It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Today we’re going to get a bit graphic, and talk about an embarrassing, but very common, problem. What do you do after you’ve pushed out a couple of babies, and your vagina is now quite loose? You don’t really have a lot of sensation from sex anymore, and your husband doesn’t seem to enjoy it.
Now, I know really graphic stuff around sex does bother some people, but I do want to be a place where people can come to get their honest questions answered, so sometimes we have to talk explicitly! And this is a real problem.
But just because it’s a real problem does not mean that it is insurmountable. On the contrary, with a bit of work, this can usually be overcome. And even better: the work itself will help you to enjoy sex more. So see it as a fun project, rather than something that you have to do because you’re a failure or something. You’re not.
Here’s what’s happened: the vagina is a muscle, and like any muscle, it can be stretched. But usually muscles bounce back, because we use them a lot and they’re quite elastic. They don’t just stretch out; they come back in, too. But the vagina isn’t necessarily like that, because we don’t ENGAGE those muscles very often. They’re there, but we don’t really use them. If you start engaging them, though, you can train your muscles to contract again, so that you’re not as loose and you both feel more sensation during sex.
Here’s how:
1. Do Kegel Exercises
Kegel exercises help you to contract and relax, contract and relax, so that you can start feeling how those muscles work. Most women have never really done these exercises, because a lot of us are quite wary of our bodies, and especially “those parts”. But it isn’t hard to do these. Next time you go pee, just stop. Practice stopping the flow of urine, say five times each time you go pee. That’s engaging the same muscles that we’re talking about. And when you stop the flow of urine, you’re squeezing your vaginal muscles.
Why do this when you pee? Well, it gives you an obvious answer as to whether or not you’re really engaging the right muscles. It helps you to see whether you’re relaxed or tight. And as you get used to doing this while you pee, you’ll learn what it feels like to squeeze those muscles. Then you can start doing it at other times of day. It’s not like anyone can see you do it, or knows that you’re doing it. So try to start squeezing and relaxing, squeezing and relaxing, throughout the day. Do it everytime you’re standing there doing dishes, or everytime you’re driving in a car.
I know it feels awkward, but there’s truly nothing wrong with it. And you’re making your body in better shape!
It may take quite a few weeks of this before you’re naturally a little tighter again. It really depends how loose the muscles are. But the more frequently you do it, the more you’re giving yourself a workout, and the more you’re building up those muscles.
UPDATE: As a physiotherapist commented below, it’s not a good idea to do these exercises EVERYTIME you pee, because it could lead to bladder infections if you don’t fully empty your bladder. So try it initially when you pee just so you get used to using the muscles and identifying them, but then do the exercises at other times of day!
2. Squeeze and Relax During Sex
Now that you’re used to the squeeze and relax feeling, try doing it during intercourse. Everytime that he thrusts, you squeeze and relax. This way you’re squeezing him, and he’ll feel tighter, and you’ll feel more sensation, too. Of course, you can also squeeze and just hold the squeeze, and he’ll likely enjoy that as well.
3. Try Other Positions
If you find that this still isn’t working for you, may I suggest trying something other than the typical missionary position, where he’s on top and you’re on the bottom? In that position, you’re the most open. So you’re going to be looser in that position than in any other one. I know that you may really enjoy that position, because you can look in each other’s eyes, but there’s no problem with mixing things up every now and then. And you may enjoy the sensation of feeling a little bit tighter.
Rear entry works well. So does him sitting, and then you climbing on top of him, facing 45 degrees away. So if he’s facing 6:00, you face 3:00. You’re sideways. This way you can still hug easily, but it often feels tighter. It can also work if you lie on your back, but put your legs up in the air, and then he kneels in front of you. (Again, sorry to be so graphic, but that’s the truth!)
