. Maybe she just needs to get started whether she feels like it or not and then she’ll be surprised to discover she is enjoying herself. Ladies, wake up! Sex isn’t a chore….it’s a way to get closer to your man, relaxes you and helps you sleep better! And if you end up having an orgasm…um, hello…why would you refuse that?!!

          • I couldn’t agree more, Elle…mostly the part about feeling like your husband is the one who determines your sex life. That is how I feel.
            I’ve always been faithful to him but it is a struggle. I understand that he is stressed from work, but our relationship is strained.
            He seems to have the energy to exercise and to watch sports on TV for hours on end. But when it comes to being intimate with me? Nope! It makes me feel ugly, rejected and miserable.

            Many months will pass by where he doesn’t touch me. I’m actually trying to remember the last time it happened. There has been no sex in months…only once this year, if memory serves me right. We will be visiting my in-laws for about 3 or 4 days and it will be painfully boring.
            I know what will happen…he will be watching sports with his father in another room while I will either be left alone for hours or made to sit with his mother just to have some company. And then he won’t really acknowledge me until he wants to finally go to sleep, plus we have to sleep in separate beds when we stay with his parents because his mother is extremely religious, despite us being married.

            I love him dearly but being in a sexless marriage is tough. :(

        • I could share that as a child, I was taught that sex was unchristian, dirty, filthy. I was not even allowed to swim with boys in a pool. In other words, I felt ugly, filthy for anyone to see my body .I was also made to “pull down my pants to get spankings.” So standing nude before a husband is shameful.

    • Amy, how are things now?

    • I know you wrote this a few months ago but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. I have exactly the same situation and it kills me. He just doesn’t feel the need for sexual contact. He will have sex with me if I start it but in order to get him to start something it takes me literally braking down in tears feeling unloved and unwanted before he will do anything. And then it doesn’t really count because I feel like I forced him to do it out of guilt. I long for the feeling that he needs me and can’t keep his hands off me, but at this point I don’t think I will ever get it. Sometimes I worry that this could end our marriage and no matter how many times I talk to him (which isn’t easy) he doesn’t see the problem. It’s just not something that is important to him.

      • I’m so sorry, Jessica. That’s so hard. If there’s any way that you could have him get his testosterone level checked that may be a really good idea, because it isn’t normal to have no sex drive at all, or to find sexual contact unnecessary. It’s too bad that he’s choosing to miss out on something that is so wonderful in marriage! I pray that God will give you peace and fulfillment anyway.

        • Jessoca says:

          Our fourth anniversary just passed on the 19th of May. I had given him one more last chance about six months before that with the deadline to make things change by our anniversary or I was done. I don’t know if he didn’t believe me (cause to be honest, I have threatened it a few times) but he didn’t even start to start trying to try until the day after I filed the divorce papers. It’s pretty quick in Texas so it will be final in about a month.

          I have spent a lot of time hating and resenting him because of this. If he would kiss me one day, that was enough (in his mind) to hold me over for a few months. It’s been months now since we have had sex. I sometimes try to remember what it felt like to have a man run his fingers over my body or kiss my neck or something and I usually end up in tears because I can’t even remember. It has been over four years since I have felt that.

          I have spent that longest time feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t good enough or sexy enough or skinny enough or whatever. He has even told me before that when I was “perfect” he would show me he loved me. I hate him so much, almost as much as I love him. I had a breakthrough today though and my husband agrees with me based on the research I was doing. We think he is asexual. It said it is present in 1% of the population so that is really not even that rare. It still means that we will have to go through with the divorce but it means that I can stop hating him. This isn’t his fault and it isn’t my fault. I can move on knowing that no amount of last chances would ever make things better so I don’t have to live with “what if’s”. I finally feel like I have a valid reason for a divorce so I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. He has been to a few doctors, it took a lot of work to get him there, and no one found anything wrong. Even if it were to be that this isn’t the case, I don’t want to know. This gives us a way to end it where it is no one’s fault and we know that we gave it all we could. He said he is going to do some research to see if there is some way we can make this work, other than an open marriage which neither of us are open to, but I don’t have any hopes for it.

          I am sorry for writing so much but I am just so happy today. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I finally know it wasn’t me, it would have been any woman he was with. This isn’t the happy ending I was hoping for but I it is an ending and I am happy that I can finally move on. He is a really great man and I truly hope that one day he can find a really great woman, who also has no desire for any type of physical contact, to be with. It makes me really sad to think of him alone. Anyway, I hope maybe my realization can help someone else find a little peace too.

          • Yes, some people can definitely be asexual. I still wonder if there must be something else at play below the surface, but I don’t know enough about it. I’m so sorry that you went through this, but I pray that you can find true intimacy.

      • maureen says:

        Dear Jess, am so sorry to hear about ur problem
        I wish we can be friends, because I am going thru
        The same problem with my husband I initiate sex and
        Sometimes I have to cry our my eyes for him to be moved
        To sleep with me, then that makes me feel bad that I have
        Once again manipulated him and he never desires me. This makes
        Me sad, very sad and heartbroken. Please I need all the help
        And advice I can get becos I have been married for four years
        And I pray God will not allow me commit adultery. Pls help me.

        • Maureen, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and it is not okay that someone decides that they aren’t going to make love. I’ve written more about this here and here. I hope those help you! Blessings,
          Sheila.

      • So it has been over a year since I posted this and I just felt like coming to update on my situation. Things have only got worse. It’s come to the point that I resent him so much for withholding this need from me, along with other things that basically come down to the fact that his idea of intimacy is saying “I love you too” when I tell him first, that I no longer even consider us married. We are still legally married and he says that he wants to work things out but for me there is nothing to work out, it’s finished. He has been trying to be sweet and leaving me notes once in a while but to be honest, I like the attention but it’s not really having an effect. I don’t even want him to hug me or touch me in any way anymore. I don’t know what he thought he was going to get, a wife that was devoted and unconditionally loved him and doted on him forever without him having to show her any love in a way she was going to understand it? I am still married to him so I am not going to cheat on him but sadly I have turned to porn to take care of my needs and every time I watch it, I cry afterward and I hate him a little more for driving me to this. I have done everything I can for this man but I never felt loved in return and he could never understand that. He told me he was going to go the the doctor after we get the tax return this year and see if they can help but I just can’t bring myself to care anymore. He told me once something along the lines of he will only have sex with me if I am good enough (not in bed but if I “behave” to his satisfaction), which is messed up. I hope the rest of you are having a more successful time with your men.

    • Responding to Amy.. my situation is like hers. Also raised to ”save myself’ for marriage and believed it would be an adventure we would share. Now it seems we’ve had kids, I AM fatter (trying to deal with it) and yet it is not just my weight – he has never been that interested, even when I was thin and much younger. I also feel cheated and that I am living with a nice man as though he is my brother, rather than my husband. And yet one cannot speak about this to anyone… I love him and he loves me, he is just not that interested, never has been, he DOES panic about his performance (he denies this at times but he breaks out in a sweat so I can tell when he is panicking!) I have NEVER mocked him or blamed him and I cannot understand why he is so lacking in trust that after 25 years he cannot be honest about what is bothering him. I feel totally cheated and robbed of a fulfilling life and I feel that he is being selfish.

    • Wow Amy and Jessica…My words EXACTLY! We got married in April and it was a struggle to wait until our wedding night so I KNOW at one time he was attracted to me and enjoyed sex but since then, I can count how many times we’ve had sex (usually because my feelings got hurt, and only if I initiate) :( And my “love language” is TOUCH so I feel unwanted AND unloved (although I KNOW he loves me and is a WONDERFUL man, even if we are more like roommates and I feel cheated!)
      He told our counselor that “we’re not trying to have a baby, so what’s the point of having sex” and that making out was “boring and repetitive” to him. :( He also said Victoria’s Secret lingerie just looked like pajamas to him! Ha!
      It is very difficult on me and he is the ONLY ONE who can meet this need.
      (He IS having his testosterone levels checked so I know I need to be patient but I hear all the negative things about hormones and how it’s “not the same feeling” for men. I’m doubtful or maybe just trying not to get my hopes up.)

      • I couldn’t sympathize with Jennifer any better. I am a man who has failed to perform and don’t feel any desire to have sex with my wife. As I have been searching the web for different reasons why this is the case, I feel that I have found a few. I have had a past with pornography and I am extremely ashamed of that. I met with a counselor who helped me understand why I looked at porn and have been clean for SEVERAL months, almost a year. My wife and I talked about this before we got married and she was very supportive and such a strength for me- I’m so grateful. Before our marriage, it was difficult to keep ourselves clean, although we did and were very very strict on curfews and making sure that we only kissed. However, I have only been married for a short month and I find my sex drive wavering. I feel that I am unable to communicate my thoughts and feelings with her about what is stressful for me in our relationship, wanting to simply discuss the matters rather than pointing fingers, but she gets very offended and storms out of the room. Because I haven’t started working yet (I just graduated and start work in a week) I stay at home, cleaning and organizing our new home, and have been working on different projects, but these things go unnoticed by her. I feel that I am a roommate to her and the only time she wants to talk with me is when she’s feeling the urge to have sex with me. I’m tired of feeling like a sex object to her, and have told that to her, but she was bewildered and kicked me out of the car. What can I do? How can I perform when there is NO way I could possibly get an erection from one who makes me feel like this? I want to show my love to her, and I try to do my very best, but I feel that she isn’t proud of me, doesn’t want to be with me and is not willing to communicate with me at all. PLEASE HELP

        • I feel your pain brother. In my 2nd marriage I’ve had similar experiences, thoughts, and emotions. Don’t let her actions control your actions/reactions. The only person you can change is you, but as you change (for the better)(or worse) that will affect the relationship. That may or may not foster change in her for the better, but that really shouldn’t be a primary goal. Be the best you can be before the Lord and He WILL be what you need. Don’t measure your worth by her or anyone else’s standard (including your own) other than God’s.

          Let me recommend Gary Thomas’ book, “Sacred Marriage”. Good stuff, hard stuff. If I can be of any help, please feel free to contact me at dloops@dwx.com.

          One lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes God blesses us in ways we don’t enjoy. However, the problem isn’t that God is mean-spirited. The problem is with our “enjoyer”. We often think that all that is good is pleasant, and all that is pleasant is good. Not so much.

    • a married man says:

      You have an extraordinary husband. Please accept his physical condition and don’t be angry at him because of his hormone levels…it’s not his fault. He obviously loves you: he’s taking injections to increase his testosterone levels…which many men would refuse to do because they hate shots, because they feel they’re “man” enough without the need for drugs, etc. Also, he is making love with you, even though he has no urge to, and probably much less than you’d like (Welcome to the husband’s world, where 75% of us have a greater libido than our wives).

      Please, I urge you to see each and every one of your husband’s sex acts as a sacrificial gift he’s giving you. He may never “want to,” but he is doing (by his actions) that which he can control. I’m sure there are things you do for him that you don’t necessarily “want” to do (washing dishes, cooking, taking kids to the doctor, working?). Give your man a break. Your marriage isn’t perfect, but neither is anyone else’s. And unlike many women in this blog, your husband is doing what he can to meet the needs of his wife.

