29 Days to Great Sex Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body

Worry that you're no longer attracted to your husband? Here's how to appreciate his body once again! #marriage

Ever worry that you’re no longer attracted to your husband? Get ready for a great pep talk today!

We’re in the middle of the 29 Days to Great Sex! We started by challenging us to think differently about sex–and see it as a very positive thing. For the last few days we’ve been looking at how to play, how to flirt, and how to get in the right mindset for sex.

But what do you do if you just don’t find your husband attractive anymore? Maybe he was when you married him, but the years have taken their toll. And it’s hard to look at him and say, “hubba hubba!”

'Homer' photo (c) 2007, Stefan Ledwina - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

I asked Kate Aldrich from One Flesh Marriage about how to keep a positive outlook on your husband’s body.

Here’s Kate:

I remember back in high school when my hubby and I were good friends . . . and I thought he was so handsome! I still remember the exact shirt he was wearing on our first date. We happen to still have it in our closet. Don’t worry, ladies, it is officially “retired” and we only keep for nostalgic purposes, although someday when our kids are older we may just have to get out those first date outfits for some laughs–if we can still fit into them! Remember those days, when a simple glance at your (now) husband would get your heart beating fast and, well, get your engine running?

Then you get married, the years go by and you find yourself glancing at your hubby and thinking, “It’s just not the same as it used to be”. To be honest, these differences become very apparent during sex. We are baring it all! In those times when we used to be so attracted by our amazing hubby’s body, sculpted like Michelangelo’s “David”, we now find ourselves distracted by how the sculpture has changed. The distraction leads us to wonder, “Am I still attracted to my hubby? I used to look at him and melt! I used to catch a glimpse of him and be so hot and on fire for him. Where did that go?”

Our guys age over time. They get comfy in this journey called marriage and they change. A little soft around the middle, less hair in some places, and more in others. Even if they stay as fit as when we first met, time has a way of changing them. Seeing these changes in your hubby is a normal part of marriage and life.

How we feel about the changes, though, greatly affects our marriage. Do we see them as the continued work of an amazing God crafting a masterpiece that is yet to be completed? Or do we see them as a masterpiece being altered?

Would I love for him to stay the same hunk I married many years ago? While part of me says yes, the other part of me (that wins out every time) says that he has matured and is so much more the man God wants him to be then he was back in the beginning. Although I see the changes in my hubby, I am with him every day and the changes are less drastic to me. They are gradual and stunningly handsome in my eyes. I have the honor of seeing him change and grow. I see how much he has grown in his faith, in his love of the Word, and in his desire to serve and care for me and our children. His physical features have changed, but so has the rest of him. The piece of art God is creating in him is truly amazing.

My reactions to him have changed over the years as well. It is not always a hot and instant passion, but more of a low eternal flame that is always burning and just needs a little encouragement to turn into the hot, intense heat of passion.

The other thing we need to remember is that we have changed over the years too! I am not the spring chicken I once was. My hubby and I have two biological children and one adopted. Our kids are so awesome and we love them to pieces, but carrying and delivering two of them has changed my body forever. I am a tad bit envious of the ladies who after giving birth look exactly the same as before the pregnancy. Well, ladies, that is not me by any means. One natural birth , one c-section, and all the stretch marks. Yet my hubby tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how he loves my body. He sees me as the beauty that I am today.

We wives can “look again for the first time” at our husbands. We can embrace who they are now and the sexy masterpiece they have become. Need a few ideas?

Spend some time re-exploring your husband’s body.

Give him a long sensual massage, spending time getting to know each area of him. Not to see how it may have changed but to embrace, love and admire who he is. Observe and enjoy his body with your hands and other senses. I would suggest doing this often, so that the differences become blurry and eventually all you can see is the sexy man in front of you.


Share what you love about your husband’s body

Our guys need to hear how sexy they are just as much as we want/need to hear how beautiful we are! What do you admire most about your hubby’s body? If you are still unsure, explore more! There are parts of my hubby I have always loved and I share that with him. There are parts I have come to enjoy greatly as a more mature wife. Tell your husband how much you appreciate these areas of his body or just show him. ?

