29 Days to Great Sex Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

QuickiesCanBeFunWe’ve been working through 29 Days to Great Sex, looking at how to see sex in a more positive way, how to have fun as a couple, how to make it feel physically great, and how to increase the frequency.

All of this is leading up to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which is coming out March 6 (update: NOW AVAILABLE!). If you’ve enjoyed this series, I know you’ll love the book! It covers everything in a lot more detail, and is also a PERFECT gift for someone who’s recently married or about to get married. If they can put these principles in place early in their marriage, then they’d likely avoid a lot of conflict and a lot of heartache!

Today I want to continue talking about frequency by throwing out an idea: there’s nothing wrong with a quickie. Seriously.

We’ve talked about how to “spice things up” in bed by trying different positions or stretching our comfort zone a bit in safe ways, and all of that is wonderful. But there’s another way to spice things up, and that’s a “quickie”–a sexual interlude where the goal is usually just to have him reach climax as fast as possible.

Now I know I’ve been arguing that sex should be wonderful for both of you, and that it should connect us on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. How does a quickie fit into that? Doesn’t that sound like it’s the exact opposite of what I’m talking about?

I don’t think so. While I think the sum total of the relationship should be one where you both experience tremendous sexual pleasure, and where you both connect on a profound level, not every single encounter needs to be like that. And in fact, having an encounter where you’re just laughing and it’s almost like a game can connect you in a profound way, too, because learning how to play with each other is so important.

So why a quickie? After all, if we women need foreplay to feel good, then quickies aren’t going to do much for us, are they? Here are some benefits:

1. You laugh

If you’ve ever run upstairs while the kids are in front of a DVD, knowing that you have very little time, it’s funny. And then you finish, go back downstairs, and pretend like nothing happened. It’s like you have a little secret now.

2. You see how much he wants you

Feel insecure about your body? Feel like you’re not really attractive? A quickie is often the cure. Most men go to great lengths to make themselves last while you’re making love normally because they want you to have a good time, too. But tell him, “go as fast as you can because we have to beat the clock, or the DVD, or the school bus, or whatever it might be”, and suddenly you see how much he really does love and desire you. It can be a big ego boost–and that ego boost is also an aphrodisiac, since part of our own sex drives as women is feeling desired.

3. You boost your libido while calming his down

If it’s often been a problem in your relationship that he can’t last long enough for you to get real satisfaction, this can be the cure! If you have a quickie early in the day, he satisfies the physical buildup he’s feeling. But you rarely do (although some women, of course, do find quickies satisfying, but that’s the minority). Instead, you start to get your libido charging. Then, the next time you make love, he’s more likely to last longer, and you’re more likely no to take as long.

4. You add variety

It’s always good to do things differently sometimes. It shows both of you that you care about the relationship and that you want to keep it fun.

5. You lower his stress

Because many men are worried about their wives receiving pleasure they often don’t get to relax during an encounter. This lets them just focus on the pleasure, which can be very intense.

6. You lower your own stress

Men aren’t the only ones often nervous about women receiving pleasure. We often get quite nervous about it, too, especially if we’re trying to orgasm. Take the pressure off, and ironically a quickie can be the most pleasurable for many women! (which just shows that we really have to help ourselves relax, and focus on pleasure rather than on goals).

So how does a quickie work best?

1. Grab 5 minutes–any 5 minutes.

If he’s stressed about work today, try a quickie right before he leaves. Or maybe right when he gets home, or right before you head out for a date night.

2. Have lubricant on hand

Quickies are no fun if you’re not lubricated, so here’s where Astro Glide or KY Jelly can help.

3. Just go with it

Don’t worry about it. Just laugh through it, and you’ll feel really powerful! It will make you feel emotionally closer because you’ve shared the experience, and likely laughed through it. And you’ll feel desired.

Great Sex Challenge 23: Grab him, during the day, when he’s least expecting it, and take him upstairs! This one can be hard to do if you’re reading this at night together, so save this challenge until a time when you can actually do it spontaneously during the day. But do try to incorporate quickies into your life more often. You’ll likely find that they make you laugh more, and even help you to respond sexually more easily at other times.

