29 Days to Great Sex Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Flirt with Your Husband

When we’re dating we flirt. We wink at him. We take his hand. We give him that “come hither” look. But when we’re married, too often we stop flirting. Why flirt when you’ve already got him? And if you flirt, you may give him the idea that you’re definitely going to deliver tonight. You wouldn’t want to promise anything like that.

But there’s a problem with that strategy. For women, our primary sex organs are our brains. For us to get in the mood, our brains have to be engaged. Take flirting out of the equation, and you take away one of your primary tools for boosting your libido!

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We’re 1/3 of the way through our 29 Days to Great Sex, celebrating the launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and yesterday we looked at how to prepare for sex throughout the day. We weren’t looking at anything particularly frisky; just things to make you feel more at ease, more confident, and less tired.

But today we’re going to turn it up a notch, and look at 16 ways to flirt with your husband! Just as playing with your husband helps you laugh together, flirting helps you to laugh–and binds you together because you share a relationship with your spouse that is totally unique. Here are some ideas to get the fun rolling:

1. Leave a love note on the mirror:

Using a dry erase marker (or even lipstick!), leave a love note on your honey’s bathroom mirror. To be even bolder, draw a picture of what you want to do later.

2. Kiss in the car at stoplights!

That never gets old. And don’t forget at least one 15 second kiss a day!

3. Have a secret code phrase

Want to tell him you think he’s hot? Try a secret code phrase, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No one else will know what you really mean but him, so you can say it in front of the kids, in front of your parents, in front of anybody!

4. Play the fortune cookie game

'Opened Fortune Cookie' photo (c) 2008, ccharmon - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

Whenever you get a fortune cookie, mentally add the words “in bed” to the end of it. You’ll giggle together at a Chinese restaurant as you pass them to your husband, but no one else will know why you’re laughing!

5. Grab some flesh

When he’s walking by, smack his butt!

6. Set up a cozy love nest for watching movies

Want to watch a flick tonight? Share pillows and a blanket and play footsie, says J, from Hot, Holy and Humorous. And one respondent on my survey for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex says that she and her husband have “topless movies” where they snuggle up under the blankets minus any tops. Tons of fun!

7. Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day

If he chooses them, he’ll be picturing you in nothing but them–all day, advises Paul Byerley, The Generous Husband.

8. Leave sticky notes in unexpected places

And try to always use the same color so he knows they’re from you! If you are near his place of work during the day, stick under his windshield whipper. Get the waitress to put on his plate when you are eating out. Get the kids in on it too! (from The Generous Husband).

9. Text, text, text your husband

Text him about anything–song lyrics, memories of fun times you’ve had, what you’re wearing, what you’re thinking about, says Gina Parris from Winning at Romance.

'Texting' photo (c) 2009, Jeffrey Kontur - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

10. Stick Notes in his lunch

One fan on my Facebook Page shared this idea:

I also write stuff on his brown bag lunch. For a while, I thought it might embarrass him. But when I stopped, he pouted. They aren’t always “sexy”. Some are just sweet. But tomorrow’s lunch has written in red letters: For my Red Hot Lover! ;) *grins*

11. Flirt in a crowd

Catch your husband’s eye in a crowded room and wink at him. Pass him a note that says you’re available and you think he’s cute, says Gina Parris.

12. Flash him–but not in public!

“Yes, this is ridiculously forward, but if you do it, while he’s watching TV,and then just walk away, at least you will have raised his blood pressure – and raised your own sexual energy for a greater chance of engaging in a little more fun,” says Gina.

One of my commenters on this site also recommended doing chores vigorously–and bralessly–so he can appreciate the bounce! When you mop the floor, wear a skirt but go commando and get down on all fours to see if he notices.

13. Stick a surprise somewhere interesting

Another Facebook Page reader emailed me this tidbit:

My husband recently got back from a long out of state trip. It was late when he got home but I was expecting him :) He quickly showered and came to our room in new underwear (that was a color! something I had been longing for in a long time). He said “I have something for you” I thought it was the underwear..and I commented on how nice they were between smooching. “No I have a gift for you in them.” I thought he was just being cheeky, of course he is a gift! ;-) So I reached on in and there was a jewlery box!!!! That was not what I expected! It was a sweet gift, and his creativity was so memorable! :) He has inspired my own games of hide and seek, may it be a note written with a wash off marker under my panty line or some little item in my bra…it is a fun way to play every now and then.

14. Go commando

Forget donning knickers under that dress or skirt for your date, then whisper to him in the restaurant what you’re doing tonight. (from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous).

15. Play “Strip” Anything

Turn any board game in your home into a sexy time by adding “strip” to the beginning: Strip Battleship (an item of clothing for each sunk ship), Strip Scrabble (for every word worth 20-30 points), Strip Monopoly (every time you pass go or an item of clothing to get out of jail), etc.

16. Play Footsie

When you’re at a restaurant with tablecloths, slip your shoe off and let your toes explore his legs. Get him all worked up while you carry on a normal conversation!

Flirting Rules of Engagement:

Now, a few ground rules. When you flirt, you’re telling your husband, “I’m interested. I find you attractive. I want you.” So if you do start adding flirting into your relationship, you’re going to have to make sure you add some sex in there, too, or else your guy is going to be getting very mixed messages (and he’ll be very frustrated).

But does flirting mean that you have to follow through each and every time? No, not necessarily. But allow me to let you in on a little insight. Men don’t just want sex because it physically feels good. They want to feel wanted. Flirting is one of those ways that they feel wanted. And if it’s followed up by regular and frequent sex–say a few times a week–most guys won’t mind if you don’t have sex one night, even if you did flirt. When men get regular and frequent sex, they become much more secure and confident in the fact that we love them.

One of the reasons that men often seem desperate for sex is because they’re desperate to know that they actually are desired.
It’s not only the physical release they need; it’s that emotional and even spiritual validation that says, “I value and want you.” When they’re getting that from you regularly, then you have a lot more room to play, and kiss, and flirt, without necessarily having to make love right then and there. When you’re not making love with your husband frequently and regularly, though, he’ll be much less able to let these little things go.

So if you’re thinking to yourself, “every time I kiss my husband he wants it to go somewhere“, or “every time I flirt he wants something else“, that may be because your husband is insecure about whether you really want him, because sex is infrequent, or perhaps because you never initiate.

We’re going to talk more this month about how to get you more in the mood and how to make it more fun and less stressful for you so that you do desire sex more often. But for right now, here’s the message: flirting is a fun way to play with your husband, to boost your own libido, to get you thinking along those lines, and to make your husband feel wanted. And if it’s combined with regular sex, you’ll feel much more confident in your relationship if you throw in some of these fun ideas!

Here’s today’s challenge, then:

Great Sex Challenge 10: Sprinkle these ideas into your next few days, until they become natural. And think of some of your own! Throw yourself into them. Have fun with them. Get in a truly flirty frame of mind, and you may find that your own libido goes up because the fun quotient in your marriage goes up!

31 Days to Great Sex
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)

It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.



29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: Playing with Your Hubby!
Day 9: Prepare for Sex Throughout the Day

Next:
Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body
Day 12:
If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13:
Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14:
What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15:
What is Foreplay?
Day 16:
How to Orgasm
Day 17:
The Pleasure Center
Day 18:
Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19:
How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Children
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness in your Sexual Life
Day 29: A Round-Up and a Party!

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Comments

  1. Such fun ideas! Some I already do, some are fresh & new! Another thing I do is send random texts… (You just have to make sure & double-check that it’s HIS contact that you have selected!?! Could be a problem if it’s sent to the wrong person…)

    • I don’t have an “Iphone” type device but have inadvertantly sent an email to the wrong address. It migh be possible to solve the contact problem in this way: Create three contacts for him, or her, with the same address. Name them in such a way that the primary contact falls inbetween the other two in the list, ie Hubby1, Hubby2, Hubby3. Push of key in the Hubby2 contact. Then, if you miss by one slots up or down of the middle, it still goes where you intend and not to a unintended surprised recepient.

