Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?

'Holding hands at vigil' photo (c) 2009, Keshet: GLBT inclusion in the Jewish Community - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/Waiting until your marriage for sex. That’s a quaint idea, isn’t it? And rather unrealistic, right?

I can understand why people think that. After all, sex is something enjoyable, and we don’t want to get so uptight that we don’t live life to the fullest. And with most couples living together now before marriage, it’s assumed that everyone will have sex.

Even those in the church don’t really wait. In the survey I did for my research for my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only 37% of Christian women actually did wait until their wedding night. Most of us are starting marriage with sexual experience. So if that’s true, is it really such a big deal?

Yep. Here’s the thing: of those who did make love to their now husbands before they were married, many expressed amazing regret. But of the virgins, not one said, “I wish I had been more experienced.”

And that makes sense, because sex is so much better when it’s kept between marriage. I know abstinence seems impossible, but it’s not. And when you wait, you open yourself up to the best sex life possible, because those who tend to enjoy sex the most tend to be those who waited for marriage. And there’s reasons for that: you have less sexual baggage; you end up being better friends; you feel closer to God; and you learn to appreciate all aspects of sex, and not just the physical pleasure. I wrote a long article about the benefits of waiting a while back, and it’s been linked to a ton on Pinterest this week, which reminded me about it, and made me think that perhaps I should remind you of it, too.

So please read it, and share it with your friends who aren’t married yet. Waiting until you’re married is a blessing. It sets you up for marriage right. And it is absolutely possible.

I was also reminded of this by this YouTube clip I saw passed around Twitter lately: a young man explains “sex, love, and fairytales”. Again, excellent. Please share it with young people you know!



And the best way to share? Just hit the Facebook buttons or Twitter buttons below, and then tell your friends to read & watch these. (And can you hit the Facebook F button and not just the Like? That way they’ll see it in their newsfeed easier. Thank you!)

Wait until marriage. It’s such an important issue. And we’ve forgotten that it’s not just possible; it’s actually wonderful and freeing. And in all of February, we’re starting the 29 Days to Great Sex for those of you who are already married! So stay tuned (and subscribe below!).

Comments

  1. There’s nothing I regret more than not being a virgin when I married, and marrying a virgin.
    Sharon recently posted…Prayer: Our Time-SaverMy Profile

  2. Hubby and I were both virgins when we got married. Yes, it made for an interesting wedding night (as your previous post talked about), but I wouldn’t trade that for the world! It’s something I don’t want to experience with any other person.
    Stacey recently posted…Baby TalentMy Profile

  3. As a college student who is nowhere close to getting married (not even dating anyone–perfectly okay with that!), I just love how you present abstinence. You don’t just refer to the potential physical ramifications of not waiting; you also explain the emotional and spiritual side of it as well, which is not often considered by people my age. As a Christian, I cannot wait to give myself to my husband on my wedding night because I know that it will be one of the best gifts I can ever give him. Am I a little afraid/nervous of what’s going to happen? Definitely. I’m sure most women (and men) are their first time. But knowing I am obeying the Lord and respecting my future husband by waiting is the best part of waiting. Just thought I’d throw my two cents in as a single girl still waiting for her guy. :)

    • That’s beautiful, Allyson! And way to go. It really is about the spiritual & emotional aspects, too. And believe me, sex is so much better afterwards (and if you’re a little nervous; don’t worry. That goes away, too!).

  4. Do I wish I waited? No. Because, for me, that would be like wishing my daughter away. If I had a guarantee that I could have that same daughter if I had waited, would I wish I had waited? Probably. Of course, if I had waited, I could probably gotten married sooner and had my dream wedding, plus a house, but changing one thing can change so much and there are some things I wouldn’t change. If I was asked by someone today if they should wait, I would tell them yes.

    • Rachel, I’m sure many moms feel the same way as you! Whatever happened happened for everyone’s good now. But you’re right–we can tell the younger generation to wait!