    • I’m about two years late to this party, but THANK YOU, Amy. Even though my husband hasn’t been diagnosed with low T, I know he has it. He has every symptom, including occasional ED. He won’t even go to the doctor, though, because he doesn’t see it as a problem. As long as we’re still having sex every couple of weeks, he’s fine. But I don’t see it like that. He acts as though having sex is a chore, like if he had the choice, he’d never do it. And he’s only 43. He tells me he “just doesn’t think about it.” But we’ve only been married for 2 1/2 years and he used to think about it all the time. It’s very, very difficult to not think it’s my fault. I took to snooping on him because I thought that, for sure, there was some reason why he didn’t want me. Maybe porn, maybe another woman. There’s nothing. He would have to be the sneakiest man on earth to hide this stuff from me (I’m quite the detective) and I haven’t found one bit of evidence. He just doesn’t care about sex anymore. I feel like God is punishing me because I used to be very promiscuous. Now that I can have sex without sin, I can’t. It’s only adding to my insecurities and making our marriage worse. But he acts as though it’s no big deal and that I shouldn’t be upset about it.

    • Amy,
      This is a duplicate of my life. I feel your pain. My husband also has low T, this has been going on for years. We have been together 14 years. The only time sex was good, was in the dating stage. He was diagnosed in his later 20’s (27). I feel so rejected, inadequate, and hopeless at times. Especially when some of my friends, magazines all point to the woman having low desire. I initiated for years, and he would sometimes respond with “duty sex” . I always felt like it was forced on my part, so after the sex, I felt even lonelier. We even had to go through I fertlity to have our daughter. Which is a whole set of another emotions. We have been going to counseling, it has helped somewhat. But like your husband he is on low t meds, and still not much of sex drive. I would like another child, but I feel trapped because I panic at the thought of costly infertility treatments. But I know you probably cannot get pregnant with only sex a couple times a year.

  10. I am so glad someone knowledgeable and respectable is coming out and addressing this issue. When I got married, five years ago, I never realized I was (we were) in for this sort of thing. Seeing as how we “saved ourselves” for marriage, I thought it would all be easy-peasy, piece of pie.

    After five years, we have made some great strides, and are finally starting to enjoy a really great level of intimacy, regularly — and I give all credit to God! He has faithfully shown us both areas in which we need to concede to the other, and He has revealed other, “deeper” issues that are at the root of the whole mess.

    There is hope, GREAT hope — but for us, it was a slow, painful process. But now, we are so grateful and recognize the blessing that it is to be physically intimate with one another! :)

  11. I think I went off on a tangent…I wanted to add that when I first started looking for help — there was NOTHING said about this topic. That was only 5 short years ago, glad to see this is coming to the surface, and HOPE is rising!

  12. “Also, if you’ve had an affair in the past…”

    “Finally, if you spent years in the marriage rejecting your husband’s overtures…”

    “The message that I want you to take from this is that it likely has little to do with you. It’s often an issue within him, or within how he experiences the relationship, far more than it has to do with whether or not you are desirable.”

    So what I am hearing you say is it is the husband’s issue(s), not the wife’s issue(s)? Pretty much ever.

    As a man, I am going to have to disagree. Those things are called consequences from the wife’s actions. This, “…he can shut down. If you’ve now decided that you want to change and you want to make love again, he may have a very difficult time making that adjustment.” is a consequence of the wife’s actions. A consequence of her rejecting the “man she loves” possibly for years or a consequence of her having an affair. Certainly, you are right, that the man now has to deal with those issues but he would never have had to deal with those issues if his wife had been doing what she should have been doing from the start.

    That is just holding someone accountable to do what they said they would do when they made those vows. That is just holding someone accountable to do what they said they would do when they said they would be faithful and love their spouse.

    I have been reading your blog off and on for awhile and it seems that you are consistently soft on women, never really holding them accountable for their choices / actions. I will be reading more, as well as the older posts and look forward to being proven wrong.

    • Abby Jensen says:

      ROI,

      While I haven’t read enough to testify whether or not this author is easy on women, it is clear that she writes to women, and understands what women need to hear. This is directed at women who want to fix their love life, but is finding resistance from husband. A woman who is repentant of what she is done in the past deserves forgiveness. It is just as wrong for a man to hold bitterness towards his wife as it is for her to sin against him.

    • So you’re saying that if I’ve made a mistake, done something wrong, caused my husband to become angry for some reason, then he can withhold all affection and sex to “hold me accountable”; to “teach me the consequences of my actions” ?!? I did not ever cheat on my husband. I was/am not into porn; my sin is that I got pregnant from mutually consentual sex and he was mad b/c *he* didn’t want a baby right then. My sin was that I chose to use credit cards unwisely and ran up a large debt trying to feel loved and needed b/c he would have nothing/little to do with me. For the credit card debt, I apologized and have tried to make amends- I live within his very limiting budget, I have no access to any money other than the cash he gives me for groceries, I can only have $20-25 for gas in the vehicle I drive each week so that limits where I can go, I don’t get new clothes and shoes unless I am able to sell things I have to buy them or unless I can save up enough change to go to the goodwill or other thrift store sales to buy something. I have offered to get a job but he won’t let me. And on top of all that he’s allowed, its reasonable, even acceptable for him to punish me by taking away from me the things he knows I want most? How is that loving? I keep washing his clothes and folding them and putting them away, hanging them up, cleaning his bathroom and making sure he has clean towels every day, cleaning the house, cooking the meals, raising the children pretty much alone b/c he has MUCH more important things to do, I take his verbal spewing about how selfish and wicked, sinful and empty I am, I listen to how stupid and insane I am, I hear how there’s something morally wrong with me, how he won’t pray for me b/c that’s something I need to do for myself, how self-centered I am, how I think only of myself and on and on and on. And I keep doing my job of keeping the household running and raising the children and still find time to do little nice things for him to show that I care about him, and he’s ALLOWED to treat me this way to hold me accountable? To show me the consequences of my actions? What about the consequences for *his* actions pray tell? Sorry, but you’ve hit a real sore spot for me.

      • I don’t know what anyone else is saying, but I say, “NO WAY!” Withholding sex is not biblical. Paul teaches we should not withhold sex except for an agreed upon time of prayer and fasting. So, no. It is not right for your husband to withhold sex as a punishment. And vice-versa, too.

      • Amythest,
        You are in an abusive relationship and you know it. Knowing it is the first step toward healing. Seek counseling with your husband. He is overly controlling and angry. The bible does not condone abusive relationships and you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes physical. Before your children grow up thinking this is how their marriage is supposed to be.

        Good luck, God bless and be careful.
        A L recently posted…Irresponsible or Offensive CharactersMy Profile

    • ROI…while you made some valid points, let’s try to avoid placing the blame entirely on either husbands or wives. A marriage/relationship is about TWO people and BOTH must work on keeping things in harmony.

      In my situation, I have never rejected my husband. I am the one who is always initiating and making advances. He never makes a move to be intimate with me unless he feels like it, which is about once a year.
      I’ve never had an affair or been unfaithful either. There was a male acquaintance who showed sexual interest in me but I firmly let him know that I’m married. So my husband has no reason to reject me or shut me out on those grounds, because I did nothing wrong. And I say this as a woman with a wild past before I ever knew my husband….it has taken a lot of love and self-control to stop me from acting out and meeting my physical needs. What does that tell you? That I don’t want to hurt him, despite my very real human desire for intimacy.

      Also, it isn’t right to withhold sex and affection in a marriage…this is why communication is important. If a person is unhappy with their spouse for whatever reason, they need to talk about it instead of shutting down out of resentment.

  13. I am feeling so much better reading these posts. This site has been such an encouragement to me since I found it two weeks ago. I bought the Good Girls Guide to Great Sex the first day it was out. I am married to a much younger man who has no sex drive at all but is a total video game fanatic. We have had many talks about this, and while he sees no correlation between nightly gaming and our lack of intimacy this post has gotten me to at least get him to go to the Dr. and have his testosterone checked and talk about underlying issues that could be contributing to his lack of drive. It has given me words I needed in order to address a few things, as well as back up material – when I feel he is ready – to read over with him and discuss. Thank you for being frank, honest and giving me hope that this truly is an issue we can work on together. I don’t want to lose my desire, from his lack of desire, and have a passionless marriage. Thanks

    • Roja, tune in tomorrow, because I’ll be talking about how to really talk to your husband about this! And the key is exactly what you said: you don’t want to have a passionless marriage. Glad you’re finding this useful!

  14. awesome article…i would like to know more about issue #2 idk if my hubby is involved i porn…he deletes his history pretty frequently and i have asked him if he is he always says no.
    thanks for writing this!

    • Gia, if your husband is deleting his internet history, and is spending a lot of time on the computer, that doesn’t bode well to me. Especially if he’s not interested in sex. Do you have any kind of older mentor couple, or accountability partners? Some churches encourage men to find other men they can go out to coffee with once a week or so to ask honest questions about stuff like this. That may be something useful to look into. And I would definitely continue the conversation about why he’s deleting the internet history!

    • I would install an invisible keystroke tracker on the computer to find out once and for all. I did that with my ex husband after his many denials and I discovered lots of lies. Porn addicts are ashamed and tend to lie/get defensive/cover their tracks. Our internet history was constantly wiped clean….it was because of porn.

  15. My husband has diabetes and sleep apnea- it makes for very low sex drive he is always exhausted- But he does enjoy it if I initiate- which I have been doing a lot more of- cheers!

    • I have to initiate every time and he rejects me often saying he’s too tired or has too much to do. I’m done initiating. I’ve decided that I’ll just have to take care of myself as I wait for him to want me.

  16. Nicholle Olores says:

    Great post as always, I am not married to anyone but I believe it would help when I am getting married soon. Well, anyway I had read several articles about this and you had the same thoughts about it. Thanks a lot for sharing this!
    Nicholle Olores recently posted…Timber Entry DoorsMy Profile

  17. This is an issue in our marriage, too. For starters, he has a lower drive than me. Plus, he leaves for work very early in the morning, and therefore goes to bed early. And no matter how hard we try, we cannot seem to get our 3-year-old daughter to sleep before him (we start the bedtime process at 7:30; she sometimes doesn’t fall asleep until 11). On those times when he does want sex (or the times when I initiate), it’s not unusual for him to decide that it’s too late after daughter falls asleep and put it off for the next day, or the next. And by the time we get to it, he’s usually so desperate that it doesn’t last very long and not much time is spent on me. It’s… frustrating. And being forward on my part doesn’t seem to matter a bit unless he’s already in the mood. Anything less than a week after having sex, I can waltz in front of him naked and it’s as if he doesn’t see me. *sigh* I wish I knew how to make things better.

    (BTW, I know it’s not a porn problem. Just thought I’d make that clear.)

    • Leigh, I know what it’s like to have a kid that makes things difficult by not going to bed on time. We have a baby now that for the longest time wouldn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm and sometimes 11. We were eventually able to get her sleep cycle adjusted to where she goes to bed around 9. Since you have a 3-year-old, my suggestion is to get her ready for bed (bathed, in pj’s, read a story, etc) and simply tell her that it’s bedtime and she must stay in her bed. She doesn’t have to be asleep, but she must stay in bed. Be firm and consistent. Have a bedtime (say 8:30 or 9) and show her that the clock says it’s time for bed. She can’t get up any more or she will get a spanking (or whatever discipline you use – just don’t give her attention after bedtime or she will keep getting up). If she gets up, discipline her and put her right back in bed without cuddling or any other attention. Better yet, make her walk back and get in bed herself. Do it as many times as necessary until she falls asleep. If you are consistent (and if she doesn’t get too much sleep during the day), I guarantee, she will learn to go to bed earlier (probably within a couple weeks). Once she knows that she has to stay in bed, she’ll be likely to simply let you tuck her in and go right to sleep. It’s better for a child to have a regular and early bedtime anyway (makes them happier, healthier, and more secure). But when the evening is the best time for making love to your husband, it’s especially important for her to go to bed on a schedule.

