51 responses

  1. Megan Elzey
    February 16, 2012

    Yes! Hee hee, I think you will enjoy this story. I texted my husband yesterday (who was away on his third day at a conference and about to be coming home) to remind him that it was is dad’s birthday, and he replied, “Oh crap yea!” I texted him back and said that that reminded me of something I would be saying later that night (blush).
    Megan Elzey recently posted…Seasons of MarriageMy Profile

  2. Sexy Christian Wife
    February 16, 2012

    When we were first married, it helped me to focus on clouds to help relax me so that I could orgasm. My husband thought it was so weird, but I would just escape to my happy place where the clouds just drifted and flowed and stopped thinking about sex and it would happen.
    Sexy Christian Wife recently posted…A Love Letter From My HusbandMy Profile

  3. donotdisturb blog
    February 16, 2012

    What a great explanation of orgasm and how to achieve it. I so often want to let women know that the approach to learning your body and figuring out how to orgasm is not a selfish thing but a great gift to your husband. I’ve been told that many men enjoy their wife’s orgasm even more than their own. And when it comes to experiencing multiples…that is a whole different story. Great post!
    donotdisturb blog recently posted…Sex is….Not a Dirty WordMy Profile

  4. Anonymous
    February 16, 2012

    Another tip- don’t forget to breathe! I know it sounds silly, but sometimes we (I) get caught up in the little breaths of excitement that I’m stopping the full arousal and pleasure (because I’m not fully relaxed). When I pause and take a deep breath, it can then send me over the edge. (And it also helps prevent a post-coital headache.)

    • Sheila
      February 16, 2012

      Great tip! Thank you!

  5. jonny’smum
    February 16, 2012

    Really agree with the comment about husband’s thinking that orgasm is where it is at – and that if I don’t then he / we have not ‘done it right’.
    Due to health reasons we tend to have less intercourse and more non-penetrative sex than previously – which certainly results in more orgasms – but I kinda miss the intimacy and connectedness of penetration. (Now there’s a topic Sheila.)
    I also find that it is me who is more interested in sex than my husband – too busy, too tired (aren’t we all) but I appreciate the physical release and the rejoicing in being alive and together whereas he doesn’t find it to be helpful for stress or insomnia….

  6. Kayla Arrowood
    February 16, 2012

    Wow I would of never guessed it was honestly so hard to let go for some woman… Marriage through the years though has changed our sex life. So I guess being married longer makes your husband and you more connected and comfy with each other…??? Be cause I have one every time we are together… Maybe once a month it doesn’t show up however almost daily it does… I must be blessed lol – cause it sure does top the icing on the cake lol… Pleasure with my husband can’t be beat…

    Thanks for posting this wonderful series!! Ive enjoyed reading every single day!!
    Kayla Arrowood recently posted…Classical Conversation PresentationsMy Profile

  7. Crafty Mama
    February 16, 2012

    Glad to hear number four is normal and is not just a “me” thing! ;) Thanks again for your willingness to be so candid!!

  8. kristin
    February 17, 2012

    breathe and relax… it will happen!

  9. Laura
    February 20, 2012

    I’ve never had an orgasm, but my husband thinks I have. He feels like less of a man if he knows I don’t have one, so I fake it. I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not working for me. I love him, and I love sex with him. I just don’t want to disappoint him or make him feel like a failure or like he’s not enough of a man for the job, so to speak.

    • Lily
      August 10, 2012

      Laura – have you tried different positions? I find I don’t climax in missionary position (or doggy style but I find that painful so never do it that way) – but I have had lots of orgasms by being on top of my husband because I can control the rubbing (which really has to be a forward and back movement – not up and down). This stimulates the whole vaginal area from front to back and that in conjunction with your emotional love and feelings for your husband, and any little fantasy you might have to accompany it ( you are the active partner – not the passive in this), will just send you over the top! It’s worth a try.

  10. OffTheCuff
    February 26, 2012

    Laura, you are training him to do it wrong. It’s like feeding your kid chocolate when he poops on the coach. You get more poop.

