It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Today I want to tackle a difficult subject: how can sex be good if you’ve been sexually abused in the past? Your whole outlook on sex has often been poisoned, so that it’s something icky, destructive, manipulative, and even evil. And now you’re married to a man you love, and your husband wants to make love, and you find yourself resenting him, resenting God for even creating sex, and truly struggling.
What do you do?
Last week, in one of the marriage threads, a woman named Carol left a beautiful comment that I want to share with you, and then give my thoughts for why there is hope. Here’s what Carol said:
I have had many problems in this area for our WHOLE marriage of 20 years. I wanted to offer some advice to those of you who suffer from a sexual abuse background. When I met my husband he told me that he was not interested in sex and I thought to myself YAY!!! Finally I found a guy who doesn’t want to jump in the sack with me every moment of every day…I was thrilled, beings I had been abused and had a toddler, my mind just was not into that at all!!! We were 20 and 21 when we met.
Well, turns out that he was interested in sex he just didn’t know it because he hadn’t had it the way I had. Turned into a whole lot of problems and arguments and crying. He didn’t really know how to help me with the abuse factor and in turn made it worse so it just took a little longer to deal with. A few years ago he gave me the greatest gift a man could ever give his wife, he gave me full control of the sex life. He still initiated but if I didn’t want to, there was no pouting, no asking why not? or making me feel guilty and unsafe.
Last year on Mother’s Day I broke down and even though he had done this great thing for me the guilt was still there, every time he wanted to and I didn’t I felt guilty (not his fault at all). That guilt was coming from inside me. I cried and cried and screamed at God for letting this happen to me and why did he do this to me, I got angry. My husband said he had never seen me cry like that before and I really don’t remember ever crying loud and angry like that before either. Something happened in that moment…I let that little girl that I had been shoving away for so long and telling her to shut up, I let her let it out and then in my minds eye I hugged her and told her it was ok and that I can handle it now from here on out and whenever she needs me to let me know and I will take care of her.
See, I had been pushing her away because she was ruining my marriage I thought all these years if I could just ignore her she would go away…Nope that didn’t happen, I needed to pay attention to her and give her comfort and let her know that it is all ok now and I can do this without her screaming at me that it is unsafe. She was stuck in that abuse and I was moving on, it was like having a split in the core of my being and now we are one. I hope this helps another abuse survivor to not have to go through 20 years of torment and guilt or if you are going through it for a long time already to understand why and maybe this will help. God Bless!!!
Isn’t that beautiful? She truly was able to put it in the past, with God’s help. Let’s look at how you can do the same thing.
1. Realize that the Abuse was the Problem
This may sound strange, but try to get angry at the abuse, and not at sex. What often happens is that people transfer their anger onto God for making sex this way, because it seems impossible to believe that sex could be anything other than painful or awkward. And so we get mad at God. They figure the rest of the world is lying to them or mocking them when they say that sex is great, because they don’t see how that can be the case.
You may not be able to see a way out now, but pray and release it to God, and say something like, “I know you created sex to be beautiful. I know that you created sex for my enjoyment. I know that you created sex to help me show love to my husband (and for him to show love to me.” Say the things you know are true, even if you don’t feel them. Because they are true! It is not that sex was made wrong; it is that someone poisoned it for you in the past.
2. Realize that God is Angry at the Abuse
Just like Carol had to, you need to grieve for that little girl and what she lost. God was angry when the little girl inside you was hurt. He was livid. Matthew 18:6 says:
But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
God is angry at the abuse. He will fight for you. You may not see it, but there is justice. But God will take care of it. You don’t need to. You don’t need to stay angry because God is going to fight on your behalf. You can let it go. And if you let go of your anger, then you’ll find it much easier to move forward.
You may need to go through this process with a mentor or a counselor, to go through specific healing prayer for those memories. I know it takes courage to ask to see someone, but do it. Your marriage is worth it. You are worth it. You don’t want to be stuck here forever.
3. Reframe How You See Sex
Now let’s get to the sex part.
Because sex has been so warped in your mind, it’s going to take a while to make it seem beautiful again. So take things extremely slowly with your husband. You need to believe that your body has a healthy sex drive, that it can respond to touch, that you can relax and trust, and none of that can be rushed.
Your husband may have a hard time taking it slowly, but let him know why, and what it is you’re aiming for. Let him know that you want a great sex life, but you have to find a way to reawaken your body first.