      • Charity says:

        Leigh, just to add to what Lindsay said which was really great advice, I would stop giving your daughter a nap during the day. If she absolutly has to have one then only let it be for 30 min to an hour early in the afternoon. I stopped giving my son a nap around three years old because I found that when I gave him a nap he wasn’t tired until 10 pm. My son goes to bed every night around 8 pm and wakes up around 7 am.

    • And get a babysitter! Perhaps even an overnight one if you can? Surprise him with a hotel stay, or if you can’t afford it, send the kids to a friend or family’s house for the night. Surprise him…coming home from work to just YOU, no kids.

  18. Leigh, I’ve been in your exact same shoes. I’d suggest you ask your husband to have his testosterone checked. It has helped for us.

  19. Sanderella says:

    I think the percentage of women using pornography is actually higher than cited because most statistics fail to include romance novels. We must remember that just as men are more visually stimulated, women are more emotionally stimulated. Just as visual pornography creates an unrealistic expectation in men, emotional pornography creates an unrealistic expectation in women. We must be very careful with the entertainment we allow to shape our outlook. Romantic comedy anyone?

  20. My husband must be in the two percent.
    Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex once that was our wedding night. It only lasted maybe 10 minutes. after we we’re done he slept out on the balcony of our hotel. I was left crying almost all night. Also that was the last time we were in bed together. He wouldn’t go on our honeymoon, I had to cancel that. He just wanted to go home so he could get some sleep because he was going to work and he moved to the midnight shift. Also he moved himself down to the basement and set up house keeping. We hadn’t been married 72 hours and I was alone. I tryed to go back home but my parents wouldn’t let me, they said you married him and now its your problem. I really couldn’t leave him because I had no where to go, so I stayed. Now here I’m in my mid 60s and still confused, depressed, upset, and hoping GOD will take me away from all this .

    • Decaf i just wanted you to know that ive read what you wrote and i am praying for you. ive only been married 8 months so really dont know a lot about marriage but i know how important it is to know people are praying for your marriage. i feel like God has a lot of love to pour out over you. i am reminded of Zephaniah 3:17 ‘For the Lord your God has arrived to live amoung you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.’ i hope you dont find that condescending , i just felt like if id written something like that id want to know someone had read it and was praying. Blessings!

  21. While I appreciate all the possibilities of why my husband never wants to have sex, I noticed my issue isnt here. He had an affair with a beautiful size 4 blonde 23 year old after catching him and the affair ending, he has no interest in me at all. Basically stays for our daughter he had sex regularly twice a week or more with her but bately anages once

    • Elle, that’s so tough! I’ve written about that problem here. It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage, and that’s a difficult thing. There aren’t any quick fixes. But what I’d say is don’t try to start with sex; try to start with friendship. If you can rebuild trust and goodwill, often the sex will follow. So while I’m sure you feel very rejected and hurt, try to focus on doing things together–anything–that you can laugh together about. Try to find ways to take up new hobbies, or just go for walks, or rebuild. It’s the emotional intimacy that you’re going to need before the sexual intimacy can come. I hope that helps!

    • I’m there with you, Elle. First time my husband lost interest, I thought it was work and ministry troubles. Then I thought porn. Turns out it was an emotional affair (affair with everything but intercourse). We tried counseling and sort of had a “go along to get along” relationship. Then the sex really slowed down – even when I initiated, I was turned away. I thought it was age or low testosterone or the troubles at work or his extreme busyness or maybe porn. Turns out to have been a full-blown romantic and sexual affair with another woman.

      He gave her up, stayed with us for the kid’s sake, he’ll have sex if I initiate, but I never am touched or given release – I do all the work, he gets all the sex. He refuses to complement me or say he loves me or go out with me. I wonder if this is the story of the rest of my marriage – polite coexistence.

      Trying to believe that God loves me and wants me and accepts me – hard when your spouse does not. And hard to trust that all this is for my best and God’s glory. Praying for you and your marriage – hopefully God will restore the emotional intimacy to your relationship.

      • I’m sorry to hear this, ladies…I fear that this might be one reason my husband isn’t having sex with me anymore. I’ve asked him to be honest with me more than once. I’ve asked if there is somebody else and he denies it. He says he is too busy to cheat, but you know what? I’m not sure I believe that because if a person wants to cheat they will MAKE time to do it.

        All I know is something really weird is going on. I have no real way of finding out what it is. If he is being unfaithful, he has been very discreet about it. We don’t have children because he doesn’t want them and we don’t have much money.
        I can’t ignore this uneasy feeling. He seems to have lost all attraction towards me. I feel in my heart that another woman is a part of the problem…I just need proof.

  22. I just got married to my wonderful husband a month ago and in that time we have made love about 5 times. Mind you for about 5 days I had ‘that time of the month’ but still …. and out of those 5 times I have not climaxed once. I told him I haven’t but once he is done .. WE are done.

    Before we were married we really struggled with this. We both wanted to ALL the time. Every time we got together we would talk about it .. how we couldn’t wait to be married so we could all the time. Now we are married and it doesn’t happen.

    I want to and think about it numerous times a day. I look at him and want him so badly. Every time he touches me .. even just holding my hand .. I want to run up to the bedroom. And he used to be the same way. I try to let him know. I go to bed wearing nothing and he covers me with a blanket and goes to sleep. Before we were married this would have drove him crazy ! I touch him and tell him how much I love him and how attracted I am to him. I try to dress the way he likes. I workout and run. Mostly for me but also so that he will like how I look.

    I am so so sad. I looked forward to marriage for so many reasons but this one thing is making me second guess everything. I try to push the desire away .. I want to make myself not want to. I want it to go away. Lately, I have been thinking really bad things about other men. That if it was another man he would ‘want’ me all the time. That if I had married ‘so and so’ we would make love all day and night. But it’s not those men that I want. It’s my husband. I love him so much. He’s the one that completes me and the one I long for.
    My friends husbands want to have sex constantly and it’s my friends (the women) that don’t. What is going on ? I feel unwanted and unattractive. I feel ugly. My husband used to tell me and show me how badly he wanted me. He doesn’t anymore. I want to get in my car and drive away from this. I just don’t understand.

    • Heather, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this so soon after your marriage! Marriage is a really huge adjustment, and often there are big disappointments at first, and it takes a few years to really feel connected. That’s honestly not unusual.

      However, if you were all over each other before you were married, and now he seems really uninterested, I’d just work through the list in this post and make sure everything’s okay. Is he using porn at all? Do you have access to his computer and you can check? I’m not saying he absolutely is, it’s just that often this is the root of many of these sorts of problems. And I’d also just talk to him openly about what’s going on. Cultivate a friendship so you can laugh together, but then do talk to him about these issues. Ask if you can have a talk, maybe once a week, where you check in and really go over how you’re both feeling in the marriage.

      Finally, it would be a really good idea to join some sort of a newlywed Bible study or something like that, so that you could both learn about marriage together. I hope that helps!

    • Heather, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ll walk around with little or nothing on and get NO REACTION whatsoever! And yeah, it seems every woman complains and says it’s such a bother and I have the exact OPPOSITE problem! I know our issue is probably low testosterone since he recently started several protein shakes and such, but until we get it worked out, this twice a year thing is NOT okay!!! :(
      I hear ya girl!

  23. My husband also has a lower sex drive than I do. I have gained about fifteen pounds since we got married, and I can’t help but blame myself. We still have sex, and we both initiate. But I know he accesses porn, and even if he isn’t accessing porn (he tries to stop occasionally), he masturbates. I feel like he doesn’t desire me.
    I don’t know how to talk to him. When I do, he feels guilty without seeing any possible solution, and I start feeling insufficient. We are best friends and have no other problems in our marriage. And we do still have sex four or five times a week. I don’t know what to do.

    • Oh, Angela, that’s so sad! And 15 pounds is nothing. Seriously. You are not the cause of him using porn. Really.

      If you’re both Christians, I’d really think about talking to a Christian mentor about this, or ask a couple if they can come talk to you together. If he’s not a believer, then it’s a little more difficult, because he may not see anything morally wrong with it. In that case, I’d try to keep working on your friendship, which it seems like you do have, so that you can keep communicating and talking.

      I know it’s really rough, but you are not to blame. Most men honestly do separate the two in their heads–wife and porn. They don’t see one as affecting the other, even though it does. So he honestly likely doesn’t mean it against you, not that this makes it easier (or right). If you can really talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel, that would be the best first step. Then bring in a mentor or someone who can support you both.

      • Sheila, we are both Christians. We’re in an odd place because we don’t really know any committed Christians who we could talk to. We have relatives (not an option) who are Christians, and most of our friends are not Christians and would see this as a non-issue.

        He does see me as completely separately from masturbation, and he says he still finds me desirable. I can talk to him about the situation and how it makes me feel, and I try once in a while, but nothing changes. I don’t think he would have any interest in talking to someone outside of our marriage about this, and I honestly don’t know what I can do or say. I know he loves me, and we are so happy with our life together.

        • Angela, I think you have two choices then. You can pursue this, which likely involves bringing in a third party to talk to him. Or you can decide that you’re going to continue in the relationship regardless. I’m honestly not sure what is the best course of action. You’ll have to really pray over it. But one thing you can’t do is live in this limbo where you’re really upset and hurt but nothing changes. So I’d just pray and ask God to give you a peace–either to escalate to the next level or to decide to drop it. I can’t say which is right. I do think that porn is extremely serious, and OFTEN (though not always) it escalates. But if it’s just occasional, and he really isn’t going to change, then you need to decide if you’re able to live with it.

          I’m sorry that’s not more help. I know you’re in a really tough situation. I just pray that God will show you clearly what you should do.

  24. I just want to thank you for being a light in the dark when I’ve felt like no-one understands this problem.
    Our sex stopped immediately after our marriage and since then (1.5 years now) I haven’t been able to show to him how important this is to me without him becoming too defensive to communicate or accusing me of being too demanding sexually. As it stands, we’re intimate (on average) once every 3 or 4 weeks which is about how long it takes me before I break down and he obligingly fulfills my need.
    I’m not sure about the other woman here but, for me, the biggest struggle has not been physical desire but the feeling that my whole hearted love and devotion is not enough. That my husband doesn’t want me.
    Thanks again. As others have said, just knowing I’m not alone has healed my heart a little.

  25. I know this is an older post but I just wanted to say THANK YOU!! I literally have tears streaming down my face right now, I’m so happy. This has been such an issue in our marriage and I’ve searched for information and prayed but the only advise I could find was secular so I am SO happy to have found a supportive, informative CHRISTIAN based article! I make it a point not to talk to anyone, even my mother, about my husband and our sex-life (or lack-there-of) because I don’t want to disrespect him or people to think less of him. I’ve been suffering in silence for 3 years now and like some other people who have commented, it started on our honeymoon! I am so encouraged to know I’m not alone. Praise God I found you! I have hope that my marriage can change!

