How Much Do You Want to Talk to Your Mother About Sex?

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One of my greatest fears, when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, was “what am I going to do when the first bad reviews start coming in?”

Well, it’s happened, and it didn’t bother me one bit! Here’s the first 2-star review, in its entirely, from Amazon:

Still 30% off at Amazon!

I really didn’t like this book and didn’t even finish it. I started reading it at the advice of Candace Cameron on twitter because I really like her and trust her but now I really wish I hadn’t. I just found it to be a little too raunchy, explicit, and graphic for me. Way too much info on different sex positions and different ways to reach climax or to help your spouse reach climax. Definitely not a book I would recommend for young virginal girls. Let them talk to their mothers about it rather than reading such explicit stuff from a supposedly Christian book. Although the author did reference a few Scriptures I didn’t find a whole lot to be Godly or biblical about it except for the fact that she does speak very poorly against porn. She talked a lot about people who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, too.

Deciding how graphic to make it was a difficult call. I didn’t want to scare off the virgins, but I also wanted to write something that would actually be helpful. I think I found a good balance, but I’ll have to leave it to readers to decide.

Second, yes, I mention that not everyone waits until marriage. Do you know why I do that? It’s because not everyone waits until marriage.  In the surveys I conducted for my book (which many of you filled out; thank you very much!), I found that only roughly 40% of women who are now Christians were virgins on their wedding night. And I wanted to write the book for ALL good girls: not just those who had made the right choices, but also for those who hadn’t always chosen well, but who now wanted to live their lives according to God’s plan. Isn’t that the message of the gospel?

So this review didn’t bother me a bit.

But it did get me thinking about something. She said that we should ask our mothers for this information, but quite frankly, do you really want to?

That picture at the top of this post is me and my oldest daughter. Rebecca is a lovely girl, and we talk about sex quite a bit. We talk about how it’s good in marriage. We talk about how God made it to be beautiful. We talk about how girls who give themselves away early (and many of her friends have) are opening themselves up for a world of heartache. We talk about what guys think about sex. We talk about how my husband and I really love each other and have fun together.

But while we’ve gone over the basics, we’ve never really gotten into the true mechanics of how to make it feel good. And I certainly have not told her about the details of my sex life with her father.

It seems to be a universal trait that we would all prefer not to picture our parents making love. It just isn’t something we want to think about in detail–though I do think it’s good for your teens to know that you enjoy sex and that you and your husband have fun!

In fact, I’m not even sure I’m going to encourage my girls to read my book when they’re older, because I do have a lot of personal stories in it, and they may prefer not to think of their father and me like that. I’ll let them make that call when they’re engaged. In the meantime, I’m scouting for godly women that I can direct them to so that they can ask real questions. Because even though I am perfectly comfortable talking about it, I think it’s natural for most of us to want to talk to people other than our mothers about the real nitty gritty of how sex works. World Magazine, and several of the other reviews on Amazon, said I was “like a big sister”, and that sounds better to me.

So I’m wondering what you think. Am I wrong? Should we get most of our sex information from our mothers? Even if your mother was willing and open to talk about it, would you want to? What do you think the boundaries between mothers/daughters should be? Let me know in the comments!

Oh, and if you have read the book: pretty, pretty please, can you rate it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble? You don’t have to be a special reviewer to do so. Anybody can rate it! Thank you so much!

UPDATE: Now there’s another bizarre 2-star one from someone who hasn’t even read the book. If you could help me out and rate it and then write a sentence or two, that would be so wonderful, because bookstores use the number of ratings and the reviews to determine whether or not to order the book in. So the more people who rate it, the more chance it has of making it to bookstore shelves! Thank you!

Comments

  1. When I was first married I was somewhat open to talking to my mom about things, but not open enough. There were things that I needed to know that I think maybe my mom didn’t even know. So besides the fact that it can be awkward to talk to your mom, I think due to recent history’s messing up the way sex is viewed, sometimes moms don’t have the answers we need. Your book and many other resources I have found in the last few months have changed my life and my mothers because now 20 years after getting married we talk openly about it with each other :). We even work together on FB in a private group to help other women find and get ahold of resources needed to help other marriages. All because of people like you who are willing to be open, honest, and even graphic with the truth. THANK YOU!

  2. Christie says:

    Although I haven’t read your book yet, I plan to this summer, I follow your blog and thoroughly enjoyed Feb’s 29 days surrounding the subject. Before I finished reading this morning’s post my husband walked by and saw the title and said “That’s an interesting title.” I then went on to talk about mother’s and daughters and what they would be comfortable about. Basically I said almost exactly what you said before I even read it. So although I would like to think that I would answer any questions my daughter will have for me when she is at that age, I wouldn’t think she would want to think about her mama and daddy like that specifically. I know I don’t want to think about stuff like that about my parents. I love my mom and know she could probably be a good resource on this stuff if I needed it, but girlfriends and books like these are what Christian women need. In our church we do engagement counselor, which includes a sex book. There are things in there that are graphic, but I can tell you that they helped my husband and I along the way. I wasn’t a virgin when we got married but he was, and I even learned things from this book that I didn’t know. I hope to learn more from yours when I read it, and I will definitely review it for you when I’m done. Keep on writing your wisdom, I enjoy it everyday! We need more women of faith to speak to these topics and not be afraid. Sex is part of God’s plan in marriage and I wish it was talked about more openly among Christian women. Maybe if it was then the secular culture would listen more.

