I’ve just finished 29 Days to Great Sex, leading to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. And I was talking in that series a lot about how women can come to see sex in a new way, understanding the real joy and intimacy that it can bring, so that we can desire it more often.
When I was conducting the research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I asked women how often they made love, and who had the higher sex drive: she or her husband (along with other questions). Then I asked a bunch of guys the same thing. And while in the majority of cases the husband has the higher sex drive, in about 20-25% of marriages the woman does. So what do you do if you’re a woman, and you’re married to a guy who doesn’t really seem that interested in sex?
For the next four days I want to talk about what to do when your husband really doesn’t seem interested in sex. Maybe he has an abnormally low sex drive; or maybe it’s some other relationship or psychological issue. We’ll talk about how to understand what’s going on better, and then give some strategies about how to deal with this.
First, I believe that God created both men and women with sex drives. We both should yearn to make love. However, in general, men’s sex drives are more physically urgent. If their bodies doesn’t get sexual release, their bodies will actually do it for them during the night periodically. And men are much more visually stimulated than women are. They are supposed to be aroused fairly easily, because it gives them an impetus to really pursue women.
Therefore, a man with a low sex drive should be a rare thing. It’s a sign that something isn’t going right. Now, it could honestly just be a variation in population. In any given population, some with have extremely high sex drives, and some will have extremely low sex drives. However, look at any bell curve and you’ll see that these extremes are very tiny. They account for maybe 2%, not 20% or 25%. So there has to be something else going on.
What could those issues be?
1. He has transferred his desire elsewhere
The category that is rising the most right now are men who are not interested in sex within marriage because they’re getting release elsewhere, especially with pornography.
A man who is using porn will slowly find that it consumes more and more of his life, and more and more of his sexual energy. Porn rewires your brain to tell you that what is arousing is a picture or an image, not a real, flesh and blood person. And you often need more and more porn and more extreme porn to give you the same high that you felt when you started using it.
When men use porn, in general they often masturbate as well. And so it becomes quite likely that eventually they will stop desiring their wives in the same way. That’s why the idea that porn can be exciting in a marriage is so off base. Porn steals the natural desire you have for each other, so that you stop desiring each other. Sure, you may get aroused by the porn and then act it out with each other, but that’s not really making love anymore. The source of the desire was the image, not the person, and you’re still thinking about that image while you’re with your spouse.
Now, it’s not just men who use porn; about 25% of women in my surveys had sought porn out as well. But an overwhelming majority of men had sought out porn, and it is hurting many marriages.
If your husband has a really low interest in sex, and you can’t figure out a reason for it, verify that he isn’t watching porn. Check his computer and his phone, and have a talk with him about it. This post provides some help in figuring out how to start confronting that problem.
2. He doesn’t feel like a man
A man’s sex drive is all wrapped up in his concept of manhood. When he feels like a man, he’ll want to make love. But if he doesn’t feel like a man, he won’t. And what does it take to not feel like a man? If he isn’t sure of who he is, isn’t sure of his purpose, and isn’t sure of his role, he could easily have no sex drive.
For instance, I know a woman who is walking through this right now. She married her husband a little later in life when he was working part-time. He has never worked full-time. He tends to spend his life on the couch, not doing a whole lot. He has very low motivation for anything, and doesn’t get excited about very much except video games. He isn’t very involved with his children.
When you look at his life, you can see that he doesn’t seem to have a “will” to do anything. And if you look back at his childhood, you’d see that he was rarely affirmed in anything. He was rarely told by his dad that he was doing a good job. And so he was never sure if any decisions he made, or any steps he took, were the right ones. So he simply stopped taking any. To anyone on the outside he just looks extremely lazy, but I do think there’s more going on there. I think he fundamentally was scarred.
A man can have his masculinity scarred in other ways, too. The root to his scars lie in his family of origin; but even within a marriage he could not feel like a man. Please watch how you talk to your husband. I have heard so many women constantly pick at their husbands, constantly correct their husbands, and I don’t even know if they realize they’re doing it. Make sure that when something comes out of your mouth about your husband or to your husband that it is positive. Even if you’re talking about resolving some conflict, do it in a positive way. Do not browbeat your husband.
Also, if you’ve had an affair in the past, or even if you were sexually active before marriage, your husband may feel that he can’t measure up. And that can cause some men to stop being able to perform, because they’re nervous. Finally, if you spent years in the marriage rejecting your husband’s overtures, he can shut down. If you’ve now decided that you want to change and you want to make love again, he may have a very difficult time making that adjustment.
3. He has low testosterone
Another big category for those with low sex drive is an actual physical issue with the hormone that causes low sex drive. If he has low testosterone, he won’t desire sex as much. But low testosterone can also be caused by other physical problems, like diabetes or even some pain and depression medication. The problem with this category is that because he doesn’t feel the need for sex, he likely isn’t upset about it, and so it can be difficult to get him to talk to a doctor about it.
Low testosterone can also be caused by addictions to alcohol, drugs, pain medication, or even gambling or video games. When something else replaces the high our brains get for sex, it can cause testosterone to shut down.
The good thing is that this category is the easiest to fix–if you can get him to talk to a doctor. We’ll discuss in the next few days how to do that.
4. He’s nervous about his performance
Finally, there’s a category that’s a combination of #2 and #3. Let’s say that a man is nervous about the relationship and nervous about whether or not you really love him. One night you make love, and he can’t keep his erection. A week later it happens again. He was already feeling nervous; he was already feeling slightly humiliated within the relationship. Then erectile dysfunction hits, or perhaps premature ejaculation, and it becomes too much to bear, and he shuts down.
Or perhaps it wasn’t the relationship that was causing him to question his manhood; maybe it was his ability to earn a living. When a guy is unemployed, or feels like he can’t support the family, he already feels like he’s not a man. If he then can’t make love, it can become a vicious spiral, where he’s afraid of trying again because he doesn’t want to fail, so he just shuts off.
I’ve received many emails from women lately whose husbands fall into one of these categories (or else into almost all of them!). And these women feel humiliated. They feel as if they must be freaks, because everywhere else in our media it says that men are desperate for sex. Why don’t their husbands want them?
The message that I want you to take from this is that it likely has little to do with you. It’s often an issue within him, or within how he experiences the relationship, far more than it has to do with whether or not you are desirable.
We’ll look tomorrow at how to start tackling some of these things. But know that you are not alone, and know that it is becoming a problem that is increasingly more common. Hang in there!
If you’re in this situation, what specifically would you like to know? And do these categories resonate with you?
Follow-up posts in this series:
When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love: What You Can Do
Communicating Your Needs when your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Make Love
What To do When Your Spouse Withholds Sex
Sheila’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex talks at length about libido differences, including what to do when SHE wants sex more than he does.
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
The Road to Grace
In mentoring couples, we have found this to be quite true. If a man says he is not interested in sex, he is usually involved in pornography. It is sad how prevalent it is but I encourage the women to continue praying for their husbands because Jesus came to set the captives free and with Him, all things are possible.
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Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! I don’t think that I can say this enough Sheila. I have read quite a few marriage books and a handful of sex books, but I was never able to truly get over the hump of “putting it into practice” until I started reading your blog. In the last few weeks, our marriage has been transformed and our sex life if G-R-E-A-T! Our bond is honestly better than I thought it could be, especially from where we started. I don’t know what it was that clicked, but my husband and I are so glad that it did.
