62 responses

  1. Michelle
    February 2, 2012

    Sheila, thank you for posting these truths. I have been living in the dark and lies for too long and want to experience fully all God meant it to be. You have given me much to ponder today.
    Michelle recently posted…Wednesday’s Voice – UgandaMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      You’re so welcome, Michelle! I used to believe a lot of these, too. But God definitely doesn’t want us stuck there forever.

  2. Lori
    February 2, 2012

    Oh Sheila I loved that first point. When people understand who they are in Christ, it changes them! When we believe in Jesus, all of our past died and was buried with Him. We are new creatures in Christ. Everything has been made new. We teach this all the time to the couples that we mentor with bad pasts. I am so happy you are teaching this because it is not taught enough!
    Lori recently posted…Flicking A Baby’s CheekMy Profile

  3. Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace
    February 2, 2012

    This series could not be more timely. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. Not long, but long enough to know that our sex life needs work! :) I am really excited about this series. Day 1 & 2 have addressed a lot of the issues that I have with sex.

    “We like feeling in control, clean, and organized. Sex doesn’t fit into that mold.” I loved this sentence. Finally, someone says it. Looking forward to the rest of this series!
    Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace recently posted…Comment on We’ve Never Been Closer – One Change That Made All the Difference in Our Marriage by AnonymousMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Awesome, Leigh Ann! I think that’s a problem many women have. Sex just seems, so, well, BASE. Or icky. Or not quite proper. Anyway, glad you’re enjoying this, and I hope you keep enjoying it!

  4. megan wright
    February 2, 2012

    I think another lie we often believe is that there are “spiritual” things and then there are “secular” things. People often don’t know which category sex falls in. We need to start understanding that sex is spiritual….. as well as fun, exciting and down right awesome. Sex is a gift from God to our marriages and we will be blessed when we stop trying to categorize it in any way.

    And I can wholeheartedly agree, sex benefits me not just my husband. ;)
    megan wright recently posted…Valentine’s Day: Going All InMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Great point, Megan! We think that sex is only physical, when really it connects us on so many levels–and that’s part of what makes it so wonderful!

  5. Ollie
    February 2, 2012

    Hi Sheila, this post speaks to me. Lots of times I have had and held onto those negative viewpoints you discussed and I know lots of women feel the same way too. Never ever doubt your ministry, Sheila, it is truly a blessing to me and I am spreading the word to everyone around me. Thank you.

  6. Stephanie
    February 2, 2012

    This was a good post for me to read today. Due to some pain-related issues on my end, we’re going to need to re-boot our sex life… and I’m scared! But you’re right! Sex is good for both of us. :) I’ve gotta do better at remembering that.

  7. Elspeth@breathinggrace
    February 2, 2012

    I’m truly enjoying the series Sheila.
    Elspeth@breathinggrace recently posted…How DOES the Church Respond to Poverty?My Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Thanks, blogging buddy!

  8. Gina Parris
    February 2, 2012

    Goodness, we’re already on day 2 and I just read day 1! You’re my hero for speaking so clearly and elegantly 29 days in a row on this blog on to reclaim our sex lives. Very happy for you and your book Sheila! You’re SO singing my song.
    Gina Parris recently posted…6 Reasons Why the Devil Wants Your Sex DriveMy Profile

  9. Emily
    February 2, 2012

    I have been waiting to read this series! We’ve been married for 13 years and sometimes I feel like I could step things up a little. Thanks for this refreshing, Biblical viewpoint on sex! :)

    I have pre-ordered your book for my kindle, and am waiting for the Feb 17th release date! :)
    Emily recently posted…Face & HairMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Awesome, Emily! Hey, we all could step it up a little. Even me :). This is a good reminder for all of us!

  10. Aura
    February 2, 2012

    Thank you for this series. My dh is actually going through this with me, so you’ve got at least one male reader in addition to all the women. :)

    I really liked the “I was created for pleasure.” I did not know that about the clitoris! I’ve often fallen into the line of thinking of my body just doesn’t work, so thank you.

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Sounds like you and your husband will have fun discovering more things tonight, then! Thanks for joining me!