And then here’s what you do:
Get used to being naked
Learn to enjoy your body. Lie naked and just your husband touch you. Sometimes that’s easier in a bathtub, but ask him what he likes about your body, what parts he enjoys, and really listen. Listen to what your husband thinks about your body. That is truth.
Get used to his body
Then take some time and turn the tables and just touch him. Explore him, with the lights on. Have him talk while you do this so that you can hear his voice and keep remembering “this is my husband’s body”.
Let him arouse you
Now your body may feel as if it can’t get turned on, but it can. You just need to be very relaxed and have some time. So one night, with the heat turned up in the bedroom so you’re not shivering, let him just touch you slowly. Even set the timer for 15 minutes, and don’t let him stop during that time. Don’t do this with the goal to have sex, because that can add stress for you. Just do it with the goal to become aroused, so that you can see that your body can respond.
And if there are certain parts of your body that have really negative connontations to you, because of what was done to you, have your husband concentrate on other parts first, only working up to those. Even start with something innocuous, like sucking on fingers and massaging the backs of your knees.
Talk
Finally, when you do make love, keep talking. Keep hearing his voice. Ask him to say “I love you” a lot, so that you remember what this is about. And whenever you make love, don’t rush it, at least for the first few months when you’re trying to retrain your body. You need confidence that your body can respond, and so you don’t want to slip back into bad patterns.
Listen, ladies. If you’ve been abused, something was stolen from you as a child. But you’re an adult now, and it’s up to you whether or not you want to let that abuser keep stealing from you, or whether you’re going to pursue wholeness again. Please pursue wholeness. I know it may seem impossible to believe, but you can achieve it. God can fight for you. He can bring justice. You can let go. And you can have that full life that should have been yours to begin with. You can win the victory here, with God. But it’s a decision you have to make.
Don’t believe the lie that sex was created for everyone but you. It wasn’t. You were created to enjoy sex, and no matter what happened to you, you can enjoy sex. I will pray that everyone reading this will one day experience that.
This post is also linking up to Women Living Well Wednesdays and the Time Warp Wife!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
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Wonderful post, Sheila. This is such needed information for women who have been sexually mistreated. Their abuse makes me want to pummel the abuser and Satan for distorting what God intended as a beautiful expression of intimacy. But I do know women who have overcome the past and have fabulous sex lives in their marriages. It can be done.
Isaiah 43:1-2 is one of my favorite passages. Part of it says, “When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.” We would prefer not to pass through the rivers at all, but sometimes terrible things happen and God can ensure that we are not drowned by our experiences but can push through to His healing. Bless you.
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Should You Sext Your Spouse?
Thanks, J!
In one way, this post is not meant for me since I have not experienced abuse. However, I closely identify with much of what was stated. For example, I am angry at God for creating sex, which seems so messy and awkward and even degrading. I do think it is a highly touted myth that sex is supposedly so beautiful since in reality, most women would rather pass on it. I am not in any way bashing men because my husband is the kindest, gentlest person you could imagine. The suggestions given in part three gave my anxiety symptoms just from reading them. My heart goes out to those who have experienced very negative encounters and abuse because it is incredibly painful to contemplate taking these suggestions when sex seems like a punishment, not like love. at all. I am grateful for my children but I will not be having more babies so now there is even less motivation to submit to an act that makes me feel more alienated from my husband, not closer.
Juniper, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I really do. I wasn’t abused, either, but I saw sex the same way that you did. It just seemed like it was entirely created for him, and not for me, and that the whole thing was one big lie that other women were going along with because they were supposed to.
All I can say is that it really, really can be a very beautiful (and awfully fun) thing. And if it hasn’t been that for you, it still can be. It may not seem like it’s possible, but that is how God made it. It’s just been very perverted by so much of society, and made shameful by others, and so it’s a big mess for so many.
I’m sure your husband would love to really enjoy a sexual life with you that’s truly freeing for both of you, and I do think that’s possible. It just may take a huge leap of faith on your part. And isn’t that what faith is? It’s believing that something is possible even if you can’t see how right now. So you may not be able to see it, but just believe it. And if you can walk in that belief, and keep telling yourself that, and praying it through, God can turn it into something very different for you!
I just finished reading “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman; it helped me A LOT. I was never abused but would sometimes get so bogged down with what society and the enemy has made of sex (cop shows, child abuse, etc) that I would feel sex had become something dirty and tainted with sin. I had to re-learn that God had made sex and made it for OUR PLEASURE (thank you Jesus!)
