Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love Day 2: What Can I Do?

My Husband Doesn't Want Me. What can I do? Some thoughts.

“My husband doesn’t want me.” It’s one of the most common emails I get. My husband doesn’t want sex, he has a low libido, and I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone in my marriage.

Last month I wrote 29 Days to Great Sex, where I talked about how to make sex wonderful in your marriage. I was focusing on the things that women can do to boost their libido, get better attitudes about sex, and have fun!

But what do you do if it’s your husband who has the low libido? When I was doing my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that in 20-25% of marriages it’s actually the wife who wants sex more than her husband. And many women have emailed me saying, “I feel so rejected. I don’t know what to do anymore. What’s wrong with me?” I dealt with this in a chapter in the book, but I want to expand on it here, too.

Today let’s look at what we women can do to help boost our husband’s libidos. But I need to put a big caveat in here first. Yesterday I listed the main reasons that a husband may have a low libido. When we talk about boosting a husband’s libido, you’ll often hear people say: just buy some lingerie! Just seduce him. That’s easy to say, but it doesn’t always work. It entirely depends on why your husband isn’t interested in sex. And to tell a woman to just be “sexier” is awfully hurtful, especially if she’s tried all that and didn’t get the response she wanted.

Quite often the reason your husband isn’t interested in sex has very little to do with you, and a lot to do with him. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; he could have an issue he needs to work on and fix, or you could have an issue together that you need to work on.

I’ve received several emails in the last two weeks from women whose husbands have not made love to them in years. Literally years. They have completely rejected their wives, and complain when their wives “bug” them for sex. This is a far bigger problem than what I’m talking about it here, and I’ll deal with what to do when your spouse withholds sex on Thursday.

But if it’s more of a “we go weeks for a stretch without sex, and when we do make love, he seems like he’s doing me a favour”, then something also needs to be done, and I’d like to tackle that today. So let’s look at the circumstances where being “sexier” or working on issues in the bedroom really won’t help, and when another type of intervention is needed. Then we’ll look at the circumstances where taking steps to rebuild your sex life actually can pay dividends now!

Using Porn Can Make a Man Less Interested in Sex

A woman commented on the blog recently that her sex life with her husband is down to about once a month. He always says he’s too tired. He works long hours, and he doesn’t want to be bothered. He doesn’t hug her, doesn’t kiss her, and doesn’t show affection. Yet he uses porn three times a week.

If your husband is using porn, and this is reducing his sex drive, you can’t increase his drive towards you by doing much of anything until the porn use has stopped. In a post a while ago, a former porn user explains the steps to take to help your husband quit porn. And here are 4 Things to do if Your Husband Uses Porn.

Your marriage and your sex life cannot improve while he’s using porn. Porn steals his sexual energy from you and transfers it elsewhere. Ironically, it’s not really transferring it to the women on the screen. We often think, “my husband doesn’t want me” because he wants those women more. But what he really wants is the rush of feeling in control, and the selfishness that comes from masturbating. It’s himself that he’s using, perhaps even more than those women. So it just has to stop.

Please don’t assume that if you just compete with porn, you can help him quit and then get his attention back. The porn needs to be dealt with first before you build your sex life up again. You don’t have to compete. You don’t have to be sexier. You do have to encourage him to quit.

Now, stopping porn is wonderful, but it’s not the only step. After he has stopped using porn, then you’ll need to rebuild your sex life, by starting slowly and helping you both get reacquainted with real intimacy. Don’t rush things, or he may turn to fantasy to “complete the deed”. My book 31 Days to Great Sex can help you get reacquainted with intimacy slowly, and can help with exercises designed to stop the fantasy and focus on the relationship (and the fun!)

Physical Issues can Make a Man Uninterested in Sex

Women can make love when they’re not particularly “in the mood”. We can decide to throw ourselves into it “for him”, and frequently when we do that, our bodies follow and we do end up enjoying ourselves.

Men, on the other hand, can’t make love without arousal. If your husband has libido problems, and can’t get aroused because he has really low testosterone, or depression, or problems with circulation, then sex is just difficult. This isn’t necessarily a reflection on you; it’s just an acknowledgment that sometimes you need medical intervention. If your husband has one of these issues, please encourage him to seek help (more on how to do that tomorrow!)

Psychological Problems Can Lower a Guy’s Libido

A woman once confided in me that she had recently had her marriage annulled after eight years. She had married a man she thought was her best friend, only to find that he had no intention of ever having sex. She found out later that he had been sexually abused by his mother, and once married, almost regressed to a childish personality.

After eight years, she left him, and a few years later I heard that she had married and was pregnant with her first child.

If you have a husband who has deep psychological trauma, with deep psychosexual issues, your husband needs to see a counsellor (and you probably do as well).

It is not your fault if your husband is struggling in this area. And you can’t cure him! He needs an intervention of the Holy Spirit in his life. So please, don’t blame yourself. You are not wrong for wanting sex, no matter how much your husband may say that you’re “bugging” him or that you’re “sex-obsessed”. God made you with a desire for intimacy and a desire for sex, and these are good things. Don’t let your husband’s problems make you ashamed of yourself.

So what can you do?

If It’s a Less Serious Problem: Understand How Male Desire Works

Men tend to be very visually stimulated. When they think about sex, it doesn’t usually take long for their bodies to be interested. And through sex, they feel affirmed as men. They feel desired and strong.

When something goes wrong to short circuit this desire, and it’s not due to pornography or major psycho-sexual issues, it’s usually because:

1. They’re worried they won’t be able to perform (because they haven’t been able to in the past)
2. They’re stressed and worried that they can’t carry everything on their plate, or feel as if they’re not doing a good job at home or at work, making them feel less like “real men”. When a guy feels as if he isn’t doing a good job or isn’t capable, his sex drive often suffers because it’s so wired in to how he feels as a man.
3. They’re worried that you don’t really want to.

By initiating sex and trying specifically to arouse him, you often can overcome some of these problems. But let me throw the caveat in again: this will only work if the problem is one of low-intensity relationship issues, stress at work, or lower than average testosterone. If the problem is more serious (like pornography or psychological issues), then you need more serious help!

When low desire is caused by your husband feeling less of a man because he’s stressed, and he has too much on his plate and he feels like he’s not dealing with it well, then making him less stressed and showing him how appreciative you are of what he does do can go a long way. Thank him for what he does. Encourage him in what he does. De-stress yourself as much as possible so you can be there to help him and to carry more of the load. The worst times in my marriage have been when both of us are busy at the same time. My husband has recently cut back on work a bit so he can be home more while my book releases, just so he can pick up the stress. I did that for him a few years ago. A marriage can’t survive both of you being worn thin, so if your husband is in a difficult place, do whatever you can to shed your own commitments.

Then initiate sex!

Don’t wait for him to. Be a little brazen. Start with a bath to relax him, or whatever it may take. By initiating you say, “I find you desirable. I want to make love to you. I appreciate you as a man.” That can be very affirming for most men.

Some of you, though, have been initiating like crazy and nothing is happening. I understand that, and again, we’ll talk more tomorrow about how to communicate your needs when your spouse doesn’t want sex.

If the problem is one of erectile dysfunction or just very low desire, though, many men, even if they don’t get aroused on their own, can become aroused with a little work. Let him look at you! Take off your clothes for him. Use your hands to arouse him. It may take longer than usual, but laugh through it, show him you don’t mind, and that you’re just happy to be together with him.

Sometimes men shut down after they’ve had several episodes of erectile dysfunction, and showing him that you just want to try, and don’t care whether he’s able to finish like that or not, can take some pressure off. You could even ask him to help you orgasm in another way so that he still feels like he can bring you pleasure. Erectile dysfunction can often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Relax about it and persevere, and things often get better (and if they don’t, see a doctor! ED can be a sign of more serious health problems).

Many men on my survey announced that they had stopped initiating sex altogether because they had been turned down so often early in their marriage, and it had been humiliating. So they decided to stop altogether until their wives initiated. Often these wives, however, interpreted their husbands’ lack of initiation to mean that the husband didn’t want sex, when really he had shut down to protect his ego.

Last month we had several female commenters on this blog say something to this effect during our 29 Days:

I turned my husband down so often he stopped asking for it. Now I’ve realized I was wrong, and I do want to have a healthy sex life. But I don’t know how to make it work again because he always seems to rebuff me–it’s like my husband doesn’t want me anymore.

In a situation like this, where there has been a relationship breach, you can’t heal the problem simply by being sexy or trying to arouse him. You also need to work on trust and communication. So at the same time as you’re trying to initiate more, also work on your friendship in marriage. Do things together just so you can talk and laugh. Most bedroom problems are actually better solved outside the bedroom!

Great Sex Challenge: If you decide that your husband’s low libido is due more to stress, relationship issues, or low sex drive, then encourage your husband and show him affirmation as a man. Then initiate! Tell him you want to give him an amazing evening. Tell him you find him desirable. And if things don’t go perfectly, laugh it off and relax together in another way.

What if you’ve tried all of these things and nothing’s working? Tomorrow we’ll look at how to talk to him about your needs.

Have you ever felt “my husband doesn’t want me”? Or have you tried to initiate and found that this helped? Let me know!

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  1. … and sometimes, there is a physical issue but he doesn’t want to admit it. It’s a little embarrassing, to be sure. It helps if you can open up and let him know in a calm way how you’re feeling… rejected, worried, self-conscious… men don’t typically over-analyze things the way we do, so he may not have a clue that something so small could have you in emotional turmoil. You need to let yourself be completely honest and you might feel really vulnerable. But realizing the impact that his actions have on your emotions can open the door to an honest conversation and start the road toward taking care of whatever his physical problem might be.

    • Very true! Create a safe environment where you can talk about it.

      • It’s been twelve years, yes years since my husband had sex with me. We’ve been married for 34 years and this part of our lives has been a huge challenge. I’ve been told, by two MFTs in free consultations, that we need to see someone who specializes in addiction and sexual dysfunction and abuse. However, we can’t afford to see even a general intern. By the world’s standards this situation is hopeless; nothing is impossible with God. I believe that when I said my marriage vows it wasn’t just a promise to my husband, it was a covenant with God.
        I’ve sought every avenue of free, Godly council I could find and I’ve read what I could find.(at the library, a christian site sent some, and someone gifted several to me)The greatest comfort has come from God’s word and from the prayers of a very small group of Godly women. At the core this is a spiritual battle.
        Sadly, as a young bride I believed that I was suppose to submit to what my husband wanted.
        It took 16 years before I had the courage to say to him that I couldn’t talk about being hurt or hurting someone else and reconcil my walk with God. So I quietly began to refuse. And he began to refuse sex and over the last 5 years ALL affection. If he can’t have what he wants, then there will be nothing. That is how he operates in other areas of our lives also. I tried the “sexy lingerie” approach. My husband didn’t just laugh, he pointed, held his sides, rolling around on the bed laughing. Until he saw the tears. Then he lunged at me and screamed inches from my face that “YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU’D LOOK RIDICULUS” I made the serious mistake of whispering in his ear, during, only once. His loud “SHUT THE F*** **” was followed by a week of him pretending I didn’t exist and then suddenly demanding that I apologize for making him feel bad about himself.

        I don’t try to initate anymore. I’m too tired of being told that I’m uninspiring, that I should lose weight or that if I had a “real” job he wouldn’t have to work so hard. (all the care of the house, the car, the yard and 3 part time jobs aren’t enough)

        I can say that God is Good always. Sometimes He is all I have and thankfully this life isn’t forever, but God is.

        • Dee, I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like (though you didn’t spell it right out) that your husband wanted a sex life that really wasn’t godly, and you said no. I completely understand that. I’ll talk on Thursday to people whose spouses have completely withheld sex, and there are a lot. You are not alone. The fact that he didn’t want you to talk while making love shows that he likely was fantasizing about something pornographic, and you whispering would bring him out of the fantasy so that he wasn’t as aroused anymore. That means that he wasn’t really having sex with you; he was just using you. That’s just wrong.

          It does sound like you really need to seek some more godly counsel, because your husband sounds mentally unstable and perhaps even abusive. I’m so glad that you’ve found peace in God; but I hope you also find a wonderful mentor who can help you navigate your route now.

          • I cannot believe in a God that would demand you stay with an abusive husband. When you made your marriage vows, you say you made a covenant with God, but I cannot believe that God would want you to suffer in this way. Surely He would want to free you from both the covenant and your abusive relationship. Get away from this creep!

        • I agree with Mel. Completely. Even if you don’t get a divorce, you need to get away from him.
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          • I’m not comfortable saying he is abusive or he isn’t abusive because we don’t know the whole story just from that comment. That’s why I think it’s really important that Dee finds a mentor who knows her in real life who can help her navigate through this. This comment sends a ton of red flags up in my mind, and I really think this is too serious to be left to the internet. I really think Dee needs to find someone who can help her figure out how to deal with her marriage, and whether staying is the right option (if he’s abusive, she needs to protect herself). But she needs help from someone who actually knows her. So please, Dee, do seek out some help.

            It is wonderful to find peace in God, as I said. But I still think you need counsel from someone in real life who can help walk you through this.

  2. Thanks for posting this! My problem is no where near as hard as Dee’s (Prayers for you, girl) but my husband is only 33 and I’m 30 and we haven’t had sex for over a year (we’ve been married almost 9). He works a stressful job as a pharmacist and is a really light sleeper, plus we are trying to pay off lots of debt. He sleeps in the basement alone because he says I move so much and keep him awake (I do move a lot!) We are both Christians and I really don’t think porn or an affair is involved – he promises it is not, but he has NO sex drive. It makes me feel rejected and unattractive. He says it is because he is just too tired. That’s really bugged me, but can a guy really just be so tired and stressed that he has no sex drive? Or can 15lbs of extra weight be a huge turnoff?


