32 responses

  1. Sarah S.
    November 30, 2011

    Again, I LOVE that you are willing to tackle such sensitive topics — in such a godly way! Thank you for your ministry, Sheila! I think The Generous Husband has a great point, but at the same time, it may be a case of “try it, you MAY like it!” :-) You have some great suggestions here.
    Sarah S. recently posted…Moving OnMy Profile

  2. Sheila
    November 30, 2011

    Thanks, Sarah! My husband always says that sex is a lot like pizza. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good! I think that’s the way a lot of husbands feel :). But you’re right: try it, you just might like it is a better way to live!

  3. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)
    November 30, 2011

    I like what your husband said, Sheila. A girlfriend and I used to joke about “bad sex,” wondering exactly what bad sex was because, hey, it was still sex! (Admittedly, that was pre-new-mommy-coma days.)

    My quick take is that there is a big difference between a dash of variety and bizarre bedroom behavior. The former introduces different positioning, activities, and fun games, etc. into your intimate life. The latter can make you feel like a human sex toy. Sex in marriage is supposed to increase intimacy. Sometimes, however, we gals aren’t willing to be vulnerable in trying something new. Your approach is a great way to look at it!
    J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…If Only I Could OMy Profile

    • Sheila
      November 30, 2011

      Thanks, J! Yes, bizarre sexual behaviour is just wrong–and has us ignore the “holier” side of sex. But I think many women assume too many things are bizarre sexual behaviour–when they’re not! Appreciate your willingness to speak up on the subject, too!

    • nylse
      November 30, 2011

      yeah – i used to wonder what bad sex was also? isn’t all sex good? at least that’s what i think even if you don’t have a happy ending!!!
      nylse recently posted…Experience and ExpertiseMy Profile

  4. Sibongile Ntombela
    November 30, 2011

    Good evening (in South Africa) Sheila. Thank you so much for your blogs I enjoy them and learn a lot from them. I just thought I should share with you my thoughts on the issue of divorce, especially when it comes to Christian brothers & sisters. My view is that we should be very carefull & slow to mention divorce as part of the solution for our “difficult” marriages for the simple reason that God hates divorce, also I believe that marriage is at the centre of God’s heart since it was the first relationship He created after creating the Heavens & Earth, and that marriage between Adam & Eve was put under the test by the devil for the couple to defy God, and since then I believe marriages have been under immense attack, the devil is on a big mission to prove to the world that marriages dont work, however I know that prayer changes everything. To stress the point I would like to further refer you to this teaching that I read & agree with all that it teaches.

    Adultery Does Not Give Permission to Divorce: See more info here: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Family/Marriage/divorce_is_a_sin.htm.

  5. Gina Parris
    November 30, 2011

    Hahahaa I love the Salad Bar illustration. You made these points so beautifully. Every time you say that it may take a woman years to have an orgasm, I get sad though. I’m glad for the community here that makes it safe for the gals to ask honest questions and get real answers. And – long live the God-given orgasm.

    • Sheila
      November 30, 2011

      Gina, me too! But from the surveys I’ve found, it does take women on average that long. I’m not sure why, and I hope my book (which goes into how to reach orgasm) helps, but the good thing is that we have decades to get it right!

  6. Nicole
    November 30, 2011

    My husband told me not too long ago in a very blunt discussion we had that he was bored. It was very hurtful to me, as I am always paranoid that if I don’t please him he’s just going to run off with some girl at church who WILL please him. *sigh* So thanks for your posts Sheila. I just pray that God will continue to work on me to be a better wife! (and he is not being unreasonable – nothing bad, just wants more spice and variety) Thanks again.

    • Sheila
      November 30, 2011

      Nicole, it’s great that you want to make your marriage wonderful! But I’m sorry that you fear he’s going to run off! That can’t be a nice feeling. If you don’t mind a suggestion, I’d just say to make sure your friendship is rock solid. Sex is wonderful, and makes men feel loved, but the thing that really keeps you together is being able to laugh together and just enjoy being together. So keep having fun–in bed and out–and hopefully you’ll feel intimate enough that you won’t be so scared anymore.

