Wifey Wednesday: 4 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love

4 Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Want SexWorried that your husband doesn’t want sex? Every Wednesday on this blog we talk marriage, and today I thought I’d tackle a topic that is often not discussed very much: What do you do when it’s the GUY who doesn’t want to make love?

Before the rest of you women say something like, “I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes!”, think about how awful that must be. We’re told that men always want sex, and then we marry someone who doesn’t want to make love. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not attractive? Does he not love me? It’s really difficult. So let’s look at the four main culprits to a low male libido:

1. Physical Problems Can Make a Husband Not Want Sex

If he will, get him to talk to the doctor. Some medications can lower his sex drive. He could also have low testosterone. In other cases, their sex drive is lower because the husband has had impotence issues and he’s afraid to try again. Impotence, though, can be a signal that there is a circulatory problem, and often is a sign that heart disease, diabetes, or kidney disease may be starting. So a doctor’s visit is definitely in order!

In most cases of younger men with decreased libido, though, it’s not a physical issue. It’s more likely an emotional/psychological one. Let’s start with these issues.

2. Stress/Emotional Problems Can Lower a Guy’s Sex Drive

In this economy, many men don’t feel like men anymore because they can’t provide for their families well. If this is the case, go out of your way to show your husband you do appreciate him and you do look up to him. But whatever you do, don’t baby him. If he’s feeling emasculated already, he doesn’t want you trying to make it better or fix it for him. Show him you think he’s capable. Be a listening ear, but don’t be his nurse.

In a similar way, we can undermine our husbands with the way we talk without realizing it. I know many good, Christian women who belittle their husbands in public quite a bit without apparently cluing in to what they’re doing. When you open up your mouth to say something about your husband to others, make sure it’s laudatory. Praise him in some way. If he’s telling a story and he’s getting it wrong, don’t correct him all the time. Let it go. And when you’re alone, make sure that you express gratitude as much as you express criticism. Even more. I have known men who have withdrawn sexually simply because they had ceased to feel like men in the relationship. The woman had taken over everything.

3. Lack of Friendship Can Quench Desire

Often when there is a problem in the marriage it shows up in the bedroom. But because the SYMPTOM is in the bedroom, we often think the SOLUTION is too. So we concentrate on solutions that have to do with sex–buying lingerie, playing risque games, getting toys, trying new things.

In reality, often the solution is found outside the bedroom. Sex embodies our spiritual, emotional, and relational selves. What I often suggest to women whose husband have a low sex drive that isn’t due to a physical problem or stress is that you work on your friendship. Spend more time together. Take a walk after dinner. Find a hobby you can enjoy together. Do something that he likes, even if you don’t (like watch hockey games) simply so you can be together.

Often couples get into a rut where they spend their lives doing errands and watching TV. That isn’t going to help your relationship. If you want to spice things up, don’t look at the bedroom. Look at the gym. Or the ice rink. Or the restaurant. Do stuff together. Cultivate a real relationship. Start talking again.

Often this helps you feel connected, and then, even if the sex doesn’t always follow, at least you feel more kindly towards each other.

4. Pornography Use Can Obliterate a Man’s Desire for His Wife

The main culprit of a low male sex drive, though, of course, is pornography. The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life. Porn trains the brain to be aroused by an image, and not a relationship, and is extremely destructive. Porn is not harmless; the effects of porn are really far-reaching. If your husband is into pornography, get help! Talk to a pastor. Talk to a mentor. It’s not okay to be a porn addict. It’s not harmless. It just isn’t.

Pornography and masturbation go hand in hand. If he is using porn, he’s also masturbating and thus getting rid of his sexual tension in another way. He’s also less likely to be able to get in the mood with a real, live person, like you. So if this is the issue, it must be addressed. I’ve written before on this topic, on how to recover from a pornography addiction. I think it will help. And I have lots more links to other posts on the subject here.

5. Maybe There is No Reason for His Low Sex Drive

Finally, for some men, there simply won’t be a reason that he doesn’t want to make love. You have a higher sex drive than he does. Maybe it’s even as if your husband has no sex drive and never wants to have sex! Think about it this way: in any given population, some men will be really short, and some really tall. Some will have really big hands, and some really small ones. We vary, and some people are on the extremes. By definition, 5% of men will have abnormally low sex drives without any apparent problem or cause. It’s just the way they are.

What do you do? Accept him, and more than ever, work on your friendship. Make sure there is goodwill between you, that you can laugh together, that you can do things together. The more you laugh, the more you’re able to talk, and you can share with him how you feel. Just because he has a low sex drive, for instance, doesn’t mean that he can’t make love. He can! And he can even increase his sex drive by making love more frequently (the use it or lose it phenomenon), and even by exercising and building muscle, which builds testosterone levels, too. If he lays off the beer, that can also help, because beer has a chemical that acts in the body in a similar way to estrogen.

But more than anything, you’ll just have to learn that this is the man you married. Get your peace in God, work in your friendship so you don’t feel emotionally rejected, and learn to love him anyway.

Good Girls Guide My SiteMore Posts For Wives Whose Husbands Don’t Want Sex:

Communicating Your Needs when your husband doesn’t want sex

What to do when your husband withholds sex altogether.

In my book, The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I have a large section on what happens when the wife has a higher libido than the husband!

Christian Marriage Advice--When Your Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love

Join me every Wednesday when this Christian marriage blog talks about marriage, sex, and relationships!


  1. I totally agree with you that pornography is the main culprit. It is terribly destructive that is why we MUST warn our sons about it when they are young.

    • Lori,

      I disagree with your post. In some cases, pornography can negativelyimpact a relationship. In my case, I married a woman with a low sex drive. Prior to our marriage she struggled with this issue; she often told me that it would change. It changed for the worse! Pornography is the only sexual outlet I have without physically cheating on her. The person you marry will never change. If a spouse tells you different, he/she is simply not accepting the truth.It is not fair for neither individual. My advice, marry a person with the same sex drive as you!


      • Jed, I understand how difficult it is to be married to someone who withholds sex. However, to say “I have no choice but to sin” is not valid. There is ALWAYS a choice, even if it’s a difficult one. You can choose to do the right thing, and in doing so God will help you grow your character and your love. No, it’s not fair that she withholds. But to say, “without porn I would have to cheat” isn’t right either. Many people live a celibate life, and not be choice. But they do it. It is possible. And 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that there is no temptation that we can face where God also doesn’t offer a way of escape. I pray that you’ll find the grace and strength to do the right thing, and to help your wife get counseling for whatever is at the root for her problem.

        • I agree with Sheila – PORN IS NOT THE ANSWER. I’ve been battling with porn addiction for such a long time and am seeing how much it affects my wife’s desire to want to be with me. I’ve lost her trust and in addition, her interest in being close. My feeling is that maybe the wife’s lack of interest or drive in the bedroom is because she doesn’t feel she can live up to the unrealistic expectations pornography places on her. I have hope that things will get better for my relationship and hope for you too Jed.