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

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29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!

Please spread the word about this series by sharing on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or Tumblr below! Thank you!

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  1. Sheila,

    I just wanted to let you know just how much I have enjoyed this series this month! Thank you, thank you, thank you for tackling this not-talked-about-much subject, especially in Christian circles. After reading your posts, I’m sure I will love your book and think it will be a great gift for brides-to-be : ) After 22 years of marriage, we’ve finally figured some of these things out, but if someone had given me a clue earlier . . . .

    I’m definitely going to be passing along the link to these posts and information about your book to my girlfriends. Every woman needs to hear your message. And maybe some husbands, too : )

    Thanks again,
    Pam recently posted…Because sometimes waffles say "I love you" . . . .My Profile

    • You’re so welcome, Pam! And I do think new brides will love the book (as will more seasoned wives :) ). Perhaps if we started off marriage with better information and a better attitude about sex, we’d avoid a lot of conflict!

  2. Brenda W. Scott says:

    This is kinda naughty. But i think it’s fun to try this one. It’s like adding spice to your marriage..
    Brenda W. Scott recently posted…Get more out of your iPhone with Jailbreak iPhone 3GMy Profile

  3. I believe that your basic premise is wrong here, Shelila. I will use my own previous experience of marriage here. If my wife had a “quickie” with me, then in her mind, there was no need for me to be looking for any sex within the next 3 to 4 days, if not week. She saw it as I have had my sexual release and that’s it. No coming back later for a slow, more loving, longer and gentler session a few hours later. I feel that the sooner one of the children moves out, the better, so that I can move into a separate bed and bedroom to reduce the torture sleeping together is.

    Another man in our church has confided “When she had the children she wanted, she just shut me out.” so it is not only me.

    Until the mainstream church starts preaching what you, Julie Sibert, & Mrs. HHH keep preaching, men, especially men who look for sex more than once or twice a week are seen by their wives as sex-mad perverts. We get slapped down verbally for asking. I’m sure that is half the problem with my ED. My wife has told me I do not need sex so often that I do not need it very much at all any more, because I am more often than not incapable of having sex.

    • I see your point, Fred, but I’m writing assuming that people are taking this in the context of what has already been written–and in that case, wouldn’t diminish frequency because of a quickie, but would instead enhance play, which I think is a good thing.

      I’m sorry that this is what you’re experiencing in your marriage, and that it has had spillover effects (ED). I’m actually going to address that next week, I think on Tuesday, about the repercussions of selfishness. So stick around!

      No, I don’t believe that it is only you who is experiencing this, and I hope that women who are here will read your words and perhaps recognize themselves in them (if that is the case for them, too). Because it is very common, and it’s very sad, because they’re robbing both themselves and their husbands of a great, intimate, exciting marriage.

      • Thanks for your comments, Sheila. But it still does not address the problem that the women who read this blog are most likely “the converted” and the ones who think it is “too racy” or too explicit are the ones who need to read it.

        I showed your trailers for this month to my wife and she said she was going to read it every day. She lasted to day 6.

        Twice in our married life my wife has been sexually agressive towards me. Last time I was going down with a bug and I ended up in bed for much of the next day. On one recent occassion when she was promising a sexual encounter, I suggested she be agressive towards me and I got, “Why? You’ll only be ill tomorrow!” And then she wondered at how quickly I lost the ability to have sex.

        You say “…I hope that women who are here will read your words and perhaps recognize themselves in them (if that is the case for them, too). Because it is very common, and it’s very sad, because they’re robbing both themselves and their husbands of a great, intimate, exciting marriage.” How can they understand what they are robbing themselves of when they cannot conceive that sex could be exciting, and to them it is nothing more than a chore.