Roll it all together

When we have times where marriage, sex and our hubby’s body just don’t seem the same as they used to be; remind yourself to think of ALL the ways you hubby has changed and matured. Touch him often, give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Being loved and embraced for who we are is such a vital part of a one flesh journey in marriage. Being loved even with our faults, to be totally known by our spouse-that is the kind of connection I believe God wants us to focus on.

As his wife, his body is yours. (1 Corinthians 7:4). His body is a precious gift to be given to you! If you find yourself contemplating the changes and your attraction to your hubby, pray that God will help you to re-discover your hubby’s body and cherish it even more then when you were first married. It is my hope that all of you will keep connecting or re-connect with your sexy husband who still fans that slow, eternal flame within you. Make a point to share how much you love your husband’s body today!

Thanks, Kate!

I love what she said about how it’s not just his body that changes; he changes, too.  Let’s appreciate him for those changes! After all, sex is more than physical; it also unites us emotionally and spiritually, too. Let’s concentrate on that amazing connection, and maybe the fact that he’s gained some weight won’t matter so much.

But a few days ago a commenter did mention that sex was really a challenge because her husband was heavy, and she didn’t like feeling like she was suffocating. Very good point.

So if your husband is heavy, try being on top.

That gives you more control, too, so you can line up the position better and hopefully find it more pleasurable (more on that later this month). That likely will be more comfortable.

Remember, too, that even in marriages where the husband keeps a rock solid body, that infatuation feeling does fade. We won’t always feel weak-kneed at our husbands. So what becomes attractive and sexy doesn’t need to be six pack abs; it could simply be that you know he loves you and protects you, and that he spends time figuring out how to make you feel good. A lover who is interested in making you feel pleasure is much better than one who may look awesome but who doesn’t learn how your body works.

So spend some time tracing his body, but encourage him to trace yours, too. Let him figure out how you work (and maybe you need to figure that out yourself). Because if he can learn to play you like a violin, then his extra weight won’t be such a big deal!

Great Sex Challenge 11: Share with your husband what you find sexy about him. Earlier this month you had to name five things you loved about your own body; now name 5 sexy things about your hubby. They don’t all need to be physical (I find my husband’s job kinda sexy, and I find his voice sexy), but come up with five things–and some should be physical! Share them your hubby, and then explore his body and make him believe it!

31 Days to Great Sex

New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)

It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.



29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:How to Flirt with Your Husband

Next:
Day 12: If You’re Having a Hard Time with These Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!

Don’t forget to hit the share buttons below! Thanks for telling your friends about our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

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Comments

  1. I had to resist making a comment in regards to how we should respond in regards to our aging spouses. It had to do with one word in the title “Love, Honour and Vacuum” and how some men react to pain so as not to appear as wimps.

    Anyhow after reading the great article it gives me a better sense of how my precious bride of 26 years this coming February 22nd still loves me despite my aging and few, okay, honestly, more than a few extra pounds. Now I did just recently shave off my gray beard because there is practically no gray in my hair, so I actually look 10 years younger. So I am told! There is no silver in my hair, but our relationship grows richer by the day as we both ask the Lord to live His love through us to each other and sincerely allow Him to reign thus~wise. We’re growing up in Christ with His indwelling Eternal Presence being given priority. What a marvel of mercy to have Him sculpt our hearts and souls regardless of our not so sculpted physiques, well mine! My dear wife on the other hand is HOT! Even after 5 children all natural born. And yes I do tell her so!
    Thank you Lord for your marvelous, infinite, matchless grace!

  2. Thank you for this series. It’s very encouraging and practical. We’ve been married three years. My husband has gained some weight and is now about 60-70 lbs over “healthy” weight. But he’s tall and athletic and doesn’t look overweight. I want him to be healthy, I love him, and am still very attracted to him. I feel his extra weight makes him less interested in sex. He’s implied that the extra weight affects his sex drive. I want to be encouraging and not push him but sometimes I feel hurt and rejected.

    • Emily, that could very well be true. For men, extra weight often does inhibit a sex drive (as does type 2 diabetes). Why not talk to him playfully about how much better your marriage could be if he were more “in the mood”? And then make it a project together to help him lose weight, by changing the way you both cook, cutting back on carbs, and going for a walk every night.