        • I couldn’t see a way to post a comment….My situation is this. I have been married for 13 years. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship. I can honestly say that I am happy most times and have very little to complain about my husband. He is a godly man who loves the Lord with all his heart and a wonderful father to our children. The one issue that keeps coming up is sex. He is 17 years my senior and since our wedding, his desire has been lacking. He says his libido has always run on the lower side, which I have accepted, however, it has been very hard to only recieve when he felt like it. I am the only one who initiates and 99% of the time, I am turned down. We were in somewhat of a pattern of Saturday night being our night for sex. He refuses to have sex any other day. Unless, we were tired, he didn’t feel like it, his stomach wasn’t feeling well, etc. Sometimes we go for a month or month and a half before we come together for sex. I am a very high touch person and need touch. I touch him all the time. He only touches me if I have another talk with him about my need for touch. That lasts for a few days and then he stops agian. The few times he has been more interested in sex is in the morning. Usually on a Saturday or Sunday and our kids are awake in the living room. Not bad, if we were doing it more often, and we had a quicky. I cannot orgasm knowing my kids could knock on the door or hear us. But, if I have sex with him at that point, it will be a week or more before I can have the sexual encounter I would like to have to reach orgasm. Even though I tell him that I would like to “finish” this later, he never follows through. When we do have sex, either at night or if the kids are out, it is really great. He is unselfish and makes sure I am taken care of before he finishes. I tell him all the time how much I enjoy our time together. I have always told him that I would love to have sex a little bit more often and would also appreciate it if he could initiate some times. He just says that that’s not him…..so I am left to take what he will give me. This past weekend, on Saturday, we had a nice day, we were flirting with one another throughout the day and I was looking forward to our evening time alone. After we put the kids to bed, I raced over to him and said, ok, lets go!! He looked up at me and rejected me again…..I was so hurt, again. The rest of the night, he didn’t talk to me. We usually pray together before we go to sleep and he didn’t even do that. The next morning he woke me up and told me he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. He left our bedroom door open and I don’t know if our daughter heard any of our conversation. She came in to give me a hug and say good morning and he used the distraction to jump out of bed and leave. He didn’t speak to me all day. He had to leave for work that afternoon and did say goodby and kissed me on the cheek……..something he knows I hate! In the brief conversation we had, he said that he doesn’t like women telling him what to do. He said he enjoys sex with me but can’t get past the resentment he has for this Saturday night routine we have. He doesn’t like that sex it expected on Saturday or at all. I asked him if it was because of the weight I put on recently, (I was on a few rounds of steroids and another medication that made me gain 28 lbs. I have lost 5 so far and am continuing to work until I am back to my previous weight.) he said no. I asked him if he still wants to share a bed with me and he said yes. So, now he is gone for work and may not be home for a day or two. He didn’t call me yesterday and I don’t think he’ll be calling me today. I have prayed about this issue our entire married life and it has been the one area we fight about. Now he is withholding. I have never told him what to do in regards to sex, so that statement really doesn’t make sense to me. If I am expecting sex on Saturday night, it’s because he refuses to have it any other time, and Saturday happened to be the day he would do it. I guess that’s how that routine got started. So, if I cannot expect to have sex with my husband, what am I supposed to do?

          • Hi Dawn,

            I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this. I can just imagine how heartbroken you are. It is awful.

            A few very quick thoughts: Figure out what the cause of his low libido is. It is not normal for men to not want sex at all. So is it low testosterone? That’s easily fixed. Is it porn use (past or present)? That’s trickier, but absolutely MUST be dealt with. Is it unresolved psychological issues, like trauma? Is it stress? It doesn’t sound like stress if it’s been going on your entire marriage.

            But withholding sex is wrong, and he is doing something that is sinful. He is also endangering his own spiritual condition because he’s fleeing from intimacy, which isn’t healthy. Usually that means there’s also a block between him and God, too. So I would talk to a pastor or a counselor, and insist that he goes with you. I have a post more on that here. But you do not have to accept this, any more than we would accept any sin. So do something about it, and show him that this is not something that you will stand for. You want real intimacy, and he needs that, too.

          • He refuses to get his Testosterone level checked. He works in the medical field and firmly believes that using a testosterone supliment is far more dangerous than it is helpful. He is not into porn at all and never has been. He was married for 15 years before he met me and his ex complained all the time about how little he wanted it. She made him get tested and his levels were fine. She started having affairs within the first year of marriage. He grew up in a home that taught sex was shameful. He recalls one time when he was 9 or 10 looking out the window and a girl rode her bike down the street. He noticed out loud that her slip was showing and his mother got on him pretty hard for that. He admits that it’s not the act that he shys away from but the getting started part. He says that there is something that holds him back. He used to tell me that he was glad that I would initiate for that reason. I too come with baggage. I was molested as a child, raped as a teenager and in a short abusive marriage before we met. I understand the hesitation of getting started, I feel that too at times, but it has gotten better for me over the years because our love has grown and I would continue to feel more comfortable being vulnerable with him. He is going to be 56 this year. He told me that his orgasms are no where near as powerful as they used to be and that he is jealous of how powerful mine are. We laugh about it, but we also did some reasearch to see if there was anything we could do to help that. That was part of all our flirting on Saturday, so to have it all stop abruptly, just boggles my mind.

          • Hi Dawn,

            If you were having a good time and a good conversation, and then he abruptly turned off and refuses to talk about it, it likely sounds like you hit a nerve–you hit something in his psyche that he’s trying to run from or cover up. So it sounds like he really needs to talk to a counselor, if he has shame issues and sexual issues from his past.

            I’d phrase it like this: “You aren’t living life to its fullest. You are missing out on what God has for you. You are depriving me, but perhaps even more importantly, you are depriving yourself. Don’t put up with this. Don’t settle, when you were made for more. Let’s talk to someone and work this through, because running from it or turning it off isn’t helping; it feels more comfortable because there’s something scary you don’t want to face, but in the end, the only way to the other side is to go through the stuff now. You’ve lost one marriage over this, and you’re ruining another. I know that’s not what you want. So let’s deal with this–together.”

            And I’d say it very firmly, and maybe even in the presence of a third party, like a pastor or mentor, too. I hope that helps!

          • My husband came home yesterday and asked to talk with me….I admit, I was nervous. This was so far out for us and it scared me. He explained to me that even tho he said he didn’t want to have sex anymore, that’s not what he meant. He explained to me his version of what happened Saturday night. He said that it started with our daughter going to get him while he was in the middle of something important in the garage and asking him to make her something to eat. She never asked me and i didn’t realize that she did that. He said that when he came in, he seen that I was on the computer. Instead of asking me to help her out, he kept quiet and let resentment build. There were a couple other things similar to that that happened and he chose not to speak up. So, that is why it seemed so out of the blue to me. He spent a lot of time in prayer and seeking God for how to help heal this situation. He said that while he had to do so much driving for work, he was scanning the radio and heard multiple programs emphasizing the importance of touch to a woman in marriage. How it is as crucial as breath is for life. He said that he always knew in his head that it was important, but this time, the Lord made it real in his heart. He came from a home where no one touched and touching was actually frowned upon. So, it has always been a struggle for him. He appologized to me and of course I forgave him. It makes my heart happy that he chooses to go to the Lord for direction during these trying times.

