Before we launch into Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, I have to show you this! My books arrived yesterday! Here’s a 30 second clip of the first time I saw the printed version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:
So cool! Get your copy here!
Okay, now back to the task at hand. In looking at sex this month, we started with how we feel about sex, leading to how to have fun with your husband, and this week we’re looking at what happens when you wind up in the bedroom together at night. Now it’s Day 14 of 29 Days to Great Sex, which means it’s Valentine’s Day! For many of us that’s a lot of pressure. Sure we could buy him chocolates and a card, but we know what he really wants. Can we deliver?
Today I want to walk you all through how desire works in women, because I think we often misunderstand it.
In movies, a couple totally hot for each other, and so they fall into bed together. They’re both “in the mood”. They’re both aroused. And so they make love.
That’s honest. They make love because they want to make love. They’re in the mood, and they’re acting on that.
The problem is it’s also not realistic.
Most women just are not “in the mood” at the drop of a hat, panting and waiting to fall into bed.
A Psychology Today article explained this well:
That’s what University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women. Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.
What does that mean for us?
It means that we need to rethink what being “in the mood” actually means.
You see, men were designed to need very little stimulation. They see something and they’re ready to go. Women, on the other hand, simply don’t work that way. We need to relax, be able to concentrate on what’s going on, and slowly heat up. It’s not like there’s a physical need in the same way (which is not to say that women don’t get aroused, or that we aren’t bothered if we go for too long without sex; only that physiologically we tend to work very differently).
That means that to make love when you aren’t currently “in the mood” isn’t lying or being dishonest.
Instead, what you’re doing is responding to your husband. He pursues you, and tries to arouse you, and then you respond. That actually makes perfect sense. Men, after all, are more the pursuer, and we are more the responder. That’s the way we were made. And so our bodies are made to respond to theirs; they weren’t made to necessarily be ready before the pursuit is actually begun.
I’m afraid that many women are missing out on how great sex can be, and what a great sex life they can have, because they figure they don’t want sex, they aren’t “in the mood” so they can’t, because it would be somehow akin to faking. But to start to kiss him when he wants to make love, and to start to let your hands wander, and to respond to his hands wandering, is not faking. It’s responding. And when you put your head in the game, as Rosemary Basson found, women do tend to heat up.
Now, if you never heat up, there could be several reasons, some of which we’ll cover in the next few days. You could have low testosterone, and if you never have sexy dreams, never get aroused, and never seem to desire sex, you should be checked for this. He could simply not have learned how to properly stimulate you, or perhaps because you don’t know yourself, and we’ll look more at that this week. Or you could have some issues with sex, such as past abuse, which you need to seek healing from. But in general, if your husband has learned what your body likes, and you make a decision to respond, your body will indeed follow.
It’s this decision part that’s so important.
If you don’t make that mental leap that says, “I’m going to throw myself into this and enjoy it”, then you likely won’t. You’ll keep thinking, “I don’t want sex”, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You have to turn on your own switch. No matter what he does, he can’t arouse you unless you decide to become aroused, because we control our own sex drive. And this, too, makes sense. If women automatically could become aroused no matter who they were with, then the pursuit really wouldn’t be as big a deal, would it? But women don’t automatically become aroused; we have to choose to let ourselves, which means that we are choosing to enjoy our husbands. He’s pursuing, and we’re choosing to be caught. Incidentally, this is what men often wish women understood. They desire sex not just for physical release, or even primarily for physical release. Sex is their way of seeing if we actually will respond to them and accept them. It’s their way of seeing whether we would choose them again. So what really interests a man is not his orgasm nearly as much as it is his wife’s ability–or choice–to respond sexually.
So how do you actually heat up? This is going to sound really strange, but trust me on this. When you’re making love and he’s touching you, keep asking yourself, over and over, “where do I want him to touch now? What feels good?” If you ask “where do I want him to touch now?”, then you’re paying attention to your body and you’re thinking about what it’s feeling. And that, in and of itself, is the key to arousal. You’re not letting yourself become distracted; you’re thinking about your physical body. And as you do, you’ll likely find that some body part does want to be touched. Just move his hand there and show him! And then the arousal will likely start.
With tonight being Valentine’s Day, many women will want to give their husbands a fun time. That’s great. Just remember that you don’t have to be “in the mood” first. You just have to love him and be willing to jump in, and then concentrate once you do. You’re deciding to accept him, and deciding to respond, and chances are your body will. (And if it still won’t, more on that in the next few days!).
Great Sex Challenge 14: Jump in and initiate sex, even if you don’t think you’re in the mood. Make a decision to have a fun time, and really throw yourself into it, and see if your body responds!
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Next: Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!
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Marriage isn't supposed to be blah! Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.