34 responses

  1. Megan Elzey
    February 27, 2012

    It really is a whole body, whole Spirit connection. I think that when we are taking care of each other, really nourishing our friendship, and thoroughly enjoying each other during the day, that “spills over” into how we are with each other at our most intimate moments. And when you see it as all being intertwined, it takes the pressure off of each individual experience. Last night, for example, my husband and I began to have an intimate time together, but by the time we were both in bed and with no clothes on, we realize just how tired we were, and that my husband’s stomach wasn’t feeling all that great. So, instead we just laid there, with no clothes on, enjoying each other’s company, and talking about our day. We didn’t feel like we had “missed out,” because that was not the focus. Being together was.
    Megan Elzey recently posted…Two years, and so much lifeMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 27, 2012

      Megan, that is such an important point: when you see it as a journey and as the whole relationship, then each individual encounter stops taking on such importance. Too often we get caught up in this pass/fail thing when it comes to sex, when the main point is the intimacy in the relationship–not whether each single individual encounter was wonderful. Thanks for commenting (and I hope your hubby’s feeling better soon!)

  2. Danielle Jones
    February 27, 2012

    As I’ve stated before, the issue of sex has been a struggle for my husband and I since the beginning. Throw in abuse, fornication, porn addiction(me), issues during sex, people living with you on and off, control issues… and the list goes on. One thing my husband has said to me recently that really struck. “When we make love, you truly let go. I’ve seen you cry more during than ever before.” Granted, that has happened maybe 3 times, but it’s true. And I think that’s a part of the issue. Being intimate does make us the most vulnerable. When you add everything else that we’ve been through, it just complicates it all the more. I hate being vulnerable. I hate knowing someone else ‘sees’ me… but, as you’ve stated before. God knows. God sees it all. Thoughts and all. A profound thing I read recently was to imagine God standing next to the bed while my husband and I were making love–God is smiling, pronouncing, “It is well. Perfect.” Whoo! That hit me. I really had to think on that and pray. Meditate and search my heart. I am getting there. My heart and shifting towards the beauty, the unity and the power of God’s design. It’s slow progress, but it’s coming.
    Danielle Jones recently posted…Fresh perspectiveMy Profile

  3. Jason
    February 27, 2012

    Married men!

    If intimacy with your wife is simply all about the “O” for you, YOU ARE MISSING OUT! God blessed us with such an incredible gift… I must implore you to stop wasting it!

    Making love with your wife should be all about the physical, sure… but add in the emotional and spiritual aspects, and WOW! What a difference it makes! It is a package deal, and leaving out any part of the package just leaves it lacking for both of you.

    My wife and I are not perfect, that’s for sure… but we have been learning to pray before making love. To INCLUDE God in our evening’s activities is an honor! Remember, HE CREATED IT! This was one of those “weird” hurdles that I had to get over. My wife kept asking me to pray beforehand, and for a while I felt really awkward about it – but I did it anyway. Over time, the Lord has given me comfort and peace in this, and now I feel that on those times when I either forgot, or CHOSE not to pray before, the experience was somehow less than it could have been.

    Sheila, allow me to say a hearty “AMEN!” to all 6 of your points in the article. I wish I had known these things as a young hubby… to take the time to ENJOY my wife in so many ways. Wow, where was an older brother in Christ when I was a young man – a man who could pass on this wisdom to me? Thankfully I am not yet “OLD-old” and can still put this into practice for quite awhile yet… as long as the Lord will give me!

    Guys, if you are still young, PLEASE take this article to heart. And you old dogs… learn a few new tricks! Your wife will thank you for it!
    Jason recently posted…Tell Us Your Story!My Profile

  4. Sexy Christian Wife
    February 27, 2012

    I like the idea of just hanging out naked more often with my spouse, we don’t do that very much.
    Sexy Christian Wife recently posted…I Knew You Loved Me WhenMy Profile

  5. Rachel
    February 27, 2012

    I did this challenge last night, and the night before and this morning…but if you insist ;)

