39 responses

  1. Pam
    February 23, 2012

    Sheila,

    I just wanted to let you know just how much I have enjoyed this series this month! Thank you, thank you, thank you for tackling this not-talked-about-much subject, especially in Christian circles. After reading your posts, I’m sure I will love your book and think it will be a great gift for brides-to-be : ) After 22 years of marriage, we’ve finally figured some of these things out, but if someone had given me a clue earlier . . . .

    I’m definitely going to be passing along the link to these posts and information about your book to my girlfriends. Every woman needs to hear your message. And maybe some husbands, too : )

    Thanks again,
    Pam
    Pam recently posted…Because sometimes waffles say "I love you" . . . .My Profile

    • Sheila
      February 23, 2012

      You’re so welcome, Pam! And I do think new brides will love the book (as will more seasoned wives :) ). Perhaps if we started off marriage with better information and a better attitude about sex, we’d avoid a lot of conflict!

  2. Brenda W. Scott
    February 23, 2012

    This is kinda naughty. But i think it’s fun to try this one. It’s like adding spice to your marriage..
    Brenda W. Scott recently posted…Get more out of your iPhone with Jailbreak iPhone 3GMy Profile

  3. UK Fred
    February 23, 2012

    I believe that your basic premise is wrong here, Shelila. I will use my own previous experience of marriage here. If my wife had a “quickie” with me, then in her mind, there was no need for me to be looking for any sex within the next 3 to 4 days, if not week. She saw it as I have had my sexual release and that’s it. No coming back later for a slow, more loving, longer and gentler session a few hours later. I feel that the sooner one of the children moves out, the better, so that I can move into a separate bed and bedroom to reduce the torture sleeping together is.

    Another man in our church has confided “When she had the children she wanted, she just shut me out.” so it is not only me.

    Until the mainstream church starts preaching what you, Julie Sibert, & Mrs. HHH keep preaching, men, especially men who look for sex more than once or twice a week are seen by their wives as sex-mad perverts. We get slapped down verbally for asking. I’m sure that is half the problem with my ED. My wife has told me I do not need sex so often that I do not need it very much at all any more, because I am more often than not incapable of having sex.

    • Sheila
      February 23, 2012

      I see your point, Fred, but I’m writing assuming that people are taking this in the context of what has already been written–and in that case, wouldn’t diminish frequency because of a quickie, but would instead enhance play, which I think is a good thing.

      I’m sorry that this is what you’re experiencing in your marriage, and that it has had spillover effects (ED). I’m actually going to address that next week, I think on Tuesday, about the repercussions of selfishness. So stick around!

      No, I don’t believe that it is only you who is experiencing this, and I hope that women who are here will read your words and perhaps recognize themselves in them (if that is the case for them, too). Because it is very common, and it’s very sad, because they’re robbing both themselves and their husbands of a great, intimate, exciting marriage.

      • UK Fred
        February 23, 2012

        Thanks for your comments, Sheila. But it still does not address the problem that the women who read this blog are most likely “the converted” and the ones who think it is “too racy” or too explicit are the ones who need to read it.

        I showed your trailers for this month to my wife and she said she was going to read it every day. She lasted to day 6.

        Twice in our married life my wife has been sexually agressive towards me. Last time I was going down with a bug and I ended up in bed for much of the next day. On one recent occassion when she was promising a sexual encounter, I suggested she be agressive towards me and I got, “Why? You’ll only be ill tomorrow!” And then she wondered at how quickly I lost the ability to have sex.

        You say “…I hope that women who are here will read your words and perhaps recognize themselves in them (if that is the case for them, too). Because it is very common, and it’s very sad, because they’re robbing both themselves and their husbands of a great, intimate, exciting marriage.” How can they understand what they are robbing themselves of when they cannot conceive that sex could be exciting, and to them it is nothing more than a chore.

      • Sheila
        February 23, 2012

        I understand Fred, but I’m doing the best I can! I’m afraid that I can’t change anyone’s mind–only God can do that. And He gives us free will, too. I am trying to tell women how great it can be, and I’m trying to tell women that this is an important part of their lives. If they don’t understand that, I’m afraid I’m at a bit of a loss as to what else I can do!