    • Shell, 15 pounds of extra weight is absolutely NOT a reason for him to not have sex for a year. Have you talked with him about it? You may not be able to sleep in the same bed (or perhaps you need to get a king size bed) but that isn’t a reason to not make love. You can always do that first and then separate to sleep. The fact that he doesn’t want to at all is definitely worrying. I’d talk to him more and then ask him to see a doctor to get his testosterone checked. And talk to him about your needs! That’s coming in tomorrow’s post.

    • I hear you Shell. My husband and I have been married for 8 years now. He turned his back on God 4 years ago and our marriage has been a true struggle since. My husband has no interest in sex. I have communicated many times how it makes me feel very special and important when he touches me and we do have sex. I initiate sex 3 times a week (I do have a high sex drive) and he rejects me every time. I do become hurt and frustrated. Communicating does not help in this matter. He refuses to seek any type of counseling or to see a doctor. We have been drifting apart for many years. I pray for his salvation but, also that God would help us both to connect in a more intimate way.

  3. I just wanted to add my best friend’s husband never wanted to have sex and he went to the doctor and had eveything checked and his testosterone level was normal- but then later they found out what he really had was low Thyroid- so it can be something else medically wrong just fyi.

  4. According to my husband I rank no where in his life. Were possibly just friends (maybe) or apartment dwellers. Intimacy died on the day after our wedding night. That was 45 years ago, so long ago I still remember it but can’t feel it anymore. We had sex the first and last time. He also worked midnights for 40 years so he was never home at night. And he moved down to the basement to have peace and quiet. I was told not to bother him and leave him alone. I would work during the day so he slept while I was gone. I’ve been so confused, frustrated, depressed, lonely and forgottened. The night mare never goes away.

    • Oh Amy, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine going through that for 45 years. You are precious, you are beautiful, you are created and loved by GOD – never forget that. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. I’m praying for you, dear sister.
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  5. I am 33, my husband is 36. We’ve been married for 5 years. We waited until marriage for sex. Shortly after marriage it was obvious that his desire was low. What started out as sex 1 to 2 times per week in the first couple months quickly dwindled to every month, then to every other month, then to every two months. I struggled a lot with feelings of rejection and hurt; but I am married to a good and Godly man that show me love in many other ways. I knew there had to be more to it. A low libido is hard for a man to talk about. I brought it up every few months, and was promised “things will get better.” I was at my witt’s end. Eventually, I INSISTED that he go to a doctor to get several things checked out. He had his total testosterone tested and it came back as the lower end of normal. We were so disappointed to not have an answer. But then we did more research, and went back to have his free testosterone tested, and it came back very low. Follow up tests revealed the problem is secondary hypogonadism and we recently had our first visit with an endocrinologist. It is great to have an answer and the possibility for improvement in the sexual aspect of our relationship. I’m sure we have a long road ahead of us to see resolution. We also recently started seeing a wonderful Christian marriage counselor who is helping us deal with the hurt I feel and the guilt and sense of failure he feels. Seeking both marriage counseling and medical intervention has been essential to our marriage through this very difficult trail.

    • Nancy, thank you so much for leaving that thoughtful comment! You’re so right: sometimes we just need outside help. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I hope that your story will help others seek the help they need and start moving forward. So glad you both can cling to God together.

  6. I lay here next to my husband of 6 months. We haven’t had sex in 2 weeks. I know that’s nothing in comparison to some of your stories but I’ve only been married 6 months! This is not the first night I’ve stayed awake crying while my husband snores cluelessly next to me. See, this has been going on for 6 months. We got married and had sex twice in one week. Then maybe once a week. I had some issues with my birth control pills and ended up not mensturating 1 week a month and the rest of the time was off limits per his request. Most of the time we would have sex that week but one time we didn’t. We are newlyweds and have less sex than his parents. I constantly think it’s me. Am I too fat? Am I not pretty enough? He assures me that it is not. Then he goes to the doctor and has his testosterone levels tested. They came back normal. He doesn’t look at porn. He’s promised me he’s not taking care of his needs himself, he just doesn’t have them. I dont know what to do. I’m trying hard to be understanding but it gets frustrating. If I initiate, I get rejected. He never initiates. He doesn’t see that I’ve been rejected by men my whole life (my dad has been in and out of my life my entire life) and when he rejects me, I feel like a 5 year old girl again whose daddy skipped out on his weekend to do something else. I do nothing but encourage him. Make him feel good about himself. Compliment him. Flirt with him. But all I get is rejection, rejection, rejection. I love him more than anything but it hurts everything inside of me to face rejection time and time again.

    • With the exception of the BC pills, I could have written this entire paragraph! Sounds exactly like my situation! Especially the 5 year old girl part! I’ve even said that exact thing before! We ended up getting divorced after 4 years, but I’m still madly in love with him. Sometimes I feel crazy. My divorce just finalized on Monday. Life isn’t fair. Sometimes I think that I’m ruined forever because I’m still so in love with him. Sometimes I think about suicide. I wanted to have a baby this year. I hate that he doesn’t want me. I just kills me inside. The pain is more than I can bear at times, and all the while I have to appear put-together outwardly to my friends and family. But sometimes I think about dying. Sometimes I wish I was just brave enough to do it. I don’t want to live without him. He was my first love and I dedicated myself to him. We waited until marriage just for me to find out he wasn’t into me. We were together over 6 years, and he was my first everything. I hate how my life has turned out. I’m beautiful, too, but it doesn’t matter. He still doesn’t even see me when I’m in front of him. I feel dead inside. And I know I sound crazy talking about suicide, but if you’ve been in this situation, maybe you know what I mean when I feel like dying.

      • Courtney, I’m so, so sorry, and I pray that you will find people who can surround you and support you. You are not a failure. If your husband chose to marry you and then ignored you, that’s because of something deeply wrong in him, not in you. I pray that you will find the love you really crave, and that God will give you friends who can help. Don’t be afraid to open up to someone in real life; let someone in and let them know what you’re going through so they can help.

      • Oh, I soooo understand this post. But don’t lose heart. God created you and he made you special. Go out and do the things you love, become the special person God intended you to be. Volunteer for something important to you and use your talents to make a difference in this world. That will help turn your depression into joy. I have been at the very low point where I wanted to die. I haven’t told many people this because they think you are crazy when you say it, but I understand where you are. It has taken me 3 years to find the courage to start a divorce process, but it has been a steady return to myself. My husband and I have been married 13 years. Sex has been a struggle the whole time. He isn’t interested. The last time was when my 5 year old daughter was conceived. Seemed every time we had sex I got pregnant. We have 4 kids and have had sex about 10 times in 13 years. Trust that God made no mistakes when he made you. YOU ARE HIS BEAUTIFUL CREATION and no human can take that away from you. Will be praying…

  7. hi, my hubby doesn’t want sex any more. he never initiates. my sex drive is and has always been healthy. i miss it. a lot. along with the lack of sex is very little affection and or communication. he says he’s an introvert. i am very lonely. disappointed and sad about life.

  8. Hi, my husband and I have been together for 8 years. The first 4 years the sex was horrible .. He wouldnt get erect or it would be slightlyn erect or he would be done in a split second.. But I thought if I told him he was awesome , never let him know it was bothering me and kept being positive about it some day he would get over his performance worries. I cant take it anymore it makes me feel like ive been the problem this hole time and now that we have had a child my body isnt very nice at all… Ive even asked him if he was gay! He’s always got a reason now. He’s tired, it’s hot, his knee hurts,his wrist hurts, he’s stressed, he’s tired from work, and im sure ive forgot others but its not myfault its his…he says. We pretty much make love once a week and hes done as soon as it gets started and he tells me well its been a week and you feel so good. So my question is when is enough of me building his ego enough? After 4 years shouldnt have he got it. Now I feel like a discusting peice of crap!!!!!

    • Glynn,

      I know how lonely this must be in a marriage! I’m so sorry.

      A few thoughts:

      1. Make sure that porn is not an issue. For most guys who can’t perform or don’t want to perform, or who “end it” pretty quickly once you start, porn is either a factor now or has been in the past. That’s just the ugly truth of it in our society. So make sure that isn’t an issue, because if it is, it needs to end, and I have posts on that here and here.

      2. If porn isn’t an issue, you really need to open up some communication about this. It isn’t an intimate thing for either of you right now, and that’s what it’s designed to be. It should take some time; it should be something beautiful. But perhaps he’s scared or really doesn’t know what to do to get there.

      In that case, I’d strongly recommend going through something like my 31 Days to Great Sex. Not everyday has to do with actual sex, so it’s not like you’d be telling him he has to have sex everyday. A lot of it is learning to communicate, learning to flirt, learning to play together, and then, yes, even learning how to take more time with lovemaking so it feels good for both of you. Many couples in your situation have found that just talking about this can help immensely. You can find that here.

      I hope that helps!

  9. I just found this post blog and must say it is filled with very helpful stuff. I am hopeful I will find the help and support I need here.
    I too am facing a tough time in my intimacy with my husband, but I see my problem is nowhere as serious as some I just read. I am 33 and my husband 34, we’ve been happily married for 8 years without children, he is a loving, kind and generous man. He is also a committed Christian, but for some reason, he is not as interested in sex as I am. We do have sex at least twice a week , with some insistence on my part. However, it hasn’t been physically or emotionally fulfilling for me most of the times for a while now.
    It was hard to talk to him about it because I didn’t want to hurt him, or add to the stress he is under at work. He listened and felt very bad about it. He tried to make it up for me, but honestly, nothing really changed.
    He is living in constant fear of failing in his job, and it does make him feel like less of a man, when he compares his performance at the job with that of some of his friends. He lacks initiative and leadership skills, which I am constantly trying to instill on him.
    He is frustrated with himself and I am frustrated with him. He could do better, I make sure I help him with practical help at his work, and also taking all the responsibility at home, shopping and bills, etc. So why doesn’t he? Why does he choose to not work harder and then reap the rewards of doing a better job?
    Even though I do love him, I must confess I’ve been tempted to cheat several times, just for the thrill of feeling desired and appreciated. Opportunities are many, and if it weren’t for the fear of God, I would probably have acted on it. Thoughts of leaving him also crossed my mind sometime ago, but I just could never hurt him and our families like that.Two years ago I even become emotionally involved with a younger man I met online for 4 months, and it took me every ounce of strength to break off that sinful relationship, and I am never going back!
    I also think my sexual drive may be slightly higher than in most woman, as ideally, I would have sex every single day, sometimes twice a day.
    I realize my husband is not the only one with a problem, I am, certainly, the one with the biggest problem, and it is seriously hurting my spiritual life. My husband doesn’t have a clue of any of that, and as far as he is concerned, things are good.
    But it is much easier to find ways to delve deeper into my problem than to find a way out of it.

  10. I have been with my husband for almost 1yr. But we never made love until we got married. He doesn’t make love to me often. I always have to initiate it…but wont respond most of the time
    Whenever we make love he last for 5 minutes. We don’t kiss much ..not even for fun..why? He’s only 27yrs. No fourplay or anything …we live long distance and we only spent two months together and I had to return back to work…he made me feel as if am not good…I k ow damn well am soo gud. So I don’t know what the problem is.

    • Naa, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It is not supposed to be like this. I’d honestly question whether or not he’s using porn. The things you’ve suggested–having no libido, not lasting long during sex, and not being affectionate–are all very common to men who are using porn. And the truth is that if he is using porn, things likely won’t get better. Porn wrecks a man’s sex drive.

      I would confront him and ask him, and, if possible, find a way to live in the same place so that you can try to have a healthy relationship. Maintaining a long distance marriage where there is little intimacy is very difficult.
      And I’d also suggest getting a good support system around you. Find a good church or a good group of women who can guide you through this so you don’t feel on your own. Blessings!

  11. I’m 36…my husband is 30.
    We’ve been married for almost 6 years. We have always seemed to fight about sex. I always want more. More recently he has been rejecting me more than usual.
    It’s getting humiliating. I think it’s me and there goes what little self esteem I had in the first place.
    I’ve talked and begged until I’m blue in the face.
    How much longer do I go without? The last time we had sex…I sent him a text asking if he could “service” me.
    Somethings gotta give. ….I’m thinking about having an affair. Please help!
    Btw – he wont go to therapy or the Dr. Ive suggested everything. :(

  12. I’ve been with my husband for 8 yrs now and I’m really getting frustrated. The first year was good but as soon as we had our first child, everything changed….I keep trying to spice things up with him, but nothing works…I feel ignored and it pisses me off. I am getting tired of living with someone who shows no love in any other ways, just work for his family and that is it. I feel that I living with a friend and not my husband. It’s ruining my marriage and I’m upset most of the time. When I did tell him how I felt, he told me that I need to be thinking about working and not about sex. I work part time and the rest of the time I’m at home and with our two daughters. He doesn’t even sleep with me. What should I do? I leaning towards leaving him. I do love him and he is good with our daughters, but with me, it’s a whole different story….Any suggestions????

  13. Wow it feels like my life

  14. Christina says:

    I’m 20 and have been married for almost two years now. At first, my husband was pretty interested in making love, but now, he never has an interest. I am always the one to initiate, and usually I’m rejected. Despite my efforts to let him know I love him, I desire him, I WANT him, he has no reaction. He wants to sleep. I feel like I’ve tried everything and nothing is working. I don’t have a godly woman to talk to without embarrassing my husband. I truly feel at a loss. There’s not a porn issue, he’s a very driven man, everything seems normal. He would rather sleep, watch tv, or just have alone time instead of intimacy with me. What do I do?!

  15. careful ladies.

    It could be a heart disease. I used to drop every hint and writhe in bed next to him just wanting him so badly. I told him of my needs and I showed him affection. I was so hurt, I would ask him if he thought I wasn’t beautiful anymore, and I even wondered if he was secretly gay (not actively, he is very devout). I was lucky to make love once a month after my begging.

    One day my husband suddenly died of a heart attack. He never went to the doctor in our 7 years of marriage. He had doctorphobia or something. If only I had known than I wouldn’t have made him feel so bad! He knew he really let me down in the bedroom. My only consolation is that he never knew I wrongly suspected he was gay. I was so young I assumed that it must be some other non-deadly problem. I decided that he found himself a virgin girl because he could get away with no sex. As if chastity means I am not interested. If I was older and smarter I could have saved him, instead of making the problem about me. Now he is gone, and once a month now seems frequent. Instead of never again. I still ask God what was all the waiting for since I could only enjoy intimacy 7 years.

