It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Does your husband have a “man cave”? A place where he escapes to that is just for him, where he might get together with friends, but in general, no wife or kids are wanted?
Many of our guys do. Maybe that’s where they build something, or fix something, or play cards, or pursue some hobby. My husband has a “man room” in our basement where he paints little miniature soldiers, building these huge armies. And then other guys come over with their armies and they play out battles. Sounds geeky, but he really enjoys it (and from a historical perspective it is kind of cool). Two of my brothers-in-law are rebuilding old cars. While my husband is in his “man cave”, he also plays music that I just hate.
I have another friend who is leaves home every weekend in November every year. His family knows he just won’t be there, because hunting season is open. And he goes with friends to hunt. Now that his kids are getting older he’s starting to take his son, but for years it was just him, and he left his wife alone with the kids that whole month on the weekends. But he was there the rest of the year!
When we’re first married, it’s easy to resent the man cave, because why on earth would he want to get away from you? Doesn’t he love you? Doesn’t he want to be with you? And how could he take the garage/extra bedroom/shed and use it for himself, instead of letting the kids play there?
We women want to be building relationship all the time, though we may long for time to ourselves, especially when the kids are little. But men often want to hibernate by themselves, too, and even with other guys, far more than we want to go out with the girls. So this can seem quite threatening. Am I not enough?
I’d suggest that you start seeing it in a different way. There’s nothing wrong with a man cave, and in fact there can be quite a bit right about it. When a guy goes into an area that’s just his, he rejuvenates, so that he’s able to give more to the family. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the family; it’s just that he has other legitimate needs, too, that do need to be met. And men are very good at urging each other to be better men, just by being around each other. They may not talk about it as a topic of conversation, but when guys get together, they rub off on each other.
Hanging out with other men often inspires a guy to be responsible, to be a good provider, to be a good dad, because they’re exploring what masculinity is. It’s that whole “wild at heart” thing, where men urge to have some adventure in their lives, and often figure out their identity not just with other women, but also with other guys. We’re better at figuring out our identity ourselves, with our family. They don’t work that way.
Of course, you don’t want your husband in a man cave all the time, and if he’s retreating there and never spending any time with the family, that’s a problem. And if he’s retreating to his man cave to look at pictures of naked women, that’s a problem. So boundaries do need to be set, in the same way they need to be set for other things in our lives.
Yes, you’ll want to preserve family time. And yes, you’ll want some date time, just the two of you. But don’t deprive him of man cave time, because you may just find that the more he’s able to be in a man cave, the more comfortable he is with other roles. He doesn’t get antsy. He wants to provide. Guys often process things better alone, and when he’s alone, he’ll be able to figure things out better so that he can talk to you later. I wrote a while ago on how we should find things to do with our husbands, even if that means participating in some of our husbands’ hobbies, and I thoroughly agree with that. But if your husband has one area of his life where he’d rather just be a guy, and not have you around, that honestly is okay.
Talk to him about what you need from him with the kids, and what you’d like from him for your relationship. But let’s face it, girls: we may WANT him around all the time, but we don’t NEED him around all the time. And man time is a legitimate need for many men. So if he wants to retreat for an hour or two a night, is that really so different from you being on Facebook for an hour or two? Or you watching TV for an hour or two?
This Christmas, if you’re at a loss as to what to get your husband, maybe you should have a talk with him about whether or not he wants a physical man cave. And if your house or apartment has room for one, why not give him one?
Have you ever struggled with your husband taking time for himself? Let us know in the comments how you resolved it (or tell us your issue, and maybe we can help!).
This post is also linking up to Women Living Well Wednesday.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. And then please link back here, so other people can read Wifey Wednesday! Thanks!
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I struggled with this one early in our marriage, but mostly out of ignorance. I just naturally felt that since I was so crafty and creative, I should have the extra room(s) in any house.
It wasn’t until I saw how much my husband enjoyed my sister-in-law’s “room of her own” that I had the “Ah-HA!” that he needed a “room of HIS own.” Since my craft room was nothing more than storage for all my Martha Stewart wanna-be projects, it was easy for me to just box it all up and shove it in the garage.