  11. Emily
    February 2, 2012

    Hi, Sheila- Thanks for this series. I found your blog yesterday and spent quite a bit of time here. It was very encouraging to me. I’ve been married for 1.5 years and have read lots of Christian material that has only discouraged me. I was a virgin when we married and had basically no sexual inputs in my past. We have been unable to figure out even the slightest way to get my body to respond sexually. Other resources have suggested that it is a relationship issue between me and my husband (we’re doing great!), or that he isn’t touching me in the right way (we’ve tried every thing we can think of), or that I have a mental block against sex (to the best of my ability, I feel like I have a healthy view of sex)… So reading your sight saying that it may just simply be a matter of time before my body responds was very encouraging. I’ve have about convinced myself that my body cannot expirence pleasure and to just give up. I know that isn’t what the Lord wants me to do… but after reading so much material that made me feel like I was doing something wrong or I was broken, that is where I ended up. I’m praying that I can believe the truth that I was created to experience pleasure and that I won’t allow Satan to convince me otherwise. Thanks for being an encouragment to me.

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Emily, that’s awesome! And if I can just give one more piece of advice: keep laughing and just relax! When we’re tense, our body won’t respond. Just believe that it will happen, keep trying, and most of all, keep laughing. That’s usually when things start to click! More on that this weekend…. :)

  12. Mystiqua Kimble
    February 2, 2012

    Wow! This is a great series as this needs to be addressed in our Christian circles as it is often brushed off. I think that the “world” has secularized sex so much that it does seem a little “icky” and “nasty” to some. But really it is a spiritually Holy act between a husband and wife. Only our God the Father can create a more intimate act between two people (husband and wife) who loves one another wholly. Thanks my sister for this series! ((HUGS)) You just got a new subscriber! I am doing a Valentine’s series right now on my blog and plan to address this very thing during that time. God Bless!
    Mystiqua Kimble recently posted…Day 2: Romantic Ideas for a Memorable Valentines Day TogetherMy Profile

    • Sheila
      February 2, 2012

      Thanks so much, and good to see you here! Thanks for helping to call other women to truth about marriage.

  13. Ameriah Sink
    February 3, 2012

    I love these posts! I just wish they came at a better time for me. I can’t put my heart into it right now, but definitely saving it for later!

  14. Lori
    February 3, 2012

    “I was created to feel pleasure.”
    I have to admit that was difficult for me to say. But I’m getting there!
    Thanks for this Sheila!!!
    Lori recently posted…3 in 30 February GoalsMy Profile

  15. kristin
    February 4, 2012

    Have been reading these with my husband when they come into my inbox, we are loving it! Thanks so much!

  16. H.R.
    February 8, 2012

    Another great post! Thank you. I love your suggestions for changing your thoughts from negative to positive. Thoughts are very powerful and, as you said, the brain is the primary sex organ. Can’t wait to read the next one.

  17. Danielle Jones
    February 9, 2012

    Thank you for your passion to help woman overcome this bondage. What a topic to address and in such a God honoring way.

    I am trying to catch on the 9 days and the informatio and insight is already invaluable!!

    Blessings to you and all who post here!

  18. Jessica
    February 10, 2012

    I have a really, really hard time with this. Sex does NOT make me feel good so there is no way I can say sex is good for ME. It hurts, it gives me a headache, it makes me nauseous. I also just can’t wrap my mind around it being something we were meant to enjoy. The only reference you have in this post for that, is the segment about the clitoris which is in no way a scientific reference. Are there more biblical references that actually display it as something that SHOULD be enjoyed? Everything I have read, with the exception of Song of Songs, is just about it signifying marriage and therefore babies. Just because Adam and Eve were naked doesn’t mean they even HAD sex. I don’t remember reading that they did until after there was sin and babies came into the world differently. They didn’t even know they were naked. I really do need biblical references saying it’s supposed to be enjoyed or it’s not going to change for me :-(

    • Sheila
      February 11, 2012

      Jessica, I’m going to respond to all of your comments in a post on Sunday, because I think they warrant more room. I really am sorry you’re struggling like this. I will say, though, that sex definitely came before the fall. God told Adam and Eve to multiply (and he didn’t mean to learn their times tables). So sex was a “very good” part of creation.

      I’m afraid that right now you’re not allowing yourself, for various reasons, to see it that way. I know it’s tiring when you have babies; I really do. But remember that the best thing that you can do for your children is to build a strong marriage. That’s better than anything else.

