Ever worry that you’re no longer attracted to your husband? Get ready for a great pep talk today!
We’re in the middle of the 29 Days to Great Sex! We started by challenging us to think differently about sex–and see it as a very positive thing. For the last few days we’ve been looking at how to play, how to flirt, and how to get in the right mindset for sex.
But what do you do if you just don’t find your husband attractive anymore? Maybe he was when you married him, but the years have taken their toll. And it’s hard to look at him and say, “hubba hubba!”
I asked Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage about how to keep a positive outlook on your husband’s body.
I remember back in high school when my hubby and I were good friends . . . and I thought he was so handsome! I still remember the exact shirt he was wearing on our first date. We happen to still have it in our closet. Don’t worry, ladies, it is officially “retired” and we only keep for nostalgic purposes, although someday when our kids are older we may just have to get out those first date outfits for some laughs–if we can still fit into them! Remember those days, when a simple glance at your (now) husband would get your heart beating fast and, well, get your engine running?
Then you get married, the years go by and you find yourself glancing at your hubby and thinking, “It’s just not the same as it used to be”. To be honest, these differences become very apparent during sex. We are baring it all! In those times when we used to be so attracted by our amazing hubby’s body, sculpted like Michelangelo’s “David”, we now find ourselves distracted by how the sculpture has changed. The distraction leads us to wonder, “Am I still attracted to my hubby? I used to look at him and melt! I used to catch a glimpse of him and be so hot and on fire for him. Where did that go?”
Our guys age over time. They get comfy in this journey called marriage and they change. A little soft around the middle, less hair in some places, and more in others. Even if they stay as fit as when we first met, time has a way of changing them. Seeing these changes in your hubby is a normal part of marriage and life.
How we feel about the changes, though, greatly affects our marriage. Do we see them as the continued work of an amazing God crafting a masterpiece that is yet to be completed? Or do we see them as a masterpiece being altered?
Would I love for him to stay the same hunk I married many years ago? While part of me says yes, the other part of me (that wins out every time) says that he has matured and is so much more the man God wants him to be then he was back in the beginning. Although I see the changes in my hubby, I am with him every day and the changes are less drastic to me. They are gradual and stunningly handsome in my eyes. I have the honor of seeing him change and grow. I see how much he has grown in his faith, in his love of the Word, and in his desire to serve and care for me and our children. His physical features have changed, but so has the rest of him. The piece of art God is creating in him is truly amazing.
My reactions to him have changed over the years as well. It is not always a hot and instant passion, but more of a low eternal flame that is always burning and just needs a little encouragement to turn into the hot, intense heat of passion.
The other thing we need to remember is that we have changed over the years too! I am not the spring chicken I once was. My hubby and I have two biological children and one adopted. Our kids are so awesome and we love them to pieces, but carrying and delivering two of them has changed my body forever. I am a tad bit envious of the ladies who after giving birth look exactly the same as before the pregnancy. Well, ladies, that is not me by any means. One natural birth , one c-section, and all the stretch marks. Yet my hubby tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how he loves my body. He sees me as the beauty that I am today.
We wives can “look again for the first time” at our husbands. We can embrace who they are now and the sexy masterpiece they have become. Need a few ideas?
Spend some time re-exploring your husband’s body.
Give him a long sensual massage, spending time getting to know each area of him. Not to see how it may have changed but to embrace, love and admire who he is. Observe and enjoy his body with your hands and other senses. I would suggest doing this often, so that the differences become blurry and eventually all you can see is the sexy man in front of you.
Our guys need to hear how sexy they are just as much as we want/need to hear how beautiful we are! What do you admire most about your hubby’s body? If you are still unsure, explore more! There are parts of my hubby I have always loved and I share that with him. There are parts I have come to enjoy greatly as a more mature wife. Tell your husband how much you appreciate these areas of his body or just show him. ?
Roll it all together
When we have times where marriage, sex and our hubby’s body just don’t seem the same as they used to be; remind yourself to think of ALL the ways you hubby has changed and matured. Touch him often, give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Being loved and embraced for who we are is such a vital part of a one flesh journey in marriage. Being loved even with our faults, to be totally known by our spouse-that is the kind of connection I believe God wants us to focus on.
As his wife, his body is yours. (1 Corinthians 7:4). His body is a precious gift to be given to you! If you find yourself contemplating the changes and your attraction to your hubby, pray that God will help you to re-discover your hubby’s body and cherish it even more then when you were first married. It is my hope that all of you will keep connecting or re-connect with your sexy husband who still fans that slow, eternal flame within you. Make a point to share how much you love your husband’s body today!
I love what she said about how it’s not just his body that changes; he changes, too. Let’s appreciate him for those changes! After all, sex is more than physical; it also unites us emotionally and spiritually, too. Let’s concentrate on that amazing connection, and maybe the fact that he’s gained some weight won’t matter so much.
But a few days ago a commenter did mention that sex was really a challenge because her husband was heavy, and she didn’t like feeling like she was suffocating. Very good point.
So if your husband is heavy, try being on top.
That gives you more control, too, so you can line up the position better and hopefully find it more pleasurable (more on that later this month). That likely will be more comfortable.
Remember, too, that even in marriages where the husband keeps a rock solid body, that infatuation feeling does fade. We won’t always feel weak-kneed at our husbands. So what becomes attractive and sexy doesn’t need to be six pack abs; it could simply be that you know he loves you and protects you, and that he spends time figuring out how to make you feel good. A lover who is interested in making you feel pleasure is much better than one who may look awesome but who doesn’t learn how your body works.
So spend some time tracing his body, but encourage him to trace yours, too. Let him figure out how you work (and maybe you need to figure that out yourself). Because if he can learn to play you like a violin, then his extra weight won’t be such a big deal!
Great Sex Challenge 11: Share with your husband what you find sexy about him. Earlier this month you had to name five things you loved about your own body; now name 5 sexy things about your hubby. They don’t all need to be physical (I find my husband’s job kinda sexy, and I find his voice sexy), but come up with five things–and some should be physical! Share them your hubby, and then explore his body and make him believe it!
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:How to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 12: If You’re Having a Hard Time with These Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!
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