In addition to being male, my husband is a true introvert. He’s got to have a safe place to which he can retreat — and close the door. When he emerges, rejuvenated, then he can be fully present for me and our entire family.
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That’s great that you figured that out, Cheri! I’ve often wanted a room of my own, but then when I got one, I just took my computer and knitting out of there and ended up doing it wherever the kids were. So I realized, like you, that all I want is a nice place to STORE stuff, not a place to hang out. It’s the organization I crave! But Keith really does need some time alone!
I’m completely in favor of the man cave. Especially since I have a “mom cave” – a writing niche in an extra bedroom where I spend hours on my laptop. It’s a nice realization that some time away from spouse and children can refresh you for those times together. A balance of those times is worth pursuing.
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Why Pose for Porn?
My favourite office was actually a walk in closet that I made into an office. It was absolutely tiny, but the great thing was that on my chair that was on wheels I could reach everything on every bookshelf and type, all at the same time. It was heavenly. Now my office is bigger and I don’t like it nearly as much, so I tend to write on the couch.
Since I live in a house with all males, including the dog, if anyone needs a cave it’s ME! LOL!
My husband is a pastor so he goes to his office and is able to have plenty of time with himself and God. I am very thankful for that time that he gets. I try not to bother him all day. I do send him “blessing texts” and a text at lunch to tell him that it’s ready.
My dream is to one day have a shabby chic room all to myself. A woman cave!
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Janet, your husband sounds like a very lucky guy! And I can totally relate to wanting a shabby chic room! I’m sure it will come one day…and then you’ll miss all that testosterone!
We’ve always lived in places too small for my hubby to have a man cave, and if he did, I’m not sure what he would do there… he doesn’t have many hobbies. I try to encourage him to get out to play rugby with his buddies, as I recognize that’s something he loves and gives him a chance to destress and have fun. I’ve also come to recognize that when he gets home from work, he likes twenty or thirty minutes to check his email and Facebook before supper, just to destress from the day. I can spend that time finishing up the cooking and setting the table, and then we can talk about our days together over supper. My dad had a big woodworking shop for his “man cave,” so if we ever lived somewhere (someday!!!) where my hubby wanted such a place, I’d be totally okay with it.
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An absolute necessity, that man cave. I realised how necessary it is for hubby to have time alone with his friends to unwind and so I am always open to letting him off once in a while. He always comes back refreshed and with stories that make me laugh of stuff he does with the boys. Also gives me time to do stuff I like around the house.
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I’m going to post anonymously on this one… My husband doesn’t have a room of his own as our house is too small. However, after quitting drinking for a long time, he has taken two nights away from our family with the express purpose of getting drunk. He made some bad choices this year that have negatively effected our family and he’s struggling to deal with them in his own way. He doesn’t have a strong faith, so he’s relying on himself. So, his conclusion is that he needs to take one day every two months and hang out with someone and get drunk – the main purpose being to get drunk. I know that this is a very unhealthy way of dealing with one’s problems. In fact, it doesn’t actually DEAL with them. I would 100% support a day with buddies, or a day to pursue a hobby without mine or the children’s intrusion; however, this is unhealthy. Arguing, with him does absolutely no good. These days are no fun to live through. Instead of being rejuvenating, they make him feel bad physically for days and cause stress for me. I have no idea how to deal with this manifestation of the ‘man time.’
Now THAT’s a tough one, and a really common one. I’m not sure I have really good advice for this one (maybe I’ll ask it as a separate blog post later and see what other people have to say), but I’d agree that this isn’t healthy behaviour. The thing is, though, that nagging him won’t work, which I think you’ve already realized. And he probably figures that if he takes this time, and it’s not all the time, it’s not interfering with family.