  3. Sure, it’s fantastic if you could get all that information from your mom. But there was no open communication at any point with my mom about sex at any point growing up, nor now. I didn’t even get the basic logistics from my mom, and the only extra thing I learned when I was about to get married is that she thought lingerie was completely inappropriate in a marriage.

    I appreciate all you’re willing to put out there for those of us who WON’T talk about it with their moms.
    Cherish recently posted…St. Patrick’s Day dinnerMy Profile

  4. I am saddened by her review. it seems she entirely missed the point about the book and sex. would she rather young virginal girls turn to the world for the information? not only that, but ‘guide’ implies directions. frankly, when I was first married and a virgin I wish I had a book like that. perhaps having some knowledge my wedding night would not have been so awful. not everyone has the relationship with their mother that they can go to for information like that. I certainly didn’t. in a world bombarded with porn, it’s nice to see someone take a more biblical approach to sex; to know that it was something god created and not something man created, thereby making it good and not dirty.

  5. oy! i surely would not talk to my mom about sex. for one, we just don’t have the sort of relationship that allows us to be that open with one another. second, and more importantly, she’s not a believer and so while the advice on the technical aspects of sex could be accurate, i know advice on the spiritual and emotional aspects of sex and god’s design for sex in marriage would be WAAAAY off.

    also, having a pre-marriage sex talk and talking to your mom about your current problems in the bedroom are 2 very different things. even if my mom was a believer with a scriptural understanding of intimacy in marriage, i’m not sure i’d want to talk to her about any problems my husband and i are having. i’m not sure it would be appropriate. so while i hope the reviewer got all the sex tips she needed from her mom, i know the majority of us did not and it’s hard to find someone you trust to go to about serious intimacy issues.

    • FringeFiles says:

      Very good points. My mom’s is a believer, but won’t touch the subject of sex with a ten foot pole (and I am not her only daughter). Thankfully, I had a godly girlfriend who got married before I did, so I sought her out as a Big Sister for information. Sadly, I think a lot of Christians are too scared/embarrassed to offer good Biblical advice on sex and would rather push that job off on someone else. I do think parents Moms for the girls, Dads for the guys, should talk to their children about sex and teach them the truth and principles regarding sex and what the Bible says about it. It is a very important area and too many people lay down their God given perogitive to instruct their children rightly on this matter because THEY find it in-convienant or embarrassing, thus setting their children up for hurt and/or failure. However, at the same time, as you said pre-marriage sex talks and sharing personal things/issues from your married-sex-life with your mother is not a good idea in my book. The Bible says to “Leave and cleave.” Inviting Mommy into your bedroom to help get things right doesn’t sound like a good idea. That’s why good resources like this book are so helpful. Mom should be well read and knowledgeable enough and have an open relationship with her daughter so if problems arise she can direct her daughter to godly resources, and not personally interfere in the marriage bed of her daughter and son-in-law. :) My two sense any way!

  6. Honestly, I don’t think there is really anyone in my life who I would feel comfortable with going into detail about positions and what works and what doesn’t, what helps him and her, and what-not. I just think it is too personal a topic (although I will outright tell you that you need to do it with your spouse and do it a lot). I think it is fantastic that you have written a book for those who are interested. My mom and I have a great relationship, about as close as you could get, and we have talked about some things regarding sex, but I would not feel comfortable talking to her about things you go into detail about in your book. It’s nothing against her, it’s just me.
    Megan Elzey recently posted…Garlic and olive butterMy Profile

  7. My mom always encouraged me to talk with her about anything… and we did talk quite a bit, but sex was more of a “just don’t do it” conversation. I definitely didn’t understand the ins and outs. It hasn’t been till more recently (been married nearly 15 years) that I’ve even brought the subject up with her. I explained to her that, until recently, I felt like sex was a dirty thing… something I simply did out of obligation. I was so totally naive. Over the past few months, I’ve learned how beautiful God intended sex to be… and how beautiful it really CAN be!!! Your book, and the posts last month, really helped to enlighten me. My mom and I are talking more now about sex and marriage in general… but I really don’t think I would have felt comfortable talking about these things with her back in my early 20s when I got married.

    I have two daughters and two sons, and while my husband and I intend to discuss sex with them, I don’t know how comfortable they are going to feel about us talking to them about the specifics. I definitely want my girls to read your book when they become engaged. Up till that point, I will let them know that sex is beautiful and amazing, and it is totally part of God’s design, but is something reserved for marriage.

    Oh, and as for the more graphic things… I was glad it was in there! A couple of my friends have glanced through the book recently, and we all agreed that we needed that info… sooo much to learn (though I did make sure my younger children weren’t reading over my shoulder – LOL). :)

    THANK YOU, SHEILA!!!!!!!!!