      • Nicole
        November 30, 2011

        Thanks Sheila :)

  7. Christine
    November 30, 2011

    Great post! The main thing in all of this is communication. We’ve tried some really fun things, and some things that didn’t work so well- things we even ended up laughing about. If you’re open and honest, and keep expectations reasonable, there’s not much between the two of you that won’t be at least interesting to experiment with. My hubby is all for variety! :)
    Christine recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday- HopeMy Profile

    • Sheila
      November 30, 2011

      Yes, Christine, I’ve been there, too, with the things that didn’t work out so well :). But it does bring a lot of laughter, and laughter is good for a marriage!

  8. Messy Marriage
    November 30, 2011

    You share so many great insights here, Sheila. Thanks for challenging us in this very important area of our marriages. Also wanted to let you know that I found you through Pam Farrel’s Tweets. Just thought you’d like to know that your friends in high places like you a lot! :)

    • Sheila
      November 30, 2011

      Awesome! Had a great time getting together with Pam and Bill about a week ago when they were up in Toronto. Wonderful people!

  9. Jennifer
    December 1, 2011

    I laughed when I read the intro to your post today, because today WAS indeed my first day to read your blog.
    ;-)
    Thank you for your candid comments on a touchy subject. I think most of us wonder about things, but are certainly afraid to ask. I appreciate hearing the answers to some of my questions in a non-threatening manner.
    Blessings to you!

    • Sheila
      December 1, 2011

      Welcome, Jennifer! It certainly was an interesting day to show up for the first time, wasn’t it?

  10. Angela
    December 1, 2011

    This one really frustrated me. I ask my husband if there’s anything he’d like to try, and he says, “I don’t know, I guess I’ll have to think about it”, and then he never gets back to me. As you can imagine, that doesn’t do wonders for my self esteem. Apparently he doesn’t think of having sex with me. And our regular sex life isn’t so fantastic that he’s totally satisfied.

    • Sheila
      December 1, 2011

      That’s tough! I guess what I’d say is the two-pronged approach: a great sex life tends to grow out of a good friendship. So really work on laughing with your husband everyday. If you can keep that connection solid, it makes it easier to talk about sex! And then as for sex itself, I’d just take the initiative. If he doesn’t want to try anything new, you always can! But for sex to work well, that connection has to be there between the two of you. So keep working on communication and friendship, and keep trying to connect sexually. I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you right now!

  11. Erin K.
    December 1, 2011

    What a great post! I found you through Org Junkie and I’m so glad I did – I can’t wait to read your book when it comes out. I am co-leading a discipleship group of a bunch of college girls and the topic is sexual purity (and sexual issues in general.) As leaders we let them know that any topic is up for discussion and we will be as open and honest with them as we can without crossing any boundaries.

    Two of the girls are now engaged and will be married in June. In today’s group we spent a lot of time talking about honeymoon expectations; what the world conditions us to expect of ourselves and our husbands; what we come to expect based on how the church handles sex; how we have to be open with our husbands about sexual details, etc. I mentioned your book and how excited I am to read it since it promises to be a great resource in an area that is sorely lacking in godly wisdom. The two engaged gals wondered if this would be appropriate for them to read before they get married – I just took a peek at the Amazon page and see that you do say it is appropriate for the newly engaged and new brides, so I will for sure pass this link on!! Who knows, maybe the other group leader and I should purchase one for each of them as a gift. :)

    Thank you for being willing to discuss sex in a godly way!

    • Sheila
      December 1, 2011

      Oh, Erin, that’s so exciting! Listen, it is PERFECT for engaged girls (though it’s good for married ones, too). There’s a whole chapter on the wedding night (which you can just flip through if you’re already married), but I definitely tell girls to get rid of the expectations that this has to be a PHYSICALLY stupendous night, and just focusing on having fun together! I tell them everything they should expect, and how everything works, but my main message is that you’ve got a lot of time to get this right. So don’t pressure yourself about the one night. Just have fun and enjoy being together, and it’ll be awesome!

