Here we are, on Day 18 of the 29 Days to Great Sex! All month we’re looking at strategies to make the physical side of your marriage much more enjoyable and less stressful for both of you. It’s all leading up to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Do you have it on order yet? It’s 30% off now on pre-release (it releases in early March).
I hope you’ve been enjoying these challenges. We started out looking at how our attitudes affect sex, then working on our friendship, and now working on how physically to get it right. Over the next few days we’ll start asking some questions about what’s okay and what’s not, and how to make those kinds of decisions.
But first we have to address foreplay one more time! I’ve had a number of emails from women saying something like:
My husband really doesn’t “get” foreplay. He thinks foreplay is “just for me”, while sex is for “both of us”, and so if I want foreplay I’m being selfish, and I should do what’s best for “both of us”. He doesn’t understand that I can’t really enjoy intercourse if I don’t warm up first.
That’s extremely common, and the best remedy is to really talk to your husband about it. Wait until you’re both in a good mood, and having fun together, and then just start the conversation. Ask what he wants out of your sex life. Tell him what you want. Tell him that you want to be able to fully enjoy it and feel very passionate, but you can’t get there unless you have some attention first. Most men really enjoy seeing their wife respond and get pleasure, so if you can continue to communicate this, chances are he will want to help.
But part of the reason that we often rush foreplay is that it seems awkward. We’re lying there, and he’s just touching us, and everybody feels like they’re watching the clock, or secretly saying, “why is this taking so long?” The woman feels as if she’s being judged if she doesn’t get aroused (though it’s hard to get aroused when you feel rushed), and the man is feeling like this is really stupid because we should be getting to the main event.
So here are some ways to redo foreplay so that he can start seeing them as part of “the main event”, when it’s not just about you, but it’s about him, too.
1. Let Him Watch
Men are highly visual, and foreplay can begin with the way that you beckon him upstairs, or get undressed, or crawl into bed. Push him onto the bed and then make him watch as you take off your clothes. I know some of you are very sensitive to how your body looks, but remember that he gets pleasure from it, and your body is the only naked woman’s body he’s allowed to see. So let him see it.
Besides, what’s sexy is often not just how your body looks but what you do with it. Tease him about by taking off your underclothes slowly–or even while you’re leaning over him. Run your hands over your body before you let him touch you. That’s the kind of thing that will get him going!
One other thought: often the reason that we women like to get into our flannel pyjamas, rush under the covers, and then get undressed under the covers is because the bedroom is SO COLD, especially in winter. That’s certainly the case in Canada, where I’m from! It’s good budgeting to keep the heat in the house down at night. Absolutely. But you might want to tell your husband:
If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually TURN THE HEAT UP.
And here’s a simple way to do it that will still help your budget bottom line: Buy a space heater and put it on your side of the bed. Yes, electric heaters are very costly to run. But compared to heating a whole house, they’re nothing. And if you just have to have it on for 15 or 20 minutes while you make love, it’s worth it!
2. Touch Him, Too
Foreplay doesn’t have to just be for you; it can and should also involve you touching him, too. Touch him everywhere, not JUST in his genitals. Tease him a bit. And then ask him to show you just how he likes to be touched or stroked. Men tend to like things with a firmer hand than women do, which is why we’re often too soft when we touch the guys, and they’re often too rough with us. Just ask him to guide your hand.
Now, you may not want to touch him the whole time that he’s stimulating you, because he often doesn’t do a very thorough job if he’s that distracted. But doing it a little bit shows that you care about his pleasure, too. And it can also be highly arousing! Touch him and realize the power that you have over him. He wants you. Revel in that.
3. Don’t “Lie There”
It’s often the fact that we’re lying on our backs that can make it seem like we should be rushing. But there’s no reason that you both have to lie that way. In fact, there’s no reason why you have to be in any ONE position for extended periods of time during foreplay. He could sit up, for instance, and then you could sit against him, so you’re both facing the same direction. Then he can still reach around and stimulate various parts of your body, but it psychologically feels different. Many women find this a little more comfortable, too, because he isn’t looking directly at your face.
4. Rub His Body
He’ll enjoy this one: if you need to be stimulated a certain way, stimulate yourself. But not with your hand. Use his body instead. Find a way to grind against his leg, or even against his penis without him entering you, that feels delicious. This requires a lot of moving on your part, which is what he’ll really enjoy. It makes it seem as if you are eager for his body and as if you are really enjoying it, which will excite him, too. And if you keep changing positions to get an even better angle, then he’s going to get stimulated, too.
You can add some tension to it by grabbing his hands and forcing him onto his back where he has to stay there, and then say something like, “Now, I’m going to use you.” I guarantee there are few guys who wouldn’t appreciate that. Then find ways that work, and forbid him from moving. He’ll feel the sexual tension build, right as you’re really enjoying yourself.
5. Kiss
Don’t forget to kiss him! If you’re kissing, then it won’t seem as if there’s a ticking clock in the background. And you don’t have to just kiss his mouth while he’s touching you. Kiss anything! You can even kiss something innocuous, like his neck or his ears, but try to tease him and drive him crazy like that.
6. Talk
Tell him what feels good. Tell him you love him. Comment on what great muscles he has. Remind him of a great time you had last year on your anniversary. Say something sexy! If you’re talking, again you’re showing him that you are enjoying this. You’re into this. You’re excited about participating. And to men, that’s a real turn-on: to know that their wives want to be doing this.