            Sheila, I appreciate your advise, but I do want to set the record straight on something. My husband was not the reason his first wife strayed. In the beginning of their marriage, he agreed to be with her anytime she wanted. They were eachothers first sexual partners….She was so brutal with him during those times. Critisizing most of what he did and was not willing to work on the marriage. My poor husband believed he wasn’t going to be able to please me because of how hard she was on him. Like I said in a previous post, she chose to have multiple affairs starting the first year of marriage. She forced him to leave his postition as a pastor. Something he regrets deeply. He had to choose….her or the ministry…..at the time being so young, he thought that his wife should come first and unfortunately an older pastor told him that if that’s what she wants, then he should do it. He learned years later as his walk with the Lord grew that God has to come first in your life, not your spouse. When he learned of yet another afair, this time with the married pastor of their church, as he cried out to God looking for help, he finally heard that voice in his Spirit saying it was time to move on.

            Hope you have a wonderful day!!

          • Mona Lisa says:

            One of the things I see that is not addressed by many Christian councilors is the man’s responsibility in his lack of sexual drive (note: both male and female withhold sex or lack sexual drive). Many a times when a woman bring the problem to the forefront the response is pray about it, bring it to the Lord in prayer, or “why don’t you try to figure out what is his problem”. Now what does a woman do when the male refuses to address his problem, acknowledge his problem, acknowledges his problem but refuses do anything about it, acknowledges his problem and give excuses about why but continually do nothing to improve it, years have now passed and the good wife ( or good husband) stop caring a rat’s *** about the relationship as they are too frustrated and by now are having serious thoughts about just having someone hold them giving them the reassurance that they are deserving of being loved, being touched, they are worthy of being touched, they are desirous, beautiful, sexual beings. Bringing this to the Lord in prayer only works for so many years good folks, the human mind can compensate for the lack of touch for only a certain amount of time; it is a known fact that babies generally do not survive if not touched (see historical documentations). The real reason most people are on these blogs are not to get the message take it to the Lord in prayer…but have real life answers. Do I have the answers: NO! I am struggling to remain godly and continuously trying to remember that my loving wonderful husband (with his lack of sexual desire, many excuses, and lack of desire to hug, cuddle, etc) is a very honorable man who would not betray me and therefore neither must I betray him even as my body and mind is screaming for release or just a damn hug (this is the real world not the response I got my elders at church).

          • Mona Lisa, I truly feel for you and understand. I have more posts on how to communicate your need to your husband, and also what to do if he just refuses to deal with it (because that really is a sin). I hope that helps! And I am sorry.

        • Its true I must focus by praying because my husband don’t give my heart desires and I lost focus to concentrate because of sex longingness. Please pray for me

      • i must agree with you Jed, but some times a person wont tell you the truth. its been two months shy of a year for me,. after waiting seven years. this man is not trying to get help and wont even talk about it. i am at the point or should i say i am past the point of wanting out. i look at it as abuse,. there is no kind of romance in our relationship. there is no balance, yet this man will some times help me in the house. he goes shopping with me, help me with the laundry and thats it. all i can to this is his man is not into me. Ms O.

      • A man has the DUTY to provide sex to his wife. Likewise, the wife also has this DUTY. All of which is biblical. How are the sexless supposed to deal with their lack of sexual attention? Prayer all the time ? My husband NEVER wants it, he watches porn sometimes maybe more times..I just have not looked or tried to find out. However, I have a HIGH sex drive, I am 38, active, fit and he NEVER wants me. My ex husband wanted me all the time, and now I never get any. I am actually considering divorce over this because if he can get off to porn and not want REAL sex from me that is ALWAYS available than, that’s pretty much like cheating.

        • Mrs. H., I would agree that what your husband is doing is absolutely wrong, and I’d point you to these articles that may help about how to confront him: 4 Things You Must Do if your Husband Uses Porn and Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? I also have a post on the top 10 effects of porn, and one of them is that you stop wanting sex in real life.

          I really hope those help; I know this is a huge issue in so many marriages! Best wishes to you.

          • Tony Conrad says:

            I’ve always classed it as mental adultery personally and it can have exactly the same affect on a marriage.

            Even if I look a bit too long at an advert or something I can almost sense a barrier to intimacy beginning to build. Goodness know what full blown porn could do, especially over along period.

    • I agree. My husband has been watching these for years. I feel like this is our main problem. For 33years we have worked on different schedules. Our off days are never the same unless it’s his vacation during the Christmas Holidays. We really need help. I have talked with him about this before and he disagrees.

    • Ann gains says:

      we have not had sex for 2 years and my husband will not wear his wedding ring anymore but he spend all of his time with me unless he is at work what to do he says it because of his blood pressure pills but i know for a fact he is into porn i have caught him a couple of times in front of the tv masterbating to porn and they are always young teen girls he i 51 now and i am 61 but i look like i am 20 i have been hit on at work by a young man and i am on the edge of having a affair help

      • Ann, I’m so sorry for this. But your husband really does need to be confronted! Also, if he’s looking at teen girls, what he is doing is ILLEGAL and the police need to be notified for the sake of those girls who are being used.

        I’ve got a post on what you must do if your husband uses porn here. I really encourage you to read it and then do it. You can’t just tolerate this; if you tolerate it, he’ll end up going down such a destructive road, too.

  2. Hi Sheila

    I would like to go through the points you have raised today, one by one and comment from a male perspective. It may help some of your wifey readers to understand their husband’s viewpoint on much of this.

    Go see the doctor

    This *is* a big deal for men. They are admitting that they are not the way society expects them to be. If they admitted it in an all male group non-christian group, they would probably get offers from other men about 2taking care” of their wife. They do not want to do this, but they generally do realise that ED in particular can be an early warning of heart disease or other major health concerns. encourage, but don’t nag your husband, and remember to tell him that he GP has probably seen hundreds of men in a similar condition over the years, so there is nothing to fear. The GP will probably run a series of tests to ensure that all possible physical causes are either identified or eliminated.

    If the problem is emotional or stress-related, then you are right on the money with your comments about not mothering or nursing. Two things that I can say from my own experience, (and I have no connection with the author of the book I am about to recommend except as a satisfied reader) are:
    1:- check that you are communicating. My wife’s love language is Acts of Service, while mine is Quality Time. My wife thought that I was not loving when I wanted her to simply spend time with me, and I thought her unloving because she was always too busy doing things for me to spend any time with me. It was like someone who could only speak and understand English trying to communicate with someone who could only speak and understand Cantonese. If all of this is double dutch to you, get the book, the 5 Love Languages and all will become clear.
    2:- develop your friendship by doing things together. when Dear Wife (DW) and I were almost looking to divorce, because we both thought that what we had was not worth holding on to, we went to counseling, and our counselor told us, after about a month of weekly sessions, that we should come to see her every other week, and on the weeks we did not come to see her, we should go and do something that we both enjoyed, together.