      And I don’t think you really want to live like this, do you? So if you could try to see things differently, I think you’d actually enjoy your life much more.

    • Lisa
      March 16, 2012

      I would just like to say to your mention of the book “Song of Songs” and wanting more scripture – 2 Timothy 3:16 says “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness”.
      This one scripture tells us that EVERYTHING in the bible is from God and that He wants us to enjoy our spouse sexually because He gave us a whole book on “sex”.
      A lot of problem, including my own, as is mentioned in another comment, is the fact that society has taken something beautiful (sex) and made it into something dirty. The bible warns us this will happen in Isaiah 5:20 “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”
      The only power Satan has over us is the power of deception, and that’s what he does, he tells us lies to try to get us to believe them. 1 Peter 5:8 “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
      We have a responsiblity to know the truth and through that it will keep us free from anything that the devil may throw at us.
      I really hope this wasn’t too confusing and I didn’t jump around too much, I just wanted to give you some examples that I knew in scripture that would maybe help to open your mind to the situation you are experiencing. God Bless you all! :)

      • Sheila
        March 16, 2012

        Awesome comment, Lisa! I think what it all comes down to is this: Do you have faith that God meant sex to be good? Because it all comes down to whether or not we actually believe God or whether we let our own attitudes get in the way. When we believe God, we can have hope, even if we don’t see how it can be good right now. But if you don’t believe what God says, then it will never be good. I love your use of the Isaiah verse, too!

  19. Misty
    February 17, 2012

    THANK you. These are all truths from a Biblical standpoint which many Christians need to hear/read! I have been blessed by Bible classes teaching these things, but I know SO many who are struggling due to many of the issues mentioned, as well as religious affiliated or parental induced feelings of guilt and sinfulness when it comes to sex. (comment edited)

  20. Amy P
    February 24, 2012

    When I read that the best sexual years for married women are years 16-20, I definitely read that as ages 16-20. Took me a few re-reads to get what you meant! Not to mention I’d be past my prime already…which is quite disappointing as I’ve been married for 2.5yrs with not one orgasm. That’s not long, but as someone who was incredibly excited to have sex, that’s been very discouraging and unsatisfying. Sex often hurts, it always keeps me awake for a couple hours afterwards, and it’s hard to want to get into the habit. But I know when I do that both my husband and I are happier, so I’m making an effort. And waiting for my sexual prime :) All I can say is it better be good!

    • Sheila
      February 24, 2012

      Ack! Maybe I should have been clearer about what I meant :). That’s kinda funny.

      It’s really not uncommon to not orgasm with intercourse, Amy. It does take a lot of couples a while to get the groove, and if sex does hurt, then I’d recommend learning some exercises to help your muscles relax, and getting lots of lubricant! But it honestly does get better for most people. Really!

  21. Emily
    February 24, 2012

    I have just stumbled upon your website and this post about great sex. Its so refreshing to know my husband and I are not alone and I can hopefully convince him to open his mind and let in this information to help us in the bedroom. Its so sad and heartbreaking at times when he and I don’t connect, we get so disconnected that I get to the point of almost resentment because in my head I think he doesn’t love me to want me that way any more. Again, thank you!! I will go back to reading now!

    • Sheila
      February 24, 2012

      Emily, that’s so tough! And welcome! In March I’ll be doing a shorter series on what to do when your husband isn’t very interested in sex, so tune in then for more that might really help you in your situation!

  22. Jana
    April 19, 2012

    I wish you had a way to send these out a day at a time to those who have discovered this series late. Any chance of that?

    • Sheila
      April 19, 2012

      Jana, what I’m working on is an ebook that you can download and work at together with your husband. I’m hoping to have it ready by the end of May! You can sign up to be notified of it right here. And it will have exercises and challenges for the guy to do, too!

