29 Days to Great Sex Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants Your Body

"My Husband Wants Me Too Much!" Here's a look at why his sex drive is actually a good thing!Feel like your husband is a sex fiend who wants you too much? Do you always complain, “my husband wants me all the time?” You’ve come to the right place!

It’s Day 6 of the 29 Days to Great Sex here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, a series I wrote leading up to the launch of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. (Update: Now Available!)

If you’re late joining us, you can start here and follow the links. Up until now we’ve looked at some of the roadblocks that we women have for enjoying sex–and if we think we’re not going to have fun, it’s very likely that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Later this week we’re going to switch gears and start looking at how to have fun with our spouses and learn to nurture that side of our relationship. But before we turn there, let’s deal with one more big issue:

Many women feel as if sex is an obligation. If only he didn’t want it so much, all the problems would go away. But he’s sex-obsessed! My husband wants me all the time, which makes me feel guilty all the time. And that’s why sex has become a problem.

We start defining the problem as your husband wanting sex too much. So today I want to help us to see sex in a different way. Let’s understand what he thinks, and then let’s look at how changing our attitude can change the whole dynamic in our relationship.

Now, I know that some of you women have a different problem: your guy seems to never want sex. Read this post, and then come back here for some more challenges later this week, because I have some things that will help! But if you find in your marriage that you’re the one who tends to avoid sex, read on below.

To let you in on a guy’s perspective, I’ve asked Paul Byerley, from The Generous Husband, to share some thoughts.

Here’s Paul:

Why does your husband want sex so much? Maybe you think the why is that he is over sexed, or selfish, or has seen too much porn. Any or all of those might be in the mix, but there are other things that are more important – things that have to do with emotions and relationship. Yes, men have those feelings – they tend to be buried and denied, but they are there.

For men sex is intimately connected with their sense of masculinity, self-image, and self-worth. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I know it’s a fact of life. This means sex is personal, and that having sex makes him feel loved, appreciated, and valued, while not having sex makes him feel the opposite. Wives often say “It’s not personal” when saying no to sex. For her it’s not personal, but for him it is. Even if he can accept it’s not personal for her (most of us have a hard time taking that on faith, forget about understanding it), it’s still personal for him. “No” still hurts, it’s still a rejection, and it still makes him feel unloved, undesired, and unneeded.

You may be wondering why you have not hear about this from your husband. In part it’s because men don’t do very well at communicating about their feelings. Beyond that, many men don’t even admit their feeling to themselves. If you deny it, you can ignore it and pretend it does not hurt. That doesn’t really work, but a lot of guys keep doing it all the same.

Thanks, Paul!

Here’s how I often explain it: men make love to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to make love.

It seems like a recipe for disaster! But perhaps it makes sense. For us each to get our deepest need met, we have to reach out to the other. It’s one of God’s primary vehicles through which marriage brings holiness; it teaches us to think about the other.

I think women have a tendency to think that we are the superior sex, because we care about important things, like relationships, while men care about shallow things, like breasts. But let’s not forget that this is the way that men were made, and it is for a purpose. Men like to feel as if they can chase a woman and win her. It’s part of their identity. When we don’t let him “win” us, then he starts to feel like there’s something wrong with him.

So what do you do? Recognize that the circle works both ways. Yes, when we’re tired, and we say no, he feels distant. That makes him avoid us, which makes us angry and guilty, which drives a wedge. But when you’re tired, and you say yes, he feels close to us. That makes him release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which makes him feel lovey-dovey towards us. That helps us sleep well, and then the next day he’s often much more affectionate.

If you long to feel close to your hubby, then, the power is in your hands!

I think what many of us women want is for our husbands to love us and act all affectionate EVEN IF we don’t make love, and in an ideal world, perhaps they would be able to. But that’s asking an awful lot of a guy. Sex is so tied up in his ability to feel loved, that you’re basically saying to him: “I want you to shower me with affection and love me completely even if I don’t show you any love at all.” That’s rough.

So today’s challenge is to change the way we look at sex. Let’s stop:

  • Thinking “my husband wants me too much”, and that makes him pathetic, because men were made to desire women!
  • Thinking that life would be better if sex didn’t interfere, because sex bonds us together (there are even hormones for that!)
  • Thinking that we are morally superior for liking to cuddle, because we need to recognize that we were simply made with different priorities
  • Thinking that he should make the first move and show us affection regardless of whether or not we have sex (because then we’re setting up an unfair double standard).

And here’s how we’re going to do that! We’re going to a reverse exercise from yesterday. Yesterday you asked your husband to touch you to show you that you could feel pleasure. Today I challenge you to make him lie still while you spend at least 15 minutes straight feeling him and touching him, any way you want to. Shower him with some sexual attention! He’ll feel really loved!

