Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me

My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me: Thoughts on how to build your friendship
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I recently received an email that said this:

My husband likes to hang out with “the guys” after work, and he’s rarely home. I’m lonely. Is that normal?

That’s tough, isn’t it? So let me give a few quick thoughts.

First, it is absolutely fine for men to hang out with friends.

They do need male bonding. That being said, everything should be in balance, and if he’s consistently with his friends, and he’s never with you, that’s not healthy for your relationship.

However, nagging rarely helps anything. If you complain about it, then he will feel like he’s being attacked, or that you’re pressuring him, and that could cause him to withdraw further.

Instead, ask yourself: Do WE have a good friendship?

So instead, let’s just think about the dynamics of your relationship. Often when people marry, they marry because they love each other and they want to be together. But they don’t necessarily have a really good friendship. They don’t necessarily have things that they enjoy doing together (other than sex). So, once you’re married, it’s easy to start to drift apart because you didn’t have regular things that you did together.

Guys, when they don’t have something specific planned, will then often say, “I’ll hang out with the guys, because nothing else is on at home tonight.”

So what I would recommend is that you sit down with your husband and ask what sorts of things he enjoys doing that you can do with him. Does he like to fish? Then start fishing with him (even if you don’t like to fish!). Does he like taking bike rides? Then start riding bikes together. Does he like watching sporting events? Then try going to some. Or take up a new hobby, like tennis together.

Find something that you can do, rather than just hang out at home.

If you have something specific planned, he’s more likely to come home. And if it’s something that he enjoys, all the better! Find ways to laugh together, instead of nagging him to just be home. Many men don’t want to “just be home”. They need a reason, like something that they are going to do together. Of course, that’s tricky if you have little kids, but see if you can find things to do as a family, or swap baby-sitting with another couple, so you can have some one-on-one time.

But instead of saying, “let’s do something tonight”, try saying, “let’s take a walk”, or “let’s paint the deck”, or “let’s play a game of tennis.” Be specific.

Also remember that men tend to communicate side by side, rather than face to face.

They like talking while they’re doing something. They don’t tend to like just sitting around and talking face to face, the way we women do. So the more you can find things to do, the more you’ll likely communicate. And if you start laughing and finding things to do together, he’ll probably want to be with you more.

So rather than tell him that you want him home more, or that you want him to do something that you want to do, try to find things that he enjoys doing that you can do with him, even if you have to stretch yourself or go outside of your comfort zone. The best thing that you can do for your relationship is just to learn to be friends again, so try that out!

Wifey Wednesday: Christian marriage postsWhat do you all think? Anyone have any better advice or other thoughts on what to do if your husband never wants to spend time with you?

Now it’s your turn! Do you have some marriage advice to share with us? Link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!



Comments

  1. My husband and I were saddened when a friends marriage disintegrated over abject boredom. They were kind of our younger, life of the party friends, always good for a laugh and we’d joke that they were our only couple-friends worth hiring a baby-sitter for. Everyone else was always too tired or too broke to do anything fun and they were like a reminder that parents can (and should) have – and be – fun, too. But once they married, in fact almost immediately after “I do”, the wife went into sit around at home mode, never to be interesting again. This darling girl, the wife of his youth (who was way prettier, smarter, more adventurous than he, and he appreciated these things in her immensely) – she left the building, or rather, she stayed in the building, flopped on the couch (after madly compulsively cleaning and updating their gift registry). This was not his idea of a good time, so nights out with the guys became more frequent, as did working overtime, as did visits to his own parents and more time on hobbies, etc, all of which she took offense to, read as “he doesn’t want to be with me”. So, ultimately, one night when he was out with the guys, she packed up her things and left. The End.

    Sadly he has since died, but for the few years between their parting and his death, he never understood what happened with her.

    I feel this is so important for mothers to convey to their daughters – marriage is a change to be sure, but it should not be a sentence to a pre-conceived notion of what that relationship should look like, for either party. For our friend, her idea of marriage was framed entirely by what generations of her family (literally, we found out later) had done, rather than what her own husband desired, or even what she might have preferred. She bored both of them into apathy, and eventually despair. How sad! I love how often our mutual friend Terri/ Breathing Grace reiterates “own husband” – it’s crucial to be his match not only in labor, but in FUN! He married you, didn’t he? He wants to be with YOU! Are you the girl he married, or has she left the building?

    • Cottage Child, great comment! Thanks so much for that. I hope that people heed your warning.

    • I believe marriage is a two way street. Did the husband ever try to do something to bring back the fun in the marriage. I have a husband who will jump out of bed the moment a friend calls him to go do whatever. When I plan a day out he always has am excuse. On New year’s day we planned to go to the beach with another couple something which should have been fun but he made it a point to bring his friend along (who never goes anywhere with his wife). I felt so rejected and lonely on that beach. The other couple had some “family” time and I saw it rude to go sit next to them.

