29 Days to Great Sex Day 16: How to Have an Orgasm

Last year, after my husband and I gave the “sex talk” at a FamilyLife marriage conference, I was approached by a very determined woman.

“I have a question, and I’ve never found anyone I could ask. What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Many women do not experience orgasm during sex. In the surveys that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, around 65% regularly orgasm during intercourse, but that leaves 35% who don’t. And some of those 35% have never had an orgasm at all.

I know this is a really sensitive and rather personal topic, but you can’t write 29 Days to Great Sex without talking about it! We’ve looked at how to increase friendship, self-esteem, play, and attitude, and today I want to spend today on something far more physically important because I know there are many women, like my conference participant, who honestly want to know.

So here’s what an orgasm is:

It’s the height of sexual pleasure. You tend to climax right after an exquisite tension when, if your husband stopped doing whatever he was doing, you’d likely burst out into tears. When you do orgasm, waves pass over you. Your legs tend to stiffen up. Your head often goes from side to side. And your vaginal muscles contract. Plus it feels very good.

Most women find it easier to orgasm to their husbands touching them than they do during intercourse, because the stimulation is more direct (we’ll talk about why this is tomorrow). But what do you do if you’ve never experienced an orgasm, or if they tend to be rather rare?

I’ve asked J from Hot, Holy and Humorous to share some thoughts, and then I’ll share some extras of my own. Here’s J:

I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:

“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”

Without further ado, here’s my rendition of:

How to Orgasm

1. Don’t try

Yes, it’s a worthy goal. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

2. Learn about your body.

There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. (Note from Sheila: I’ve got a ton of this in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!).

Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

3. Slow way down.

Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

4. Focus on the sensations.

The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and – sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

5. Communicate.

Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Moans and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot.

6. Surrender to the moment.

Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.

Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote. By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. But for women, sex can be great even without one.

Thanks, J!

Great tips. Let me give a little more perspective from my surveys. Women are more likely to orgasm once they’ve been married for a few years, so if it takes a while for things to work, that’s okay. Orgasm is the ultimate letting go; when you’re still shy early in your marriage, that can be difficult. Don’t worry about it. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get there (like those elusive shoes J talked about).

Now, some positions do make orgasm easier than others, and we’ll talk about that tomorrow. But for today, I like J’s advice: concentrate on pleasure first, and then how learning to relax, and it’s more likely to happen. One last thought for the men: if you put too much pressure on your wife to orgasm, and feel like a failure if she doesn’t, then she’s less likely to want to make love if she thinks she may not reach climax. It’s great to want to pleasure her; to pressure her, though, can often backfire. Just take things slowly, laugh a lot, leave time to explore, and let things happen as they happen.

And I have three chapters in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on how to make sex feel great–including what to do if that orgasm just isn’t occurring. So the book has lots more tips there, and it’s 30% off until March 6!

Great Sex Challenge 16: Learn how to be completely mentally present while making love, and how to concentrate on the pleasure that you’re feeling. Redo yesterday’s challenge to concentrate on foreplay, and then take it one step further. If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, try to prolong foreplay to see if it happens. Concentrate on the pleasure, concentrate on what your body is feeling, and relax. If you have experienced orgasm through ways other than intercourse, but have a hard time experiencing one through intercourse, then spend a ton of time on foreplay, and then only start making love when you’re very excited. Keep concentrating on what your body is feeling, and learn to revel in the pleasure. Then just see what happens!

Tomorrow: More on how to experience pleasure by looking at the clitoris

Still 30% off at Amazon!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Next:
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Children
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness in your Sexual Life
Day 29: A Round-Up and a Party!

Remember to hit the Share buttons to share on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! (or any other buttons below . Let’s spread the word about the series, and help other marriages thrive!

Related posts:

1. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
2. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 5: Reawaken Your Body
3. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 2: Starting Fresh
4. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 1: The Act of Marriage