    I hope this helps some ladies. Get your husband to the doctor! Say whatever you have to say to get him to go! I don’t care if you have to accuse him of being gay! You could save his life, fix his heart, and then when health is returned he will have his libido back! The bedrom problem will fix itself, in the case of it being medical.

    • Very true! Lack of desire can be caused by a lower than average blood flow, indicating clogged arteries. Going to the doctor is always a good idea!

  16. brokenmwf says:

    Thank you for your touching story.
    My heart bleeds for you.
    I will try my best to get him to the doctor. shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting your own husband. least he felt desired.
    My husband had heart sx when he was an infant. on top of that he refuses to quit smoking. …which makes me sick….I hate it…he doesnt do it around me or in our house but he just wreaks of it.
    I beg him to quit I will start begging for him to go to the doctor now.
    Thank you for sharing.

  17. My husband and I will be married 40 yrs. and our sex together has always been good. But little by little what we did together is going away and now I knew this day was coming, He said he didn’t have any sex drive. After that he won’t talk anymore. I know it’s more then that. I know he’s not having an affair. He’s happy with his job. I don’t think there’s anything that he’s stressing over. I might have an idea it might be. I need more information on Pronography.

  18. I really need help. My marriage will end if I dont find a solution.
    I’ve been married for 4 years, we used to have amazing sex and one of the reasons I married him was because our sex life was so amazing.
    We got married and at the beginning we used to have lots of fights and our sex life changed a lot.
    I have spoken to him but every time we do we end up having a massive fight.
    He kept saying that we only wants sex in the morning and I want at night.I never have rejected him but he has done it a couple of times.
    He doesn’t want to find anyone to help us, he says he doesn’t have a problem.
    I am a very sexual woman and I dont really want to live in a relationship like this. What can I do if he doesn’t want to find help…. I love him but I would like to have sex more often, more exciting and more passionate. Like we used to have

  19. Melanie says:


    Thank you for this article! I’m reading this a year after you wrote it but it is exactly what I needed to read today. My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years, I’m in my mid-20’s and he’s in his mid-30’s. Before we met, he was extremely sexually immoral for over a decade, but failed to confess that to me until just a few weeks ago. I now understand why for all these 5 years of marriage, he just hasn’t been that interested in me sexually (copious amounts of guilt and shame). It has absolutely devastated my heart to find out that he has been comparing me to the bodies of literally hundreds of other women, and he has mentioned to me before that he doesn’t find my hips/legs attractive. (I’m about 10 lbs overweight) We are both aware of the terrible effect that porn has on the brain, and my husband is now crying out to God for a complete mind and heart transformation. But most of the time it feels to me like he has already had his lifetime fill of sex and he just isn’t interested in it anymore! It’s very hard to not feel rejected when – for our entire marriage – I’ve tried to initiate, wear the lingerie, be flirty and encouraging and doting on him as a man, and that’s continually met with an “I’m just not that into you” or “you’re just using me to get pregnant” attitude.

    I was a virgin when we married and in theory I understand sex to be the most glorious act of worship to the Lord, but in practice it has been one of the greatest areas of pain for me.
    Any specific help would be much appreciated!!

  20. Sheila

    I have been married for nearly 21 years. I was a virgin when we married. The sex never was that great. My husband thinks if he touch my breast that it will be enough. We never had that much sex and I never denied him anything he wanted to try.
    Sex became boring for me so I tried to liven things a bit by touching him and kissing him.
    But the passed 3 years we only had sex once, two and a half years ago. He says he is just to stressed. I am feeling lonely and all the other stuff that women are feeling.
    I feel like having an affair just for the sex. I know it goes against anything the Bible teaches us.
    Why am I feeling like this? I feel helpless. I am so tired of being rejected.
    The passed year he moved to his own room.

    We have a daughter that is 15 years old. I wanted more children but he went for a vasectomy without consulting me.

    He is always telling me that I changed to much when I had my daughter. I am overweight but not that much.

  21. I have only been married to my husband for 3 months, I know not long at all. We have been together for about 2 years. We met right before he left for Army basic training and we really didn’t spend more than a combined 3 months physically together before we got married. Our initial plan was to wait until we were married to have sex. I was a virgin, he was not, but we both as Christians believed it was the right thing to do. My husband was always telling me that sex ruined his other relationships and he wasn’t going to let that happen to us. Well we ended up having sex a few weeks before our wedding, I was okay with it happening and so was he. I had always told myself that if it happened I wasn’t going to make myself feel guilty for it. Anyways right off the bat, I always felt that I was the one that was always wanting to have sex. Granted he was my first and so it was all new and exciting to me but I thought that since he had not had sex in the almost 2 years we’d been together he would be more excited to do it than he was. During our honeymoon we did have sex quite often but I did feel that most of the time it was my idea and because I wanted it. He would almost complain about how much I wanted to have sex with him. I had always had this picture in my head of how our first few months of marriage would be. He always was asking me “will we have sex all the time?” and saying that was what he wanted but within the first couple of weeks his desire for sex seemed to just stop. He works 14 to 16 hours days and I understand that being in the Military is a very hard exhausting job but during the week we almost never have sex. and on the weekends its maybe once or twice unless i push for more.
    The year before we got married he was deployed for 9 months. During that 9 months we was with all guys and as you can imagine, porn was passed around like a good movie. I had always given him the benefit of the doubt being a Christian man and having had problems with porn in the past that he would know better and stay away from it. But on our honeymoon i found a “secret” folder on his pinterest account that had 4 pictures of half naked women. Nothing to crazy or dirty but enough for me to be very hurt about. He told me it was a weak moment and that he hadnt even looked at it since the deployment. I forgave and we moved on because I know that the temptations over there are probably more than any Christian man can handle. Well after about a month of living together, I found a “secret” tumblr account that I had never known about. Though tumblr is used for many didnt types of photo bloging I found over 300 of some of the most disgusting pictures I could have ever imagined. Some being worse than others. I confronted him about it and again like always he does and assured me that he hadnt looked at it since deployment and that he had even “forgot” that he had the account, but ended up fighting about it and i found out that he had been looking at it a few days a week if not daily and he once masturbated in bed to it while i was sleeping one morning, saying “he didnt want to wake me”. It has been 3 months and I have yet to find any evidence that he is still looking at the pictures. But he is smart and at times i feel that he could just be erasing or hiding it.
    My self-confidence and self-worth are very deeply rooted in how I am precieved by my husband, and I feel that more often than not I am not sexy or attractive to him. i make many advancing towards him but most of the time they go unnoticed or they are turned down. I have tried letting it go but I get so hurt by it that it boils and boils until I burst and we end up fighting because he says “he cant understand why i would feel that he doesnt want sex or that he doesnt want me” and I can never explain myslef enough. I know that 3 months might be a little early to be having issues like this and I know most people would probably not take this seriously but I want to nip this in the bud instead of letting it tear down our new marriage. I guess all I am asking for is a little advice and maybe an encouraging word.

  22. elizabeth says:

    My husband and I have only been married for about 4 years but for the last 2 years we have been having this issue. His sex drive is just getting lower and lower. It is at the point now where even with me trying to help him it is difficult for him to finish and this last month he wont even let me try to help him but he refuses to go to the dr. He claims it isnt me and he isnt using anything else he just dosent think about it. I am at the point where I just dont know what to do. I am trying to be patient but I do nearly everything for our house I dont know how I can take any more stress from him but he wont address this issue. Any advise?

  23. elizabeth says:

    I should add I am 26 and my husband is 32. He worksout all the time and works at a gym. So he says if it was anything physically wrong he thinks he would know. But he also doesnt know what causes him to just not think about or want sex.

    • Elizabeth, this really does sound like it’s a medical issue or a stress issue. Going to the doctor is really important, just to rule out other things. So I’d keep encouraging him to go, and tell him that it’s for the health of your marriage and your intimacy, because you BOTH want more.

  24. Hi, i just been reading all these posts and cant stop crying now. They all sound like its me,who wrote them. Rejected, not desired, room-mates, separate rooms.. we’ve been married 8 years, my husband is 14yrs older, Im 34. We have sex now maybe once in 3-4-5 month and only if i insist. Last time we had it, it was in the dark so i was just crying feeling sorry for us, hiding tears from him. For him, because he,poor thing, did tried his best but it didnt work.never ejaculated. He had to drink plenty of alcohol in order to not to finish in 5mins. For myself, i understood clearly that i have to live with this somehow.
    I’ve got my part in this broken sex life, maybe because i wasnt a good wife, i am a picky and negative when i open my mouth. I’ve lost my beauty and put on weight. We had million of fights in our marriage and a lot of them i am to blame for it. So looks like i’m facing consequences. He is a good honest man and i love him. Think he loves me too. But intimacy and closeness have just died. God, and im so wanting them! Its an awfull burden not to feel wanted, desired, i dont feel i’m a woman. He moved to front room two years ago but it always been a problem because he snores terribly. He smokes a lot and he loves his beer and eats fatty foods. And since he’s been put on blood pressure tablets the libido has just gone. We used to love our sex and used to enjoy it and have it often. Now we are just mates. Not even that, because Im devoted Christian and he doesnt believe in God. So there is no even sharing interests between us. He had very stressfull couple years and in first years of marriage i lost few pregnancies so no children and no hope. I feel useless and just dont know how to rescue my marriage. Or maybe just leave it all and wait for death. Its impossible to talk to him “nothing wrong with me!”, or i’m just called annoying and pecking. We dont do anything together, dont go on holidays together, dont talk with open hearts, dont hold hands, dont share thoughts or plans, he isnt bothered how he looks so i sometimes a bit embarassed to go shopping with him. He just laughs at that. On outside we look normal, i do give him little hugs,occasional kisses in cheek,he buys me flowers sometimes.
    But he wouldnt accept there are problems, wouldnt talk and wouldnt do anything about it. So the word “doctor” is a no. No counselling as we’ve no money, just debts. So no outside help. No relaxing holidays,just work,work. No healthy lifestyle its all “unenjoyable”. All i have is my guilt and prayers. Hate feeling sorry for myself but cant help it now. No kids to turn my life to. Just empty evening (he’s away ,home only at weekends). My family and friends are in another country and they dont know about all this. I dont tell anyone.
    Please dont feel sorry for me, because i’m probably deserve all this. I , before becoming a Christian, was a porn addict. From very young years. Before my marriage i was also just a slug, had sex with over 40 men since 16y.o till 25. Did an abortion, i.e killed my baby. Husband doesnt know all this but what am I to expect. Me, the sinner. How can I want now a good life full of love??? I got to pay for all of it. And looking at it this way,the price God sent me to pay,is not that high really… occasional hug, smile, flowers, tender sms… probably is what l realy need to value more than i do now. Essentialy, i dont deserve a husband at all. The tears and burden seems unbearable but only till thought comes “why?, what have i done?” I then now why.
    There wont be a divorse, i think. He’s too old and tired to go through it all again. So i’ll just do. His job, car, telly and beer is all he needs. I got my Church and my books.
    Thanks guys for reading, asking for your little prayers

  25. I have tried all the above and still nothing. I am at the point that I wanna give up.

  26. My husband (25) and I (26) were both virgins when we got married 4 months ago (at least that’s what he tells me). Since then, for the first three months we would have sex about 3 times a week, which I thought was little considering the fact that we’re newlywed. There have been two week blocks within that time where we wouldn’t have sex at all, for some excuse or another. And this past month, since he’s started his new 9-5 job, sex has dropped to 1-2 times a week.

    I’m flirty, I initiate a lot, I’ll even prepare his mindset for sex the whole day (which at least over text messaging he’ll seem like he’s interested in), but when he comes home from work, and I’m all dressed in lingerie, he’ll tell me he just doesn’t think he could give me my full rights if we have sex and that he’ll either fall asleep halfway, or fake his pleasure if we do. Mind you, he doesn’t end up going to sleep right away, if we don’t have sex anyway.

    I’ve given him encouragement. I show my appreciation to him that he works all day, and that he’s a real man. That he looks so manly, etc. And he’s said it himself: he’s not the type of person to stress about work at home. But still, same sex life.

    I’ve opened up to him about how this makes me feel, pretty much from the start. That I feel rejected in a way, and unattractive in his eyes (I say his eyes, because in reality, God be praised, I have a good body, and am young looking, etc). We have good communication. He assured me that’s not the case and gave me the reasoning I already mentioned, in that, he’s either just tired, or doesn’t want to ‘fake’ his pleasure. I’ve told him in passing before that some newlyweds have sex everyday, sometimes more than once, and he told me he doesn’t think it’s ‘real’ when they do, and that it’s not real intimacy that way. I’ve been really sneaky in how I communicate these thoughts with him as welll, so as to not injure his confidence and performance.

    When we do have sex, sometimes he releases pretty quickly as well. Actually, a lot of the time. Although we do get in some good foreplay a lot of the time (if 5-10 minutes is considered good – I don’t even know). Sometimes he apologizes for releasing too quickly, but I tell him not to worry about it, because 1. I enjoy the intimacy. 2. I assume it’s because he was a virgin before and when we wait the whole week to have sex, of course he’s going to get excited a little too quickly (right?), and so I assume its going to get better with time (right?). And by quickly I mean 3-4 thrusts and it’s over. Sorry for being so specific, but I really don’t know how it’s supposed to be, which is why I’m asking.

    Now this is where I fear the problem comes from. Thankfully, my husband is a very dear, loving, kind, God fearing man. But he wasn’t always that way. About two years ago, before I had met him, he used to watch porn. He used to watch it on a daily basis, and masterbate to it sometimes. He explained to me that he stopped two years ago because he had reached rock bottom, felt disgusting, and guilty about becoming religious but keeping this habit. And with the help of God, he was able to overcome it, and never go back (he’s been two years free). When he spoke of that experience he shed some tears and I could tell it was a hard point in life for him. He now speaks of those 1-3 years (I’m guesstimating) of porn watching with disgust. Just the porn watching part. And I’m almost 90% sure he doesn’t watch it now.