    By learning to understand the other party’s Love Language, and by getting used to feeling enjoyment in each other’s company, our relationship improved. I think that it is a bit like Pavlov’s dogs, except maybe more complicated, in that if you expect to enjoy time together, then you will look forward to your time together and you will feel more positive about being in the other person’s presence.

    I haven’t had an issue with porn, except to insist that a junior colleague remove some girlie pictures he had on display in a place where both male and female colleagues were likely to be present. What I can say is that in my youth, I could quite happily have sex numerous times each day whereas now in my 50’s recovery time after ejaculation is measured in hours rather than minutes, so I can see the problem with masturbation. I certainly understand the problems that can arise when you do not know the person who is the object of your fantasies. When we were teenagers, we ‘fancied’ this girl/guy, then we got to know them and how our view changed. It was called disillusionment. Real relationships are much more work than fantasy, so when one party thinks they are not getting much out of the relationship, it is all too easy to fantasise instead, whether it’s over the porn model/actress, or whether it’s over the dashing hero of the too-explicit romantic novel. Neither take the effort a real live person interacting with you takes..

    I must disagree on the suggestion that for some there is no reason. There is, but we simply haven’t found it yet. It might be that one partner thinks that sex 8 times a week is about 6 times a week too few and the other thinks it is about 7 1/2 times too many and the difference is all down to the statistical distribution of desire in the human population. That is a reason. But it is no reason to follow the present cultural trend to treat marriage as a disposable. It is, as Sheila writes, a cause to get closer to God in prayer for your spouse.

  3. Oh Sheila you’ve done it again. You’ve written a post that sooo needed to be written and read by many couples! I so appreciate your understanding and caring attitude towards wives who have faced this issue. You’re right, it is AWFUL to not be sexually pursued by your husband and it definitely hurts to hear other wives complain about their hubbies wanting sex too much. A husband that wants sex all the time may be annoying, but a husband that never wants sex is hurtful. Which do you think is worse?

    I’ve been married for a year now and this is something the hubs and I have struggled with. Before we were married my husband asked me if I would be okay with having sex everyday after we got married. Then once we were married I could barely get him to want it once a week. It hurt more than I can describe, but I finally understand why he feels the way he does and now things are sooo much better! For us, sex just hasn’t been that great. On our wedding night we discovered that I had vaginismus (your posts on that subject are great too!) and thus began months of dilators and painful sex. To make a long story short, I was so hurt that my husband didn’t seem to want sex that much and thought either I was undesirable or my husband was just plain weird. Somehow the Lord opened my eyes to understand the issue better and now I understand that, right now, sex is work for us. Because it’s still somewhat painful for me it takes a lot of effort. It’s not relaxing or stress relieving. In fact it’s exhausting. So after going to work for 8 hours and commuting for 45 minutes, my husband doesn’t want to come home and work (aka have sex) even more. Now that I understand him and he knows I’m not so upset about it anymore, he has actually been a lot more interested in sex lately. Even though our sex really hasn’t improved that much, just understanding the issue and not being in conflict over this anymore has made sex a lot more appealing. So I supposed “sex is hard work” could be added to your list for couples who have sexual difficulties.

    • thanks for writing! It is indeed really hardbto begin your married life that way. It sounds like you have a great attitude, though, and I’m sure God will getvyou through!

    • Anonymous, that’s great! I know your first year of marriage has been really tough, but it looks like things are getting better. We had a really rough first four years in the bedroom, but now things are great (we’re at just about 20 years now). Stick it out, keep working on your friendship above all, and you’ll find that fun really does come in the bedroom, even if it takes time.

    • Daniel Smith says:

      This reply is about 3 years late but I thought I’d offer the OBVIOUS male explanation:

      Your husband loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you. Therefore, he doesn’t seek sex because that causes you pain.

      Have a conversation with him and ask if the above is happening.

  4. I think this is a great post; thanks Sheila. Although typically me and my husband do not have this issue – for the most part our libido’s are fairly compatable. Not to say we haven’t gone through periods where one or the other felt they were not totally satisfied in this area (we’ve been married over 5yrs and have several small children). This may be another topic for a WW but my question is on the issue you brought up of masturbation. My husband’s job requires him to be away from home for extended periods of time (as in one to four weeks). During this time he obviously still has needs and I know he often ‘takes things into his own hands’ (pardon the pun). He is open about this and I don’t feel this is a problem as I would rather him relieve the tension than put himself into greater temptation because of strong tensions that have not be relieved. Could this be a dangerous thing for our relationship? He is pretty open about this to me and I don’t feel that there is an addiction since I feel that our sex life is pretty normal in terms of frequency (although I know ‘normal’ is different for different couples). Just wondering your opinion in this area :)

    • Hi Anonymous! Sorry I didn’t reply to your important comment right away; I was away with my mom for a few days. What I’m about to say may sound controversial to many, so I’m sorry if I shock anyone. But let me give my reasoning first. I believe that sexual release is something which is really supposed to be saved for your spouse. When you start obtaining that release away from your spouse, that can lead to a lot of problems, including the fact that sometimes people start to prefer that to pursuing relationship. Let’s face it: most of us could pleasure ourselves a lot more quickly than our spouse could, and if sex involves having to communicate first, and be nice first, it can be a big hassle. So I really don’t think it’s good to get into masturbation, even as release when you’re away from your spouse. It can lead to greater separation.

      That being said, the main harm comes in the fact that it is in secret and divorced from relationship. If it can be incorporated into relationship, I really have a hard time saying it’s wrong. So I guess what I’d suggest is “joining him” on the phone, so to speak. I’ll let your imagination do the work. But if you can insert yourself into it, if he’s gone for a few weeks and it’s just really difficult for him, then that can bring another level of intimacy. But I don’t think sex is ever supposed to be something that is a secret between spouses. Remove the secrecy and insert relationship, and I think you can still have some fun. But again, this isn’t optimal, and it’s only a stopgap measure if you’re just away from each other too long.

      • Tony Conrad says:

        I agree. It’s what is going on in your head when you are doing it that is important. Is it your wife or somebody else?

  5. van Rooinek says:

    “…The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life….”

    Perhaps, but I do believe that in the large majority of cases you have the causal arrow backwards. The less sex men get in real life, the more vulnerable they are to porn.

    This does NOT mean it’s okay for a man (or, less often, a woman) to use porn. And this does NOT mean that a wife is obligated to compete with porn stars on their own terms. Porn stars — like actresses and models — are a select small percent of the population and it’s their JOB to look good, working out hours a day if necessary…. most people just can’t do that. It’s not a realistic expectation.

    However, in the absence of some genuine medical impediment, reasonable fitness and reasonable sexual activity are… well… reasonable expectations. If a wife totally lets herself go (quite common) or lets the marital sex life dwindle towards zero (MANY husbands report this, especially after the 5 year mark), then said wife is placing a STUMBLING BLOCK before him, making it more likely that he will fall into porn, or even to actual physical affairs. It’s still sin for him, but if you place a stumbling block, you’re just being silly.

