29 Days to Great Sex Day 1: The Act of Marriage

It’s here! The 29 Days to Great Sex! Every day in the month of February I’m going to post a new tip–some long, and some short–about how to make sex stupendous in your marriage. Whether you just need a few extra tips, or whether you’re really struggling in this area, this month is going to have lots of practical advice and inspiration and encouragement for you. Each day will have a little exercise you can do to make your sex life wonderful–or to just get you going in the right direction.

For today, let’s start with the very basics: what is sex really about?

When I was thinking about that question I came across this wedding photo. I don’t know how many of us would have been gutsy enough to have a wedding photograph taken while we’re sitting on a bed, but I think it’s refreshing, because it says:

This is important. This is a vital part of our relationship. And it all starts now.

Back in the 1980s, Tim Lahaye wrote a book called “The Act of Marriage”, which talked all about how to make sex great. (I guess back then that was as close to the word “sex” as you could get in a title for a Christian book!) But I think the phrase “the act of marriage” is an important one, because it does illustrate something significant: Sex is the acting out of everything that marriage is. We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely–and that means real intimacy, not just physical intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other!

Think about it: in marriage, we are fully committed to one another for life. We love each other and we cherish each other. We laugh together and we cry together. And in sex, we also do all of those things and express all of those things, because sex is  uniquely created to do that. God made sex to feel great, but He also made it to be a deeply intimate experience.

Do you remember when you were a little kid in church and you heard the preacher read the verses in the KJV, “And Adam knew his wife Eve, and they conceived a son…”? Chances are you giggled and elbowed your friends, because we all thought the Bible translators were just trying to be polite. But they weren’t. The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” All of us were born with a deep hunger for spiritual connection, whether we pursue that in God or not. But God uses the same word to describe the way we join together with our spouse. It’s deeply intimate.

So sex is great on many levels: spiritual, emotional, and physical.

Day 1: The Act of Marriage (29 day series on how to enhance intimacy!)

But while sex is supposed to be great, what if it’s not for you? I read this quotation on Twitter recently (and if someone can give me the original source, I’d be so grateful):

Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!

In other words, so many of us are having sex before we’re committed for life. The problem with that is that it makes sex all about the physical, and not about the spiritual or emotional connection. And then, because sex has come to mean mostly pleasure, it can lose its ability to really cement us together in other ways.

That’s problem one. Problem two is that when we do finally get married and commit to someone, we almost stop having sex. Or at least we have it rather infrequently. In surveys I took for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that 40% of couples made love less than once a week. We’re just not connecting that often.

So the “act of marriage”, that act that can be so wonderful, and so fun, and so significant, often isn’t even happening.

Or maybe for you it is happening, but it just doesn’t feel that great. You can’t figure out what all the fuss is about, and you’re worried that it was created for everyone but you. Or you’re haunted by your past–maybe stuff that you did breathlessly in the backseat of a car, or something that was done to you by an uncle, or a baby-sitter, or a date. Or maybe your husband just seems absent when you make love–like he’s thinking of anything but you.

And that intimacy just isn’t there.

This month we’re going to walk through these issues and uncover ways to find the true freedom that sex is supposed to be! Because sex is supposed to be great:

Physically: we’re supposed to feel wonderful together.

Emotionally: We’re supposed to be able to laugh, have fun, and have a deep friendship.

Spiritually: We’re supposed to feel deeply intimate and like one.

We’re going to start unpacking how we can increase the connection and the laughter during sex for the first week or so, and then we’re going to look at specific strategies to make sex itself great.

So here’s  your first Great Sex Challenge: Rate your sex life on each of those three areas: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. And, if your husband’s up for it, ask him to do the same. And, if you’re up to it, say this as a prayer, or just journal it if you’re not religious:

I believe that sex was created to feel great physically, and that I am supposed to have a sex drive, and supposed to feel aroused, even if I don’t feel that way right now.

I believe that sex was created to make me feel loved.

I believe that sex was created to make me feel like one with my husband.