But here’s something else: you’ll feel really powerful. Sometimes we women become a little passive in bed and we let him make most of the moves. Then we miss out and don’t see what effect we can actually have on our guys! Take that 15 minutes and look at how you can reduce him to a whimpering mess as he begs you for some release! That’s power, girls. And that’s how much he wants you.

At the end of those 15 minutes, you can do whatever you like (or he may have some very definite ideas of something he’d like to do). But take the full time to just touch him, because men are often very worried about whether or not their wives feel pleasure, that to have a sexual interlude dedicated simply to making them feel good takes the pressure off and puts them on Cloud Nine.

To sum up, here’s your challenge:

Great Sex Challenge 6: Explore your husband’s for 15 minutes straight, without letting him move! Concentrate on how his body responds, on what he likes, and on the effect you have on him. Watch how he feels really loved during this–and try to start seeing that desire he has for you as a very positive thing!

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

31 Days to Great Sex
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)

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29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Next:
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!


Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below :). Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Comments

  1. My husband was jokingly complaining a little yesterday that HE was the one that had to DO something for MY challenge. I’m pretty sure he is going to like this one ;-)

    • Yep, I’m sure he will! :) And for the rest of you reading this, I still think most guys would be absolutely and totally enthusiastic about helping their wives with these 29 days, because they know what they’ll get out of it. So if you’re reading this and you’re nervous that your husband won’t go along, just try it! Hey, Muriel’s husband went along. And so did lots of others. Most guys would be overjoyed to have wives who wanted to make this area better, so don’t be nervous!

  2. My husband it going to love this and truthfully I am sure I will learn things I thought I already knew. Great suggestion.

    Megan
    donotdisturb blog recently posted…Valentine’s Day: Ditch the “Event” MindsetMy Profile

    • I know! I’m thinking I should take my own challenge and tell my hubby we’re doing this tonight, too. We always learn so much more about each other (and about ourselves).

  3. I have not read today’s because we are reading them together at night but wanted to share about the kissing blog. The kissing thing has been a big issue in our lives because my hubby had a lot of problems with his teeth so we just did not do it. So when he got his teeth worked on we just were not doing it anymore. I always missed it but any time I brought it up we ended up fighting. So I was a little nervous when the blog about kissing came up. But we did it and last night we kissed like we haven’t kissed in years. I am about to start crying while I type this. It was so wonderful and I feel closer to my husband today than I have in forever. It just opened something up in me. And as a side note, it did lead to the first big O I have had in about 6 months.
    Thank you and can’t wait to see what is in store for the rest of the month.

  4. Oh, he’s going to love this one! :-)

    I’d sent my husband a few of your posts to check out in January. He told me he’d read them and was “surprised” (you should seen the look on his face as he said that!) and greatly impressed by your candor. He feels like you play fair and “get” men…and say things to women he didn’t think anyone had the nerve to say.

    So I’m forwarding your February posts each day…thank you for providing a catalyst for growth!
    Cheri Gregory recently posted…Where I Stay So I Won’t StrayMy Profile

    • Cheri, that’s a really big compliment! Thank you for sharing that. I’m sure your hubby will like me even more after tonight… :)

  5. To be honest, yesterday’s challenge freaked me out a little bit — due to body image. So, I’ve hesitated on even mentioning it to my husband. But, I think that I could do today’s challenge and follow-up with yesterday’s a little bit easier. Thanks for these posts. I’ve shared them with the wives in my young married’s group at church. :)

    • Kristen, I know that some women are more ready for some things than others. But yes, if you try this first, then ask your husband to turn the tables another time. Remember that most guys actually DO like to the freedom to explore their wives’ bodies, so just keep telling yourself that!

  6. I am loving this series. We are still newlyweds so maybe I don’t understand other women yet. :) But I love having sex with my husband! Your post on kissing was so good and came at a really rough time. Poor hubby had a horrible cold this past week and long kisses are hard to come by when one of you can’t breath so we found out just how much we love our kisses.
    And yeah, nothing quite like driving your man crazy with touch. Thank you Sheila for your wisdom and honesty. Looking forward to the new book.

  7. I just wanted to say thanks for doing your 29 Days. My husband is away at the moment, and I’m looking forward to him getting home! Being 7 months pregnant, I seem to have a higher sex drive, but am extremely uncomfortable with the baby, so we’ll see how things go.

    I loved seeing the man’s perspective! It’s helpful to realize that God made us with different needs, and together, we work perfectly!
    Vinae recently posted…Things That Make Me a Horrible MomMy Profile

  8. Ok, I needed this! My husband and I have been struggling in this area of our life. I haven’t been reading these, but will be going back over the archives. Thank you for speaking on such a touchy subject. It is a hard one for me, but know that God is calling me to do hard things this year and will let me know what to do! He is so good!