So true, Erica! I stopped watching TV about 12 years ago because it was just so negative. I used to be addicted to ER, but it really killed my libido because everthing was so ugly. When I turned off the television, things became much lighter, you know?
Sheila – Thanks so much for a great article on a topic we need to discuss more. Lori and I went through this, and it’s painful for both the wife and the husband. My advice is to get help as soon as possible. Find someone who has experience dealing with this, and deal with it. The longer it is left alone, the worse it gets, and more difficult it is to get healing.
The good news is yes, abuse survivors (women and men) can have great sex lives. God delights in healing us and making things we hated things that bring us great joy!
Paul Byerly recently posted..Inconvenience
Thanks, Paul! I totally agree: get help! You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and we’re not meant to go through this alone. And if you can get help early in your marriage, then you’ll make that marriage so much stronger–and more fun!
I fully agree with what you wrote Sheila. When I first got married, I found myself “feeling unloved” and “used” because all my husband wanted was to have sex. I saw sex as my husband’s way to GET pleasure not to GIVE pleasure. I never saw it as his way of loving me and taking care of me (which is exactly how he viewed it). That put a bit of a strain on our relationship for a while until I realized that I felt “used” not because of how my husband treated me but because of how I had been treated way before. I had to do some serious re-evaluating and thinking adjustment. But hey – on the other side of it all – one can have victory if they know what the real problem is. Thanks for addressing this – I am sure there’re many women who may struggle with it and don’t even know what’s wrong or how to fix it.
Thanks, Helen! I think the more women hear the message from others who have been through it (like you), the better!
Thank you for this post, as well as all of your postings. While I’m only 23, and not married just yet- this post is very hopeful. I’m a victim myself, and I’m healing everyday. But I must say, that this post truly made me feel less hopeless for future things that we should be able to look forward to, and more excite to work through what the Lord is calling me to work through. Thank you for being a part of this very process, and sharing your wisdom.
You’re so welcome, Megan!
This post was a good one on a very difficult subject the only thing I would add well ‘could’ add more but the one thing that jumped off the page for me was the comment ‘have your husband tell you he loves you’ during the process of getting close. I would not agree in some cases those words were paired with the ‘touch’ and it is a and can be a trigger. Triggers are not safe and then the whole shutting down will take place. I would add he should tell her at different times in the day as affirmations of his love not ‘just or during’ an intimate moment. Healing is a very delicate walk of two learning to heal together. With God’s help and a new reframing of the concept it can happen but it may also take a professional to ‘get in touch’ with that little girl or boy inside who was wounded.
Thanks, Sharon. I agree that often a professional really is needed, and I just want to reiterate that if anyone is really hurting in this area, don’t wait to get help. Get it now, and your marriage will be much stronger for it!
Sheila –
Thanks for a sensitive, honest, practical post on this difficult topic!
Some women who experienced sexual abuse as children end up with unhealthy relationships to food: compulsive overeating, anorexia, bulimia, etc. An eating disorder often becomes a point of contention in the marriage, but it’s not the core issue. The shame and guilt heaped on a woman for being unable to “just be more disciplined” or “stop trying to look like a supermodel” makes things worse.
When I was 17, I was hospitalized for 6 weeks in an eating disorder unit. I was able to describe to my therapist some of my memories of inappropriate sexual advances made toward me when I was a preschooler, but I did not know who the perpetrator was. And I never figured out what to do with the memories. So I spent a quarter of a century feeling defective, damaged.
One of my New Year’s resolutions for 2011 was to find a support group. I initially sought one to help me deal with issues in my marriage, but all I could find was an eating disorder group. It seems so obvious now, but at the time I really was clueless that most of “our” marriage issues were actually lingering issues from my eating disorder.
“Listen, ladies. If you’ve been abused, something was stolen from you as a child. But you’re an adult now, and it’s up to you whether or not you want to let that abuser keep stealing from you, or whether you’re going to pursue wholeness again. Please pursue wholeness. I know it may seem impossible to believe, but you can achieve it. God can fight for you. ”
You bring up such a core truth, here. I remind myself daily — often dozens of times a day! — “Yes, you were hurt deeply as a little girl. She needed to be protected, and she wasn’t. But you are no longer that little girl. You don’t need to keep protecting yourself now.”
(Oops! Hit “post” a bit too soon.)
One of the hardest lessons for me to learn has been that just because I am feeling pain does not mean that anyone is actually hurting me at the moment. For decades, I’ve reacted defensively and self-protectively to every little thing — “using cannon balls to swat flies” as my dad would say! — letting out my first knee-jerk reaction from a place of damage and fear.