4. Try Holding Something
Now I’m going to say something that is a little controversial, and I would say a last resort, if you have tried the other things and they don’t seem to be working. If you can force your vagina to tighten for considerable lengths of time, you can learn how to keep it tight. But that requires holding something there. So you have two options: some kind of ball or plug, or a Diva cup (for when you’re having your period). The reason I hesitate to mention this is that, on the whole, I am very wary of most sex toys, and I am ESPECIALLY wary of shopping at the stores, even online, because I think it can lead to stuff that we really shouldn’t be using, and it supports a business which is changing our culture in a negative way.
So if anyone knows another way to purchase such stuff online, let me know in the comments, and I’ll change this whole post so that I’m not even suggesting it! But there are items you can purchase which are balls, connected by a string, which you can hold inside you and help you to tighten. No one can see that they are there, and you can put them in all day. If you don’t tighten around them, they fall out, so you have to learn to contract. And that can be very helpful. But again, if anyone knows if you can buy such things at medical supply companies instead, I’d love to hear it!
UPDATE: Okay, I’ve found some perfect ones, designed by a physiotherapist, that you can get at Amazon! No sex toy shopping, and they’re meant to help you exercise (they’re not focused on arousal), so that’s a little more comfortable during the day. Seriously, if you find yourself too loose, you owe you and your husband the effort to try these!
Those are my thoughts. And once again: believe me, if you do these things, you will see a difference within a few weeks, and you should be pretty much back to normal in a few months. It takes some work, though. You can’t just do one or two exercises a day and expect to bounce back. So work at it! And I know that’s difficult, because many of us women would rather ignore that part of our body throughout the day. We really don’t like thinking about it. But this requires you to focus more, and learn more about how your body works and feels. And when you go through that process, even if it’s a little psychologically uncomfortable for you, you’ll end up really enjoying your intimate life with your husband more!
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
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You are doing an awesome job discussing things that aren’t usually discussed in Christian circles. Some women just don’t know what to do about things so they continue to suffer.
Thank you for keeping info out there for Christian women!
BTW, I posted about your article yesterday.
Janet
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Thanks, Janet! I think it’s funny that this post doesn’t really have comments, unlike most posts. But what do I expect?
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Yes indeed! LOL!
Our family pics were taken by my 15 year old son!
That’s a homeschooler for ya. I’ll brag for a minute. He is into photography and graphic design/media… stuff… He hasn’t touched up the photos with Photoshop yet so I’m sure they will be even better later.
Thanks for the visit. You are inspiring me. I’ve read a lot of your stuff and am venturing into a speaking ministry. I just finished building my website and am adding content this week.
You can check it out here: http://www.howsyourview.org
Thank you Sheila!
Janet
Shelia, wonderful post and I am sure it was helpful as this can be a SUPER embarrassing situation. There is a company called Natural Contours(http://www.natural-contours.com/) that sells a product called Energie that was designed for making kegels stronger. They do also sell other products, however the site is EXTREMELY tasteful and not at all sexual. Anther VERY VERY good way to get your muscles in shape are good deep squats. They engage all the muscles in the area. This is something I learned about pelvic floor health from my midwife with this pregnancy. The entire area should be worked out and squats engage your entire bottom.
Christine recently posted..Sometimes ironing his shirts isn’t enough
Thanks, Christine! That’s awesome! I’ll edit the post in a minute to include that link and that idea!
and here is an AWESOME post on starting and doing them right. http://www.alignedandwell.com/?p=1310&option=com_wordpress&Itemid=223
Christine recently posted..Sometimes ironing his shirts isn’t enough
Ooohh good point about doing squats. That should help strengthen that whole bottom area!
Janet
Janet recently posted..Romance In Marriage ~ God’s Way!
I usually purchase things through home selling parties. They have Ben-Wa balls that you can hold in all day too…the ones attached to the string, well those are usually used for other stuff (NOTE: changed by editor just to avoid certain filters)
I am so glad to see another Christian woman spreading the word about sexual pleasure for our husbands and ourselves! SEX ROCKS, best thing God gave to us to have with our spouses.