  26. My husband and I were together 2 1/2 years before getting married. We have been married for 13 momths and have an 8 month old daughter. I feel so undesired. When we were dating we had sex almost daily and now it seems maybe once every 3 weeks if that even. Our anniversary was oct 14th and we had planned a romantic night but it still hasnt happened. The last time we had sex was a week before that.
    My husband will be 22 in March and I 21 in January. He’s really into video games. He tells me we’re going to have sex but continues to put it off. Either his stomach is hurting, he has gas, has a headache, or just isnt in the mood. He plays his games every night until about 2am and then comes to bed. I know he watches porn, sometimes we do together but it doesnt seem to make him want me. Im a Christian but hes more along the lines of agnostic. So its hard to talk to him about it. I believe what the Bible says about not witholdimg from your spouse but our beliefs are different and if he doesnt want to then it wont happen. We are currently living with his parents while we get back on our feet. Maybe that is having an effect? We are both working though. Idk how to get him to want me. Ive pretty much given up trying to initiate bc I always get rejected. Its sad but to keep my mind from going crazy about thinking about sex Ive just started counting the days to see how long I can go without it. It sucks to say the least. We had sex more when I was pregnant (huge belly and all) than we’ve had since our daughter was born. Is he feeling inadequate as a man bc we live with his parents, our car’s engine just blew up, have min wage jobs? Stressed with everything and the baby to add? Hes my best friend and we actually have alot of fun together. But no action at night. Please help! :(

  27. My husband is much older than me, he tells me he doesn’t have a low sex drive but he was just over sexed before I even came along.. He tells me all his former gfs/wife where nymphos and that is why he doesn’t care about sex at all. This really hurts me, I am young I don’t think its very fair for him to say that to me, and let that be his excuse. Is there anything I can do?

  28. My Name is Mrs Trace, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2010 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.Magbu cast a spell for me,now is with me and me only.And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email,Reunitingexspell@gmail.com

  29. It sucks to be with my husband who does not have enough desire to have sex every day!
    I want it everyday.
    He is 23 years old.
    I am 20 years old, not 75 years old. GEEZ. God help my husband!
    I really don’t want to commit adultery. AHHHH!

  30. I’ve been with my husband for sixteen years, we’re both thirty five years old and we have three children, in the beginning sex was great then started slowing down, but for the past couple of years it’s been almost non existent.we haven’t had sex for a year and a half because of him, at first we would have sex and then he couldn’t keep it up, and I would cry and get angry. It happened a second time and after that he shut down. I would try to initiate sex, he would say no, he was tired. I’ve tried talking to him about it asking him if it’s because he’s not attracted to me anymore but he says it’s not that, all he would say was it was going to get better, but a year and a half later, and nothing!! He knows it’s hurting me but he acts like nothing wrong is going on. I’m to the point where I feel I’ve tried too much initiated too much and I get nothing in return, he says he loves me, but I cry at night because I feel so lonely and I think if he really loved me he would at least try to have sex with me but he doesn’t. I’m to the point where I want to leave him, because I feel I deserve love and attention.

    • Hi Pearl,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know you must feel so lonely.

      I can see in your comment, though, some clues that perhaps your husband feels the same way as you. Erectile dysfunction is a really difficult thing for a guy to deal with. If he had it happen a few times, and you became angry, that can cause some major fear and insecurity in him, so much so that he’d rather shut down than risk failing again. Sexuality is really tied to a man’s sense of masculinity and self. If he thinks he can’t perform, he’d rather not try. That’s why it’s really best when it happens not to become angry, because he’s not TRYING to have it not work; it just isn’t working for whatever reason.

      Can you try a new approach with him? What about apologizing for being angry, and then telling him that you’re really concerned about him. He must be really hurting. He likely wants that sex life back too that you used to have, but now he’s worried it will never happen. So just tell him you’re here for the long haul, it’s okay if things don’t always work, you just want to be close to him and have fun with him and feel intimate with him. And if things don’t work, that’s no big deal. You can just try again another time and you can be glad you spent that time together.

      In other words, try to think about what he is feeling.

      I know you’re hurt because he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, but he could very well feel the same way about you. And then you’re stuck in a marriage! You don’t want to be stuck, so you take the first move to tell him you love him, you don’t want to put pressure on him, you just want to feel close to him.

      Giving him the impression that you’re going to leave him, though, is going to make him feel even more like a failure. What he needs is to know that you believe in him and that you love him, and that you’re there to enjoy being with him. Give him that impression, and love him like that, and you may see things changing.

      Of course, if the impotence was originally caused by porn use, then you’ve got a whole other set of problems, and I’d direct you to this post. But it sounds like it’s more a performance issue, and for that he really needs your support and commitment. I hope that helps!

  31. Jenny,
    (I’m the Amy you referred to above…)

    I’d encourage you to have your husband get his testosterone levels checked. It’s been a long road for my husband, but after starting on T replacement, he’s had to get some other levels adjusted as well. He’s now much, much more interested in sex, and often pursues me now. We’re getting there, but it’s been an emotional roller coaster for both of us. I’m thankful he’s been open to seeking a solution for his lack of desire. It had been this way since we’d first married at the age of 22! We’re both now 37. I pray often for other wives who are in the same situation I was in. It was very difficult for me not to have someone to talk to about this struggle…..Hugs to you!!! I know the pain and the heartache, my friend….

  32. My husband and I have been together for six years have two children and been married since last year. He never seems to have the same sex drive as me. I want sex quite a lot but it takes a lot of work for me to reach orgasm and therefore don’t very often achieve this which I don’t mind since I know it takes so long and I wonder if this is what is making me want sex all the time. Anyway my husband can go weeks without sex. If I try to initiate it I get shut down and I’m talking I’ll have my hand in his pants so not a subtle hint a fairly obvious one. He does watch porn occasionally but not often. So I’m trying to figure out what the problem is and he doesn’t want to talk about it. Any ideas I could try?

    • I think the porn use is a real problem. There’s no such thing as a “little” porn use. It retrains your brain so that what is arousing is not a real person. And men then get rid of their sexual energy in porn. So I’d have an honest discussion about that!

  33. Hello,
    I appreciate the openness and advice surrounding this blog! It is such a relief to find that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together two years and married for 6 months. We have never really had a booming sex life because his drive has always been lower than mine. Since we got married it seems as if the sex just stopped. We didn’t even have sex on our wedding night- in fact it wasn’t until a month later. I love him with all of my heart and I am committed to making this work, but I am completely miserable and it feels like my heart is breaking. It should not hurt so much to be with someone. This is tearing down my self esteem and I don’t know what to do. I have tried the communication techniques that you have pointed out and have been unsuccessful. He is not looking at porn, nor do I think he is seeing someone else and he says he is attracted to me. He just has no interest in it- to the point that he thinks nothing is wrong at all. I asked him to go to the Dr. and I was grateful he went to one appointment; where they asked him to adjust his diet and come back in a month. It is over a month and he has no interest in going. He is in the military so he is embarrassed to have to talk about it. He has completely shut down and wants no communication about it at all. I have since felt enraged and obsessive over the topic. I try to initiate the conversation and sex all the time. He keeps rejecting me and I keep going back for more. He instantly gets angry when I want to talk about it and completely spins it on me. He has said on several occasions that if I am unhappy I can just go. Then later he says that he doesn’t want me to go but that I need to get used to the man I married. I am now failing at strong, respectful communication and starting to pick at him. It is awful but he hurts me with the rejection and I think I want to jab back. Now, we are both miserable. He avoids me all the time- especially on the weekends. He chooses to sleep, go to the bar (although he has since stopped since I told him I am uncomfortable with the drinking), go for a car ride, or just sit in front of the tv. I know I have a lot to work on for myself, and I am making those steps…but I don’t know how to fix us. I keep trying and he is not working with me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how committed he is- but he can’t show me or be intimate with me. I am so tired of this and I want us to be happy again. He is amazing in so many other ways and I want to remain true to our vows. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Prayer, friend.
      Your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways except we’re still in the beginning of seeking medical help. He goes back next week for his second round of labwork. I agree, it’s hard not to jab back when he hurts you! I married a wonderful man and have a wonderful marriage also. But he also will avoid me or make crazy excuses on his days off and has told me I need to just “leave it alone” and stop being so obsessive. He’s told me it bothers him too and he has “no idea what’s wrong” so I try to encourage him that it’s not HIS problem, we’ll get through it together and I’m not upset with him about it.
      I’m not on the other side yet. Maybe by now you are, but pray. Prayer can move mountains and that’s the best advice I’ve got.

  34. My husband is in the process of getting his testosterone levels checked. 2 and a half years ago his pornography use was exposed, it was hard and very hurtful to go through the healing of that, but we have rebuilt our marriage (we continue to) and trust and in many ways our marriage is so much better than it ever was previously. Right after the porn/lust struggle was discovered, he made a commitment to God and to me to never go back to that way of life ever again, he went to counseling, and he did a 12 week course on living in freedom from sexual sin, also got himself into accountability with other Christian men. He was never a very heavy pornography user, but it was there and it was a secret and it deff hurt our marriage big time! At first in our healing we had sex ALL the time! Like 5 to 6 times a week! It was weird because prior to this we were maybe having sex once per month…. As we grew in our healing and in our closeness the frequency has lessened a lot. Fast forward 2.5 years and we are still making love 1 to 2 times per week, but my husband has been experiencing some performance issues, there is a lot of stress and life changes going on in our marriage and careers right now, I am almost done with school and started a new business, he is becoming increasingly dissatisfied with his line of work and wanting a change but feeling the pressure to provide for our family (we have 3 kids too!) We often are exhausted by the end of the day and often crawl into bed and crash! I am feeling some rejection over this (because I still seem to have a desire to make love more than he) he often falls asleep in one of our kids beds while tucking them in, while I am still desiring to make love. I know I am putting a lot of pressure on him as well, though not intentionally, But….. I am naturally a strong leader and go getter and he is much more go with the flow type of personality, I really want our sex life and his libido to improve and I want to show him grace as we go through this new stage of our life together, we will be married for 16 years this summer and my amazing husband surprised me with tickets to Hawaii as a 2nd honeymoon (we never really went anywhere for out 1st one) we are going in March! I know he has the desire, he just seems to not be able to perform as often as he used to, and there is now the performance anxiety as well, he says he feels different physically and it bothers him but he doesn’t know what to do about it, he already had the lab tests and he goes to the Dr. next week to discuss the outcome.

  35. Taking Each Day at a Time says:

    I find it so incredibly ironic to read these comments by women, when so many women will be in the complete opposite position in a few years. I am 54 going on 55. I married a woman 5 years older than me when I was much younger. Last year I learned that the reason our sex was so limited was because of her vaginal dryness which affects most women in their 50s. Surprise, surprise for me. I didn’t even see it coming. So of course, we haven’t had intercourse in a year, and we won’t be having intercourse again. Yes there are vaginal treatments and hormonal pills which create the risk of women getting CANCER, so of course that is out of the question. If you had told me my sex life would be over at 53, I would have never believed you. But that is the way it is. Tough. I was frustrated at our inability to have intercourse at first, and then I guess I have finally resigned myself to it now, and learned to accept that is the price of getting older. So I will just tell all of these women writing here when they are frustrated with their husbands, etc., guess what the tables will be turned in a few years. So the best thing to do is try to show as much patience as possible, because you will need that from your husband too some day. I am still frustrated, but I don’t think about much any more, and focus on the rest of life and try to be grateful for what I have.

