It’s Day 4 of the 29 Days to Great Sex here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, a Christian marriage blog where I give tips and advice about marriage and sex from a Christian point of view.
Over this first week we’ve talked about some of the barriers that we can have from enjoying sex–whether it’s wrong ideas about sex, or feeling that we’re just not attractive. I know yesterday was a challenge for many of you–trying to find 5 things to feel positive about with your body.
Today, on the weekend, I want to get really practical–and so I hope for many of you today’s challenge will be fun and easy. Let’s smooch!
Do you remember practising kissing when you were 11 and 12? You spent your nights imagining when a boy would actually kiss you passionately (and that’s really as far as the dream went, because that’s pretty much all you wanted back then). You fantasized about kissing. You dreamed of kissing!
Then you met your now-husband, and chances are those dreams became a reality when you were dating. You kissed every chance you could get.
And then, for so many couples, you got married and kissing almost came to a halt.
I think it’s because of a misunderestanding of what kissing is for. Often men think kissing is foreplay–as in, it’s necessarily going somewhere. Because many women are reluctant to put a downpayment on something they may not want to purchase later, so to speak, they stop kissing, so that he doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Kissing then becomes something that you avoid unless you’re about to have sex. But that’s too bad, because kissing actually makes us women feel closer to our men! It’s fun. It’s intimate. And it grosses out the kids (in a good way!).
Just because you’re not sure you’re going to want to make love in the evening is no reason to avoid kissing earlier in the day (now if you always turn your husband down, that’s a problem, but we’re going to get to that later in this series). If you avoid kissing, then you deprive yourself of one of your primary ways to get your libido up–and almost guarantee you WON’T want to make love later.
Most couples only kiss today as foreplay–not throughout the day. Or if they do kiss, it’s just a quick peck. So I want you to start kissing–really kissing–everyday!
Quick kissing tips:
- Saliva: some like it. Some don’t. Find out what preference your husband has (and let him know yours).
- Breath mints are your friend. Have some in your purse and use them throughout the day (and share them with your hubby!)
- Tongue: Same thing. Some really like it. Some don’t. Keep it light! If your husband is too tongue-happy, tell him, “Let me kiss you for thirty seconds and show you how I like it”. And then do so enthusiastically!
- Use your hands. Let them caress his back, or his arms, or his head, or wherever you like!
Great Sex Challenge: Set the kitchen timer and kiss for at least 15 seconds straight. It’s amazing how long 15 seconds actually seems. And then start repeating this, everyday, during the day (as in not just at night while you’re lying in bed). You’ll find yourself feeling more warmly towards your husband, and likely more warmly towards sex!
Some inspiration to get you going (watch it with him, and then do it!)
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Love the Skin You’re In
Next:
Day 5: Reawaken Your Body
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Love it! Definitely a challenge I am looking forward to. Always a good reminder: kissing is a great way to release oxytocin (a bonding hormone) so kiss each other long and kiss each other hard.
Megan
donotdisturb blog recently posted..Q and A on Friday:
Okay, so here’s a question. What do you do with a hubby who seems to think that anything more than a good peck automatically equates to foreplay, if there’s any time to be had? LOL. I *love* to kiss, but I find I have to hold back or hubby thinks I’m looking for a whole more than I’m actually looking for!
Great question! Here’s what I’d say: Sit him down and say this, “Look, honey, I want to have a great sex life with you. I really do. But sometimes I just need to get in the mood, and if I feel like everytime we kiss I HAVE to make love, then I’m not likely to ever kiss because it turns into pressure. But kissing makes me feel awesome, and a lot more romantic towards you. So you absolutely have to get used to kissing without it necessarily going anywhere–and I think you’ll find that it’s more likely to GO SOMEWHERE! I’m not promising, but I want to get romantic again, and I think this would really help. And then both of us would benefit!” And then you do your utmost to make love frequently. I think most women will find that if they do make love with relative frequency, then the husbands stop trying to push things when you’re just trying to get romantic or have fun, you know?