      On Christmas day he hung around with a single friend at a party which had couples and their kids, and never made it a point to invite me. I was home alone the whole day and but other friends who knew kept asking him were I was.

      My husband has too many single friends and his married friends don’t spend much time with their wives. They’d rather go drinking all night. Whenever my husband does make a plan for us to go out somewhere a friend always calls asking him to go over and help him with something and he’s always too ashamed to tell them he wants to spend time with me. I hate feeling like I’m second best

      • Christa says:

        Your comment really hit home Tonia. I feel very unimportant to my husband. He took up tennis about a year ago after I had suggested we play together for bonding and exercise. Turned out I was terrible at it and he didn’t want to play with me. He began going to a club, and that has turned into his life. He plays at least 3 nights a week, usually from 5-9pm, leaving me rushing to get dinner on the table, and then alone with the kids. He then comes home and sits on his computer until almost 11, and then will watch maybe on TV show with me. He has done the same thing with golf recently as well, purposely not inviting me. I was allowed to go once, the subsequent weekend his friend asked if I had given up on golf already. I informed his friend that I hadn’t been invited infront of my husband, they both looked a bit awkward. He will answer the phone for his tennis buddies and friends and have long drawn out conversations, some seemingly dramatic and important, but never has anything to talk to me about. If I ask about whats happening in his new life, I’m being annoying and nosey..

        Everything I’ve tried to do to initiate fun back into our relationship has completely backfired, and its clear that he would rather just keep me around for housekeeping, childcare, and intimate needs.

  2. Excellent! This post goes right along with the one I wrote today, so I added a link to this in my post. I love your practical advice to really go out of your way to find what HE likes and not expect him to just be there to listen to you whine about the fact that he’s never there. Why *would* he want to be there? As important as outside friendships are, the friendship and intimacy in the marriage relationship are *essential* and deserve to be nourished.
    Thanks!

  3. I loved this post. My husband and I got married 16 months after we met, so we had the romantic connection but not so much the ‘friend’ connection. My older gave me the best advice a few years ago: “You have to make it more fun at home than wherever he’s out to. You have to stop nagging, and start making it worth it when he does come home.” I’ve followed this ever since, and I have a new best friend!

    • So true, Marian! And that doesn’t mean turning into doormat, either. There are lots of ways we can get our husbands on board to help at home. But nagging doesn’t work. Starting with a good foundation of friendship and goodwill goes a lot further!

  4. I agree with the approach, but wanted to add a caution about the specific hobbies you choose to pursue with your husband. It came to mind since the first example given was fishing.

    *Some* of those hobbies are going to be his space where he needs to be alone to process life or there are certain aspects of the whole thing (thinking the fishing trip) that are routine and comforting. Shy away from those kinds of hobbies unless invited, but by all means let him know you’re available.

    On the other hand, the idea of “taking up a new hobby, like tennis” is a very good one. Create new memories and benefit from the rush that comes with new experiences. A nice thing about services like Groupon, LivingSocial, etc, is that they go out of their way to feature new experiences – cooking classes, rock climbing, massage classes, etc. Subscribe to those services, pick something and go! Or, start a group. Find something to do. He might resist at first, so you might have to push past a little resistance, but you’re almost certainly going to find something to do together.

    • So true, Rob! Many men do need their “man cave” time, so you do need to discuss this with your guys. But I also know a lot of men who have actually enjoyed having their wives along for some of their things. The important thing is that you find a way to spend time together, and (this is the point I was trying to make), if that involves doing stuff that you wouldn’t normally do or even think that you wouldn’t like, do it anyway! He is more important.

      • what about if your husband don’t have any hobbies that he enjoys and you have tried all you know
        but it seems you are back to square one. now i’m thinking ok its his turn to do something, and nothing on his part is being done,i’m thinking my married is a one street.

        • Sometimes marriage does feel like a one-way street. Sometimes it just isn’t fair. But the thing is that if you wait for them to change, and if you say, “I’m not doing anything else nice until you step up to the plate”, you’re basically checking out of your marriage, and you’re resigning yourself to it being horrible. If you want your marriage to work, you need to keep doing the work–even if it’s not reciprocated. Talk to your husband about what he wants. Talk about what makes him happy. Talk about what he enjoys. And if he has checked out, certainly you need to make sure that you have friends and interests to keep you sane. But checking out of your marriage will not make it better. It may feel like you’re getting back at him, but so what? You’ve won the battle but lost the war. You’ve won this one, but you lose your marriage. If you want your marriage to improve, you have to work, regardless of what the other person does. That may not seem fair, but it’s just the way relationships work!