    But that’s what makes me sad. How is it that he was able to have “sex with himself” watching porn before on a daily basis, but now he can’t. I can’t help but imagine that if he came home from work and found one of these porn models in his home, or someone with blonde hair, bigger boobs, a tan, and longer legs, he wouldn’t get an erection and be in the mood right away (if it was his wife of course). I can’t help but think I’m not his taste, and that he just married me because I’m a ‘good girl’. He tells me he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy, but I feel like it’s not in a way that would turn him on usually. I feel like I’m not his taste, despite what he tells me.

    What I’m wondering is: Could this past porn watching of this length of time have an effect on our sex life now? How?

    • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and you’re totally not alone. Your story is actually quite typical, especially for couples in their twenties, when the men were more likely to have grown up watching porn.

      Yes, it definitely can affect his sex life. He was used to having release very quickly, and used to it being a solo thing. To experience sex together can be a difficult transition. His brain has been rewired so that the arousal process is short circuited, and concentrated on an image, not on intimacy.

      I’m going to write a book soon on how to learn to make love, not just have sex, focusing on how to rewire the brain back towards healthy sex, especially when men have found sex difficult after a porn addiction.

      What I’d say now is that you need to talk to him about INTIMACY, not just sex, and how you want to experience real intimacy and joy together. And then start doing intimate things together, like having baths together, or lying naked together, even praying naked together, to increase that sense of intimacy. Play touching games where you just touch without making love, and learn about each others’ bodies. Take things very slowly, and focus on really getting to know each other naked and bonding with each other naked. And be totally honest with each other.

      It may take time, but he totally can become sexually whole again. He just needs to realize what he’s missing, and the root cause of why things aren’t working right. So try to start that conversation. I’ve said a prayer for you!

  27. Dear All,

    I have been scared to broach this subject with anyone in particular including my husband for fear that i was not alone. My husband and i had a healthy sexual relationship (or what i thought healthy was) untill i fell pregnant. I was and am conviced that he has lost interest of suffers from ” i cant be dirty with the mother of my kids syndrome”. Miltiple variants has run through my mind, sex is constantly at the back of my head. Every night while i lay in bed i wonder and HOPE that my husband would just hold me, touch me, kiss me other than saying goodbye or hello. Nothing ever happens unless i complain, and by complain i mean rant at him which results in the prompt follow of sex the night there after. When the sex which does not last for very long finally happen’s then it lasts for all of a second and i tell myself i am content.

    I want sex all the time, i want sex when he wants it most of all. I have even told myself that he doesn’t love me anymore, whether he is cheating always crosses my mind. I gained wieght and i blame myself a lot aswell. I am a glorified room-mate with the title of Mrs Wife to said Hubby. I love my husband but i am at my wits end, and i fear i am going to choose to be single and happy instead of attached and unhappily sexually frustrated. I wouldn’t wish this problem on my worst enemy.

    Ps. My husband and i are married two years.

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I know it’s so difficult to feel rejected and unwanted. An all new level of loneliness.

      I’d suggest a couple of things: talk to him about intimacy, not sex. I mentioned that in this blog series, but don’t get into a fight about sex; instead, talk about how you’re going to stay intimate now that you’re parents and other little people are counting on the two of you being together.

      Find a mentor couple that you can talk to and that can help walk you through this. If you don’t go to a church, find a church with a great young adults group. It’s a good way to meet other young parents, and often you can do a parenting study or a marriage study in a small group which helps bring up some of these issues.

      Work on you friendship so that you do laugh a lot. When you’re laughing and building goodwill, it’s easier to talk about some of these things.

      And just keep communicating!

      If things are really bad, you may also want to seek out a counselor. Many churches do offer counseling, and they could walk you through this. And if your husband would go, too, they could talk to him about some of his issues.

      It’s not normal for a man to completely lose his sex drive, though. If he’s not having sex with you, but he does have a healthy sex drive, then I’d just verify that nothing else is going on (porn, masturbation, an affair). Ask him bluntly. It’s better to know and to deal with it together than just to suspect.

      I hope that helps! I’ve said a prayer for you.

  28. Wow is all I have to say. I’m in the opposite situation. I’m a man that is involved with my girlfriend of 13 years. I’ve always wanted sex with my girlfriend. Several times a day if possible. She did too until we had our first child together. Now I have to basically beg for it after taking her out for dinner, drinks, movie, etc. There are times when we are lucky to make love once every two – three months. I’ve researched this so much and found some things that could have destroyed her libido and when I bring them up to her she blows them off. I’ve seen that thyroid or hormone imbalance was a big factor in decreasing libido in women and when I mention that and to maybe see her doctor she refuses because she doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong so she won’t go. Yes she has put on extra weight and stretch marks from kids, but I still find her as beautiful as the day we met and have told her that. When I try to initiate sex she tells me it’s my need, not hers and I need to deal with it myself. Like she doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I don’t wont to have sex just for my satisfaction which I have told her every time we would have sex. In the past year or so when we do have sex, she just lays there and makes me feel like she is just giving in to shut me up. I want her to enjoy it as we’ll and asked should we try a different position, does she need more foreplay, I’ve giving her a massage before to help relax her, drew a bubble bath playing a relaxing cd for her and puts the kids in bed. I want to be felt desired and yet want to make love to her not just sex for me but because of who I am when I’m with her. Because of everything she is. You can’t be any closer to a person then inside of them and I feel so close to her and yet so far away. I don’t know how many more times I can be told NO without me doing something hurtful not only to her but to me as we’ll. I’ve even explained that if she doesn’t want penetration, there’s other thing we can do to still have the sexual feelings, the closeness. She’s not even in the mood to just kiss and make out once the kids are in bed to express our feelings for one another. When I’m told I need to deal with this myself and she tells me no, I almost think I need to turn to porn or having an affair. I don’t want to, but when the person I thought I could come to for anything tells me I need to deal with it myself I almost feel like the relationship is dead. She doesn’t seem to get I’m coming to her for this. I find her desirable, I find her compassionate, I find her caring and thoughtful. I’m hanging on for now hoping some day shell go to the doctor and have the tests done. I don’t want my kids to go through us being separated but I can’t be unhappy the rest of my life. I’m seeing more each day that I need to be happy go to bed at night, wake up in the morning and living each day with some that desires me and can appreciate each other then sleeping next to a cold shoulder that doesn’t want to be with me. Sex is not everything, but I feel it is part of a relationship and making each other feeling good about themselves and who they are. When an argument arises I force myself to apologize to her after every one and yet she has not once apologized. I believe that telling her I’m sorry about what we argued about doesn’t make me right or wrong, just that I value the relationship more then the disagreement. She won’t even look at that as a sign that I care about her. I hope all the women here resolve the sex issues with there husbands, but also hope all the men going through this as well find a solution so that we can live in a world of happiness and love.

  29. I’m 30, He’s 48, we haven’t had sex in 3 years, he’s turn me down so many times I dont even try anymore. He just saying he’s not in the mood or I guess it’s the medicine he’s on. I need some answers help me

  30. Yr 6 of marriage says:

    I know this is way late since this blog was from 2012, but how do you KNOW which is the case? We were married at 21 in 2007. We had ups & downs throughout. Our 1st 2yrs we had horrible schedules between work & college..we hardly saw one another. He was working nights at the hospital. I always felt there was an issue..for a long time I thought it was women from work, only to find that it truly wasn’t a problem. In 2011 he confessed his porn/mastrubation addictions after I’d come home from visiting my mother for a couple of days 4hrs away. We sought counseling, spoke w/ our pastor, & he’s into the covenant eye programs now. Sex hasn’t increased. At all. He promises he’s not still doing his thing on the sly..he says he wants to as much as I do.. We just don’t. But that doesn’t make sense to me. I believe he’s no longer addicted. I have seen him grow spiritually so much in the last 4months even… So I’m baffled as to what the problem really is this time! We are 27yrs old. This is when we’re still supposed to be crazy & embarrassing(in a good way) & spontaneous w/ our sex life, right? So what gives?? I’m lost. I’ve been praying God strengthen our marriage in every way, get out any unforgiveness in me I may have towards him still…it just seems to be dormant & I’m starting to feel extremely alone & desperate. Recently, a mutual friend of ours, (male) has been overly friendly w/ me. I’d be lying to say I didn’t enjoy the attention. It makes it hard to be so sexually lacking & frustrated when there are blatant offers elsewhere…not to have it cross your mind! Which I have since distanced myself from that person & asked God to remove that temptation… What I want is my husband to want me. That’s all.

    • Hi there,

      This is actually really common, and I’m writing an ebook about this this summer, which hopefully will be ready in the fall.

      Here’s the scenario: he was engaged in porn. He used it all the time and masturbated. Now he’s quit. But he STILL doesn’t want sex.

      And the reason is that he’s rewired his brain so that what is attractive is an image, and not a person, and he has a hard time getting aroused for sex. He’s just not used to the thought of sex getting him aroused, and he has a hard time with it.

      So what he has to do is figure out how to feel intimate with sex, and how make sex appealing. And that’s a really hard thing to do to rewire your brain again.

      I’d just talk to him a lot, and work on your intimacy. I talk a TON about this very dynamic in both the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. It may be a good idea to work through 31 Days with him, and see if that helps. It can help him think differently.

      Hope that helps!

  31. I read all of your posts and I don’t know if it helps or hurts. I’m on my honeymoon for the last 4 days and have yet to have sex with my husband. I sneak away to cry. I wait until he falls asleep to sneak out to cry some more. I know he loves me and I’ve tried the cute outfits and even suggested watching porn to help but he’s not into that. We use to have a long distance relationship and we would see each other every weekend and always had sex. Then he relocated and the sex slowed to almost nothing. He’s a great man and I love him but I am a sexual person. We talk and he says it’s always been this way with him but I can’t see how since we use to have sex in the beginning all of the time. I don’t know what to do. All I can ever think is if I just lose 30 more pounds he may want me. I’m heart broken and don’t know what to do. He mentions going to the doctor but never will. My happiest times of being on my honeymoon and in love leave me crying in hidden places and my heart is completely broken.

  32. It’s difficult for me to post here, I’ve never said this to anyone before. I’m the husband of a wonderful wife. I found this site and comments looking about my problem, it seems its rare but not entirely unheard of. My wife and I don’t have much sex. She thinks its because I have a low libido, but I think the truth is I just don’t find her attractive. I allow her to think that I’m just not into sex or women so as not to hurt her feelings. But I do find other women attractive :(. I’ll never leave her, I love her loads. But I see her as a friend or sister rather than a lover. She’s the only girlfriend I’ve ever had, but I wish I found her sexy. I guess I’m only posting here just to offer another alternative to the problem being medical or porn related.

  33. It’s difficult for me to post here, I’ve never said this to anyone before. I’m the husband of a wonderful wife. I found this site and comments looking about my problem, it seems its rare but not entirely unheard of. My wife and I don’t have much sex. She thinks its because I have a low libido, but I think the truth is I just don’t find her attractive. I allow her to think that I’m just not into sex or women so as not to hurt her feelings. But I do find other women attractive . I’ll never leave her, I love her loads. But I see her as a friend or sister rather than a lover. She’s the only girlfriend I’ve ever had, but I wish I found her sexy. I guess I’m only posting here just to offer another alternative to the problem being medical or porn related.

    • Ahusband says:

      I just want to add for clarification that its not that I’ve stopped finding my wife sexy, it’s that I’ve never been attracted to her physically or personality wise, I never fell in love with her or has that ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’. I love her deeply but in a platonic sense.

      I find myself in the same position as those who have arranged marriages to in attractive spouses, or to a gay man who married in an effort to change his orientation, or to someone who married because of family pressure, or for security, companionship, money, or some other reason apart from passion.

      Only with hindsight do I realise that to marry apart from romantic attraction and passion is a terrible mistake, one which has ruined both our lives.

      • I assume from the silence there is no solution for someone in my situation. It is as I suspected. Again, I urge people to make sure they only marry where there is passion, sexual interest and romantic love. Friendship, companionship, security, obligation, hope it will change you – or them, etc aren’t enough for a truly happy marriage.

      • I assume by the silence that there is no solution to my problem. I suspected as much. Again, I urge people never to marry without passion, romance and sexual interest. Friendship, companionship, obligation, security, thinking you – or they – would change, ec just isn’t enough for a happy marriage.

        • Still no comment. It is the most terrible feeling to have a marriage devoid of natural attraction. I totally sympathise with all the women on here who are desperate for their husbands to find them sexually attractive, I see the pain my wife goes through and the damage it has done to both our lives – doomed to unfulfilled sexuality and the various negative emotional and relational knock-on effects. After a a decade and a half I think there is no solution. If it wasn’t for family and parental responsibilities, I would choose death for the sake of my wife – a chance for her to find someone who can love her as she deserves.

  34. Erin Tobin says:

    My husband and I have been married for four years. I had a 10 year old son who had some disabilities. We have a two year old son and I’m pregnant with our last son. when we first got together our sex was amazing. Best sex I’ve ever had. It was hot abc emotional and playful. It was filled with foreplay and happened a few times a week. Now, slowly I feel like things are disappearing. No foreplay, no exciting or fun stuff. Just this boring pattern that lasts 15 min and is over. Not to mention it happens once a month. When I try for sex he tells me it’s annoying. If I try to cuddle he tells and falls asleep. When I used to touch him or kids him he lloved it, now it’s just ” annoying” we used to send playful sexy texts back and forth. Now if I send one he ignores it. I know he’s not cheating, he’s very loving and always there for us. He says he’s so busy, works so hard, gets up so early, or schedules don’t work, and I bug him constantly… I know he looks at porn at least three times a week. He tells me it’s normal but if it takes away from us I feel it’s not normal. He tells at me when I say that and then he tells meto stop that I’m causing problems. He says all couples don’t have sex more then once a month. That it’s all in my head. I’m 34 and he’s 33. We should be having sex more then once a month. I feel neglected and I feel like something is wrong with me or that I’m too much effort for him. He’s slowly taken away the little intimate things I loved about us. My fun texts, my good morning cuddle time, my physical affection and sex.