  5. I am very glad that my husband and I waited. I remembering thinking that I would NEVER get to have sex because it was taking for-ev-er to get married (at all of 24 years old!). Then I realized that I was falling in love with my best friend and 9 months later we were married. I wouldn’t trade the awkwardness of being virgins for any amount of experience.
    Vinae recently posted…Fearful MomMy Profile

  6. Hmmm… this is an interesting topic that is so deep and so multi-layered. I believe in the bible, and therefor, I believe it is true. I do believe it is wise to wait until marriage to make love to your spouse, not because God is trying to keep us from something beautiful, but because He is preparing us for something even better WITHIN the marriage relationship. I had a young girl in a prayer group honestly ask me if I thought she should sleep with her long-time boyfriend. I wasn’t surprised and at first was just listening. Her reasons? “My parents won’t let us get married until we’re done school. We’ve been together 2 years. So, now, I’m supposed to wait another 7 years before I can have sex with this guy? That’s ridiculous.” I said what I probably shouldn’t have. I said, “Yeah, it is.” We then discussed the healthy sexuality we have and that today’s society is kind of messed up in that we live this prolonged “childhood” of University. We’re supposed to remain pure when we are more ready and most physically healthy and able TO make love and make babies. But no. We have to wait. No wonder so many young Christians aren’t waiting! Their bodies are driving them nuts! I did express why I felt it was important TO wait and suggested maybe marrying sooner. (ha). My husband and I have been together 8 years and I’m 28. We were married at 20 after getting pregnant while dating. So, yep, I know the WHOLLLLLE thing about pre-marrital sex. We lives in condemnation from his church and parents for years. So, I have a different perspective on sex before marriage. I think it is just one more thing we can add to the long list of things we mess up God’s plan for… and need grace for. I think too often churches focus on this type of sin and neglect many others that are equally destructive. I’m not disagreeing with this post at all or the idea of no sex before marriage but just expressing that it’s not always a cut and dry answer. I have a good friend who waited along with her husband… they waited and waited and waited and built sex up to be this AMMMMAAAZZZZINNNNG experience that it just wasn’t for her. At least not for the first several times. Her husband was so pent up and “in waiting” for so long, he became odd and actually ended up quite obsessed with sex in a bizarre way. I have friends who waited and enjoyed a beautiful first “night” together and have been blessed in their relationships. Then there’s the people like me and my hubby who messed up a lot and have worked hard to re-build our sexual relationship to a healthy status before God. And it isn’t easy when you’ve got all this baggage to deal with.

    I think the biggest issue with sexual sin is that you carry it with you far more closely than other sin. It affects your very soul because, as the Word says, it is a sin done unto the body. And when we come together with someone in this intimate way, we GIVE a piece of ourselves to that person… a piece we can never get back. And it takes a long time for all those missing pieces to be properly filled again. And the only One who can really fill them is Jesus. His graces covers all, but it’s isn’t an easy journey…

    What a complex topic that was meant to be so simple, so beautiful. Looking forward to the new series. xo.

    Cass
    Cassandra recently posted…Blessed Dishes (featured post at The Better Mom)My Profile

    • Cass, that’s why I believe in early marriages (as long as the two people are mature enough to choose well)! You’re right, we do mess up, and there is grace there. My issue, though, is what you said at the end. Sexual sin we carry with us far more than other sins, and if we do wait, sex honestly is so much better. Not that we should wait for purely selfish reasons; it’s just that I hate to see something marred when it didn’t have to be that way.

      • So many marriages (my parents included) occurred 20, 30, 40 years ago, when two people were too young to marry, but basically (as you stated above) didn’t want to wait until their mid-twenties to have sex, or didn’t want to be with the same person for many years without having sex. As a teacher, I have worked with several women who are a generation older than me that pretty much said they got married young so they didn’t have to wait for sex…marrying their high school sweatheart, going from mom and dad’s right to their husband’s home, just a few months after high school graduation. How many of those marriages have ended and how many are truly happy?

        I was 27 when I got married. I got my degree when I could completely focus on my studies, worked for a few years, enjoyed some activities as a single person, had a chance to mature and “find” myself. I was able to spend and save money as I wanted, travel where I wanted, spend my evenings/weekends as I wanted (I could stay in bed until noon if I wanted!!), watch the TV shows I wanted, eat the food I wanted, sit and read a book all day if I wanted. I learned how to shovel snow, jump a car, take out a loan, fix a leaky sink, and many other skills that women don’t typically do with a husband around. I dated, but that doesn’t imply sex. It means I dated several people to find my perfect mate and to know what qualities I wanted to find in a mate (the whole kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince plays in here…again, not talking about sex). The human brain doesn’t completely reach maturity until around the age of 25…making a life decision before that should be cautioned.