  23. Lisa
    July 14, 2012

    Another health benefit: I’ve found that an orgasm gets rid of headaches, too! ;)

  24. Kelly
    September 7, 2012

    I was looking over this list and while I agree that sex *should* be good for me too and not just an obligation to satisfy my husband- I don’t think you can really say that sex *IS* good unless you already have the right mind toward it, which if we’re reading through this then there is a high likelihood that we don’t.
    Sex does not help us to get to sleep faster or sleep deeper or anything like that UNLESS we have had an orgasm. Otherwise it’s just exercise and a jog around the block will do the same thing for you. It’s not really the SEX that is the helpful matter, it’s the orgasm, so if you’re not already enjoying your sex, then you can’t really hold on to this as a REASON to enjoy sex because then you’d be telling yourself that you should like sex so that you can like sex… It just makes me roll my eyes.
    As far as the whole sex was meant to pleasure us thing, you’re clitoris is above that whole area where a penis enters you. Your clitoris might as well be your belly button, it gets the same attention in sex anyway unless your spouse purposefully pays attention to this body part of yours, specifically to give you pleasure- which is not really a ‘natural’ part of sex. Not to say it’s wrong at all, but sex is still sex whether your spouse chooses to allow you that pleasure or not, it’s kind of like cake- even if you have a really burned dry cake, it’s still cake but some icing would be fabulous on that cake… Sometimes people just don’t care about cake though and you can’t go putting frosting on the cake yourself so you are left eating nasty burned and dried out cake, which often leaves such a bad taste in your mouth you wonder why you even bothered to try and enjoy such a thing.

    • Sheila
      September 7, 2012

      I know what you’re saying, and I hope you keep reading this series, because I deal with a lot of these issues! As for the clitoris not really being accessible during sex, I’d just direct you to this post where I talk about how to stimulate it at the same time as you’re making love.

  25. Emily
    September 17, 2012

    I just came across your blog through Pinterest a few days ago, and I’ve started reading through this series. I just want to say how much of a breakthrough this is for me!! Here I was thinking I was all alone believing the lie that after 6+ years of being married, I was never going to be able to find pleasure in sex, thinking there was something wrong with my libido that was never going to get fixed, or blaming it on the 4 years of birth control pills, or pregnancy, or postpardum, or the list goes on… This post (3-5 especially) is EXACTLY how I have felt, but this has given me so much hope and encouragement, and I am beginning to believe it is possible for me too! I know in my mind that God created sex, but it has been hard for me to believe that I can actually experience the pleasure too, and that it’s not just about pleasing my husband. It’s wonderful to know this is from a Christian perspective. Thanks for being so open and direct. I am so excited to keep reading! :) Also, I never comment on blogs, so the impact of this is huge for me. THANK YOU!

    • Sheila
      September 17, 2012

      Emily, I’m so glad you found me, and I’m so glad that this post has given you hope! I do believe that God is a God of hope, and of joy, and of love, and I know He wants you to have an abundant life, even in this area!

  26. Kate
    October 10, 2012

    “God gave us a little piece of our bodies that was made simply to feel good.”

    I so needed to read this tonight! It touched my heart to think that God was planning for women to have great sex when he made us. I also needed to be reminded that sex benefits me.

    I will definitely be working on changing my current mental attitude towards sex as I read through these posts. I have let sin creep in unaware and have a lot of work to do to woo my husband…

  27. Melanie
    November 5, 2012

    Hi Sheila, I’ve been married for about 5 months now and I can’t seem to find sex satisfying in any way. I read tons and tons of articles about how things in the past do not matter, but I can’t find anything with my particular situation. I did not have intercourse before i was married but i did end up having oral sex and things that i still feel very guilty for. The part that makes it harder for me is that i didn’t do those things with an ex-boyfriend or someone else, i did them with the man that i am now married to. I feel like that if it was someone else it would be easier, but since he’s my husband i am always reminded of it. I feel like the guilt is going to follow me around for the rest of my life and impact my relationship with my husband. I just don’t know what to do.

  28. ButterflyWings
    December 15, 2012

    Having escaped an abusive first marriage, I got counselling and thought I had left it all behind. All the things that my first husband used to torment me with that I was ugly and disgusting and no other man would want to have sex with me – all of it I had come to realise (so I thought) was just part of his way of trying to hurt me and that it was rubbish.

    Til I got married again. And my second husband hardly wants to have sex with me, constantly rejects me, and when we do have sex, he acts like it’s a horrible chore he has to force himself to do out of duty. He has said how I look (which is actually better and lighter than when we started dating) is part of why he is turned off.