  6. Rachel
    February 27, 2012

    BTW, cheeky comment above aside, I agree with you on this. It makes such a big difference to be emotionally connected…and that doesn’t necessarily have to mean you out pour emotionally every time, it can be as simple as laughing and teasing each other. I think feeling connected is what it is about. Actually, I think that’s why people enjoy “make-up sex” because usually, in a fight, we really share our feelings(even if it’s not in the most pleasant way). When we are done, yes we feel relieved not be fighting anymore, but we’ve also shared our emotions with each other, so we feel closer. Not always, but I think that happens a lot. I feel my friskiest, though, after we’ve had an intellectual discussion about something going on in our world or after we have laughed really hard together. So talking=intimacy=sex.

    • Sheila
      February 27, 2012

      So true, Rachel! And I liked your cheeky comment :).

  7. Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace
    February 27, 2012

    This might be one of my favorite posts of the series (although, I did benefit greatly from the first week…). Anyways, connecting on a spiritual level is often forgotten. It does become so shallow when it’s only about the physical. I think women (and men, but I only know the woman perspective) can feel used if their man isn’t connecting with them emotionally and spiritually. It makes me sad. My husband and I have read Song of Solomon together before making love – those are some of my favorite memories. When I’m particularly struggling, my husband will faithfully remind me that “this is a form of worship.” Oh, the mysteries of which I will never understand…but I’ll enjoy not knowing. ;)
    Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted…Comment on A Surrendered Marriage When You Have a Sexual Past by Leigh AnnMy Profile

  8. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
    February 27, 2012

    This is a hard concept to explain to those who have had a skewed perspective of sex or simply haven’t experienced what you talk about. But the spiritual connection involved in physical intimacy is real. It can and does happen.

    I also think that — like our spiritual connection to God — our spiritual connection with our spouse occurs not in a single ecstatic moment or even a single sexual encounter; it grows as we spend more time and effort fostering that deep intimacy. I feel more connected on that spiritual plane with my husband now than I did early in our marriage, even though the sex was physically rockin’ back then.

    You did a great job covering this topic, Sheila. So excited about reading your book!
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Intimacy After an AffairMy Profile

  9. Nicole Burnett
    February 28, 2012

    I’ve enjoyed your series and am looking forward to the deeper sections in your book. I ordered your book (actually I ordered both “TO Love, Honor & Vacuum” & “The good girls’ guide to great sex” via Amazon yesterday does that enter me in the contest?

  10. Heather (aka FLAKES!)
    February 28, 2012

    Hey Sheila!

    I JUST got on board with this blog series (we just moved so it’s been a super crazy busy month!) but I just ordered your new book – I can’t wait! :) We just celebrated our first anniversary ( <3 ) so we've had a pretty spicy few weeks (including setting a pillowcase on fire at a hotel because we were "living it up" too close to candles hahaha)… but I'm interested to read about these tips and put them into practice too!

    ALSO, small world! Rowan and Mara from "CoupleThings" are our new pastors! We're helping with a church plant that they're heading up. They did our pre-marriage counselling and Rowan officiated our wedding! I saw that you re-tweeted something of theirs and I thought about what a CRAZY small world we live in! They say hello <3

    Wish you guys lived closer – it would be AWESOME to have you in a small group :) I love you guys as marriage mentors (and I always have… I'll have to email you about my favourite memory of you and Keith from when I was younger)

    Lots of love,

    Heather xoxo

  11. Bethany
    October 18, 2012

    I realize that this is quite an old post, and that it’s a bit funny to comment on it. But I got married over the summer, and wanted both to thank you for this series of posts which have given me good things to think on, and to tell you about my awesome husband. So first of all, thank you! And second of all, before marrying, my concept of sex was very physical — I wanted to give and receive pleasure, and felt strange – almost distracted – by emotion being involved. After our marriage, my husband was the one to bring – almost insist on – emotional and spiritual intimacy and realness. He tells me he loves me when we make love and says nice things about me. I have more and more become comfortable with reciprocating, and enjoying it! It is so great to be connected in a real, and not just in a fantasy way. Hope that makes a little sense. Thesis: I thank God for my husband.