        • I understand Fred, but I’m doing the best I can! I’m afraid that I can’t change anyone’s mind–only God can do that. And He gives us free will, too. I am trying to tell women how great it can be, and I’m trying to tell women that this is an important part of their lives. If they don’t understand that, I’m afraid I’m at a bit of a loss as to what else I can do!

        • You know, Fred, on thinking about this again I’ve had another thought. I think you’re right, in that some of those who need this the most won’t read it. (Although I can tell you from emails I get that many women are reading it and are changing their minds). Perhaps the problem is that the venue isn’t one with enough authority. What I’d suggest is that you take bits of this series, print them out, and ask for a meeting with your pastors and elders and ask them to facilitate some proper teaching on the subject (or, if they’re not able or willing to do that teaching themselves, then to bring some good books like my new one into the church library, and really encourage, from the pulpit, the women to read it. Perhaps if more ministers saw the need for this teaching, then the women (and men) who may be sitting in the pulpits will hear it, even if they won’t read this series. Does that make sense?

        • OffTheCuff says:

          Fred, this is a guide for women. You are a man and need to lead. Head over to marriedmansexlife.com and read the first 10 or so posts, then jump around to topics that strike you.

  4. Love this… we used to use the terms, “doing the laundry” or “folding the clothes” when our laundry room was upstairs, now we’re in a different house, but our son is older and plays video games for hours on end, so we just duck into our room whenever we want a quickie! :) I think they are good for a marriage, and for us, it just amps us up for later! 😉

  5. As the husband on our blog, I wholeheartedly endorse the art and beauty of the quickie. :)
    DoNotDisturb Blog recently posted…Q & A: Sex After KidsMy Profile

  6. This is my first time stumbling on your blog. Thank you for sharing such an important message.

    I first became converted to the beauty of the quickie when I complained to my mom about the chore of sex (I had been married for a short time and had immediately become pregnant and was always nauseated). She proceeded to give me the first and only lecture she has ever given me in my marriage. She encouraged me to be different. To avoid denying my husband whenever possible.

    It has made all the difference in our marriage. It wasn’t an instant cure (and sex during pregnancy was still occasionally nauseating, unfortunately), but eventually it has bound us together in such a deep and important way. It helps him know that I love and accept him, and it’s a confidence booster for me. And it has made our live life far more satisfying for me overall.

    Since this revelation, I’ve tried to be a quiet “missionary” about this marriage-changer. My selling point is this: what other “chore” takes only five minutes, is so much fun, and has such a long-lasting effect on your husband and the mood in your home?

    • So true, Elly! Preach it, sister!

      And I know for many women they don’t want to because they’re not in the mood. But honestly, have a good attitude about it, and jump in, and your body will follow. If you have a bad attitude about it, your body won’t. So it’s up to you. What do you want to do?

  7. One other thing: life puts in our way so many trials and challenges that make marriage difficult: children, in-laws, money… Things often beyond our control. Sex is such an EASY problem to fix (if the problem is withholding). Why not take care of it? As a wife it’s one less thing to worry about, and the positive effects spill over into the rest of your married life.

  8. Thanks for a great post, Sheila! I just wanted to say that I I highly endorse using lubricant but I would NOT recommend the particular brands of lubricant that you mention. Both Astro Glide and KY Jelly contain glycerin which is a sugar. We learned the hard way that candida feast on this sugar and proliferate which can cause yeast infections. Couples should make the extra effort to buy glycerin-free lubricant. There are many lesser-known brands that are glycerin-free!

    • Thanks for that, Sky!

    • Coconut Oil!!! Nuff said! :)

      • Coconut oil is right. The organic, unrefined kind. Solid at room temperature but instantly starts to melt at body temperature. It’s great for massages, as a moisturizer, smells and tastes wonderful AND has many natural antibacterial properties to it as well. I never liked traditional lubricants because they seemed sticky and I wondered about how safe it was to use certain ingredients in that area. Note – if you use condoms, coconut oil will reduce the effectiveness of the condoms as far as birth control is concerned.