          • I’m sorry, but I totally disagree with you. When I first got together with my husband 3 years ago, I did everything for him. Doing the dishes, cleaning, picking him up and taking him to work, laundry, getting groceries, you name it I did it. I was in school and he was working so I felt that it was the least I could do since he worked all day and was supporting me, but he paid me back in full with so much love, appreciation, and attention so I did not mind. I even learned and got very accomplished in poker (his favorite past time) just to make him happy. But now, three years later, things have changed. I still do everything for him like I said above and even more despite the fact I now work a full time job just to try to get back what he used to give me, but he continues to reject my need for love and attention. He says I am clingy and he feels like a caged animal and he is going to do what he wants to do with or without me. I never was into the bar scene only went and played poker for him, but if I don’t give into him he throws a huge fit, and says very mean, hateful things, gets in my face, not to mention throw things, and in the end packing up and threatening to leave. I want to work this out, but every suggestion I make that we need to fix us, not go to the bar or see friends is met with the same argument that I shut him away from his friends and family. We had a very bad, painful fight yesterday that we both swore we wouldn’t bring up again, but I am finding it hard to brush it under the rug like I agreed to. I don’t know if I love him anymore, but feel very stuck, and find myself still fully giving and giving and giving until I am blue but not getting much by way of what I need (love and attention). So, back to what I was saying, I have tried to give and give hoping that eventually he will give me what I so long for, but so far nothing much to note. I have also tried to not give so much and that is met with the same attitude. I have no where else to turn, but again, I DO NOT agree that the wife should give and give and give while the husband sits back and decides its okay to take and take and take. I think marriage should be 50/50 not 90/10 and if you allow this behavior as I have, it will only continue, and in the end you will be resentful as I find that I am.

  5. i’ve tried all i know nothing seems to be working. we will go out do fun things at least i think we are having a good time but we back to being bored again.

    • Sometimes life settles into a pattern that can be boring. But why is it boring? Why not make sure that one night a week you head out together–go bowling, go swimming, play tennis, something. And then go for a walk every night after dinner just to get out of the house. Just make sure you’re doing things together. If you still find it boring, then perhaps the problem is that you’re expecting more out of life than is possible right now. Get to the root of your dissatisfaction, I guess is what I’d recommend.

      • I don’t think i know how to get him to open up to me maybe i am expecting to much from him being married for 12 years we should be a little closer by now. we have done the walks, making myself pretty we go out and its justs another night,communication is a problem.

  6. That’s great and all, but why does the wife have to do activities he likes…at what point does he say “I should spend sometime with my wife” either doing something we both like. It always seems to cater to the husband. When will marriage become closer to equal.

    • Thats how i felt. Thats what I was thinking, the wife, (especially us) have come on here thinking how do we make this work? Do we ever find them on here? thinking how can i make the house fun? if he finds the house boring, why dont they think up something too? why is it always us? sure i might be nagging what if his hobby at home is ‘sit on the laptop watching what i want’ he’d rather do nothing when he is home being lazy. When i say lets go out he only does it because i want to go he doesnt want to spend money complains we dont have enough but even when we dont have enough we could go for a drive etc. but he only does it because i say. not because he randomly feels like saying ‘hey hun lets do something together’ no, i make him go out with me, i tell him you should be home, its like forcing him and im sick of it. Ive finally stopped talking to him and i too am considering leaving because its not love when only one person is interested and i had no intention of being alone and married. I think a lot of the men described here are just plain selfish and many of you sound so giving that you’ve almost given too much. My husband leaves his crap on the bedroom floor everyday his clothes, he says he’ll pick it up, i feel thats so disrespectful ive even told him, i tidy our whole room and you come in two seconds and destroy it because for some reason he must feel im a servant or something. they make us feel like nagging because they don’t stop to think how we must feel, yet we have to read and research and change and invent ways to make them wanna be around us? No thanks, he had no problem being around me before, wanted to marry me, im still here, whats the difference? im not the ‘new thing’ anymore? I’m sick of it and the selfishness behind it all. very sad.

      • Great comment. I had to check the name to make sure it wasn’t my own post from a year or two ago! It sounds identical to my situation.

        I agree that we shouldn’t have to be a doormat in order to get them to hang out. It’s their responsibility to do stuff with us. Or they should at least compromise by coming to the park with us if we watch football and drink beer with them.

  7. I understand all of the comments made and I’ve tried them all, but when is the time when he starts trying? A marriage doesn’t work if one person is bending over backwards an the other is soaking it up. Even doing all the things you all have mentioned doesn’t do anything. Suggestions?