Thank you!
I’d add a fifth reason — a man in the middle of his life is often very busy and stressed with work and the burdens of raising a family. He may be interested in sex but not initiate because he thinks it will take too much time and effort to get his wife revved up. Or perhaps the stress has driven sex out of his mind entirely.
Fortunately, this is an easy problem to deal with: the wife should initiate sex with her husband. That will indicate that she is already more than half-way revved up, so sex will take less time and effort on his part. Even if sex is not on his mind at all, a woman with reasonable hygiene and weight is 100% guaranteed to get a man interested in sex in a matter of seconds if he isn’t gay, completely addicted to porn, has medical issues, or is working under a deadline that absolutely cannot be postponed.
If women are initiating sex without success, it may be the case that they are not truly initiating. For the first several years of our marriage, my wife thought she was initiating if she gave a verbal indication or subtle cues that she was interested in sex. This is not initiating — it is merely showing availability. And if a man is preoccupied with work, indicating availability may not be enough to tip the scales. My wife took a more passive approach because she feared rejection, but ironically taking a passive approach made rejection more likely.
Now my wife has learned that initiating means acting in a way that seems very aggressive to a woman. The goal must be to physically arouse. My wife now thinks it is fun to see how quickly she can turn my mind from 0% sex to 100% sex. And her effort works every time.
Good point, and I was planning on talking about this more on Day 3–when it’s a good idea, and when it’s not. But thank you for bringing it up here, and for offering a guy’s perspective!
I think this is definitely an issue for us – my husband is very driven, and finds it hard to shift out of work mode and unwind. I struggle with initiating things due to that “good girls don’t” message I received growing up. So I’m looking forward to Sheila’s suggestions on Day 3!
Awesome! I’ll try to come up with some good ones!
I believe (and after some really great talks with my husband lately, inspired by the 29-day series, thanks Sheila) that this is indeed our main issue too. My husband has a very busy job and he’s very dedicated to it, and according to him it is almost always on his mind as he can’t leave teaching music at the door of the school. We’ve made GREAT progress with me taking more initiative, which I had become scared to do early in our marriage because I was so tied up in feeling low self-worth because HE wasn’t initiating. I’m really going to look forward to more ideas, too!
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Thank you for mentioning this! I think this is why my husband doesn’t initiate sex very often. He’s exhausted when he comes home from work and never feels like there’s enough time for sex and everything else he wants/needs to do. He says he thinks about sex (with me) a lot and wants to do it, but by the time he gets home from work it’s usually not his biggest priority. I’ve tried to initiate more, but I feel like if I always initiate I’ll never give him the chance to initiate. I’m always the go-getter in our marriage because he’s more laid back, so I’m always trying to let him lead and make decisions rather than jumping up and doing it myself before he even has a chance. How do I do that with initiating?
You’ll need to make a choice between less frequent sex that he initiates or more frequent sex that you initiate. What would you prefer?
I wouldn’t worry that initiating sex will undermine his leadership in the marriage. I think it would instead be affirming.
Thanks, that is really encouraging to know that initiating sex would affirm him, rather than make me the “leader” in our sex life. Thanks for giving a man’s perspective!
Totally agree. The one thing that men kept saying in their surveys was how much they loved it when their wives initiated. What we have to understand is that what men get out of sex is far more than sexual release–it’s that feeling that they are affirmed. And initiating does that. So go ahead and initiate away!
HOWEVER, at the same time, it’s quite likely that you need him to initiate, too, for your own needs to feel desired. So I’d say initiate, because that helps him feel like a man, but also keep playing with him and talking to him and keeping the lines of communication open so you can also convey your own needs, which are very legitimate, too.
I need him to initiate a little bit more to feel like I am needed and wanted. And for longer then 15-20 minutes. I am a little bit tired of initiating all the time and having to do all the work. I guess that is what you get for rushing into things before you get married and he has never needed to use forplay so is totally confused that I might want foreplay.
I think this is becoming the main problem in our marriage, and with many friends that I speak to. The one thing that husbands with low sex drive have in common is stress. Over the last few years a few have lost jobs, others had their hours cut and really worry about providing. Not only that, not providing has an impact on his manhood and self confidence. It seems to be a vicious cycle.
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I think point #4 is a great one. How often have women posted on here that they don’t feel like having sex because of the stress of work(or work at home), getting the kids to soccer, making nutritious meals, keeping up on the housework, etc. ,etc. So, I wonder what would happen if we had to “get it up” after stressing all day? I mean, when we aren’t “turned on” sometimes it shows and sometimes it doesn’t, but we can still have sex. A man HAS to get an erection for intercourse to work. That can be a lot to ask when you are worried about paying the bills, applying for jobs, or even trying for that big promotion or also trying to raise a family, etc. Not getting an erection because of that stress only adds to that sense of failure.
I also think the above can lead to a lot of other marital issues, but that is besides the point.
I think the best thing you can do in those situations is just love him. Give him lots of empathy without smothering him with the issue, which is in itself a balancing act, but I would liken it to a woman with body issues. The best thing to do for her would be to be patient and loving, but to compliment her, but not compliment in such a way that it’s going to seem obvious that you are “just” doing it to help her.
I wish there was a “like” button for both of your comments, Rachel! I completely agree with both, and believe that feeling compassion for your spouse is key. My blog post linked to this comment is about that very thing, in fact.
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My husband and I were married 7 years ago after dating for several months. As of today we have never consummated our marriage. He is unable to perform and I don’t think he really wants the I intimacy. I was very hurt and angry when he refused to try or even seek some help. But I am holding to my marriage vows even though I feel our marriage is a sham. We live like a brother and sisters and don’t even sleep in the same room. how can I fight the resentfulness and rejection I feel, as I try to be a wife in name only?
Karla, that is so sad! I’m really sorry this is happening to you. A few thoughts occur to me: does he have trauma in his past? Or perhaps homosexual tendencies?
I truly respect your urge to honor your marriage vows, but I would just caution against letting him live this way, because if he has a deep seated problem (which sounds likely), what he really needs is healing, not an excuse to be able to go ahead broken. I’d recommend reading this post about being a spouse vs. being an enabler and then really pray that God will send you someone to talk to and help guide you through this.
Many prayers and blessings,
Sheila.
Pornography and regaining trust.
I’m so glad you are discussing this. I have been thinking this as you have gone through the 29 days. This is the case in my marriage right now and it is very frustrating!
I am currently reading Honey I don’t have a headache—AWESOME!!!!! I was reading a christian diet book also. Over the weekend I felt God speaking to me to stop reading the diet book. I started reading your book and it just reinforced what I had already heard from God. The more of the diet book I read the worse I felt about myself and my body…By Sunday I had the devil shouting in my ear about my “deficencies” and lacks.
Just by reading the book I don’t have a Headache, it is pointing me in the direction of loving myself as God loves me because I am his creation and He made me just how he wanted me to be….
Fourteen weeks ago today my husband confessed to me that he had been doing porn on the internet… and it had been going on for SEVERAL years. This definitely affected our sex life. I had no idea what was going on all those years, but I knew that something didn’t feel right. Since then he has explained everything in terms of feeling ashamed and not wanting to initiate, not being able to initiate because he already had his release earlier in the day, etc.
