We’ve been working through 29 Days to Great Sex, looking at how to see sex in a more positive way, how to have fun as a couple, how to make it feel physically great, and how to increase the frequency.
All of this is leading up to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which is coming out March 6 (update: NOW AVAILABLE!). If you’ve enjoyed this series, I know you’ll love the book! It covers everything in a lot more detail, and is also a PERFECT gift for someone who’s recently married or about to get married. If they can put these principles in place early in their marriage, then they’d likely avoid a lot of conflict and a lot of heartache!
Today I want to continue talking about frequency by throwing out an idea: there’s nothing wrong with a quickie. Seriously.
We’ve talked about how to “spice things up” in bed by trying different positions or stretching our comfort zone a bit in safe ways, and all of that is wonderful. But there’s another way to spice things up, and that’s a “quickie”–a sexual interlude where the goal is usually just to have him reach climax as fast as possible.
Now I know I’ve been arguing that sex should be wonderful for both of you, and that it should connect us on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. How does a quickie fit into that? Doesn’t that sound like it’s the exact opposite of what I’m talking about?
I don’t think so. While I think the sum total of the relationship should be one where you both experience tremendous sexual pleasure, and where you both connect on a profound level, not every single encounter needs to be like that. And in fact, having an encounter where you’re just laughing and it’s almost like a game can connect you in a profound way, too, because learning how to play with each other is so important.
So why a quickie? After all, if we women need foreplay to feel good, then quickies aren’t going to do much for us, are they? Here are some benefits:
1. You laugh
If you’ve ever run upstairs while the kids are in front of a DVD, knowing that you have very little time, it’s funny. And then you finish, go back downstairs, and pretend like nothing happened. It’s like you have a little secret now.
2. You see how much he wants you
Feel insecure about your body? Feel like you’re not really attractive? A quickie is often the cure. Most men go to great lengths to make themselves last while you’re making love normally because they want you to have a good time, too. But tell him, “go as fast as you can because we have to beat the clock, or the DVD, or the school bus, or whatever it might be”, and suddenly you see how much he really does love and desire you. It can be a big ego boost–and that ego boost is also an aphrodisiac, since part of our own sex drives as women is feeling desired.
3. You boost your libido while calming his down
If it’s often been a problem in your relationship that he can’t last long enough for you to get real satisfaction, this can be the cure! If you have a quickie early in the day, he satisfies the physical buildup he’s feeling. But you rarely do (although some women, of course, do find quickies satisfying, but that’s the minority). Instead, you start to get your libido charging. Then, the next time you make love, he’s more likely to last longer, and you’re more likely no to take as long.
4. You add variety
It’s always good to do things differently sometimes. It shows both of you that you care about the relationship and that you want to keep it fun.
5. You lower his stress
Because many men are worried about their wives receiving pleasure they often don’t get to relax during an encounter. This lets them just focus on the pleasure, which can be very intense.
6. You lower your own stress
Men aren’t the only ones often nervous about women receiving pleasure. We often get quite nervous about it, too, especially if we’re trying to orgasm. Take the pressure off, and ironically a quickie can be the most pleasurable for many women! (which just shows that we really have to help ourselves relax, and focus on pleasure rather than on goals).
So how does a quickie work best?
1. Grab 5 minutes–any 5 minutes.
If he’s stressed about work today, try a quickie right before he leaves. Or maybe right when he gets home, or right before you head out for a date night.
2. Have lubricant on hand
Quickies are no fun if you’re not lubricated, so here’s where Astro Glide or KY Jelly can help.
3. Just go with it
Don’t worry about it. Just laugh through it, and you’ll feel really powerful! It will make you feel emotionally closer because you’ve shared the experience, and likely laughed through it. And you’ll feel desired.
Great Sex Challenge 23: Grab him, during the day, when he’s least expecting it, and take him upstairs! This one can be hard to do if you’re reading this at night together, so save this challenge until a time when you can actually do it spontaneously during the day. But do try to incorporate quickies into your life more often. You’ll likely find that they make you laugh more, and even help you to respond sexually more easily at other times.
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!
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Marriage isn't supposed to be blah! Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.