    • I’m sorry you are both having to deal with this. I married for the first time after age 50, and dryness has been an issue for me, too. I find that vaginal lubricants help; I also find that (for me) maintaining good nutrition, drinking enough water, and getting some light exercise help. I am not talking about a major workout, just simple exercise like walking or stretching … something to help with circulation and to keep my muscles limber. My diet is likewise nothing extreme, I just try to limit junk food and eat plenty of “real” food, like lean meats and vegetables.

      Has your wife talked to her doctor about this? There may be some underlying physical issue that aggravates the dryness. I am not diabetic, but am somewhat insulin resistant, and when my blood sugar gets out of whack I experience not just vaginal dryness, but also dry eyes, dry mouth, and dry skin. Her doctor may be able to suggest treatments that don’t involve taking hormones. If her regular doctor is unable to help, she might consider consulting with an endocrinologist.

      It is honorable that you are willing to be patient and respectful toward your wife, but you are both too young to just give up on sex, and if there are other health issues at stake they should be found and treated. I’m praying that things will improve for both of you!

    • @ Taking Each Day At A Time, you wrote your comment several months ago, so I hope you find my comment…After having a higher sex drive than my husband for 20+ years of marriage, I lost my sex drive at 50 and had vaginal dryness to the point of bleeding. Needless to say, sex was very painful and out of the question. I was not ready to give up my sex drive at the young age of 50, so I went to a doctor that prescribed bio-identical hormone replacement therapy or BHRT. Bio-identical hormones do not cause cancer. Studies that said that hormones caused cancer were done on women taking synthetic hormones. (as hormones drop when a woman gets older, she is at a greater risk for heart attack and cancer). It is thought now that taking BHRT actually gives a woman protection from cancer and heart attack. PLEASE have your wife see a doctor who prescribes bio-identical hormones. It will make your lives so much better.

  36. This is so great (sorry ladies). I thought I was completely alone and that my husband was the only one with very little desire for sex. I know it’s not me but it’s hard to go weeks waiting. I thank God that I’m strong enough not to cheat. And finding this blog has giving me a better understanding. My husband I believe has low self esteem and I’m going to try and help him and be alittle more understanding. Also he take’s antidepressants. But no porn. So i’ll count my blessing.

  37. wants to stay anonymous says:

    hi

    Been married over 5 years, together for 9 years

    Discussions many times about why i always had the drive, but that we would let months pass by without having sex or talk about it.

    Turns out he had a major masturbation problem due to stress…but I am stuck with anger…still young enough to start over, and how will we ever have a great sex life if there was never one to begin with?

    Frustrating

  38. It’s always comforting to know you are not alone. A wise uncle told me many years ago that marriage is only based on 10% sex when it’s a happy one, but 90% sex when it’s an unhappy one. I begged and pleaded for many years with my now ex-husband for sex, only to get rejected by him and then reject him because I felt it was just to shut me up. I blamed it all on myself, then on him, then on myself, ad nauseum. We were both to blame. Not pornography(which most men do indulge in at least occasionally and although many women find it annoying it has existed since the dawn of time), not low testosterone, etc. We were not a match. We were friends, had a nice life, but the spark was missing. All marriages have problems. But, sex should be the least of them. If sex is the problem, it’s time to reevaluate and quite possibly move on. Financial woes, childcare woes, medical woes, most woes, are much easier to deal with in a marriage when you know you have a partner who wants you and only you (at least in real life, fantasies are part of human nature). Hope this helps. It was a painful realization for me to learn this the hard way.

    • wants to stay anonymous says:

      Hi

      Yes, i Wnat to leave but I took vows…so what does that make me?

      I feel so incredibly guilty but after 10 years, I just don’t think we will have it or ever have it :-(.
      I want kids and after those kids I still want a sex life. I want to feel excited, I want to feel sexy…i tried and tired and tried…if you buy a sexy set, and he says “you don’t need that”???!!! WHAT?
      I mean, i’m not overweight, im not miss skinny, but still, i eat healthy and exercise so I assume my body is more than ok…

      Guilt, guilt, guilt…i hate it.

  39. My husband have been married for over forty years. And since day one sex for us has been a big problem. We had sex on our wedding night, it was clumsy but it was sex. We never had sex before we were married and never talked about it. I wanted kids he didn’t that was it. Shortly after we were married like the next day, he decided he wanted nothing to do with me or sex. I was married and already alone. He thought sex was pointless, meaningless, cheap, had no meaning, disgusting, messy, and horribly smelly. And told me it would never happen ever again, so to make his point he moved down to the basement, that’s where he has eaten and slept all these years . We have never really talked or did any thing together. Unfortunitly I stayed with this person which was a terrible mistake , and I’m paying for it now. To old to care any more , keep hoping GOD will take me away from all this.

    • wants to stay anonymous says:

      Can’t you leave?

      I’m sorry but god or no god, you ARE miserable!

      you only have ONE life…

      • I would like to leave and I’m sure he would never miss me! But I have no where to go, no kids, and all my friends are married and I’m not going to barge in on them. My family has all passed on, and certainly can’t live on my own. I can’t get a decent job. I try to stay out of the house for as long as I can. I volunteer at a shelter for homeless pregnant women. I sleep there about four nights a week some times more. That is rewarding but I still get so depressed seeing these women and wondering what happens to these women after they have there little ones. I also see my pastor at church, my shrink, and my anti-depressant drugs, So I’m just stuck I guess, and I’ve learned to just live with the situation.

  40. 99 degrees says:

    hey…well i have tried whatever i possibly could with my husband…but it just doesnt seem to work…we were sexually active even before marriage when we were dating…but we met once in 3-4 months n that time sex was simply great….but soon after we got married, he started losing interest in sex. initially i thought it was because he had work pressures or probably because i didnt dress up seductively….but now, in my four n a half years of marriage, i see his sexual drive diminishing by the day….we have a 2 year old kid….i concieved accidentally…it wasnt a planned pregnancy….n now he has resorted to making lame excuses whenever i ask him for sex…i dont find pleasure in masturbating….its just not good enough for me….i have tried to talk him into consulting a doctor or just go for a couple counselling session coz this problem is taking a toll on my life….but the worst part is that he doesnt feel there’s any problem….whwnever i talk to him….he either fights with me or ends up consoling me that we’ll work it out somehow…but its just the same….rather the problem is getting worse…..and he is very much into porn…..i have caught him several times masturbating too….but he doesnt want to be physically intimate with me…..not even kissing….or just making out….not even oral….its nothing for almost a month or more….the last time we had sex(which wasnt satisfactory for me) was after 2 months of the time previous to that….please help….i am really troubled….

  41. daisygirl says:

    I have recently got married and my husband does not wan to make love to me. We married about two months ago and have made love only about 6 or 7 times. He only gets pleasure from oral sex and if I avoid giving it to him pr try to explain to him that I want intimacy and sexual pleasure as well he loses his temper and leaves the room. He constantly asks me to perform oral on him while I am completely dressed. he just lies back and enjoys himself while I feel unwanted, unloved and humiliated. After he finishes he thanks me and kisses me but I feel so agitated that I cannot usually hold back my tears. Last night I decided to talk to him seriously and I for one time I did not care about his mood. He told me that now that I have pushed him into sexual intercourse he has totally lost his desire for that more than before. He kept saying that I avoid oral sex these days as a punishment for not receiving intercourse. I tried to explain that it is not the reason; I am just a woman who has needs like every human; if I am not sexually aroused I cannot perform oral, it is not fair to treat me like a robot. But the argument went nowhere. I am really worried that my young marriage gets ruined….

    • Sheila says:

      Oh, Daisygirl, I’m so sorry. I’ve actually heard very similar stories from many women. The problem is that our culture has rewired men’s arousal so that what’s sexy is not a relationship but an act–and the more impersonal, the sexier. It’s totally the opposite of what God wanted, and it is NOT okay. You do NOT have to have oral sex with him at his whim. The sexual relationship is supposed to be intimate, about connecting you. I’ve written about this before.

      I’d recommend talking to a mentor couple or a pastor or a counselor and asking your husband to go with you. This truly isn’t okay, and it isn’t going to get better without you doing something about it. I’ve written about that here.

      I really pray that your husband will desire real intimacy.

  42. Michael says:

    I think you missed the most common reason men don’t care for sex. That reason is that due to repeated rejection and manipulation they have given up trying.

    I’ve never met a man who lacked interest out of performance fear. I’m not saying that performance fear does not happen. I’m just saying it is very rare. On the other hand I’ve men a significant number of men who have given up because of regular rejection and manipulation.

  43. My husband is the most loving man. He’s very affectionate. We’ve been married just over a year. We didn’t consumate our marraige for over 3 weeks and since then I’m lucky if we’re intimate once a month. Usually it isn’t that frequent. We don’t have health insurance at the moment and won’t until October. He says he wants to be more sexually active but that he simply doesn’t have the drive. When we are intimate I feel like he isn’t getting any enjoyment. I feel like he’s only doing it for me and that really makes me feel bad. I want to be intimate but I want it to be because he wants it too not just for me. There isn’t any danger of porn although he does play a lot of video games, they aren’t sexually explicit. More like Temple Run, and Jewel Saga. They’re more brain training games than anything else. He loves to text but we can only afford one cell phone so he mostly texts his parents and sister, he was keeping in touch with a young lady pretty often and she asked him several times to leave me so she could be with him, he was very upfront with me about it and asked me what he should do (to which I had no advice) but he stopped when he found out (through facebook) that my best friend asked me the same thing and I stopped speaking to him for it. so I know it isn’t emotional infidelity. I just don’t know what to do or how to help him. Please pray for me, and any advice would be appreciated.

    • Just to clarify, my husband found out through facebook that my best friend wanted to be with me and I ended my friendship, i did not stop speaking to my husband. I realize my previous post might have been misconstrued.

  44. ADM2600 says:

    Set aside the cliches that ‘men misunderstand women’ or that mens libidos exist in some kind of vacuum where the spouses actions (or lack thereof) are not a factor.

    It all comes down to the roles comfort and arousal play. It’s oxytocin vs testosterone.

    For women, confirmed emotional & physical comfort are prerequisite, and once established, by the male of course, can turn into emotional & physical arousal…comfort and arousal are on a continuum… the former leads to the latter. It’s oxytocin.

    For men emotional & physical comfort, and emotional & physical arousal, are mutually explicit, and most often inverse to one another… comfort and arousal are parallel to one another – they rarely if ever overlap. It’s testosterone.

    No matter how much the woman wants “cute & cozy” to be “sexy” … no matter how often she tries to substitute the former for the latter… it will not change the nature of the situation. Fact is… men understand much more than they let on. They are fine with “cute & cozy” 95% of the time – IF he can get “sexy” from the wife on HIS TERMS just 5% of the time.

    The hard truth is that the things that make her feel comfortable and confirmed, while valuable to the man in terms of insuring her happiness and domestic tranquility, most often do absolutely NOTHING for his arousal – and that will not change. When one partners emotional & physical comfort becomes the absolute value of the couples chemistry – the relationship is doomed.

  45. My husband and I have been married for two years. We are both 66 years old. We started out having sex every day. Now it seems he’s lost interest. Now, I’m lucky if we have sex once a month. Is it normal for him to have low libido at 66? He takes no meds that have that side affect, we have a great life, no stress. So what’s up?