  8. we have only married for 3 months, but we been live together for over years. i know he loves me a lot, but i think he doesnt in love with me anymore… i dont know how should i handle this marrige.. and what does this marrige mean to me now..
    we dont have wedding, nor even parents get together to have a simple dinner after our families know each other, even though they all live in the same city. I told myself: this is fine, as long as i love him and he loves me, all those things don’t matter.
    for the last whole year(even before we get married), we only have sex maybe once a month. i am 30 years old, and he is 33.I am an attrative woman, but no matter i seduce him or he has morning boner, he just didnt want to have sex with me. even when we have sex, it was always a quick 5 mins thing. i told myself, it’s fine, sex is not the only thing in the relationship, two people can be together and love each other is the most important thing.
    we both are hard worker and spend lots of time for work, and i am totally financial indepandence as well. all i need to make myself to feel that i have a family and my husband loves me is for him to spend some time with me.
    i am a really reasonable woman, i really agree and ok with him to hang out with his friends, i offer him to invite his friends to our house for dinner or hang out ALL the time. I totally don’t mind spend my own money to buy food, cood and clean after they eat. and that is what i did for the pass few years. because i know my husband likes to hang out with his friends, and this is another way for me to able hang out with him.

    everyone has a bottom line, and i have told him many time what my bottom line is and what i want. i do need him to speed a little bit time with me when we both off. i don’t ask much, just be reasonable…. now it’s 10:35pm in a thursday night, and he needs to wake up in 4:30am tomorrow morning, but he still outside hanging out with friends.
    but if jsut he and i go out to eat/or whatever he called “a date”, we won’t spent more than
    45 mins for the whole thing, then leave. if he is home, he will go to bed at no longer than 9pm, “because he needs to wake up early next day”. today is the 4 days that he came home that late since Monday.
    for his job reason, i haven’t able really see him for over 10 days, and he finally off on Monday, so he said he needs to go out with friends and drink beer before i even get off from work, and he didnt come home till 11:30pm, i was totally fine with it. because i know he need to relax.
    Tuesday night, very lucky that we have a chance to get out for dinner, even though just a 30 mins dinner again, but i was very happy for the whole night. then at 9:30pm, he said he wanted to go out and drink beer with the same group of ppl that he just hang out yesterday. i asked him for a walk after we got home from dinner, he said he is tired. but 9:30pm, he said he want to go out with his friend!! i asked him very nice to stay with me,if he is not tired, i am willing to stay late with him watch movie or whatever. but he had to go. i felt very bad and cannot control myself start crying and explain to him how much i need him to just stay and we can spend some time togeteher after i barely see him for the last 10 days, but he just walked out the door and left myself crying in the house… … the min that he walked out the door, my heart was completed broken.
    he didn’t talk to him since monday night, he did text me tell me that he loves me and ask if i am doing ok couple times a day.
    i was telling myself everyday before i got off work, maybe today he will apologize and fix me a dinner at home when i got home. but all i got is stay home by myself again, till now 11pm, it’s myself with the whole house of dark again..
    what does this marriage still mean to me??

    • Have a look at Dr James Dobson’s book “Love Must be Tough” I hope it may help you!
      I really feel sad to hear your situation. God bless you and help you

  9. I feel this has happened to my marriage… about 3 months after we said I do. I’ve trudged through 16 years of boring… for 2 years I drove home every weekend from college to be with him… we got married and then he didn’t want to be with me any more… He wanted me to be that wife that stayed home and had a spotless house… I did ok with that until I had I had kids (which I raise alone because he is never here)… he feels strongly that they are my responsibility alone. I have vivid memories of our 10 year anniversary… I was 6 months pregnant with our oldest child… I had been wanting to get away and reconnect for a couple of days… made reservations and scouted things for us to do… when it comes time to go he says I can’t go, maybe next weekend… next weekend has never come… So I get on the phone and cancel all the reservations and go cook him his favorite meal. I turn on some music, hoping we could at least cuddle or dance or something to celebrate the moment… 10 years is a milestone, right? But, nope… he eats, gets up (at least he said it was good) goes to the recliner and turns on football. He doesn’t even help clean (which really was no surprise) He has told me that his responsibility to me is working and providing for us, which he does sufficiently. When I ask him to plan something with me he said he would rather not because something more interesting might come along… so now I just feel stuck. He tells me everyday that he loves me… but he never shows it other than in his provision for the family. He has told me that I should be thankful for my life, that it could be worse, he could be a husband who hits me I feel very neglected emotionally and since the children have come along even physically. I’m really not even sure I love him anymore… but leaving is difficult…He is a good man and is compassionate to others, just not me… it appears his only sin is neglecting his family. He works sun up to sundown 6 days a week and Sunday is spent @ church most of the day (although he says this is his day to be with his family) I really have no where to go, nor the money to go… I’ve never really “believed” divorce was an option, but I’m afraid my health has greatly suffered from my loneliness and all the things I have tried to do for us have not worked (yes, I supported him and went to watch him team rope even though I was very uncomfortable and it wasn’t something I could participate in… but then he quit that and now just works…) I’m tired and drained, and I really don’t know the next step… I know no one can make these decisions for me, but I guess it just helped a little to vent to someone that has no vested interest… maybe you can send up some prayers for wisdom and courage to act on that wisdom…