This is a great post! I was honestly just thinging about this last night. Thinking about how we never kiss anymore. We make it a point to say I love you before either of us leave but I was thinking we should start kissing goodbye. AND hello! This morning I was praying for my marriage. Whenever I am thinking of putting good things in and working on it, something bad happens. Would appreciate your prayers for protection and wisdom. Thanks!
Theresa recently posted..100 days
This hit a button with me. My hubby seems to never kiss me anymore & it bothers me, a lot. How do you work with that?
We love kissing and do it alot! When I was reading this to hubby today, he said, “that’s not much of a challenge, because we do that already!” So later when we were in the kitchen fixing dinner, he said “look at your watch and let’s do the challenge”. By the time we came up for air, 30 seconds had passed!
Thanks for this, it’s something we look forward to reading together each day!
I just wanted to say that I appreciate your posts! I am a wife who is struggling in this area of my marriage, and this is really helpful.
Thanks for the encouragement, Allison!
I had the same question as Melanie – thanks for answering it! We juts don’t seem to kiss anymore unless it’s a means to that end. But I miss just kissing…
Heather recently posted..Rick Santorum — The Servant
Great post. Practical and helpful. I enjoyed reading the comments, and your responses. For a hubby to not “want more,” and for me to not care that he does is a miracle that I am anxiously awaiting. Satan is good at lying. My husband is supposed to want more. And so am I. And with that, I’m off to do a little smooching.
Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted..Comment on Sizzilin’ Soups Series: Creamy Chicken and Vegetable Chowder {20 Minute Meal} by Leanne
I fell upon this series just today and I have read the first four in the series and number 10. Every one of these posts has made me cry. Sex is a huge issue in our marriage. Thankfully, it’s our only issue but it’s huge and I hate it so much. I don’t want to do any of these things that have been suggested, I just don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. When am I supposed to kiss my husband randomly? When he gets home, it’s crunch time to get the kids into bed and I can’t kiss him until he thoroughly brushes his teeth because I have celiac disease and he eats gluten at work. On top of that, I don’t chew gum or use breath mints because they are so unhealthy and it does make me self conscious. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, by the time he gets home….I just do NOT want to be touched any more. I am touched all day long in so many ways and I am spent by the time he walks through the door.
I absolutely mean this in a positive way, but I know how the internet is, so please know I mean this nicely and not rudely.
How about in the morning as soon as he’s brushed his teeth? Make time for just him before the kids are around and wild. Talk to him openly and honestly; if you’re really interested in trying, he will work with you to make your sexual relationship better for you both. I read your later post on the flirting so I know this seems to be an issue. It doesn’t just have to be about sex, but we all need intimacy and affection.
Our relationship really struggled with sexual issues. My DH didn’t feel like I wanted him. I felt like I did and I was showing him, but I wasn’t doing it in a way that worked for him. It was all about communication (and patience, because talking about sex is hard and scary sometimes) and then making it work. Even with kids, you have to make time for each other, and that’s hard too.
My biggest hurdle was being honest with myself and realizing what I wasn’t doing and how my attitude was affecting the process. I thought I was doing everything that I could, but I really wasn’t. To make my relationship whole, and in the process myself and husband happier, I had to come to terms that I had to give too. I had to make time for intimacy and my husband.
I really hope that you are finding ways to work on this because it’s obvious that you are really frustrated. Keep praying Jessica.
Sally @ A Blessed Existence recently posted..The Hunger Games: A film review
What movies were the clips from the kissing video from?
I’m not sure of all of them. I see Romeo & Juliet, Lord of the Rings Return of the King, Pride & Prejudice (BBC version), Shakespeare in Love, Spiderman, Pirates of the Caribbean, Moulin Rouge, and then others I don’t know!
So I’m a little surprised that nobody brought up hygien! My hubby doesn’t brush or shower often. And he tends to have bad breath! Lip lock for 15 seconds??? Uhhh probably not! Im still very attracted to him but my sence of smell is very strong! We do kiss passionately sometimes and I love it! But the not brushing is a huge hurdle.