    Granted, some men are dogs who will use porn and/or cheat no matter what. And at the other end of the spectrum, others are so strong that they’ll never fall even if their wives impose total celibacy on them. But in between, for the great majority of men, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak — and the difference between the fidelity they aspire to, and the porn or affairs to which they are tempted, may well hinge on whether or not their wives take care of them.

    Don’t be a stumbling block.

    And yes, husbands should exercise and stay in shape, too. Wives also have needs.

    • Absolutely agree with you, and thank you for commenting! In fact, I’ve written more about this side of the equation (that men have needs) then I have about the other. You can see some of those posts here and here.

      But, at the same time, pornography I think falls into a different category. Yes, men are more vulnerable to it when they aren’t getting sex. But getting sex does not necessarily protect men from it, because it is in a different compartment in men’s brains. For instance, many men enter marriage already pornography users, and even if she has sex with him a ton, it isn’t going to replace the high he gets from porn. So while it may protect to some extent, it’s still a very real problem for many men, and many men who are addicted to porn actually have wives who make love frequently. So yes, women need to consider men’s needs, but doing so doesn’t necessarily stop a porn addiction from starting, nor does it cause an addiction to stop. They can be separate issues.

      • Jamie Barnes says:

        I’ve been married to two Christian men who preferred masturbation/fantasies/porn/tv, anything. Men have such issues with lust. I’m convinced many women don’t want sex with husbands who show there apparent lake of appreciation for their gift from God when they stare down other women, use porn, linger upon sexual images. The book “every mans battle” talks about men having these issues. More than a millisecond glance is interest, double glances, turning around to further check her out, it all devalues the wife. I’m exaspperated with men. I’ve always been very attractive and it’s never enough if another pretty thing comes along be it a real person, magazine, and yes it makes the men not look at you to get their sexual pleasure. I am a highly sexual being and I am so extremely offended that husbands get their ” looks” hence sexual fixes from others than their wife. If a man is totally faithful, kind, doesn’t make his wife feel in competition to keep his attention over every other female image out there, I cannot see how a woman would not want him sexually. Both of my husbands refused to deal with their sexual preferences for their sexual fixes. Neither have deserved me. I am all woman and should not have to deal with men’s lust! If a man finds sexual satisfaction through porn, then no, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or look at me so my body can be compared to all of his other images. Women are getting a very raw deal. If half nude men were everywhere and a husbands wife continually went to the images, men would throw fits. I consider this as sexual harassment. We are continually bombarded with our men’s desire for other women. I give up on any man being loyal to one woman. They may love you, butt to actually deny their fullfillment of images whether it be a short skirt, bikini, tv, porn, magazine….I don’t see men denying their daily “harmless” image fixes. The looks stimulates a part in their brain and they forever more go for it, till they don’t even look at their wife as a woman anymore. A woman should be able to go anywhere without getting that sixth sense that comes when you feel your mans interest and see his looks at whoever or whatever for that day. I can feel it. I literally feel his separation when he does it. I’m sick of the dishonor. I’m too good of a woman, too pretty, love God, ambitious, caring and compassionate to be continually hurt this way. I’d rather be alone.

    • Jamie Barnes says:

      I’ve been married to two Christian men who preferred masturbation/fantasies/porn/tv, anything. Men have such issues with lust. I’m convinced many women don’t want sex with husbands who show there apparent lake of appreciation for their gift from God when they stare down other women, use porn, linger upon sexual images. The book “every mans battle” talks about men having these issues. More than a millisecond glance is interest, double glances, turning around to further check her out, it all devalues the wife. I’m exaspperated with men. I’ve always been very attractive and it’s never enough if another pretty thing comes along be it a real person, magazine, and yes it makes the men not look at you to get their sexual pleasure. I am a highly sexual being and I am so extremely offended that husbands get their ” looks” hence sexual fixes from others than their wife. If a man is totally faithful, kind, doesn’t make his wife feel in competition to keep his attention over every other female image out there, I cannot see how a woman would not want him sexually. Both of my husbands refused to deal with their sexual preferences for their sexual fixes. Neither have deserved me. I am all woman and should not have to deal with men’s lust! If a man finds sexual satisfaction through porn, then no, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or look at me so my body can be compared to all of his other images. Women are getting a very raw deal. If half nude men were everywhere and a husbands wife continually went to the images, men would throw fits. I consider this as sexual harassment. We are continually bombarded with our men’s desire for other women. I give up on any man being loyal to one woman. They may love you, butt to actually deny their fullfillment of images whether it be a short skirt, bikini, tv, porn, magazine….I don’t see men denying their daily “harmless” image fixes. The looks stimulates a part in their brain and they forever more go for it, till they don’t even look at their wife as a woman anymore. A woman should be able to go anywhere without getting that sixth sense that comes when you feel your mans interest and see his looks at whoever or whatever for that day. I can feel it. I literally feel his separation when he does it. I’m sick of the dishonor. I’m too good of a woman, too pretty, love God, ambitious, caring and compassionate to be continually hurt this way. I’d rather be alone.

    • In my case, my husband let himself go completely. He is younger than me, and was in perfect shape when we married 4 years ago. Now, he would rather eat junk food instead of having sex. It’s a disgusting turn off. Plus, he watches porn. He was married before and had the same issues with his ex which he claimed were all her fault in the relationship. Now, I feel like it was him and his porn problem. I have never needed porn to “get off” but now , since I rarely have sex anymore, I have looked at it a lot to get satisfaction and just feel gross afterwards. I feel guilty, I want sex all the time from my husband, but he doesn’t want it. I have talked to him and threatened divorce, then he will have sex with me once or twice in a month, but he acts like he is in a porn movie and I feel like he is just fantasizing about someone he saw on his porn movie. I feel like a charity case, gross, and disgusted. I am not fat or ugly, what is wrong with him?

  6. van Rooinek says:

    “…But getting sex does not necessarily protect men from it, because it is in a different compartment in men’s brains…”

    Utterly disagree there. It’s the SAME part of the brain. It’s an issue of supernormal versus normal stimuli, that’s all.

    “…. They can be separate issues….”

    Agree, because once the addiction is established, it can take on a life of its own. It’s analgous to narcotics — they may be prescribed for real pain, but can result in an addiction that last long after the injury is healed.

  7. You missed one. A man can also withhold affection and sex because he’s punishing his wife. She made a mistake, yes a big one even, a year, two years, 3 years ago and he’s still holding it against her and refusing to meet her needs b/c he only cares about one person: HIMSELF! It doesn’t matter that she’s apologized 100s of times, done everything she can to make it right, submitted to his abuse for years in an effort to please him. He still hates her.

    • You’re right, that could definitely be an issue. Again, I’d really look at the book Love Must be Tough, and talk to someone about how you can take productive steps in your marriage to break through this impasse. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and could really use someone to come alongside you.

    • Daniel Smith says:

      The husband’s actions are not biblical.