    • By the way, I found your book to be very biblically based. In “Part 1″ you set the foundation of how God intended sex to be, and you built up from there. Glad you are taking the reader’s comment in stride… we can’t please everyone, right?
      Nicole recently posted…Words vs. ActionsMy Profile

  8. And then there are those who’s mother’s aren’t around any more to talk about sex with. My mom was on her deathbed during my engagement and died 2 weeks after we were married. My sister got married a year and a half later.

    Plus, I think the reviewer got the purpose of the book wrong. I don’t think the book is for a girl heading into her teen years about to be confronted by boys who want just sex from her. Its for married women, or those about to get married. I wouldn’t hand “intended for pleasure” to a “virginal girl” either!
    Rachael recently posted…Pink SlimeMy Profile

    • Rachael, I’m so sorry about your mother! I hope she was able to attend your wedding at least, and I’m glad your husband at least was able to meet her.

  9. Courtney says:

    I haven’t read it yet, but I’m planning to this summer.
    My mom was never open with me about sex when I was younger. In fact, she never even talked to me about it until I was almost 20! I had already been having sex for 2 years… so that was a completely useless conversation.
    I’m definitely not comfortable talking to my mom about it. Though I do know… by accidental discovery… that my parents use “toys.” And, YES, that is way out of my comfort zone of knowing about my parent’s sex life. Personally, I think for most of us, we would prefer that we just acknowledge that our parents have sex, and that’s it. I certainly did NOT want to know that my mom has a vibrator!

  10. Well, in my humble opinion, if you don’t get graphic, you don’t get the point. And the person I owe my sex life pleasure to is my doctor, who had a very frank, graphic talk with me about how my body works and what would feel good during sex. It was one of the most agonizing doctor appointments ever, yet I think fondly of that doctor still, 35 years or so after the appointment. Not everyone is so lucky to have a doctor who tells you up front that sex is going to be uncomfortable for the first little while. And then explained to me the difference between uncomfortable and painful and when to worry.

  11. My mom and I talked about sex some while I was growing up, but while I was engaged to my husband I did look for other resources on sex that could give me more technical advice. I read “Intimate Issues” and a couple other things and I’m so glad I did! Over time my mom and I have talked about sex a little more and it turns out we function very differently from each other physiologically and if my husband and I hadn’t pursued other avenues of information in preparation for marriage, we might not have figured out my specific needs and would have had some pretty serious sexual frustrations early in our marriage. And my mom wouldn’t have had any idea what to do, because all she had was her own experience.
    Christian girls NEED resources like your book. Because where else are we supposed to turn when our mothers don’t know everything?
    Melissa recently posted…Iced Time!!!My Profile

  12. Kelly F.K. says:

    I went and left a review…5 star of course!! I also commented on the most recent 2 star reviewer. She obviously didn’t read the book! I also wonder if she’s related to the initial 2 star reviewer…also named Judy. Coincidence? Hmm…

  13. God made the human body. God made sex, too. God made marriage to contain the awesomeness (not in the modern sense, but in the capital A sense of that word) of sex. Sex is so powerful, so full of God, that it is dangerous when misused–outside of marriage or even within marriage. Of course Christians must discuss it in a Christian manner. Of course the details must also be examined in a wholesome way–which you have managed throughout your blogging and in the excerpts from the book that I have read. There is a truth to the old saying, “the Devil is in the details.” If we Christians do not talk about sex or examine sex in a Christian context, then only the culture will speak about it. The world is so wounded and our culture is so mistaken about sex, we must evangelize in this area. We simply must.
    Christie Martin @ Garden of Holiness recently posted…As I imagine him…My Profile

  14. Just for the record, I would rather die a thousand deaths than talk with my mother about sex. Just saying. :)

  15. I shall have to head over to Amazon and read these “reviews”. I thought the book was great, in fact I was sad that a friend was married 1 week before it was released. I couldn’t convince her to change the wedding date. Just kidding! I don’t remember ever having a sex talk with my Mom. I do remember her saying one time how she thought it would be so amazing to sit down the night before my wedding and tell me all about sex then. How terrifying would that be? My husband doesn’t remember really talking about it with his parents but when we had some problems at the beginning his Mom was the one we talked to. The hubby and I would love to be the ones who tell our kids all about it. But I also want them to have people in their lives who they can go to for the details. They might end up at your house Sheila. :)

  16. Titus 2 shows the need for older women to teach the younger. What are the older women to teach? To “love their husbands” among other things. I’m with you, Sheila, about going to Mom. I already plan to give my children resources such as yours when the time comes (I’m thinking about a week before the wedding to allow time for questions, but I’ll pray about that when the time comes). But talking the nitty gritty can be very uncomfortable for such a close relationship as mother & daughter.

    I haven’t had a chance to read your book, yet, so I don’t know if you mentioned this: in Jewish tradition, men & women came around the betrothed (men to the groom-to-be, women to the bride-to-be) and would teach them how to please their spouses. Our culture doesn’t work like that, and within Western Christendom sex is taboo. Is it any wonder we have so many issues in this area?