      • Sheila
        February 23, 2012

        You know, Fred, on thinking about this again I’ve had another thought. I think you’re right, in that some of those who need this the most won’t read it. (Although I can tell you from emails I get that many women are reading it and are changing their minds). Perhaps the problem is that the venue isn’t one with enough authority. What I’d suggest is that you take bits of this series, print them out, and ask for a meeting with your pastors and elders and ask them to facilitate some proper teaching on the subject (or, if they’re not able or willing to do that teaching themselves, then to bring some good books like my new one into the church library, and really encourage, from the pulpit, the women to read it. Perhaps if more ministers saw the need for this teaching, then the women (and men) who may be sitting in the pulpits will hear it, even if they won’t read this series. Does that make sense?

      • OffTheCuff
        February 26, 2012

        Fred, this is a guide for women. You are a man and need to lead. Head over to marriedmansexlife.com and read the first 10 or so posts, then jump around to topics that strike you.

  4. kristin
    February 23, 2012

    Love this… we used to use the terms, “doing the laundry” or “folding the clothes” when our laundry room was upstairs, now we’re in a different house, but our son is older and plays video games for hours on end, so we just duck into our room whenever we want a quickie! :) I think they are good for a marriage, and for us, it just amps us up for later! ;)

    • Sheila
      February 23, 2012

      Awesome, Kristin! That’s what we’ve found, too.

  5. DoNotDisturb Blog
    February 23, 2012

    As the husband on our blog, I wholeheartedly endorse the art and beauty of the quickie. :)
    DoNotDisturb Blog recently posted…Q & A: Sex After KidsMy Profile

  6. Elly
    February 23, 2012

    This is my first time stumbling on your blog. Thank you for sharing such an important message.

    I first became converted to the beauty of the quickie when I complained to my mom about the chore of sex (I had been married for a short time and had immediately become pregnant and was always nauseated). She proceeded to give me the first and only lecture she has ever given me in my marriage. She encouraged me to be different. To avoid denying my husband whenever possible.

    It has made all the difference in our marriage. It wasn’t an instant cure (and sex during pregnancy was still occasionally nauseating, unfortunately), but eventually it has bound us together in such a deep and important way. It helps him know that I love and accept him, and it’s a confidence booster for me. And it has made our live life far more satisfying for me overall.

    Since this revelation, I’ve tried to be a quiet “missionary” about this marriage-changer. My selling point is this: what other “chore” takes only five minutes, is so much fun, and has such a long-lasting effect on your husband and the mood in your home?

    • Sheila
      February 23, 2012

      So true, Elly! Preach it, sister!

      And I know for many women they don’t want to because they’re not in the mood. But honestly, have a good attitude about it, and jump in, and your body will follow. If you have a bad attitude about it, your body won’t. So it’s up to you. What do you want to do?

  7. Elly
    February 23, 2012

    One other thing: life puts in our way so many trials and challenges that make marriage difficult: children, in-laws, money… Things often beyond our control. Sex is such an EASY problem to fix (if the problem is withholding). Why not take care of it? As a wife it’s one less thing to worry about, and the positive effects spill over into the rest of your married life.

  8. Sky
    February 23, 2012

    Thanks for a great post, Sheila! I just wanted to say that I I highly endorse using lubricant but I would NOT recommend the particular brands of lubricant that you mention. Both Astro Glide and KY Jelly contain glycerin which is a sugar. We learned the hard way that candida feast on this sugar and proliferate which can cause yeast infections. Couples should make the extra effort to buy glycerin-free lubricant. There are many lesser-known brands that are glycerin-free!

    • Sheila
      February 23, 2012

      Thanks for that, Sky!

    • kristin
      February 23, 2012

      Coconut Oil!!! Nuff said! :)

      • Hadassah
        February 23, 2012

        Coconut oil is right. The organic, unrefined kind. Solid at room temperature but instantly starts to melt at body temperature. It’s great for massages, as a moisturizer, smells and tastes wonderful AND has many natural antibacterial properties to it as well. I never liked traditional lubricants because they seemed sticky and I wondered about how safe it was to use certain ingredients in that area. Note – if you use condoms, coconut oil will reduce the effectiveness of the condoms as far as birth control is concerned.