    Try never faking anything, reinforcing what does feel good, and trying lots of different things.

  11. OffTheCuff
    February 26, 2012

    *couch.

    (You’d have one pissed off Coach…)

  12. Lily
    August 10, 2012

    Sometimes position makes a BIG difference. I have never orgasmed in missionary position – but I have orgasmed many times when I am on top of my husband because I can control the rubbing (which really has to be a forward and back movement – not up and down!) This stimulates the whole vaginal area from front to back and that in conjunction with your emotional love and feelings for your husband, and any little fantasy you might have to accompany it ( you are the active partner – not the passive in this), will just send you over the top! It’s worth a try.

  13. Anonymous
    August 10, 2012

    Lily, I’m not sure about the fantasy thing… Sheila?

    • Lily
      August 18, 2012

      Well not sure if I should tell ! It’s nothing really sordid. Should we talk about our sexual fantasies and admit to them?

      Does everyone have sexual fantasies?

      Can having sexual fantasies help our sex lives?

      Are they OK with God?

      Sexual fantasies raise so many questions. I haven’t a clue in many ways, all I know is mine help me to enjoy my sex life with my husband.

      I suppose it depends on the fantasy. There are some fantasy places I wouldn’t want to go.

      When I was younger I never had any at all, but as I got older, some emerged. Maybe it’s a psychological thing? Should we resist them?

      For me, my fantasy is about bringing my husband enormous physical pleasure in a certain setting – I haven’t told him all the details, but sometimes we like to talk during our love-making and he owuld get an idea then. He’s perfectly happy about it.

      My husband is a committed Christian and we’ve been married 20+ plus years so we’ve been on quite a sexual journey together, and because we know each other really well sexually we are very relaxed with each other.

      He has had sexual fantasies too in the past (sometimes they surface, but we both try to quel them because his tend to be unhealthy.

      I struggled with my husband’s sexual fantasies for many years because he liked to act them out which I tried to do to give him as full arousal as possible – we both yielded to his because I thought it gave him pleasure and he thought because it made him hard it gave me pleasure!! ….but it didn’t because I hated it really – they crossed a boundary with me emotionally (my fantasy is in my head so does not require any “acting out”). His fantasies caused me some emotional damage, and I reached breaking point with them and told him how I felt, and after talking about his fantasies openly and frankly he admitted he did not like his sexual fantasies either – that they were damaging and ungodly and did not glorify God. So we have stopped them, and we have found other ways to get him fully aroused.

      Unfortunately my husband’s unhealthy sexual fantasies seem to have been caused at an early age as a young boy where he interpreted pain to be an expression of love, and so his first erection was caused in a particularly manner by an adult in authority. There is a special name for it but I have forgotten it, but adults should be careful because certain things can affect children’s sexuality in negative ways.

      Anyway, I hope that gives an insight Sheila – thank you for your question, but I don’t really know the “right” answer. Thank you for your blog which helps people talk about difficult issues which they can feel quite alone in.

  14. Scott L Vannatter
    August 14, 2012

    Great Read, Marisa.
    There is a lot stated in your writing and in the book that I think most women don’t know.
    I agreed with much of it. I have read a lot of books and talked to a lot of women throughout my life on the subject of sex. It is a special time for a couple, but it does not just work automatically. If a couple can realize and discuss this and work together on it, then the sparks will fly.
    Scott

  15. Lily
    August 18, 2012

    Ooops sorry that wasn’t Sheila’s question about the fantasy – it was Anonymous’s! But I would be interested if Sheila has any views on how sexual fantasies can assist in achieving orgasms, and whether they are OK. I guess God gave us our minds and imaginations, though they do need some regulating if they cross a boundary.