Now actually picture what a great sex life in each of those areas would look like. Picture yourself enjoying each of those three areas. You don’t have to understand how you’re going to get there yet. That will come! The important thing is that you see that this was the way it was meant to be–and it was meant to be that way for you, specifically, too. Whether you have major hangups, or lots of hurts, or fears or doubts; or whether things are just mediocre; or whether your marriage has scars; sex is supposed to be a big positive in your life and in your marriage. That is God’s plan for you. See it. Picture it. Believe it! If we can all start having a very positive and excited attitude about sex, sex would likely improve astronomically already. And now, over the next month, we’ll look practically at how we’re going to make it a reality!

31 Days to Great Sex
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)

It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! 31 Days to boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You'll talk, flirt, and explore! Ignite your marriage here.



Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

Next:
29 Days to Great Sex:
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex When You Have Kids
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when You Make Love
Day 28: Overcoming Selfishness
Day 29: A Contest & a Party!

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The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am so looking forward to this series. My husband and I just realized that we only had sex once in the whole month of January! And we don’t even have kids to blame! :-) Hoping this will help me catch a spark in my desire and find some ways to work around his crazy work schedule.

  2. I’m really looking forward to this series. My husband and I have a great sex life, but I’m always looking for ways to make it better. Thank you for being an encouragement to women in this area. Sex is everywhere except where it should be. You are helping to bring it back to the marriage bed (or couch or shower or … ). Smiles.

  3. I like that explanation about the act of marriage. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.

  4. I am so looking forward to this series! This is an area that I need a confidence boost in. Thank you so much Sheila.

  5. So looking forward to this! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and being so bold!
    Erin (Mystery32) recently posted…What’s wrong with celebs?My Profile

  6. Sheila I am super excited to start this. In a month where we focus on romantic love, we need to focus on the love that carries us through. I love the breakdown you take – spiritual, emotional and physical. I always thought of it just as physical. I’m praying that God takes away my misconceptions and gives me a new perspective during this study.

    • Awesome! Thanks, Michelle. I think we do think of it too much as just the physical, when it really can be so much more! And that’s what makes it so great.

  7. Sheila,

    Awesome start! I was especially glad to see:

    Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!

    I think this is spot on. We in the church have caught on to the first half of that, but many are still not getting the second half,
    Paul Byerly recently posted…She wants a divorce! Help!My Profile

    • You are so insightful in understanding that sex is meant to do so much more than beget the next generation. It is the act that cements the marriage as it physically expresses the spiritual health of the marriage. It is truly from God, which is why Satan works so hard to pervert it and make it something merely physical and self serving.
      Christie Martin recently posted…Wifey Wednesday: Jerk TrainingMy Profile

  8. Looking forward to this series! :D

  9. Looking forward to reading along.

  10. I’m so glad someone is finally talking about this subject….because I’ve needed to hear it the whole 8 years of my marriage.
    Stacy @Stacy Makes Cents recently posted…How to Clean Lint From Your Dryer and 10 Ways to Use ItMy Profile

  11. Great beginning, Sheila! Looking forward to the other 28 days! I tweeted and pinned.
    Heather recently posted…2012 in 2012 – Week 4My Profile

  12. I’m so glad you are writing this, Sheila, and I cannot wait for your book. A couple of weeks ago I dealt with sex as I was teaching my ladies Sunday School class … husbands thanked me!! And I wrote about sex on my blog (I linked up!) and had a man leave a comment that said “Thanks” and others I know personally express their gratitude.

    We need to talk about this … not to heap guilt but to bring encouragement. We need to offer women the truth about how important a vibrant sex life is to a Christ-centered marriage!!

    From my heart to yours, thank you!!!

    • You’re so welcome, Teri Lynne! And it’s great to see an internet friend visiting! Thanks for your support. I don’t know why churches are so scared to talk about it. Part of it may be just shyness, but I sometimes wonder if the other is just a fear of alienating those who aren’t married. And yet if we don’t talk about it in church, where do people go?

