21 responses

  1. Theresa
    February 5, 2012

    Interesting…ya know what I thought immediatly? I don’t know if I have time for this. After all, it is a school night and husband is on day shift meaning we won’t eat dinner until 7. But I am goin to try! Early bathtimes. Early everything. But then again it is the superbowl. I will have to ask him to choose… ;)
    Theresa recently posted…Marriage and FairytalesMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 5, 2012

      Oh, Theresa, that’s funny! That’s a tough one for many men. :) But hey, if it doesn’t work today, I’ll give you permission to try to do both challenges tomorrow (they work well together, anyway). And it is the Superbowl! :) But you go, girl. See if you can get him to say yes tonight!

      • David
        February 7, 2012

        I like football (and advertising) just fine, but I would pick this over the Super Bowl any year. No contest.

      • Sheila
        February 7, 2012

        Awesome! Thanks, David.

  2. Heather
    February 6, 2012

    Hubby’s working an overnight shift tonight so this is a challenge that will have to wait – along with the others as this is the third night in a row he’s been gone. But I’m sure he’ll be glad to do some make-up work in this department! Although I don’t know about me. I just don’t know if I can remain still for 15 minutes. Now if it was just a back rub, I could most definitely be still and enjoy! I will do my best :)
    Heather recently posted…2012 in 2012 – Week 5My Profile

  3. Danielle Jones
    February 9, 2012

    Oh, man. I can tell you right now, this will be hard for me. Just the though of this has me cringing.:-( But, I know through prayer and talking, I will try!
    Danielle Jones recently posted…Fresh perspectiveMy Profile

    • The Wife
      March 12, 2014

      I know this post and your response is over two years old, but my goodness, I am glad I’m not the only one who had this reaction to this challenge!

  4. Jessica
    February 10, 2012

    :-( Yet again, I just can’t get my head around this. What happens if you DO have an orgasm but it still doesn’t do anything for you? I have them the majority of the time we have sex but it’s still not something I desire and it’s certainly something I can and prefer to live without. I just don’t think it’s that great. Then what seriously overshadows the orgasm is the major headache and nausea that I get after? Who wants that? If the orgasm is the only thing that is supposed to make it better by producing ‘pleasure’ or what have you….then I am just at a loss because I don’t really even care about them. They just don’t feel that great that I want to do it again.

  5. carise
    February 20, 2012

    My husband is one of the nonexistent men who doesn’t want sex. We’ve been married 6 years, and we’re only 30, but we have sex maybe 2-5 times a year. If it was up to me, it would be every day, but he just doesn’t want it. It makes me feel terrible about myself. I wish I had the ”problem” all the women I know have- a husband who constantly wants sex.

    • Sheila
      February 20, 2012

      Carise, about 25% of marriages are like yours, where the husband has the lower sex drive. I’m so sorry, because that’s so awful. I’ve written about this before, and I plan on doing a mini-series after this one on what to do in your case. But it sounds like you really need to work on your friendship and communication so that he understands what a need this is for you. Even if he’s not “in the mood”, he can try and be there for you. The big post where I wrote about that before is here: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/posts-3/. But it sounds like this is more than just a libido issue if he withholds sex to just 2-5 times a year. It sounds like it’s something that’s more serious that really should get looked into.

  6. Laurie
    February 21, 2012

    What if you have a husband who likes to totally skip foreplay and go straight to asking ” Hey babe, wanna have sex?” It makes me laugh at times because he is such a guy but it is hard for me to get in the mood with that and I don’t know if I can actually get him to do that for 15min. Any suggestions?

    • Sheila
      February 21, 2012

      Try some of the later posts that address this a little more! Go for this one, on how to make foreplay something that’s fun for him too: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-18-foreplay-can-be-for-him-too/, or this one, on how to spice things up (if you play some of the games you’ll likely get a lot more foreplay :) : http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-21-ways-to-spice-things-up/.

      I also think just talking to him is so important. Most men really don’t get the fact that women need foreplay, because our strongest erogenous zone is not the vagina (whereas his is the penis). So he gets maximum stimulation while having intercourse; we really don’t (unless the angle is right). So talk to him about it, and tell him that you want to make sex as passionate as possible so you can lose yourself in it, but for you that means it needs to be drawn out more. If you have him read some of the posts about the importance of foreplay, maybe he’ll understand! But communication here really is so key.

      Most men do want to give their wives pleasure; they just honestly don’t understand that we don’t experience intercourse as pleasurable the way they do unless we warm up first. They really just don’t get it. So we have to tell them!

  7. Jenni
    March 15, 2012

    I think what I’ve read so far is great, not just the advice but the Christian perspective. The only thing so far that I don’t agree with is that Christians should be watching sex scenes in movies. I don’t think that Jesus would do that, do you?

    • Amelia
      April 29, 2012

      I agree with you, Jenni. Though I don’t feel that she was encouraging us to go out and watch sex scenes but the notebook is a pretty popular chick flick that is pretty safe to feel that a lot of women have watched. I am sure many women fast forward through that scene but still see the passion in the previous scene and think, “why don’t I have that?”. I feel as Christians we should watch what is uplifting which leaves not much towatch nowadays. but that doesn’t really excuse watching it for we are to be careful what we allow to enter our minds. Good thought Jenni. :)

  8. Katherine
    April 3, 2012

    Hi there. I’m a newlywed at 44 years old and saved myself for marriage. I had no idea that sex was going to be so painful. I keep hoping it will get better but it doesn’t. Yes, we are using a lubricant. I’m thinking this might be due to peri-menopause and the effects of low estrogen. I wish I knew what to do. My husband is so gentle and understanding so I’m grateful.

  9. Maggie
    May 28, 2012

    I don’t want to ask him to do this, because I’m afraid he will tell me, once again, that he is too tired, or just leave it hanging. I’m tired of being rejected. It’s been ten years, and I just don’t know. I want sex and he doesn’t.

  10. mj
    September 7, 2012

    I’ve found that when I struggle to relax, if I focus on him and making him feel good, things seem to work out and it makes me closer to him and I find it easier to relax and enjoy

  11. anonymous
    January 12, 2013

    Sheila, you have such great information, but this is all very scary. My husband and I have been married for 26 years I am a lights off under the covers girl, which doesn’t seem to bother my husband. We don’t do the whole look into each other’s eyes thing. I was very thin when we first got married but progressively gained quite a bit of weight. I had lost 58 this past year which is a good thing, but from a sexual standpoint I was very uncomfortable at that weight. I felt like my husband was able to get much too physically close to me during intercourse. While I’m not happy that I’ve gained 10 lbs back, sex is less intimidating. Though my husband has always been good with foreplay, it’s very hard for me to receive. I’m much more comfortable touching him and making him feel good. And I hate the term making love. It’s like fingernails against a chalk board. Self hate? Past issues coming more to the surface from what was probably date rape 30 years ago? I don’t know. Just tired of being scared more often than not. Have had a little counseling on this. Will get you book, though no lie–just reading these posts make me very nervous. Thank you for your being so open and for your willingness to minister to couples in this area where not much really helpful is being said. You don’t have to try to answer this. Really just venting.:) Blessings to you!

  12. Crafty Mama
    April 9, 2013

    This is great advice. For so many years, I just didn’t feel much when we had sex. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I focus on the feeling and sensation of our bodies together, from the way his hand caresses me to how our legs rub together when we make love. It’s amazing how allowing yourself to relax and be completely aware can much so much of a difference sensuality-wise. But yes, it DID take a long time for me!! And I am still a work in process. :)

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