I guess what I’d say is pretty much the same thing I say for everything else: as much as you can, make the home a happy, peaceful place where he’ll want to be. Have fun together as a family. Nurture relationships with other couples where the guys are responsible, and encourage great friendships for both of you. Have other couples over for dinner. Let him see a different set of friends, and maybe the desire to do this will diminish, because he’ll realize “that’s not what a real man does”. I’m sorry there’s not an easy answer, though.
I absolutely loved this post!
I think it brings some balance to the things I’m constantly hearing from women about wanting time to themselves, or a girl’s night, or time free from the family. I don’t think these things are wrong, but sometimes I wonder if these women realise that their husbands also need time to themselves and time with their other male friends. Instead, the women seem to resent any suggestion that their husband may need some time alone from the family, even though “he works all day”. Working is not the same as free time!
My husband and I live in a tiny little unit, but we have our seperate hobbies and “spaces”: he plays online computer games with other people at the computer desk which is in one corner of the loungeroom, and I use my laptop and crochet and knit at the dining table which is in another part of the loungeroom. My husband also plays indoor soccer, which I sometimes watch, but other times I stay home and have some quiet time. As neither of us is working at the moment, some time to ourselves is a must!
Thanks, Kathy! I do think everyone needs time alone, to differing degrees. When we lived in a small apartment, he still had a little area where he kept all his hobby stuff, and he’d do it on the dining room table. Now he has a room. But I don’t think he needs physical space as much as just our blessing to be by himself every now and then!
Yes, I think you’re right. My husband is free to take part in his hobbies several nights of the week and he doesn’t get nagged or told off about it, which is really what makes it so good (I’m his wife, not his mother!). He’s got the chance to do something he enjoys without me making him feel bad about it because he’s not doing something with me. In return, he supports my hobbies
I also meant to tell you in my previous comment that one of my younger brothers also creates armies and paints miniature soldiers, though I think it’s a bit different to what your husband does. The one’s my brother makes are for Warhammer – he’s a geek! He’s also trying to convince my husband to take it up, but I don’t think it will happen. I think it’s SO cute to see him painting the tiny little models and setting them all up and posing them – it allows him to be creative in a boyish way.
I have a different take on this issue of the “Man Cave.” I don’t know if its because I am a man, husband and father or if there is some other reason. Either way, I noticed that I am the only man who has commented on this post. While I don’t strongly disagree with anything written in the post there are a couple of points that I think may be helpful. I have what I guess would be considered a “Man Cave.” It’s my library where I have my very large book collection, my stereo, my antique Victrola and a bunch of other things which I have some sentimental attachement to. I welcome my wife and children there and really wish they would spend more time in that room with me. It’s big enough for everyone and when we are there together have a great time.
I think that where problems come in is that in our house it is the library. It is not the “Man Cave.” Shouldn’t your whole house be a “Man Cave.” Why are “Manly” things relegated to the basement or garage. Shouldn’t a man feel comfortable everywhere in his house. That’s not to say that there should be a kegerator in the dining room but shouldn’t there be some amount of masculinity reflected throughout the house. I think to a certain degree men have retreated to the “Man Cave” because they are not really comfortable in their own homes.
It is a wonderful thing to see a house made into a home by a “woman’s touch” but it is equally as disturbing to see that home devoid of any masculinity. I think that is a bad message to husbands, and problably a worse message to children. Both boys and girls can percieve that what dad needs doesn’t can be packaged up and put into an out of the way place where we can shrug it off to “He just needs his place to do his own thing.” That type of patronizing comment moves down through generations tearing down manhood in the eyes of boys who will be men and the girls who are searching for men.
We all owe it to our spouse to make every room in our homes open and welcoming and comfortable to him or her
Michael, thanks for commenting! I totally understand what you’re saying, and that’s a very good point. I think too often houses are made more with the family in mind.
I think if you can create space that everyone enjoys, it is far better.
But I do think that in many families the husband does need some time to himself–whether that’s in his own “man cave” or it’s out with the guys occasionally. And we women tend to resent that. Not all men need this, but many do, and I don’t think that we should deny it or see it as a rejection.
I don’t have a “woman cave” either, by the way, though sometimes I wish I did!