        • Thanks for that, Hadassah! And let me just reiterate what you said about condoms–Vaseline will also damage condoms (and is really bad to use as a lubricant besides). So just be careful! Sounds like coconut oil is the way to go.

    • hippie4ever says:

      CO Seconded :)

    • yes that is so true about using the glycerin free….my wife also has that same problem

  9. Yep. I can attest to it right now. We hadn’t had sex in 1 1/2 weeks bcz I was sick for 5 days. I couldn’t wait until the weekend, so I woke him up a bit early (he works 3rd) and it was wonderful. Well, for me! He was too tired to do anything more than please me. What a guy! And it really does bring you closer.

  10. Sheila,

    I diagree with number 2 – that your ego is boosted, that you feel more powerful (during your blog, I’ve seen this repedetly).
    This has really nothing to do with how much he desires you in particular (could be any woman but since you’re his only wife, it is you), yo don’t have any power over him – it is simply biology and physiology ! that God created. And it’s the same with your intensity curve to reach climax to orgasm – it’s something bio-physiological that God created.

    Let’s rejoice in what we do but not take credit for something it’s not in our power.

    • I guess I would have to disagree with you there. I think it is a real rush to see that your husband DOES desire you. And to say that it’s just that he desires any woman is simply not true. My husband could certainly not get excited like that for any other woman because it’s just me he loves. But with so many women worried that they are not sexy and not attractive and not desired, to see that their husbands do, actually, desire them is quite a rush. And it’s meant to be. God designed us to be “captivating”, and we do take pleasure in being desired.

      I think what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t, because it’s just an animal instinct that God put there. But it is so much more than that. Yes, there is physiology involved, but the fact is that my husband is not attracted to other women, and tries hard not to look at them; he is attracted to me. And if I ever wonder if I’m attractive, all I have to do is make love and I get the evidence of it.

      I think it’s wonderful to revel in the fact that our husbands enjoy our bodies. To say that we shouldn’t take credit for it, and just say “well, he’s just reacting that way because God made him to want sex” is to take away the preciousness that comes from that relationship. And it is a very beautiful thing to be wanted. So I guess I’d tell women: rejoice in how much your husband wants you. Drink it in! It is a large part of our self-esteem, and it’s a large part of our libido, too. Our libido tends to increase when we feel wanted. So see how much he wants you. That is a good thing.

  11. thank you for your reply.

    I do agree that the husband desires the wife because there is so much more to the relationship – spiritually and emotionally etc.
    But the pure sexual act is one of bio-physiology – due to hormones and other bio mechanisms. He loves you, but you don’t have to take credit for your husband’s bio-physiological reactions as if ït’s only because of me…. The same spontan reactions have all males species – it is the design o”f God.

    The same is true for a woman: she can masturbate by only touching her clitoris for a time, and then she will reach orgasm, whether she is with her husband or without his presence and not fantasizing about any other male. It’s the way the body functions in the sexual realm: if clitoris/penis is touched for an amount of time, it will react sexually by reaching orgasm (and ejaculation of the penis).

    A woman can be desired because of the other aspects, so vital, of the relationship. But the pure physical act does not have these connotations – just ask medical doctors (if not, a rape couldn’t take place!).

    for the captivating part, please consider that Eldridge’s books are not biblically sound even if they appear to reveal some intrinsec truths about human nature – which also is debatable.

    i rejoice in the encouragement you give regarding sexual married life, but only on sound reasons – both spiritually, bio-physiologically, emotionally, etc.

    Thank you.

    • A Gal,
      I can not speak for all men, however as a man I whole heartedly agree with everything Sheila has written on this post, and I believe that you are missing the point entirely. There are times when I am overcome with intense desire/attraction to my wife for the simplest of things. Maybe the way her body moved just so as she walked by, or maybe a little smile at just the right moment. But for what ever reason, I am overwhelmed with desire and pasion in the moment and want nothing more than to “be with” her right then, right there. That is all her, and she absolutely should take all the credit for it. An erection is a bio-physical reaction to stimulation, true, but that level of pasion is 100% because of my wife, and there is no way that I could ever get that feeling from “any woman” as you say, because it is not just a “spontaneous reaction” to the presence of the opposite sex. Also, I am one of those guys that struggles with stamina in our normal love making, and I do go to great lenghts to make it last as long as posible because I want to please her. With a “quicky” I can release all my pasion and desire and let her know just how much she drives me crazy.