  2. A friend sent the link to this post in our care group because we are doing a marriage seminar right now. I have only read this one and I will go through the others as well but I have to say I am thoroughly grossed out and appalled by this entire post! The things that are suggested and are considered flirting are just nasty and dirty! I do have a problem with sex, I hate it. I feel like it’s dirty, it hurts, it makes me sick, I have absolutely no desire to do any of this ever! However, even if I did, I just feel like these suggestions are too much and they are not going to help me at all. If this is what I have to do to change things, they are just not going to change. I’m not trying to be mean, mostly I’m just frustrated and venting but I just can’t do any of these things. Again, I haven’t read the other posts yet but the 15 second kiss a day is just not natural for us. I have celiac disease and my husband has to brush his teeth so thoroughly before we kiss at all that it can never be spontaneous and there just isn’t time for him to come home, brush his teeth thoroughly and then kiss me for at least 15 seconds just to do it. Plus it feels forced. I’ve been praying about this a lot because it’s the only problem we have in our marriage but THIS I can’t do! No way! I don’t understand how anybody with kids can do any of these things anyway…seriously though, how can you be naked or topless under a blanket and not expect your kids to come out and find you that way? Our 2 year old is always coming out of her room looking for us. Plus, breastfeeding doesn’t make the ladies look very nice, more like tube socks which is not sexy and the last thing I want to do is be topless. Choosing panties? Really? I don’t even have cute underwear, nor am I going to rush our and buy cute, uncomfortable, slutty underwear just so he can think about them throughout the day. I just really feel like instead of helping me feel better about myself and about sex, that all of this makes me feel cheap and slutty. It’s hard to be hopeful about things changing when it feels this way to attempt. TMI alert but we had sex last night and I tried to make it fun, which he said it was but it just made me sick and I ended up having to go to bed early because of the pain and headache. How can a person look forward to that? I’ve been to lots of docs by the way and everybody says this is normal. I just don’t get it.

    • Jessica, I’m going to respond to your comments on Sunday, and I replied a bit on another thread. But let me just say that there is a huge difference between being slutty and flirting with your husband. Slutty means that you’re interested in having sex with a variety of men, and are trying to get other men to notice you. Absolutely nothing like that is going on in any of these suggestions. They’re just joking and laughing with your husband, occasionally by showing him parts of your body, or encouraging him to think of you like that. But he’s your HUSBAND! He’s supposed to see you naked. He’s supposed to enjoy seeing you naked. Your body is supposed to give him pleasure and excitement. That’s not being slutty; that’s being married. And it can give us women such a confidence boost to know that he actually enjoys our bodies. I’ll write more about this later, because I really don’t want to see you stuck where you are.

    • Sorry you are having such a hard time. I am praying for God to bring healing in all areas of your life and marriage.

    • And Jessica, please come back on Sunday, because I really will try to write something longer that will help. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I know other women do, too. But I don’t want you to be stuck there.

    • Hi Jessica,

      I want to encourage you to rethink your prayer on this. When you pray, you have, in all things, have the belief that God will be with you. When you pray for God to protect your 2 year old, do you already assume He’s not going to do it? That is what you are doing to Him in regards to your sex life.
      Sex is beautiful, loving, Godly, messy, embarrassing, goofy, exciting, and sometimes frightening. If you say you can’t do any of these things, you are absolutely right! I couldn’t do any of these things either. After 18 years of chore sex with a husband that was a bit clueless, I owned up to my part. I educated myself and then I educated my husband….WHAT A DIFFERENCE! My husband is so happy to understand what is what “down there” and although we haven’t gotten me comfortable enough to have an orgasm, I truly believe that God is in the process of honoring my prayers and it is heading in the right direction!

      PRAY, pray pray, and believe that you are being heard. Then educate yourself and your husband, and stop saying you can’t, unless what you really mean is you won’t, which is a whole other ball game….

    • Shameekqua says:

      Jessica, you said you had to go to bed early because of the pain, if you are feeling physical pain as a result of having sex, I strongly urge you to see your doctor! Sex should NOT be painful. It normally is a bit the first few times, but after regular sex, it should not be painful but pleasurable. If it is too embarrassing for you to discuss this topic with your doctor, perhaps google it. It’s not as helpful as seeing a doctor in person, but sites like WebMD have advice and possible reasons for why you’re feeling pain if you don’t know already. http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/guide/female-pain-during-sex

    • Jessica I feel the exact same way you do… Its all gross. dirty, uncomfortable, not something I want to think about ever period! I’m in my early 30′s… I am told I’m not normal but I have no desire for it to change, If I never ever have an intimate moment with my husband ever again It would be fine with me. He is not happy about it and does not understand how I feel. But I cannot help how I feel. To read this post and these suggestions make me physically Ill. Sex is Gross, It shouldn’t be discussed,its a private thing and seeing it on Tv and talked about and in books it makes me so uncomfortable. I end friendships with people who even mention SEX. I accidentally came across this post but saw your reply and realized I was not alone thank goodness. There are others out there who see that this is something that is not appropriate to talk about in public places its for behind closed doors only. I hope this post/thread is closed shut down. Please. For Gods sake its immoral and disgusting.

      • Kimber & Jessica – I really feel petty for your husbands . Thats all I am saying !!!

      • Kimber and Jessica – I’m not sure I’m understanding you two correctly. Sex is not immoral, dirty, or gross. Sex between husband and wife is sacred and is a command from God. Yes, the details of one’s sex life are kept private. I wouldn’t tell my friends exactly what my husband and I do behind closed doors, because, well that’s between us. I would re-evaluate your feelings/reservations towards sex. My guess is that you have a history of some sort of trauma in the past that relates to either of you having intimacy with your husbands. Jessica, you mentioned you feel ill. I would agree with earlier posts, to get that checked out. Take the time to explore your own body, with your husband to determine what you like and don’t like. Relax. It shouldn’t be a chore. Every couple is different and has their own wants/needs. Make sure you are meeting your husband’s wants and needs and he is meeting yours. If not, there is something more going on. Kimber and Jessica – I urge you to seek counseling for your issues surrounding your sexuality. I respect the fact that you want to keep it as a private issue. However, if you are willing to “vent” on a public website, then maybe it is a bigger issue to you than you initially thought. I pray for your marriages and hope that they are happy and healthy and as God intended them to be. :)

      • I think you two have a sexual desire disorder…why don’t try to check yourselves out and see if you can get this thing fixed…it’s not fair if you’re married !

    • What’s the point of being married to someone if you aren’t intimate with them. My husband is truely my best friend and love of my life. It pleases me to please him! & vice versa. Your marriage will never last if you don’t care about the other person. Obviously all you care about is yourself and you shouldn’t of gotten married in the first place then. If you cared about him you’d try to do things that put a smile on his face. I honestly feel bad for your husband.

    • Jessica, I appreciate your honesty. I really do. Our situation is similar, except it’s my husband that feels the way that you do, not myself. It has been really hard. I am praying about it as much as I can.

      We sleep in separate beds and have since we married (because he wants to, not me). I have found that very, very hard, and very lonely many, many times. I am in my thirties and am an attractive woman. Been married over half a decade now.

      If anyone feels they would like to pray for our marriage, please do. We are both godly people but my husband said he would be happy if he never had sex again. We have both experienced trauma prior to marriage regarding sexual abuse.

      Jessica and Kimba, like others have said, I encourage you to get some counselling as to why you feel so strongly about being grossed out by or negative towards sex. I also wonder if you have experienced some trauma involving sex. Some people repress the memories and can’t even remember it until later on in life. It’s true you can’t help how you feel sometimes. It sounds hard. I truly hope you can get some supportive, professional, non judgemental, caring help.

      Jessica, kissing my husband has often tasted disgusting. He also needs to clean his teeth so thoroughly, use mouthwash, and then there is still a yukky taste – it is very offputting I find. If anyone has any ideas there, that would be also appreciated. He has also been to heaps of doctors. We have both been to countless hours of counselling. It has helped but we have a way to go yet. I just want to encourage both of you ladies, Kimba and Jessica, that it is okay to express how you truly feel, and it may really, really help you to be able to do that in the safety and privacy of a trustworthy counsellor’s care. You don’t have to discuss specifics. You can just talk about how yuk you find it all.

      I haven’t read Sheila’s reply on Sunday, I don’t know where to find that.

      God help us all. Seriously

      • Anna I just really want to thank you and honour you for speaking such grace into these replies to the post.
        Its very needed in such a delicate situation, God bless you and I am praying for your marriage, He works miracles <3
        Lots of love
        Lucy

  3. I think flirting is so much fun! These are some great ideas.
    donotdisturb blog recently posted…The Pain of Past Sexual Experiences: Part 1My Profile

    • @ donotdisturb,Yeah!! you are right,flirting is very important to be able to build her heart strongly and win her but my problem is, I don’t know how to flirt,can you guys please help me out ?