Thanks, Neely! Nice to see you here!
Years ago, I worked in a physical therapy clinic and one of the therapists specialized working women on these sorts of issues. If you don’t keep those pelvic floor muscles strong, it can lead to incontinence.
As for getting fun stuff from a safe site… book22.com. We’ve gotten a few fun things, it comes in a simple box, and the site is very safe.
Loving the posts and I love that you will broach these kinds of issues.
Rachael recently posted..Book Review: The Naturally Clean Home
Hi Rachael, Yes, I just checked out that site, and it is “Christian”, so to speak. Again, I just have an issue with certain products, which I’ll probably dedicate a different post to in the future, and I don’t like pointing people to places where they sell that stuff! But at the same time, some of these products can be used to strengthen your muscles, so they’re definitely useful! Thanks for the link!
I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on those certain products that you have issue with. I’m coming from a view point that if you are both okay with it, and both comfortable, and it is about enjoying each other in a respectful manner, its okay. But, I’m always interested if there is a need to refine my view.
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Sure! I’ll write a post on it soon (although I have a huge list now of things that people want me to address, but I will get to this!). I just want to do it justice by giving it a longer post, rather than just in the comments, because I do want to explain my reasoning. I’d say it was most similar to my reasoning in the post on masturbation , which, if I could sum up, would be things are definitely allowed in marriage, but sex is designed to cement you together, not drive you apart. So it’s fine to have fun, but it always should be in the open, and it should be done with the design of bringing you together. If something is more inclined to help your body feel good, but does so in a way that diminishes the pleasure that you get just from each other, that’s a problem. In other words, if something else is better than the real thing, you’ve got issues. So while there’s nothing wrong with enhancing, there may be something wrong with training your body to prefer one thing over another. And since physical intimacy is supposed to cement us together spiritually, emotionally, and physically, if we concentrate solely on the physical we can lose the rest. So I’m not saying absolutely no by any stretch, but I would offer a strong caution on many things. But I’ll elaborate more later!
Okay, I found some perfect ones at Amazon, designed by a physiotherapist! So you don’t have to go to a sex toy shop. They’re right here!
Sheila, I think you handled this article in a matter-of-fact, yet sensitive way.
Great job!
Thanks, Jennies! Glad to see someone I know in real life!
Kudos to you for covering this delicate but needed topic. I was once sitting in a circle of moms, and one of the ladies exclaimed, “Sneezing just ain’t the same anymore.” We all fell over in fits of laughter. How true!
I think your specific advice is particularly helpful. Keep up the great stuff!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Godly Sex Is Complex
Thanks, J!
Great post Sheila!
My biggest problem when trying to strengthen those muscles is continual arousal. How do you cope with that? I mean, it’s a good thing, right? But all day? It drives me batty!
I know this might sound like a lughing matter, but it isn’t. It would be especially disconcerting for the wife whose husband was at work for 12 hours a day and/or who doesn’t have a similar ‘drive’ or needs as the wife.
Any ideas?
Good question, Susan! If this is a problem, then I’d suggest waiting to do the exercises until your hubby’s home! And find a way to entertain the kids right when he does get home
. Or else concentrate most of the exercises to the evening. There’s nothing wrong with being vaguely “frustrated” all day, either, since it can make the excitement more when he gets home. But if you’re caring for little kids at the same time, that can be a little bit strange. So I would just time it to when you don’t have to focus on ltitle ones.
If he doesn’t have the same drive as you, and isn’t really interested in making love at the drop of a hat, then I would still work on the exercises, but find out why he isn’t as interested in sex. For most guys that is unusual, and often has a root cause (porn use, insecurity, or even medical issues). Try addressing those things and rule them out. Some guys, of course, just have low testosterone and aren’t as interested as most, but really that’s quite unusual. There’s often another reason. So work on your friendship so that you’re really connecting and you have a good foundation, and then work on talking these things through!