  16. Peggy
    August 28, 2012

    I had trouble having an orgasm until i was able to give one to myself. My husband would get me close but it was like i was unable to finish. So one day in the shower where we have a hand held shower head i used the adjustable pressure spray and was able to achieve an orgasm. It was a small one but it was almost like i removed the expectation off my husband and myself. I thought there was something wrong with me when i couldn’t. My husband tried doing lots of different things but i just wasn’t able to achieve it. Once i realized i could have one it was like the pressure was off the both of us. Now i still don’t always achieve one everytime we make love. But there have been a few times where i have had multiple orgasms in one night. So now I don’t feel like I always have to have one. As long as i love what my husband is doing to me it’s all that matters because I know I’ll eventually “get my turn”. Lol

    • Crystal
      September 7, 2012

      I am trying to figure out how women have multiples in 1 night. Go Girls!! LOL

  17. Carrie
    September 5, 2012

    I have question that is related to this but not… I have always thought I was having orgasms, and they came relatively easy to me. But lately I’ve gotten that same experience just from kissing. I see 2 possibilities. Either what I thought was an orgasm isn’t, or it is, and I just get them easily. Any ideas?

  18. E.B
    March 14, 2013

    Hello Sheila,
    Thank you for the wonderful articles. Helping women enjoy ‘the act of marriage’ with their spouses has always been a passion of mine.
    Now, here is something that I have NEVER come across, in all my years of researching, but that is a tried, tested and true trick for me when it comes to attaining orgasm (and easily):
    NEVER HAVE SEX ON AN EMPTY BLADDER!
    Just having a small amount in my bladder is the difference between orgasms or none. It may sound odd, but it’s a very simple thing we can do to help our times together be fulfilling for the both of us.

    • Sheila
      June 27, 2013

      So true! This has actually been scientifically proven. Another weird one: wear socks. Honestly.

  19. ashlee
    February 6, 2014

    I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now and I still don’t think I’ve had an orgasm either trying by myself or with him. I enjoy sex after about half way through it but often penetration can be very painful for me. It’s not about lubrication as much as my opening is very small and only a couple days out of the monthe does it feel relaxed or loose enough not to hurt. That’s typically around my ovulation time I’ve noticed. We have tried using lube but because it’s the tight pressure that hurts like the feel of stretching or ripping, lube doesn’t really stop that pain. Laying on our sides facing each other it the ONLY way he can even get in me and even that I sometimes have to really brace myself. Sometimes I think an epesiotomy would help but when I concentrate on where the pain is, it seems even deeper than just the immediate entry. Problem number 2 is the no orgasm even with purposeful and DIRECTED stimulation. Maby this is what an orgasm is but here is what happens… with clitoral stimulation the clitoris becomes more and more sensitive and enlarges. The sensitivity heightens to a point that I can only relate to how a man may describe as “I’m about to go” or “I’m close”. Meaning it feels like something major is about to happen and I am almost there…. BUT immediately following that almost climax feeling my clitoris becomes SO sensitive that it can no longer be stimulated because it went from pleasurable to ticklish but not in a pleasurable way. And just like that the feeling of “almost there” is gone and the clitoris is still too sensitive to touch for a while. This has been the story of my sex life. I can’t imagine what I’m feeling to actually be an orgasm as it’s almost frustrating to feel like I am about to do something but then don’t EVERY SINGLE TIME. My husband has tried to kind of hold me down and keep stimulating it (it’s so sensitive and ticklish that my pelvis can’t help but try to get away because it’s uncomfortable ) and that doesn’t help or even bring pleasure. If anyone knows how to get to the actual orgasm from here please give me the steps!!! My husband has tried so hard to take me to that other side and he often feels like he’s inadequate and I just tell him it’s broken. That I got a lemon… I’m really not sure where to go from here. Thanks for this blog Sheila!!!!

    • anonymous
      February 26, 2014

      I had a very uncomfortable first couple years of marriage until we we had our first child. That definitely stretches you out a bit more. That completely solved the problem for me of painful intercourse.

      • Sheila
        February 26, 2014

        Very common story! Mine is quite similar, too.