    • Hi Christy, I want to recommend a good book to you (I think it is also available as audio if you find it easier to listen to) it is called Love Must be Tough, by Dr James Dobson. Please read it and see if the ideas in it may help you. I hope the best for you. You sound like you are trying to be so understanding. I hope it truly may help you and your marriage. With love and prayers for you to know wisdom and act well. God bless you

  10. My husband and I have been married for 6 years together for 12. He’s a construction worker and works from spring till fall. So he’s home all winter. We have a 2 year old son. We’ve been fighting the past month about how much time he spends with his friends. This has been an on going battle since I became pregnant. Since he has been laid off Ive decided to return back to work full time. Once I return home from work he always feels like he has been locked up at home and needs to leave the house. When all I want is to spend time with him and our son or if I have a day off he needs to go hang out with his friends. It feels like when Im home he’s off duty. I thought parenting was a two way deal. Im really sick of fighting because he cant see why I want him home more often. I understand he wants to be with his buddies and I would love to spend time with my friends to but we have a family now and family comes first!!! My husband is very stubborn and does not like to talk about feelings. Please help!

  11. Hello, ladies. I have been following this blog for the last few weeks and it has been a great encouragement to me. Recently, I have been putting in a lot of effort to spend one on one time with my husband and it is such a battle. But before I go into that, I should give you a little back story:

    He is the financial provider for our family and works very hard. He is currently struggling with his past and things that he is not proud of in our marriage. He gets angry very easily and takes it out on me, even though we’ve both come to the conclusion it’s because he hasn’t forgiven himself for his sins and his infidelity. Nor has he confessed them to anyone other than me. My parents know about it, but only through me. My grandparents, uncle and my sister’s husband are all in the ministry, which makes coming clean very complicated. It feels like his infidelity and previous mistakes in our marriage are eating us both alive. It has been a little over a year since the incident and I found out almost immediately. We do not currently have a home church as we are finally settling after a few years of moving around and he works every Sunday. He knows how important Church is for us, especially with a 3 year old son, but can’t seem to stick to anything he says or promises for us. I know it must be very difficult for him to deal with these things and I know he wants to be better, but I don’t see the effort to actually change anything. He agrees that he could be better and apologizes when he’s hurt me, but nothing changes.

    So, these past couple weeks I’ve really been trying to do special things together — mini golf, board games, movies, etc. He never says, “no” but when I bring these things up he says “maybe later” or “tomorrow”. Then in the bedroom (we’ve been struggling for the last 3 years) it’s like pulling teeth to get things going. He is perfectly capable of performing, but never has the need or desire to do so. I have been rejected 9 times out of 10 the last 3 years and he hasn’t initiated since last year when the infidelity came to light. Last night, I suggested that we shower together and he complained the entire time. I couldn’t touch him and he was annoyed that it was too cramped. He doesn’t understand that all I’m desperately trying to do at this point is be “close” to him. I need him in more ways than one. He loves watching TV with me, but is annoyed when I try to talk to him during (even if we pause the show or movie). I’ve left out a lot, but is there anything I’m missing? I have been praying about our marriage and my attitude has changed immensely. I’m not so bitter or resentful anymore, but his rejection continues to break my heart and it reminds me of his betrayal over and over…

    What can I do for him? I pour my heart out at least a couple times a week. I just feel like we’re going around and around and we can’t grow from this. He comes home and apologizes and tells me he loves me and then not even 3 hours later he’s broken my heart again. :-(

    Sorry for the messy comment. My mind is all over the place. I appreciate your help!

  12. My husband play online games and drink. I ask him not to drink around our daughter, or at least limit it. He just gets mad. He doesn’t spend time with us. It’s not like he’s busy with work. I work full time and takes care of our 8 months old daughter. He works part time and when he takes care of our daughter because I have work he just gets mad and when I get home, he just give our daughter right away to me then goes straight to his computer and play games then get his face drunk.
    I would suggest something like hey let’s watch a movie. Then he goes and say that’s expensive. So you spend money on beer, on cigarettes, on computer games and you think watching a movie is expensive?
    He spend the whole night playing his games then after he watches shows in the living room and falls asleep there. So he basically never sleeps with me. He then will be sleeping till 3 pm or sometimes till 5 pm if I don’t work. Then when he’s awake he goes straight to his computer.
    That’s our life together. I would tell him, you don’t spend Time with us. Then he goes and says if you’re not happy then you know what to do “divorce”.