  12. Paul H Byerly
    December 1, 2011

    Sheila,

    Great post. I addressed this issue to husbands recently – How much variety does it take to have enjoyable sex? http://bit.ly/vkXrjZ

    The wife who takes the initiative on a bit of variety is wise, and she more than likely avoids hubby ever getting too frustrated.
    Paul H Byerly recently posted…Having a better marriage – the prayer factorMy Profile

  13. Lemonhead
    December 2, 2011

    It frustrates me that it’s always assumed that the husband wants more variety and will be frustrated if he doesn’t get it. I’m the wife and I want more variety in our sex life, but every single thing I ever read is doesn’t apply to my situation at all! Soooo frustrated!!

    • Sheila
      December 2, 2011

      I can understand where you’re coming from. I’ve written before about wives who have the higher sex drive than their husband–you can see the post here: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/posts-3/. I certainly will address this from the other angle soon; it’s hard to hit everybody in every post. But I know where you’re coming from, and you’re not alone.

  14. Jane
    December 6, 2011

    What I have a problem with:

    “At the same time, sex isn’t supposed to be something which makes you feel uncomfortable or where you feel coerced. If you feel that your husband is asking something unreasonable, you don’t have to say yes! But if you do say no, then make sure that you make the things that you do feel comfortable with really great for him.”

    So, as women, we need to make up for the fact that we are uncomfortable with something? Why is he suddenly more important than me in this? The way you say this makes it as though the woman saying “no” to something is mean.

    • Sheila
      December 6, 2011

      I would answer it this way, Jane. We should be concerned if our spouse is not enjoying his sex life. We should WANT him to have a good time. If he is unhappy, that doesn’t mean that you have to do everything he wants to do. But you can go that extra mile to make things fun for him in ways that are okay with you. Why wouldn’t you? Yes, I believe that we have an obligation TO EACH OTHER to make our sex life wonderful. He has an obligation to you; you have an obligation to him. To say that he should just “suck it up” isn’t really a recipe for a good marriage! That’s where I’m coming from. So it’s not that he is more important; it’s that as a wife, his satisfaction should be extremely important to us–just as hopefully ours is to him.

  15. Erin
    December 6, 2011

    My husband wants sex more often, but we cannot get pregnant again. We are 19 years old and already have 2 kids and we are struggling financially already. We do not want to use immoral contraceptives, and we’re practicing the cycle-method and he pulls out, but it hasn’t worked. I know it’s God’s plan whether I should have another child, but is there anything really wrong with using condoms? I have friends in the church who are up to their necks in debt from college and having kids, and we cannot handle another child. I’ve been praying but I’m really worried about being able to raise my children in the stable environment which I wouldn’t be able to with me out of work.

    • Sheila
      December 6, 2011

      Erin, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with condoms. Not at all. But did you see the post on birth control that I wrote? It goes over all the different methods that are available, and the pros and cons. You can also visit Christian Family Planning, which can teach you how to track your cycle really accurately. If you do it right, it does work! They’re right here: http://christianfamilyplanning.net. Condoms during your fertile days are really effective!

  16. Ann
    December 8, 2011

    Great post !!!!
    My husband wants no variety ! We’ve been married for 40 + years and the last 30 have been sexless and no intimacy at all. The first 10 years or so we maybe had sex a dozen times. He said I was boring, and sex with me wasn’t worth his time. So he just shut it off and moved down stairs so he doesn’t have to be talk and be near me. I’ve been so lonely, unwanted and well I get so upset. I just want some body to hold me so I can just cry. In my 60s now and I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never have any one to run to. We have a dcent pension and medical benefits. I should have left years ago but its way to late. Theres alot more to the story but I just can’t write any more. Thanks for letting me rant alittle.

    • Sheila
      December 9, 2011

      Oh, Ann, I’m so sorry! That must be so difficult for you. It sounds like the problem is with your husband, and not with you. It is not normal for a man to reject sex like that, so he is the one with the issue. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope that you can surround yourself with good friends and a good church and find some peace, even if it’s not the happiness you originally wanted and thought you were getting. I pray that you’ll find the God who can comfort the most brokenhearted.

  17. Harry
    December 9, 2011

    In the article, you state,”the idea that the body was bad and the spirit was good actually came from a cult, not from Christianity.”

    What cult are you referring to?

    • Sheila
      December 9, 2011

      It was an originally Greek idea, which was incorporated into the Gnostic heresy.

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