    Obviously my first husband is right, if my otherwise loving second husband can’t even bring himself to actually want to have sex with me and sees it as a chore and hates the way I look so much.

    I had forgotten all the horrible things my first husband said until my second husband told me the truth about how he really feels about my body and sex. Now I just feel so lost and broken.

  29. Mindy at Grateful for Grace
    March 22, 2013

    What if we don’t consciously think those things? I don’t, but doing anything outside of the missionary position or getting to “active” makes me feel dirty? I don’t consciously think that, it’s just a part of me now. I just shared my abortion story on my blog and if you read the most current post, it’s clear why sex isn’t something I am excited about or really enjoy all that much anymore (unless we are making a baby and then I”m very excited). I want the LORD to change me, for my husband. Honestly, I just don’t care about it for me, but I know that if I did, it would bless my hubby (and yes, I see your reasons it would help me too).
    Mindy at Grateful for Grace recently posted…After the Abortion: BoundMy Profile

    • Sheila
      March 22, 2013

      Mindy, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “I don’t consciously think that, it’s just a part of me now.” Often these negative thoughts aren’t conscious at all. We may not even realize we specifically have them. But you can see it in how we react to things. I think just constantly filling your head with TRUTH, even if you’re not entirely sure what the root is of your negative ideas, that can start to help a lot!

  30. john
    June 20, 2013

    today that when i discovered your website i think iwill fall in love with it

  31. A Woman In Need
    January 29, 2014

    Hey Shelia, I done the first challenge, and it really hurt me to see what my ratings were. You see I’m a very romantic person! I love to touch and be touched, but my husband on the other hand is just the opposite. He can care less about touching or kissing, just as long as he’s getting some. When I have to go through that all the time, it makes me not to want to be intimate with him, because I know how it’s going to play out. I just finished reading the second challenge, and I do need to start thinking about sex more, not saying that I think sex is nasty or anything like that, I just feel obligated to have sex, because there is no romance, physical touching, emotional connection, or spiritual connection. So if you can help me in these areas, I would gladly appreciate it. Thanks….

    • Sheila
      January 29, 2014

      Hi there! I understand your frustration, but maybe this will help. You need more affection and touch. He needs more sex. The thing is, though, that this is kind of like a circle. When you make love more, he feels closer to you, so he tends to touch and be more affectionate. When he’s more affectionate, you feel more like making love. And so on, and so on. When sex comes to a standstill, often affection does, too. It’s very rare to have one without the other. So often when you kick up the sex, you also kick up the affection!

      Don’t expect it to be right away, though. You’ll just likely start to notice that if you increase the frequency, over time you’re also being more affectionate with one another.

      • A Woman In Need
        January 29, 2014

        Thanks Shelia, that helped me alot.
        May God bless you

  32. Grace
    March 4, 2014

    This is a good effort, but hard to digest. For me, #5 just isn’t true. Sex does not, and has never benefitted me. I have never been able to orgasm unless there is oral sex involved and then sometimes with that it’s so intense that it’s just painful. I don’t feel any pleasure during sex and since having my second child due to a prolapsed uterus it is now always painful. I do not feel tired or relaxed afterward. Often it makes me anxious, restless, sad, and I feel quite alone. After having sex my husband falls instantly asleep and I am left awake and anxious sometimes for hours wondering what went wrong. I don’t feel connected to my husband at all, in fact, having sex makes me feel less connected. Like I am a toy or a prostitute who is here to be used to make him happy. Sex really isn’t for me and I don’t get anything out of it. I’d love it if this were just a myth in my head. But I have been married for 10 years and have honestly tried and tried to make sex work. It has only gotten worse as time has gone by. I have done it faithfully for him despite not ever wanting to make him satisfied and happy, but now being pregnant with our third child I have just given up. I’m tired of sacrificing myself for something that has never benefitted me. I’m tired of feeling used and unloved. I’m tired of working so hard for nothing.

  33. Barbara
    August 27, 2014

    Wow, as a newly wed, this sure helped me a LOT! Thank you so much! I wasn’t educated on sex AT ALL when I was younger, and now I am trying to catch up! I started thinking of only having sex to please my husband, so the parts about it getting better with time, and how to stop the negative thinking I can really relate to! I’m excited to use the things you mentioned in this post!

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