How much do you want to talk to your mother about sex?
It’s one thing to LEARN about sex from your mother–I hope all of us have mothers who will be brave enough to talk to their teenagers about sex and to tell their children how sex works.
But it’s another thing entirely, when you’re getting ready to be married, to talk about all of the actual details about sex with your mom. For most of us, that would make us feel really awkward.
Learning about what sex is: Absolutely. We should learn that from our moms (and for all of you who are moms–talk to your kids about healthy sexuality!). But learning about details, like “what should you do to make it feel good” or “how an orgasm works and how to get there”–that’s something different, isn’t it?
Let me tell you a story about where I’m going with this.
One of my greatest fears, when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, was “what am I going to do when the first bad reviews start coming in?”
Well, it’s happened, and it didn’t bother me one bit! Here’s the first 2-star review, in its entirely, from Amazon:
I really didn’t like this book and didn’t even finish it. I started reading it at the advice of Candace Cameron on twitter because I really like her and trust her but now I really wish I hadn’t. I just found it to be a little too raunchy, explicit, and graphic for me. Way too much info on different sex positions and different ways to reach climax or to help your spouse reach climax. Definitely not a book I would recommend for young virginal girls. Let them talk to their mothers about it rather than reading such explicit stuff from a supposedly Christian book. Although the author did reference a few Scriptures I didn’t find a whole lot to be Godly or biblical about it except for the fact that she does speak very poorly against porn. She talked a lot about people who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, too.
Deciding how graphic to make it was a difficult call. I didn’t want to scare off any shy virgins, but I also wanted to write something that would actually be helpful. I think I found a good balance, but I’ll have to leave it to readers to decide.
Second, yes, I mention that not everyone waits until marriage. Do you know why I do that? It’s because not everyone waits until marriage. In the surveys I conducted for my book (which many of you filled out; thank you very much!), I found that only roughly 40% of women who are now Christians were virgins on their wedding night. And I wanted to write the book for ALL good girls: not just those who had made the right choices, but also for those who hadn’t always chosen well, but who now wanted to live their lives according to God’s plan. Isn’t that the message of the gospel?
So this review didn’t bother me a bit.
But it did get me thinking about something.
She said that we should ask our mothers for this information, but quite frankly, do you really want to?
Here’s a picture of me and my daughter Rebecca.
Rebecca is a lovely girl, and we talk about sex quite a bit. We talk about how it’s good in marriage. We talk about how God made it to be beautiful. We talk about how girls who give themselves away early (and many of her friends have) are opening themselves up for a world of heartache. We talk about what guys think about sex. We talk about how my husband and I really love each other and have fun together.
But while we’ve gone over the basics, we’ve never really gotten into the true mechanics of how to make it feel good. And I certainly have not told her about the details of my sex life with her father.
It seems to be a universal trait that we would all prefer not to picture our parents making love.
It just isn’t something we want to think about in detail–though I do think it’s good for your teens to know that you enjoy sex and that you and your husband have fun!
In fact, I’m not even sure I’m going to encourage my girls to read my book when they’re older, because I do have a lot of personal stories in it, and they may prefer not to think of their father and me like that. I’ll let them make that call when they’re engaged. In the meantime, I’m scouting for godly women that I can direct them to so that they can ask real questions.
Even though I am perfectly comfortable talking about it, I think it’s natural for most of us to want to talk to people other than our mothers about the real nitty gritty of how sex works.
World Magazine, and several of the other reviews on Amazon, said I was “like a big sister”, and that sounds better to me.
So I’m wondering what you think. Am I wrong? Should we get most of our sex information from our mothers? Even if your mother was willing and open to talk about it, would you want to? What do you think the boundaries between mothers/daughters should be? Let me know in the comments!
UPDATE: Well, it’s four years after I wrote this post initially, and Rebecca is now married! And guess what? She read the book. And she said, “It was a great book, Mom. I’m so glad you wrote it, because it means that now we never have to talk about it.” Too funny!