If you are going through this right now… know that you are not alone. It’s a painful experience, and it takes a while to heal. I also had to acknowledge my part in all this… don’t get me wrong, I realize that it was not my fault that he made this choice… but I could have been guarding him against those temptations. If he had felt more satisfied in our relationship (emotionally, physically, etc), it may have been easier for him to resist that temptation. Putting my kiddos first and giving my husband the leftovers definitely had a negative affect on our sex life and our marriage. We are now rebuilding our marriage and, in many ways, it has been the best 14 weeks ever!!!
As wives, we have a great deal of power… we can lift up our husbands and help them to be all they can be, or we can beat them down. Having a healthy sex life will help make your husband feel like a man… it boosts his confidence and self-worth.
I want to commend you on your honesty and bravery stating that you could have guarded your husband. You are absolutely correct — the fault of his bad choices is his fault…not yours. But you are also absolutely right that a healthy sex life at home helps guard men against the daily temptation we face.
I became addicted to pornography, and was trapped for many years until God literally reached into the filth and pulled me out before it destroyed everything. Was my wife in any way at fault for my wrong choice? No — absolutly not! But the sad part is she could have given me the strength to make the right choice. I never wanted to start looking at porn to begin with, and I tried to fight the temptation. I even tried to tell my wife that I needed to see her and have all of her — but she felt like the only “good” sexuality is extrodinarily inhibited sexuality. That only “whores” wear sexy nightgowns and only “sluts” do anything for their husbands that would be visually stimulating. She would not even discuss sexual desires, instead wanting to know what was wrong with me (ummm…I’m a man???)
Wives — you can build one of the best defenses possible to protect your husbands from the constant barrage of wrong messages the world is throwing at us. Just like a good man who is full will not steal food, a good man who is sexually satisfied at home will not wander to others.
My husband has low testosterone and it is a huge struggle for us, even though he is being treated for it. The biggest thing is that he just doesn’t really see sex as an issue at all; it’s as if he wants a complete marriage, but if there was no sex, he’d be fine with that.
I am a Christian and love my God. However, at this time, I am struggling with being very angry with God because I am a “good girl,” raised in a Christian home and although I dated a lot before marriage (and fooled around), I saved myself for marriage and for my husband. Now I feel like I’ve been cheated or robbed. I know life’s not fair, and that there are worse things people are dealing with, but for me, I feel lonely, rejected, and bitter. He is a fabulous man, father, and husband, but it breaks my heart that he doesn’t see any need for sex in marriage. He’s not into porn, addicted to anything, etc….just apathetic towards sex.
In a way, it’s worse, because there’s no “addiction” to stop, no “sin” to confess, nothing that can be “fixed.” Even with his testosterone levels raised to where they should be, he doesn’t really care about sex at all.
He still makes love to me because he knows it’s something I need, but I wish it was something HE actually needed, too.
Amy, what you’re feeling is so natural! I’m going to deal with this more on Wednesday: how to communicate your needs to your husband, and deal with your rejection and loneliness. All I can say here is to concentrate on the things that you do love about your husband. It sounds like he is trying to meet your needs, even if it’s not the degree of intimacy that you would like. I understand that what you’re really lacking is the passion and intimacy, and I hope that I can give you some thoughts on Wednesday on how to talk to him about this.
AMy,
My hubby of nearly 28 yrs has been suffering from Low T as well. He is receiving shots every two weeks. At first it was very difficult because I was not interested in sex anymore because we found out four yrs earlier that our oldest son was gay and my hubby blamed me and he withdrew blaming my family. Like we’ve got anything to do with that! Well that in turn made him lose his sex drive all together. When I tried to initiate, I was turned down therefore I was frustrated and through counseling with our youngest son I discovered that we as a couple needed counselingin a christian setting. So in November we started counseling every week very faithfully! He continues his shots and we have an awesome sex life now and have completed the 29 days here with Sheila and have read her new book already and it really puts everything we are going through in perspective with GOD! Our counselor was stunned that after only 12 sessions our sex life was on target and a huge priority in our marriage!
I will pray for you and your hubby and I know that GOD will see you through this as well!
God Bless!
While you guys are complaining about your man, I’m a man with a wife that has no interest in sex except for 4 times a year mostly when she feels guilty. We are married for almost 21 years with kids and if I could start life over I would never want to do this again.
At times I wish I had testosterone problems so it wouldn’t bother me. She wasn’t always like this but about 4 years into the marriage it got worse and worse.
I can’t even touch her in bed and I mean my feet just touching her accidentally…she gets angry.
If we talk about it she is extremely angry and marriage council didn’t work.
If I’m naked in front of her she doesn’t even see me.
Count your blessings it could be worse…pray for us please.
I’m not abusive, addicted to porn etc…I love my wife and kids, my wife just has no sex drive.
I’m so sorry about that, Jehu. Did you read today’s post and yesterday’s post, about how to communicate with her about it? I know there are many, many men in your situation, and I know how difficult it can be. You can’t change another person, but I’ve tried to give some thoughts as to how to at least talk in a productive way about it. I hope that helps, and I hope that she can long for intimacy one day.
Sadly, Jehu, a lot of women are ashamed about sex. Especially if they had sexual relations before their marriage. The best book I’ve read about it is, “Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual” by Dr. David Clarke. It tackles these issues from a Christian perspective. Maybe your wife would at least be willing to read it? I don’t know. Some women just don’t like sex period. I can’t personally relate to that, as I love sex; and thankfully, I am blessed to have a husband who loves to oblige me. But my heart definitely goes out to you, because a lot of my personal women friends just don’t like sex, and I see how it really negatively affects their marriages. God bless you Jehu! I will pray for you and your wife today.
Amy, how are things now?
I know you wrote this a few months ago but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. I have exactly the same situation and it kills me. He just doesn’t feel the need for sexual contact. He will have sex with me if I start it but in order to get him to start something it takes me literally braking down in tears feeling unloved and unwanted before he will do anything. And then it doesn’t really count because I feel like I forced him to do it out of guilt. I long for the feeling that he needs me and can’t keep his hands off me, but at this point I don’t think I will ever get it. Sometimes I worry that this could end our marriage and no matter how many times I talk to him (which isn’t easy) he doesn’t see the problem. It’s just not something that is important to him.
I’m so sorry, Jessica. That’s so hard. If there’s any way that you could have him get his testosterone level checked that may be a really good idea, because it isn’t normal to have no sex drive at all, or to find sexual contact unnecessary. It’s too bad that he’s choosing to miss out on something that is so wonderful in marriage! I pray that God will give you peace and fulfillment anyway.
Dear Jess, am so sorry to hear about ur problem
I wish we can be friends, because I am going thru
The same problem with my husband I initiate sex and
Sometimes I have to cry our my eyes for him to be moved
To sleep with me, then that makes me feel bad that I have
Once again manipulated him and he never desires me. This makes
Me sad, very sad and heartbroken. Please I need all the help
And advice I can get becos I have been married for four years
And I pray God will not allow me commit adultery. Pls help me.
Maureen, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and it is not okay that someone decides that they aren’t going to make love. I’ve written more about this here and here. I hope those help you! Blessings,
Sheila.