      Thank you Sheila for this blog, hopefully I can get my wife interested in your book soon :-)

  12. I am definitely in the Quickie Camp. Especially when our kids were little, this was one of the best ways to get that physical affection in. The foreplay for us was typically the flirtation and anticipation of it, whereas the lovemaking session only lasted a few minutes.

    And I endorse wholeheartedly the idea of churches taking a more active role in equipping married couples for intimacy of all kinds – including God-given sexuality.
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Man vs. WomanMy Profile

  13. Sheila, I truly believe all these suggestions are fantastic!! However, for is right now, with other people living in our small house, it’s not realistic.:-( I am taking all these posts and printing them, though. Even in the short time that I’ve been reading them, God is doing a work. I’m also reading Intimate Issues. Together, it’s all so powerful.
    Thank you for your wisdom and advice!

  14. What is a quickie for women, or is there such a thing?

  15. Sheila, these are great posts and all spouses would do well to read them and the comments too. I cannot recall that my church has ever said anything from the pulpit in over 10 years about marital sex. The leaders sometimes mention the purity issue, to wait until marrage, but never promote sexual activity in marriage. If my church would encourage spouses to live fullfilling emotional and sexual lives, the church would grow in membership, as opposed to the current aging of the congregation.
    This topic of quickies brings me to a question. This act is very pleasurable for husbands, of course. A man would feel very frustrated to start intercouse, and not be allowed to finish and not have his release. On the various Christian Marriage blogs some women say sex is a need for them, too. But how can it really be a physical need for women, if they can participate in intercourse, then walk away and not feel terribly frustrated ? For most men the physical need for sexual release starts at puberty, typically at age 14. Some female commenters have said that single men do not expend sexual energy, and the claim is then that men could easily go without sex for a week or even as long as 6 weeks. As evidenced by many male commenters on this blog, we see that men have been denied intercourse by their wives (who vowed to love, honor and cherish their husbands) even longer than 6 weeks, but you can be sure these denied husbands (and some wives, too) are having their release regularly. So, does a woman’s need for sex begin at puberty, or at the wedding ? I tend to think a wife’s need for sex is based more on the need for closeness and bonding. Your comments ?

    • “I cannot recall that my church has ever said anything from the pulpit in over 10 years about marital sex. The leaders sometimes mention the purity issue, to wait until marrage, but never promote sexual activity in marriage.”

      My church did, a while ago. We did a series on the book of Song of Songs. (And yes, there was specific call that if you are married, think about how often you are having sex and see if that is an appropriate number, or if it keeps getting pushed down the priority list.)

      The thing is, though, I was single at the time, and it was really, really awkward. Other singles in the church, including, for want of a better word, my ‘mentor’ (who is a divorcee) felt the same way, she even had a word with the pastor about it and he apologised from the pulpit because of it. (He stood by what he said, just that he hadn’t considered the context in which he was saying it, which is fair enough, in my opinion.) Currently, I’m engaged (thinking ahead), and I am obviously in a different place now, but I think I’d still find it awkward from the pulpit, personally… things like reading Sheila’s blog are a bit different, because I can choose to hop over, or choose not to, and I can evaluate where my head is at before I do. Not to invalidate your thoughts, just to throw my two-penneth-worth into the ring with them as well. :)

      • That’s a really good point, and one I’ve often made when people render the criticism that churches are uptight and never talk about this. I don’t actually think that’s true. I think the problem is that there isn’t a good PLACE to talk about it. I think pastors who try during sermons end up in the mess your pastor did. Most pastors, I think, would like to deal with it. But I don’t think sermons are always the place. But then we end up saying, “the church avoids sex!” No, not really true. Churches have been so open and welcoming and EAGER to have me come and speak to the women. I think it just has to be the right time, right place.