  3. I do agree with most of this, it’s VERY inspiring. We all age, we all change. HOWEVER dealing with a few pounds of chub VS dealing with a spouse that has fallen to unhealthy measurements are 2 VERY different things. I think we should also remember we have a responsibility to our spouses to remain as healthy as we can so that we may enjoy longer lives together free of major health issues that could have been otherwise avoided.
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    • That’s very true, Christine. And as women, we do have a bit more power in this area because we tend to control what groceries are bought! But I do think that rejecting your husband, no matter what his size, isn’t healthy, either. We have to help him lose weight, but we still have to love him!

  4. so true and very well said….this series so far has been awesome

  5. How about if both men and women just decided to be more healthy and eat less unhealthy foods and just consume less then we need in general and worked out more and kept their bodies fit and healthy for their spouses?

    Yes, it is hard. Yes, it takes time. But it will help you in the bedroom and it will keep you healthier, usually meaning you are alive longer to love your spouse. So why not put some of that self-control and discipline to good use and get your body back closer to the shape it was when you first met your spouse?

    I know I would be blessed beyond measure if my spouse did that for me, because I know it would involve a lot of hard work and dedication and sacrifice for them to take off their extra (+80lbs) of unhealthy weight. Plus it would help with the high blood pressure, pre-diabetes and possibly the high cholesterol along with a lot of other health issues. Plus it would make them more attractive to me. I LOVE my spouse, but I can not choose what to be attracted to or not be attracted to.

    • Absolutely! I definitely agree that spouses owe it to each other to try to be healthy and to do what they can to stay attractive. However, in the interim, I don’t think it’s right to withhold sex or to refuse to accept your spouse. Let’s love and respect each other, but always challenge each other to reach for God’s best (which is always the healthiest).

      • Yes it is not always easy to be attracted to any situation that is not agreeable to us. Yet, for the Christian, who has Jesus Christ living in us, we can give ourselves to Him in order to allow His love to flow through us. This is not to condone something that is wrong in someone else, or even in ourselves, but it does reach out, as Jesus did to us, to love our spouse in attitude, word and action, regardless.

        It takes a Divine willingness which cannot ever come from the human spirit. Rather it only happens as the Holy Spirit is allowed to move in us and through us. In turn then we and our spouse are more apt to be encouraged by the grace shown, by both God and humans, to want to be changed, yes, transformed. And of course PRAY, for all hearts involved!

  6. I love this series. I am so grateful that even though I am 30lbs over my desired weight, since having our child 4 yrs ago, my husband has not lost his desire for me. Unfortunately the extra weight I am carrying has affected my desire for him…because I feel so self-conscious when we are naked. This series has encouraged me to spend time.enjoying my husband again and it is making me more comfortable in my own skin and I find myself desiring to be healthier and more attractive for him again.

    • That’s awesome, Jennifer! I’m so glad. And hey, if you can see how much your husband still wants you, then maybe that will make you feel better about yourself, too, right?

  7. I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post – just what I needed to hear today! Will definitely be reading the rest :)

  8. I am lucky here. Here’s the one who is rock-hard and I’m the one who’s gained the weight. The problem is that in order for him to stay rock-hard, he spends 2-3 hours in the gym, that’s 45 minutes away. He uses this gym because it’s close to work, but he still goes on his days off. He works out 6 days a week, so you can imagine how much time he spends away from home. That being said, he does have really nice biceps, triceps, pecs and delts. His abs are pretty close to a six-pack. So he does look good. My problem is that his physique is not what’s important to me. I’d rather have him spend more time at home. Though I know it’s important to him so I will try to spend more time complimenting him on his hard work.
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  9. I am a late bloomer and have just come across “29 Days to Great Sex” today while browsing Pinterest. Honestly, I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me. I’m a wife of 11 years (12 years this Aug) to a truly terrific husband. Beginning a few years after our marriage, just before our first child was born, we were having issues in the bedroom. Rather, it was my lack of desire that was the underlying problem. He was understanding and has been over the past 9 years or so, but it’s now causing more evident issues. While reading through the 29 days, I seriously could not picture myself doing, let alone enjoying, any of these challenges. Maybe I fall under the ‘selfish’ category, but let me explain. In an effort (my attempt) to help us, we attended the Five Love Languages seminar one weekend. I was so excited because I knew if my DH gave me the “words of affirmation” I NEED, then I would be able to reciprocate and give him the “physical touch” he craves and needs. When we have intimate moments, it’s great ~ I enjoy it but often feel let down because that’s where it stops. The next day is business as usual until our next romp in the hay which now ends up being once or twice a month. It’s sad. I feel as though I am asking too much from him or I’m being selfish with my request. I feel resentful giving him sex when I feel as if I am not being fullfilled in return. I feel as though as long as I am having sex with him, he thinks everything is fine when it’s not. I still long for his words, attention, and adoration through words. However, since he is faithful to me, provides for our family, and is an awesome father – he gives me plenty….just not what I NEED to FEEL like he truly loves. It’s crazy to type this because I’ve never put it so bluntly for fear of being judged. All of our friends actually say we are the “perfect couple” because we have SO many things going in our favor. If this bedroom/romance issue doesn’t get solved soon, I’m not entirely sure how bright the future may be. Please give me your feedback. Is it so bad to need something in return (ie words from him) to make having sex more pleasant and meaningful to me? Thank you, again.