    I LOVED the February Countdown, so I can’t wait to read your book. And THANK YOU for writing this book. I’ll leave a review (a great one, I’m sure, to reflect the book).

    • Naomi, so true about Jewish tradition. I think they had an easier time talking about it than we do today! We need to bring that back. I already talk quite openly with the young women I know who are getting married. I just need to find some women to do that with my daughters when the time is right! I think younger aunts can play a big role there. That’s not the same thing as a mom, but it’s still a cherished woman.

  17. I have to say I love the “big sister” that you became in the book. It’s definitely a book I will give to some of the girls I mentor (you know family, but not really) before they get married. I will even give it to my daughter, but a week or so ago, my mom was babysitting and I had left your book out … ok so she flipped through it, no biggie, what was more mortifying was that she then posted after me on one of your facebook posts … then I knew she looked at it … ahhh :) My hubby and I just led an Art of Marriage and we agreed while working on intros that the worst part of talking about sex was in front of our parents and our pastor and his wife :) They are all “parent figures” oh well, we lived (and my mom saw the book after that;) )

    • Too funny! Glad I’m not alone, then, in thinking that talking about some things with your mother is just–well–weird!

  18. To answer the question – I wish we had that kind of relationship where we could talk about it mechanics and all. It obviously made her nervous, because on the night of my wedding she gave me some advice that involved vaseline (which I knew to be incorrect).

    With my daughters we have a different type of relationship and we pretty much talk about everything – we talk about males, relationships, kissing, flirting, drinking…anything – nothing is off limits.

    I guess there’s an audience for your book – but its not for me.
    nylse recently posted…MORE – Sharing My FaithMy Profile

  19. I haven’t read your book yet, but I did rate those 2 star reviews! I think it’s ridiculous that they would review a book they obviously haven’t read. :P

    As far as talking about sex with my mom… She tried. It didn’t go very well, because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. She tried to talk me into going on the Pill, even though DH (then DF) and I had already decided to use FAM. After that, I decided I really didn’t want to hear what she had to say. What little she did manage to “warn me about” never materialized in our marriage anyway. But… the last year or so has been really difficult for DH and I, and because Mom and I were (are?) in counseling for communication issues anyway, I’ve been able to be a little more open with her. She still doesn’t ask for a lot of details about my condition, but now I feel like I can do things like say “my gynecologist” instead of “my doctor”, and it’s not completely awkward. Just kinda awkward, which is an improvement.

  20. Growing up as a PK (preacher’s kid), there was a tremendous pressure to be the “good girl”. My parents did not talk about sex other than to say it’s “bad” and “don’t do it” if you are not married….

    I was a little bit rebellious as a teen, and had sex with my husband before we got married (I was 19, he was 27, when we married). I have struggled with the guilt for 10 years, because I was a “bad girl”. (My husband and I thankfully stopped having sex when we got engaged, determined to re-commit ourselves to purity before our marriage. It was the best thing we did for each other.)

    My parents gave me a book about sex the week before I married and said “this should explain things for you”. That was it. That thing was about as entertaining as copying the dictionary! It took all of the emotion out of sex, and it was a Christian book!

    I really wish they had been able to be more open and honest with me about sex, and sex before marriage, because I don’t think I would have struggled with making a decision to have sex or not. When you have been told your whole life that something is “bad”, and you have been a “bad girl”, it is hard to change that notion to “good” immediately after marriage.

    I have to say, until I started reading your blog, I still struggled with thinking sex was “bad”.
    During your “29 days” posts, I was eagerly soaking up every word. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your posts. I have truly been healed.

    Our marriage has been great over the past couple of years, but when I started reading your blog, it really has changed our marriage for the better. And, my husband is grateful too! ;)

  21. “The Talk” should come from our parents, but the nitty gritty details of how to make it feel good? Well, that’s a bit awkward, especially if your mother DID wait to get married, then that would mean you KNOW she is talking about your dad. I wouldn’t hand my daughter your book and tell her to read it so she could learn about sex(the basics, I mean). In fact, *I* wouldn’t give it to her as an engagement gift(I’d put my sister up to it LOL) because when it comes to those really intimate details, I think even in the most open-minded families, talk about different positions, etc. would make most people uncomfortable. I mean, if my daughter WANTED to talk to me about that stuff, I would, but I just doubt she would. I have all sorts of information for her already that most people might not talk about LOL.

