Why do we women often find it so hard to just say yes to sex?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! And today I’m wondering if married women should adopt Nike’s slogan when it comes to making love: Just do it!
I read a tweet on Twitter recently from @Intimacy4Life (from the blog Intimacy in Marriage) that said:
Sex matters in a marriage. If we say it doesn’t, we’ve believed a lie somewhere along the way.
I absolutely agree. Sex is what God created to glue us together. It is extremely intimate. Sex has the capacity for being extremely fun. It is relaxing.
And yet so often women’s primary attitude towards sex is, “my husband wants sex too much. How can I get away with not doing it very often?”
Now, I know for some women you’d love to make love more, but your husband isn’t interested. For you, I’d recommend this post on what to do when your husband’s libido is low. But I want to talk to the rest of the women today.
I often get questions that say something like this: “My husband wants to make love every day, and I’d be happy with once every two weeks. How often do we have to make love? Can we compromise on once a week? Is that okay?” Or they say something like, “If I just make love twice a week, then I’m average, right? So he can’t complain?”
In other words, the focus is: What’s the minimum I can do and still be considered a good wife?
Why are we focused on doing the minimum when it comes to sex, rather than looking for reasons to say yes to sex?
It’s because we’re tired, sex doesn’t always feel that great, we’re not in the mood, and we’d rather just sleep. Sex is a hassle. It’s something kind of pathetic that he needs, and I want to deal with it so I can stop worrying about it. So let’s do the minimum.
That’s a really lousy attitude. I know that’s how many women feel, but it’s awfully counterproductive. So let me offer another suggestion, and it may sound radical:
Rather than focusing on how many times a week or a month you MUST make love, ask yourself this: TONIGHT, do I have a good reason to say no? And if you don’t, say yes.
In other words, don’t keep track. Don’t say, “well, we made love two nights ago, so I’m off the hook today.” Think of each night as a new night when you can show love to your husband. And ask yourself, “do I have a good reason to say no?” And if you don’t, say yes!
I guarantee that if you start saying yes to sex, your marriage will improve.
You’ll keep your husband happy, he’ll feel like a million bucks, but you’ll also feel closer to him. You’ll be more relaxed around him at other times, too, because you won’t have to worry that he’s upset at you for not making love. He’ll feel closer to you, so he’ll likely talk to you more. And your body will be more relaxed!
So what are good reasons for refusing sex?
Your period, obviously. Illness. Extreme depression or worry so you can’t concentrate.
But I wouldn’t put exhaustion on that list, for a few reasons. First, sex actually makes you sleep better, and it’s not like it takes an hour. If you make love as soon as you crawl into bed, you’ll likely only delay getting to sleep for fifteen minutes, but you will sleep more deeply, and wake up more refreshed. You’ll likely drop off more quickly, too, because you won’t have any lingering guilt or worries that he wanted to make love.
Of course, if sex hurts, you need to deal with it. And if you’re haunted by flashbacks from sexual abuse, you need to deal with that, too. If it doesn’t feel very good, so you don’t see what all the fuss is about, read this post on how to make it feel better! In other words, work on your reasons for saying no so that they don’t last forever. I know some of us have major barriers in the bedroom (I did), but you can get over them. And dedicate yourself to doing so, with the thought that you do want to have fun!
If you take this attitude–I’ll say yes to sex unless I have a really good reason for saying no–so much in your marriage will change.
But one final caveat: when I conducted my surveys for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, over and over again men wrote on their survey, “I’ve been turned down so many times I just stop asking now.” Perhaps you think your husband isn’t that interested in sex because he never initiates, so you’re doing fine. That’s likely not true. He may never initiate because he’s frustrated and a little humiliated. So let’s turn the challenge into this: “If you don’t have a good reason for not making love, jump him!” Don’t wait for him to proposition something; you initiate sex. And you’ll likely find you have a very happy husband!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.