      “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)

      If the husband is also a Christian then have a conversation about this. If he is unwilling to change or repent, then the wife should seek every other avenue to restore the relationship – counseling, etc. If this has been going on for years (and especially if there are no children in the marriage) then divorce is likely the best option. I do not say that last sentence lightly because divorce is a terrible thing. It should only be a last resort. However in this case, it sounds as though divorce would be better for both parties compared to the wife having to endure a lifetime of suffering. Also, divorce is a process that takes time. If the wife initiates this process, that fact might get through to a stubborn husband. It will indicate the love of the husband for the wife. Hopefully, this will wake him up but if he does not object to it…then let it proceed.

  8. OffTheCuff says:

    What, not the obvious?

    #0: You’ve let yourself go. You don’t have to be a bikini model, but if you don’t put some *effort* into staying in reasonable shape for your age, you’re just lowering his libido for him. An extra 10 or 20 pounds is fine on most people. An extra 50 isn’t. (Is he fat? Sure, he should lose weight, too, to increase his own libido. But if you’re also fat, then you have two problems instead of one.)

    Not all porn use is an addiction. Porn is just like booze; some people can handle it, and others can’t.

    • You’re right; we definitely have the obligation to do what we can to stay beautiful to our husbands. But many “large” women still have great sex lives if their marriage relationship is strong and if the friendship is still strong. Just because a woman has gotten too big does not mean that a guy won’t make love to her. If there is really love there, that will fuel the attraction. But your point is still valid; we should be making an effort to seduce our husbands!

      • I think the key point is “effort.” It’s not about looking the way you did when you were 22. But I can tell when a woman is trying vs. when she’s said “the heck with it.” And I feel sorry for men married to women in the latter category. (My own DW doesn’t have a lot of confidence which I think is unfortunate, but she’s working hard to get exercise, eat healthy and invest an appropriate amount in well-fitting clothes and hairstyles. Makes a huge difference. And I’ve been attracted to her regardless.)

    • I take offense to this as many over weight women would. I met my husband weighing what I do now and we were intimate a lot the first 9 months. Plus, saying something like that is giving a man the green light to cheat. Sorry, we are all made different and I have seen men cheat on the most beautiful wife. Weight isn’t always or mostly the issue. Both my husband and I have many issues from the past. I have been trying to talk to him but, as I do we both HEAR things differently and take things the wrong way. I have out right told my husband if you don’t like the way I look move on. Sure, I want to lose weight but, I have no guarantee at my age of what, when, where or how I will lose weight and it was discussed from our meeting. So, to me that is not excuse for a man to cheat. If the man can’t accept the love of his life for who she is today then he was never worthy of her love at all. I’m not saying not to speak to her and try to help in any way but supporting her is the answer until SHE can find it in herself to do what she needs or wants to do. To me that’s like saying if anything physically happens to your partner it’s OK to throw them away. It’s been 4 years of fighting to save my marriage and God is hearing me. We love each other and we’re worth fighting for.

  9. I may be a little late weighing in, here, but I want to share my experience. For 22 years I dealt with my husband not wanting to have sex with me very frequently. We would go 6 weeks or more between times very often. He would also refuse me when I tried to initiate. I felt like no one in Christian circles addressed this issue (all I ever read/heard was be sure to give it to him whenever he wants it, and he will want it often…so not true for me!). I totally thought he was not attracted to me, he did not really love me, etc. etc. And I really did work at being his friend, supporting him in other ways, etc. etc. I was beating myself up over it, thinking every failure of mine (even housecleaning, or whatever) was affecting his desire/love for me. And I was too shy about the issue to really talk with anyone else about it…eventually we went to the pastor for counseling, who encouraged my husband to get to the doctor. Even that didn’t happen right away, and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t asked the doctor about it myself when my husband was in for something else completely! But he got his testosterone tested and the results came back that he was EXTREMELY low. What a relief! Now he takes a testosterone-boosting supplement, which helps a little, and I am reassured that it is NOT me…which has helped the whole situation to become less tense…and therefore we are having more fun than ever before. Even so, I still had to make up my mind that I would probably be initiating most of the time (had to get over the desire to be pursued…not easy, but necessary), and he has realized that he needs to be willing to cooperate! Just want to encourage other women out there that maybe it is something simple–get to the doctor and rule that out before beating yourself up about your part in the relationship.

    • Great comment, Annie! Thanks so much for chiming in. You’re absolutely right: every man who doesn’t seem to want sex should get his testosterone level checked. Many men are hesitant to go to the doctor about this, but it’s so important. I’m glad you did, and I’m glad your marriage turned around!

    • My husband has always lacked a sex drive. Your story sounded so familiar. Ive always had a very strong sex drive. We would go weeks without and I was always the one to initiate. He did seem to have trouble with ED so he told me this was why he did not want sex…but yet he was young so it made no sense to me. It seems after a week or two of marriage he just stopped wanting sex. We’ve fought over sex for 22 yrs. It is embarrassing and you do feel like a loser because all you hear is how husbands want sex ALL the time so you wonder why your husband does not want you. I heard my neighbor friends complain how their husbands wanted sex every night as they rolled their eyes and Id almost be in tears. He went to Dr’s. We went to therapists. We did everything we knew to do. He was verbally abusive so this did not help any. I wondered why I had such a strong sex drive even when he treated me like crap. He admitted to me about 17 yrs. into our marriage some things he had kept from me and one was a porn addiction that had gotten way worse over the last yr or so…when the kids and I were living separately due to a job loss and etc. He told me God had taken away his desire and asked my forgiveness. Now therapists tell you this cannot be true. God just does not take it away but my husband insists after lots of prayer the desire left. The thing is…his sex drive for me never got any better. Again, devastated. His T level always came back as low “normal” so the Dr’s never wanted him on T…they told him he was fine. I read maybe he was fine for an 80 yr. old…that t levels should be certain levels for certain ages…Some Dr’s feel just because you are on the chart does not mean much…So, recently he began to see a guy for inner healing prayer and I noticed a change in him. He read books on verbal abuse and admitted he was verbally abusive and he wanted to change. He also went on T cream…It would work for awhile and stop working so it was very frustrating. For the last few months he has taken T shots. Oh my goodness…it has been wonderful. Im finally wanted by my husband. It has been amazing. Of course my libido has finally gone down a lot (im thinking Im nearing peri menopause)…what a bummer (how ironic huh?)but Im so thrilled to finally feel wanted. I still do not understand why my husband tells me he has never had a sex drive and yet he was addicted to porn. That does not make sense to me.

  10. About the tests at the doctors office, is testosterone levels the same as sperm count? The reason I ask is that we went to our doctor a few years ago and had fertility tests done. Just wondering so that we may not have to go to the doctor if it’s not totally necessary.
    Thank -You

    • No, I’m pretty sure it’s not the same test. The testosterone test is a blood test. I don’t know if the testosterone level affects the sperm count, but I do know that even with my husband’s low testosterone we never had trouble getting pregnant–even though he would never have sex as often as I wanted to when we were trying to get that way! And if your most recent tests are from a few years ago, things may have changed since then, anyway–so I would definitely suggest another trip to the doctor at this point. Just my 2 cents. :-)

    • Daniel Smith says:

      They are separate tests. Testosterone is the sex hormone in men over their entire lives. It also becomes the dominant hormone in women in their later years after estrogen production declines as a result of menopause.

