Someone once told me not to say that my life was busy, but to say that it is rich and full. That’s very true, but I still feel very busy lately!
On Thursday we threw our “Glad You’re Not Dead” party for my mom, for surviving cancer twenty-five years later. The whole family was here (including some who had to fly in), and it was a great reunion.
Then on Friday my husband and I, with some other helpers, took a group of teenagers from our church to a Bible quizzing tournament in Ottawa for the weekend. It’s much less geeky than it sounds.
Here’s daughter #1 in the quiz offs for top quizzer, beside daughter #2′s best friend (yes, he is wearing pyjama bottoms. That was his uniform. And the pink is his team’s colour).
And here’s me with Becca and Nic’s dad Trevor with him, before the quiz offs:
While we were in the bus ride up and back, I spent most of the time talking with two of the female coaches, both of whom are divorced (both had their husbands leave them). One is now contemplating getting back together with said ex-husband, and so we spent a lot of time talking about how to develop healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship with God before you took the plunge again with a man who has been unstable in the past. It was actually a very good conversation (at least I thought so).
And during that conversation, both women told me how cute they thought my husband and I are. My husband is really very affectionate to me, even in public. He’s always calling me “sweetie” or kissing my cheek, or coming up to me and putting his arm around me. And I do the same for him. And these women said to me, “if you guys broke up, my whole world view would be busted”. I knew my kids felt that way, but I didn’t really know that others did, too. It reinforces to me the thought that other people are watching us.
One of the things that’s always worried me a little bit is that maybe by being so “cute” in public other women might become dissatisfied with their relationships, because their husbands aren’t as affectionate. And so sometimes I worry that I’m making people jealous (not that they want to steal my husband, but that they want what we have). I suppose that’s silly, but so often when wives leave their husbands, it’s because they fundamentally don’t feel loved or pursued, and that leads to all kinds of other problems (it can morph into her resenting him, him responding in anger, cycles of verbal abuse, etc.). And so I don’t want to give anyone an excuse to be dissatisfied.
But these women told me that I showed them what was possible.
I remember on a missions trip a few years ago, Keith and I were staying in the guest house with a number of other women, all of whom were married. We all had different bedrooms but we shared a bathroom and a common room. And one day Keith and I were having a disagreement about something; I’m sure it was insignificant, and I don’t remember now. But afterwards one of the women, who was a little older than me, took me aside and said that watching us resolve that was just such an encouragement to her, because she saw how easily we did it, and how we didn’t stay mad, and hwo we were gracious towards each other.
People really do watch us. Not just our children, but others, too. And in a world of celebrities constantly splitting up, having a good, solid marriage is something that can make others believe that God does make a difference, that lifetime love is possible. They also see how you act to one another: what you do when you disagree, or when something bad happens, or when you’re just having a bad day. They see how you act when you’re not at your best. That really can be a tremendous witness.
So it made me feel honoured at the same time as it made me feel a great amount of responsibility. People are watching us. They want us to succeed in our marriages. Let’s not let them down.
Now, let me tell you about one area where I was not at my best this weekend. Here’s my problem: I really, really like my children’s friends, both the guys and the girls. And I am having a tremendously hard time butting out where relationships are concerned. I think I get too caught up in my girls’ happiness. I won’t elaborate because I don’t want to spill their issues on the internet, but I think what I’m realizing is that my girls, as they enter their later teens, are going to start to learn patience and trust with God, just as I did at their age. They don’t know what–or who–they want for their future, and they will have to learn to leave it to God. I thought most of those lessons were over for me. When I had to trust God with my son when he was sick, I thought God was finished with that particular part of my character.
Turns out He’s not, because now I have to learn trust all over again: trust that God will lead my girls to the future He wants for them (not the future I want for them), and trust that my girls will figure that out, without me micromanaging. That’s hard. Anyone else ever gone through that? I’d love some pointers!
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I’m going threw the exact same thing with my teenage daughter…I’m quite sure that childbirth wasn’t as hard as letting her go threw this stage of her life while standing two steps behind her. Trying to be there to catch her if she falls, and if she wants my help, without yelling “watch out! You’re going to get hurt!” Every day, is incredibly challenging.
luckily, I have the blessing of my daughters mentor. When she was about 13, maybe 12, she started pulling away. Sharing less and less with me. Giving me the answer “nothing” when I’d sak “what’s wrong” started to become the norm.