Remember: What stimulates a man is often visual and psychological even more than physical. If you let him watch you, he’ll be excited. And if he feels as if you’re excited, having a good time, and working hard to make this wonderful, then he’ll be excited, too. So foreplay doesn’t have to be just about getting you physically stimulated. It can be about getting you in the mood, but doing it in a way that you reassure your husband that you’re excited about being together. And honestly, if you do all of those things, sex won’t seem like the main event anymore. It will all seem like it’s part of the whole package!
Great Sex Challenge 18: Put Some Effort Into Foreplay! Choose at least three of these things and do them during foreplay tonight. And I’d really recommend the one about rubbing against him to stimulate you. First, that way you’re sure that you get what you need; but second, he’ll really enjoy all the action!
On February 29, I’ll be announcing our great contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon! I’ll also be hosting a live chat on Facebook, and a Twitter party, so hit the subscribe button and keep up with the announcements, so you don’t miss anything.
- Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Next: Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below 
. Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!
Related posts:
Just reading this blog is foreplay
Then read it together!
Seriously, I know today’s post is kinda graphic. I hope people are okay with that. I just wanted to give some real answers and tips!
I love your ideas! You are like a mentor who knows everything I need to know, but no one will tell me. I thank God for you.
Sexy Christian Wife recently posted..Expectations
again well said…. not sure how you could word this post any other way!!
Reading this to hubby later! He loved yesterdays post, but he could have written it… **blushing**:)
Ha Ha! I agree that just reading these posts gets me in the mood. Unfortunately I have been sick, so we have had to wait a few nights. Hopefully tomorrow we will get to try some of these ideas!
Megan Elzey recently posted..Friday Link-Up
Some guys avoid foreplay “on them” out of fear it will get them too aroused and they won’t be able to last once intercourse starts. Usually this is an unfounded fear, and many men find a bit of contact during foreplay actually helps them last longer. Foreplay for him also adds a great deal to his enjoyment both as it happens and when he climaxes.
Paul Byerly recently posted..Singing about married sex
I just found your blog through pinterest. I sat here and read through all 18 days. You have answered so many questions that my husband and I have worried, argued (me, cried) over or just tried to ignore. My husband is working tonight, but I sent him a text saying I had an “a-ha” moment because of your posts. I am so excited to share with him the things I have learned. I thank you for being willing to write about something in a religious light and in a way that celebrates sex in marriage as sacred. Many times while reading I laughed out loud or wanted to cry because I felt like the things you were saying came directly from my heart. I have felt so many of these emotions and I admit that I had feelings as you described as feeling like something was ‘wrong’ with me.
Soo.. thank you. I feel like I can actually look forward to this journey with my husband now. I can’t wait for more. Thank you, thank you!
Oh, Jessie, that’s wonderful! What an encouraging comment for me to wake up to this morning! I pray that you and your husband will really be blessed as you read through these together!
Hi, Sheila -
My wife and I recently attended the WTR conference in Niagara Falls, and we both really appreciate the honesty, candor, and integrity that both you and Keith showed as you showed, through the examples of your own lives, how all of the aspects of marriage can truly be ‘life more abundant.’
I think that your posts over the past two days make one thing clear: despite what ‘media’ tells us, knowing how to pleasure our spouse isn’t an innate ability. It takes a lot of listening, paying attention, and a real desire to learn how our spouse likes to be touched. The process is an ongoing one – you don’t just get a certificate, declare that you know it all, and close the textbook.
Also, further to what Paul mentioned above: sometimes, foreplay can cause us guys to not last as long as we’d like, once intercourse begins – but to me, that’s part of the learning. Keep ‘practicing’ with your spouse, and learn together how to experience foreplay, and still enjoy intercourse to its fullest. Most of all, COMMUNICATE! I used to get frustrated when my wife would move my hand, because to me, it meant that I had failed. Well, the only way to ‘fail’ here is to give up trying! I am learning that, when she moves my hand, or tells me how to touch her, that she is allowing herself to be as vulnerable as she possibly could be, because she WANTS me to participate with her, and enjoy each other physically.
Wow, that’s an interesting perspective: to think that you had failed if she moved your hand. I’m going to remember that and use it in a talk sometime, because it honestly hadn’t really crossed my mind much that guys might think that way. But I’m glad you’ve gotten beyond it and see it differently now! I think we’re just both so sensitive early in the relationship that we may be doing something wrong that it’s hard to sit back and listen to each other. But communication is definitely the best thing!
I just applied some of these suggestions after reading the post this morning on my iPhone. To be honest, it took some courage. And a pair of 4 inch stilettos.
We broke the bed frame 30 minutes ago. I’m not kidding. It was the most incredible encounter of our lives.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for venturing where many bloggers wouldn’t.
It hasn’t been easy these last few years for us due to chronic illness, personal history and some significant stressors. This will change our marriage. I CANNOT thank you enough. Bless you.
I really hope we cross paths one day – I think we know quite a few people in common. I want to thank you in person for all these posts and I can’t wait to read your book.
Wow, that comment made me laugh so much! Way to go. Glad you’re looking forward to the book! There will definitely be a follow up one based on these posts, I think, given the response that they’re getting!
This sort of honest talk is what is often so helpful for married couples. Thanks for speaking frankly and practically about the beauty of intimacy. I am enjoying this series so much!
On a side note, I wondered when one of us Christian sex bloggers would get around to using the word “grind” in a post. I am noting that you went there first.
LOL.
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Finding a Good Gynecologist
BOOGER!!!! (if you don’t get the reference, it’s not my fault!).