  20. anonymous
    February 11, 2014

    Ashlee..
    What you are describing sounds like you are close and then over-stimulated. At that point you need to prob try a mix of two things: change stimulation pressure/movements, and/or take a short break and have him trace fingers and hands around your legs, inner thighs, tummy – anything you like – even all around the clitoris (sometimes deeper pressure next to it and around the vulva area with his fingers can feel good) then go back to the clitoris with different movements. If it was lighter tickling movements then try a deeper pressure.. maybe him reaching around from behind you even, so his finger can lay across it with broader coverage. Extremely rapid back and forth movements, like vibration, can feel really good and move you back to the almost over the edge place after a short break.. and then into the waves of an orgasm. I will pray that you are finally blessed with an amazing release as you and your husband seek to grow in communication and sexual oneness together!!

  21. anonymous
    February 12, 2014

    Ashlee..
    One more thing.. maybe you have but try spending majority of time giving/receiving pleasure all over your body and tease at the clitoris occasionally over and over.. until you can’t stand it and need more direct touch. And still continue to back off multiple times while you want it before you’re overstimulated and then return. Like Sheila says. Pleasure..and more pleasure. God bless!!!

  22. Ashlee
    February 27, 2014

    I’ve had two children…. Both Caesarian and will never be able to give a vaginal birth. My husband always starts off with a back rub even often with coconut oil and lots of delicate caressing. We’ve been together for a decade and it seems like if he doesn’t stay stimulating me then the process of even getting close has to start from scratch if he stops for even more than a minuite or two. That’s frustrating since it takes 20-30 minutes of consistent stimulation just to get to the point of “something is about to happen” especially since it can be tiresome and we have small children and both work and need to get to bed. Typically our kids are not totally asleep until like 9:30-10:30 which means it’s 10pm or so before we can even beging to start foreplay. We usually play around until penetration a good while so we take like an hour on average which makes for an already late night. I’m not thinking about how late we’re going during the intimate times. Maybe when we have some real Alone time in the future we will try to “tease” the area. We had many married years before children of trying but just always end at the same result. Someone said maybe going from the almost there to direct ticklish was my orgasm but I just can’t imagine that would be it because it feels like I’m about to… Never feels like I did but once it’s ticklish I’m done. It can’t be stimulated anymore or at least for a good 5-10min and by then starting the process all over again is harder because it takes even longer then the first time of trying…. Usually or almost always I can’t even gets “close” again. He said again last night when trying to hold me down and continue past the ticklish stage (I could only bare 30sec of it) that it sucks that I get so ticklish. I so appreciate the advice and maybe if someone who suffered the same situation but overcame it may find this and give me the key to reaching a true climax! So I hope to get more advice

  23. Ashlee
    March 24, 2014

    So I am ecstatic to report back that last night was the first time in my life that I think my body actually became aroused. Do to a yeast infection we were not able to stimulate my private area but just from mental Foreplay and him getting in my head my lady friend began to throb and I felt very warm in that area. When I happens to look down there while showering my lady friend was double or triple it’s normal size. The hood and all was emgorged like an erect clitoris. Touching it felt very different than it has any other time. We have spent an hour or more in the past with foreplay and touch and caressing he and messaging and oral stimulation and I don’t believe I have ever had an erect or aroused vaginal area before even with all the trying. I’m not sure what exactly aroused me but I feel like arousal and how to know of your aroused as a woman is an issue I’ve never seen addressed in depth or properly. I never knew that I WASNT AROUSED all these years. I just thought I was a lemon as far as orgasm goes and that arousal was more emotional forms woman but it’s not all emotional! There was definitely a very physical female erection last night that came on me without even being touched in any way! It came through some steamy text messaging with my hubby while waiting only the kids to go to sleep! Please Sheila brig this issue or a- how to know when your truely aroused as a woman and b- ideas or steps that can get you there. For me touching and stimulating did NOT ever arouse me. I’ve never had a wet dream nor do I have sexual thoughts or fantasies. I do think I need to check my hormone levels but this has been like this my entire life. Even as a teen so hormones never really crossed my mind. One of the articles and steps I the book was to think about sexual things during the day like when doing dishes. Welp that seemed to drastically help my non existent libido and so then my husband began feeding those thoughts and BAM arousal set in! I’m hopeful that this can lead to orgasm some day :))))