  13. Great Post! I have that Act of Marriage book still on my shelf among the stacks that came later. This is a beautiful intro to what should be a wonderful month!
    Gina Parris recently posted…6 Reasons Why the Devil Wants Your Sex DriveMy Profile

  14. anonymous says:

    Thank you for this. We’ve been married almost 15 years and admittedly, I’ve never had a strong sexual desire. But this is making me rethink my foundations and I pray a spark is produced that will bring intimacy back to our marriage in more ways than one.

  15. I read that Satan comment in John and Staci Eldredge’s book “Love and War”. I don’t know if that’s the original source, but I know it was in there.

  16. I am so expectant with this series – especially after I read this post! It was such a good reminder of what sex was designed to be!

  17. I really loved this article. Perfect timing and everything! I normally don’t read this blog, I think I stumbled across through The Generous Wife, but I will definitely be tuning in for this series.

    Also: “The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” ” Very interesting! I had no idea! I love to learn new Bible facts. That’s probably nerdy, but I’m a nerd, so it’s ok ;)

  18. Great post. The busyness of life often keeps us from being intimate with the one we love. Thanks for sharing.

  19. I just came across this a few days ago, but I love this idea. Even if February is over, I’m thinking about doing this with my husband in the month of March, even if there are 31 days in the month! Thank you for writing this! So many Christian women out there need to hear this message!
    Hannah Williams recently posted…Heart of the MatterMy Profile

  20. I really need these lessons. I just found the blog, but will go through it one day at a time still. I need some healing and a new, Biblical way of thinking about sex. It’s exactly what I’ve been praying to hear. I really have not been taught any of this and had no clue where to start the process of “fixing” things. Thank you…
    (And, I read that quote in Dr. Eggerichs’ book, Love & Respect. His says it more like “Satan’s goal is to get you into bed before marriage and to keep out of bed after marriage.” I don’t know if it is his originally.)

    • Thanks, Christy! I’ll check and see if I can find the quote there, because I do want to know where it came from. Glad you found me!

  21. jennifer says:

    I just found this blog, and love out by the way, and my husband and i are discussing this challenge and when trying to communicate where we want to be its hard i can picture it but i am finding it hard to communicate in words what it means any suggestions?

  22. that quote is from the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs :)

  23. This is going to be so helpful. Thank you!

  24. I saw this for the first time. It is great!

  25. Susan Little says:

    i’m trying to find the poll… I DEF think #1 is the best.. :)

  26. The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex.
    Tulisa recently posted…Melt Your Man’s Heart Review – Will It Work For You?My Profile

  27. If you want to read all 29 days to great sex posts – Start here on her blog: The Act of Marriage
    Tulisa recently posted…Melt Your Man’s Heart Review – Can You Really Get Your Ex Back?My Profile

  28. Sheila, I don’t mean to sound offensive – but this article got me in the mood lol. You do a great job here. Although, I’ve just found your blog today, I think I’m gonna stick around and start on this series. Lucky me, they’re all laid out right here :)

    Thanks
    -Jason

  29. I just came across this a few days ago, but I love this idea. Even if February is over, I’m thinking about doing this with my husband in the month of March, even if there are 31 days in the month! Thank you for writing this! So many Christian women out there need to hear this message!
    Tulisa recently posted…Does Pregnancy Miracle Work? My Detailed ReviewMy Profile

  30. Not sure if anyone has posted this yet, but the quote, “Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!” is in the book “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. My husband just read this to me the other night. Hope this helps. :-)

  31. I’m about two yrs too late for this challenge but I think im gonna try it. I’m in a self focused mood right now because of our marriage so it will be a little hard to start. I really have a good man. No ones perfect n I’m even less perfect than him. So here goes…

  32. I just found this blog! A pastor told us about the book “Act of Marriage” so I went to pinterest and found the 29 days to great sex.
    After 22 years of marriage….. I read day one and so many comments hit home to me and I see change a coming.

  33. Hi Sheila,

    I have so enjoyed, learned, and grown from all your writings and from you audience comments.  I have a question for you to possible post.

