Marriage VLog: Should You Change to Make Your Marriage Better?

I’m trying to record more little video marriage tips, and here’s today’s! See what you think. And ignore the hair. It was a bad hair day.

My question today: if you change to make your marriage better, are you still being true to yourself?


  1. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Changing doesn’t mean you aren’t being true to yourself. What does that mean anyways? I think it means not denying your feelings, or being dishonest about how you feel. If hubby asks, “what’s wrong?” saying “nothing” when your heart is breaking is not being true to yourself. Striving to correct faults and insecurities is merely a part of the process of maturation.

  2. Lorrie McD. says:

    Great Vlog! So true, Sheila (and Rachel)! There is always room for improvement. Best to start with ourselves and that will positively impact your husband and children.

  3. Maybe being true to ourselves isn’t always a good thing. If my true self is selfish, prideful and unloving, I definitely shouldn’t be “true to myself”. God uses marriage to reveal our sinful tendencies so that we can be more conformed to Christ’s image.

    What you said about being hurt when your husband doesn’t communicate the way you want was just what I needed to hear today! There isn’t something wrong with my husband because he doesn’t communicate the way I do, and I shouldn’t force him to change. Maybe I’m the one who needs to learn to accept the way my husband communicates rather than trying to change him.

    • Well said, Mrs. P! I think we both need to learn how to communicate better, but waiting for him to get the message never helps. If we take the first step, we clear the air and make the marriage so much better already. I do find that marriage reveals a lot about my weaknesses, too! It can be quite humbling.

  4. I really enjoyed this Sheila. Thank you for sharing it and reminding Christian women what it mean to die to elf and love our husbands and families.

  5. I meant, “what it means to die to self…”

    Die to elf, LOL.

  6. If we are willing to change for our own happiness, then why aren’t we willing to change for our husband’s happiness? There are literally thousands of self-help books out there promising us that we can change ourselves to have the better body/life/kids/etc that we want. I think we are constantly seeking to change and become better, so we should be willing to say, “Yes, I want to change myself so that my marriage is better.”

    However, I also think we need to take an honest look at what change is required in a marriage. I watched my mom for years struggle to become the woman that my dad wanted her to be. That simply wasn’t who she was. She was willing to change, but he wasn’t willing to love her for herself. So yes, we can change ourselves to help our marriages. But marriage is a dance of two people, and if he isn’t also willing to change, then the changes that the wife makes may not make a difference.

  7. But… If I’m the inly one in my marriage that takes initiative to “fix” the marriage while he sits in front of the TV and makes no effort then what else am I suppose to do?? He needs to make an effort to find out the problem and help me fix it. Why should I ask myself how I can change? I’m the only one putting forth any effort.

    • Part of changing may be putting in less of an effort in some ways and letting him bear the consequences. It isn’t being mean–it’s just setting boundaries around what you’re doing. A great book for that is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Sometimes change isn’t doing MORE–sometimes it’s simply changing the way you do things, and changing the dynamic in your marriage so that you garner more respect.

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  1. […] Breathing Grace tipped me off about this great video blog by Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.  Sheila has commented on this site from time to […]

  2. […] crisis in North America from a secular point of view, profiled me this weekend, referring to my latest marriage Vlog. Take a gander at what he had to say (and the comments are interesting, too). I may write further […]

  3. […] her to two posts on Sheila’s blog that tackle her dilemma from both sides. The first was “Should You Change to Make Your Marriage Better?” The second was How to Keep Your Self-Respect.  No, it’s not the same as a supportive church […]

  4. […] resources that may help you with this: Thoughts on the nature of change in marriage, from To Love, Honor and Vacuum My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, with lots on this very […]

  5. […] you want him to be! As you start praying for him this way, God often changes our hearts. And then we can focus on changing ourselves. And remember, he’s a guy! And there’s nothing wrong with that.I’m scheduling this […]

  6. […] because if I were to do so I wouldn’t be being true to myself. So you want him to change, but you shouldn’t have to. What kind of a marriage is […]

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