  11. Anonymous says:

    “But more than anything, you’ll just have to learn that this is the man you married. Get your peace in God, work in your friendship so you don’t feel emotionally rejected, and learn to love him anyway.”

    Is that really what it boils down to? If your husband won’t have sex with you….your stuck?

    Where is the husband’s responsibility?

    Is with-holding or avoiding sex not a type of unfaithfulness?

    I’d love to know your thoughts.

    • Yes, I do think withholding sex is wrong, and if a spouse refuses to have sex, then I really would suggest going to the leadership about it. I wrote about that here.

  12. I have been married for less than a year and this is a problem my husband and I face. I have a very high sex drive but my husband does not. In almost 98% of our situations I am always the one the one to initiate having sex. We recently had a conversation about this and he said it would be better if we don’t do it as much as we do now. This made me feel very sad and hurtful inside. It’s even more hurtful when I talk to my friends about my situation and they say well I wish my husband would be more like that and they tell me of times when there husbands beg for sex while mine does the exact opposite. This is a hard subject among women especially something so taboo. I’m
    Glad you brought this subject up!

    • Sina, I’m sure it must be especially difficult because other women often don’t understand or feel really sympathy–they feel more, “I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes.” I know you must feel very lonely, but I’d encourage you to have his testosterone checked (it’s often a simple issue), make sure he’s not using porn, work on your friendship, and just pray a lot!

  13. Unfortunately #4 on the list should really occupy another three or four slots for how pervasive an issue it is, even (and especially) in the church. I wouldn’t be surprised if about 70% of these issues are caused by that, with the number climbing higher unless we figure out good ways to address it.

  14. Sheila – Great post on a subject that needs more attention.

    I would add one – he gave up after years of being told no by her, or of feeling like he was being serviced rather than making love. I can’t say how common this is, but when we dig we find it as a factor more often than you would think. She gets busy with young children and sex becomes a very low priority. Then in her mid 30’s to mid 40’s, with the kids older and her hormones making her want sex more, she tries for more and finds that he has lost interest or is unwilling to risk having more for fear of getting hurt again.

    Of course there are couples where this is not a factor, where she has always wanted more, or she has always wanted as much as him and then he starts to want less.
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  15. DebiHIS says:

    for the first 20 yrs. of our marraige the sex life was great. even when we were having disagreements, our passion for each other remained strong. but then i hit the age of 45, and perimenopause began. it was like one day i had libido, the next day none. i didnt care if i ever had sex again, never thought of it, didn’t miss it. this confused my hubby, and he got resentful. he would flash me trying to get me to respond, or grab me, not lovingly, expecting me to jump on him. i finally got to the point of guarding myself everytime he walked by, and sex between us got farther and farther apart. after 3 years of this, my hubby got angry and fed up. thats when he turned to porn, which led to online friend finder sites. i was by that time in total hopeless despair and depression. my husband wouldn’t even acknowledge me anymore, totally ignore me, i really thought he was going to leave me. thats when i started to pull myself up, fight back. i would reach out to him, get a tiny response. i thought we were making progress, not knowing he was having an affair with a married woman dissatisfied with her husband. someone told my daughter her father was at a hotel, he took pictures to prove what he was saying was real, and then she had to tell me. the betrayal almost did me in. the worst pain ever. i made him choose, if she is what you want, then i wont fight you. but if you want to try, i will. he chose to try. once we had recommitted to each other, my symptoms almost dissapeared, and the sex was great again. but now 4 yrs. into our rebirth, hubby doesnt want it anymore! he tells me i have a one-track mind now LOL. went to the doctor, got hormones checked, he was low T, thyroid was low. it has helped some, but his energy levels/desire have not come back yet. so sex gets farther and farther apart again, and this time i get to go crazy. the irony of it all drives me crazy!! what did i ever do to get sick in the first place, only to be betrayed, to be given another chance, only to be left crawling out of my skin. im not into porn, and finding another person, with who knows how many diseases, does not appeal to me….whats left? sex for one? not really feeling toys either…

  16. HI i went through almost everything whats being written above.

    I am a girl of 23 & my husband is 27. We will be completing our 1st year anniversary in the coming October.

    we live away from our mother county & we are also from two religions which the religion fact has never have comes between us, ever so far.

    with the present location where we are based, All porn sites are blocked. How ever i have seen of new methods that people use to unblock, blocked sites by the authorities.

    I am a full time housewife & my husband returns home from work pass 7 in the eve. He does not smoke or drink too & i don’t think he has the capacity of watching porn at the work place.

    We were together as husband & wife before our marriage(for almost a year & a half) & he was all so in to me, so in to the relationship & sex. ( we had it almost everyday & sometimes few times a day too) yet as time has passed by he has lost the interest in it & it rarely happened between us now a days ( maximum 4-6times a month). He reaches the climax pretty soon (in about 10-15minutes from the starting point) & it makes me sick of it. he hardly notices me, doesn’t give me any looks or clues any more or the least wouldn’t even touch me or hold me in a way that a woman would expect her man to do things to her.even if i hug him tight he would just keep his arms around me & that’ s it.

    After long hours of discussions everyday, we have finally decided to see a doctor, yet not sure of whom to go to (which category of a doctor )or any other solution to be made.

    we love each other, yet i cannot go on like this & I don’t wanna leave him for another man too for i know he is the one for me & that he still loves me. by reading the above threads i understand most of you are elder to me & probably have more experience about life than i do. so please tell me what we should do.

    thanks big time!

  17. I cried when i read this post. I have been struggling with this situation and i have felt so alone. My husband and i have been married for almost 5 months. When we were first dating and engaged he couldnt keep his hands off of me and complimented me all the time. A month or two before we got married he stopped wanting to be physical with me. It picked up when we got married and he initiated it on our honeymoon, which i was extremely glad for. But within the last few months he has not wanted to be intimate at all, even to the point that he avoids it and waks away…. I feel so hurt that i just break down and cry alot. I have been feeling so alone and i feel that i cant talk to anyone about it. Im so lost, i just dont know what to do.

    • Daniel Smith says:

      A marriage relationship is the responsibility of both parties. And it is work.

      From the male perspective it sounds as though your husband has become disillusioned with sex. And that’s not surprising given our culture’s focus on it. But the source of the disillusionment might be any of a number of things. (Sheila: This should be on your list.) Try to find out what is causing it.

      It could be any of the following, good or bad, in any combination (and this is not an exhaustive list):
      1) He expects you to initiate sex some (or all) of the time.
      2) He expects you to be a supermodel
      3) He expects you to just “know” how he likes it
      4) He’s had you and now he no longer wants you (In other words, the chase is over and he liked the chase more than the capture.)