    I am scheduled for a complete hystrectamy next week. Part of my recovery is that I can have no intercourse for 8 weeks! I am so lucky that my husband is one with  very high sex drive. This 8 weeks is going to be a huge challenge.  I am making a box called “While You Wait”. Inside I plan to have 8 separate boxes. One for each week as I recover and feel better each week. Inside those boxes will be ideas of things (sexual ” but no intercourse”) that we can do together. So I am looking for creative and bibical ideas? 

    Thank you

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] we talked about how central sex was in a marriage: it’s supposed to be the acting out of everything marriage signifies, and it’s supposed [...]

  2. [...] just two days we’re launching into 29 Days to Great Sex, and it’s going to be a ton of fun. We’ll be looking at all kinds of different aspects [...]

  3. [...] far we’ve looked at the purpose of sex and the lies we sometimes believe about sex, because we can’t have great sex if our heads [...]

  4. [...] 29 Days To Great Sex – Day One – Another excellent series that is sure to cover all the issues surrounding this vital part of a healthy marriage. Follow this blog to read all 29 posts. She’s on day three! Like This? Share it:EmailPrintMoreDiggLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour, Intimacy and tagged Christian, God, Holy, marriage, relationship, Sexual intimacy. Bookmark the permalink. ← Love Does Not Envy [...]

  5. [...] far we’ve looked at the purpose of sex and the lies we sometimes believe about sex, because we can’t have great sex if our heads [...]

  6. [...] with you both relaxed, talk about your dreams for your sex life. You wrote some of these out on Day One, but let’s make them more specific. Share them with your husband. Do you long to be able to [...]

  7. [...] Day 1: The Act of Marriage Day 2: Starting Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction Day 8: Playing with Your Hubby! Day 9: Prepare for Sex Throughout the Day [...]

  8. [...] you been joining us for the 29 Days to Great Sex? We started by challenging us to think differently about sex–and see it as a very positive thing. For the last few days we’ve been looking at how to [...]

  9. [...] if you go back to the beginning, you’ll find that’s what I’m recommending: baby steps. Just little things, [...]

  10. [...] your way through each day because they build on each other. Don’t pick and choose. Start with Day 1 and read through one each day with your spouse. I promise you won’t regret [...]

  11. [...] Hello, everybody! Hope you’re all recovered from our 29 Days to Great Sex–and hope you all keep it up! If you missed out on all the fun, you can go back to day 1 right here. [...]

  12. [...] I haven’t been running my columns for the last month on this blog because I was writing the 29 Days to Great Sex, but I thought it’s time to begin again. So here’s this [...]

  13. [...] spouses can thank me later. Heh. On that note, if you’re married, I read this great series on having better sex in marriage–SO, so [...]

  14. [...] Welcome, Dennis Prager listeners! Thanks for checking me out, and checking out my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Look around and have fun. And the 29 Days to Great Sex Challenge started here. [...]

  15. [...] him” (#25), I can help! I’ve got a 29 Days to Great Sex series that begins right here, and my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, goes into how to create a truly [...]

  16. [...] Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. You can also check out Sheila’s blog posts from February 29 Days to Great Sex. Sheila does a fabulous job describing God’s design for sex and how to thoroughly enjoy the [...]

  17. [...] how to prepare for sex throughout the day. I’ve got lots of advice in that post from the 29 Days to Great Sex series on how to do practical things during the day so you’re in the right frame of mind [...]

  18. [...] Make Love. 29 days to great sex. [...]

  19. [...] I’d like to throw up a question that I got asked a lot during my 29 Days to Great Sex event, especially after the post on Pucker Up. One email went like this: I find it hard to get in [...]

  20. [...] failed you, think about how you can meet his needs. For many men, sex plays a big role here, and my 29 Days to Great Sex challenge can be one way to start filling that gap and bringing you closer together. I don’t [...]

  21. [...] this blog, I talk a lot about how to create a dynamic, intimate marriage. We look at how to make your sex life better. We look at parenting, and resolving conflict, and coming to terms with your [...]