Responding to Amy.. my situation is like hers. Also raised to ”save myself’ for marriage and believed it would be an adventure we would share. Now it seems we’ve had kids, I AM fatter (trying to deal with it) and yet it is not just my weight – he has never been that interested, even when I was thin and much younger. I also feel cheated and that I am living with a nice man as though he is my brother, rather than my husband. And yet one cannot speak about this to anyone… I love him and he loves me, he is just not that interested, never has been, he DOES panic about his performance (he denies this at times but he breaks out in a sweat so I can tell when he is panicking!) I have NEVER mocked him or blamed him and I cannot understand why he is so lacking in trust that after 25 years he cannot be honest about what is bothering him. I feel totally cheated and robbed of a fulfilling life and I feel that he is being selfish.
I am so glad someone knowledgeable and respectable is coming out and addressing this issue. When I got married, five years ago, I never realized I was (we were) in for this sort of thing. Seeing as how we “saved ourselves” for marriage, I thought it would all be easy-peasy, piece of pie.
After five years, we have made some great strides, and are finally starting to enjoy a really great level of intimacy, regularly — and I give all credit to God! He has faithfully shown us both areas in which we need to concede to the other, and He has revealed other, “deeper” issues that are at the root of the whole mess.
There is hope, GREAT hope — but for us, it was a slow, painful process. But now, we are so grateful and recognize the blessing that it is to be physically intimate with one another!
I think I went off on a tangent…I wanted to add that when I first started looking for help — there was NOTHING said about this topic. That was only 5 short years ago, glad to see this is coming to the surface, and HOPE is rising!
“Also, if you’ve had an affair in the past…”
“Finally, if you spent years in the marriage rejecting your husband’s overtures…”
“The message that I want you to take from this is that it likely has little to do with you. It’s often an issue within him, or within how he experiences the relationship, far more than it has to do with whether or not you are desirable.”
So what I am hearing you say is it is the husband’s issue(s), not the wife’s issue(s)? Pretty much ever.
As a man, I am going to have to disagree. Those things are called consequences from the wife’s actions. This, “…he can shut down. If you’ve now decided that you want to change and you want to make love again, he may have a very difficult time making that adjustment.” is a consequence of the wife’s actions. A consequence of her rejecting the “man she loves” possibly for years or a consequence of her having an affair. Certainly, you are right, that the man now has to deal with those issues but he would never have had to deal with those issues if his wife had been doing what she should have been doing from the start.
That is just holding someone accountable to do what they said they would do when they made those vows. That is just holding someone accountable to do what they said they would do when they said they would be faithful and love their spouse.
I have been reading your blog off and on for awhile and it seems that you are consistently soft on women, never really holding them accountable for their choices / actions. I will be reading more, as well as the older posts and look forward to being proven wrong.
ROI,
While I haven’t read enough to testify whether or not this author is easy on women, it is clear that she writes to women, and understands what women need to hear. This is directed at women who want to fix their love life, but is finding resistance from husband. A woman who is repentant of what she is done in the past deserves forgiveness. It is just as wrong for a man to hold bitterness towards his wife as it is for her to sin against him.
So you’re saying that if I’ve made a mistake, done something wrong, caused my husband to become angry for some reason, then he can withhold all affection and sex to “hold me accountable”; to “teach me the consequences of my actions” ?!? I did not ever cheat on my husband. I was/am not into porn; my sin is that I got pregnant from mutually consentual sex and he was mad b/c *he* didn’t want a baby right then. My sin was that I chose to use credit cards unwisely and ran up a large debt trying to feel loved and needed b/c he would have nothing/little to do with me. For the credit card debt, I apologized and have tried to make amends- I live within his very limiting budget, I have no access to any money other than the cash he gives me for groceries, I can only have $20-25 for gas in the vehicle I drive each week so that limits where I can go, I don’t get new clothes and shoes unless I am able to sell things I have to buy them or unless I can save up enough change to go to the goodwill or other thrift store sales to buy something. I have offered to get a job but he won’t let me. And on top of all that he’s allowed, its reasonable, even acceptable for him to punish me by taking away from me the things he knows I want most? How is that loving? I keep washing his clothes and folding them and putting them away, hanging them up, cleaning his bathroom and making sure he has clean towels every day, cleaning the house, cooking the meals, raising the children pretty much alone b/c he has MUCH more important things to do, I take his verbal spewing about how selfish and wicked, sinful and empty I am, I listen to how stupid and insane I am, I hear how there’s something morally wrong with me, how he won’t pray for me b/c that’s something I need to do for myself, how self-centered I am, how I think only of myself and on and on and on. And I keep doing my job of keeping the household running and raising the children and still find time to do little nice things for him to show that I care about him, and he’s ALLOWED to treat me this way to hold me accountable? To show me the consequences of my actions? What about the consequences for *his* actions pray tell? Sorry, but you’ve hit a real sore spot for me.
I don’t know what anyone else is saying, but I say, “NO WAY!” Withholding sex is not biblical. Paul teaches we should not withhold sex except for an agreed upon time of prayer and fasting. So, no. It is not right for your husband to withhold sex as a punishment. And vice-versa, too.
Amythest,
You are in an abusive relationship and you know it. Knowing it is the first step toward healing. Seek counseling with your husband. He is overly controlling and angry. The bible does not condone abusive relationships and you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes physical. Before your children grow up thinking this is how their marriage is supposed to be.
Good luck, God bless and be careful.
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I am feeling so much better reading these posts. This site has been such an encouragement to me since I found it two weeks ago. I bought the Good Girls Guide to Great Sex the first day it was out. I am married to a much younger man who has no sex drive at all but is a total video game fanatic. We have had many talks about this, and while he sees no correlation between nightly gaming and our lack of intimacy this post has gotten me to at least get him to go to the Dr. and have his testosterone checked and talk about underlying issues that could be contributing to his lack of drive. It has given me words I needed in order to address a few things, as well as back up material – when I feel he is ready – to read over with him and discuss. Thank you for being frank, honest and giving me hope that this truly is an issue we can work on together. I don’t want to lose my desire, from his lack of desire, and have a passionless marriage. Thanks
Roja, tune in tomorrow, because I’ll be talking about how to really talk to your husband about this! And the key is exactly what you said: you don’t want to have a passionless marriage. Glad you’re finding this useful!
awesome article…i would like to know more about issue #2 idk if my hubby is involved i porn…he deletes his history pretty frequently and i have asked him if he is he always says no.
thanks for writing this!
Gia, if your husband is deleting his internet history, and is spending a lot of time on the computer, that doesn’t bode well to me. Especially if he’s not interested in sex. Do you have any kind of older mentor couple, or accountability partners? Some churches encourage men to find other men they can go out to coffee with once a week or so to ask honest questions about stuff like this. That may be something useful to look into. And I would definitely continue the conversation about why he’s deleting the internet history!
My husband has diabetes and sleep apnea- it makes for very low sex drive he is always exhausted- But he does enjoy it if I initiate- which I have been doing a lot more of- cheers!
Great post as always, I am not married to anyone but I believe it would help when I am getting married soon. Well, anyway I had read several articles about this and you had the same thoughts about it. Thanks a lot for sharing this!
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This is an issue in our marriage, too. For starters, he has a lower drive than me. Plus, he leaves for work very early in the morning, and therefore goes to bed early. And no matter how hard we try, we cannot seem to get our 3-year-old daughter to sleep before him (we start the bedtime process at 7:30; she sometimes doesn’t fall asleep until 11). On those times when he does want sex (or the times when I initiate), it’s not unusual for him to decide that it’s too late after daughter falls asleep and put it off for the next day, or the next. And by the time we get to it, he’s usually so desperate that it doesn’t last very long and not much time is spent on me. It’s… frustrating. And being forward on my part doesn’t seem to matter a bit unless he’s already in the mood. Anything less than a week after having sex, I can waltz in front of him naked and it’s as if he doesn’t see me. *sigh* I wish I knew how to make things better.