  4. LOVE these ideas. And so proud to admit the facebook comment was me. *Grins* I cannot tell you how dang excited I am about these ideas! You honestly blew me out of the water. I hadn’t considered many of them and CAN! NOT! WAIT!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
    Rena recently posted…Adventures in Nanny-SittingMy Profile

  5. Ooh, there are some great ideas here. I will be trying a few. Thanks, Sheila (and others)!
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Oral Sex: How ToMy Profile

  6. Here’s another one that I’ve passed along to many friends. Gummy Bears. When you bite through them the sticky part will attach to your body pretty much anywhere. We like to play “Find the hidden gummy bear … in the dark… with no hands”. believe me, you’ll never look at those little bear faces again without blushing!!
    Nickalli Braaten recently posted…Confession time…My Profile

  7. Temporary tattoos can b e fun too, whether you let it show or tell him he has to find where you put it :)

  8. Crafty Mama says:

    Ow ow, I love it! ;) This is so fun! I always smack my hubby on the butt. :P Lol But I love how candid you are; the topless movie idea is fun! We’ll have to try it one of these times when the kids are in bed. I definitely look forward to more posts. Not very many Christian blogs talk about sex, which is fine, and that makes posts like this so much more refreshing!

  9. This is an easy challenge for me. I still haven’t figured out 5 things I like about my body, but flirting with my husband I can do! I start flirting with my husband as soon as I wake up and I’m usually flirting as we drift off to sleep. Seriously! I am not just trying to set the tone for the evening or the weekend, I’m setting the tone for our relationship.

    One thing I’ve done is a made a point of telling my husband, when we are in private, specific things about him that I find sexy. Since I’ve made a point of telling him how sexy I think his forearms are, when I touch his forearms in public it sends a whole different message to him than it does to anybody who sees the action.
    Alea recently posted…Gallery of Favorites 2/10My Profile

    • Alea, it sounds like you have a very fun relationship! But honestly, I can tell from you picture that you have lovely hair. I’m sure there are 4 other things you can like! Just ask your hubby. Interesting what you said about forearms, too, considering Saturday’s post.

  10. I’m traveling, so I sent my husband a “flirty” photo via cell phone. (And immediately deleted both the photo and e-mail from my phone so I don’t accidentally send it to anyone else!)

    He responded: “You have no idea how amazing you are. Thank you for such a gift. I know its out of your comfort zone, but it makes me feel like a million.”

    I was surprised that it was so easy to make him “feel like a million.” Reflecting on my surprise, I realize I’ve not spent nearly enough time learning what makes him feel valued. Thanks for a wonderful list for me to start flirting my way through to learn more!
    Cheri Gregory recently posted…{Five Minute Friday}: TrustMy Profile

    • Cheri, I’m going to have to use that quote in an upcoming post: “I realize I’ve not spent nearly enough time learning what makes him feel valued.” That’s so true for most of us (I know it is for me, too). And I think we feel even more intimate when we feel as if he feels loved, so it all comes back to help us, too.

    • Cheri – If you have an iPHone, you should look up the app: “Snapchat.” IT allows you to take a picture and send it to be viewed for only a few seconds (I think the options are 5 to 30 seconds) and after that, it’s deleted from both his phone inbox and yours. How cool is that!

  11. Wow, I love these tips and ideas!

    I had not quite understood how flirting influences my libido. But looking back, i actually realize that its one of my top lifters. Am blown away :)!

    God bless you for these ideas…Love this series.

    Beginning to implement n.o.w!
    Ngina Otiende recently posted…Counting The Ways My Hubby Loves MeMy Profile

  12. Wow, this REALLY hit home with me! I’ve been complaining to my husband that the only attention he gives me is when he wants sex, so this sentence from your post punched me in the gut: “So if you’re thinking to yourself, “every time I kiss my husband he wants it to go somewhere”, or “every time I flirt he wants something else”, that may be because your husband is insecure about whether you really want him, because sex is infrequent, or perhaps because you never initiate.” I can hardly wait to read the next post on this topic! I like to think that having a baby started the decline from my end, but I DO want to make sure we keep our marriage strong, healthy and fun so it lasts the rest of our lives. Thank you!

  13. Malee Edwards says:

    Instead on starting the night comando (like in #14 above) I wear my sexiest panties and then at some point during the eveing, I slip off to the washroom and slip them into his pocket when I come back! The first time I did that we were dating and he was so shocked he choked on his drink. However, for the rest of the night, he could think about anything but the fact that my panties were in his pocket and not on me any more. It distracted him and kept him thinking about me all night and let him no exactly what was on my mind for later!

    • Taking your panties off during a date out is such a sexy idea. I’m going to use it when we go out next. Which will be well after the baby is born (due in three weeks).
      I was just telling him last night that I need to learn how to flirt better because, when we first met, my ‘flirting’ was making jokes and poking him in the belly. :) Of course that’s a cute thing we have just for us and when I poke him in the belly, he knows I’m flirting, but I wanted to find something else that was more ‘grown up.’ LOL
      We’ve already done the notes in his lunch and I touch him and tell him how beautiful he is all the time. I didn’t realize this was flirting but am so glad I do know it now.
      A L recently posted…Irresponsible or Offensive CharactersMy Profile

  14. This is something that’s always been difficult for me. I didn’t really flirt before we were married either. But I have have done this a little. I have written notes on the mirror and he likes that. I also stepped out of character one night while he was working an overnight shift and texted him, “How’s the City treating you Baby?” and .he told a neighbor (not me sadly) that it made his night.
    Heather recently posted…Valentine TreatsMy Profile

    • Hey, Heather, that’s okay. Baby steps are good! And if he likes it, then that will help you be more sure of yourself, anyway.

  15. We’ve been married 34 years–most of it not good. My husband really was clueless about how to make love to me and was so addicted to sex that all he knew was how to turn himself on. I had been sexually abused as a child–so had a lot of baggage and hatred of myself–and have never had an orgasm in all the years we have been married. And since I couldn’t and didn’t care, my husband would just roll over and rape me instead of spending the time loving me. He decided it was useless to spend any time preparing me for anything that wasn’t going to happen. Our marriage really reached bottom a year ago and we decided we needed to call it quits or decide to throw all of our card in to ring and make a fresh start. We decided on the fresh start. God confronted him about his sexual addiction and he gave it up. I have committed myself anew to him and we are both working with a counselor to make our marriage work. We are more playul than ever. Sex is more of a challenge as we are both older. It may or may not happen and we roll with that. We have never laughed more. One saying I really like is “I need to let my husband see me naked because it is the only naked lady he gets to see.”. And it is really true since he gave up the porn. He loves me in pretty negligees, or in underwear–or in nothing. I find it is so difficult to find really classy nightgowns and robes. If you know of sources, please post them. I have only 2 really nice classy ones that are long with lace. And he loves them. In our counseling, we had to get another dog, because our one was too possessive and wouldn’t give us any privacy–our children are married and gone. Another dog has become the other dog’s best friend–so we now have privacy. And the new one has brought so much fun and joy to our home. She was just what we needed. We are still growing and learning. And will be until one of us dies. I found your site on pintrest–and am so glad I did.

    • Cheryl, what a beautiful story! I really think the most lovely thing in the world is when God reconciles two people who seemed hopelessly apart. I wish you all the best, and I hope this series is part of your healing journey.

      I can’t help you with the negligee question, but if anyone else can, chime in, and I’ll post it!

    • Cheryl, can you elaborate on exactly HOW you started anew? I have tried so many things and am at a loss. As for lingerie, I used to be an independent consultant for a company called Colesce Couture. They made a lot of longer nighties – some more modest than others, but I did like several of their pieces. Here is their website (if it’s ok with Sheila) http://www.lingeriepartybiz.com/products.htm (FYI, I am no longer a consultant so I get nothing for posting this)
      Heather recently posted…Valentine TreatsMy Profile

  16. It’s taking some courage for me to share your posts because I’m so private, but this one I pinned today on Pinterest. I am seeing so many of my friends’ marriages break up now that we’re in our 40s, and it makes me heartbroken. I hope many, many more will take your ideas and use them before it’s too late to put each other first. I am doing some of this flirting stuff, and boy is it making my usually tired, stressed husband respond *very* positively! ;)
    lmz recently posted…13 FebruaryMy Profile

    • Thanks so much! And laughter is a good thing. If we were all a little more playful and flirty, marriages would do much better!

  17. Thanks for all the great ideas! It is such a neglected “art” in marriage!

  18. I have a question…my husband and I have been married about two years, and are truly happy. I enjoy sex and we are trying to conceive right now. But the problem for us, is that our schedules are completely opposite. He works overnight, from 3 pm to 2 am, and i work during the day: from 8 am to 5 pm. We both have a long commute to work, and finding other jobs has been difficult for both of us. My husband loves me, but it seems like our sex life has dwindled since we were newly married. “Dwindle” for me is that we have sex maybe once a week, if not less. The problem is that he is so exhausted when he comes home from work, and I am already asleep. I try to wake up for him and welcome him home, but it’s a lot easier said than done! Do you have any ideas about getting him to want me more? i am usually the instigator, and many times he turns me down. He says he doesn’t need sex as much as most men, but pretty much all the information I find about sex, is when the woman doesn’t want it. It breaks my heart that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him at times, and I don’t know how to make him understand that without crushing his ego and making him mad at me.