    • Erin, I’m so sorry, and you are definitely not alone. It sounds to me very much like the porn is the problem. I don’t think that you can just let this go. I’m not sure if you go to church or not, but can you talk to a counselor or a pastor about it and ask them to talk to your husband together? Can you ask your husband to see a marriage counselor? He’s denying you one of the most important parts of marriage and he’s meeting his own needs selfishly. I would say to him: You have time to be on porn three times a week, but you don’t have time for me. You’d rather just please yourself than try to build a true, intimate relationship. That’s sad.

      If you need a way to ease him into it or talk to him about it slowly, perhaps trying my 31 Days to Great Sex? Those are challenges that couples can do together, and I do bring up the point that porn wrecks a couple’s sex life.

      I’m so sorry, and I hope that you can work past this!

  35. My husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer twice in 8 months. He has no desire for sex, he said he feels like less of a man. It has gotten to the point to where I can’t even touch him or see him naked. I don’t like to be the one to make a move because I am scared that he will push me away. He recently asked me if I wanted to try and I said yes, but still nothing has happened. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like we have no connection at all. We just got Married in February and so it has been really hard for me.

  36. I am married for 3 yrs now. I hv a 14month old son n another baby on de way. 7mths pregnant. My hubby used to be very romantic and sexually active during our 3 to 4 mth of marriage but after dat he used to make love with me 1mth once sometimes 2mths ones. He no longer kisses me or touches me like he use too before. Sometimes I feel so lonely and down in tears. He always tells me reason that he is tired, sick and sleepy. Sometimes when I can’t control myself I use to hug him and seduce him. But he rejected me many times. I feel so bad and frustrated whenever he rejects me. My husband is a good looking men with great body and features. He works in a airline business. Sometimes I feel he has no love or feelings for me anymore

  37. Can I just encourage all wives not to be too naive when it comes to porn being a possible cause. I went through a lot of confusion in our first few months of marriage. Hubby was sensitive to the question “how come you don’t want sex as much as you did when we were engaged?” (We struggled heaps with the temptation before marriage and then suddenly, once being married, a lot of the “I want you” disappeared from him)

    I went from thinking it was me, low testosterone… I even read somewhere he may have been sexually confused which really freaked me out.
    EVENTUALLY I DISCOVERED PORN and a particular ‘sexting’ partner from before he followed Christ were taking up all his sexual time. If we did it twice in two days I knew it would be at least a week before we had sex again. I even started to lose interest.

    Please wives, try not to be angry when you confront him. And definitely seek help. In this case it went deeper than a male curiosity into porn and I gather stems from an addiction to that type of dirty-excitement and control. (Hence the sexting partner.)
    We are still working through this. Only 20months in our marriage. God’s grace is what is keeping me level headed and has helped me to forgive him. Porn/sexting doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage, if you deal with it straight away.

    What I found in a few blogs and even after speaking with my husband is that the addiction makes him feel desperate and excited until he gets what he wants, and then he feels putrid. What was first exciting dirty suddenly became shameful. Apparently he felt relief most of the times I discovered it was continuing, because when darkness is brought into light and out of secrecy you can see it for what it truly is, making it I guess, easier to say no to.

    I really feel bad for young men growing up in today’s easy-access-porn society. Even I, as a girl find myself staring for a few seconds in confusion and curiosity if a pop up appears. (Then god reminds me to flee from sexual immorality. Not face it.) I can only imagine the difficulty for men, who find a major link between the visual and sexual arousal, to flee.

    Also, Thank you very much to the writer for your article. I really appreciated that you were sure to mention that being sexy sometimes isn’t working, and that it’s okay. You really managed to capture what a wife in this position feels and thinks. (“Am I second best” etc)

    We are working through this mess. God is teaching me about myself first and hopefully, in allowing him to fix me, I can then be all the support my husband needs (selflessly … Which I haven been at times..most).

    Wives….. Some needs will never be fulfilled by any human or thing, but only through God. Right now I’m sure a lot of you are so desperate for hubby’s attention and admiration that you feel you’re missing a fulfillment in your life. It’s sucky but I’m learning that the additional pain piling up on top of this sex-addiction issue is something my husband doesn’t know how to fill/fix. (Yet) But that’s okay. God is filling the void for me. And I’m sure he will teach hubby eventually.

    One other thing to mention, that it wish I had have been prepared for, is that hubby, when confronted with this sort of sin (porn, cheating etc) will most likely twist the blame on you, even indirectly. One night hubby even had me believing he had never loved me and that I was inadvertently forcing him to stay married (lol our wedding vows were til death do us part!) and I listened to it. He was hurting and if we expect it’s normal for a dog to bite us if we scare it whilst it’s injured, we should probably expect the same from humans. He loves you. He married you. And unless God convicts you and says so, I’m very very sure it’s not your fault.

    Gosh I really do talk a lot. :)

    Pray girls. Pray for your mr. Pray a blessing. Thank god for him. Ask God to forgive you (if you can) for any anger/hate you’re feeling towards him. A very wise wife of 40+ years told me this today and you would not believe how incredibly it has helped my emotions level out. God is giving me the grace to forgive and love hubby.


  38. ElizabethTriley says:

    I have read through almost everyone of these. My husband and I are about the same. I try to flirt with him and make him feel special, but he always tells me to stop touching him in that way. I will admit that I did do the lingerie, but that hurts when I get rejected. I talked with him, but he won’t give me a clear answer to why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. There has been a couple times where I caught him looking at porn, but I have always been there for his sexual needs. Why does he need that for when I am here? He tells me that I am attractive to him and he does think I am sexy, but we don’t do it. I have been married for only two years with him. Is this normal to start to have sexual issues this early in marriage? I don’t know what else to do anymore. We use to have so much fun sexually before we got married and a few months after, but now I feel that the only way to have sex with him is to beg him for it. I don’t want to do that. I want to be able to have fun with him again and to be able to make love. Now I am ready to give up on him. He keeps telling me that he is going to change, but nothing is happening. He keeps telling me that over and over again. I don’t want this to end up going badly for us. I want to make love with my husband, not fight with him and than I get a little something from it. That is a horrible feeling to have.

  39. Porn Problems says:

    I wrote a comment on here MONTHS ago. Turns out the problem was once again, pornography. Listen up, ladies. Unless there is a physical problem with your man, he is “releasing” elsewhere & that’s why he doesn’t want to “make love” Pornography addiction is like most addictions, very selfish actions. If they’re viewing it, they’re getting that release & don’t need to appeal to your emotional or physical needs..their physical need is met. If it’s not mastrubation & porn, it could be another human. Whatever…he’s getting that “feeling” & doesn’t need you. I think I’ve read everything on this subject I can stand. Both sides. I found a completely demoralizing article about “why he looks at porn” it’s a man saying it’s because it’s not his wife. His wife nags & gripes where as xxx girl just wants to get to business..even if it is just fantasy, he doesn’t have to worry about anything but pleasing himself…& that’s all fantasy xxx wants also.. Sick. Ladies, the only way to recover from this type of intrusion in your marriage is head on. The only way to do that starts with him. Not you. He has to be honest & actually want you over his “elsewhere release” Some men have gotten so used to a quick selfie…they physically cannot keep up with you..or it’s so quick..they’re one & done & you’re still not satisfied. Thankfully, this isn’t the case w/ my hub & I. He hasn’t quite gone that far…he does “get off” much quicker though..too quick sometimes. The longer he goes w/o porn, the better it gets. Anyway. I’m not trying to be a voice of doom by any means-there’s too much of that online. I’m simply explaining my discoveries. Nothing will get better unless he wants to be better. Really really wants it. Once he’s honest (just like any addiction) you have to admit you have a problem before you can tackle the problem. He’s admitted & confronted his problem. He went 2yrs w/o pornography. He had a relapse because I had gone under surgery & could not have sex for 2mo. At the same time, he discovered a “window” on the internet where his viewing wouldn’t be tracked. After his first time, we worked with our pastor to install an internet receipt of all things viewed on our computer & his phone. Our church had some new developments & we got a new pastor, who was not getting a report yet. (My husband did speak to him but it wasn’t first on the new pastors list of things to do) I’m not blaming him by any means…my husband just saw the opportunity & unfortunately, took it. I was even more angry. He went TWO YRS w/o it! Thankfully by the time I found out he was doing it, he had already not viewed it in over a month. He came to me w/ a new idea to keep him accountable…I started asking why this burning desire to be accountable if he hadn’t forsaken his promise to begin with….sure enough he had. I got the report. There wasn’t a ton of sites, it was extremely sporadic, & he’d already quit all by himself. (Trying to focus on positive, here)
    My largest struggle is, how many relapses does out marriage withstand? He was a leader in our church. He’s been publicly removed. He was very much for the public removal. He said maybe the humiliation will help since last time it was taken care of in secret…. ????? We have a child. I don’t know how many relapses I can take & maintain a positive attidude. Pornography sucks. He not only didn’t want me in a sexual way…he was totally disconnected period. Down to not even having time for our child. He was too distracted. He just wanted to come home eat dinner & watch sports then go to sleep. He was in a completely selfish state of mind. No one mattered but him. Nothing mattered except he’d already satisfied all his desires & needs all alone. Things are better again. The sceptic inside asks, “for how long this time?”
    When is enough, enough? When do I say to myself, you’re better off without him? Do I ever say that? I’m lost, hurt & confused. We’re supposed to start professional counseling to help with his selfish disconnected issues along with the pornography. Pray for us!

    • Just to point out, as per my comment above, it isn’t always a porn related problem (though I appreciate this is a common issue).

  40. Dear Elizabeth,
    I know where you are at and it’s so very hard. To be in a begging situation. You are not alone in this very hard journey. Here is my diary entry from last night so you know that others live with this pain and struggle. Even newly married couples.

    Dear Diary,
    Well I lay here again feeling empty and lost. I was so excited when I left the house this morning he told me when I was laying in bed with him this morning when I said can we have a date in bed tonight…. Please!! He said yes. I promise.

    Well I should have known by now the words and promises mean nothing. I got a few kisses and them how about tomorrow. Which I agreed and knew will never happen.

    My heart is slowly dying. My body puts up a fake smile now and I live in a fog that I hope consumes me so I don’t have to live in this pain. The kids are what I love for.

    All I want is to be wanted. Kissed like he wants me. The I love you so much baby are now empty words I hear that mean nothing to me anymore.

    Love is not selfish and one sided. Why can he not just do it for me. There were times in the beginning that I was not in the mood. But I tried did it for him. I wish it went that way for him. I’m putting up a shell to hide my rejection and am to the point that I am just smiling fake smiles because I want to make everyone see the me I use to be. The me that is lost and the me that is dying. I don’t even cry myself to sleep anyone because the tears are wasted. I was stupid yesterday to get excited and it won’t happen again. I have to remember to not hope or look forward but to know this is my life. I go back to be careful what you wish for it may come true. I wanted to marry him. But that was the mistake and now I must live with a life in the fog.

  41. Porn Problems says:

    Ahusband… Instead of surfing the net & commenting on a page basically for women who are at a loss to please their husbands but still love then dearly & want them to want us…saying “maybe he just doesn’t find you attractive” isn’t a way to win friends & influence ppl…at least on this page. Most of us are desperate & it really has nothing to do with our control.
    Have you sought professional help? Have you prayed God give you a deep love for this woman like He’d have you love her? Are you even a believer? I know the blaring obvious question is why on earth DID you marry an individual you’re in no way shape or form attracted to?? That answer I suppose doesn’t help now that it’s done. How long have you been married? Does she feel this way about you? Do y’all have children? You’re giving very little info about the situation except: I don’t love her & I’m not sexually attracted…what do I do?
    Where a blindfold? lol I’m not making light of the situation. Promise. Have you tried every possible way to TRY to be attracted??? Again, I’d say seek a professional. Not a book or a web page, a real live Dr that can converse with you. Best of luck…. We all need it.

    • Yes to most of your questions, except seeking professional help. That is off limit for various obvious reasons. I posted here because where else was I to go? Who else could I say this to except anonymously? But while here I noticed that no one had addressed this issue or, it seems, even considered it. Given the huge number of arranged marriages and marriages of convenience that exist in the world, I suspect that I am very far from being alone. I want to know if there is a way of finding someone attractive if you don’t naturally.

  42. @Fred– is she on birth control? I’ve found I have like, no libido when I’m on bc…literally. I could go months as well. I stopped taking it….night & day. Now I’m the one bugging him….I’m the one that would be ok w/ more than once a day….& we have an 11mo old. I’ve still got extra weight…& I’ve got stretch marks now….there’s all kinds of product to fade them…& lights out is always a comfortable option if she’s insecure about the baby damage. It’s awesome you still love her like it’s not there! Never stop telling her she’s beautiful.

  43. This has really become a major problem for me in my relationship.
    In 2013 we have had sex 4 times…at least thats his calculation. We have actually only had sex 3 times.
    Now I do know that he is on a medication that effects his sex drive drastically but I don’t think that I can take it much longer.
    This has made me feel so ugly and worthless as a wife. We live together as roommates. Sure,we get along really well, rarely fight about anything. … in all honesty, every other aspect of our life together is great. It’s just that every single ounce of intimacy is GONE. No cuddling, snuggling, hand holding, kissing. …nothing. its non existant. Gone. And it hurts so so bad.
    About two months ago he suffered a pretty bad injury and I thought that we were getting much closer….he had even said that when he gets better things will be different…but slowly and surely as he got better things went back to normal. The hand holding, the touching, all of it just disappeared.
    I just dont know what to do. I’ve asked him for sex, I have pranced around nearly naked in front of him….it doesnt affect him at all. He doesn’t even LOOK at im not desirable to him AT ALL IN THE SLIGHTEST. It hurts so much.
    Last night he said that tonight we would have sex (because on the rare occassion we do it has to be booked in advance) and nothing happened at all. Not a look a touch a kiss—just nothing nothing nothing. All the time nothing and I am sick of it. Im not ugly and other men desire me…but the ONLY man that I want so desperately to want me wants nothing to do with me. Its the worst feeling in the world.
    I don’t want to do this anymore. Im sick of hurting all the time and feeling like I disgust him.
    What do I do to make him want me??? I need help. Im desperate.