  22. [...] in February I wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex here on this blog. If you didn’t participate, it’s not too late to start now! Just go back to [...]

  23. [...] Love, Honor and Vacuum’s, “29 Days To Great Sex” – take the time to read all 29! Share this:TwitterFacebookEmailRedditLike this:LikeBe the [...]

  24. [...] in improving intimacy with your husband, you might like Sheila’s series “29 Days to Great Sex,” which is available for free, online. (Even if you and your husband are already, [...]

  25. [...] try to have a new start. If you haven’t worked through the 29 Days to Great Sex, that’s a good place to start. And special announcement: I’m working on an ebook of the [...]

  26. [...] Let’s not forget the final part: sex actually feels good! Now, maybe for you it doesn’t yet. That’s okay. As I found in the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it can take a decade or so for couples to find that sex works like clockwork. It needs practice! So if you’re not there yet, pick up the book for some great tips, and work through our 29 Days to Great Sex! [...]

  27. [...] also getting an ebook version of my 29 Days to Great Sex Challenge ready–but it’s going to be 31 Days! It will also have about 5 extra challenges, because [...]

  28. [...] The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex. [...]

  29. [...] Make Love.29 days to great sex. [...]

  30. [...] week I’m putting the final touches on the 31 Days to Great Sex ebook! If you liked the 29 Days series, this is going to be even better. Instead of being directed just at women, it’s directed at [...]

  31. [...] so many of you participated in my 29 Days to Great Sex last winter, and asked for a book form of it, I thought I really should put one together. But it [...]

  32. [...] is a big week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, because the book form of my blog series the 29 Days to Great Sex is coming out tomorrow–although this time it’s the 31 Days to Great Sex! I’ve [...]

  33. [...] 29 Days to Great Sex Day 1: The Act of Marriage (884) [...]

  34. [...] “To Love, Honor and Vacuum” Blog [...]

  35. [...] If you want to read all 29 days to great sex posts – Start here on her blog: The Act of Marriage [...]

  36. [...] think a lot of it is based in our own personal shame. When we worked through the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge last year, the one challenge that people  had the hardest time with was the day I asked [...]

  37. [...] Christian values. (And if you want to get your hubby interested, go to her challenges such as 29 Days To Great Sex!) Sheila, the author, also has other resources available and a parenting [...]

  38. [...] Christian values. (And if you want to get your hubby interested, go to her challenges such as 29 Days To Great Sex!) Sheila, the author, also has other resources available and a parenting [...]

  39. [...] blog today, and I’m glad you’ve come over! You may also be interested in my 29 Days to Great Sex series. Otherwise, read on for some more great marriage [...]

  40. […] libido, and I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone in my marriage. Last month I wrote 29 Days to Great Sex, where I talked about how to make sex wonderful in your marriage. I was focusing on the things that […]

  41. […] in the final few days of our 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, available right now for the […]

  42. […] Day 1: The Act of Marriage Day 2: Starting Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game […]

  43. […] Day 1: The Act of Marriage Day 2: Starting Fresh Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In Day 4: Pucker Up! Day 5: Reawaken Desire Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You! Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”? Day 15: What is Foreplay? Day 16: How to Orgasm Day 17: The Pleasure Center […]

  44. […] Let’s not forget the final part: sex actually feels good! Now, maybe for you it doesn’t yet. That’s okay. As I found in the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it can take a decade or so for couples to find that sex works like clockwork. It needs practice! So if you’re not there yet, pick up the book for some great tips, and work through our 29 Days to Great Sex! […]

  45. […] The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex. […]

  46. […] because that’s not how I want to feel about myself. Those of you who worked through my 29 Days of Great Sex series from February will remember this, but one of the first things I told you to do (I think it […]

  47. […] desire for her, convince her that she is being used, not loved.  As we both know, the ultimate Act of Marriage can bond them together in a way that can undo much hard work on our part.  Because of this, do not […]

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