  19. In reference to the person who said she would massage her husband’s forearms: I think that is another thing that we forget. Sometimes just a simple touch can be intimate and what a person needs. My husband truly enjoys for me to run my hands across his arms, shoulders, neck, or especially his hair.

    These tips are really great. I try to do things like this to remind him that he is wanted and desired, but I need to be more consistent. Thanks for the great post!
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  20. ms.jessica.turner@att.net says:

    my hubby would not go for any of this. he is cold and hates everything. he calls me dumb for trying anything new like this. i’m a bitch for not folding his pants right. “i’m not a loving person” he will say.

    • I’m really sorry you feel that way, Jessica. Is there a way that you can think back to the things about your husband that made you marry him? You must have had a friendship connection then. And just keep thinking of the things that you appreciate about your husband. Sometimes we create a really negative dynamic, when we’re so angry and hurt at our husbands that we withdraw, and then they sense our anger and they withdraw. If we can try to change the dynamic, and think about gratitude rather than what we’re angry about, it can often make the world of difference.

      • I too sympathize with Jessica and agree with Sheila. Not everything is black and white and often people do something or create a situation, especially with pent up anger, resentment and/or bitterness, which causes the other person to withdraw emotionally, physically and even sexually. The negative emotions may not deliberately be directed at each other, but they are definitely felt by both parties. The effect however, is often unpredictable. Sadly, sometimes both parties may end up hurting each other in ways none intended. And yes, changing the dynamic that created the problem(s) can open the doors and shed light and hope on the path towards recovery, healing, reconciliation and restoration of the relationship – emotionally, psychologically, sexually and spiritually. It may not be an easy road, but it’s one worth taking.
        The ability to view the situation as a temporary one and as a learning/growth experience also helps tremendously on that path towards recovery and healing. Identifying/recognising the problem is only the beginning, taking the steps to do something about it is what starts the process towards recovery.
        And let’s not forget or dismiss God’s role or His presence during our troubled times or His ability to redeem pain and suffering. The bible is replete with stories of individuals through whose troubled and broken lives God moved and worked to spur greater more fruitful growth, blessings and character (not just for them but for others around them as well) to the glory of His name. He is able to turn sorrow and mourning into Joy – far beyond anything we can ever understand or imagine. The joy of The Lord is our strength.

    • Hi Jessica,

      I know this is a really old comment and you probably won’t ever even see it but I couldn’t just scroll past and not say something. The behaviors you describe — putting you down, calling you a bitch, you’re stupid, you can’t do anything right, not wanting you to try new things, picking fights over things that don’t matter — that’s not fighting with your husband, or going through a rough patch, or just needing to work harder on your marriage. That’s abusive, and it’s not your fault. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I want you to know that the words I hear most often are, “Well, he never hit me but…”. There are many forms of abuse, and physical violence is only one, and often, women who have been victims of truly horrific physical violence tell me that the words their partners said to them left more lasting damage than any bruises or broken bones. I encourage you to check out this site: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm and just read through the checklist at the end of the page and see if anything looks familiar to you. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk to someone, 24/7/365, at 1?800?799?SAFE (7233) or http://www.thehotline.org/, even if you’re not sure if your relationship “counts” or if it’s “bad enough”. Even if you just want to talk! I have a slight issue with Sheila’s advice to try to think about how you need to improve things. You don’t ever deserve to be called a bitch or belittled by the person who’s promised to love and honor you, ever, no matter what. Even if there is a “negative dynamic”, you don’t deserve to be called stupid or worthless, or not allowed to pursue your dreams.

      Anyway, this is turning into an essay — I just wanted to reach out. I hope you happen to see this, Jessica, and that you really think about what I’ve had to say. I wish you all the best, and hope you’re happier now than you were a year ago!

    • Anonymous says:

      Jessica, I completely agree with Ella. (And Shelia, I normally agree wholeheartedly with your responses, etc. But I do feel you missed the mark on this one. Telling an abused woman she needs to change the dynamic and “make things better” etc, is exactly what keeps countless women in abusive relationships. Jessica sounds like she has ALREADY TRIED to change the dynamic, by attempting to try new things with her husband…only to have her efforts mocked, rebuffed and rejected. It takes two. Although we don’t know the full scope of Jessica’s situation, and there may be more to it…in the future, please be more sensitive and careful about the advice you give to women in these situations).

      Although I do not have professional experience with domestic violence, I was once in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship with a college boyfriend. He could go from very loving and kind to passive aggressive, demeaning, out of control and raging. Then comes the apologizing, upset over his behavior, etc. He could also manipulate and turn things around to make ME feel like I was in the wrong. I would end up apologizing for things that I should have never apologized for (like making him angry). He had a way of twisting everything around. It was all very confusing and upside down. I didn’t know all this was abuse at the time, because no one talked about verbal/emotional abuse in the 90′s. But it is a very real, very hurtful and very damaging form of abuse. You get so desensitized to it that you put up with more and more. It sounds like your husband has real issues. I will pray for you, but I encourage you to seek professional Christian counseling (“Christian” being the emphasis). God loves you and doesn’t want you to be treated this way. One day, the thought occurred to me that, “Even GOD forgives me and doesn’t verbally beat me up when I mess up!” (God LOVINGLY lets us know when we’ve done wrong. He doesn’t belittle us, etc. He is gentle–a gentleman). And I’m only talking about the instances when you TRULY DO do something wrong. A man getting disproportionately angry and abusive over situations, little things, perceived wrongs, etc, is a whole different story. I also encourage you to pick up a great book by Stasi and John Eldredge called “Captivating”. It’s a love story of sorts, and reveals how God loves you and finds you ‘captivating’. Back in college, I read a good book called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. It changed my life for the better, I realized I wasn’t crazy and the problem wasn’t me…the light bulb went off and I realized that what I was experiencing was verbal and emotional abuse. **Sidenote: While I agree with most everything in this book, I do feel that SOME things are blown out of proportion and some things she considers “abusive behaviors” may not be truly abusive–but different communication styles or wrong/ineffective communication styles that need to change. Just because a guy sometimes doesn’t respond appropriately, doesn’t mean he’s abusive. A PATTERN/common occurrence, on the other hand, is different. Use your own discernment. Anyway, I eventually got out of the relationship, but it took a long time for me to feel “normal” again, to trust my instincts and feelings, etc. My whole idea of what was normal had been turned completely upside down. Patricia Evans also has a website, http://www.verbalabuse.com

      From Patricia Evans in “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”: “If you have been verbally abused, you have been told in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that your perception of reality is wrong and that your feelings are wrong. Consequently, you may doubt your own experience and, at the same time, not realize that you are doing so.”

      Another great book is “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend (last names). Until I read this book, I had no idea that I was “allowed” to put boundaries on people and that that was ok with God–even HE puts boundaries on people and things! He is a God of order. Due to my people pleasing nature, I used to put up with things–even just in friendships, coworkers, etc–that I shouldn’t have. It was exhausting! This is a very empowering book. :) The authors even have a book called, “Boundaries in Marriage”. Both of these books are “Christian” and based on scripture with good, Godly counsel.

      I am now happily married to a wonderful, godly man who takes responsibility for his actions. Whenever we DO argue or he lets his anger get the better of him in the heat of the moment (nothing abusive, just not what we consider to be Christ like and not how we want to argue with one another), he apologizes and for example, says, “No matter how angry I may be during an argument, I’m still responsible for my actions and words. And I apologize for saying ___”. I do the same for him. Together we are learning to communicate, to disagree “well”, try to put God first in our relationship, etc.

      Anyway, Jessica, you are worthy of love. You are priceless. Your feelings and your heart matter. You are stronger than you think, too. Please get help and wise, godly counsel for your situation. You do not deserve to be called names, to have your spouse get mad at you for folding his pants “wrong”, etc. I will be lifting you up in prayer. Remember that the Lord loves you very, very much! And He wants you to love yourself and love yourself enough to take care of yourself, as well. :) God bless you.

  21. MarriedMama says:

    Temporary tattoos are FUN! And you can get them in paisties or just hide one somewhere only he will find. Glow in the dark necklaces etc are also fun.

    • And so is glow-in-the-dark nail polish, available in the stores around Halloween time. I charge up my nails, turn off the lights, then he follows with his eyes wherever my hands are touching.