    • I’m so sorry for your situation. I’m sure you are a very attractive and sexy woman. I hope you find the answer you need. Is he still on the medication? Does it have long lasting side-effects?

  44. My husband loves me. We are always together . He is very affectionate. He hugs and kisses me & tells me he loves me all day long. We just got married in Sept. We do have sex, usually 2 x’s a week. This is because I initiate it. He has very LOW sex drive & I have a very HIGH sex drive. There are no psychological reason that I know of. No high stress factors. He can have sex & we enjoy it, BUT he will never come to me wanting sex, wanting ME. I am so attracted to him that this hurts me BAD. I want him to WANT ME! W/in the past couple days I have come to the realization that he never will. This has broken something in me & I can no longer enjoy the affections he wants to give.I can’t snuggle in bed..don’t want to look at him because it hurts.

    • ****Oh…and we have talked about it. He tells me I’m “silly”. That he does want me, that we “just had sex.” I feel so fat & ugly & my heart is broken.

  45. Why is it all about the men? Give him a bath to relax him..? I’m a newly wed, my husband and I had a long distance relationship, we saw each other on the weekends, our sexual tension was high, although we tried very hard not to have sex before marriage we did slip up a few times because of how much we desired to be with each other. I’m not saying it is right, it was wrong, in my opinion. We got married, and then after a year of marriage he graduated from college and we were able to finally live together. You’re thinking wonderful, exciting, and everything else great, right? No. It was so weird, after we got married, on our honeymoon we spend over a week in Vegas, in a awesome hotel. We had a lot to do, and a lot of fun, but no sex!! I tried, and tried. I tried understanding his stress level with school, he was taking a hit with a lot of his assignments due to go on our honeymoon, and in turn he failed a class. I tried to be understanding, but it was our honeymoon, a once in a lifetime thing.. Now that we’re moved in together and he is done with school, now there is the stress of getting a job… There is literally nothing in our state. We would have to move, but he doesn’t want to move, so he settled on a mediocre job that doesn’t pay well. So now he stresses about not being able to provide… So in turn, no sex. I have a job, and we’re able to get by, and I’ve had many conversations with him about how we should move, maybe save up so he would have money for job interviews. I try to be encouraging, but he pulls away. He doesn’t seem ambitious about his career path, even though we will be paying on student loans soon, and I have kept a lot of my frustration on the down low. I try to be understanding, try to come at him in a way that isn’t too dominating, but try to figure out solutions. He holds back. He was babied by his mom, when we got married he didn’t even know how to work the stove. I don’t know what to do. I love him with all of my heart, but this is definitely not going the way I thought it would. I feel totally rejected. I feel like I don’t have a voice, because anything I bring up doesn’t really matter if he’s not completely on board, so therefore, we stay stuck in our current situation. And, no sex. If we do it’s awkward, like we try, and I end up getting upset because I didn’t really feel desired. Meaning if I don’t turn into this sex goddess and do all the work it doesn’t happen. Divorce is not am option, but I’m becoming very depressed. We’re not even 30.. We’re torn about children, and everything we once agreed upon… I’m feeling very lost.

  46. I should also note that my husband is incredibly sweet, he isn’t abusive, he isn’t critical. He isn’t combative either. I just don’t know what’s going on with him, this isn’t like him. We just can’t see eye to eye on anything, and I just want him to take control of something, but he doesn’t so by nature I do. I think it’s because of how he was raised, he really was babied by his mom, and in his parents marriage his mother dominated, and she still does. But it was because she had to, her husband, my husbands father was not ambitious at all, so in turn he let her do everything. I’m very scared and worried this will happen in our marriage, even though my husband has made it a point to promise me he wont, he resents his dad for it. I’m just not sure where this stems from, why this is happening. Like I said, we just don’t have a sex life, and I’m very sexual, and need that because I’m affectionate, and feel rejected and undesired when he won’t. We’re young, and attractive people. We’ve also been together for over 5 years, married 1 year in august. We’ve known each other since we were 14 &15. It’s not like I didn’t know who I was marring. But as weird as that sounds, I don’t really know the person I married, because things have changed so much.

    • Hi Ally,

      It sounds like your husband is just really passive because his masculinity was never really affirmed by his dad–or even his mom. I know that sounds really like psycho babble, but it’s very common.

      I think the two of you sitting down with a third party and talking things through would likely be very helpful. He may very well need to have some counseling of his own, and someone encouraging him on taking more initiative and on becoming a man. So I’d go and talk to a pastor or a counselor and ask if you can start meeting with someone.

      I hope that helps, and blessings on you!

      • This brought tears to my eyes, I’ve been looking at blogs, and other sites, along with any other reading material I could find, and came up empty. Although your answer seemed really simple, it wasn’t anything I could piece together. Thank you very much for your response! I appreciate it. I will encourage him, but he is a VERY private person, so I’m dreading this conversation a little, but it’s needed. We have a good relationship with our pastor and his wife, so I will try to talk him into talking to them. I’ve just been very worried I’d damage our marriage some way if I took too many hits to his ego. But, I completely agree with you, and I think he needs to know.
        Thanks again.

  47. I’m glad I found your site, at least now I know I’m not alone. I’m not as nice or compassionate as these previous women. We had a big fight last night. 5 month with nothing! I left him alone, no pressure. Still he didn’t initiate anything, no kissing, no holding hands or hugging. He is on medication for low testosterone and he has Viagra, which we haven’t even used!
    We have been married 9 years and the intimacy has been a challenge since day one.
    How do we find a Christian counselor in our area?

  48. I read this post and cried my way through it. My husband and I will be married 14 years this Spring. Over the years, intimacy has dwindled. We often have gone a month or two without intimacy. This year, we went 4 months. It is devastating trying to understand why this is happening. It is even more devastating when you read an article like this one and recognize all the different “tips” that you’ve already done- all the times you initiated- all the times you left him alone to “relax”- all the times you’ve showered him with gifts, affection, done extra household chores, etc. After our 4 month dry spell this summer, I was surprised with his shaved groin- for the first time in our entire relationship! I questioned it, and he implied that he did it for me. Since that time, he’s had a harder time “finishing” inside me. I can’t help but be skeptical of these changes, and wonder what the truth is. After al these years of being rejected by him, this just feels so humiliating. He won’t talk to me about sex, or our issues. He tells me I’m too interested in sex. In all honesty, I’m losing interest REAL fast. My attitude now is, if he’s not doing it because he loves me, then I don’t want it at all. I just don’t think he loves me. There’s a lot of “sighing” and eye rolling. A lot of “passing the buck” on chores and responsibilities. And he just never seems satisfied with being home ad being family. We have two kids, and it can be stressful. But I feel like a single parent. He ha chosen to work nights- and I just figure that’s his way of not being with me. I’m so depressed…

  49. It’s very interesting to me how many women have to deal with men who don’t want to have sex. I always heard of women who won’t have sex with their husband but hardly ever the other way around. I’m the man who wants to have sex with my wife even though she’s gained weight after giving birth, even though she does not cook very often and is not a good care taker of our children, even though she does not clean the house very often and did not even get me a card for Valentine’s Day. She does not work, cook, clean or take care of the kids. All her needs are met. She has her cable TV, internet, Facebook, new car and the image of a good family. All I ask for is sex a couple of times a week but we have not had sex in months. When we do have sex it’s out of obligation and leaves me feeling empty. I’m ready to leave but struggle with God’s plan for my life. Is this just my cross to bear? It’s to the point that I can’t even look at her without resentment. I don’t want my kids to see that but I just can’t help it anymore. She will not see a counselor or our pastor. We go to a small group but when this topic gets brought up, she shuts down and will not talk to anyone about it.
    James recently posted…Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Want to Use Birth ControlMy Profile

  50. Im 50 he is 54, we were both married before with adult children.
    We “fell in love” hard! and fast. from day one we only wanted to be with each other. we also couldn’t wait to make love…
    I think he is an amazing person and I find him VERY attractive. I honestly believe he adores me. I have gained alot of weight (30 lbs) that I’m really having trouble loosing and I feel unattractive despite the fact that he says I am beautiful. We have been married 3 years now and for the past 1 year or more sex has gone from once a week to closer to once a month.
    I think that part of it is my appearance but also his lack of interest.

  51. It’s sad to see so many women struggling in this area but also sadly comforting… To know we are not alone. I don’t really have the energy to write our story but it’s not far from the many stories on here. Rejection, frustration etc. I don’t understand. I really don’t get it! Porn isn’t an issue and everything else is good. It’s just like there’s no desire… I just have to keep praying. And James it’s so sad. I feel for you. Why is it that the men who want to have sex are married to the ones who don’t want it? And the women who want it are married to the ones who don’t? That’s what it seems like to me anyway!

  52. J.Jacobs says:

    My husband and I have been married for 9 years and since the beginning our sex life wasn’t great but ok. he has a stressful job and I understand him, but for the last 6 years things have got how to say not so good? since we started he would not be able to last while making love and I though that over time that will get better. Now we are in a situation that we rarely have intercourse and when we do will last 2 seconds, he would say that the reason is because we had not been together for a while or things like that, another thing that I hate is that he only think to acknowledge 10 cm of my body, because he wants to go straight to it, without a kiss or a touch. so I feel so bad with my self because of that. He stopped kissing me log time ago or hugging me, I can eve walk naked in front of him and he will not notice me. I am not fat or anything, I worked out every day and take care a lot of what I eat. So what is the problem?
    we went counselling because I feel so lonely that I was diagnose with depression and to be honest I don’t know if I am out of it. I keep going to my doctor, but he refused to go because he does not believe in it. We went to our GP and got some testosterone exam and everything was fine, he says that I feels frustrated because I get upset about the situation and that he does not do nothing to try to fix it. Now I am thinking of having an affair I really want to!!! Sometimes I wonder if life as a couples has to be like this? I cant answer that. I feel so unhappy.
    Is so wrong to have the need of feeling pretty, wanted, love?
    May be our different age? he is 54 years old while I am 32.
    What else can I do???

    • Hi there, so sorry that you’re going through this! It sounds like your issue is really one of sexual dysfunction–your husband can’t really maintain an erection for very long and he doesn’t seem to have a good understanding of how a woman’s body works. I’d recommend reading this post to see if it helps–it may be more what you’re going through.


  53. Christina says:

    My marriage feels broken. It’s been less than a year and my husband has already stepped out on me. He says he has a problem with porn. We have no intimacy left….. He makes sex feel like a chore not the blessing god designed it to be. I don’t know how to mend us. I don’t know how to trust again. I need help. I need guidance. Where can I get support. We called a therapist yesterday (when I found out). I’m just not sure I can forgive him. If he doesn’t want me now after less than a year how is he going to want me 10 years from now? I’m lost…..

    • I just want to cry reading all these comments. I can totally relate and toughed out a marriage for 4 years and my divorce finalized on Monday. I’m so sorry everyone!!!!! Why are there no easy answers????!

  54. My husband and I have been together for four years, married for two. Intimacy has always been an area of controversy. My husband has a hard time initiating and doesnt even seem to notice if we dont have sex for a couple weeks. We try to do something once a week but it doesnt always happen. If i initiate he used to turn me down, now he tries not to but still acts like its a chore to the point i dont even want to try. This has been the case since the beginning of our relationship. He has said he wants to change and it has nothing to do with me, but change has just not happened. At one point when we were dating i found a large amount of porn in his browser history. It was a big argument but i believed him when he told me it was from a virus because some of the times coincided when we were together and i knew he wasn’t watching anything. Recently i found a couple clicks on porn in his browser history again from a time i knew i wasnt home. In the ensuing confrontation, he gave me what i believe to be a bigger picture of what is going on. He was in a serious relationship before he met me in which he was sexually active. Once the relationship got serious, the girlfriend started denying sex. He stayed with her for over a year after that and tried to find ways to satisfy himself without cheating on her. He says this didn’t work either. Eventually he just programmed himself to not care about sex anymore. He said he feels terrible that he cannot be more passionate in his relationship with me because he does love me more than anything and is just desperate to find anything to reawaken his passion for sex again. He thought watching porn might do that. I want this to happen too. I am desperately in love with him and wish every day that he would want to touch me as much as I want to touch him. He is my soulmate in every other way. We just can’t seem to find a way to break the grasp of his previous girlfriend. She was a terrible person (I do know some facts from other sources, she was cheating and stealing from him even after the relationship ended). Since dating her he has struggled with depression and weight. He many times says he just wants to be the self he was before he met her. I do believe he loves me and when we do have sex, it is sincere and intimate… I don’t think porn is the problem in this case. It is just a matter of him being permanently turned off. Lingerie doesn’t help, I am pretty fit and our only child is adopted so my body is as good as its gonna get. I am in late 20s he is early 30s… Any suggestions?

    • Hi Steph,

      Unfortunately I don’t have any easy answers because I am in a similar situation– my husband and I are about the same age as you guys and we have been married for 3 years. And reading some of the other posts on here from women who have been married longer and have much worse problems worries me, mostly for them but also for my husband and I in the future. Luckily it’s not that bad yet, but it’s enough to make me feel unwanted, ugly, and keep me awake crying at night. As you said, my body isn’t going to get any better from here. We do have an 8 month old daughter but we were having this problem even before I got pregnant and gained a few pounds that i still have (15ish, but I’m still “normal” weight). My husband was with a lot of other women before he met me and I was a virgin. So I thought that a normal sex life was what we had at the beginning, a few times a week with him initiating most of the time. But now I’m always initiating and he always has an excuse why he doesn’t want to. His job is demanding and has a lot of night/weekend hours, but he was working even more when we first met and we didn’t have this problem. He’s a great father and so great in every other way — he has really changed for the better since I met him, for example given up gambling and other bad habits. He does use porn though, it seems to affect men more than I realized. Initially it didn’t bother me because I thought it was just a normal guy thing, but based on what people are saying here it has more of an effect than we realize. And since he never had a long relationship before he met me, I’m also afraid that he’s just bored of me. When we do have sex, afterwards he’ll say “do you get what you wanted?” and that makes me feel even worse than if we hadn’t done anything. I know he means it in a positive way because he’s trying to make me happy but it really hurts.

