29 Days to Great Sex Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Today I’m feeling angry. Not at you, dear readers, but at the mess that our culture has made of sex.

I’ve been receiving a lot of comments and emails about this 29 Days to Great Sex series, and most of them are wonderful. But some of them are very discouraging, because sex has become such a difficult part of so many couple’s lives. It’s become twisted, or dirty, or shameful, or simply non-existent. And I read these emails, and I think: why are we letting something that God made to be beautiful become a negative thing in our lives? Why are we settling for that?

Last Sunday I did a wrap-up of where we were so far for those who were discouraged. Today I want to turn this week’s wrap-up into more of a rah-rah, like I’m shouting from the sidelines as you’re all in a race: You can do it! You can make it! Just keep going! Because we mustn’t let something beautiful be stolen from us anymore.

Do you know what one of the tell-tale signs that something is from God is? Life. Being alive is from God. Being teeming with life is from God.

And so the opposite–death–is not from God. Think about this: when evil triumphs, it’s not usually categorized by luscious trees or plants or beautiful things. It’s ugly. And even if it starts out beautiful, the ugliness takes over.

When the Mongols rampaged across Asia and the Middle East in the thirteenth century, they left behind them devastation. And desert. Many places that were not formerly deserts became deserts over the next few decades because the Mongols burned everything. And without plants, the land dried up. Destruction kills what was alive.

Think Lord of the Rings, and how bleak Mordor looks next to The Shire:

The Shire is alive; when Sauron took over Mordor, he made sure everything that was living died (except for his minions also bent on destruction).

I noticed this phenomenon in 1989 when I visited East Berlin. West Berlin was beautiful, with trees, and parks, and art, and lovely buildings; East Berlin was spartan. The people didn’t smile. Everything was utilitarian. Joy was gone.

Evil doesn’t just propagate evil, you see; it also tries to destroy that which is beautiful.

And that’s why there’s a powerful force working to destroy what is beautiful about sex. I know it’s not polite to talk about the devil, but I firmly believe that the devil wants to destroy sex. He wants to make it into something that is ugly. And he is happy when instead of feeling fully alive, we feel somewhat dead.

This morning I was reading in my devotions the story of Ezekiel and the dry bones, found in Ezekiel chapter 37. Basically God calls on Ezekiel to prophecy over dead bones, and as he does the bones begin to rattle. They form together. Sinews grow on them. Then flesh. But they’re still dead until God breathes into them.

I think that’s a picture of where many of us are today when it comes to sex. We feel dead. We’re not excited about it. It doesn’t grow our relationship; it eats away at it. So what’s our response?

I think this story shows two things: one, those bones listened to Ezekiel’s prophecy and joined together and grew. But second, they weren’t fully alive until God breathed into them (I know I’m taking liberties with it here, but bear with me!)

So what does that mean for you?

1. Listen to the Truth

God wants you to be ALIVE. With God, life is teeming, abundant, lush, tropical, beautiful. If your sex life is not like that, then listen to the fact that this is how God wants it.

Then agree with God. You’re not agreeing because you’re experiencing it; you may very well not be experiencing much of anything. But agree with God that this is the way He meant it to be.

Agree with your husband, the two of you together, that this is how God wants it to be. And let me say a word to the spouse, whether it’s the husband or wife, who has the low libido: (and I’ve had a ton of emails from women whose husbands just don’t have sex), you need to believe this, too. God does not want you this way. He did not design you this way. He wants your marriage to be alive and fun and passionate. If you feel inadequate, don’t shrug your shoulders and say, “Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do. That’s just the way I am.”
That is a cop out.

If you are severely overweight, you don’t just say, “that’s just the way I am.” You say, “I need to lose some weight, even if it’s hard.” If you are consumed by nightmares because of things done to you in the past, you don’t just say, “I guess I’ll never sleep again,” you get help. And yet somehow, when it comes to sex, we seem content to say, “I guess this is just the way I am.”

No, it’s not! God wants you to be fully alive and passionate. If you’re not there, at least agree with God that this is His design.

2. Move Together to Make it Happen

Once you’ve agreed, you’ve got to actually take steps forward. Those bones started joining together. Sinews were formed. So DO something! That may mean going back to Day One and rereading some of the challenges. It may mean going over some of the more challenging ones and really putting your heart into it. Instead of balking and saying, “that’s not for me“, it may mean admitting, “It scares me a little; it pushes me out of my comfort zone; but I know God wants me to experience passion, so I’m going to try.”

3. Let God In

But here’s the final one, and really the most important one: You can agree with God all you want. You can try to get things going in the right direction. But ultimately you cannot do this by yourself. You can’t WILL yourself to be passionate.

It is God who breathed life into those dry bones.

All of us need a breath from God today–even those of us who don’t feel particularly bad about our sex life. All of us need more passion. And when we let God in, and feel closer to Him, and let Him work, we will feel so much more alive, both spiritually and sexually. When we feel dry spiritually, we often feel dry sexually. And the opposite is also true.

If you want to be fully alive and fully passionate, you need to be passionate about God first, and let Him move. And that will have major ripple effects in the bedroom.

Do you realize what would happen if all Christian couples became fully alive and fully passionate? Can you imagine the difference that would make in our families, in our churches, in our communities? If we were fully passionate and fully alive, we’d have energy to invest in others. We’d be excited about life and opportunities and possibilities. We’d be able to love everybody more fully. But when we are stuck, both sexually and spiritually, everybody suffers.

Readers, that’s why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. If you’ve been reading this series and enjoying it, that’s wonderful. I give this to you as my gift, because I so truly want to see couples passionately alive. But I’m going to ask you now to do something that can have a huge impact. If you haven’t ordered a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex yet, will you? If you want one for yourself, that’s wonderful. I have tons of tips in there, and lots more about how sexuality and spirituality are linked. But most importantly, will you buy a copy for a couple you know who is engaged, or who is in their first year of marriage? If people could just start right, then they could avoid a lot of the heartache I’ve seen in emails and comments over the last few weeks. Thank you.

And now for your challenge:

Great Sex Challenge Day 19: Pray as a couple. Take each others’ hands and earnestly pray together for your sex and your spiritual life. Pray that God will breathe passion into you that will be felt in the bedroom but also outside the bedroom. Pray that you will know what it is to feel fully alive in Him. And don’t just pray quick prayers; really wrestle in prayer before God. Maybe you have a hard time praying as a couple. That’s okay! But try to pray for at least a few minutes. Pray about your kids. Pray about your friends. As you come together spiritually, you will feel your spirits more connected. And as you ask God together, united, for Him to bless your sex life, that prayer will be powerful. So pray! And see God work.

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center

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Related posts:

1. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 18: Foreplay Can Be For Him, Too!
2. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 16: How to Have an Orgasm
3. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
4. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 9: Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day