  22. This book isn’t for the good girl who isn’t ready for sex.
    I’m not sure what made the reviewer think it was, since I don’t think there is anything misleading about the presentation. I think the book is great, but I have some sympathy for the poor reviewer. I was her at one point. I lived a life of strong Christian chastity and waited until marriage for sex. If she picked up this book thinking is was simply about healthy sexuality and she has no immediate need for the mechanics, I understand her frustration. It sounds like she wanted biblical formation that a virgin with a pure mind could benefit from and that isn’t the focus of the book. If you do not have a specific partner with whom you will be making love, it can be inappropriate, and even dangerous, to spend time thinking about the details. When God has put the right person in your life and you are building a relationship to last, all that changes. After years of being very careful, I wanted a book just like this as I approached my wedding day. I fully embraced God’s plan for sex and was ready for a detailed road map. My mother wasn’t an option. As for the reviewer, my guess is that someday she is going to realize that she needs a little more information that her mother can provide and she may come back to pick up this book. If she really had that kind of relationship with her mother, why read this book anyway?
    As a big sister, I plan on buying copies of this book for each of my little sisters when they get married. I also hope that I will be able to talk openly to my daughter about these things when the time comes and already spend time praying about that, even though she is only 1 :) Perhaps if we carefully raise our daughter with a Godly understanding of sex, we will build a culture that allows more open conversation. If we don’t quite reach that full freedom, maybe our daughters will…

  23. I could not talk to my mom about sex… at all! Even now…no way! She didn’t marry my father out of love. She married him because she “had to”. Which is funny that she hated sex and intimacy so much. Actually, she didn’t love him, so I am sure that is why the thought of sex made her cringe so much.

    I on the other hand changed that with my children. My husband talked with my son in DETAIL about sex and pleasing his wife. As he was packing for his honeymoon hubby asked son, “Any last questions?” My son still had some. He actually kept his bride waiting for about 15 min or so while he talked with his father. lol They couldn’t connect that night or even on their honeymoon at all. He came to us and talked to us about it.

    My point is, I am so thankful that my son felt comfortable enough to come to us to help him. I don’t know if my daughter-in-law feels that way with her parents, but I made sure they knew we were always available… not matter what the topic!!

  24. Emily Carter says:

    Hey I just want to share…. I want to encourage every woman to read this book with an open mind? I am just starting on chapter 2, I have been set free of so many thoughts that are not of God. My marriage is growing and I feel a closeness to my husband that I have not felt before. I have enjoyed reading this book and enjoyed putting God’s truth into my marriage. I can say that I truly have found great peace and amazing satisfaction with applying the truth of God’s design for my marriage. Thank you so much Shelia for your hard work and openness!!!! Great job!
    Our church has done a few marriage messages and our small group has been working on our marriages by following a marriage curicullum!! This is just a great way to continue to better my marriage! Praise God!!

  25. I have three daughters and four sons. And you bet I’m talking to them about sex the time they start to reach puberty. I get a lot of giggles when I even mention the word sex, but I want them to protect their hearts, protect the hearts of their future spouses, and honor God. I will buy this book for all of them when they are engaged. I don’t want them to find out about great sex when they’re 33 and have been married for a number of years. I hope that they will want to talk to mom about sex before they talk to friends. I’d rather God be their source of information, not the world.

  26. Posted a review on Amazon. I’m not quite finished yet and plan to do a full review on my blog when through.

    The truth is that most of our mothers DIDN”T tell us this stuff. I’ve always maintained an open door with my girls. Sure, there are details that they will never know and don’t want to. BUT, they know they can come to me with ANY question. Now I’ll have a book that sums this topic up beautifully.

    I appreciate your approach to cover every single detail of this topic for women who truly need to know and prepare for marriage as well as the stuff no one else will tell us. Well, unless we want to step outside of the Godly realm and reach into the world of explicit advice that indeed IS raunchy. It’s all in the context. That simple. You can explain the same act and make it sound quite sleazy. You, on the other hand have explained these things tactfully.

    Keep on keeping on. Do we now seek to please God or man?
    Rena Gunther recently posted…Courting CourtneyMy Profile

  27. I try to be as open & honest with our girls as I can be on subjects such as sex when questions do arise. Of course I do it in a tasteful manner being careful not to invite thoughts or desires inappropriate to their ages yet our seventeen-year-old & I do have some very up-front conversations which I love! I’m thankful for books & resources that help to guide not only myself, but in the future, them as well. I will say that if either of our girls would come to me with questions, the last thing I would do is hand them a book or refer them to someone else for direction & insight. I would feel as though they were bold enough to approach/ask therefore I would believe that God would direct the answer He would have me to give. I want to invest in them in this way! Like many others that commented, sex was somewhat of an “unmentionable or dirty thing” therefore I didn’t discuss it much with my mom even though she & I were very close. As well, I would never give direct insight regarding the intimate relationship between their dad & I even though they are very well aware of the love we have for one another. (Our seventeen-year-old often jokingly reminds us that ours is a “G-rated’ home & she would like it to stay that way!) At the same time she is grateful for the love her dad & I have for one another contrary to many other kids her age!

    I will definitely buy this book for our girls when engagement time comes for each of them & I will encourage them to seek out Godly encouragement with any questions they may have whether it be from me or another woman/friend/sister who fears God’s design for sex & marriage.