      I brought it up with him, even though I was afraid this would make the problem worse, and he suggested that I let him chase me. For example, I should be the one to say I’m not in the mood, or in other words make him miss me a little bit. I guess it makes sense because you always hear that men are the “hunters”, but it’s so hard to hide how I feel and just wait around to see how long it will take him. I’m trying so hard to appreciate what I do have with him because I really do love him and I don’t want him thinking that I don’t appreciate all the other things he does for you. Best of luck to you and all the other posters here, I’m just glad to know that we’re not alone.

  55. hello everyone,

    I am 27 yrs old and my husband is 35 yrs old… v had a love marriage and we are married for almost 2 yrs. My husband was very passionate before marriage. its just 4 months down d line when he started pulling away from this … there are some family issues and i understand that he is strssed up…but atleast once in a while a man might just want to get closer….its not just having sex..its all about making love…feeling that intimacy in the relationship. i know he loves me….he takes good care , provides me with my needs, gets me gift..makes me feel very special…BUT he doesnt wanna have sex…..he has just refrained from it…n it frustrates me so much..ive tried talking to him but its all in vain and he doesnt even want to visit a doctor.
    its been 5 months v’ve not got intimate n it has started to bother me as if somehing is wrong with me or m not attractive anymore or may be he likes someone else now( possibility is less coz he has gained a lot after marriage)…there is a lot of porn that he watches but does nt want to admit it !!
    i dont know what to do ..whom to consult n talk to….came across this website n thought of putting up my issue…

    thank you

  56. Since I posted here, my husband and i have had some really open discussions and I feel like he is finally listening and opening up. Between our adoption worker providing some counseling (I was surprised he even discussed our issues with her on his own) and the mandatory physical providing a medical reason for the issues (he has a follow up to do a sleep test for sleep apnea which could be the cause of his depression, weight gain, low energy, and low libido), we are finally on track to reclaiming our relationship. It is bizzare to me that he doesn’t see sex as a natural expression of love. I just want him to want me. But it has taken breaking it down into almost a step by step process (how romantic, I know) to make sex happen more, but shockingly it is working. We plan one night a week and expect a minimum of two. Since we agreed on that he has bought me flowers and planned a romantic date and run baths for me… in the past few weeks he has finally tried to be attentive in bed and out of bed… A minor hiccup, he still doesn’t get subtle cues from me when I try to initiate. Which led to a discussion yesterday in which he referred to his points garnished earlier in the week. I learned that to motivate his sports oriented mind, he has a goal (2x a week) and then strategizes how to meet that goal and plan preemptive strikes (sex before we even planned it), and envisions himself getting points for doing really well… Not romatic to me to see it that way, but who am I to complain when he is trying!!! He wants it to be more natural but we are hoping following a formula now will build a habit and then allow more natural flow in the future. It is so frustrating that it took so long to find some possible answers. Men are so stubborn and embarrassed of these problems and who knows if we would have found these underlying issues or opened up our communication without this adoption requiring it. Wanted to give anyone else out there a little hope, maybe some ideas…

  57. My husband has at varying times in our 2 year marriage withheld sex. Prior to us getting married, he wanted to be intimate all of the time probably because we were trying to wait and the chase was thrilling. Once we were married, quickly our sex life became a once a week thing, and then every other week, and now we haven’t had sex for over a month. We’ve really never had a healthy sex life in my opinion even though I’ve tried encouraging more exploration, reading, experimenting, etc. When I have expressed my feelings of rejection before, he has said that the fact I don’t exercise affects his attraction towards me. I know it seems like a simple solution to just exercise and see if he’ll sleep with me, but quite frankly I feel it extremely hurtful. There was a good month I was exercising 5 days a week and nothing seemed to really change. I’ve always been slender and taken care of my appearance through healthy eating. Exercise isn’t something I’ve ever been in a great habit of doing because I find it hard to find the time and I don’t prioritize it (though I probably should). He says it’s not about my physical appearance, but about my health. I just don’t believe him because I have no health issues and have perfect health. It feels like an excuse for something greater, or that he just isn’t attracted to my body because it’s not perfectly toned, model thin, etc. but he knows that would sound terrible to critique my appearance. I tried to talk about it this evening and approached it very calmly, but he quickly became defensive and started accusing me of trying to push him into an intense conversation and that I wasn’t really asking him in a way that showed I was open to having a conversation. I know he wouldn’t talk to someone from our church about this, but I don’t really know what to do. I feel extremely rejected and criticized even though he says it’s more concern for my health.

  58. Hi there. I am 23 years old and my husband is 46. Yes, he is twice older than me. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now. before got married, we spent 2 months as boyfriend-girlfriend. I was a virgin and he was my very first boyfriend. It wasn’t an issue to me that he is too old and he was once married and divorced. I love him too much that I had to beg to my family to accept him. By the way, I am a Filipina and he is Korean. Culture difference, age gap and his past are not big deal. I am more focused on loving him than any other issues. I am sure that he loves me much more than I do. He sacrificed going back to his real country just to stay with me. He would not want to go back to Korea without me.
    On the first year of our marriage, he suddenly lost his job, so he had to stay home for several months while I work at night in a call center. Money was a problem then but we never argue about it. While he stays at home and I work, he prepared my meal, send me to work and fetch me. He took really good care of me.
    We wanted to have a baby in the first year but, i guess too much stress for him because he felt too down about himself being jobless (he never mentioned anything about it though, I just feel it) and I am stressed and tired from work too. But we had a healthy sex life .We make love 3 times a week back then.
    After 4 months of being jobless, he finally got a job. The pay was good so he gained self esteem again but he has to work at least 12 hours a day. So he go out very early in the morning and arrive home late night around 9pm. He asked me to stop working and just stay home so that we can focus on conceiving a baby
    Now that he is too focused on his job, it is taking him away from me. He would come home too tired and stressed out so i don’t even bother asking him to have sex with me. We had sex only once a month but aside from that, everything is still as good as usual. He is still very sweet. He is addicted to my kiss,he hugs me all the time, he always tell me he loves me very much and Im sure he is very loyal to me. Just he doesn’t have sex with me like before.At night before we sleep, i WOULD TOUCH him and give hint that i want him i need him but he would just laugh at me and hug me then ask me to makes me feel rejected,so alone and frustrated, looking at him loudly snoring and is in deep sleep.
    i think the problem is with me. i am a very healthy and young woman. I have active sex drive.

    It makes me think about having an affair with a guy same age with me and is still very active and would satisfy my sexual needs. BUT i love him too much that I cannot afford to cheat on him.
    I am thinking, is it because he is probably turned off because i stopped working and I am always at home without make up when he arrives? iam not sexy anymore?or is it because he lost the libido because he is already 46?
    what should I do to have the active sex life back?

  59. I am having some issues too. My husband grew up in a very strict Christian household where sex was never talked about. We have been married just six months and he does not flirt with me, show affection, or EVER initiate anything physical. If I try, he will push me away. I don’t think I am unattractive, we are not old (so we should be very sexual, right?) and both very fit. I am very, very attracted to him and it tears me to pieces every time he rejects me or does not give me the affection I crave. He is a good person, but without mutual physical connection, what is the difference between him and any other dearly loved *friend*? It hurts so much and I am beside myself, as I consider him my best, closest friend. I wonder if his strict, private upbringing has something to do with it…his parents never show public affection and he was taught to always act ‘manly.’ And yes, he thoroughly enjoyed sex at the beginning of our marriage, but I am always having to make so much effort initiating, trying new things, etc. Physical contact and intimacy is a huge priority for me and I just don’t know if that will ever be a natural thing for him…:(

  60. Without disagreeing with anything written as a counselor I’d like to add that there are things wives do and don’t do that can affect their husband’s desire for sex. The article reads a bit as if the husband turning down sex must mean something is wrong with him. The point of treating your man in a manly way is understated. Respect is a number one need for men. If you have a habit of questioning your spouses reliability, ability, dependability it can leave him wanting to protect himself from you, this of course is not going to lead to sex. Likewise, while it runs counter to stereotypes, some men need and want an emotional connection for intimacy. If you find he failed at something but are hoping tonight will be a special night, realize that if you rail him for a mistake or disappointment he caused you, this is not a great way to encourage his desire. You may need to pick your battles and save that serious issue for another time.

    Treat your man well. Add to his dignity, and be the best person he talks to each day. Good emotional intimacy lends itself to good physical intimacy be interested in what he likes and wants and it goes a long ways to making you one of those things.

    During sex beware of too much criticism at once. He may have a lot to learn about how to please you, but if you leave him feeling like he doesn’t have what it takes to please you, realize no one likes to set themselves up for failure.

    In short, make sure you’re a voice of encouragement and affirmation. Not just when you want it but consistently.

  61. Frustrated says:

    I am a young wife (23) and my husband is in his late 20s. We got married fairly quick and have been together for 2 years, married for 1.In the beginning our sex life was great. It was frequent and he always was willing to have it. But now for the past several months, our sex life has been almost non existent. Once a week, which is just not satisfying to me at all.

    I admit I have issues communicating my feelings and when I feel vulnerable, I retaliate and turn angry and defensive and say things I regret. I’m trying to work on this. So telling my husband about my hurt feelings at him rejecting me doesn’t come from a kind place but instead a hurt and angry, blaming place. I know this has only pushed him further and further away. Now, every time I try and express my feelings he turns defensive and angry. The sad thing is that we both want the same thing. To be happy in our marriage because we both love each other so much but we don’t know how to fix this. He feels like a failure and I feel rejected and unattractive.

    I’ve tried not initiating. Leaving him to try and “chase” me. But he’ll go for weeks not even acknowledging it or he’ll sense something isn’t right and feel like I’m giving him the cold shoulder because im always really affectionate and it gets me to a point where I can’t hold it in anymore and explode with hurt and frustration. The thing that hurts the most is that I know he’s not into porn or having an affair. I just want him to grab my butt or tell me I’m beautiful once in a while but that’s not him. He shows his love through actions like doing things for me. But I need this physical connection.

    I’ve explained to him countless times what I need. It seems like he takes it in for awhile. Gives me pitty sex and then goes back to the same routine. I love him so much and I’ve tried building him up, showing my appreciation, thanking him for working so hard, complimenting him but nothing seems to work. I’ve often thought about giving up or having an affair. Because I’m so in satisfied and don’t know what to do. But I know no matter how bad it gets, I’ll never go outside my marriage. I’d rather get a divorce before I shame myself and my husband. I’m just so frustrated and sad.

  62. Hi. My husband and I are newly married but have been together for 4 years. I have tried everything. He turns me down and pushes new away when I try to initiate anything. He DOES NOT initiate ever. It is so bad that I’m depressed feel alone and feel like he doesn’t want anymore. His excuse is, that’s all I am worried about because I ask our try to initiate. I have rutted talking and explaining how I feel to him. I also encourage him, I tell him all the time how attractive and sexy he is, I tell how proud of him I am as a father and husband. I even try pics a messages to him to spark something up. But nothing. It’s really hurting me witch is hurting our marriage because I feel that he is pushing me away and in turn make me feel a little distant. I love my husband wore then words can describe but something isn’t right and it killing me. I need help

  63. This has been a struggle since like the week after we got married. I was 19 and he was 21, it has been almost 3 years now and it is still a major struggle and we have talked about it a gazillion times with not really any improvement. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it either. I feel like we really need to have a support group! It feels like no one understands and it’s impossible not to think there is something wrong with me or I’m not attractive or desirable. I know I’m beautiful in Christ but I need to know my husband finds me attractive and desires me too. I hate bringing it up with him especially after having had the same conversation SEVERAL times in the past 3 years because I know he feels bad about it and he is SUCH a wonderful husband in every other way possible but to spend so much time hurting and crying and feeling so lonely and rejected all the time is not ok. I just wish I could connect with other young wives who understand too, maybe it wouldn’t’t feel quite so lonely and I wouldn’t’t feel like some sort of sex addict or freak for wanting my husband so much more than he wants me.

  64. This has been a struggle in my marriage since about 2 weeks after we got married. I was 19 and he was 21 and it has been almost 3 years now and it is still an issue even after discussing it a gazillian times in the past 3 years. I know i am beautiful in Christ, and i always try to look pretty physically, i need to know that my husband finds me attractive and desires me too. It’s impossible not to feel like something is wrong with me or i’m not attractive when i’m constantly rejected sexually by my husband. And then there’s the majority or marriend couples where the hubby always wants sex and the wives never do (wich includes everyone i know), which makes me feel like some kind of sex addict for wantin my husband all the time and leavs me woth no one understanding to talk to. There should be a support group for us to connect so we don’t feel quite as lonely or freakish! It’s not fair to have to feel so lonely as a wife and cry about being rejected all the time and feel so unnatractive, it creates a horrible self-esteem and it’s hard to like yourself. I hate bringing it up in any way to my hubby, especially after having had the same conversation so many times over the past 3 years without much change, because he is such an AMAZING husband in every other way possible and i know he feels bad about this and then i feel like a jerk for making him feel bad. He is an awesome godly man, just graduated college to be a youth pastor, and says pornography isn’t involved. But i know he used to struggle with that shortly before we dated and struggled the first year we dated and he says he may have “shut off” that part of his mind to get away from that so it’s hard to be “turned on” by anything and he thinks that may be a factor but isnt sure, yet he refuses to talk to anyone about it to try and fix it. And he pretty much always “has a headache” or is too tired or just doesnt feel like it. Its so discouraging and hard to keep wanting to try when you know you’ll be rejected. Can we start a support group or something? I would love to connect with other godly wives in the same boat so i’m not drowning on my own. Thank you for addressing this topic! It’s good to know i’m really not the only woman in the world with this struggle!