      • Sheila
        February 23, 2012

        Thanks for that, Hadassah! And let me just reiterate what you said about condoms–Vaseline will also damage condoms (and is really bad to use as a lubricant besides). So just be careful! Sounds like coconut oil is the way to go.

    • hippie4ever
      February 23, 2012

      CO Seconded :)

    • James Witter
      February 23, 2012

      yes that is so true about using the glycerin free….my wife also has that same problem

  9. Amy
    February 23, 2012

    Yep. I can attest to it right now. We hadn’t had sex in 1 1/2 weeks bcz I was sick for 5 days. I couldn’t wait until the weekend, so I woke him up a bit early (he works 3rd) and it was wonderful. Well, for me! He was too tired to do anything more than please me. What a guy! And it really does bring you closer.

  10. A gal
    February 24, 2012

    Sheila,

    I diagree with number 2 – that your ego is boosted, that you feel more powerful (during your blog, I’ve seen this repedetly).
    This has really nothing to do with how much he desires you in particular (could be any woman but since you’re his only wife, it is you), yo don’t have any power over him – it is simply biology and physiology ! that God created. And it’s the same with your intensity curve to reach climax to orgasm – it’s something bio-physiological that God created.

    Let’s rejoice in what we do but not take credit for something it’s not in our power.

    • Sheila
      February 24, 2012

      I guess I would have to disagree with you there. I think it is a real rush to see that your husband DOES desire you. And to say that it’s just that he desires any woman is simply not true. My husband could certainly not get excited like that for any other woman because it’s just me he loves. But with so many women worried that they are not sexy and not attractive and not desired, to see that their husbands do, actually, desire them is quite a rush. And it’s meant to be. God designed us to be “captivating”, and we do take pleasure in being desired.

      I think what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t, because it’s just an animal instinct that God put there. But it is so much more than that. Yes, there is physiology involved, but the fact is that my husband is not attracted to other women, and tries hard not to look at them; he is attracted to me. And if I ever wonder if I’m attractive, all I have to do is make love and I get the evidence of it.

      I think it’s wonderful to revel in the fact that our husbands enjoy our bodies. To say that we shouldn’t take credit for it, and just say “well, he’s just reacting that way because God made him to want sex” is to take away the preciousness that comes from that relationship. And it is a very beautiful thing to be wanted. So I guess I’d tell women: rejoice in how much your husband wants you. Drink it in! It is a large part of our self-esteem, and it’s a large part of our libido, too. Our libido tends to increase when we feel wanted. So see how much he wants you. That is a good thing.

  11. A gal
    February 24, 2012

    thank you for your reply.

    I do agree that the husband desires the wife because there is so much more to the relationship – spiritually and emotionally etc.
    But the pure sexual act is one of bio-physiology – due to hormones and other bio mechanisms. He loves you, but you don’t have to take credit for your husband’s bio-physiological reactions as if ït’s only because of me…. The same spontan reactions have all males species – it is the design o”f God.

    The same is true for a woman: she can masturbate by only touching her clitoris for a time, and then she will reach orgasm, whether she is with her husband or without his presence and not fantasizing about any other male. It’s the way the body functions in the sexual realm: if clitoris/penis is touched for an amount of time, it will react sexually by reaching orgasm (and ejaculation of the penis).

    A woman can be desired because of the other aspects, so vital, of the relationship. But the pure physical act does not have these connotations – just ask medical doctors (if not, a rape couldn’t take place!).

    for the captivating part, please consider that Eldridge’s books are not biblically sound even if they appear to reveal some intrinsec truths about human nature – which also is debatable.

    i rejoice in the encouragement you give regarding sexual married life, but only on sound reasons – both spiritually, bio-physiologically, emotionally, etc.

    Thank you.