        I read a post not too long ago on a blog discussing the new credit card commercial where the man proposes and the women says “but I have so many things to do…(like a climb a mountain, travel to some country, go back to school…I don’t really remember) and the blogger was very disparging of the commercial saying people should get married young (the blog was about the rising ages of when people marry and how he felt that was determintal) and do all those things together, that having dreams is a poor reason not to marry. They can get married and share those dreams, but…. What if your spouse has no interest in climbing a mountain, hated to fly, or wants you stay home and have 15 babies? What if you have no desire to go fly-fishing, spend weekends at the races, or bungee off a bridge? Do you both completely give up your dreams (which at some point will become regret and resentment) or go pursue these interests alone (which is not usually a great relationship builder)? And this is the norm…you have dreams, plans that once you are married, have children, responsibilities, limited finances, etc will never come to fruition.

        I love my husband, I love my children, I love being a stay-at-home mom, and I love being a wife. But the best part of it, I have few regrets about my life. I got to live out some/most of my youthful dreams (as did my husband)and so don’t have that feeling of resentment or longing for “something more” you often find in couples who married young and started families young.

        I very much plan to encourage my children to wait to get married until they have matured into who they were meant to be. I will also very much encourage my children to wait until they are married to have sex. While we might physically be ready, we still have the mental capicity for restraint. Isn’t it worth having a good solid marriage to both wait until you are truly ready to marry and to wait for marriage to have sex?

    • Cassandra – It does seem more and more parents put education ahead of chastity. Of course they deny that, but it is what they are doing.

      HOWEVER, I am starting to see folks who are bucking that trend – parents who are ready to sacrifice to help their kids get married when they should. I pray more and more will see that following the culture may mean not following God!
      Paul Byerly recently posted…She needs respect tooMy Profile

  7. I love this topic. I remember teaching this subject to my group of high school sunday schoolers when I was in my early 20′s. I made a handout and everything. This quote was on the cover from JOsh Harris’s book “I kissed dating goodbye.”
    “The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play and as we watch, the world says ‘This is love.’ God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, ‘This is love’.”- Joshua Harris
    My husband and I did wait for our wedding night. But I have witnessed so much pain and agony from sex “in all the wrong places and all teh wrong people.” God does not want to keep anything from us. He is protecting our hearts from the kind of attachment that brings. And if we are not commited for life, a whole lot of pain will come.
    i pray with all my heart that I get this message across to my own children.
    Theresa recently posted…This is why God made little boys….My Profile

  8. There is an additional factor in play, that you may or may have considered.

    Men like variety, women like quality. When women engage in premarital sex, they are often doing so with the highest-status man available to them.

    Well, a girl can get sexual attention from men that are way out of her marriage league. How do you think male college athletes get such high partner counts?

    Answer, because many women make the calculated decision to sleep with these men, hoping for a relationship.

    Back before the sexual revolution, when premarital sex was less socially acceptable, a woman could not just sleep with some random “hot guy” on the outside chance that he would commit.

    This is why so many Christian males have given up, and secular males as well.

    We have to wait through the twenties and thirties while so many women “find themselves” sexually. By the time these women learn the tough lessons about players, the good men are accustomed to being ignored and just continue along.

    Why should I be 52nd choice for some girl who turned her 20s and 30s into a big dating party, constantly dating and getting dumped by jerks?

    Having thus deprived their future husband of her youth and innocence, she now wants me to “man up” and put a ring on her finger.

    Twenty years of being told that I was a “nice guy” who is a “great catch” but “you’re not my type”, I take them at their word. All my female friends told me they “wish they had someone to set me up with”, and “I wish my boyfriend was nice like you”.

    Of course, they preferred their jerky boyfriend to a chaste, Christian guy who was just not “exciting” enough.

    Do I sound like a bitter, judgmental jerk? I suppose I do. But calling me that will not make me marry anyone.

    I can tell you one thing, Sheila – my decision to act in a Godly manner in this regard has been extremely costly to me. And I resent the women who were out having a party and making “favorite mistakes”.

    I can’t trust someone like that. Better to remain alone.

    • Jack, I can understand your bitterness, but I think your situation has clouded the reality. Before my writing my book I took a huge survey of over 1000 Christian women–Christians who took their faith seriously, not just were Christian in name only. Of those who were Christians on their wedding night, 44% were virgins. Another 25% had made love to their fiances, but not to anyone else. Yes, 30% had had more than one sexual partner, but the vast majority of those were only 1 or 2.