    • Glad you’re here, Kelly! And hey, if you have the courage, get your husband to read along with you and do these challenges with you! I hadn’t really thought as many COUPLES would be reading these together, but from comments & emails I’ve received, the guys are joining in enthusiastically. So here’s hoping your hubby is game, too!

  9. this one seems impossible for me. I have a history of abuse – guys forcing me to touch them – and so I have this aversion to touching my husband sexually. I enjoy sex, but I don’t do much touching during it. Will I ever get through this?

    • Laura, that’s a really tough one. And I totally understand if you can’t do this. But can I make a suggestion? Just try. You likely have a real issue enjoying his body because it’s so emotionally laden for you. But the neat thing about this exercise is that YOU are the one with the power, not HIM. He’s not supposed to move. So you really are in control. In some ways, you could find this healing–although I totally understand if it’s too much right now. But what about starting with something a little tamer? Have your husband lie naked but face down, get some massage oil, and just rub his legs and his back. Have fun getting some of the knots out of his muscles. And then move on to his upper arms and see how they muscular they feel–quite different from women’s arms. It doesn’t need to be overtly sexual–it could just be SENSUAL. And as you get more comfortable touching him like this, the other may also become possible. But don’t give up! I know you have major roadblocks. Many women do. What you don’t want is to be always stuck there. And perhaps having some time when he DOESN’T move and when you are in control can actually be a beautiful thing. Just concentrate on how it feels to touch his body, knowing that he loves you. And you may find that it starts to have more positive connontations!

      • Thank you Sheila! That’s a really good idea and I know he would enjoy it. I’m going to have to try. we’ve been working on a million issues and this past year has been the best one of our marriage and it will be 10 years in April! Still a ways to go but we’ll get there.

  10. I don’t know if hubby could stay still for 15 minutes! But I suppose he’ll have to give it the ole college try! I’m sure he’ll be thrilled and at least TRY to do it!
    Heather recently posted…2012 in 2012 – Week 5My Profile

  11. I’m actually looking forward to this more than I was to yesterday’s. I tend to get nervous and worried about whether my husband is actually wanting to pleasure me, or just wanting to arouse me enough to get pleasure for himself. I also have a hard time not letting my mind wander to the million different things that seem to creep in from nowhere. But when I’m focused only on him, I can actually relax a little and not have to worry about what I’m feeling (or not feeling.) I’m really enjoying this series, especially the fact that my husband is doing this with me, and we’re both learning new things about each other!

  12. I told my DH about your 29 day challenge on Saturday and he seemed pretty excited! (Until this point, I was just reading without really mentioning it.) So yesterday we tried the 15 minutes for me (it actually ended up being close to 2 hours for both of us… and actually there was quite a bit of loving going on the day before which had left me quite sore, so it really was just exploring and touching — something that hasn’t happened in a couple years), and tonight while we were watching TV after dinner, he snuck off and brought a bottle of lube (hint hint, right?). So we ended up doing over 15 minutes for him, too!

    Verdict so far: success.

    • Awesome! That sounds great. Sometimes we just need a little prompting to give ourselves permission to turn things around!

  13. Oh, what a challenge. I have done one similiar, but without a time limit. And it wasn’t a part of a challenge. Anyway…lol. My husband did go bonkers! *sigh* Sadly, that was over 4 years ago.

    Thank you for this challenge. I may not get to it tonight but it is on my list. Actually, I am printing out each day so I can read these to my husband. We leave for a mission trip next Wednesday, so these next couple days are filled with gettting the last of our stuff prepared and a host of other things.

    But, I am excited about it. That’s a step. Even if only a baby one.;-)
    Danielle Jones recently posted…Softening of HeartMy Profile

  14. Okay, I am going to go out onthe obvious limb here and ask. How the bloody blue blazes are you guys keeping from becoming pregnant? I cannot stand before God someday and justify the use of hormonal abortificients, even if it only happens a few months of the year. I used them many years ago and reacted anyway. No, I am not Roman Catholic. But if we are supposed to trust God with our sex, why aren’t we trusting him fully for that outcome? I can’t be the only fertile myrtle in the world, and dh was tested years ago…lets just say that he’s super capable. ;) inserting crap into our bodies just so we can have sex without perceived consequence seems contrary to God’s plan for sex??

    • Rebecca, you don’t have to use the Pill to avoid pregnancy. The best resource I’ve found is Christian Family Planning, which looks at how to get more familiar with your body. Remember, you’re only fertile 5 days a month, and you can use condoms during those days if you’re not opposed to them (they don’t inject any hormones into your system). I’d suggest checking them out!