(BTW, I know it’s not a porn problem. Just thought I’d make that clear.)
Leigh, I know what it’s like to have a kid that makes things difficult by not going to bed on time. We have a baby now that for the longest time wouldn’t go to sleep until at least 10 pm and sometimes 11. We were eventually able to get her sleep cycle adjusted to where she goes to bed around 9. Since you have a 3-year-old, my suggestion is to get her ready for bed (bathed, in pj’s, read a story, etc) and simply tell her that it’s bedtime and she must stay in her bed. She doesn’t have to be asleep, but she must stay in bed. Be firm and consistent. Have a bedtime (say 8:30 or 9) and show her that the clock says it’s time for bed. She can’t get up any more or she will get a spanking (or whatever discipline you use – just don’t give her attention after bedtime or she will keep getting up). If she gets up, discipline her and put her right back in bed without cuddling or any other attention. Better yet, make her walk back and get in bed herself. Do it as many times as necessary until she falls asleep. If you are consistent (and if she doesn’t get too much sleep during the day), I guarantee, she will learn to go to bed earlier (probably within a couple weeks). Once she knows that she has to stay in bed, she’ll be likely to simply let you tuck her in and go right to sleep. It’s better for a child to have a regular and early bedtime anyway (makes them happier, healthier, and more secure). But when the evening is the best time for making love to your husband, it’s especially important for her to go to bed on a schedule.
Leigh, just to add to what Lindsay said which was really great advice, I would stop giving your daughter a nap during the day. If she absolutly has to have one then only let it be for 30 min to an hour early in the afternoon. I stopped giving my son a nap around three years old because I found that when I gave him a nap he wasn’t tired until 10 pm. My son goes to bed every night around 8 pm and wakes up around 7 am.
Leigh, I’ve been in your exact same shoes. I’d suggest you ask your husband to have his testosterone checked. It has helped for us.
I think the percentage of women using pornography is actually higher than cited because most statistics fail to include romance novels. We must remember that just as men are more visually stimulated, women are more emotionally stimulated. Just as visual pornography creates an unrealistic expectation in men, emotional pornography creates an unrealistic expectation in women. We must be very careful with the entertainment we allow to shape our outlook. Romantic comedy anyone?
My husband must be in the two percent.
Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex once that was our wedding night. It only lasted maybe 10 minutes. after we we’re done he slept out on the balcony of our hotel. I was left crying almost all night. Also that was the last time we were in bed together. He wouldn’t go on our honeymoon, I had to cancel that. He just wanted to go home so he could get some sleep because he was going to work and he moved to the midnight shift. Also he moved himself down to the basement and set up house keeping. We hadn’t been married 72 hours and I was alone. I tryed to go back home but my parents wouldn’t let me, they said you married him and now its your problem. I really couldn’t leave him because I had no where to go, so I stayed. Now here I’m in my mid 60s and still confused, depressed, upset, and hoping GOD will take me away from all this .
Decaf i just wanted you to know that ive read what you wrote and i am praying for you. ive only been married 8 months so really dont know a lot about marriage but i know how important it is to know people are praying for your marriage. i feel like God has a lot of love to pour out over you. i am reminded of Zephaniah 3:17 ‘For the Lord your God has arrived to live amoung you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.’ i hope you dont find that condescending , i just felt like if id written something like that id want to know someone had read it and was praying. Blessings!
While I appreciate all the possibilities of why my husband never wants to have sex, I noticed my issue isnt here. He had an affair with a beautiful size 4 blonde 23 year old after catching him and the affair ending, he has no interest in me at all. Basically stays for our daughter he had sex regularly twice a week or more with her but bately anages once
Elle, that’s so tough! I’ve written about that problem here. It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage, and that’s a difficult thing. There aren’t any quick fixes. But what I’d say is don’t try to start with sex; try to start with friendship. If you can rebuild trust and goodwill, often the sex will follow. So while I’m sure you feel very rejected and hurt, try to focus on doing things together–anything–that you can laugh together about. Try to find ways to take up new hobbies, or just go for walks, or rebuild. It’s the emotional intimacy that you’re going to need before the sexual intimacy can come. I hope that helps!
I’m there with you, Elle. First time my husband lost interest, I thought it was work and ministry troubles. Then I thought porn. Turns out it was an emotional affair (affair with everything but intercourse). We tried counseling and sort of had a “go along to get along” relationship. Then the sex really slowed down – even when I initiated, I was turned away. I thought it was age or low testosterone or the troubles at work or his extreme busyness or maybe porn. Turns out to have been a full-blown romantic and sexual affair with another woman.
He gave her up, stayed with us for the kid’s sake, he’ll have sex if I initiate, but I never am touched or given release – I do all the work, he gets all the sex. He refuses to complement me or say he loves me or go out with me. I wonder if this is the story of the rest of my marriage – polite coexistence.
Trying to believe that God loves me and wants me and accepts me – hard when your spouse does not. And hard to trust that all this is for my best and God’s glory. Praying for you and your marriage – hopefully God will restore the emotional intimacy to your relationship.
I just got married to my wonderful husband a month ago and in that time we have made love about 5 times. Mind you for about 5 days I had ‘that time of the month’ but still …. and out of those 5 times I have not climaxed once. I told him I haven’t but once he is done .. WE are done.
Before we were married we really struggled with this. We both wanted to ALL the time. Every time we got together we would talk about it .. how we couldn’t wait to be married so we could all the time. Now we are married and it doesn’t happen.
I want to and think about it numerous times a day. I look at him and want him so badly. Every time he touches me .. even just holding my hand .. I want to run up to the bedroom. And he used to be the same way. I try to let him know. I go to bed wearing nothing and he covers me with a blanket and goes to sleep. Before we were married this would have drove him crazy ! I touch him and tell him how much I love him and how attracted I am to him. I try to dress the way he likes. I workout and run. Mostly for me but also so that he will like how I look.
I am so so sad. I looked forward to marriage for so many reasons but this one thing is making me second guess everything. I try to push the desire away .. I want to make myself not want to. I want it to go away. Lately, I have been thinking really bad things about other men. That if it was another man he would ‘want’ me all the time. That if I had married ‘so and so’ we would make love all day and night. But it’s not those men that I want. It’s my husband. I love him so much. He’s the one that completes me and the one I long for.
My friends husbands want to have sex constantly and it’s my friends (the women) that don’t. What is going on ? I feel unwanted and unattractive. I feel ugly. My husband used to tell me and show me how badly he wanted me. He doesn’t anymore. I want to get in my car and drive away from this. I just don’t understand.
Heather, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this so soon after your marriage! Marriage is a really huge adjustment, and often there are big disappointments at first, and it takes a few years to really feel connected. That’s honestly not unusual.
However, if you were all over each other before you were married, and now he seems really uninterested, I’d just work through the list in this post and make sure everything’s okay. Is he using porn at all? Do you have access to his computer and you can check? I’m not saying he absolutely is, it’s just that often this is the root of many of these sorts of problems. And I’d also just talk to him openly about what’s going on. Cultivate a friendship so you can laugh together, but then do talk to him about these issues. Ask if you can have a talk, maybe once a week, where you check in and really go over how you’re both feeling in the marriage.