      So your characterization of Christian women having sex with a ton of guys in their 20s and 30s is not accurate. Are there some that are doing it? Yes. But not the majority who attend church every week.

      Yes, there are other surveys that show that Christians are not remaining chaste, but many of those surveys allow people to self-identify as Christians without clarification, and let’s remember that 70% of Americans say they are born again and believe in Jesus.

      I just think that you are upset because of your situation, and as I said before, you are painting a very ugly picture of the church–one that does not match up to what I have witnessed or to what the research says. Does that mean that you haven’t experienced it? No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that your experience is not typical, despite what many of the manosphere blogs say.

      For instance, I was a virgin on my wedding night, and of my 10 closest friends, only 1 was not. And we’re quite typical of Christian women who attend evangelical churches and volunteer on a regular basis. The idea that most Christian women have sex like crazy in their 20s and 30s is just not accurate.

      • van Rooinek says:

        You killed my post from yesterday, so I’ll be brief…. Jack’s and Deti’s experiences are much more normative than you realize. Legions of Christian men report similar. Your “huge survey” of over 1000 women, and your 10 virgin til marriage friends, must represent extreme subject selection bias.

        Please SERIOUSLY read the stuff at Dalrock’s on this topic. It’s MUCH more prevalent than you imagine. And among women who attend church regularly, know the Scriptures, and imagine themselves to be “good Christians”…. yet have rationalization hamsters the size of capybaras.

        Take it from the good men who have ended up on the wrong side of it. We’re not lying, we’re not exaggerating. Unfortunately.

        • I understand that is your point of view, but here’s what I’d appreciate if people realized: this is a blog dedicated to helping women improve their marriages. I’m interested in practically helping women from a Christian perspective. I’m not interested in debating whether Christian women are horrible or not, which seems to be what some of you want to do. You seem to be interested in winning an argument; I want to actually do some good in the world. I believe that is what Christ wants: for us to encourage one another to be the best wives and husbands that we can be, and to learn to love each other properly. If you truly profess Christ, then I would just ask you what good are you doing to the body of Christ to leave comments about how most Christian women sleep around and aren’t worth marrying (especially when this statistic is not true). Are you damaging the body of Christ, or helping it?

          Yes, we need to call people to purity, but if you will note, that is what this post is about. It is urging people to wait for marriage. I am already calling people to purity. To then go on and write about how Christian women are horrible because they aren’t staying pure (even though a huge minority still are, and most of the rest have only had sex with the man they marry and maybe one other) is not edifying the body of Christ. And that is why these posts are being removed. I want to make a difference; not win an argument. I would like to point people in the right direction, not demoralize them or yell at them or scandalize them. I would like to give them tools to make their marriages better. And, if you would read the rest of the blog, you will see that I am hardly being easy on women; I am urging women to do what God told them to do. I hope that you and other commenters, if you really do believe Jesus, will help me encourage marriages, rather than trying to tear down the Christian church and those who are coming here for honest advice (which is the majority of my audience).

        • Or, to put it another way, did Jesus run around calling women sluts? Or did he gently but firmly call them to a higher standard, equipping them along the way? I am doing the latter. It looks like you are trying to do the former, and, it seems, want me to join you. That is not the purpose of this blog, nor is it biblical. And that’s really all I have to say on the subject!

          • van Rooinek says:

            You misread my motives terribly. I’m not here to tear down women or the church or to call them “sluts”. I would like nothing better than to see all women (and men) embrace Christian sexual and marriage standards. What sets me off, is that I (and, if the manosphere is to be believed, many other Christian men), suffered great pain during our single years at the hands of seemingly “good chaste Christian women”, women who walked and talked like you and appeared to embrace what you embrace, but who turned out to be anything BUT that in private. If they were all like you, there’d be no problem.

            But I do see your point: Likely most of the women who come to your blog (and fill out your surveys), are precisely that minority who either never were like that, or repented of it. So it’s probably useless to vent about it here. It really belongs at Dalrock’s, since that site’s mission is in part to warn men against that type of woman. Your mission is to see to it that they AREN’T that type of woman, and I do hope you succeed.

          • Thank you. I think we understand each other better now, and I do appreciate the best wishes.

          • Actually, Jesus did not “run around calling women sluts”. But if a woman was a slut, He called her a slut to her face, using, of course, first century language and customs.