  15. Shelia,
    I just wanted to let you know that already this series has made a big difference in my husband and I’s sex life. We had sex for the first time where I wasn’t doing it out of obligation but because I WANTED it and (if I may be candid) it was FANTASTIC sex. It has been two years since I have had an orgasm during sex and I had two and realized it wasn’t only that sex is painful for me that was keeping me from enjoying it on such a level but my mindset about sex. Thanks for helping me see this…I can’t wait to see what else you have in store for us and to continue to enoy intimacy with my husband. After all, sex is God’s wedding gift to us when we marry…..shouldn’t we enjoy it? Thank you!

  16. I just started reading your blog and I am really enjoying it! My hubby and I have great sex most of the time but I have struggled with getting turned on alot. It has caused some hardships in this area of our relationship. The thing I struggle most with is being physically attracted to my husband. I have never talked to anyone about this so it is difficult for me. I so badly want to be attracted to him, and there are certain things about his body that do turn me on so I try to focus on those. I want to try this exercise but I am afraid that my husband will see through me. We have done this in the past and I find it difficult to do but I know the outcome is worth it.

  17. I wish she would read this series, REALLY read it.
    She has it in her head that sex is just a way for her to be “used”.
    That it is dirty or only for producing children.
    I love her more than she can possibly imagine and certainly don’t see her as an object.
    She has no interest in me sexually, doesn’t respect me and consistently assumes the
    worst of me because of abusers in her past. I so very much long for her to touch me.
    I didn’t have an easy past either and was always told no woman would have me.
    Seems my tormentors were correct. She could give me wings and strength, and confidence if she would.
    I’m wondering why I stay sometimes.

  18. Just wanted to speak up for all the women out there who do not have sex obsessed husbands. In my marriage, I am the one with the higher drive. I get kind of jealous of women who complain that their husbands “want it all the time.” All of the “truths” about men don’t apply for us–foreplay doesn’t have to lead anywhere, I’m not asked for it multiple times a week, and often my initiations are rejected. He is not using pornography (we have systems of accountability in place to help him stay pure), and he has what I lovingly call a “100% success rate” on producing orgasms (yes, it’s true), but we don’t try for one that often. Could you do a day on that? It is way more common than you think.

    • Joy, I’ve done quite a series on that, actually, in different posts. Here’s the most popular. You’re right; it is very common. And while porn is the most common cause today, it is not the only cause. I wish you all the best as you deal with this!

  19. I just want to say thank you!

  20. This advice is all well and good, but what if sex is great when you have it with your husband, but he is generally too tired because of all his daily activity. I get complaints when I try to wake him in the middle of the night that just because I can’t sleep there is no need to wake him too. I feel sex once or twice a week from him is far too infrequent for me and it is not good for our marriage. A lot of this advice here assumes women don’t want it as much as men. In my case it is the opposite. We are no longer living in the 1950s you know.

    • I went through the same thing as my husband. Simply telling him that it is bothering you and communicating what you need is what I had to do. It was embarrassing at the beginning of the conversation, but he genuinely understood and wanted to build with me, and thats why we are doing this program. I hope it gets better!

  21. My husband and I are going through the days and we passed this one up last night. We have been stacking on the night and gradually building on each lesson and the difference is INCREDIBLE! We are learning to connect and focus on each others needs instead of just trying to finish. Can’t wait to see where we are on day 29!

  22. I don’t think I can do this challenge. I’m so not close to being in that place to be able to. It’s just too uncomfortable. All of these challenges so far are. I’m reading through all of them and thinking “yeah, no way. Not now.” But I guess when you’re not even close friends with the person you are married to, showing physical affection is nearly impossible. Nay, IS impossible =/

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] the next few days aren’t quite as intense). And I know some of you have problems with them. Yesterday our challenge was to spend 15 minutes just exploring and touching our husband’s body–while he lay there and let you. One woman left this comment: This one seems impossible for [...]

  2. [...] Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right [...]

  3. Happily Married After » Blog Archive » Loving From An Empty Well says:

    [...] 10 Feb 2012 by davidlpatrick, No Comments » I’ve just finished reading a post called Why Your Hubby Wants Your Body where the author, Sheila, makes the very true point that men make love to feel loved while women [...]

  4. [...] Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple Day 9: Prepare for Sex [...]

  5. [...] be intimate with him, he feels like the king of the castle. Besides the chemical rush that creates bonding between the two of you, he feels more confident to take on any challenge that come his way at [...]

  6. [...] Mr X was not one to talk about his feelings, even if he could have figured them out, and there was no internet or even books (that I was aware of) teaching about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective. I just knew that he wanted more than I felt I had to give; I thought that he should be satisfied with all the other stuff I did (work full time, mother 3 young children, and run a household). Then I’d feel guilty because, in yet another area, I wasn’t good enough, then resentful that he wanted more from me. I had absolutely no clue how important lovemaking is to a man; the emotional part of it and how it affects his feelings about himself and for his wife. (Once more, I refer you to Sheila Gregoire’s very insightful post here.) [...]

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