  13. My husband works 60 hours a week. Golfs 7 hours a week a more. Not enough. I’m always alone. His golf is guys golf leagues. He always has something…. I am very sad and every time I try to talk to him… He goes ballistic. He spends 4 hours a week with me… I’m going nuts.

  14. My husband does the same

  15. My husband has been locked up for six years for a stupid mistake that he made a few years back, but every since he has been home I only see him when its time to go to sleep, i admit at first I was really controlling and nagged 23 hours a day, but he ended up moving out for a month, now he’s back home, but leaves out at 11am and comes back in at 12am, i dont kno how to tell him he needs to spend more time with his family without it seem like im nagging, i kno its healthy to have his guy time but what about me!!!!

  16. How do I get my husband to spend time with me? I know he isn’t cheating and he says im a good wife and I make him happy. So why is it when I say hey can we have some us time next weekend he says yes,then he makes plans to do other things for other people. I feel like im always last. I don’t feel like I should have to beg for him to make time for me. I also hate feeling like the nagging wife lol. It’s just so frustrating I make him breakfast when he is hungry I make his lunches I cook his dinner and wash his clothes … I don’t count us time as grocery shopping or working on cars. I even recently started playing his ps3 games with him tho I’m really bad at it and die a lot lol. I can understand he works 40+ hours a week and I do thank him for working so hard to provide for me and take care of me. He is always worried about having enough money and I always tell him I would rather have time with him not money. I try to talk to him not at him about how I feel and he never wants to talk or says he has to think about what to say and then he never gets back to me. I get so jealous of everyone else he makes time for I guess cause I don’t get his time and I do a lot for him. It makes me feel like why should I do everything for him when he won’t tell everyone no once in a while and actually spend time with me. He also never sticks up for me when I feel like he should be. I just want to know if there is a different approach I can take other than getting upset cause im really tired of saying the same thing.

  17. sarah thomas says:

    Hi me and my husband have bn together for 7 years married 3 years he just commuincate with me on his phone 24/7 or rather be with his mates its gettin me down and messages girls sayin lookin good in the pic when he got a wife what do i do how do u know if he loves me or not

  18. Interesting how the “hurrah” comments stopped by the red headed lady when people pointed out that it’s not only a wife’s job to “make herself interesting” to the husband. What a bunch of crap! The man is equally in charge of this.

  19. Marriage is a joint effort, it’s as much the husbands job to make the wife happy as is it the wife’s job to make the husband happy!!!

    • I agree, Sherri, but this blog is for women, and it doesn’t do much good concentrating on what your husband should be doing when the only person you can change is yourself. I have more on that here.

  20. I like this but I wonder how long I can go on trying without any reciprocation from him. I suggest things to do & he never wants to go or do any of them. It winds up that I go by myself. But he has no problem going 3-4 nights a week to his guy friends/moms. And the few days he is home is spent sleeping from the time he gets off work (4:30 pm). He gets up an hour & a half after I do, doesn’t get our daughter ready or to school, & the list goes on.

  21. I am really saddened by this. It makes it seem like the women need to control the fun?! What ever happened to the adventure of being chased and being sought after? I say – the men need to plan more things with their wife regardless of the exciting women they met have become more laid back to try and meet the “wife expectations” of tradition. So frustrating.

  22. Interesting comments I must say but it is easier said than done. I am getting married in a few months and the guy in question is always occupied ;in the course of this, we spend little or no time together. This scares me alot because the only question I keep asking myself is ‘is this what I am bound to experience for a lifetime’? I do love him and he loves me too, this I can attest to but I can’t say If I can stand being left alone.

    • Hi Dolly, I’m sorry you’re so lonely! I will say, though, that in general, AFTER the wedding people spend less time together in many ways, because the “dating” phase is over and they now don’t have to woo each other. If he doesn’t want to spend time with you now, I’m not sure it’s going to better. Most likely it will get worse. So you really need to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Sorry to be so negative, but it’s really better to think these things through beforehand!

  23. My husband and I have been together for 29 years; in those years he has never bought me any type of gift for any special occassion; have only gone on 3 vacations together. I supported him for 3 years (wasn’t working-refused to find a job), so i worked 2 jobs while he hung out with friends, but i was in love then and naive. To this day when we argue he tells i don’t work ( I quite one job long ago; and i do work full time and have been with company for 27 years). and he tells me he works harder than me, labor work, ok labor is hard work). He goes out and buys birthday gifts for his buddies at work, helps them around their yard when needed and plays poker, goes out drinking with them, fishing etc. We make plans in advance and he breaks them that day (beach, dinner etc) has a excuse for everything; i’ve asked for a divorce on several occasions and he said no (that’s because he can’t do anything for himself; never paid a bill, never made lunch for himself, etc). He knows i stay home because i have no friends, no relatives but tells me to go out and do something – what do you women do when you have no-one to do something with or talk to?