            1. The Samaritan woman at the well: Jesus told her the truth about herself (that she had had five husbands, and the man she was with was not her lawful husband), and she believed on Him. Jesus was essentially calling her an adulteress and a fornicator to her face. And she knew it was true.

            2. Mary Magdalene. Jesus implicitly recognized her adultery and fornication publicly when He told the assembly to “cast the first stone” who was sinless among them. Then He told her to “go and sin no more”.

          • And how, exactly, is your comment that you just made helping women who come to this particular post, who are likely young, whom I am trying to encourage to wait until they are married? How, exactly, are you furthering the kingdom of God right now? Jesus confronted people on what they were doing (and many single women coming here HAVE NOT had sex, and so you saying that Christian women all sleep around is not accurate or true), but He also offered hope and a way out, which is exactly what I am doing. You seem intent, instead, on calling out women who have acted badly, even though that is the minority on this website. So let me ask you: are you trying to be part of the solution, and helping women have great marriages? Or are you trying to stir things up? Because I’m really not interested in the latter. It does not help the kingdom of God.

            To get back to my original post, it was meant to encourage women to wait. Do you have a problem with that? And if you don’t, and you agree that women should wait (as should men), then why do you continue to post and talk about how awfully some Christian women behave? I would really prefer that you try to be part of the solution, rather than trying to tear down women who are coming here for some help and encouragement and honest answers and tools to help them be the wives (or future wives) they were meant to be.

          • Sheila:

            I’ll just make this response and then I won’t post here again. I am not here to stir the pot. Maybe I am too “fire and brimstone” for your liking.

            I did not say that “Christian women all sleep around”. I have never said that, because I do not believe that and have never believed it. I have never said that on this post, on this website, or anywhere else. And neither jack nor van Rooinek said that either.

            I didn’t “talk about how awfully some Christian women behave”. I posted above about Jesus’ interaction with two prominent New Testament women who happened to be adulteresses and fornicators. Just about anyone who comes here knows those stories and what they mean. Since I believe the Bible to be the Word of God, I believe those stories, events and conversations happened exactly as the Bible describes them. Jesus knew them. He told them the truth. And He gave them love, and hope, and told them to repent. And they did.

            Here’s how it helps: if a woman comes here looking for answers, she can know that God will forgive ALL sins — even sexual sins. The Samaritan woman recognized Jesus as the Christ and believed on Him, and by implication she repented and was forgiven. He forgave Mary Magdalene. A young woman can come here and know, and have it reinforced, that even if she did not wait, it can be made right. She can repent and start afresh. Maybe she cannot make it right on her own, but God can.

            I am afraid I do not understand what is objectionable about relating a couple of New Testament stories of Jesus’ interaction with sinful women who repented of their sin after they were told the truth about it by the Man Who is Truth. We are ALL sinful (there is none righteous, no, not one) and (all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God).

            I am not saying all women are adulteresses or fornicators. I am not saying all Chrstian women, or even most Christian women, are adulteresses or fornicators.

          • Deti, I guess I wasn’t clear, and I’m sorry if I offended you, because I was referring to what a bunch of men (and I’m sorry, I’m not sure who they all were) have said not just on this post but on others, too, about how the majority of Christian women are promiscuous. And that seemed to be the debate that was carrying over through several threads–not just this one–on whether men can trust Christian women, on whether Christian women have integrity, and on whether Christian women are just liars, which is what has been said by several commenters.

            I’m really not interested in that. I’m interested in actually ministering to people, and predominantly women. I’m very sorry if some men have had some difficult experiences with some Christian women, but I don’t think it is helpful to the body of Christ to thus label large portions of the Christian church as loose or adulterous or promiscuous, when it largely isn’t true.

            I want to help people have great marriages, and when people come to a post like this one and several from last week and the week before and see all kinds of comments about how terrible Christian women are and how men can’t find a chaste Christian woman, I just don’t think that helps what I’m trying to do here, that’s all. And I do think several of the comments were slanderous (although I deleted the worst ones). So that’s what I’m getting at.

            I completely agree that Jesus offers forgiveness, and I’ve talked about that in so many posts (including one today). But I think to continually talk about how Christian women don’t live up to what they profess isn’t really helpful to those who are struggling and hurting and trying to find answers. It’s just pointing fingers and condemning, not offering real help. And that’s been my problem with many of these comments. They’re quick to assign blame and to say how they have been hurt, and they seem to offer very little compassion for the women who have come here really looking for solutions.