  22. Lindsay says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. I am getting married in October and I have been on the look out for “How to make your marriage awesome” articles and this is the FIRST ONE I’ve found that didn’t insist that I pray with my husband. Even articles on non-religious, regular, every day self-help websites are often biased towards Christian couples. As a non-religious, atheist couple it is so refreshing to find such a list because let me tell you, it gets pretty tiring when every Christian on earth just assumes every other person is Christian too. Thank you again for this.

    • I will have your marriage in my prayers. I’ve been in a marriage where Christ was not the center and it failed miserably. My new marriage is centered on and around Christ and He has blessed it immeasurably. God created marriage and sex to be a beautiful way of worshipping Him and His creation. Without that, you are just worshipping each other and that will get old fast.

      • Many non-religion based relationships are extremely healthy and without judgement. When you don’t feel the need to “worship” anyone, you can be happy with exactly what you have.

      • Denise, it is great to pray for Lindsay but not to insult her. I am a Christian with many atheist and non-Christian friends, and it seems to me that in their love and sexuality they are worshiping the same thing I am but calling it by a different name. People can be Christ to one another while believing that they are “following ethical principles” or “centering in selfless love” or whatever. I don’t know what that means for the ultimate destination of their souls, but that is not for me to judge. So I pray for my friends to do what is right and to understand more of the truth every day.

        Did you know that conservative Christians are more likely to divorce than other religious groups? There are many lurking variables, I’m sure, but it’s clear that being Christians does not automatically help a marriage succeed.

        Lindsay, you might find it helpful when an article suggests praying for your husband to read, “Think good thoughts about your husband and imagine positive impulses affecting him.”
        ‘Becca recently posted…Martinopoly: What My Kid Did for Martin Luther King DayMy Profile

    • My husband and I are both Agnostic, and our marriage is centered on our friendship and each other. We don’t “worship” anyone but our children. I often get offended when marriages like mine are insulted because we are of a different belief. There are actually a LOT of marriage articles and books about marriage without the pressure of religion. I too appreciated this article for what it is! A guide to how to spice up a marriage through sexy flirting, which is what EVERY marriage needs, not just Christian ones.

  23. Melissa Starnes says:

    Great points and advice! Keep them coming!

  24. Write something notty on his day planner. Send him sexy pictures on his celular phone.

  25. I’m glad to have stumbled across this thread and hope to learn from it. I’m a newlywed wishing for a honeymoon I guess. I suppose I assumed that we’d explore and grow together sexually but there is so little interest from his side. We are affectionate and it’s wonderful but I’m afraid of where to go from here. Once every two months is just not enough to sustain the connection and intimacy. I’m up for trying to flirt more but am stumped otherwise.

    • Rose, I’m so sorry, and I know how frustrating that must be. I wrote a series of posts for women whose husbands aren’t that interested, too. You can catch the first one here, the next one here, and then follow the links.

  26. I already do all of these but the surprise present one! lol Hubby and I must have a really good marriage lol!

  27. Kristen says:

    I love all the ideas! It’s a good reminder to keep up what I have going. though I have a question. This is a problem both my sister and I deal with. all the way leading up to marriage we were hearing from every angle “men want more sex” or “even if you’re not feeling up to it, do it.” but nothing prepared us for the shock of us wanting sex more than our husbands… For me, my love life is frequent but I wouldn’t mind if it were more frequent but my husband does not have the drive I Do. for my sister he is much more stand offish and would rather be clothed with her than in the buff. If she didn’t ask it would probably be once a week or less. We never heard of this before, is it normal? what would you suggest to do for a husband who is a bit cold to hot sex?

    • Kristen, I think what you’re both going through is increasingly normal. Many women are finding that their husbands aren’t that interested in sex, for a variety of reasons. I’ve written a blog series on that as well, and you can see some of the posts here and here (and then just follow the links!). I hope that helps.

      • Kristen says:

        Thank you so much. I will send the links to my sister too and pray that something will be revealed as the issue.
        I appreciate what you are doing, having Godly advice for women in marriage is rare and wonderful. Keep up the good work and I’ll be praying that God continues to guide your words :)

  28. I’ve been doing all these things since I got married. August will be 32 years!

  29. These are fine and fun except for the suggestion to wash the floor on all fours in a miniskirt with no underwear. That’s….more than a little degrading and sexist to boot.

  30. Tawnya Nall says:

    Love this!

  31. Brandie says:

    I don’t know how to feel about this, many of these say foreplay to me. I mean it’s a little teasey to not follow through all the time when you’re doing some of these.

    I think there is a fine line between flirting and foreplay and this article has a little of both. Texting him about a song or memories is super cute and flirty. I do the note thing for him all the time and text. He works nights so I text him a pic of me smiling at him or of our pets doing something cute or I put a post it, hope you had a good day etc. Or I’d text or leave a note saying Smile somebody loves you! Or here is this funny joke I just read. Flirting is a little more playful and builds intimacies in my opinion and isn’t about sex.

  32. Just saw this site and the comments/posts after. Jessica and other girls in the same position – I am so sorry for whatever misinformation or instruction was given to you by people proclaiming their Christian faith. I am a Christian woman who teaches and gives counsel to other Christian women who have been abused or misled. Scripture says “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” There is more to this statement than just heartfelt commitment, it speaks to everything in your marriage, finances and physical being too. One of the greatest misconceptions that is poorly dealt with by Christian parents or even in our churches, is sexuality. It is a gift from God and poorly exercised. Pleasure is wonderful within the confines of Chrisitan marriage and is to be enjoyed and explored. There is however, the “want to” part of the equation.
    Give yourselves permission to be “with” your husband and to “want to” attract him every day in some way. While some of the above suggestions may not fit your ideal, create some that will. Text him a sweet “I love you” out of the blue, pinch his backside when no one is looking, wink across the room at him. Touch him somewhere you are not accustomed to – neck, chest, knee, top of his hand. Have a secret code, written or spoken, that says I value and love you. Marriage encounters can also help you but if you don’t have time away from your children, or cannot afford the getaway, make a date night. Go to dinner, express your desire to make your marriage deeper on all levels, see where it goes.
    This is not wrong – it is right in the eyes of God. My Christian mother gave me the greatest advice, “whatever you do in the privacy of your home, without involving other people or unnatural objects is perfectly fine and honors God’s gift to your marriage.” Be tender, make a haven in all ways for your husband and show him this post – let him comment! Be Blessed!

  33. Love these! My hubby will too!

  34. Happily Married says:

    This is fantastic!! I am happily married for 4 years but am not always the best at making my husband know how much he is wanted and appreciated. It has been known forever men are sexual creatures and these ideas are brilliant for reaching that side of them without doing ridiculously provocative or uncomfortable things. Sex is a gift from God for married couples and keeping a spark alive will only help any marriage :)

  35. I love this article. And the comments are so helpful. I have been married for 3 yrs but together for 8 and have 3 kids so sometimes its hard to find time so show him how much I want him. He is away right now for a few months but I can start texting him sexy little things or sending him love letters in mail. Im super excited about this and I cant wait to read more if your posts

  36. I so long to flirt with my husband, but it’s so hard when you’re not really “in love” with your husband. I love my husband, but am not really “in love” with him. Flirting is hard then :(

    However I’ve learnt that it is possible to have a good sex life if you’re not in love with your husband, but it take some effort, but even then it leaves you longing for that special feeling, which just doesn’t come when it’s not there :( This can affect your emotions badly. You just long for a man that makes you feel alive, sexually excited, aroused, feminine and, well I don’t know, just that special “buzz”.

    but if it ain’t there then there’s not much you can do about it. I’ve prayed and prayed and even God Himself can’t put that romantic feeling there if it’s not there. My husband picks up on it though, so it’s painful for him, he’s very much in love with me, but as much as I have tried it’s hard to reciprocate, but I do love being adored by by husband, so that is a positive :)
    was wondering to start a blog, but I think I must be the only one. Know romantic love isn’t everything, but sex can be difficult to enjoy when you do not have that feeling. I don’t think I was ever really “in love” with my husband, and if I was it died sure quick after marriage (if not before) so a lot of pain 15 years later. So long to be “in love” with my man, but you can’t make it happen.

    He’s a very lovely man and loves God, but I just don’t have that “special” feeling which turns you on sexually, so it is hard. Very hard. I have to really take responsibility for my own sexuality to really enjoy it, I started orgasming about 7 years into our marriage, but it’s not how I would like it to be because I’m not in love, though I do love him.

    Am I really alone in this, or are there other wives out there who have the same problem? I want to keep my wedding vows however, but I so, so long for that special feeling which turns you on and makes you melt in the presence of a man your adore. It’s hard to flirt when you’re not in love.