  65. I tried to start it many times and was turned down all the time. It’s not just guys who get shut down. So now I have a fear to even try. He had a problem with porn in the past. stopped but has issues where now he can’t keep an you know. Anyway I am at the point where a fling might be good. Yet I love my husband. I waited 10 years without having sex before I got married only to be in a marriage with no sex. It is a hard place. I feel ugly Even sent him to the Doctor only for the doctor to say this is normal you are 48 years old your not in your twenties anymore. Still hasn’t got the blood work done that was over a month ago not. So sick of this. I didn’t it God’s way and what do I have to show for it nothing. I am so angry and hurt.

  66. I have been with my husband 13 years married 7 years.
    The first couple of years we would find anywhere to have sex all the time, once buying our first house the sex became less frequent. His hygiene regime isn’t what I would call ‘good’ he literally showers on a Sunday night and that’s it! So if I wanted sex I would tell him he had to have a shower first!
    This isn’t how I hoped this would be again sex becoming less and less I would buy sexy underwear/outfits and then ‘text’ him to say come upstairs. This did take the shine off things.
    When I decided I wanted to start having children I knew with our lack of sex this could take a while but knowing all my dates I was able to work out ovulation patterns and managed To get pregnant on the first try. We didn’t have sex the whole time I was pregnant as he thought it was gross, as I wanted children close together when my little one was 9 months old I said I wanted to try again and as luck would have it I fell pregnant first time! We went through a rough time as I lost my second baby at 20 weeks. A Couple of Months past and I wanted
    To try again, so with the help of ovulation kits we did, it took 2 attempts and I was pregnant again, this time with twins! This was the last time we had sex. My twins are now 2 and a half. It’s been over 3 years since we’ve had sex. I have quizzed him about this and he said it started as An initial fear of me becoming pregnant again which has now just escalated from there. He had a vasectomy after me nagging him in June 14 he was due ‘the check’ in October but he never did it.
    I have been through the upset of him not wanting me and now I’m at the point where I don’t want him. I don’t fancy him anymore and I don’t know if we can regain what we had?
    I have resorted to masturbating but this just leaves me feeling sad and lonely.
    I don’t know what to do, I want to leave him but am torn because I don’t want to hurt him by him not seeing the children everyday.
    Any advice welcome

    • Oh dear, my husband believe it or not now keeps also postponing showers when we are spending time together in the same house. We are separated, but every summer we share a vacation home where my family meet during the weekends, and my daughter visits too. So when we have visitors he shower every day, but as soon as we end up alone, he stop having showers. The shower issue is to avoid sex (he does it deliberately) I noticed this is his new trick during the summer.
      I don’t want him anymore too, but deep inside myself I still have the fantasy of him wanting me…. It is so strange how our mind works (the more rejection, the more we get obsess about it)
      Moreover, I have read in psychology books that the more a woman settles down with this type of guys (avoidant) the more they lose interest in sex with such “familiar” partner. Some men start drastically on day#1 (during the wedding night) as my husband did. He used to have tons of excuses to avoid intimacy… In comparison, other men wait till they buy a conjugal home, or the wife has a baby to stop sexually desiring their spouses. My husband kept escalating more with each important event in our life (new home, daughter moving to college, new job, etc.) However, we need to keep repeating to ourselves that we don’t have anything to do with such abnormal behavior even though they keep putting the blame on us…

  67. My husband simply has no understanding of foreplay. Never has, never will. I keep trying to work with him, keep trying to explain to him, but apparently it’s just too complicated. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of putting out for the wham bam thank you mam just because I’m desperate enough. Each time I feel disappointed and taken advantage of. He’s never even tried to get me to orgasm, it took me years to even realize I was capable! He keeps saying he will change, that “next time” he’ll “get it right”…..well, 22 years later, he still can’t get it right. Sex only happens when HE wants it, how HE wants it. If I’m in the mood and he’s not, then tough luck for me. If he’s in the mood, and I’m not, I’m happy to help him out, and he’s more than happy to let me. If I wanted the same from him, he might be willing, but he ends up turning me off so quickly (too fast, too soon, if I try to slow it down, he’s bored and will just stop…..)
    I’m only 41. I’m not ready to live in a sexless marriage, but what if the other spouse is fine with it? He’s wonderful in every other way, I still love him, still attracted to him (but that is waning as he continues to neglect the marriage bed) I want this to work, but after 22 years of this (yes, this sort of thing has gone on since day 1) I just don’t think I can take it anymore…..

  68. My husband has had a problem for 3 years of not wanting sex. I found porn on his computer back then. I have checked his cell phone only to find numerous porn sites on it everyday. I told him last year that I would go to the doctors with him to discuss his problems. He refused my help. This past spring, he got pills from his doctor for ED but doesn’t keep them in the bedroom like he should so they are easily accessible when he needs them. I found them in his briefcase. There were 5 gone and I know he hasn’t used them with me. He doesn’t show signs of cheating so I’m confused as to where the 5 pills went to unless he took them for his porn watching. He refuses to talk about it. We’ve been married 27 years and have grown children. I’m at my wits end !

    • Hi Mary,

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

      If he is using porn, those little pills won’t really help. The problem is the porn use. It rewires the brain so that what’s arousing is an image, not an actual person. It will kill his libido in marriage, and it won’t get better until he stops the porn.

      I’d recommend reading this post on the top 10 effects of porn on your sex life, and then asking him to read it too. And then have a frank conversation about how porn can’t be a part of your marriage. If there’s also a chance he’s cheating, that’s even more scary. It’s likely linked to the porn use–the desire for risky behaviour with strangers or something. So it needs to be confronted head on. I’m so sorry again. I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn’t. Porn just wrecks marriages.

    • Dear Mary, my husband was doing exactly the same thing, so I did a thorough research about Viagra users to be better informed as I was also terribly confused. I researched many male Viagra forums online where they talk to each other about their Viagra habits, concerns etc…Unfortunately they don’t use it for porno/masturbation. Why? Because they don’t feel pressured to perform when watching porno. In Comparison, men cheaters use Viagra with (real flesh) stranger women (usually night stands).
      I did find out my husband keeps “work” flash drives mixed with pictures of women he has had sexual encounters with. I have asked myself why he keeps such evidence. And I got to the conclusion that keeping such files is part of his narcissistic supply (in order to keep his cheating fantasies alive when he is not travelling) when he cannot cheat, so probably he cheer himself up with those pictures when his only resource will be pornography at home.
      I did also notice because of the pictures dates, that the maximum time he has spent with another woman is 1-4 days in a row. These type of men cannot have a mistress as she will be also demanding sex attention from them on a regular basics, and these men cannot have intimacy in a relationship. They just need to keep acting out their sexual addiction. Yes these insecure men are addicted to sex (they are desperate) because they constantly need to divert their sexual energy out of their marriage. Thus, sometimes it doesn’t even matter how the other woman look like. However, they like to play the romantic role they are not able to do with their wives even if their spouses are more physically attractive. Sadly, I have found bills of hotels room with sea view, boat tours, dinners for two at the hotel site (the hotel room clearly specified room for 2 people, and each bill matched with the dates of such pictures, etc.)
      All his crap has broken my heart, mind, and spirit (my complete self was shattered and still is) However, he has denied everything even the pictures (making up ridiculous stories) He will never accept the truth about himself. And he keeps buying tons of Viagra online, and hiding the pills (inside his shoes, closet cracks, under furniture, etc.) So I can’t keep track of it. But he cannot fool me now. I know all his tricks; including mind tricks which are the most treacherous and toxic ones…
      On the other hand, I am surprised you have been married for 27 years, and your husband just started doing this. This type of behavior is so destructive/toxic, so runaway if you can before he contaminates you. I have put up with such behavior for so long that is why I am telling you to scape on time.
      Now I feel so insecure, all my dreams have gone. I have depression and I am feel so isolated. I don’t know what to do, or where to go even if I haven’t been living with him for almost 4 years… However, I still hasn’t gotten rid of him completely. His dreadful shadow is still around in phone calls, e-mails, during holidays and summer time in a vocational home we share. I ask God to give me strength until my daughter graduates from college to stop dealing with him for good…

  69. I don’t really know what to do with hubs, or what it is that’s going through his head, but it’s gotten to the point where I feel manipulated ALL THE TIME. I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to hurt me, but I think he’s formed some habits that he refuses to break, I guess they do something for him, but they hurt me immensely.
    One example is he’ll give me these long, passionate kisses…..ONLY when he KNOWS there can be no follow through. He’ll do it on his way out the door, or anytime EXCEPT bedtime when I could finally have an opportunity to enjoy it. There have been times when he’ll even kiss me like that as he’s getting in bed, and then he stops. Just stops. It leaves me feeling rejected. When I tell him, he just says “Sorry, I forgot.” Or “I didn’t mean to.” He NEVER kisses me like this when we’re intimate, NEVER. :( We’ve had intimacy issues our entire marriage. 22 years. Losing our oldest son to cancer has really made me not want to waste any more time, and to work at this, but now it seems like it’s too late. He’s not interested in changing anything.

    • Dear Crystal, it is never too late… Someone needs to change, so if he is not interested why don’t you try to change yourself towards his behavior? Don’t follow his game… Just let me tell you that he knows exactly what he is doing by teasing you exactly in the moment when both have no time for sex. He is playing a game to keep you there waiting for more ( a-rabbit-running-after-a-carrot) and that inflates his ego. So, I suggest to stop making him comfortable by being there all the time (enroll in a class on your free time, go to the movies with a friend, or close relative, go to the public library to read your favorite book, join a dancing class) Dedicate time for yourself and what makes you happy instead of dedicating time for him and making him happy and comfortable. Why? because his emotional needs are met by you by having you every day by his side, making him company, accommodating his needs of security by having a wife and a home together. So, trust yourself every time you feel manipulated and don’t respond to such manipulation.

  70. I have been dealing with his lack of intimacy, and lack of sex since the very first day of our wedding. believe it or not, he started giving me ridiculous excuses since then. That was almost 12 years ago. Although I separated him 3 years ago, he wants to have dinner almost every single night with me since I left him;or going to concerts, hiking, anything except sex/intimacy…
    I can’t see the day I finally divorce this narcissist selfish man… since the only role I play in his life is like a trophy wife.
    A man that cannot give and receive love just sucks energy, and he completely drains me no matter how
    “generous”, or “nice” he wants to be with me…. It is impossible for a woman to fix all the issues that this type of men have inside their heads because they simply don’t associate sex with love. Also because they have never had real intimacy in their life starting with their childhood. They don’t know what intimacy is, or how it feels. On the other hand, they know how to self please themselves (sexual gratification). They are so used to one night stands, pornography, etc…that is how they survive!!!!!!! I have invested to much time and energy trying to find a solution, and I have forgotten about me (about my needs and dreams). The price I have been paying since I married such guy is insomnia, anxiety, lack of energy, depression, anger, and lack of self steam…. It is not worthy!!!!!! The key is to find out why we ended up here. Finding out about ourselves and healing. investing time in ourselves instead of them. it is difficult because all of us who are trapped in this type of relationships comes from neglected parents, so we became the fixers at a very early age. we “unconsciously” learnt that our needs were not important that is why we “unconsciously” choose partners that will neglect our most important emotional needs… let’s fix this issue about us to stop such pattern/schema… This should be our priority.

  71. I have been married to my husband for a little over 4yrs and I have been with him for 7yrs total. I was a virgin for 28 years and had sex after we got married. We made love a total of two times on our three week honeymoon but I let it go because he said he was tired from the wedding and later did get sick with a cold. Like many wives above, I too hoped things would get better. I have cried, begged, and pleaded with him to go to counseling and/or Dr. and he has refused. I have begged God to change the situation. I have gone and still go through these emotions these ladies above have are going through (rejection, pain, blaming my self, when we will it get better God etc). After we got married, my husband was in school on a part time basis and worked full time so I hoped during the summer when he was not in school, he would make time for our sex life but things did not get better (made Love once may twice during the summer). In his first year of grad school, we have made love three times this year and none during the summer. He claimed he couldn’t make love to me because he is stressed because of school and that this summer would get better and it hasn’t. We have not had sex this summer. I have come to the conclusion that things will not get better and that I have married a selfish man. Like the articles on this blog, he enjoys the benefits of marriage but doesn’t want to do his part to make this marriage work. To be honest, I don’t think my husband will ever change because he will always say I am at fault because I am nagging, I am SEX obsessed, etc and will not realize the error of his ways (my husband is very stubborn). I have finally realized that he needs to deal with his problem(s) alone and not to blame myself. Even though I LOVE my husband and never thought of leaving him, I know my time is coming to an end in this relationship because this is a SIN. God does not want me to go through this pain and did not design marriage to be this way. I have told my self that I need to make this painful separation from him in December but it not easy because I really do love my husband but I am at the end of my rope. I believe I am in the acceptance phase because I don’t get upset and don’t initiate. I am doing everything I can to keep myself busy (working out, working a lot, volunteering, planning where I am going to stay when I leave, etc) so I don’t put myself in depression or self pity. I feel your pain ladies…stay strong and pour your heart to the Lord. I have realized that everyone has a choice to obey God or to Sin and God is not going to force people to obey God or honor their marriage. It is really sad a lot of people have to learn the hard way and unfortunately, it will be too late to restore their marriage. However, God is a God of restoration. I believe He will restore my Joy and my Happiness if my marriage doesn’t work out-I just have to trust and continue to obey Him. The church needs to address this in pre-marital counseling, marriage sermons, etc. because I really wish we were prepared for this before I got married. Thank you Sheila for all the advice and for writing these articles on this topic. It is nice to feel like you are not alone. God Bless!

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