    • Tony
      November 6, 2012

      A Gal,
      I can not speak for all men, however as a man I whole heartedly agree with everything Sheila has written on this post, and I believe that you are missing the point entirely. There are times when I am overcome with intense desire/attraction to my wife for the simplest of things. Maybe the way her body moved just so as she walked by, or maybe a little smile at just the right moment. But for what ever reason, I am overwhelmed with desire and pasion in the moment and want nothing more than to “be with” her right then, right there. That is all her, and she absolutely should take all the credit for it. An erection is a bio-physical reaction to stimulation, true, but that level of pasion is 100% because of my wife, and there is no way that I could ever get that feeling from “any woman” as you say, because it is not just a “spontaneous reaction” to the presence of the opposite sex. Also, I am one of those guys that struggles with stamina in our normal love making, and I do go to great lenghts to make it last as long as posible because I want to please her. With a “quicky” I can release all my pasion and desire and let her know just how much she drives me crazy.

      Thank you Sheila for this blog, hopefully I can get my wife interested in your book soon :-)

  12. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
    February 24, 2012

    I am definitely in the Quickie Camp. Especially when our kids were little, this was one of the best ways to get that physical affection in. The foreplay for us was typically the flirtation and anticipation of it, whereas the lovemaking session only lasted a few minutes.

    And I endorse wholeheartedly the idea of churches taking a more active role in equipping married couples for intimacy of all kinds – including God-given sexuality.
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Man vs. WomanMy Profile

  13. Danielle Jones
    February 27, 2012

    Sheila, I truly believe all these suggestions are fantastic!! However, for is right now, with other people living in our small house, it’s not realistic.:-( I am taking all these posts and printing them, though. Even in the short time that I’ve been reading them, God is doing a work. I’m also reading Intimate Issues. Together, it’s all so powerful.
    Thank you for your wisdom and advice!

  14. Clark
    March 5, 2012

    What is a quickie for women, or is there such a thing?

  15. Jim
    August 20, 2013

    Sheila, these are great posts and all spouses would do well to read them and the comments too. I cannot recall that my church has ever said anything from the pulpit in over 10 years about marital sex. The leaders sometimes mention the purity issue, to wait until marrage, but never promote sexual activity in marriage. If my church would encourage spouses to live fullfilling emotional and sexual lives, the church would grow in membership, as opposed to the current aging of the congregation.
    This topic of quickies brings me to a question. This act is very pleasurable for husbands, of course. A man would feel very frustrated to start intercouse, and not be allowed to finish and not have his release. On the various Christian Marriage blogs some women say sex is a need for them, too. But how can it really be a physical need for women, if they can participate in intercourse, then walk away and not feel terribly frustrated ? For most men the physical need for sexual release starts at puberty, typically at age 14. Some female commenters have said that single men do not expend sexual energy, and the claim is then that men could easily go without sex for a week or even as long as 6 weeks. As evidenced by many male commenters on this blog, we see that men have been denied intercourse by their wives (who vowed to love, honor and cherish their husbands) even longer than 6 weeks, but you can be sure these denied husbands (and some wives, too) are having their release regularly. So, does a woman’s need for sex begin at puberty, or at the wedding ? I tend to think a wife’s need for sex is based more on the need for closeness and bonding. Your comments ?

  16. Daryl Zeiss
    October 30, 2013

    Thank you so much for sharing what I consider to be what God intended. Sex is so misunderstood by so many. I lament for the many who have not and may never experience the full splendor of sexual pleasure as it was designed. May God heal our hearts and our souls of the many wrong choices concerning sex. The Lord has certainly used you in my life. Thank You

    dz

  17. Tina
    November 2, 2013

    When referring to Quickies, are you speaking to just women ineshating them or are men suppose to start them also?

    • Daryl Zeiss
      November 5, 2013

      Tina,
      I defer to Sheila because I have determined that she is far wiser than I in this area of life. I will say however that I feel certain that it is totally O K for either partner to initiate a quickie. A woman should feel safe enough with her husband to initiate such encounters. Most husbands would probably be delighted that their wife would exhibit such behavior.

  18. Wendi Lemmons
    August 7, 2014

    I would love to do this, but my husband is so sweet and loving that he says he would not feel right if he was the only one who received a “release.” I have assured him that the closeness I feel and excitement of seeing him pleased is more than enough for me but it’s hard for him because he feels it would be a selfish act on his part. Any suggestions?

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