    • OK well I gave it a go even though I’m not really “in love” with him – it was pretty good and a positive experience. Will try it some more :)

      • Way to go, Sophia! :) As other writers have written, smile (even if you don’t want to). It will make you feel better. You did the same kind of thing, by flirting even if you don’t feel “in love”. Loving feelings will come! God is the most awesome miracle-worker of all time, and if you just keep stepping forward in faith, you will be amazed to see how He can take the negative things and turn them into good. Like He did for Joseph, Jacob, and many others in the Bible, HE can “make it happen”! :)

        I have been in your shoes, and what turned our marriage around was when I began to pray every night, “Thank you Lord, for my good husband.” I had been tempted to find someone I could love more easily– but God showed me that he didn’t deserve that; God wanted me to love and appreciate what I had. Little by little, positive behavior has built positive feelings, and I truly am grateful now for the man God has given me.

    • Thankful I am Mrs Pinney says:

      I think you should try changing your attitude and speaking positively about your marriage and your husband if you truly “want to keep your vows” We need to remember that the men we see on TV and you read about in trashy, revolting romance novels ARE NOT REALITY!! You can’t compare what you have to what you see in other men (would you want your husband comparing your body to other women?) its the same concept. You will never truly be happy until you focus on the good in your husband and relationship and this will begin to change your attitude. I have only been married for 7 years but it was a struggle for me to connect with my husband. I thought when you get married everything was “happily ever after” WRONG! It is a daily choice we make to have a great marriage! It is all in the attitude! I could very easily try to convince myself that I’m not “in love” with my farting, messy, stinky home from work, husband that has crusty stinking socks and stinks up the house when he uses the bathroom, that can never keep a shirt clean! Or I can choose to love the man that chooses everyday to love me! Laugh when he farts, thankful he is around making a mess, standing by the door to smell him when he gets home because GOD BROUGHT HIM BACK TO ME ONE MORE TIME, gladly wash his crusty socks because he would gladly wash my crusty underwear in a second(TMI , I KNOW IM JUST BEING REAL!!!) That is the attitude I choose to have each morning and it has turned our marriage around! Im not going to lie and say that my attitude is always in check, because it’s not! I’m human in a fallen world. However, when it’s not, he still loves me and is patient with me and loves me through it and in turn I do the same for him! We make each other better! When you change your attitude about your husband and marriage it’s amazing how much easier, and easier it is to connect!

      You seem to have good things to say about your husband. You repeat the “in love” quotation several times as though you have expectations of what “in love” should be. Our marriages are not love stories, they are true life stories of reality. They are real!!! They sometimes have lies, and struggles and death and brokenness but that is life! It’s what you learn from the brokenness and mistakes and trials that matter! I love Jesus and I praise God that my husband has come to know the Lord and is a man of God but I remember how things were when we were not following the Lord and did not have a relationship with Jesus. I mean a REAL heart to know the Lord and want to serve! Only God can change your heart. Pray that God changes your heart and that He revives your marriage and seek the things that are of God. Deuteronomy 4:29 “seek the Lord your God and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.” Proverbs 8:17 “I love those who love Me; And those who diligently seek me find me” God our creator is the only hope your marriage has! If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus, that is the problem and there is no hope outside of Jesus. If you claim you do, then you should check your attitude and start seeking God and start reading His word and praying and have faith that God and God alone can change your heart and your marriage! I’ll be praying for you and your husband!

    • Sophia, you are so not alone. I feel the same way. I am really glad you are honest. I’m glad you had a positive experience tho.

  37. Really like this challenge! I really hope you will do many more.

  38. These are some great tips for flirting . It is so important to keep the fun going in a marriage. I can’t help sensing in this post some major negativity regarding sex, though. Sheila, sex isn’t something that a man does to a woman. It is an intimate act that is wonderful, fun, and shared. It’s like you’re warning women that the might, just might, have to have sex with their husbands if they flirt. Oh no!… My question is why wouldn’t you want to? Wives need to stop feeling like sex is a bad thing. Go flirt, ladies, and then get some pleasure from your man!

  39. I have a newlywed friend who cooked a special supper for her hubby “just because” and did it in nothing but her apron. She sent him a text telling him what she was doing (and how). She told me about it a few days later and said that he told her that he couldn’t wait to get home that day and it made him feel special that she did something so out of her comfort zone. They had a fun night, needless to say, and I will be using her idea in a few months when I’m a newlywed =D
    I love all the other suggestions on here too, I for one, am very much looking forward to a healthy sex life in my marriage. I was raised to think flirting was ok, even encouraged (within certain boundaries) before marriage, and especially after and that sex is a beautiful, special thing between married couples. Again, I’m super excited and I know my fiance is too! haha =)) Thank you for this blog!

  40. Thanks!

  41. Love your Flirting Suggestions! I have been very happily married to my darling husband for 37 years. We’ve always had a great marriage and treated each other as best friends. I suppose most marriages go through some stale times. When ours did, I decided to start “playing games” with my husband and did many of the things you suggested. He responded beautifully. I totally agree that men love sex (I do too) but most want to be loved, wanted, needed and admired. My husband was easy to love and admire, but I still had to make it a habit. We always have fun together and treat each other with care and kindness. It has payed off because we are still happily married and expect to be for many more years. Your advice to young women is terrific….keep it up! Smart women make sure their men are happy…that’s how to keep them. By the way, I have been a very successful business woman who makes plenty of $$$! However, my best accomplishment is being a good wife, lover and friend to my husband!

  42. I have a question. I have a sweet, sweet husband who was experienced before we got married while I was a virgin (at 33). He has always been attentive, patient, and takes the time to explain things for me. He lets me explore my sexuality as much as I want and encourages me to try new things all the time without ever pressuring me. Here’s the the ‘but’: I am in my sexual prime. I think about sex almost all day long. I am currently working on my Masters of Divinity and during class a memory of something we did together will pop into my head and I have to get myself under control! My husband does not need sex as much as I do, he’s said as much. There have been times when we’ve gone more than 2 weeks without being intimate and I nearly had a meltdown! I have expressed my needs to him and he validated my desires. We came up with some ways I could flirt with him during the day (naughty text messages, etc.), but it doesn’t work. He is not turned on when I initiate. He’s admitted it’s never been a turn-on for him. The result is that we make love when he’s in the mood. Hear me when I say that this is not an obligation for me. I’m always in the mood and I LOVE making love to my husband, so I happily oblige. I just need it more often and my pre-approved form of flirting (wearing lingerie, wearing nothing, naughty texts, playfully groping, etc.) doesn’t get his motor running. Any suggestions?

    • Missie, this is actually quite common. In about 30% of marriages the wife has the higher sex drive. I’ve written about this before here, and there are links to other posts in that post about how communicate your needs more effectively. I really hope that helps! I just want you to know that you are not alone, and that I totally understand that this can be really frustrating!

  43. Great suggestions! This will be fun :)

  44. thank you for the super fun post. My husband can see down the hallway from where he sits. I sometimes pull my skirt around my waist showing off my panties and say ” hey do you like these?” It’s fun and it makes him smile.

  45. I love this post. I think it’s an amazing thing to be able to flirt with your husband. My husband and I are best friends, and I am so thankful for that. We goof around with eachother, laugh at and with eachother. Sex is an amazing thing to be experienced with your husband. There have been plenty of times when I embarrased myself infront of him, and we just giggle it off! I think I got lucky because we both love our “moments” together, and certainly happens a few times a week. I never feel obligated or like I have to. And if one of us doesn’t feel like it, too tired or just simply isn’t in the mood, we are honest with eachother and it doesn’t bother us. I leave notes for my hubby here and there, and I know he appreciates them :) I even wrote on a the toilet paper roll “hey there sexy” and he came out smiling ;) He leaves them for me sometimes too, there was this one time I’ll never forget, after his shower the mirror obviously is all wet and he wrote just with his fingers “BOO, I love you” with a smiley face. So that when I had a shower it was there on the mirrow when it got foggy again, at first it scared the crap out of me until I read it haha!

    It truly is the most amazing thing when you can be yourself, when you can flirt, tease, laugh with eachother. I am so thankful for my relationship with my husband and I believe it is so good because we are quite comfortable with eachother and our sex life, it really does help.

  46. andi hollis says:

    I can’t even begin to tell you how true this rang in my mind this Christmas Eve morning. This is my life in a nutshell and my husband currently thinks I don’t love him. We have been married 20 years in August 2013 and I guess I thought he should just know after 20 years that I love him. Every symptom is only him crying out for my attention so that he feels loved. But where do I start on me when I feel so torn apart on the inside. I know that I love him but I can’t make myself relay it to him. The hustle and bustle of three boys a full time job as a nurse, and one parent passing away less than three months ago, leaves me.the least taken care of person that I know. Is it so wrong to want someone to take care of me too? I am so conflicted with concerns and I really feel like you have just briefly scratched the surface of maybe what i need.

