We’re in the home stretch of our 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (available now!). Over the last few days I’ve been looking at some of the more contentious issues: how do you decide what’s okay to do in bed? And what do you do if one of you is more adventurous than the other?
Today I want to turn to another issue of contention: How often should a married couple make love?
Let me tell you about my journey when I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I conducted two surveys of over 1000 women each, looking into all kinds of questions, including how much they enjoyed sex, how often they had sex, and how sex had improved since they got married. I was only planning on interviewing women, but I wanted to know: how often do married couples make love?
But then I started to analyze the results, and they really worried me. Most of it was stuff that I had expected. What floored me was that 40% of women reported making love less than once a week.
So I decided that I had better survey some guys, too, to find out how they felt about this. And the results weren’t pretty.
You’re going to have to buy the book to learn what they were–I’ve got it divided into age group, and religion, and years married, and everything–but suffice it to say that there are a lot of rather miserable men. Many women are quite miserable, too, since about 25% of women reported that their husbands rarely wanted to make love, which made them feel very undesirable. After this series is over, I’m going to talk more to those women about what they can do.
For today I want to talk to you women who just find sex a chore. And so here’s a video I prepared just for you. It’s not that long, and it’s pretty funny (and helpful):
Sex connects us on three levels: physical, spiritual, and emotional. We’ve dealt with the physical. We’ll talk more about the spiritual in a few days. But it’s the emotional that I’m concerned with today, because making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can’t he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don’t want them, they feel as if they aren’t loved, either, even if that’s not what we intend.
I truly do not believe that we women understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives. Over and over again, I heard men say, “I get rejected so often that I’ve just stopped asking. It’s humiliating.” (and if you’re the one who’s feeling that way because your husband isn’t interested, stay tuned, because I’ll have a series for you in March! Though reading these posts together with him would likely be helpful even now).
If you feel like he demands sex too much, you can get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him. You’re asking him to change, but you’re not willing to change. And you know something, girls? Like I said in the video, it really doesn’t take much. Just decide to jump in! It doesn’t have to take two hours. It likely will only take 15 or 20 minutes. And if you put your mind to it, your body will likely follow.
So how much sex is enough in marriage? I would say at least twice a week, if I were forced to pick a number. But for some couples, especially when they’re younger, more would probably be good. And the happiest couples I found were those who were making love 3-4 times a week. When you connect like that, it has repercussions on how you feel about each other.
Maybe we should stop asking how often should we make love, because that sounds more like “what’s the minimum amount of sex I can get away with?”, and start asking, “how can I get in the right frame of mind so I can show my husband how much I love him?“. Make the second into a habit, and I guarantee your marriage will get better!
If you’re still struggling with this, then The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was written just for you! There’s a whole chapter on the benefits of increasing the frequency of sex, without laying guilt on you. And it’s pretty funny, too! It’s got stories of chocolate truffles, weight loss dares, sex flowers, and more!
Great Sex Challenge 22: Don’t think about it. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if you’re going to enjoy it tonight, or going to orgasm tonight, or going to get enough sleep tonight. Just do it! Ready? 1-2-3 Go!
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 23: Quickies are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!
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Marriage isn't supposed to be blah! Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.