Thanks Sheila,
My dh is 10 yrs older than I am. Years ago, he was on fire and I was tired all the time with little ones. Now we’re older and the children are all teens (or have left home) and I’m now on fire and darling hubby works ridiculous hours, travels too far to work AND has long term injuries that wear him out. So by the end of the day, the poor 52yo love is totally and utterly worn out.
And yes, we are being proactive about all that – looking at a sea change within the next 12 months !!!
We really appreciate when these common but, too often, taboo issues are addressed in an unapologetic yet reverant way. Thank you.
We’d like to offer that we recoomend to women who are experiencing this “looseness” that friction is really what is loss with respect to the sensations lost in intercourse. As the woman’s vagina becomes lubricated during arousal, it also deepens. This combination makes it difficult for the husband to feel her and for her to feel him.
Simple alternate solution: She can close her legs in any position and alter the “feel”. Whether missionary 9woman on back), cowgirl (woman on top) or doggiestyle (rear entry), when the wife closes her legs with just enough space for him to penetrate, she tightens the first couple of inches of her opening. This is where the frictional pleasure is typically located for her and where the man’s frenulum (underpart of genital head) is typically most stimulated during penetration.
If affected, experiment to find out whether this solution works for you. It doesn’t work for all but it does for many…until the kegels kick in…
Thanks for that! Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. Even more so, if she closes her legs and lifts them in the air, and he kneels in front of her, she’ll be much tighter. The key is just to try a whole bunch of positions, and have fun doing so, until you find some that are tighter! Really appreciate you visiting the blog!
After five natural births, I can attest to the benefits of Kegels, but strange as it may sound taking a fasting period from intercourse can also help tighten things up. I say this part speaking as a military spouse who has experienced deployment separation before. DH and I have had deployments of anywhere from a biblical 40 days all the way up to 18 months during which time we saw each other three times total. Not only can that help keep your drive high if you’re in a healthy marriage, but it can help tighten things up. Just a thought and a different perspective.
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Thanks for that, Tillie! That must be so difficult living through those separations. Thanks for the service that both you and your husband offer to your country!
There is something you can buy that look an awfull lot like tweezers that a woman can insert to help workout the vaginal muscles. I don’t remember what it’s called though, I just know it looks like tweezers.
http://covenantspice.com is a Christian site for marital aids. Since I’m at work, I’m not going to check, but they may have the device I’m talking about.
Don’t forget that talking to your doctor about this kind of thing can be helpful too.
As a physiotherapist who specializes in Pelvic Health, I applaud Sheila for bringing up this subject. Issues of pelvic floor weakness, which can contribute to incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse, are incredibly common in women of all ages, but especially after childbirth and menopause. However, many common issues are actually caused by pelvic floor muscles being *too tight* (we use the term “hypertonic”) and that is often the cause of painful intercourse, urge incontinence (often called Overactive Bladder), and pelvic pain. In short, Kegels are not always the answer to pelvic floor conditions, in some situations they can make things worse and often people are doing them incorrectly! If you are having issues, consider seeing a physiotherapist who specializes in this area – they can check to see if kegels will help the problem(s) you are experiencing and help you to do them correctly. They will also advise you of simple lifestyle, diet and exercise tips to improve your symptoms without surgery! There is lots of research evidence that pelvic floor muscle training with a physiotherapist can delay or even avoid surgery for incontinence or prolapse.
Just one more note, practicing Kegels while urinating on a regular basis is not recommended as it can lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder, which increases your risk of bladder infection. It’s okay as a way to find the muscles initially but not on a regular basis, and not as recommended as having a professional check how those muscles are working.
Thank you so much for that helpful comment, Heather! I’ll make the amendment about the urinating in the post, so that I’m sure other people see!
The cheapest option, recommended to me by my OB, was using the plastic “egg” from a kinder surprise egg, add the appropriate amount of coins in for weight, then put it all in a condom, insert in the right place….enjoy the chocolate first : )
Cool! Thanks for sharing!