It’s here! The 29 Days to Great Sex! Every day in the month of February I’m going to post a new tip–some long, and some short–about how to make sex stupendous in your marriage. Whether you just need a few extra tips, or whether you’re really struggling in this area, this month is going to have lots of practical advice and inspiration and encouragement for you. Each day will have a little exercise you can do to make your sex life wonderful–or to just get you going in the right direction.
For today, let’s start with the very basics: what is sex really about?
When I was thinking about that question I came across this wedding photo. I don’t know how many of us would have been gutsy enough to have a wedding photograph taken while we’re sitting on a bed, but I think it’s refreshing, because it says:
This is important. This is a vital part of our relationship. And it all starts now.
Back in the 1980s, Tim Lahaye wrote a book called “The Act of Marriage”, which talked all about how to make sex great. (I guess back then that was as close to the word “sex” as you could get in a title for a Christian book!) But I think the phrase “the act of marriage” is an important one, because it does illustrate something significant: Sex is the acting out of everything that marriage is. We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely–and that means real intimacy, not just physical intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other!
Think about it: in marriage, we are fully committed to one another for life. We love each other and we cherish each other. We laugh together and we cry together. And in sex, we also do all of those things and express all of those things, because sex is uniquely created to do that. God made sex to feel great, but He also made it to be a deeply intimate experience.
Do you remember when you were a little kid in church and you heard the preacher read the verses in the KJV, “And Adam knew his wife Eve, and they conceived a son…”? Chances are you giggled and elbowed your friends, because we all thought the Bible translators were just trying to be polite. But they weren’t. The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” All of us were born with a deep hunger for spiritual connection, whether we pursue that in God or not. But God uses the same word to describe the way we join together with our spouse. It’s deeply intimate.
So sex is great on many levels: spiritual, emotional, and physical.
But while sex is supposed to be great, what if it’s not for you? I read this quotation on Twitter recently (and if someone can give me the original source, I’d be so grateful):
Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!
In other words, so many of us are having sex before we’re committed for life. The problem with that is that it makes sex all about the physical, and not about the spiritual or emotional connection. And then, because sex has come to mean mostly pleasure, it can lose its ability to really cement us together in other ways.
That’s problem one. Problem two is that when we do finally get married and commit to someone, we almost stop having sex. Or at least we have it rather infrequently. In surveys I took for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that 40% of couples made love less than once a week. We’re just not connecting that often.
So the “act of marriage”, that act that can be so wonderful, and so fun, and so significant, often isn’t even happening.
Or maybe for you it is happening, but it just doesn’t feel that great. You can’t figure out what all the fuss is about, and you’re worried that it was created for everyone but you. Or you’re haunted by your past–maybe stuff that you did breathlessly in the backseat of a car, or something that was done to you by an uncle, or a baby-sitter, or a date. Or maybe your husband just seems absent when you make love–like he’s thinking of anything but you.
And that intimacy just isn’t there.
This month we’re going to walk through these issues and uncover ways to find the true freedom that sex is supposed to be! Because sex is supposed to be great:
Physically: we’re supposed to feel wonderful together.
Emotionally: We’re supposed to be able to laugh, have fun, and have a deep friendship.
Spiritually: We’re supposed to feel deeply intimate and like one.
We’re going to start unpacking how we can increase the connection and the laughter during sex for the first week or so, and then we’re going to look at specific strategies to make sex itself great.
So here’s your first Great Sex Challenge: Rate your sex life on each of those three areas: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. And, if your husband’s up for it, ask him to do the same. And, if you’re up to it, say this as a prayer, or just journal it if you’re not religious:
I believe that sex was created to feel great physically, and that I am supposed to have a sex drive, and supposed to feel aroused, even if I don’t feel that way right now.
I believe that sex was created to make me feel loved.
I believe that sex was created to make me feel like one with my husband.
Now actually picture what a great sex life in each of those areas would look like. Picture yourself enjoying each of those three areas. You don’t have to understand how you’re going to get there yet. That will come! The important thing is that you see that this was the way it was meant to be–and it was meant to be that way for you, specifically, too. Whether you have major hangups, or lots of hurts, or fears or doubts; or whether things are just mediocre; or whether your marriage has scars; sex is supposed to be a big positive in your life and in your marriage. That is God’s plan for you. See it. Picture it. Believe it! If we can all start having a very positive and excited attitude about sex, sex would likely improve astronomically already. And now, over the next month, we’ll look practically at how we’re going to make it a reality!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 2: Starting Fresh
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I know Wednesday is usually Wifey Wednesday, so even though we’re doing things a little bit differently this month, I’m going to give you a place to link up! So if you have something to say about marriage–and even better if it’s about sex in marriage–then link up one of your posts below. And leave a link to this post, too, so others can join us for our 29 Days to Great Sex!