    So in short, if either of them came to me with questions, we would grab a good cup of coffee & share heart-to-heart! <3 God put me here to nurture them, teach them & train them in the easy seasons of life as well as the seasons a little more fragile. It's my honor & I take it very seriously!
    Mendi recently posted…Bitter-Sweet…My Profile

    • Yes, I think I agree, Mendi. If my girls asked, I would definitely tell them, because it doesn’t bother me to talk about it. But I’m not sure that most kids want totally detailed stuff from their moms. But I will leave it up to them! That’s so great that you have that kind of a relationship with your girls!

      • I agree! I am thankful for the relationship I have with our girls! It’s a tremendous blessing for sure & I certainly cherish it for it may not always be this way! By the way, I love the picture of you & Rebecca! :)

        Thanks so much for your honest, tasteful & up-front approach to what most people deem as sensitive subjects! I greatly appreciate you!
        Mendi recently posted…Bitter-Sweet…My Profile

  28. Berjiboo says:

    I just finished reading the book over the weekend. I wish I had this 10 yrs ago when I was getting married. My mom was so embarrassed to talk about menstruation with me, there is no way I would talk to her about sex. (Also, like someone mentioned above, you’re -generally- not just talking about you, you’re bringing your husband into the conversation and that affects their view of their new son-in-law.) I knew sex was not OK before marriage- and after it was okay, but I didn’t really know what all was acceptable. My husband and I had fun , but there was always a little doubt about as to whether or not this was not really ok. It took a lot of prayer and pondering, and reading blogs like yours to really help form a more healthy and Godly view of sex in marriage.
    And I’m giving your book to a new bride this weekend!

  29. I bought the book, but haven’t read it yet. The bad review makes me want to move it up in my “to be read” pile!

    If I flip this around and think of my husband asking my father-in-law for details about having sex with me I just SHUDDER!!! EWWWWW I do not want my father-in-law to have the details of our sex life and if my mom were still alive I am quite sure my hubs wouldn’t want her knowing the details either.

    I love your blog by the way!!!
    Johnlyn recently posted…Budget Breakdown by DinnerMy Profile

  30. I agree with your assessment of talking to mothers. I think it’s healthy to talk to our mothers to a certain extent about sex, but I think it’s natural and okay to leave the mystery in our parents sex lives. That’s just weird. I think we need to talk to our daughters/mothers about sex enough that girls get more information from their mothers than their peer groups, but it’s okay to not go into all the nitty gritty. Honestly, my mom and I didn’t talk much about it at all. I learned a lot from books I read in high school and college. I wish that part of our relationship had been stronger, but my mother was coming into our conversations without any modeling on her part. Her mother didn’t tell her a thing! Not even about her period! So, she had really come along way to even broach the subject with me. I hope I can take it a step farther if I have a daughter one day (only a son so far).

    I also think that the critique you received was obviously from someone who struggles to see sex as a God-given blessing that is allowed to be enjoyed. She wasn’t open-minded to the fact that sex is good and enjoying it is good. My husband and I have used books similar to yours as great resources in our early marriage to help us claim joy and fun in our new sex life-let’s face it-it’s weird and awkward at first. Having individuals like you to step out there and talk openly, freely, and truthfully about sex is what helped us quickly get rid of the weirdness and awkwardness.

    Thank you so much for what you have done! I am looking forward to getting your book!

  31. You know, the whole thing about how SO MANY people won’t wait until they get married is why sex education is so incredibly important. This is slightly off topic, I suppose, but I have never understood the abstinence-only education, when statistics show that’s simply not realistic. Would it be great if everyone waited? Sure, but people come from all different backgrounds, all different belief systems, and all different experiences, and to keep important information such as how to protect yourself against irresponsible pregnancies and STDs a secret because everyone SHOULD wait is a really horrible idea, because most people WON’T wait. Not to mention, being ignorant of birth control options seriously increases the number of irresponsible pregnancies, which seriously increases the number of abortions – isn’t that the opposite of what we want???

    Anyway, as for talking about sex with my mom, she gave me “the talk” when I was a kid, but I was so embarrassed that I don’t remember what she said. When my husband and I started having sex (before we were married…..), many things were a huge surprise to me! I didn’t know how I expected things were supposed to work, but the thoughts going through my head the first time were extremely hilarious! After that I did a bunch of research and figured out how to do stuff, but that very first time I really didn’t know what to expect! After my sex life started, though, I did talk to my mom a bit – for example, one weekend we had sex nine times and I felt like I had a horrible UTI the next day – she told me it probably wasn’t a UTI, just irritation, and to drink a lot of cranberry juice and water. It worked, and after that I was a regular cranberry juice drinker! We used to go to WalMart in the middle of the night to pick up that necessary item. lol.