          • OK, one last thing and then I will really sign off.

            You’ve made it quite clear that neither you nor this blog are interested in the treatment of some Christian men at the hands of their Christian sisters. Since it’s your blog, it will be your rules. That topic will have to be discussed elsewhere, I suppose. But we dare not stick our heads in the sand and ignore it and pretend it does not occur when it does.

            Moreover, the complaint is not that many (not all, not most, but many) Christian women are loose or adulterous or promiscuous. Certainly, some are. That is beside the point. The complaint is that many Christian women are caught up in out-of-control hypergamy with wildly unrealistic expectations of men and marriage. And I’ll leave it at that.

            Believe me when I say that in your mission, you will have no stauncher allies than your brothers in Christ. I have a daughter of my own who learns at the feet of her mother and me, and she learns what the Bible says on these topics. She will choose to follow those teachings, or not, but she will know what God says about it.

            What more compassion can be offered than by pointing your readers to stories of New Testament women who were slaves to their sexual sin and then were freed by Christ Himself? Mary Magdalene was redeemed from harlotry into becoming one of Jesus’ closest friends. The Samaritan woman at the well was immediately converted and returned to her lawful husband.

            What more compassion can be offered than pointing your readers to what the Bible says about marriage, and husbandly leadership, and wifely submission and grace according to Ephesians 5? How much more compassionate can one be than to offer what God’s Word says?

            I’ll take my leave now, and thanks.

          • Deti, it’s not that I’m not interested in how Christian men may be treated by some Christian women. It is that when I write about it, I write to help people see how they can change to make their marriages better. I try to write to challenge women to be better. When someone is yelled at, it hardly helps them want to stay and change.

            And to point to just one comment, you wrote:

            Pastors routinely “sell” Christian women as “better than” nonbelievers. Pastors are always trying to marry off the Christian women, and lamenting how the women are single and can’t find “good men”. We are told that Christian women are not feminist, are not “worldly”, and that we should marry ONLY Christian women so as not to be unequally yoked. But the truth is, at least my experience, was that Christian women did not treat their Christian brothers any better. In fact, it was worse. At least nonbelievers were honest. Christian women were not as advertised — not at all.

            That is the kind of thing that has really bothered me, because it is painting Christian women with a broad brush. You kept saying you were not doing that, but then you made comments like this. And I guess I have to ask: how is that comment going to help the Christian women coming to this blog? So that is why I have gotten upset over the last few weeks and deleted comments.

            I am extremely passionate about marriage. I believe that God wants people to experience tremendous oneness and intimacy in marriage–and that marriage is a true gift, designed primarily for our holiness, but also for our happiness. I believe that the breakdown in marriage has caused tremendous evil and sadness in our society. And I believe that both men and women are responsible for that breakdown. So I will do what I can to help women change what they can change, and point them to the truth.

            I would just ask that those who come to this blog recognize that this is what I am trying to do–instead of pointing fingers or telling me that Christian women are horrible. If everyone is so concerned about Christian marriages, and if everyone wants marriages to succeed, then why the emphasis on “talking down” about Christian women? Why not instead write with compassion, and say, “I was really hurt by this, and I’m not sure if women realized what they were doing. God offers forgiveness, but I’m afraid that women may only realize too late the mistakes they’ve made.” That would have been helpful. What so many people wrote was certainly not.

            Of course, people don’t have to comment the way I want them to. Not at all. But if people are dedicated to helping marriages, then I would hope that they would celebrate some of what is being done on this blog, especially during the month of February with the 29 Days to Great Sex, instead of constantly bringing up the fact that some Christian women choose poorly. That doesn’t help the gospel, nor does it help hurting women, nor does it help those who are searching.

            I understand you bringing up the Samaritan woman and Mary Magdalene, but again, let me ask you about the context. The point of the post was to tell women to wait. We were talking to young women. And then some men start commenting about how so many Christian women don’t wait, and then you wrote about those two Bible stories. The Bible stories are not the problem; it’s the context. It’s leaning towards saying that Christian women are sleeping around, not leaning towards saying, “hey, girls! If you’re here and you’re only 16 (which is the primary age of people coming to that post, according to the links coming in), then wait! We’ve seen so many women mess up their lives by having sex too early, but I have confidence that in God’s power you can wait!” Instead, so many commenters seem intent to say “Christian women don’t wait”. What kind of a message is that to give to a young girl? That’s all.