  24. Ugh reading some of these comments makes me cringe. I just don’t think it’s the women’s job to find “activities” that your both interested in. For example my marriage: he has a son I have two sons from precious marriages…we have a son together and a daughter on the way.. We BOTH work full time.. I work 12 hour shifts so you can imagine the amount of “me” time I get. My husband has changed sometimes… He goes months doing what he is “supposed” to do… Such as coming home lol. Then he goes through his periods where he tells me he feels trapped I will be left alone all weekend with not only my kids but his son also whom he only sees every other weekend. He goes to the bar with his friends and gets wasted… He doesn’t cheat to my knowledge k do believe that..usually he sleeps at his mothers… During hunting season he isn’t here… But oh wait there is also fishing season .. I have begged him to take me which he won’t take me hunting but we fish sometimes if we can find a babysitter and at times I will go out with him… But he always says I “kill his buzz” like seriously I don’t see me lasting in this marriage much longer. I try so hard to be understanding he needs alone time BC our lives are stressful… But then again I just put my own happiness on the back burner for his
    … When is enough enough.. Will he ever change? Is little spells usually stop when I do something drastic like pack me and the kids up and leave… Then he is good for a few months then it starts all over again… I don’t even complain anymore.. I feel like I’m a shell of a person constantly worrying what’s going to happen next. Yes advice wanted. Thanks

  25. My partner of 22 years recently took up tennis! He’s obsessed playing it 6 nights a week some weeks. It’s causing a real rift in our relationship. I am an air stewardess from the UK and spend a lot of time away but he says I am suffocating him! He says he fell in love with a care free independent woman. Yes I get upset with him about tennis because I feel he thinks more of tennis and his friends at the club than he does about me ! I try talking to him and we end up screaming at each other ! really don’t know what to do anymore, he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong.

  26. Hi so I am here in bed with my 10 month old baby and 6 year old son crying like a baby myself earlier today my husband said I’m going out to a bar watch a game with the guys and be home by 10:30 so I said ok cool turns out he came home with his friends at 10:30 went to the bathroom brushes his teeth and left again didn’t want to tell me where he was going it instantly broke my heart into pieces! We have been together for 9 years and married for almost 6 years in 2 months I have argued with him from day 1 he goes out with his friends too much he would rather be with them any time of the day says living with me is already enough that he needs guy time that I should be content that he comes home which that is 4 am 5 am from the club or bars he goes to and a few days ago we got into a stupid argument that we were really debating on a divorce and then he started saying how I’m supposedly the one that’s not happy so he would base the divorce on my unhappiness and that he’s tired of me telling him things about his friends I have 0 friends I have nobody to talk to except my son who’s 6 lol so it makes it harder because he’s practically the only person I call or text he goes to places with them but if I say lets do that he will say no and we won’t we go months without going on a date I try and try to do fun stuff with him but I always get rejected he will only do with his friends he says I love u everyday but I think he’s just used to it doesn’t really mean it and honestly at this point don’t know what I’m feeling I want a divorce but I don’t want that for my children

    • Hi Lucy,

      I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. So sorry. I can’t tell you what to do because I don’t know enough facts, but I would say that you really need someone else to talk to. Can you look to see if there are any MOPS groups that meet at churches in your area? You can look it up at MOPS.org. They’re a great group of mothers of preschoolers that meets, and they have mentor moms that can talk to you.

      I’d also suggest that right now you’re in a serious rut. You’re upset every time he’s home, which makes him not want to be home. Can you sit him down when you’re not upset and say that you’d like to do something with him that he’d like to do–watch a movie, go for a bike ride, anything. Not a “date”, but just doing something together where you can still involve the kids.

      But the main thing would be for you to get a support system around you that could help you handle this better. So please look up MOPS!