Recognizing that she needed someone to talk too during this time of her life, that wasn’t one of her equally confused friends, but someone that could offer her true wisdom, that comes from surviving those teenage years. I approached a friend of mine who seemed to have a connection with her and asked if she’d take her out for coffee and see what happens. She agreed. This sparked a relationship between the two of them that has saved our family a tremendous amount of drama many times.
Not only does my daughter have a confidant that she can trust, and that I know has the same values as me, but I also benefit from this mentors wisdom as well. She has a perspective on our relationship that I no longer have. She NEVER gives details, only advice. One piece of advice she gave while we my daughter and I were going threw a particularly difficult time was a recommendation of a book, Losing Control & Liking It by Tim Sanford. It changed the way I parent. It was an easy read and gave me practical steps, and even reasons, why I should let her manage more of life on her own.
I strongly recommend picking up a copy:)
Good luck, breath deeply, cry when you need to, and never stop loving her. Even when you’ve got to set her free<3
Enaka, that’s a great story! I find what I’m struggling with is the urge to give advice all the time. I really need to shut up and just let them both make their own choices, and force them into God’s arms as they start wrestling with trust issues, etc.
I’m glad you have that kind of a friend who is a mentor to her. My oldest daughter has a lot of adult women she respects, but she tends to talk mostly to me. And I worry sometimes that I coddle rather than letting her walk through it herself, because she needs to. It’s a tough balance, to be there for her without interfering, especially when you start getting emotionally invested in stuff. Ugh. These are hard years!
What a great reminder for us marrieds! I think that many children whose parents have divorced or have a bad marriage also look for examples of happily married couples to know what is possible. I have found those couples to be very encouraging in my own life. Thanks, Sheila!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted..Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.
That’s very true. I know I did as a child, and I still remember the couples that impressed me. I thought: I want to be like them!
Yes people are always watching our marriage – we know it because we hear it and we see/hear how they think of our children. However we’re not as lovey dovey as you in public but people know what we have.
the other thing you mentioned – I was recently disappointed by another parent and how she handled something that involved my little one and i now find myself wanting to protect the little one. I’m not a coddler but because I know her feelings will be hurt i’ve all of a sudden become a bit more protective simply because i hurt for her. i know in the end both she (my little one ) and I will be fine.
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That is hard! I get really defensive if someone hurts my children, too!
I usually find it encouraging to see marriages where love and mutual respect are apparent, but sometimes, it can bring a pang of sadness too if it is at a time of struggle in my own marriage. Even when that happens though, I would rather see other marriages that appear strong and help me have the hope for what my own may someday be.
It sounds like your weekend was full of blessings and good conversation with others and with God!
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Sharla, yes, I guess that’s what I’m hoping for: that the marriage might be an example to both about how to interact with each other, and offer hope that things can get better. Keith and I certainly weren’t always like this!
Sheila,
Thank you for the great reminder of the example our marriages show to others. In our 25 years of marriage we have had some really rough patches, one which lead to a marital separation and thankful reconciliation. At times it is hard to not carry the guilt of others seeing our “yucky” years, but I keep reminding myself that we also demonstrate something even grander…as we have been able to show by our example perseverance and the love of God. (We both know it is by His grace alone that our marriage exists today.)
I have two young adult children and one 16 year old daughter, so I understand the struggles of letting go and letting God. Both of my daughters are very strong willed, so that in it self presents interesting challenges as, especially as I tend to be more passive. My biggest struggle is watching my youngest daughter make less than desirable choices and allowing them to suffer the consequences. Many times I find myself repeating, “God, I know You love them more than I, please help me let You work with them.”
Thanks for all your great posts!
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Kim, thanks for your comment. I think reconciliation, and bringing something good out of something everybody else would have written off, is something absolutely beautiful that only God can do. So it’s great that He can take your yucky years and make them into a testimony for Him.
It is hard with teens. I never really realized it until we hit these years. They actually need us more now than they did when they were 8 or 9 it seems.