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I am so looking forward to this series. My husband and I just realized that we only had sex once in the whole month of January! And we don’t even have kids to blame!
Hoping this will help me catch a spark in my desire and find some ways to work around his crazy work schedule.
I’m really looking forward to this series. My husband and I have a great sex life, but I’m always looking for ways to make it better. Thank you for being an encouragement to women in this area. Sex is everywhere except where it should be. You are helping to bring it back to the marriage bed (or couch or shower or … ). Smiles.
I like that explanation about the act of marriage. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I am so looking forward to this series! This is an area that I need a confidence boost in. Thank you so much Sheila.
So looking forward to this! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and being so bold!
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Sheila I am super excited to start this. In a month where we focus on romantic love, we need to focus on the love that carries us through. I love the breakdown you take – spiritual, emotional and physical. I always thought of it just as physical. I’m praying that God takes away my misconceptions and gives me a new perspective during this study.
Awesome! Thanks, Michelle. I think we do think of it too much as just the physical, when it really can be so much more! And that’s what makes it so great.
Sheila,
Awesome start! I was especially glad to see:
Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!
I think this is spot on. We in the church have caught on to the first half of that, but many are still not getting the second half,
Paul Byerly recently posted..She wants a divorce! Help!
You are so insightful in understanding that sex is meant to do so much more than beget the next generation. It is the act that cements the marriage as it physically expresses the spiritual health of the marriage. It is truly from God, which is why Satan works so hard to pervert it and make it something merely physical and self serving.
Christie Martin recently posted..Wifey Wednesday: Jerk Training
Looking forward to this series!
Looking forward to reading along.
I’m so glad someone is finally talking about this subject….because I’ve needed to hear it the whole 8 years of my marriage.
Stacy @Stacy Makes Cents recently posted..How to Clean Lint From Your Dryer and 10 Ways to Use It
Great beginning, Sheila! Looking forward to the other 28 days! I tweeted and pinned.
Heather recently posted..2012 in 2012 – Week 4
Thank you, Heather!
I’m so glad you are writing this, Sheila, and I cannot wait for your book. A couple of weeks ago I dealt with sex as I was teaching my ladies Sunday School class … husbands thanked me!! And I wrote about sex on my blog (I linked up!) and had a man leave a comment that said “Thanks” and others I know personally express their gratitude.
We need to talk about this … not to heap guilt but to bring encouragement. We need to offer women the truth about how important a vibrant sex life is to a Christ-centered marriage!!
From my heart to yours, thank you!!!
You’re so welcome, Teri Lynne! And it’s great to see an internet friend visiting! Thanks for your support. I don’t know why churches are so scared to talk about it. Part of it may be just shyness, but I sometimes wonder if the other is just a fear of alienating those who aren’t married. And yet if we don’t talk about it in church, where do people go?
Great Post! I have that Act of Marriage book still on my shelf among the stacks that came later. This is a beautiful intro to what should be a wonderful month!
Gina Parris recently posted..6 Reasons Why the Devil Wants Your Sex Drive
Thank you for this. We’ve been married almost 15 years and admittedly, I’ve never had a strong sexual desire. But this is making me rethink my foundations and I pray a spark is produced that will bring intimacy back to our marriage in more ways than one.
I read that Satan comment in John and Staci Eldredge’s book “Love and War”. I don’t know if that’s the original source, but I know it was in there.
I am so expectant with this series – especially after I read this post! It was such a good reminder of what sex was designed to be!
I really loved this article. Perfect timing and everything! I normally don’t read this blog, I think I stumbled across through The Generous Wife, but I will definitely be tuning in for this series.
Also: “The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” ” Very interesting! I had no idea! I love to learn new Bible facts. That’s probably nerdy, but I’m a nerd, so it’s ok
From a fellow nerd, welcome!
Great post. The busyness of life often keeps us from being intimate with the one we love. Thanks for sharing.