  27. Hi Lucy,

    Join a class at the gym like yoga or Zumba and tell your husband on that night of the week you need him to look after your children so you can attend a class. Just that one small step will help you meet friends and show your husband that you are not tied to the kitchen sink. You will feel better because your doing something for yourself. My partner thinks more of tennis and his new found friends at the club than he does of me. We don’t have children so my circumstances are different from you but I feel the best action is to keep myself busy and show him I’m not bothered. Look up some local classes on the web theres so much out there …. He will soon get bored of getting drunk with his mates all the time! I wonder what their wives are doing maybe you should try and get together with them! Don’t cry any more tears put your energy into something worthwhile for yourself and your children. When you don’t have time to be the doting housewife he will soon change his ways. Stay positive and take one small step you can do it. So many women been in your situation and come through the other side. Xxxx

  28. Hi Lucy, I’m sitting and looking at what you posted recently and it seems Sheila don’t pay attention to anything like the men in our life! If she was paying attention she would of noticed you mentioned wanting to do things your husband likes with him. I’m sorry but this blog shouldn’t just be for us women. We’re being suggested things to do and not one male is bothering to offer any male insight on why they act the way they do. My hubby is the same damn way. Currently I feel resentful and have been for awhile. It’s just reading this & others post is making me wonder also. We been together for a couple years, I try, suggest and even offered to do things my man likes but it’s always hesitation or excuse. Yet he finds time to spend with family and friends. I’m so emotionally checked out that as off this week I have no longer suggested things to do and don’t want to anymore. I’m tired of trying, it makes me feel like a nag plus he retreats when I lash out even if I ask nicely… Enough is enough eventually he won’t be satisfied until I leave him where he’s at without saying a word. So tired.
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  29. I don’t understand why everything is always the women’s job to keep these men happy. How about they plan some dates and takes us out etc. ? I feel I have to do all the work in the ralationship and have all the worry and he gets to be catered to etc. I don’t even wanna marry my man anymore because it seem like a constant chore to make him happy and make sure he doesn’t notice the chick next door. I miss being single sometimes.

    • I hear ya. I tire of all the advice being what ‘we’ can do, as if the husband has no responsibilities. That IS the problem. If they were as willing to take responsibility as we are supposed to be, there would likely be less problems in the first place.

  30. Katelyn says:

    Ok so what I’m gathering from this is to make it all about him and it should make him want to stay home. Also don’t nag because it’ll drive him away. However this post really doesn’t help my situation. I make everything about him and our 2 daughters. I don’t complain about him being gone nearly 24/7 either. My husband is a volunteer fireman and works for an ambulance service, therefore I expected to have alone time. What I didn’t expect was to have this much of it. When he’s not at work he’s gone to the fire department, gym, his father’s, best friend, constantly on his phone or outside working on something. I might in an entire week get to spend about a grand total of 3 hours (if that much) of undivided attention with him. On the weekends when my parents come get the girls and it’s just me I still have to compete with everything. I don’t understand if I’m doing something wrong and if I am than what is it. There are plenty of times where he just takes off and I don’t know where he is. When he decides to return its occasionally to get me for something so I have to rush to get myself and the girls ready. Which can take about an hour and considering they are 2 years old and 4 months old that’s pretty good time I believe, but then he complains that I took to long. The only thing about me that’s changed is that I am now a stay at home mother of two at the age of 23 and a very supportive wife. If he wants to tool leather then leave it for painting, then forging, and back to leather. I support him and he has done this. I have even paid to put him back through school (when I was working) just for him to drop back out and then go back for something different. I seriously feel like I’m just here at his convenience. I love hanging out with his friends but I normally get left out. I love fishing and so does he however he has never taken me. He taught me how to operate a 4-wheeler and rarely wants to go riding with me. I want to learn how to shoot a bow so I can go hunting with him and yet he refuses to teach me. His brother has offered to do more stuff with me than my own husband. I talk to him about this stuff because he knows how to handle his brother. I have very few friends but they all live far away and don’t want to come visit. Trying to talk or see them is more difficult than getting an interview with the president. All that I have to really talk to is his family and friends and I really don’t want to talk to my family about it because they will tell me to divorce him again. It looks like I’m in a lose-lose situation. Am I being too supportive and understanding and he has just taken it all for granted?

  31. Thank-you for this! This is the answer that I’ve been searching for for 3.5 years. Thank goodness I found it now while our relationship is still young. My partner working late has caused such a massive problem and things are so tense all the time. It seems like the thought of just coming home to see me or have dinner together isn’t good enough. I forget that 90% of things that he does must be driven by goals so giving him a different goal each day to come home for might be the ticket. Yay.

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Trackbacks

  1. […] if, in the middle of that, you also go for walks, or do a puzzle, or play tennis, or go for a swim, or toss a football […]

  2. […] of Stuff Gives you More Hours in the Day 8. Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release? 9. Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me 10. Wifey Wednesday: 4 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make […]

  3. […] be able to figure things out better so that he can talk to you later. I wrote a while ago on how we should find things to do with our husbands, even if that means participating in some of our husbands’ hobbies, and I thoroughly agree […]

  4. […] work on your friendship. Make sure there is goodwill between you, that you can laugh together, that you can do things together. The more you laugh, the more you’re able to talk, and you can share with him how you feel. […]

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