          • Since you’ve asked me questions and invited further comment, let me say this in response to your comment at 4:15 pm Feb 2, 2012:

            I didn’t yell at anyone. I’m one of your Christian brothers with an opinion on the topic at hand. I came here to express those opinions. The expression of opinion sometimes involves firm language and passionate, florid furns of phrase. Apparently that’s not your cup of tea. That is fine. Your house, your rules. I’ve already said I’ll go back to lurking.

            You quoted the block text. I can only presume you overlooked the quoted language in which I qualified it with “at least in my experience”. So I did not paint with a broad brush. I expressly limited my statements to my experience. I have been extremely sensitive to your insistence that I qualify all my statements as not applying to you, or the women you know, or all Christian women, or your churches, or the churches you are aware of.

            I will stipulate without a second’s hesitation that not all Christian women are Like That. But we must not miss the point that there are many Christian women who are, indeed, Like That. How do I know that? Because I’ve discovered that my experience is most definitely not singular. There’s much, much anecdotal evidence that lines up with mine. The description in the block quote above does not appear to be coincidental or isolated. I have made this point several times on this post and other places here. I won’t be making it again.

            Perhaps you are right that there are less blunt ways to talk about the poor choices SOME Christian women make and have made. I tend to speak bluntly and to the point, using passionate, florid language. I find it conveys my points more effectively not to mince words and to speak rather directly and forcefully.

            I respectfully submit that it behooves women to hear what men have to say on these topics — especially unvarnished responses such as I’ve provided. They might not be sufficiently refined for your tastes or those of your readers, but they are brutally honest — and sometimes brutal honesty is what we need to hear. I know I’ve needed to hear someone whack me between the eyes with the verbal equivalent of a 2 by 4 before. It’s pretty obvious to me that my writing style is not suited to this venue.

            I am passionate about marriage too. I believe what the Word says about it in Eph. 5, that it is for holiness and happiness, and that there are certain instructions we need to follow to make it work. I’m with you on that.

            The context on the Samaritan woman and Mary Magdalene: I explained it above. I’ll copy it again here:

            “Here’s how it helps: if a woman comes here looking for answers, she can know that God will forgive ALL sins — even sexual sins. The Samaritan woman recognized Jesus as the Christ and believed on Him, and by implication she repented and was forgiven. He forgave Mary Magdalene. A young woman can come here and know, and have it reinforced, that even if she did not wait, it can be made right. She can repent and start afresh. Maybe she cannot make it right on her own, but God can.”

            To amplify it: They are cautionary tales. Here’s what your life could become if you don’t wait for marriage. You can’t fix it, but God can.

            I’m a little surprised I need to explain it. It should be self-evident. It seems to me that offering them as cautionary tales was one of the reasons why they were included in the Scriptural canon.

            Reference to the two stories in no way, shape, manner or form suggests that Christian women are sleeping around. I really have no idea at all how you reached that conclusion from a reference to these two stories. Neither of these women were Christ followers when they engaged in the sexual sin that Christ knew of, rebuked and corrected. When they became true Christ followers, they repented.

          • I would agree with you that they were included in Scripture as warnings. I’m just saying that in the context of the comments, it looks like you were continuing the thread that Christian women sleep around. That’s all. It was the context of the comments.

            I appreciate that you are committed to marriage, too. I’m just asking that you and other men who are commenting here recognize who the audience is that you’re commenting for, and ask yourself this, “If I am going to be helpful to those who are here, what should I say?” That should always be our primary concern. How can we best advance the gospel? When in Rome, as Paul said.

            And it seems, instead, that on other threads (not primarily this one, but other ones), men seemed intent on bashing Christian women. I do not think that advances the gospel. It is not a question of whether or not your anecdotes are true; it is the spirit in which they are being said, and the spirit in which they will be received. That’s all.

            I understand that some bloggers have an agenda, and they’ve been pointing here lately. I have one, too, and it’s simply this: make marriages the best they can be. I’d encourage you, and other guys, to have a look at what I’m actually writing today and yesterday and earlier this week to see what I’m trying to say. I am trying to help marriages; I still get the opinion from the links coming in here, and from the comments I’ve had to delete, that all too many men are just coming here from blogs intent on insulting women. That does not further the gospel, nor does it help marriages.

  9. It is not as much about virginity as it is about abusing ones options.

    Like I said, people make mistakes, and we are all sinners. But the key is to recognize when a mistake has been made and be diligent not to repeat it.