Finally, it would be a really good idea to join some sort of a newlywed Bible study or something like that, so that you could both learn about marriage together. I hope that helps!
My husband also has a lower sex drive than I do. I have gained about fifteen pounds since we got married, and I can’t help but blame myself. We still have sex, and we both initiate. But I know he accesses porn, and even if he isn’t accessing porn (he tries to stop occasionally), he masturbates. I feel like he doesn’t desire me.
I don’t know how to talk to him. When I do, he feels guilty without seeing any possible solution, and I start feeling insufficient. We are best friends and have no other problems in our marriage. And we do still have sex four or five times a week. I don’t know what to do.
Oh, Angela, that’s so sad! And 15 pounds is nothing. Seriously. You are not the cause of him using porn. Really.
If you’re both Christians, I’d really think about talking to a Christian mentor about this, or ask a couple if they can come talk to you together. If he’s not a believer, then it’s a little more difficult, because he may not see anything morally wrong with it. In that case, I’d try to keep working on your friendship, which it seems like you do have, so that you can keep communicating and talking.
I know it’s really rough, but you are not to blame. Most men honestly do separate the two in their heads–wife and porn. They don’t see one as affecting the other, even though it does. So he honestly likely doesn’t mean it against you, not that this makes it easier (or right). If you can really talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel, that would be the best first step. Then bring in a mentor or someone who can support you both.
Sheila, we are both Christians. We’re in an odd place because we don’t really know any committed Christians who we could talk to. We have relatives (not an option) who are Christians, and most of our friends are not Christians and would see this as a non-issue.
He does see me as completely separately from masturbation, and he says he still finds me desirable. I can talk to him about the situation and how it makes me feel, and I try once in a while, but nothing changes. I don’t think he would have any interest in talking to someone outside of our marriage about this, and I honestly don’t know what I can do or say. I know he loves me, and we are so happy with our life together.
Angela, I think you have two choices then. You can pursue this, which likely involves bringing in a third party to talk to him. Or you can decide that you’re going to continue in the relationship regardless. I’m honestly not sure what is the best course of action. You’ll have to really pray over it. But one thing you can’t do is live in this limbo where you’re really upset and hurt but nothing changes. So I’d just pray and ask God to give you a peace–either to escalate to the next level or to decide to drop it. I can’t say which is right. I do think that porn is extremely serious, and OFTEN (though not always) it escalates. But if it’s just occasional, and he really isn’t going to change, then you need to decide if you’re able to live with it.
I’m sorry that’s not more help. I know you’re in a really tough situation. I just pray that God will show you clearly what you should do.
I just want to thank you for being a light in the dark when I’ve felt like no-one understands this problem.
Our sex stopped immediately after our marriage and since then (1.5 years now) I haven’t been able to show to him how important this is to me without him becoming too defensive to communicate or accusing me of being too demanding sexually. As it stands, we’re intimate (on average) once every 3 or 4 weeks which is about how long it takes me before I break down and he obligingly fulfills my need.
I’m not sure about the other woman here but, for me, the biggest struggle has not been physical desire but the feeling that my whole hearted love and devotion is not enough. That my husband doesn’t want me.
Thanks again. As others have said, just knowing I’m not alone has healed my heart a little.
I know this is an older post but I just wanted to say THANK YOU!! I literally have tears streaming down my face right now, I’m so happy. This has been such an issue in our marriage and I’ve searched for information and prayed but the only advise I could find was secular so I am SO happy to have found a supportive, informative CHRISTIAN based article! I make it a point not to talk to anyone, even my mother, about my husband and our sex-life (or lack-there-of) because I don’t want to disrespect him or people to think less of him. I’ve been suffering in silence for 3 years now and like some other people who have commented, it started on our honeymoon! I am so encouraged to know I’m not alone. Praise God I found you! I have hope that my marriage can change!
My husband and I were together 2 1/2 years before getting married. We have been married for 13 momths and have an 8 month old daughter. I feel so undesired. When we were dating we had sex almost daily and now it seems maybe once every 3 weeks if that even. Our anniversary was oct 14th and we had planned a romantic night but it still hasnt happened. The last time we had sex was a week before that.
My husband will be 22 in March and I 21 in January. He’s really into video games. He tells me we’re going to have sex but continues to put it off. Either his stomach is hurting, he has gas, has a headache, or just isnt in the mood. He plays his games every night until about 2am and then comes to bed. I know he watches porn, sometimes we do together but it doesnt seem to make him want me. Im a Christian but hes more along the lines of agnostic. So its hard to talk to him about it. I believe what the Bible says about not witholdimg from your spouse but our beliefs are different and if he doesnt want to then it wont happen. We are currently living with his parents while we get back on our feet. Maybe that is having an effect? We are both working though. Idk how to get him to want me. Ive pretty much given up trying to initiate bc I always get rejected. Its sad but to keep my mind from going crazy about thinking about sex Ive just started counting the days to see how long I can go without it. It sucks to say the least. We had sex more when I was pregnant (huge belly and all) than we’ve had since our daughter was born. Is he feeling inadequate as a man bc we live with his parents, our car’s engine just blew up, have min wage jobs? Stressed with everything and the baby to add? Hes my best friend and we actually have alot of fun together. But no action at night. Please help!
My husband is much older than me, he tells me he doesn’t have a low sex drive but he was just over sexed before I even came along.. He tells me all his former gfs/wife where nymphos and that is why he doesn’t care about sex at all. This really hurts me, I am young I don’t think its very fair for him to say that to me, and let that be his excuse. Is there anything I can do?
My Name is Mrs Trace, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2010 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.Magbu cast a spell for me,now is with me and me only.And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email,Reunitingexspell@gmail.com
It sucks to be with my husband who does not have enough desire to have sex every day!
I want it everyday.
He is 23 years old.
I am 20 years old, not 75 years old. GEEZ. God help my husband!
I really don’t want to commit adultery. AHHHH!
I’ve been with my husband for sixteen years, we’re both thirty five years old and we have three children, in the beginning sex was great then started slowing down, but for the past couple of years it’s been almost non existent.we haven’t had sex for a year and a half because of him, at first we would have sex and then he couldn’t keep it up, and I would cry and get angry. It happened a second time and after that he shut down. I would try to initiate sex, he would say no, he was tired. I’ve tried talking to him about it asking him if it’s because he’s not attracted to me anymore but he says it’s not that, all he would say was it was going to get better, but a year and a half later, and nothing!! He knows it’s hurting me but he acts like nothing wrong is going on. I’m to the point where I feel I’ve tried too much initiated too much and I get nothing in return, he says he loves me, but I cry at night because I feel so lonely and I think if he really loved me he would at least try to have sex with me but he doesn’t. I’m to the point where I want to leave him, because I feel I deserve love and attention.
Hi Pearl,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know you must feel so lonely.
I can see in your comment, though, some clues that perhaps your husband feels the same way as you. Erectile dysfunction is a really difficult thing for a guy to deal with. If he had it happen a few times, and you became angry, that can cause some major fear and insecurity in him, so much so that he’d rather shut down than risk failing again. Sexuality is really tied to a man’s sense of masculinity and self. If he thinks he can’t perform, he’d rather not try. That’s why it’s really best when it happens not to become angry, because he’s not TRYING to have it not work; it just isn’t working for whatever reason.