    Speaking of the bunches of research I’ve done over the years – that’s another reason I think your book is such a wonderful thing. The only places I knew to go for very detailed information (because I wanted particulars and tips and descriptive details to actually help me, not just euphemisms and hints) as a late teen and young adult were secular websites that focused on sex as a purely physical thing, and I think it gave me the wrong idea about how to approach it in a marriage. I wish I had your book back then.
    Jen recently posted…when it’s time to let goMy Profile

    • I should say, in a way I don’t regret having sex with my husband before we were married because we did get married, but at the same time I think having more knowledge about true intimacy, knowing the real reason that sex is such a beautiful expression of love, being aware of how much more than the physical sex is – knowing that beforehand would have made our intimate life a lot better going into marriage. So in a way I do regret it….but I think mostly I regret not understanding why God created sex before our sex life began. (I guess the two go hand-in-hand.) We were too young and naive when it came to love and intimacy. Again, I wish I had this book back then.
      Jen recently posted…There is nothing that we can’t do in the hands of the Almighty. Let Him carry you.My Profile

  32. I’ve never had a conversation with my mom about sex that I can remember. I’m pretty sure I heard the “birds and the bees” elsewhere. I’m not sure I’d ever feel comfortable chatting about sex with her since she’s divorced. It’s not that my mother doesn’t have a lot of good insight on things, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable asking her about much of anything and especially discussing things now that I’m married and she’s not.

    So what do the ladies who have divorced mothers or whose mothers aren’t in their lives do? I’m not sure. I picked up a lot from friends, from boyfriends, a little from my grandmother (basically, don’t have sex before marriage), from experience now that I’m married, and from reading books and blogs written by Christian and nonChristian women alike. Not everything I’ve heard is beneficial, but not everything I’ve read is unhelpful either. I haven’t read your book, but I’m glad you were bold enough to take a stand and write something people may not agree with. It’s time to stop being complacent in the Body of Believers and for older women to encourage/teach/guide the younger, and not necessarily in the mother-daughter fashion.
    Hannah Williams recently posted…I’ve Got Joy Down in My HeartMy Profile

  33. Sure, mother’s should probably teach their daughters about sex.

    But no daughter wants to ask her mother questions about sex.

    No mother wants to answer those questions either.

    So what should we do?

    Since God created sex, the church should be teaching about it. Unfortunately, the church is largely responsible for creating the shamefulness associated with sex, even between married couples. Removing this shamefulness is what needs to be done.

    Unfortunately, the world since the time of Noah has made this beautiful thing “dirty”. Changing that may take a while.

    The churches need to find a way to teach the body (as in church body ;) ) that sex is meant to be fun and pleasurable between a husband and wife.

    Now, I don’t think the church needs to teach about sex positions. Ideally, couples – who have removed the shamefulness – should be able to learn these together on their own, no book required (no offense, Sheila ;) ). And that’s the best way to do it in my opinion ;)

    But until the day comes when there is no shame between husband and wife, a book like this could be just the ticket. I haven’t read it, but I’ve been reading this blog for some time and followed along with the 29 days thing – well, I read it, I didn’t participate – and if the book is anything like the blog, I’m sure it’s tastefully written and an example of Godly wisdom.

    • I think it’s nice to have a little godly help and advice, even a few tips and tricks – maybe help that doesn’t come from the Kama Sutra, with the weird toe pictures, or from secular websites that don’t say anything about what true intimacy is, what making love really means.
      Jen recently posted…when it’s time to let goMy Profile

    • Thanks, Sharon! And honestly, most of the book is not about positions :). I think just a few pages are. But that seems to be what she fixated on. :)

  34. The last “talk direct” I had with my mom was when I began my menses at 13.

    She told me “you cannot play with boys, you hear”.

    Many of my playmates in the vast African fields were boys but i think I understood what “play with boys” meant. Then she directed me to my sister who was one year older, incase I had any more questions.

    When I was getting married, my mentor mama talked to me about things and now almost 4 years in marriage, she’s my go-to person.

    My mom is great but when it comes to some areas in marriage, its just easier to talk to someone else.
    Ngina Otiende recently posted…Why Speaking My Love Language Is A Race To The BottomMy Profile

  35. Although both my husband and I can talk to our soon to be wed daughter about anything, like you, we are not specific in sharing our OWN stories. I’m pretty sure that might scar the girl. ;) We have no trouble talking about ‘it’ in general though. Should girls get this info from their mothers and their mothers only??? I don’t think so. The young lady I bought book #1 for is getting married this Sunday. Her mother doesn’t talk about ANY of this with her. The one Godly young wife/mother that this young lady and my daughter is close to has been off the mark – she advised both girls to just go on the pill and has since apologized to them because she didn’t know what all that entailed. She was just going on advice given to her by her mother and not so Godly sister. Her other remarks are that ‘sex is just a guy thing’. I plan to have a talk with her. I am sad that she feels this way. She has said that she will never say NO to her husband but then her other comment is not what she should be conveying to these young girls who are about to be wed.
    BTW- your book covers issues that I probably would not be so comfortable mentioning to my daughter and once she reads them if she wants to discuss it then fine.

    • CJ, that pretty much sums up my view, too. And I’m also on the lookout for other young women to mentor and talk to, too!

  36. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn about sex from my mom except that kissing leads to it. As a young girl I was terrified that if I kissed someone I’d get pregnant…….true story :(

  37. On the married area of a Christian site I visited for a short time, I asked if anyone had read the book and some of the replies I received were astonishing.

