Help When You’re Too Loose to Make Love–or Too Tight

Getting Back in Shape if You're Too Loose After Childbirth
A few weeks ago we talked on Wifey Wednesday about a rather embarrassing, and distressing, problem. What do you do when you find yourself “too loose” after childbirth? You’ve pushed out some babies, and your vagina doesn’t seem to push back anymore. You feel like your vagina is too loose, and you’re not enjoying sex as much now. And neither is your husband!

We talked about some strategies, and a few physiotherapists weighed in in the comments and gave some really useful suggestions. I just wanted to write a quick post and follow up with some of what they said, as well as with some more resources that I’ve found. But if you missed the original post on dealing with sex when you’re too loose, read it first.

The physiotherapists agree that Kegel exercises are the best therapy. Squeeze and relax while you’re peeing to stop the flow just to get used to what a Kegel squeeze feels like. Make sure you don’t get too used to doing these Kegels while you’re peeing, though, or you could inadvertently cause a bladder infection by failing to empty your bladder all the way.

Physiotherapists do have exercises they can help you with, too, if you’re comfortable approaching someone with this problem. If that sounds just too creepy and weird for you, though, here are some resources created by physiotherapists that can aid you!

In the first post I mentioned balls that you can hold inside your vagina to get your muscles used to squeezing again. But I was really reluctant to point to sex toy shops, because I have issues with a lot of things they sell. Well, I found some that you can buy on Amazon that aren’t actual sex toys! Instead, they’re Kegel exercisers created by physiotherapists, and you can check them out here. These look like exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of, and they’re  exactly for this issue.

Beyond Kegels is a book that looks specifically at how to exercise to cure incontinence, but it’s the same muscles, and this program gives more than just the typical Kegel exercises. So if you’re having real problems, this gives solutions in exercises that only take about 5 minutes a day. And if you’re more the DVD type, and want to watch, here’s a DVD set that addresses how you stand, lift, walk, and all kinds of other things to improve your pelvic muscles.

Now, I know a lot of you women don’t really like thinking about this. A lot of us are embarrassed about our bodies to begin with. We’re bigger than we once were. We feel like we’ve lost our attractiveness. Our waist has disappeared. And now that one part of us that we took for granted isn’t really bouncing back, either.

If you’re embarrassed, don’t let it stop you from getting help. The vagina is a muscle like anything else. If you work it out, you make it stronger. You really can feel empowered and feminine and strong again. And believe me, your marriage is worth it. So go and check these pelvic exercisers out! You’re worth it.

 But what if you have the opposite problem? What if you’re too tight? I’ve written about vaginismus before, and if you’re really struggling because you find sex painful, do not stand for it! Really, it’s not supposed to be painful, and you absolutely can get over this and enjoy sex. I know I did. The Complete Vaginismus Treatment Kit takes you step-by-step through understanding what vaginismus is, what the steps are to a cure, and how to implement those steps without surgery, a lot of invasive doctor’s visits, and more. It comes with a DVD, a set of vaginal dilators, and some books, and it has great reviews. Take a look!

Truly, the vagina is a muscle like anything else. And like anything else, it can go wrong in a variety of ways. The vagina can be too loose, and it can be too tight. It can be painful, or it can not feel much of anything at all. And if you’re struggling with sex because of this, it’s easy to start to believe that “sex just isn’t for me“, and then give up. Please don’t. Your marriage needs you to try. Your husband needs you to try. And God wants you to experience the joy that comes from a good sex life. When things physically go wrong, sometimes we start believing, “sex was made for everyone but me.” Or we think, “this sex thing is a crock. It really is only for guys.” I know. I’ve been there. But it isn’t. That’s a lie, and you don’t  have to think that. It really can get better. And if you’re struggling with understanding why God created sex this way, and what His intention really was, I pray my book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex can give you hope.

Whatever your problem is, whether it’s flashbacks from sexual abuse, or fear, or physical issues, or shame, just know that it doesn’t have to stay this way. You may not be able to see a way out now, but it can be better. And if you can at least hold on to that promise, then it’s easier to get help. And it’s easier to communicate this hope to your husband, so that you can go forward together.