As I’m learning to step back, pray for guidance, take time to reflect, and respond with maturity, I’m experiencing hope, peace, and joy that I used to think were available only to “other people”…not me.
Thanks, Cheri! I’m glad it didn’t come across as too harsh. I was afraid it might. So thank you for that encouragement!
Sheila, I just want to thank you for what you said in this. This is the first time I’ve stumbled across your site, and I definitely wasn’t expecting to find something so immediately applicable. I’m an abuse survivor, but not of childhood abuse. My roommate of 2 years was the abuser, and I don’t quite remember the beginning to even know how it started. It’s only been 2 months since I last had contact with her, a year since the last abusive incident, and I am at a point where I feel hopeless for any future relationship because of the fear of intimacy I developed. I’m a 21-year old who dreams of marriage and children yet is petrified at the mere thought of sex and some of the suggestions you have in your post. I suffer from flashbacks and have many “trigger points” that make even everyday interaction with friends difficult. Only in the last 2 months I’ve started coming out of “survival mode” in order to work through things, and that only increased the sense of hopelessness.
But then I started reading the comments by other people and reread other parts of your post. What really struck me was the little girl image. A friend of mine over the summer was trying to help me, and that’s when I first saw that I had a “little girl Katy” inside me, a representation of how innocent I was before the abuse. In survival mode, she gets pushed back and ignored because getting through the day is more important. But staying in that, to use our words, lets my abuser continue to steal from me, to hurt me. I had never thought of it that way, or if I did I was too afraid to take that step out of the dark. It took a long time for me to admit what was going on and get their support to get out of it. It took longer to ask for help with the emotional wounds. Often I feel at a loss, that I’m too broken to fix because everything is so recent.
But when I’m at my worst, God always leads me to someone who can help, or to a place like this. I want to be able to have a healthy sex life with my future husband, wherever he may be. I don’t want to be stuck in this pit. And I want to thank everyone here who has already commented because, though I didn’t expect to find anything while randomly browsing a blog, you all have given me such hope and encouragement to keep going. I am so often held back by fear, but God is challenging me to work through the emotional damage with Him, and I’m sad to admit that I was resisting because I was afraid of the pain healing often brings.
I guess this was a very long-winded way of saying “thank you” to you all, and I apologize if I rambled a bit there. I am only recently learning that the experience and emotional damage of abuse is often similar despite the uniqueness of each situation, and I can finally recognize that just because my story is not that common doesn’t mean I can’t learn something from others. So thank you all for posting. You all have been an encouragement to me as I start down this road, and I just wanted to let you know that.
So true, Katy! Every experience is unique, but God is there in all, and I’m glad that you found something helpful here! I hope I keep writing stuff that helps you.
Im just now finding this post through a link on your29 days and it’s amazing for me. I was abused by my father’s father as a small child then raped again as a teenager by a friend then I victimized myself through many “punishments”. I chose to hurt my body and force myself to have sex bc I felt its what I deserved for not protecting myself. I’ve been married for 2.5 years and I now have a 13 month old daughter. My husband and I constantly have arguments about sex and I make “promises to have sex once a week” with him so he will leave me be. Until I read this post and the 29 days I never realized I could enjoy sex. I want to for him bc he loves me and I know it hurts him that I don’t enjoy it or want it. I want to for me bc it’s a gift from God. Thank you for giving me hope and affirmation that sex is not dirty or wrong and that I should not be ashamed. This is a long, hard journey for me as I am coming up on the 13 year anniversary of my initial abuse BUT I WILL GET BETTER! I will do it for myself, for my husband and for my daughter. I want to be able to teach her the beauty of sex within the correct context when she is older. My mother was also abused so I’ve never heard the beauty of sex within marriage. I am excited and terrified at the same time for this journey but I will come out the other side a sexually healthy and God glorifying wife! To the ladies with negative responses and reactions this was my initial thought too but what I’ve learned is what’s easiest is normally sin. So this will be hard but what else about our “narrow way” to following Christ has been easy? Our preacher says if you’re life isn’t painful then you’re probably not following Christ! Think about it!? He suffered and we have been promised that we will endure just as he has. Why would suffering be good enough for our Master but not for ourselves!? God heals and He uses painful experiences to glorify himself and to draw us near. I know this is a long response but it’s so important that every aspect of our lives be worship and worship is to be joyful!!
Thank you so much!!