    For example, “Good girls aren’t allowed to enjoy sex. ” and

    “My bond with my husband is – sadly – not built on sex much. Or maybe it was built on sex, but then he stopped wanting sex, and please don’t make this the subject of your thread because I really don’t want to discuss it. However, I do enjoy sex – when I get it, and although I always thought I was a “bad girl” I know that through Christ’s redeeming blood, I am actually a “good girl”. from the person who saw one of your Vlogs and described you as “that pointy fingered woman”

    But then this is a site where one woman defends as consistent with being Christian publicly calling her husband “butt head”.

  38. Hi Sheila ~ Cherl that posted, I am her Mom, Cindy :)
    It took a long time to get here, but yes ~ we talk about sex. Out of 3 daughters, 2 are comfortable talking sex with me.
    We have a private facebook group called Song Of Solomon Women (should have been Wives, but oh well) that we use some of your resources and some from others to reach out to other wives and about to be wives. This is a subject that has been taboo way to long.
    I thank God and people like yourself for helping us all to get started sharing and helping us grow in our marraiges in a needed and Godly way.
    THANKS for being here and being so open!

  39. Just wanted to add ~ Hubby and I have been married over 41 years now, our daughters are 40,37,34. They are married with families of their own. I count it a honor for them as adult women to be able to talk sex with me.

  40. I think you covered the topic of talking with your mother about sex rather well, so I’m going to address another issue. I’m one of the 60%. My entire ministry of blogging about God’s design for sexuality from a biblical and practical viewpoint comes from my having done it all wrong in the past! As God is given to do, He redeemed me from my sins, showed me a far better way, and then put it square on my shoulders to share what I had learned. Yes, I am saying to women, “Don’t do what I did!” But I am also saying, “Do what I’m doing now because it’s way more in line with GOD and so much better for you and your marriage.”

    I honestly believe we need both perspectives speaking out about godly marital intimacy — those who did it right and can speak to the beauty of that, and those who did it wrong and can address the heartache and healing from that.
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Part DeuxMy Profile

    • Absolutely, J! And I think to ignore people like you is hurtful and counterproductive. Hurtful because it prolongs shame, and counterproductive because we lose the wisdom that you’ve learned.

  41. Umm, no I wouldn’t want to talk to my mom about sex. All I was told prior to marriage was that sex was going to be something he wanted all the time, I was not to ever give any excuse for not having sex, never say no, that I would not enjoy it but it was my duty and if I’d do my duty he might eventually figure out how to make it somewhat enjoyable for me. So…Great way to start a marriage no? Espcially since I’d been molested as a child. Anyway. I have read book about sex but other than to make me long for what I don’t have- affection, tenderness, caring – making love, not just sex- and then get to feeling resentful b/c my husband has no interest in what he terms “mushy, touchy feely stuff” like kissing, holding hands, hugging, backrubs, any touching of each other, these books have done nothing for me. I haven’t read your book so I can’t say anything about it….just that no, I don’t think I’ll be asking my mom about sex.

    • Amethyst, I’m sorry that you feel like your husband isn’t affectionate or attentive to your needs at all. I know that’s really tough. I do talk in my book about ways that we can feel closer, and how to deal with a situation like this. But do you think he may be interested in working through the 29 Days to Great Sex together? I had a number of exercises in there that would increase that kind of intimacy, and he’d probably find he enjoyed them (and you would, too).

      • Amethyst, Since I don’t know you, I can’t say anything personal about “why” your relationship is the way it is. But it made me think of how ours used to be.
        I came into our marraige with a very strong will and just as strong of an attitude. I knew what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I expexted my husband to give it to me. I was a very bossy sort! I could not figure out “why” my husband did not want sex, did not give affection or any thing else romantic. Once I realized what I was doing, the attitude of “self” that I had, and that I was the one that needed to change ~ my marraige was on the mend!
        I thank God that I finally have found my place in life that God has for me as a submissive loving wife. Now ~ I have a very romantic, helpfull, loving husband that is no longer worried about me browbeating him.
        Praying for you, that things change for the both of you in your marraige.

  42. As long as you take shots from both sides (too explicit, to dry, not Biblical, won’t shut up about the Bible) it’s all good! You can’t please everyone, and trying will make you crazy.
    Paul Byerly recently posted…Tip me over – Better sex in 2012My Profile

  43. I had a dysfunctional relationship with my mother – well, with both my parents – so I couldn’t talk to her about anything related to sex. However, the Lord has been very gracious to break the chains of generational dysfunction in my life now as a mom, and, yes, I really do hope my girls – now just nine and 10 – come to me to talk about anything sexually. I am open to talking about anything to help them. I pray I provide an atmosphere that makes them comfortable trusting me before some outside source.
    Tina H. recently posted…Discipleship Deliberation: February, 2012My Profile

  44. Melissa says:

    I definitely do not have that kind of relationship with my mom where I could talk about these things. Instead, I turned to my good trusted Christian friends who had already gotten married before I had. But I would have no idea what to do if those friends of mine hand’t already gotten married.

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