  10. Robert Griffith from sydney Australia says:

    Great article. I enjoyed the read very much. On topic, Unfortunately, I had dozens of sexual partners before marriage. I would have had far fewer sexual partners if I could do it all over again. I was having sex so frequently with different women that it distorted the way in which I viewed woman. Not a very good situation at all. I was however fortunate enough to marry a virgin. I met my wife in Lebanon and eventually married her. I converted to Islam (I know this is a Christian site, but some things are universal) as my wife is a devout Muslim. Of course being raised by a Irish Catholic father, and a Italian Catholic mother, there was much adjusting. After 10 years of marriage we are still happily married raising two little girls. I am trying to instill strong values in the both of them at a young age. I feel as though the seeds you plant in a young mind during their formative years are the most important of all. Great website, and may God bless you for the good works you do to bring people closer to God almighty.

  11. van Rooinek says:

    Not to revisit yesterday’s unpleasantness, but, to refocus on the original topic:

    “Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?”

    For a bit of perspective: Almost all human societies, throughout almost all history, in almost all parts of the world, have taken saving sex for marriage as a GIVEN. It was not some high and holy but unrealistic aspiration, nor was it a crowning jewel on the head of a few superspiritual heroes… No, it was considered NORMAL, a basic social obligation, to be violated only at the cost of great shame. Even in the English speaking West, from the dawn of our history right up through our own grandparents’ time, saving it til marriage was considered the norm. Just ask anybody who’s old enough to remember what America and Canada were like before the 1960s.

    So….“Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?” Yes, and, there’s something radically wrong with our society if we even have to ask the question! OF COURSE we should wait. For almost all of humanity, for almost all history, this was a “no brainer”.

    It’s true that the pages of history describe a FEW promiscuous societies (eg terminal Rome) and even religions (eg, the ancient Canaanite cults). But it’s also true that these do not persist down through history. A probable reason can be found, in the extinction of the Tasmanians and the decimation of the New Guineans and the Maori of New Zealand. These people were not particularly monogamous, and as long as they were isolated, this didn’t seem to hurt them. But on contact with the outside world, a few of them contracted sexually transmitted diseases, which spread like wildfire, killing many and sterilizing the survivors.

    In Tasmania, missionaries and the government made concerted efforts to protect the remaining fullblood natives, but after 1823 they produced NO MORE CHILDREN, having all been sterilized by STDs, mainly gonorrhea. Likewise the Maoris are reported to have bitterly lamented at the fact that the white settlers, sent to NZ by the Church of England, produced large families easily, while their tribe was dwindling as many of their own tribeswomen were sterile (having caught STDs from the less religious sort of whites.)

    Chillingly, in the present day West, despite antibiotics and condoms, we now have an epidemic of fertility destroying chlamydia infections. And a new gonorrhea strain has arisen in Japan, which is immune to all antibiotics. 25% of all couples in the West have fertility problems, and STD damage is one of the major reasons.

    So….“Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?” Um… do you want kids?

    • Very good point. The rampant rise in infertility is a huge tragedy–largely because it’s so avoidable. (That’s not to say people who wait can’t be infertile; it’s just that the primary cause is STDs). If people talked about this more, maybe more people would realize that saying “we should wait” isn’t crazy.

      • van Rooinek says:

        That’s not to say people who wait can’t be infertile; it’s just that the primary cause is STDs

        True, and I do know righteous “waiters” who had fertility problems through no fault of their own. But STDs, along with abortion scars, waiting till too late in life, and vegetarian/soybased/low-animal-fat diets, are major avoidable infertility causes.

        the Maoris are reported to have bitterly lamented at the fact that the white settlers, sent to NZ by the Church of England, produced large families easily, while their tribe was dwindling as many of their own tribeswomen were sterile

        Will a future history book, written in Arabic, read like this?

        “….the whites are reported to have bitterly lamented at the fact that the Islamic settlers, sent to the West by the Caliphate, produced large families easily, while their tribe was dwindling as many of their own tribeswomen were sterile….”

        It all depends on our choices.

  12. i’m 20 years old and am a virgin..im proud of it…i believe that its going to be worth the wait…i believe that God has a special man out there for me who will be glad to have me as his wife…waiting until marriage is hard but not impossible especially with the media hype….God promises heaven to the overcomers…its a battle but i believe that by his grace i will make it through :-)

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