  46. I’m so sick of having to be gentle when talking to my husband about sex. His poor ego gets hurt and we don’t have sex for months. He’s 25 and I’m 28. I’ve always had a strong sex drive and he was just faking his when we were dating. Now he never wants sex. I have to be the one to do everything. He doesn’t make me feel special or touch me in any way erotic. When I’ve asked him to initiate sex and he said he thought he was, how? With longer kisses. That’s it. No kisses on the neck our anything, no making me feel sexy. I told him that it’s not enough. I can’t tell the difference between his so called long kisses and the regular ones because there’s not even any tongue. Yes I’ve cheated before but I wouldn’t have to if I got some once in a while. I feel like we’re roommates that share a bed and kids twice a day. He doesn’t show me he really cares. I’ve been in horrible pain lately because of dental issues that could’ve been solved if he would’ve gotten me insurance when I told him to a year ago. He never does laundry unless he needs something washed. The house could be a pig stie and he’d be happy. We never go out anymore unless I beg him to take me out. He knows how much it makes me happy but he don’t care.

    • a married man says:

      Ashley, you post includes a lot of anger…and many demands. You probably won’t like this, but I think you and your husband need counseling. Probably a male counselor…someone that could be sympathetic to your husband’s side of your marriage. It sounds like you want your man to “man up.” Since opposites attract, I imagine your man is a reserved, quiet type that doesn’t know how to deal with an assertive, strong-willed woman like yourself. If you’d stop pointing your finger at him and start showing him where you want him to put his fingers, with your encouragement I imagine he’d be more than willing to oblige.

      Find something good your husband does and compliment him in…today!

  47. Kathryn Matheny says:

    I’m asexual . If God created me he created me without a sex drive . I never want to have sex and I also don’t have to or have to want to . I can never be married because apparently sex is a huge requirement . Not sure why would God make me this way ? But I’m this way nonetheless. It’s sat something like sex will keep me from getting married but it will

    • a married man says:

      Kathryn, if you’re asexual you don’t need marriage. You can live a fulfilled, full life without marriage. Having close friends and family, being good at your job and using your gifts/abilities to be a blessing to others can be as enriching, if not more so, than being married. I wish that more people were as self-aware as you are. Some of the spouses mentioned in this blog should never have gotten married…because they’re “asexual’ too. If you’re a Christian, married folk are to have sex, and have enough of it that “Satan will not tempt you [to commit adultery through pornography, affairs, etc.] because of your lack of self control.” (I Corinthians 7:5) Kathryn, you’re good to go. If you’d like children, there are some in your neighborhood, church, or city that would love to be adopted, or at least have someone that cared enough about them to spend time with them.

  48. I am a man, and I refused to make love to my wife last night, because I have fear of contracting HIV, when I foolishly tried a sex worker. The result is negative, at 2 weeks ECLIA test, but i wanted to be 100% sure so I am waiting for the 3 months window period.

    Ask him why he dont want to have sex, maybe he is trying to protect you and he is very confused anxious and afraid, like me right now but cant talk about it.

    • This is also a valid point by “Unknown”…some men cheat on their wives and contract STDs so they are afraid to be intimate with their wives after that, because they don’t want the truth to come out.

      I had a boyfriend who cheated on me with a prostitute (and denied it). He had gonorrhea as a result, thankfully I didn’t have it.

      My husband has told me that he thinks men should visit prostitutes more often, which is a strange view in my opinion. I have nothing against sex workers and I won’t judge them harshly…but I find it inappropriate for a married man to tell his wife that. And honestly, it makes me wonder about him.

      @ “Unknown”…I hope things turned out OK for you. Hopefully you won’t do that again because it will hurt your wife deeply and betray her trust, not to mention putting your health (and hers) at risk. Please take care of yourself.

  49. My husband is #2, 3, & 4. We’re newly married and wonderfully happy, but I feel like I have to beg for sex and still only get it 1 or of every 5 times I ask, if that often.
    He’s always said that he’s had a very high sex drive, but mine’s higher. If he really had a high sex drive, why would he turn me down all the time. We’ve only been married for 1 year.
    His regular excuse is that he’s tired from working (for the last 3.5 years?). Every time I try and talk to him about it, he just gets more upset. I feel worthless, unneeded, and undesirable. Thank you for being here for some advice. I keep trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I feel really alone and I can’t stop fantasizing about other guys, but I really want my husband. Why doesn’t he wasn’t me too?

  50. littlebooks says:

    Now I finally have the answer that I’ve been looking for regarding my hubby’s low sex drive and it’s time to face the music and deal with it instead of sweeping it under the rug. My husband’s dependency on opiate pain killers is the reason for his lack of interest in sex. He is getting such a sense of pleasure from the high he’s experiencing on opiates that there is probably not much else that would make him feel as good. This makes total sense! My first thought was ” At least he’s not cheating” but in a way I wish he was……I don’t wish the horrors of addiction on anyone especially my husband who I love so much. I could handle watching him cheat better than I could watching him fight for his life – and trust me, he’s not there yet but one day he will be, for addiction untreated has no mercy and knows no boundaries.My husband does not believe that he fits the classic mold of an addict and therefore has no plans to stop buying prescription drugs illegally off the street so that he can function at work, he says all the guys that are in construction do it! I have struggled with my own addiction in the past but got help because the day to day insanity of believing that I could not face the day without a pill (or 15) to get me through. That is the epitome of insanity and I am thankful to God that he gave me the strength to turn it around. But enough about me – It’s time to have a conversation with my husband. I can’t force him to stop, I love him too much to give up on him just yet……I curse those pills….

  51. I have a wonderful, beautiful women friend, she looks at least 40 years, but is close to 70 years, she tells me that her
    husband, is 75 years old, he is a diabetic, and so he had surgery so he could perform, and she went into late menopause.
    started at age 60 years, she was so sick for 1 year. He made life simple for her, now after 7 years, he just left her alone,
    she is fine now got some hormones, and he just decided not to bother with his penial implant, He lays down on the sofa
    she tells me, and she spoke to him, and he stated, he just doesn’t feel like doing anything any more, but all he has to do
    is pump up to have sex, but he doesn’t care too, and she is so beautiful, and she says nothing, and he becomes at times
    so rude to her! and at times mean! and she just bears it! She has told me she still loves him, and when he’s clames down
    he treats her very well, but shows some affection, but no arousing at all. He told her he just didn’t feel like anymore!!!

  52. My bf and I have been together almost 4 years now, and this has always been a problem, he says “I’m not in the mood” “I have no interest” ” I’m to tired” he says its not me, he finds me very attractive, thinks about sex with me, but we never do, literally, its been 4 mo this time around. We have lived together a 15 months and have had sex 12 times, that’s it. I know he isn’t addicted to porn, isn’t having an affair. I always initiate sex, and more that not I get told not tonight, I’m just not in the mood. I’m very lonely and feel bitter and rejected. I don’t feel this is something 2 healthy 40 yo pepole should be going through.

  53. Hi,
    I hope I can get some advice from anyone who reads this. My husband is a minister and has 2 jobs. He is also slightly underweight. I have everything against me in the world when it come to wifey time and at times I cry to sleep while he is snoring away because what use to be once a week sex is slowly turning into once a month sex, he has a problem showing affection as it is because he dad was that way. His love language is time spent with loved ones. Whats worse is were 33 yrs old and married 3 yrs and want children but with my PCOS we are lucky if well ever concieve let alone this new prob with abstinance. Im so distraught, what do we do? We are so in the hole financially we need to keep working.
    So fustrated,
    Ginny

  54. Sex starved and sad says:

    please help. I have no idea where to to turn.
    We have been married a year. 25 years old. and both waited till marriage to have sex.
    My hubby was having a hard time holding an erection and he discovered he has low testosterone.
    He has tried the gel, didn’t work, gets the shots, but it is hard to with his work and his doctor hardly ever keeps the shot in stock, and he can’t go another doctor (insurance issues) i have tried to research supplements online, but he always forgets to take them, and so it isn’t consistent. I’ve always dreamed of when i got married I could finally have sex! I wanted it so bad, dress up sexy, role pay, sex everywhere have fun! now that im married, it’s like nothing has changed-no sex. when either he or i initiate it-sometimes he isn’t hard at all, gets hard and then isn’t…without getting into details, lets just say im never satisfied and end up using other ways to end up having him be satisfied and me with nothing. I feel ugly, and feel like i am being punished for waiting to have sex. I thought this was a gift God gave marriages? then why havent I gotten it with my husband. My husband and I have talked about it, and no matter how much I say its important he just can’t take his supplements on a regular basis to see if they work. Some days I feel like I just want to end the relationship, it’s like we are good friends/roomates. please help me. I’m so lost!

    • Be patient with your husband and don’t give up! My husband and I are older than you, both waited until marriage to have sex. We just passed our second anniversary and things are starting to get better for us. Yes, God gave you this as a gift, but it doesn’t happen overnight – something I had to learn. Just like anything else, you get better at it as you go along. Instead of thinking about what you are getting or not getting, concentrate on what you are giving to him. Life is so much more satisfying that way, and when you are giving to him it will free him to give to you.

  55. I must agree.
    So much of our pain comes from inward thinking; from expectation and entitlement.
    We’re in our 3rd year of marriage and I can’t count the number of times I thought of quitting. But after 2 years gone by (nothing at all by “forever” standards) my gamble on patience and giving has returned more than I could imagine. The bond of love and trust between is has created the space my husband needed to step forward and confront his own problems. Things aren’t perfect for us but we talk openly, we worm together on OUR problem and he doesn’t feel blamed or inferior.
    I did not save myself for marriage. I had many partners before my husband as did he before me.
    You may feel as though saving yourself has created a special hell that you otherwise would not know but I can assure you that’s not the case. My husband and I had a healthy sex life before marriage and when we took our vows that changed. I mourned the loss of my sexual identity and my freedom. You mourn the life you are yet to have. Both are equal.
    Remember that this issue is not solely yours to bear and be strong for, and with, him.
    There is no race to the finish line and all that lies before you is greater reward. Though now the path may seeming and dark, the light is there.

  56. Hi. First I want to say thank you for the great article. My problem is that I have a high sex drive, but my husband doesn’t. However, he lies to me about masturbating. :( We’ve been married 17 yrs, and I’m ‘ready’ anytime & try to initiate often, but he shows no interest. We have sex maybe once a week or two. Then in the morning before work, he masturbates. If I ask him about it he lies, gets angry and goes to sleep. Aside from this, he is a wonderful husband. But the lack of sex, the lying and the masturbating really hurt me. I feel like I’m disgusting and worthless. I feel like he’s cheating on me. I pray about it a lot. What should I do?

    • a married man says:

      Hi Linda,

      If you haven’t already, you can begin by telling you husband, “The lying and the masturbating really hurt me. I feel like I’m disgusting and worthless.” If he truly is a “wonderful” husband, he’ll feel your pain and want to prevent you from feeling bad again. You feel like he’s cheating on you because he IS cheating on you. As men masturbate, we use images of women (if they’re hetero) in out heads to get and keep us aroused. The women could be a co-worker, an actress, someone else’s wife. We usually don’t masturbate with our own wives in mind unless we’re not getting as much sex from our wives as we want/need. That isn’t your situation. Men don’t masturbate without having mental sex or engaging in a sexual situation with someone. He very well may be into pornography, though if you ask him directly he’ll probably lie about it out of shame. If he’s masturbating, he’s actually addressing his high sex drive…without you. Seek counseling together if he’ll go, or individually if he won’t (which would indicate that there are other marital problems). In the meantime you can talk with a mature Christian woman (single or married) that you trust so that you can talk about it. Things can get better.