Can you try a new approach with him? What about apologizing for being angry, and then telling him that you’re really concerned about him. He must be really hurting. He likely wants that sex life back too that you used to have, but now he’s worried it will never happen. So just tell him you’re here for the long haul, it’s okay if things don’t always work, you just want to be close to him and have fun with him and feel intimate with him. And if things don’t work, that’s no big deal. You can just try again another time and you can be glad you spent that time together.
In other words, try to think about what he is feeling.
I know you’re hurt because he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, but he could very well feel the same way about you. And then you’re stuck in a marriage! You don’t want to be stuck, so you take the first move to tell him you love him, you don’t want to put pressure on him, you just want to feel close to him.
Giving him the impression that you’re going to leave him, though, is going to make him feel even more like a failure. What he needs is to know that you believe in him and that you love him, and that you’re there to enjoy being with him. Give him that impression, and love him like that, and you may see things changing.
Of course, if the impotence was originally caused by porn use, then you’ve got a whole other set of problems, and I’d direct you to this post. But it sounds like it’s more a performance issue, and for that he really needs your support and commitment. I hope that helps!
Jenny,
(I’m the Amy you referred to above…)
I’d encourage you to have your husband get his testosterone levels checked. It’s been a long road for my husband, but after starting on T replacement, he’s had to get some other levels adjusted as well. He’s now much, much more interested in sex, and often pursues me now. We’re getting there, but it’s been an emotional roller coaster for both of us. I’m thankful he’s been open to seeking a solution for his lack of desire. It had been this way since we’d first married at the age of 22! We’re both now 37. I pray often for other wives who are in the same situation I was in. It was very difficult for me not to have someone to talk to about this struggle…..Hugs to you!!! I know the pain and the heartache, my friend….
My husband and I have been together for six years have two children and been married since last year. He never seems to have the same sex drive as me. I want sex quite a lot but it takes a lot of work for me to reach orgasm and therefore don’t very often achieve this which I don’t mind since I know it takes so long and I wonder if this is what is making me want sex all the time. Anyway my husband can go weeks without sex. If I try to initiate it I get shut down and I’m talking I’ll have my hand in his pants so not a subtle hint a fairly obvious one. He does watch porn occasionally but not often. So I’m trying to figure out what the problem is and he doesn’t want to talk about it. Any ideas I could try?
I think the porn use is a real problem. There’s no such thing as a “little” porn use. It retrains your brain so that what is arousing is not a real person. And men then get rid of their sexual energy in porn. So I’d have an honest discussion about that!
Hello,
I appreciate the openness and advice surrounding this blog! It is such a relief to find that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together two years and married for 6 months. We have never really had a booming sex life because his drive has always been lower than mine. Since we got married it seems as if the sex just stopped. We didn’t even have sex on our wedding night- in fact it wasn’t until a month later. I love him with all of my heart and I am committed to making this work, but I am completely miserable and it feels like my heart is breaking. It should not hurt so much to be with someone. This is tearing down my self esteem and I don’t know what to do. I have tried the communication techniques that you have pointed out and have been unsuccessful. He is not looking at porn, nor do I think he is seeing someone else and he says he is attracted to me. He just has no interest in it- to the point that he thinks nothing is wrong at all. I asked him to go to the Dr. and I was grateful he went to one appointment; where they asked him to adjust his diet and come back in a month. It is over a month and he has no interest in going. He is in the military so he is embarrassed to have to talk about it. He has completely shut down and wants no communication about it at all. I have since felt enraged and obsessive over the topic. I try to initiate the conversation and sex all the time. He keeps rejecting me and I keep going back for more. He instantly gets angry when I want to talk about it and completely spins it on me. He has said on several occasions that if I am unhappy I can just go. Then later he says that he doesn’t want me to go but that I need to get used to the man I married. I am now failing at strong, respectful communication and starting to pick at him. It is awful but he hurts me with the rejection and I think I want to jab back. Now, we are both miserable. He avoids me all the time- especially on the weekends. He chooses to sleep, go to the bar (although he has since stopped since I told him I am uncomfortable with the drinking), go for a car ride, or just sit in front of the tv. I know I have a lot to work on for myself, and I am making those steps…but I don’t know how to fix us. I keep trying and he is not working with me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and how committed he is- but he can’t show me or be intimate with me. I am so tired of this and I want us to be happy again. He is amazing in so many other ways and I want to remain true to our vows. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My husband is in the process of getting his testosterone levels checked. 2 and a half years ago his pornography use was exposed, it was hard and very hurtful to go through the healing of that, but we have rebuilt our marriage (we continue to) and trust and in many ways our marriage is so much better than it ever was previously. Right after the porn/lust struggle was discovered, he made a commitment to God and to me to never go back to that way of life ever again, he went to counseling, and he did a 12 week course on living in freedom from sexual sin, also got himself into accountability with other Christian men. He was never a very heavy pornography user, but it was there and it was a secret and it deff hurt our marriage big time! At first in our healing we had sex ALL the time! Like 5 to 6 times a week! It was weird because prior to this we were maybe having sex once per month…. As we grew in our healing and in our closeness the frequency has lessened a lot. Fast forward 2.5 years and we are still making love 1 to 2 times per week, but my husband has been experiencing some performance issues, there is a lot of stress and life changes going on in our marriage and careers right now, I am almost done with school and started a new business, he is becoming increasingly dissatisfied with his line of work and wanting a change but feeling the pressure to provide for our family (we have 3 kids too!) We often are exhausted by the end of the day and often crawl into bed and crash! I am feeling some rejection over this (because I still seem to have a desire to make love more than he) he often falls asleep in one of our kids beds while tucking them in, while I am still desiring to make love. I know I am putting a lot of pressure on him as well, though not intentionally, But….. I am naturally a strong leader and go getter and he is much more go with the flow type of personality, I really want our sex life and his libido to improve and I want to show him grace as we go through this new stage of our life together, we will be married for 16 years this summer and my amazing husband surprised me with tickets to Hawaii as a 2nd honeymoon (we never really went anywhere for out 1st one) we are going in March! I know he has the desire, he just seems to not be able to perform as often as he used to, and there is now the performance anxiety as well, he says he feels different physically and it bothers him but he doesn’t know what to do about it, he already had the lab tests and he goes to the Dr. next week to discuss the outcome.
I find it so incredibly ironic to read these comments by women, when so many women will be in the complete opposite position in a few years. I am 54 going on 55. I married a woman 5 years older than me when I was much younger. Last year I learned that the reason our sex was so limited was because of her vaginal dryness which affects most women in their 50s. Surprise, surprise for me. I didn’t even see it coming. So of course, we haven’t had intercourse in a year, and we won’t be having intercourse again. Yes there are vaginal treatments and hormonal pills which create the risk of women getting CANCER, so of course that is out of the question. If you had told me my sex life would be over at 53, I would have never believed you. But that is the way it is. Tough. I was frustrated at our inability to have intercourse at first, and then I guess I have finally resigned myself to it now, and learned to accept that is the price of getting older. So I will just tell all of these women writing here when they are frustrated with their husbands, etc., guess what the tables will be turned in a few years. So the best thing to do is try to show as much patience as possible, because you will need that from your husband too some day. I am still frustrated, but I don’t think about much any more, and focus on the rest of life and try to be grateful for what I have.