    • Sara, I know that you’re feeling really lonely, and that you’re wondering how you can get past this “I don’t get what I need” thing in marriage.

      Here are just a few thoughts:

      If your desire has been low throughout your marriage, and if you’re only making love once or twice a month, chances are he really isn’t getting what he needs, either. So he’s probably feeling badly. So you’re both feeling badly!

      Now you’re at a bit of an impasse. What do you do when you both feel badly? You’d like him to learn to love you the way that you need, and that’s totally understandable. But the problem is that it’s not necessarily helpful. If you wait for him to do the right thing before you do the right thing, then you’re setting up a situation where neither of you might ever do the right thing.

      The other thing I notice is that you’ve sort of relegated sex into the “for him” category. It’s something you do because he wants it (although you admit that you enjoy it when you do have sex). That’s a bit of a dangerous thing in marriage because then your husband can start to feel like you’re just placating him instead of really wanting him, which is a big reason why perhaps he doesn’t act as lovey-dovey towards you as you may want.

      So if I could offer a suggestion, why not show him the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge, and commit to working through it together? But don’t do it because that way HE’LL get great sex; do it so that YOU BOTH will get great sex. I’m pretty sure that if you started this challenge, and he knew that you were committed to making your marriage fun and loving, he’d jump right on board. And then spend the month not thinking about doing it “for him”, but doing things so that you feel great, so that you sleep better, so that you feel more confident, too, and so that you both feel far more intimate. Try to get out of seeing sex as something for him, because it really was meant for both of you.

      So that’s what I’d suggest: reach out to him first. You’ve said he’s a great guy, and that others think you’re awesome together. That’s wonderful! So start thinking about all the things you love about him, and start thinking about all the ways to show him that love. When our attitude changes, and we begin to think about what we can do for him, often his attitude changes, too, because he feels truly accepted and loved for the first time.

  10. C. Everett says:

    I really appreciate your honesty, but forgive me for feeling like it dismisses practicality. :-( I totally agree with you on the fact that I love my husband dearly, and I love even more the man he has become, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not physically attracted to his body. It’s weird, because I have evolved in the 11 years we have been married. I no longer care for a slender boyish build. I like a man with a bit of muscle. I really want to look at him and not have to dig deep into my emotional reserves to ignite passion. Any advice?

  11. María E. says:

    This was the best article I could find out there.
    I have a young marriage of about 7 years and it seemed that I would be in love forever and that would never change no matter what. However about a year ago we had a fight and he happened to go over the line and physically attacked me. After that I haven’t been able to feel passionate or as “in love” as I felt before and boy have I tried many things. I had always being very open and supporting but after that all I see is how selfish he always looks to me and how little he tries to pay attention to me and things that matter for me. I want to do as much fight for my marriage as possible and even more since we have two children together but sometimes my feelings of undesire for him grow.
    If anyone have any particular advice for me I would be all ears, meanwhile I would try my best doing what this page talks about (which seems very helpful).