Products Featured in this Post:
Kegel Exercise Weights
Beyond Kegels book
Sexhercise Essentials: Reclaim Bladder Control DVD set
Vaginismus Treatment Kit
The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex

This post contains affiliate links.

Comments

  1. I am a woman who has recovered from vaginismus, and I just want to post to say that if that’s you, THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!! When my husband and I were first married, we were unable to have intercourse at all for 4 months (and believe me, we tried!). Then we found a paragragh on vaginismus in a Christian marriage book we were reading, so we googled it and found help.

    Today, we have 2 beautiful (er…handsome) little boys, who are a testimony to God’s grace. We are so thankful that God led us to a solution!! I won’t say ALL of our problems in the area of sex are solved. They aren’t, but we’re sure a whole lot further along than we were 4 1/2 years ago when we first got married.

    So don’t despair – find help!! It’s out there.

    • Thanks, Allison! I hope many others read your comment and feel hope!

      • I struggled with this issue, too. It made for a heartbreaking wedding night, and really messed with my husband’s confidence. This issue plagued us for about two years. We tried the kit you recommend and got to where it would sorta work but be painful for both of us. Eventually I got pregnant. After my daughter was born, though, the problem was resolved and things work great! It took a long time, though.

  2. I also recovered from vaginismus. We were married for about 2.5 years before we finally achieved intercourse! My big motivating factor was that I wanted children. So I held my breath through the pain and we finally “did it.” It was still painful and I dreaded it every time. I was so grateful when I got pregnant so I didn’t have to go through it as often. My first was born via c-section and, after baby #1’s birth we felt like we were starting from the beginning again. Baby #2 was born vaginally and, though it was still painful, it was much easier! So I loved being “loosened up” after giving birth. It’s still painful initially but we are finally at the point in our sex lives (after over 7 years of marriage) that we are able to take time to figure out how to enjoy sex.
    The best part of all: we are so much closer for all the struggles we have been through. God is so good and He really can make miracles happen!

    • That’s great! I’m so glad your husband was so patient, and that now you can take time to make it feel good for you, too!

  3. My wife had a simular problem after our second baby. She didn’t know it was called Kegel exercises but that is what she was doing. It worked great for both of us.

  4. Thank you for posting this – i have always felt SO alone in this struggle with vaginismis even though my husband has been understanding. I will be looking at the resources you posted.

  5. My wife has suffered for tightness for a long time about 8 years. It got so bad at times she decide that sex was not worth it this became a major issue in are marriage . She would talk to her obgyn about it get tons if different answers nothing worked Finally her doctor diagnose with vaginismus and did surgery to help but still no luck. Till one day we changed insurance and she was going to have to get a new obgyn this new doctor saw the problem quickly and gave us steps to fix it. Pills, cream and dilator. Long story short if your are having problems and your doctors not helping change doctors. Also dr drew has a podcast where he talks to Dr. Andrew T. Goldstein the leader in vaginal pain about these issue if I would have heard this 7 years ago would have fixed a lot of problems. They discuss how this is a huge problem and where to get help. If you are having issue find and listen. The wife and me I still working at getting back to a health sex life but not we try to be more understanding to each others needs.

    • Thanks for sharing your story, Jason. This is such a difficult problem for so many couples, and few doctors take it seriously. I’m so glad you got help!

  6. Karie Mueller says:

    My vaginal walls got loose after delivery of my first child and my husband was not feeling that sensation due to this problem but thanks to the product Myotaut Serum Now me and my husband both are happy!

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] about this wisely. 7. Why Sex Matters to Your Husband. A guest post that made it onto the list! 8. Making Love when You’re Too Loose or Too Tight. Inspired by an email from a reader, I do a roundup on solutions to some common sexual problems. 9. [...]

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  3. […] involved. Perhaps one of you is paralyzed, or has had cancer, or has chronic pain, or even has vaginismus. Some of these things can get better, but others are for life. I’ve written about what to do […]

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