I’m sorry you are both having to deal with this. I married for the first time after age 50, and dryness has been an issue for me, too. I find that vaginal lubricants help; I also find that (for me) maintaining good nutrition, drinking enough water, and getting some light exercise help. I am not talking about a major workout, just simple exercise like walking or stretching … something to help with circulation and to keep my muscles limber. My diet is likewise nothing extreme, I just try to limit junk food and eat plenty of “real” food, like lean meats and vegetables.
Has your wife talked to her doctor about this? There may be some underlying physical issue that aggravates the dryness. I am not diabetic, but am somewhat insulin resistant, and when my blood sugar gets out of whack I experience not just vaginal dryness, but also dry eyes, dry mouth, and dry skin. Her doctor may be able to suggest treatments that don’t involve taking hormones. If her regular doctor is unable to help, she might consider consulting with an endocrinologist.
It is honorable that you are willing to be patient and respectful toward your wife, but you are both too young to just give up on sex, and if there are other health issues at stake they should be found and treated. I’m praying that things will improve for both of you!
This is so great (sorry ladies). I thought I was completely alone and that my husband was the only one with very little desire for sex. I know it’s not me but it’s hard to go weeks waiting. I thank God that I’m strong enough not to cheat. And finding this blog has giving me a better understanding. My husband I believe has low self esteem and I’m going to try and help him and be alittle more understanding. Also he take’s antidepressants. But no porn. So i’ll count my blessing.
hi
Been married over 5 years, together for 9 years
Discussions many times about why i always had the drive, but that we would let months pass by without having sex or talk about it.
Turns out he had a major masturbation problem due to stress…but I am stuck with anger…still young enough to start over, and how will we ever have a great sex life if there was never one to begin with?
Frustrating
It’s always comforting to know you are not alone. A wise uncle told me many years ago that marriage is only based on 10% sex when it’s a happy one, but 90% sex when it’s an unhappy one. I begged and pleaded for many years with my now ex-husband for sex, only to get rejected by him and then reject him because I felt it was just to shut me up. I blamed it all on myself, then on him, then on myself, ad nauseum. We were both to blame. Not pornography(which most men do indulge in at least occasionally and although many women find it annoying it has existed since the dawn of time), not low testosterone, etc. We were not a match. We were friends, had a nice life, but the spark was missing. All marriages have problems. But, sex should be the least of them. If sex is the problem, it’s time to reevaluate and quite possibly move on. Financial woes, childcare woes, medical woes, most woes, are much easier to deal with in a marriage when you know you have a partner who wants you and only you (at least in real life, fantasies are part of human nature). Hope this helps. It was a painful realization for me to learn this the hard way.
Hi
Yes, i Wnat to leave but I took vows…so what does that make me?
I feel so incredibly guilty but after 10 years, I just don’t think we will have it or ever have it
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I want kids and after those kids I still want a sex life. I want to feel excited, I want to feel sexy…i tried and tired and tried…if you buy a sexy set, and he says “you don’t need that”???!!! WHAT?
I mean, i’m not overweight, im not miss skinny, but still, i eat healthy and exercise so I assume my body is more than ok…
Guilt, guilt, guilt…i hate it.
My husband have been married for over forty years. And since day one sex for us has been a big problem. We had sex on our wedding night, it was clumsy but it was sex. We never had sex before we were married and never talked about it. I wanted kids he didn’t that was it. Shortly after we were married like the next day, he decided he wanted nothing to do with me or sex. I was married and already alone. He thought sex was pointless, meaningless, cheap, had no meaning, disgusting, messy, and horribly smelly. And told me it would never happen ever again, so to make his point he moved down to the basement, that’s where he has eaten and slept all these years . We have never really talked or did any thing together. Unfortunitly I stayed with this person which was a terrible mistake , and I’m paying for it now. To old to care any more , keep hoping GOD will take me away from all this.
Can’t you leave?
I’m sorry but god or no god, you ARE miserable!
you only have ONE life…
I would like to leave and I’m sure he would never miss me! But I have no where to go, no kids, and all my friends are married and I’m not going to barge in on them. My family has all passed on, and certainly can’t live on my own. I can’t get a decent job. I try to stay out of the house for as long as I can. I volunteer at a shelter for homeless pregnant women. I sleep there about four nights a week some times more. That is rewarding but I still get so depressed seeing these women and wondering what happens to these women after they have there little ones. I also see my pastor at church, my shrink, and my anti-depressant drugs, So I’m just stuck I guess, and I’ve learned to just live with the situation.
hey…well i have tried whatever i possibly could with my husband…but it just doesnt seem to work…we were sexually active even before marriage when we were dating…but we met once in 3-4 months n that time sex was simply great….but soon after we got married, he started losing interest in sex. initially i thought it was because he had work pressures or probably because i didnt dress up seductively….but now, in my four n a half years of marriage, i see his sexual drive diminishing by the day….we have a 2 year old kid….i concieved accidentally…it wasnt a planned pregnancy….n now he has resorted to making lame excuses whenever i ask him for sex…i dont find pleasure in masturbating….its just not good enough for me….i have tried to talk him into consulting a doctor or just go for a couple counselling session coz this problem is taking a toll on my life….but the worst part is that he doesnt feel there’s any problem….whwnever i talk to him….he either fights with me or ends up consoling me that we’ll work it out somehow…but its just the same….rather the problem is getting worse…..and he is very much into porn…..i have caught him several times masturbating too….but he doesnt want to be physically intimate with me…..not even kissing….or just making out….not even oral….its nothing for almost a month or more….the last time we had sex(which wasnt satisfactory for me) was after 2 months of the time previous to that….please help….i am really troubled….
I have recently got married and my husband does not wan to make love to me. We married about two months ago and have made love only about 6 or 7 times. He only gets pleasure from oral sex and if I avoid giving it to him pr try to explain to him that I want intimacy and sexual pleasure as well he loses his temper and leaves the room. He constantly asks me to perform oral on him while I am completely dressed. he just lies back and enjoys himself while I feel unwanted, unloved and humiliated. After he finishes he thanks me and kisses me but I feel so agitated that I cannot usually hold back my tears. Last night I decided to talk to him seriously and I for one time I did not care about his mood. He told me that now that I have pushed him into sexual intercourse he has totally lost his desire for that more than before. He kept saying that I avoid oral sex these days as a punishment for not receiving intercourse. I tried to explain that it is not the reason; I am just a woman who has needs like every human; if I am not sexually aroused I cannot perform oral, it is not fair to treat me like a robot. But the argument went nowhere. I am really worried that my young marriage gets ruined….
Oh, Daisygirl, I’m so sorry. I’ve actually heard very similar stories from many women. The problem is that our culture has rewired men’s arousal so that what’s sexy is not a relationship but an act–and the more impersonal, the sexier. It’s totally the opposite of what God wanted, and it is NOT okay. You do NOT have to have oral sex with him at his whim. The sexual relationship is supposed to be intimate, about connecting you. I’ve written about this before.
I’d recommend talking to a mentor couple or a pastor or a counselor and asking your husband to go with you. This truly isn’t okay, and it isn’t going to get better without you doing something about it. I’ve written about that here.
I really pray that your husband will desire real intimacy.