        • unmowngrass says:

          Amen, Sheila!

          And, for the record, of course I think that churches should preach on the Song of Songs. It is in the bible, after all! But just with a LOT of delicacy. 😉

  16. Daryl Zeiss says:

    Thank you so much for sharing what I consider to be what God intended. Sex is so misunderstood by so many. I lament for the many who have not and may never experience the full splendor of sexual pleasure as it was designed. May God heal our hearts and our souls of the many wrong choices concerning sex. The Lord has certainly used you in my life. Thank You


  17. When referring to Quickies, are you speaking to just women ineshating them or are men suppose to start them also?

    • Daryl Zeiss says:

      I defer to Sheila because I have determined that she is far wiser than I in this area of life. I will say however that I feel certain that it is totally O K for either partner to initiate a quickie. A woman should feel safe enough with her husband to initiate such encounters. Most husbands would probably be delighted that their wife would exhibit such behavior.

    • I think each couple is different with what works best for them. I suggest having an open conversation with your husband and say that you’d like to increase the frequency of your sexually intimacy and that you’re willing for quickies to be a part making that goal. Then, you two can decide how you’re comfortable with initiation. For example, my husband is happiest if we don’t go more than 3 days between sexual encounters. So, if on the 3rd night, I’m not interested in the whole shebang, a quickie is offered. You guys have to decide for yourselves what works best for you.

  18. Wendi Lemmons says:

    I would love to do this, but my husband is so sweet and loving that he says he would not feel right if he was the only one who received a “release.” I have assured him that the closeness I feel and excitement of seeing him pleased is more than enough for me but it’s hard for him because he feels it would be a selfish act on his part. Any suggestions?

    • Wendi: if you think you husband is up to it, just attack him. Then put every ounce of your emotion into convincing him that this is what you truly want at this moment. Make sure to tell him later that you really enjoyed yourself. He needs to know that his self image as a caring, considerate man is still intact. But have your fun.

  19. I have been happily married for almost 23 years and there is no question that making our sex life a priority is the key to that happiness. I have health issues, we have 4 kids, and my husband is away from home 3 months of the year. Still, last year we had sex 192 times. Yes, we keep a small calendar by the bed and keep track. Quickies played an important part in our success in the early years when the kids were younger and I wasn’t as willing and able to “go all out”. We used frequent physical intimacy to keep our connection strong during the tough years and now our mid life years are blessed. We are aiming for a 200+ year in 2015 and our golden years are looking pretty incredible. Wives, if you give generously to your husband it is you who will reap the most benefit.

    • You’re an inspiration! :)

      • Thank you so much! I made the decision more than 20 years ago that it wasn’t enough for me to have a marriage that just survived. I wanted one that thrived. The best and really only way to do that is to give my husband the respect he deserves and the sex he needs. And, because he is a very happy man, he does whatever is necessary to make sure I’m a happy woman. It makes saying yes to a 5 minute quickie a pretty easy decision. Also, I think most wives will discover that the more you say yes to a quickie, the less likely it is you’ll need a quickie. Once the “pump gets primed” you’ll want to experience all that your sexual intimacy has to offer.

  20. Is it true that a guy gets physically built up?? (You know, with sperm) and has to have physical release if it’s been too long? I’ve heard that was not true?? Anyone know the truth?

    • Yes, Gretchin, which is why males were have nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) after a while. But that doesn’t mean that a man can’t be celibate.

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  1. […] on Boundaries Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up Day 22: How Often is Enough? Day 23: Quickies Are Great! Day 24: Initiate, Baby!  Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life Day […]

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  3. […] children are little, quickies can be you friend! They make you laugh, they make him excited, and they get your engines going for later (since […]

  4. […] we’re aroused before we start intercourse, intercourse usually isn’t that great. Sure, quickies can be fun, but on the whole, we need some time and some […]

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