  57. My husband is not interested in sex since our marriage. It was a love marriage. I tried to ask but he has nothing to talk or discuss. He every Tim tries to change d topic. Wat do I do.

  58. I know he loves me so why no sex. I work f for 9 hrs. N he has a. business which he.Carries from home. Renting cars. I don’t know wat stops him to have sex. Before marriage he was not.like ph.d. I don’t understand how to sort it cause he never discusses how much ever nicely i ask him. D day I ask him n feel upset he will have sex n then stop till again I ask for it. Months n months pass like dis without sex. Feel so devastated n upset n cry lot of times. I have never got sex from him by his own.

  59. How about the man doesn’t want sex because he spent 6 years hearing his wife say “not tonight dear” 2 out of every 3 times he wanted sex, so now he doesn’t want to bother with being rejected, so he doesn’t bother with initiating sex.

    • ButterflyWings says:

      There is a difference between not initiating and not wanting sex. Plenty of people who have been repeatedly rejected stop initiating sadly, but it doesn’t mean they say no when their spouse initiates.

  60. Hello Friends,

    Happy to see these blog. I too going through almost same problem. From start of my marriage my husband rarely took the initiate in doing sex. Most of the time I took. Very few time it went passionate otherwise a short session it would be but I was fine with it because anyway I was happy with that.
    If I don’t initiate he can leave without sex for long time. It have been one year we did not have sex, pregnancy time it is fine but now when baby is delivered I feel we can have. Many time I have try to discuss with him to know actually reason. He always say I am stress and somewhere he is stressed in his work. But when he is in good mood he can do that or atleast a gesture of love hugging or kissing as children are there so not expecting much.
    One thing I have noted when I go mother home Ihave find porn cd in home. I have asked him whose it is first he used to say that my friend brought as now we have shifted to place where no nearby friend is their but he can accept that yes I am watching though I show positivity that it is ok if you say I see or I masturbate when you r not there. Even ask him is their someone else, he gets irritate and hurt so stop asking it. I am not attractive much if so I can work on myself. By look I am average and after delivery I have put on weight but that on both side. Somewhere I have accept these because I don’t want to make these issue so big that it effect our marriage life as it was happening in past but sometime these thing stuck in my mind and it disturb me.
    But I don’t feel to initiate because if I do 10 time then I expect 3 time he take the initiate. Why partner don’t get open with each other need and feeling.

  61. I have been marry for 22 years and my husband has always been the same low sex drive .. There has been times when couple months passed by and no sex .. I used to get very upset and told him straight up what I needed but nothing changed .. I don’t care anymore but it hurts to not have someone that desires the same things you want .. We have an age difference of 10 years .. I’m 10 years younger and therefore more active in every way.. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel I have fail :-(

  62. I am very depress and i cry every night because it hurts the fact that i desire my husband and he doesnt desire me . I have try talking to him and he tells me im sick and that i want it everyday and he makes me feel i am the sick one in this relationship. I try everything i try dressing up sexy and everything and is like im not even there . My self esteem and my heart cant take it no more and i dnt know who to talk about this is embarassing to me.

  63. alwayslast says:

    He may be gay. My husband and I had sex twice a week (weekends only) when we were dating. The sex was never good. It was mechanical – it felt like he was doing what he “had” to do – a chore. This was in 1978 – 1980. We were married in 1980. I knew something wasn’t right (I had had 1 boyfriend before him and sex was great), but at that time – there weren’t any computers and who would I talk to – an unmarried Italian girl wasn’t supposed to be having sex anyway.

    We married – and he didn’t touch me for 6 months. When I questioned him, he would scream and we would get into physical fights. Then I discovered he was masturbating in the bathroom. I was CRUSHED! 21 years old – our own home – and he was servicing himself regularly in the bathroom!

    This is the beginning of a 34 year marriage – that was horrible to endure.

    I found out in 1998 when we got our first computer – he was on Gay Porn Sites and Bi/Gay Chat Rooms. He confessed to an experience with a man when he was 18 years old (before we started dating)
    (edited some explicit details out–Sheila)

    Bottom line: HE IS GAY! He still denies it. He says he is bisexual – and the reason he never touched me all those years – despite my pain/crying/sadness and despair – was because he felt like a “fraud”.

    …(edited out some details–Sheila)

    The latest – NOW he wants sex with me! He says I “freed” him by finding out his secret. I think that he is just “turned on” (he has been getting Bio-identical Testosterone Injections) and wants sex period – not necessarily with me. I think the ONLY role I provided in his life – was that I was able to “VALIDATE” him as a heterosexual married man.

    Oh – and another thing – he was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to me – he admitted to me that he emotionally and mentally abused me – to put me down so I would not leave – (if he didn’t want me – who would?) – and also – HOPED I would leave so he could say “See – I was married and it didn’t work out” and he would be free to pursue men – and no one would think anything of the fact that he wasn’t married – or with a woman.

    Also – please note that I am attractive – always kept myself well – never let myself go. I am petite and shapely – 5 feet tall – 115 lbs most of my life. He is a handsome man and always kept himself well also.

  64. petrushkasrib says:

    Sorry I’m a little late to the party, but I saw it pop up on Pinterest and I wanted to comment because this is a concern of mine. My husband and I have been married 5 months, and we were both virgins before marriage. There is a large age difference between us: 15 years. We were both virgins, except (as he confessed to me while we were dating, and Lord love him as I do for his honesty, because he said it had scared off someone he had previously been dating) he had been involved with porn use. He struggled with it at a later time during our engagement, but we talked it through and he joined a Christian support group and made it clear to me that I could ask anything about how he was doing at any time.

    I trusted him that he was clean of it finally, and still do, although from every once in a while the worry goes through my head that even if he is clean, if it could have affected our sex life. We were frequently and happily intimate during the honeymoon, and had sex at least 3 times a week for a while afterwards, though lately it’s been once, BARELY twice a week. Also, once or twice on the honeymoon, he was unable to get aroused and was frustrated at himself. We were doing fantastic otherwise, so we didn’t worry about it (or at least I didn’t).

    So, long story short, it’s definitely NOT four (hehe), but at least #2 / #3. We’re a little tight financially–staying on top of bills, but just barely, and not enough to get ahead. He’s told me that’s stressed him out, and I wonder if #3 could be an issue also because he’s obviously older. All that to say, I’m looking forward to reading these posts, because I want to tactfully approach this issue. I love him dearly, he’s a wonderful husband, and Sheila, I appreciate what you have to say about marriage. Certain topics have really helped me a lot. :)

  65. Due to my own problems with a “wife” who I am convinced intended for a failed marriage after she got what she wanted, where she showed how disrespectful, irreverent, rebellious, defiant and depriving of sexual intimacy she could be, I discovered something that may help many couples even though my “marriage” is over and isn’t worth saving anyway because of who I am “married” to.

    If you are a believer in the Creator who is a follower of Messiah that is led by His Spirit and is obedient to His instructions, consider there are two aspects of intimacy, which are desire and arousal. All too often, people base these on sensual and temporal properties. In other words, you have to work to get people warmed up to the experience. It is all about the attitude. If you have the lower libido and you fed your infants with the same frequency as you give sex to your spouse, you would probably have many infant deaths to deal with. Now, if you base your desire on duty of obedience according to Genesis 1:28;9:1,7 and 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and you based your arousal on anticipation of being with your spouse according to Genesis 2:24 and like references, you are basing desire and arousal on eternal properties. The only thing you need to do for this is proactively choose to do this and pray for the the Creator to encourage and lead to do this.

    Once you start this, proactively seek to be sexually intimate with your spouse as often as possible. For the women suffering from vaginal dryness, there are lubricants such as KY or something else that is very slick that can help. If you take every opportunity to be sexually intimate with your spouse, and one of you dies, the last memory the surviving spouse will have is the love both shared with each other.

    • ButterflyWings says:

      Dave, not trying to pick an argument but KY doesn’t work for everyone. In my relationship, it’s my husband who is the refuser, so I’m not making excuses to get out of sex. I discovered after pregnancy that sex was incredibly painful and would bleed after for 48 hours the three times we tried it, basically because of dryness. Lubricants didn’t help (actually made things worse due to allergy). I got lucky… turns out the problem was a hormonal imbalance from breastfeeding and once I stopped breastfeeding, this last time sex was 90% painfree and no bleeding at all. But I feel great sympathy for the women who do have pain during sex. The pain I suffered during sex the last few months was worse than the first time having sex ever (which just ask any woman and nearly every single one will tell you it’s quite painful that first time). I didn’t let the pain get in my way (I wanted the sex very much!) but I can understand the women who suffer (genuinely) severe pain from sex not wanting it as much as their husbands. Yes they should seek out treatment for it (because in a lot of cases there is a medical reason) but their husbands should also be understanding if sex that painful, that it’s not something that can be done several times a day like some men want.

      I just wish my husband had the desire to get treatment for his lack of interest.

  66. I am still trying to figure out why my husband will never initiate sex. Last time we had it was 2 years ago. Granted, we have several young children. But the “taking care of the kids” and “working hard” excuse can only go so far. I am petite, attractive and work out several times each week. I have tried to initiate countless times — to the point of total frustration — and all I get in response is “later….” Later? As in, when? It never happens. I have fantasized about other men, and I take care of my needs in “mechanical” ways. He lacks intimacy not only in sex. He won’t ever touch me sensually or wrap his arms around me even. It baffles me. I cannot remember the last time we really kissed, as in more than a peck on the lips before we go off to work. When I reach to hold his hand on occasion, he barely holds it back. He always complains of being tired, and I know he is, but is this a valid excuse for no sex in 2 years? He knows it truly hurts me, yet nothing has changed. He has no willingness to go to counseling.

  67. I am 26 years old and have been married for 4 years.
    My husband is 43 years old. The first year during our marriage I had the greatest sex life ever. He would make me feel so wanted. After that year he will let me go like two or even three months without sex and every time I try to talk to him about it he get so angry he yells at me. I am trying to keep my head straight to not cheat on him but I’m afraid that I have strong urges. I always wonder if he is cheating on me cause he travel very often he is a flight attendant. Please help!!!!

  68. undesirable says:

    I know that I’m not gorgeous or even beautiful, but I’m not bad to look at either. I’m thin, I have been the same weight since high school. Part of me keeps going back to is it my looks? But I haven’t changed, I’m the same average looking person he married almost 2 years ago. I have asked him what the problem is and I just get excuses. Too tired or you rather do it at night, and he prefers day. I then told him I don’t care what time of the day it is, I just want it. I am rejected all the time. I do seem to get lucky once a month though because I keep pestering for it. Oh and that time of month I usually get the comment, too bad we can’t do anything now. Seriously, what do you care? I stopped asking for it for a short time to see if he would initiate/it is wearing me down. And two months passed before I broke down and began nagging for it. I have sent photos, sexy texts, dressed for it, gone to bed in the birthday suit, and nothing but rejection. I can’t talk to friends about it, cause no one else I know admits to this problem. We don’t even have children yet, how is it going to be then? Or are kids even possible at this rate

    • Hi there,

      That’s really tough. I think you need to address this, and soon, before children come. Talk to a doctor; talk to a counselor; talk to a pastor, and tell your husband that he simply must deal with it. Is he using porn at all? Usually if men aren’t interested in sex, it’s because they’re getting a sexual outlet elsewhere. So see if you can figure out WHY he doesn’t want sex and then deal with it from there. But it won’t get better until you start taking action and setting limits and saying, “this is something we need to address. No ifs, ands or buts about it.”