    • Sheila
      October 18, 2012

      That’s beautiful, Bethany!

  12. Mr.Earl
    June 5, 2013

    When my wife is having a hard time climaxing, I have prayed silently while stimulating her, and the clmax comes. God cares about our married joys.

  13. Amy
    November 29, 2013

    Intimacy and sex hasn’t been apart of my marriage, in fact its been very one sided and lonely. I’ve been married 45+ years
    and my husband and I only had sex once on our wedding night. This has been the only time for intimacy, sex and love that we had. He told me that sex with me was pointless, disgusting, messy, gross, smelly and something that two people should never have to do. I was the one with the problem who provoked husband into having sex. This hate went to his head and immedeatly moved to our basement and told me to never talk to him again and all intimacy with him won’t ever happen again. My story goes on and I thought I could fix everything. Here it is 45 years later and I’m just a nobody to him and some one who takes up space in the house. I’ve accepted my life and just turned around decide to just be me. At my age (mid 60’s) I don’t care any more about him or myself. I know It may not be right but that’s the way I feel.

  14. daisylovelife
    January 9, 2014

    Amy…
    As one who has experienced emotional/verbal abuse, I know how very painful that can be to a woman’s heart.. and how the enemy uses that to speak lies over our lives about who we are. My heart broke for you this morning reading this. I pray, in Jesus’ name, that you would be filled today with all of the beautiful TRUTH of Gods love for you and ALL that HE speaks over you!!! You are PRECIOUS. You are BOUGHT WITH A PRICE. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are DESIRABLE. You are ONE OF A KIND. You are WANTED and LOVED beyond all you can ever imagine by the God who made you and knows everything about you!!!! I pray you know His Love. I know it grieves His heart how your husband has treated you.. but I pray you would still care for yourself and live with joy in Gods love. There are others who need your special heart and care in this world! May you find them!! You are NOT forgotten!!!!

  15. Nedda
    March 18, 2014

    Dear Sheila,

    Your work has helped me tremendously through some rough patches of my marriage and I am a HUGE fan. However you frequently use the term “non-Christian women” (e.g. when you speak about the survey that showed that “Christian” women are most likely to have orgasms). I am a Muslim woman who saved myself for my husband (like the Christian women you describe) and am not quite sure what to make of these statements. When you say “non-Christian” do you just mean women who have no faith in God or do you actually mean women of any religion besides Christianity?

    Thanks a lot and please keep up the great work!

    • Sheila
      March 18, 2014

      Hi Nedda,

      I’m thrilled you’re here on this blog! Welcome.

      I’m not exactly sure how to answer this question, though. When I did the surveys for my book I had three categories–Christian, other religions, and not religious at all. Those who were Christians did come out as enjoying sex more and having a more intimate life, but I’m not sure that stat can honestly be taken as rock solid in regards to those with other religions because I didn’t have a very large sample. The numbers of Christians and the numbers of non-religious were quite large, and so those results can be definitive, but not the other religion categor, so I think that particular number has to be taken with a grain of salt. Perhaps there are other studies out there? I’d have to look.

      However, the stats for those who were virgins when they married were quite accurate because I had large samples of both virgins and non-virgins, and definitely the virgins did rate their sex life and their intimacy higher once they were married, and you would fit in that category.

      I hope that helps, and thanks for asking!
      Sheila.

      • Nedda
        March 18, 2014

        Thank you for your quick and honest reply! That helps clarify things and definitely makes me feel better :)

  16. biodun
    May 27, 2014

    Dear Shelia
    I have been really blessed reading through the different topics. I married as a virgin and sex was really a difficult task for me. First i was shy, a novice, and couldn’t get my mind tune to it. It started affecting our marriage. I had to go on my knees and pray. I asked God to teach me as I was a novice and he did. Its getting better and God has been faithful.

  17. Mrs. Mac
    August 30, 2014

    Hi Amy,
    It was just heartbreaking reading your reply to the post. I’m so sorry that your husband missed out on a wonderful life of joy with you. Please know that you are valuable to God and a source of joy to Him: you are his precious, dearly-loved daughter.

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