  12. I have just started reading this blog and it has been such a great help!! I will admit I have worked myself into a rut of NEVER initiating, being tooa tired most days (4 kids and homeschool), annoyed that he always seems to initiate on the latest night possible and never even being in the mood until we get started. I started praying about how I was feeling because I really don’t want to have such negative feelings. I started reading your blog and I guess I felt like he was a “horn dog” always thinking about sex. I honestly never get in the mood until he touches me. So anyway, after I read several days of this 29 days. I started taking your advice. Thinking about sex memories during the day. And giving him massages on his back at the end of the night. I now find myself thinking about sex throughout the day!! It’s so nice to want it again and I can’t believe how easy it’s been. I told my husband how I have been thinking throughout the day, I started texting him from an online “secret” # so our snoopy kids don’t see it lol. Today I asked him to pick up something special to wear for him. I think he’s going into shock lol. We had sex 3 nights in a row!! Then last 2 nights he rolled over and feel asleep, I actually found myself hoping he would make a move in the night. Thank you so much for helping me correct some wrong thinking patterns. I really do want to want my husband. I haven’t worked up to making the first move, but I now know how it feels to have someone fall asleep on you lol. Something I have done MANY times to him. I’m only on day 11, looking forward to finishing. Thank you for your blog!! Oh and PS I always wished he was more affectionate and now that I have been more interested in him, he has been more affectionate! Just like you said :)

  13. I do like the concept of the article. Thank you. My question, though, is what if you feel that both you and your spouse have changed, but not in a good way. Not just extra pounds or other signs of aging, but hurt and bitterness because of things that have happened since getting married? Disappointments with struggles with pornography and sexual attraction on both sides? Pulling away from God and the church because of hurts and hypocrisy? Starting to feel like we’re both becoming more like misshapen Picassos than Michaelangelo’s David.

  14. shanelle says:

    I love what u said about your hubby and your self because that is how I feal about my hubby. And that is what makes me want my hubby more and more u guys are an isperation thank u … much love happyness and peace thank you…

  15. What if you were NEVER that attracted to your husband? I don’t understand why articles always assume that “things were great when you were first dating, married, etc.” My husband is not ugly… and he is a great guy with good qualities…. but it is obvious to everyone that he is the one who “married up.” Enough of the “getting back the passion and flame!” What if there is nothing to get back? What if there never was passion?? Neither of us are passionate people, and I don’t even KNOW what that feels like! (Well, I think I COULD be passionate… but not with him.)
    Sure, I want sex as much or MORE than the next person….. but I guess… there is supposed to be more to this than getting your needs met by the only person who legally can. I LOVE him. In a very logical way. In a family, familiar, attachment type way. But when I see him with his shirt off….. I just think, “Wow. I can’t believe I had sex with that.” And sometimes I think I could have done better. In fact… when I look at him I just think, “You are so lucky to have landed a hot girl like me.”

    This is horrible. It even shocks me to see it in writing….. But if I’m honest with myself – and you – this is really what goes through my head. Don’t get me wrong; I would never turn him down if he wanted sex. We have been married for 3 years. The first two were super rough. I always wanted sex. He always found better things to do. Maybe deep down he knew I didn’t find him attractive. He even said that he didn’t want me to look at him naked because he didn’t feel sexy.
    I feel bad. Because the way he looks really does bother me… but I can’t talk to him about it. That would be horrible. I can deal with the balding head and the brown eyes (I hate brown eyes), but it’s the slouching, the 10-20 extra lbs on his waste, and the sometimes frequent refusal to brush his teeth before bed and refusal to eat healthy that really turns me off completely.
    Recently he was sent away on a year long work assignment. Normally, I’m a really touchy, huggy, sex craving person who wants lots of attention. When he came back for a visit after not seeing him for a month, I didn’t want him to come anywhere near me. I told him, “Don’t touch me! I don’t know you!!” He doesn’t look any different than when I married him…. but when you take away the neediness…. it really shatters the rose colored glasses. I saw a picture and thought, “Good Lord! I’m married.. to HIM? This is my…. husband?! My what?! He looks so old! I’m young! What was I thinking?!?” I guess when I agreed to marry him I assumed that he would work out and get into shape for me like all my friends’ husbands did. At least he is healthier from being married to me, even if he never did turn into prince charming.
    I guess I can just keep praying that he will have the self control to lose weight and build muscle and to actually pursue me romantically. He doesn’t have a passion for me, either.

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] Day 1: The Act of Marriage Day 2: Starting Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive [...]

  2. [...] Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges Day 13: Getting Your Head in the [...]

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