  47. My wife and I have a reasonably good marriage for the last 17 years with having a good friendship, and raising two amazing boys, but one thing has been a continual struggle…our physical intimacy. Recently though we have been working hard to turn that part around. Back before when sex was a three to four times month (and that was a good month) I was the starving spouse, any of this type of flirting would have been foreplay for me!

    About four months ago our church small group did the “40 Days in the Word” study with Pastor Rick Warren from Saddleback Church. This study has turned our hearts and attitudes 180 degrees around, we are now daily in the bible, and we have changed from selfish getting to loving and giving hearts. After this study I finally felt it was a chance to improve another part of our relationship, I went searching for the topic that we always have fought over and struggle with more than anything else in our marriage… sex!

    That’s when I found Sheila’s website, her writings where spot on for our issues, and the book “31 Days to Great Sex” was them all grouped together in one easy to read package with daily action challenges (which I really think are the secret to success part of this book). First part was to convincing my wife to read this with me, but after we got past that roadblock we started. We have been working through each topic at my wife’s own pace, truly dealing with the baggage issues that are relieved along the way by discussing and looking up scripture, and now she is coming alive! I am actually shocked at her physical awaking and not sure if I will be able to keep up with her new desire and drive, well lets not get too carried away, but its a huge change and I love it!

    Now that we have sex at least every other day, have opened up the lines of communication about sex, and that she has started to make herself truly available when I desire to be with her, all of this is now flirting for me! I challenge everyone that lands here on this website and has a negative attitude towards sex in marriage, or finds some of these flirting ideas offensive (and they are not), to dig deep and work hard to turn around this o-so important part of their marriage.

    • Mark, thank you so much for that testimony! I’m so glad that the 31 Days to Great Sex has been one of the tools that God has used to bring you closer together. And I can totally attest to the same thing: there is a point where you start getting through all that baggage and your sexual desire really does come alive quite overwhelmingly! It’s a beautiful thing when it happens. I’m so glad that you’re both benefiting from this and feeling more intimate!

  48. Thanks for posting this! Such good ideas – some I hadn’t ever thought of! With a baby due in two months it’s hard for me to feel sexy but I think that I could manage a couple of these ideas!
    Emma Green recently posted…2013: A Year for Fitness!My Profile

  49. Love the post, great convo starter!

  50. I like this ideas.my favorite one is when I hide behind the door and the shock look he gives me I love it…

  51. It’s nice to know that my husband and I do quite a few of these things you listed, but there is definite room for improvement. Thanks for the tips.
    Linda recently posted…Montana’s Style Antojito RecipeMy Profile

  52. I was wondering…what do you do if you already normally flirt with your husband and you do want sex often, yet he doesn’t? We rarely have sex and I’m the one thats always sexually frustrated.

    • Hi Robin,

      That’s a really common problem. In about 30% of marriages the wife has the higher sex drive than the husband, and in many marriages he’s lost his sex drive altogether. I’ve written about this several times, but the main post is here. I hope that helps!

  53. Magic and spells are not the answer. God forbids the use of magic. Better to pray to Jesus and ask Him to help.

  54. Sheila, I desperately need some advice. I have read all of your articles and I was so excited to come home and try some things with my husband. Well I wound up being shot down and in tears. We are newlyweds and our sex life is almost non existent. Last night he told me that he just doesn’t really like to have sex and that is not something he really thinks about. He doesn’t see why is such a big deal to me and I tried to talk to him about some of your points and he just doesn’t get it. We are both very strong Christians and tonight i found out that he feels like it would be a sin for him to release in me since we are not in a place to have children. He says that it would be “tempting God” but I obviously disagree.i know that the Lord is not going to give us a child before His perfect time and that by releasing we would be doing nothing wrong. I guess I’m just looking for an answer. Im so afraid of being undesirable and in a sexless marriage. I just know how much we are missing out on.

    • Hi BC! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, especially as newlyweds. I think this sounds like something where you really both need to be sitting down with an older mentor couple or counselor and going over what it means to be married. Did you cover any of this in premarital counseling, or did you have premarital counseling? Like did you talk about birth control or anything like that?

      I think it sounds like there’s something more going on than just that he’s afraid of getting pregnant, because most young men have quite a strong desire level. I think talking to a counselor, and asking your husband to sit down with a mentor couple, would be very useful. I know that’s hard to do, but you’re early in your marriage, and you really want to deal with this now, rather than letting it go on for years and years. Your husband may very well have some very confused views of sex, and he likely needs prayer and healing to restore them. Saying nothing and letting things go on won’t facilitate his healing.

      So I’d say talk to a pastor and ask if there’s a counselor that your pastor could recommend. Or else find an older couple that you both trust and ask if you could talk to them together.

      I hope that helps! I’ve said a prayer for you.

  55. Sheila,
    We did have premarital counseling but it didn’t touch too much on the topic sex in marriage at all. We currently don’t belong to church and I don’t think he would agree to talking with someone about. He does have a pretty close relationship with his dad though so I may see if he would be willing to talk with him about this. I think the biggest problem is that he doesn’t see this as a problem so I’m afraid I’m coming off as nagging by bringing it up so much. I think the only person he would be willing to talk to would be his dad so that may be our only hope with mentoring. Thank you so much for your prayers.

  56. This is some really good advice I love reading all your stuff keep it up
    Tulisa recently posted…Melt Your Man’s Heart Review – Will It Work For You?My Profile

  57. Thanks for all the great ideas! It is such a neglected “art” in marriage!
    Tulisa recently posted…Boost Your Bust Book Review – Naturally I don’t Think So!!My Profile

  58. Great article! I love making my husband feel like a teenage boy. We are both close to 50. We’ve been married 2 years. Before that, I had been divorced 20 years. I decided those long 20 years ago, I would wait on God’s ‘Mr. Right for Me”. It took patience, but he finally showed. We did not have sex until after we said “I do” and he was worth every moment of waiting! We are shamelessly in love with one another. And we flirt constantly. Our kids tell us to get a room all the time. Both have expressed that they are very happy we are happy. :)

  59. Oh, And I want the new posts!

  60. Anonymous says:

    My older sister, who has been happily married for 19 years, always quotes Dr. Laura, that you have to be your husband’s girlfriend! To do all the things you did when you were his girlfriend (flirting, looking nice for him, etc).

    I have a long way to go, and admit, that in just 3 years of marriage I have gotten way too complacent. But it’s a goal I’m working on. It must work, because my sister and brother-in-law (both Christians), are very happy, workout, look amazing, have a great marriage, etc. I admire my sister a lot, because she always looks put together, stylish, fit and even a little sexy (in a classy way) on date night, treats her husband with respect, etc. Great role model for me!

    So ladies, let’s be our husband’s girlfriend!

  61. wow thank you so much for posting all that about verbally abusive relationships, etc. so

  62. frustrated says:

    How about when your husband gets weird and acts awkward when you try to flirt with him. I’m so tired of reading crap like this because I can’t do any of it. My husband doesn’t appreciate me flirting with him. I know he’s a sexual man. He used to be into pornography and go to strip clubs. God forbid I want to touch his body or send him sexy pictures of me naked. If I send suggestive texts this is his response “yes?” If I was rejecting him like this I’d be wrong. But he’s allowed to make excuses and I’m still wrong if I feel hurt, neglected, alone, etc. I know he loves me. What I’m not getting is that he wants me. I don’t pressure him for sex. I learned a long time ago he responds awkwardly if I pursue him. The only thing I can guess is its because I don’t look like a porn star. Even though he claims he is still attracted to me, he’s not showing that he desires me. When he does come around for sex its a quick 5-10 minutes. Its over, and we’re back to reality like nothing ever happened. I thought I would be a blessing to a man, because I am so willing to please him sexually, whenever he wants it. But more often than not…he doesn’t want it…with me anyway. I guess I should be thankful he loves me and just continue praying for God to take these desires away from me.

  63. Am almost 4yrs in marriage now.Very recently we had a big clash and he made some statements and then i knew i really had to do something about my “lack of interest”.
    Prayed about it this Morning and decided to Google, if i could find something and God so good i stumbled over this.
    Am just a perfect description of Kellies Story

    Kelli says:
    February 15, 2012 at 9:44 am
    Wow, this REALLY hit home with me! I’ve been complaining to my husband that the only attention he gives me is when he wants sex, so this sentence from your post punched me in the gut: “So if you’re thinking to yourself, “every time I kiss my husband he wants it to go somewhere”, or “every time I flirt he wants something else”, that may be because your husband is insecure about whether you really want him, because sex is infrequent, or perhaps because you never initiate.”