  69. Im always the one to get sex going then he cums an im left looking stupid and unsatisfied…I don’t want to hurt is feelings but I masturbate more than we has sex…o yea he masturbates while watching porn…what can I do im not satisfied our marriage is great but the sex is like every blue moon…..HELP

    • The problem is his porn use and masturbation. It won’t get better until he stops. I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to draw the line and say, “no more porn. I won’t put up with this.” Porn is cheating on you, and it’s wrong, and it will wreck a marriage and only get worse unless you do something about it.

      • Why does my husband rejects me like bad credit when I try to initiate sex he always turn me down an I feel like a loser on one hand but then I know I can get the sex the affection the attention from someone else…im a good wife I work I cook and clean I jus want a little love but I keep getting rejected like my sex isn’t good enough….HELP

  70. This is my life NOW. Husband is unemployed. Had a stroke last year, thankfully minimal side effects. Not motivated to find a job but is helping me run my home based business.
    I want to make love at least 3x a week! Out of the blue – Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?(age 41) He would rather sleep, and will flirt with me a little during the day, get me all juiced up, and then switch off or shut down completely. It’s so frustrating, one would think that the average man would be thrilled his wife wanted sex all the time, but he is just not interested. He battles with ED, and that’s due to strong nerve medication, but I wonder sometimes if it’s a combination of the meds and psychological issues. Maybe if he dealt with the emotional side, the ED wouldn’t be all the time, but some of the time, or something we could work around? This is a daily struggle for me. I’ve come so close to having an affair, after beginning an emotional affair but shut it down before it became a full blown affair Some days I type a text message to this guy, and hover to send it, because I am so desperate for a physical relationship, and touch, and to be wanted and to feel alive. I haven’t pressed send/texted him yet, but the urge to do so is a DAILY.BATTLE.. Obviously my husband doesn’t know any of this. My husband has been counseled by our pastor that when one spouse has a higher sex drive than the other, the spouse with the lower drive should do their best to accommodate the spouse with the higher drive. He hasn’t heeded that at all, in fact he just wallowed in self pity even more after that session. Yesterday I casually asked him what he would do if I had an affair, and he told me he would forgive me, even though it would hurt, but he wouldn’t leave me. Why doesn’t he GET IT? I feel like I am strong some days, and then others the need for physical love is so great, I start thinking about how it could be with the other man-to just be able to feel alive, wanted, intoxicated and to be able to give pleasure to a man. I know I am in a very dangerous place, and am silently screaming for help, but he doesn’t seem to notice any signs or want to build up our marriage and physical relationship, even though he knows how badly I want it! What do I have to do – sky write it?????

  71. I don’t desire sex with my wife because she has an eating disorder and is so skinny she is no longer attractive to me or sexy at all anymore.
    So what can I do?
    Her body turns me off.

  72. I just had to chime in on this discussion because I am at my wits end with my fiance. We’ve been together 3 years and I guess I can honestly say the first year was great in terms of intimacy, affection, etc. He’s 40 and I’m 50. Now sex is pretty much non-existent. I’ve tried talking to him about it he doesn’t even seem interested in trying to see what’s wrong. Could be low testosterone, porn (I suspect he is watching it) or something else. But he seems content with us not having any intimacy. I kept saying to myself “what’s wrong with me???” It’s so damaging to your ego, self worth in the relationship now I have to constantly tell myself on a daily basis it’s not me because the constant rejection wears on you and I don’t want to be insecure or depressed as a result of his treatment. I’m turned on by him, but I never feel it’s mutual. I’m always the one initiating sex, being affectionate, etc. Most times I’m shot down. When he initiates it, it’s “you going to give me some?” No passion, no foreplay, no cuddling, kissing, just drop em and let’s go. Then when he says that 9 times out of 10 he’ll need assistance to get an erection (again in my mind, I’m thinking don’t I turn you on?) and there’s a 50/50 chance that will even work. Sometimes he’ll lose his erection in the middle of it, talk about depressing. The sex itself is reminiscent of a porn movie, without emotion, just sex.

    I love him, he’s a good man. He had a rough upbringing (both parents were on crack, they lived in a car for awhile, his mom died in front of him after she had been smoking all night), not sure if psychologically some of that is the culprit, but again, I’ve tried to talk to him and tell him I’m here for you, whatever help you need or we need as a couple, now isn’t the time to be prideful, let’s work on it together, I support you. .” he refuses, “I don’t need any help.” This is taking a serious toll on our relationship. I’ve always been a faithful partner to any man I was with, now I’m thinking what choices has he left me with here. . either I cheat to have my needs fulfilled or leave him. I’m think the latter, I just can’t do it anymore. I think of the men I’ve been in relationships with, and NEVER have I been with someone who acts like I’m an ugly toad. .or doesn’t care enough to see what’s wrong before he loses me. I’m good to him, very loving, very supportive and I feel stabbed in the back that he’s no cavalier about the issue.

  73. Katherine says:

    If you husband is significantly overweight, that causes a low sex drive. That is an unfortunate fact.

  74. ButterflyWings says:

    Katherine that is a generalisation not a “fact”. Yes, MOST people who are obese will have a lower sex drive but this is not always the case. There are some extremely overweight men and women who love sex.

    I am overweight due to a medical condition and have a high drive except when pregnant.

  75. MarriedMan says:

    What about the risks of hormone therapies? Testosterone pills can damage the liver and are linked to cancer. That leaves injections, which also are dangerous. Is it really worth risking your life? If you have kids still at home you have to think about that too.

  76. What do you do when your husband will not touch you for weeks or refuses to have sex.We were both virgins when we got married 8 years ago. I have expressed very calmly to my husband how important sex and touch are to me. I will give him a hug and he leaves his hands by his side. I go to kiss him and he turns away. I am a very caring, calm (most of the time) and acts of service kind of wife to my husband. He does not speak positive words to me and will criticize most days. He has unrealistic expectations that I could never achieve. I feel rejection and frustration most days. Usually I will cry quietly and spend time in prayer and writing in my journal. My husband was a man of God when I married him but after 4 years of marriage he turned his back on God. Things have been rocky ever since. He told me twice that he wanted to end the marriage since he was unhappy. This resulted in him withholding all aspects of the marriage for months. During those times I was able to connect much deeper with God and find support within my church. Then he would say he wanted to start over again. Since then things have been up and down with us. I try to stay even in my emotions and my faith keeps getting stronger. I am seeking counseling for the many years of rejection and abandonment from my husband (however, I am seeking advice as to how to live in that now as well). I have thought of leaving since we are really just living as roomates and my husband thinks things are fine just the way they are. He refuses to see a counselor or doctor. He stats he is fine. How does a wife continue to live in a marriage that is full of rejection and negativity. We do not go out together, we have different values, priorities and beliefs. We are living two separate lives. I have tried many times to initiate sex, to plan dates and to engage in his interests, Its a lost cause and I just give up. Its almost better if I just back off and do my own thing. I live with my husband praying that things will get better and to have hope that he will have a passion for God again. Its not easy and I struggle daily with thoughts of leaving. Thank you so much Sheila for your articles and website. It is comforting to read that others are in similar situations as I am.

  77. Wow, didn’t think I’d get on here and read something that sounds so much like my situation. I almost fell out the chair when I read the “. . he leaves his hands by his side. I go to kiss him and he turns away.” That sounds exactly like my fiance. I’m always affectionate and loving towards him and he just isn’t there. He hasn’t gone to the doctor, seems content with us having no intimacy and you’re right you start feeling like a roommate for sure! What a sad and depressing situation for us to be in, it really wrecks havoc on your self worth —- I’ve never had this happen to me with anyone else I’ve dated.

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] them to decide to stop. I’ve been writing a series of posts this week on what to do when a spouse doesn’t want sex, and we’re going to end the series today looking at the most extreme (but not all that rare) [...]

  2. [...] because your husbands don’t seem to have any sex drive. I’ve written posts for you here and here, and I do feel for you! But for many others, we’re tired of being [...]

  3. [...] want sex, I know that is so humiliating and discouraging, and I have a series of posts on that here. But if he’s the one who wants it more, I want to encourage you to think of sex not as [...]

  4. [...] And for those of you who have husbands who just don’t want sex, then I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote on it a while back, [...]

  5. [...] You see, my friends, men are really quite simple. They need two things: respect and sex. Just two things. Respect can be more easily defined as both affirmation and appreciation. When we affirm what they do and show them appreciation, they feel ten feet tall. When we make love to them, we affirm their manhood and they feel loved. And when they feel loved, they tend to feel less antsy, more compassionate, and more eager to keep pleasing us because they feel like the relationship is something they do well. (Now, I know some of you are married to men who don’t WANT to make love, and that’s a different problem. If you’re facing that one, I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote here). [...]

  6. [...] because my marriage is not the typical one – but it is more common than many people think. I have seen statistics showing that as many as 1 in 4 marriages would say that the wife has a stronger sex drive than her [...]

  7. [...] our husband’s libidos. But I need to put a big caveat in here first. Yesterday I listed the main reasons that a husband may have a low libido. When we talk about boosting a husband’s libido, you’ll often hear people say: just buy [...]

  8. [...] doesn’t mean that you aren’t desirable. It just means that he has some issues, but God is big enough even for [...]

  9. […] Your Husband Has No Libido Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex (with links to lots of follow-up posts) What Does 1 Corinthians 7:5 […]

  10. […] Often when we say we’re not compatible sexually it’s because one person wants sex more than the other. We tend to think it’s the guy, but in about one quarter of marriages it’s the woman with the higher libido, and she’s left wondering why her husband doesn’t want her. […]

  11. […] It’s also wrecking men’s libidos, and it’s one of the largest causes of men’s reduced sexual interest. In one study I read recently, college aged males were having far less sex with actual people […]

  12. […] “My Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love” […]

  13. […] if you’re the one who would be eager to jump him, and your husband is the one who always has the excuses, then you probably would like sex to be more of a priority, […]

  14. […] Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love? Another post that people read mostly from arriving from search engines. If your husband has a low […]

  15. […] guy IS sex obsessed? Then perhaps we wouldn’t feel so rejected. If you are in this situation, this post can help. But rest assured that you are not […]

  16. […] have as well). But here’s what started to happen: I have written several posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love, and these have become some of the most popular posts on this site. Many, many women who come here […]

  17. […] see a doctor. That’s not fair to your wife. You may be able to live with infrequent sex, but she feels undesired and unfulfilled, and you are responsible for that. Sex is not optional in a marriage. So go to a doctor! […]

  18. […] or because you did things before you’re married that you’re not proud of. Maybe he’s the one with no libido, and you feel really alone. Maybe sex has just fallen off your radar screen because you’re so […]

  19. […] My Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love (the first in a four part series; links at the end) My Husband Doesn’t Find me Attractive […]

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