Little kids are hanging off of you. Or maybe you’re running to the office where you have to deal with grumpy people. You’re in a rush. The phone is ringing off the hook. You’re just looking forward to the day ending when you can actually relax. Is it possible, with all of the chaos and responsibilities and kids and grumpy co-workers and rushing around that you can actually spend the day preparing for sex so you’ll be in the mood to make love later?
Yes, it is, and were going to talk about how today, Day 9 of our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (update: Now available!). Let’s recap what we’ve done so far, because today we’re starting a new direction. We’ve talked about:
I hope you all had a great time yesterday going over 14 ways to play with your husband! All of those things will make intimacy more natural. Now we’ve got ourselves thinking in the right direction, and laughing together to smooth over issues and increase goodwill. But what about actually getting in a frisky frame of mind?
That’s what we’re going to look at over the next few days! Today, let’s just start with how we can make sex part of our whole lives, instead of just ignoring it except for a few minutes at night. Making love, after all, will always be more fun and meaningful if it’s not just an afterthought at the end of the day. If you can prepare for sex during the day, you’ll likely feel friskier at night!
Now getting in the right frame of mind doesn’t mean that you have to be actively thinking about sex all day. No one wants to be trying to get herself excited while she’s talking to her boss, or while she’s taking the toddlers out on a walk. That seems kind of, well, icky.
But there’s more to being a sexual woman than just actually thinking or fantasizing. There’s also feeling comfortable in your own skin, feeling comfortable with your husband, and getting rid of roadblocks to enjoying sex tonight. Here’s a game plan to help you use your day well:
1. Prepare Your Body to Make Love
I live in the Great White North, where there are two seasons: winter and construction. And winter is substantially longer. And so many northern gals throw those razors away in the winter. What’s the point in shaving when no one can see your legs anyway?
No one, that is, except you and your husband. And let’s face it: how sexy are you going to feel with “man legs”? Honestly, it doesn’t take that long to shave (if you do shave; if you don’t, that really is okay). But if you’re someone who shaves in summer and feels good about it, and then you stop in the winter, how sexy do you think you’ll feel when you’re nude? There’s something about shaving that can make us feel pretty and prepared. So don’t let yourself get too hairy! (If you never do shave, then the hairiness probably won’t matter as much to you because you’re used to it. But if you start shaving and then stop, you’ll feel distinctly unattractive when you let yourself go).
So make your body itself feel great! Shave and use lots of lotion to keep your skin soft and smooth. When you feel better in your skin, you’ll enjoy feeling skin on skin far more.
2. Prepare Your Clothes So You Feel Sexy
Kiss frump good-bye. I’ve written about this before, but modest does not mean frumpy. Wear clothes that make you feel attractive and that flatter your shape–whatever shape that is! If you think it’s impossible, go to YouTube and start watching episodes of What Not to Wear. They can dress any body shape and the women always end up looking incredible. If you just don’t have clothes that make you feel confident, then get The No Brainer Wardrobe, a quick resource to help you figure out how to buy a wardrobe that’s inexpensive, flexible, and suits your body type. It is better to have six outfits that make you feel amazing than it is to have 50 T-shirts and 7 pairs of mom jeans that make you feel dowdy. And don’t forget tasteful lingerie. Seriously, there is nothing X-rated about a nice bra and panty set, and it will make you feel so much more sophisticated (and sexy!).
If you spend your day looking and feeling attractive, it will boost your confidence level at night. And don’t forget our Day 3 Challenge from last week: concentrate on those 5 areas of your body that you’re proud of. Don’t think about the things you don’t like about your body; think about the things you do.
I personally think I have nice feet. Feet may not normally be the first thing people think of when they think “pretty”, but I like my feet. And so I’m going to make more of an effort to pamper my feet and put on some nice toenail polish, because it makes me feel prettier.
So dress your body attractively, and play up those features that you love!
3. Preparing for Sex Means Carving Out Some “Me” Time
One of the biggest impediments to female libido is exhaustion. When I took surveys of 2000 women for my Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (coming out in just a few weeks!), the number one thing that women reported that was wrecking their sex lives was simply being tired. When we women feel like everybody is hanging off of us and everything is on our plates, we’re going to absolutely crave time to ourselves. And when do we take that time? When the kids are in bed–right when we could be being romantic with your husband!
If you just need 45 minutes on your own everyday, find a way to build it into your routine. It honestly is okay to stick the kids in front of a video for 45 minutes so you can work on a scrapbook page if you have to. It is more important to have a great marriage than it is to spend every waking minute stimulating your children. If you work outside the home, don’t have lunch with co-workers if you can help it. If you need time just to read a novel, then read a novel.
Make a list of some things which would help to center you and make you feel sane–whether it’s doing a hobby for half an hour, or reading a book, or soaking in a bath, or going for a jog. And now figure out: how can I make this a reality? Because if you can take that time to yourself during the day, you really will be more rejuvenated at night.
If you just can’t see where that time is going to come from, then talk to your hubby and explain why you need it. Maybe he’ll volunteer to put the kids in bed just so that you can take a bubble bath!
4. Plan Regular Times to Imagine Sex
We women don’t tend to have biological cues that remind us about sex the way men do. Men are very visually oriented, and so even if they don’t mean to think about sex, when they see a pretty woman their minds often turn that way. And if they haven’t had sex in a while, their body actually feels it. Ours doesn’t in quite the same way.
So you need a reminder, or a trigger, to think sexy! What about choosing one common activity, or one trigger point, that makes you smile or think about the last great encounter you had? Say, every time you do the dishes, you think about your favourite sexual memory. Or perhaps every time you’re at a Stop sign, or every time you hear a siren. Then you can even text your husband and say, “Remember when….”
This may not sound very exciting, but it is awfully important: get some shut eye! If exhaustion is a big culprit in killing our libidos, then we have to treat sleep seriously. Most women need at least 8 hours of sleep. If the kids wake you up at 6:30, then you need to be getting to sleep at 10:30. That’s getting to sleep–not crawling into bed and turning on the TV in your bedroom, or playing on Facebook, or even having sex. It means lights out. Which also means that you should be crawling into bed closer to 9:45 if you want to have some cuddle and talk and fun time with your husband.
Can you sleep well in your house? Is your bed comfortable? Have you trained the kids to sleep well (more on that later this month)? Have you removed distractions from your bedroom, like TVs and work and laundry that needs folding? Let your bedroom be an oasis and you’ll find that you sleep better and you’re more energized.
Great Sex Challenge 9: Put all that together, and what do you have? Prepare for sex by spending your morning making sure you feel attractive. Find some me time throughout the day. Think about sex, even if it’s just fleeting–a few times regularly throughout the day. And then make sure you get some sleep at night, so that you don’t collapse when you are together. That’s a lot of things for one challenge, so what I’d suggest is that you pick one or two that you know would really help you, and decide to implement them tonight–or tomorrow. And husbands, if you’re reading this along with your wife, here’s your task: if she needs new clothes to make her feel pretty, make that a priority in your budget! Even just one or two outfits can make a huge difference. And if she needs time to herself, help her figure out a way to get it! Don’t watch TV in your bedroom too late and keep her awake. Work together at helping her get rid of some roadblocks for making love, and you’ll find you both feel more confident and feel more intimate!
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: Playing with Your Hubby!
Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Children
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness in your Sexual Life
Day 29: A Round-Up and a Party!
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