    I notice my hubby withdrawing everyday and the gap between us widening. It hurts but i keep seeing him as the issue. But thanks to God for answering my prayers and letting me know through this article that i need to work on myself. Right now i feel so bad and guilty for how much i have hurt him.
    On one Hand i’d really like to try this but on the other am quite shy and i think right now i have already done much damage and he might not appreciate the change(my Fear.). Secondly i don’t know if it is normal to be caught(by him) reading this?…As i read in someone’s comment on the 15secs kiss…that she read it with her husband.( i actually want to take that as my first step)

    Thanks for this post i will definitely go through the rest while i trust God to help correct my mistakes.

  64. Hi Jessica

    It’s good to know you are paying, please never give up, nothing works like prayer. But I’ll like to say in addition to the prayers, try to keep an open mind and and let God work on you. Stay Positive.
    It is well with you.

  65. My husband just retired from 25 years in the Navy and we moved far away from where we were for an excellent job for him. For the first time in 16 years I am not working. Part of my identity seemed lost because of this but sexually it’s been great. 3 days a week he is at the office 2 miles from our house so he comes home for lunch…I surprise him with kinky or cute outfits and he just loves it! So I have learned that although I will never understand the visual thing that turns them on….I can help give him that without him falling into sin!

  66. My marriage has gone sour. My husband said he is unhappy and frustrated because of my attitude. Although he failed to point out exactly what the problem is. I noticed we don’t have sex or kiss. We don’t discuss our affairs like we used to. We don’t laugh. Everything is just so boring. I hope to start texting him. That topless stuff won’t do me good because of the effect of breastfeeding on my breast which he complains about.

  67. Loved this post!! Right now, I’m 7 months pregnant with our 5th child, and since our wedding 5 1/2 years ago, I have been pregnant each year! My doctor has told me no intercourse for the rest of the pregnancy because of my history of preterm labor. My husband is a VERY red-blooded male, and I know it affects him alot that we can’t do that. But, he is SO understanding!! This post has some great ideas for me to still keep the flame bright despite our setback. Thanks so much!!! =)

  68. Charity Barbosa says:

    I like your face kissing your husband …you look so focused! Like you are in a love mission. Anyway as always very good stuff
    . thank you so much for your marriage support, topics, and post.

  69. Sheila, I love this list but would really love a list of how husbands can flirt with their wives.

  70. Hi, so I liked some of the things I could do,but my hubby Is a lil different from the rest of your typical guys. We both play video games though him a lil more than me and lately for the past few months Is just seems like we just put up with each other, and in all honesty I just want our spark back, our passion How we used to be before we married…. it hurts me so much that we’re like this and instead of showing each other love like we used to we fight more and more…. And the sad part, Is we only been married a year…… if anyone has any ideas to help save my marriage please I’m all ears…..

  71. My husband and I play video games together. We enjoy a couple of games a lot, so we play co-op. I’m no psychologist, but I can tell you that when he kills an alien to keep me alive, I feel a littlw extra squishy toward him. ;) Perhaps you could try board games instead. Like the “strip anything” suggested. My hubby & I feel more distant when we haven’t dreamed out loud together in a while. I hope you find the key(s) to your solution.

  72. You keep referring to “hot, holy, and humorous”. It says you have to be invited to read that blog…?

  73. Savannah says:

    I’ve tried these things and my husband acts like he could care less I’ve put on something sexy and he will look at me and say you look nice then go back to whatever he is doing….I’ve done the not wearing underwear while bending over and he does like he doesn’t even notice….I’ve done romantic candle light picnic on the beach…..I’ve even tied him up and blindfolded him while I ate whip cream and chocolate syrup off of him and yet I get nothing in return ….I have no idea what to do and makes me feel horrible cuz u think it’s something wrong with me or I’m not attractive enough for him

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] biblical manner! I have really been enjoying her last month of blog posts regarding this topic! (Her most popular: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband) I encourage you to check out her blog and consider purchasing her book, “The Good Girls [...]

  2. [...] wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex leading up to it, I had a one day blitz, there’s an awesome contest going on right now (you [...]

  3. [...] Don’t let mommyhood take up your whole identity. During the day, even if you’re with your kids, flirt! Send him texts. Have a code word that means “I’m hot for you.” In the morning, show him what underwear you’re wearing that day. Want more ideas? I’ve got lots here. [...]

  4. [...] one reminded me of my post on 16 ways to flirt with your husband! Stop on by to see her other [...]

  5. [...] 16 Ways To Flirt with Your Husband :: To Love, Honor, and Vaccum [...]

  6. [...] Sticky notes in his lunch or on the bathroom mirror! Check out these 2 posts for more ways to Flirt and to Play with your [...]

  7. [...] friend and fellow, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum did an amazing post 16 Ways to Flirt with your Husband.  Hop on over and check it our for some fun ideas.  Also be sure to check out Watermark Church [...]

  8. [...] 16 ways to flirt with your husband [...]

  9. [...] got a list of 16 sexy, flirty things you can do to laugh with your husband. But laughter is difficult to plan; it’s something that just comes from the moment. So plan [...]

  10. [...] their favourite meal or go to their favourite restaurant to enjoy a romantic dinner. Make things fun by blind-folding him/her and feeding them various flavours of ice-cream or sweets [...]

  11. [...] This one isn’t original. It’s from Sheila Gregorie over at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: Have a secret code phrase! My husband and I definitely have a few of these phrases floating around for when we are “in [...]

  12. [...] down the aisle after a breakup is how can I make him fall in love. Arrange for a man is the best way though does it? If you want to give you ever had a man suddenly happy when we achieve a smaller [...]

  13. [...] 29 Days to Great Sex Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband (25,030) [...]

  14. [...] 16 Ways To Flirt With Your Sweetie [...]

  15. [...] Read here for 16 fun and easy ideas! [...]

  16. [...] remarks.  Find ways to let him know you find him attractive and interesting.  (Here are some great flirting ideas from Sheila [...]

  17. [...] must credit To Love, Honor, and Vacuum for several of these ideas.  She has an AMAZING post on How to Flirt with Your Husband that will [...]

  18. [...] I think sharing “sexy” thoughts with one’s husband, and flirting, and playing together is all pretty great. I am not against sexual play or sexual fun at all. But [...]

  19. [...] on September 23, 2012 by Nicole Burkholder I recently came across this pin, 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband, and I was immediately intrigued.  Anyone who has been married for very long knows that it’s [...]

  20. [...] You know, typical stuff.  I found a Blog post that I thought was pretty cool.  It’s titled 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband.  Here are some of my favorite [...]

  21. [...] more ideas of how to flirt? Read Sheila’s complete list, 16 Ways to Flirt with your Husband. And don’t forget the best Father’s Day gift you can give your husband–31 Days to [...]

  22. [...] texts to him during the day, or some nibbles on his ear after dinner, or whispers to him. You can flirt. You can tease him. You can even [...]

  23. [...] yourself even more to loving your husband. Make your sex life great. Flirt with him. Nurture your marriage every way you can. As you find yourself spending more and more time with [...]

  24. [...] When we're dating we flirt. We wink at him. We take his hand. We give him that "come hither" look. But when we're married, too often we stop flirting. Why flirt when you've already got him? And if …  [...]

  25. […] certainly put a sexual spin on them if you want to. Later in the week we’ll look at how to flirt with your husband, but today I just want to focus on laughter–and laughter inspired by physical fun. Because […]

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  27. […] what he’s there for! So fantasize about him. Tell him what you’re thinking. Flirt with him. Play some games. Get more active. When you turn to erotica, you take the easy way out. You become […]

  28. […] Day 10: 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband Day 11: Appreciating Your Husband’s Body Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with […]

  29. […] fun and brings back the spice you might remember from your dating years! This year, resolute to flirt more with your spouse. There are so many fun ways to flirt, and your spouse just might be surprised and […]

  30. […] flirt! Make it a habit to do one flirty thing a day, like in this 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband […]

  31. […] really enjoyed this post by Sheila on 16 Ways to Flirt (at the bottom, she offers “rules of engagement, which I found to be […]

  32. […] really enjoyed this post by Sheila on 16 Ways to Flirt (at the bottom, she offers “rules of engagement, which I found to be […]

  33. […] You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to help Little Ole Me?” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay. And the more laughter, the more fun all […]

  34. […] 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband. Choose 1-2 to start doing […]

  35. […] Great Sex without talking about it! We’ve looked at how to increase friendship, self-esteem, play, and attitude, and today I want to spend today on something far more physically important because I […]

  36. […] you’re single or in a relationship flirting is a strategy that works to attract and keep the home-fires burning with […]

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