  24. beth
    March 31, 2014

    Thanks Sheila for having your blog. Its been very helpful.Didn’t have the big O until we had been together for almost a decade and after having my second son. I used to fake it just so my husband didnt’t feel inadequate in any way. Being relaxed and being on top was the secret.I have it at least 95% of the time and I love every minute of it.

  25. anonymous
    April 4, 2014

    Ashlee..
    SO wonderful you both are discovering and growing together! May God bless you with full blown pleasure with your hubby!! As women so much of our arousal starts verbally and with mental stimulation..

  26. Ashlee
    April 5, 2014

    Yes physical touch has never aroused me before in my life. Actually nothing had. I didn’t even know my body was supposed to do that. We haven’t been able to get that to happen again since and I’m not sure how to become aroused since it only happened once but at least it’s proof that my body actually did experience a physical arousal response at least once in my life. I hopeful it will again someday but so far it’s still the same as it’s always been. Just feels like delicate skin. No blood flow increase no swelling no throbbing no increase sensations. We’ve tried to up the mental stimulation but still nada. I plan on asking my gyn about maybe testing my hormones next time I have my annual which is this month. I’ve asked them about sexual issues in the past and the answer they give me is more foreplay. Well we spend 40+ min in foreplay with no change in my level of arousal. So I would like to at least have my levels checked. I’m still thrilled to have experienced the sensation of arousal. At least I now know what that feels like. I am not even going to bother trying for an orgasm if I can’t even get a physical arousal. I think for all these women out there that have never orgasmed maybe it’s because they are like me and have never experienced a clitoral arousal aka clitoral erection. Even in my youth or when trying to self explore or with my loving husband this has never occurred before. It’s a big deal. I wish I knew how to become physically aroused! At least I know it’s possible for my body to do that and that it’s supposed to.

  27. anime
    April 26, 2014

    What if you’ve had many 0’s and don’t enjoy them? I hate the tense feeling leading up to it and don’t much like the explosion of sensation. I prefer calm slow touch to arousing touch. But this does not work for my husband. What I like doesn’t get him going enough and what he wants is painful and / or uncomfortable for me. It is also impossible for him to understand that my lack of o is because I don’t like them, not because he hasn’t done enough.

  28. Nikki
    May 4, 2014

    Great blog, Thank you!

    I do think its enjoyable to be intimate with a partner and ok not orgasm every time. But I wonder if men would enjoy sex as much if they didn’t orgasm every time? Maybe some men could fast from orgasming until there wife did.

    I think it’s nice for my husband to just make me orgasm. I also think of us as being in an equal partnership so when we both orgasm I am a happy woman!

    What I have found to be most helpful in achieving an orgasm is clitoral stimulation through oral sex! Or my husband touching my clitorus during penetration.

  29. Meri
    June 23, 2014

    Hello all –

    My husband is amazing – educated, hard working, independently helps around the house, spiritual leader – he’s incredible. But our sex life has been a struggle since our wedding night. What do you do when your husband struggles with sex? He is always able to perform, says he is interested, but the actual process does not seem to work. I love sex, I want sex, and my body craves sex with him. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally able to have multiple orgasms – even >10 on an amazing day.
    BUT, he struggles with pleasing me. I’ve tried to be encouraging and explain what feels good, etc. We’ve tried nonsexual exploration – just so he can sort of get to know my body and figure things out; trying to create no-pressure times of pleasure (candlelight and massage)… He says he wants to perform oral sex, but disliked it whenever we tried. I am willing to try and do just about anything to get this to work.
    But at this point, I want to give up. It’s been 5 years with no progress and baggage since the first night. Does anyone have any ideas? Anything at all?

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