      Crying is OK to get the emotions out but pick yourself up afterwards and do something about it. The best thing you can do is talk to him. Share your feelings. Tell him you still care for and desire him. Ask him why he isn’t “into” you anymore (pun intended). Figure out his feelings on the subject and try to satisfy them if they are reasonable (#1, etc.). If they are not reasonable (#2, etc.), then gently tell him so. Regardless, communication is the best way to move forward (and in the case of #3 is also the solution – he needs to communicate what he wants to you because you can’t read his mind).

    • Desperate too... says:

      I feel the same. So glad to see other christian women dealing with the same problem. I constantly crave physical touch from my husband, not just sex but all sorts of cuddling and touching. However, he seems to be a person that hates touching. We are both young, 25, and married for almost four years now, and it’s been a problem ever since our son was born. He feels like its harder to please me, and rattles off all sorts of excuses why he can’t finish me when he finishes. I try to not let the stress get to me, but its a crazy cycle that I can’t get off because I’m stressed out about him not performing, and then he doesn’t perform and I get more stressed. Also glad to see I’m not alone in my feeling, and that I am not unhealthy in wanting to finish because this is commanded of us in the Bible to fulfill our spouse’s needs. Unfortunately, I feel my husband is not aware of how much he sees sexual desire as sin. He thinks I need to much and sometimes I feel he thinks I have a sex addiction problem, though he has never voiced this. I do not want to cheat, I don’t really find other men sexually attractive because I love my husband so much. I don’t even like masturbation very much because I ONLY want it with my husband, and I don’t get reciprocation. I have tried so many things, intiating, dressing up, new positions, doing it during the day so he’s not tired, and still 9 times out of 10 he finishes, rolls off to sleep, and I am left crying to myself. Then, if he sees I’m upset he gets mad at me for immasculating him and again, for having to much desire (being sinful). I am feeling just disrespected, used, and unloved in all areas of our marriage. I have been working hard to define my emotional needs better do him, but as I rack my brain for what I am missing from him, the only thing is sexual fulfillment but I feel he won’t even discuss it. I have calmly tried to bring up the issue and explain how deeply the issue affects me, but I feel he thinks I am just wrong in needing this. I have explained to him how I feel emotionally and physically hurt after unfulfilled sex, he completely agrees if he was in my position it would be both emotionally and physically tolling on him, yet in the actual situations he only feeds off his ego and his offense and not being able to satisfy me. Not sure what to do as he does not want to talk about it with our Christian counselor, or anyone, and rarely will talk about it with me. I only bring it up occasionally, only about once every three months, but after three and a half years of no change, I am thinking maybe I do have too much desire??? THen I find threads like this! Honestly, there was ONE time I deprived him, and I was 8 months pregnant and just very tired after two hours and he still didn’t finish. I have even brought toys and other “new” experiences into the bedroom when he said he felt “bored…” Recently I have started waking up earlier (I love to sleep in, but my husband has said he sees it as a sign of disrespect because he works and its really the only time we can spend together.) and making breakfast, coffee, trying to communicate and just talk to beef up my emotional needs so that when we have sex its easier for me…. NO AVAIL HAS COME! Instead, I find myself just going through the routine to get him off the one time a month he comes to me, and just expect to not get anywhere, pretending to be involved when I’m not. I don’t think he even notices, which hurts even more! If he does notice he doesn’t say anything and is still able to finish. I try not to do this, but after years of getting nowhere, even if I get his understanding, I am at a LOSS…. HELP AND PRAY!

      • I would suggest you and your husband get some kind of counseling. He sounds a bit selfish and uncaring. If there is anyway to get him to a marriage retreat or leave a book in the bathroom in the bathroom where he might read it. Make sure it talks about the needs of women. I really think these problems come about in marriage because they were never taught the right way how to treat their wife. Some men know all the right things to say to get what they want and never give action. One thing can change this and that is pray. Never tolerate verbal or physical abuse. Jesus said to submit to your husband as to Christ, but Christ would never ask you to sin and that is what porn is. There is nothing sinful about your desire for sex with your husband. Be strong sweetie you can make it! Father give this young woman peace and comfort and strength. Give her wisdom on how to deal with this situation. In Jesus Name. Amen.

  18. Premarital sex is likely an issue too.

    My husband said he stopped being attracted to me the day he proposed. That didn’t stop him from blaming me. The first time it was “the extra 40lbs doesn’t help…” (I gained 25 pounds eating the food he like me to make him and lost 13 by the time he’d made the comment). I was newly pregnant with our first when he made the comment, I called a suicide hotline number that night. I would never harm myself with a child involved, but his words wounded me to the core. This was also several years before he confessed that our engagement ended his attraction.

    Back then we had sex two to three times a week. If only I would have known that was a good number.That sounds great now.

    I have since gotten down to prehubby weight, had him tell me I was too big still AND that my stomach disgusts him, more depression 11 miscarriages, each with a 5 lb weight gain, and now I am overweight and not able to do much about it. Our love life has dwindled to once every 4-6 weeks. It feels like dying.

    In our marriage, he’s blamed his drive on my weight, my stomach when I lost weight, my acne(pregnancy related), my lack of makeup, my housekeeping. Because I love him and am in this for keeps, I have worked on dressing more femininely, wearing makeup-but not too much because he wants it to cover my flaws-but look natural. I am constantly on a diet, I have gotten rid of tons of clutter and gotten tips about housecleaning, implemented those changes, never let him see my stomach, and make sure I dress in non-grumpy clothes.

    Basically, every barrier he has blamed it on, I have fought to remove and he rewards me with less intimacy.

    He is not into porn, he is on his computer every waking non-working hour, apart from meals.

    I cry myself to sleep a lot. If I didn’t have wonderful children, I could see suicide as a sad giant temptation. I pray about this constantly, yet I feel that he is making no effort. After all, I am not a model and my house is not perfect yet,so really am I doing enough to merit his love?

    • RV, I am so, so sorry that you feel like you have to work to “merit his love”. That’s a very lonely place.

      And it sounds like you are in a really lonely place in your marriage. I’d really recommend either seeing a counselor with him, or at least joining some sort of a MOPS group or a moms group and finding some mentors in real life that you can talk to. I’m worried that you’re getting into a depression, and that’s not good for anyone.

      You DO merit love, and that’s how God sees you. God doesn’t ask you to have a perfect house or a perfect body; He loves you just the way you are. I’m sorry that you don’t feel that from your husband, but please know that even on the days when you feel darkest, God still smiles on you. He really does.

  19. FTR we stopped having sex before he proposed because we wanted a fresh start.

  20. Thank you Sheila for posting this. I had been struggling about this problem since the early stage of our marriage. Well, me and my husband had been married for three months now. And to think that our marriage is still in its very early stage and we had been experiencing this problem now. It really has been very hurtful to be rejected. Although in fairness to my husband, he makes me understand why he often times reject me with having sex. But in spite of his explanation, I still can’t get over the feeling of rejection every time it happens, and it really hurts. But I just want to share to you that his reason is because of his “BACK PAIN”. He’s always having back pains especially when we’re having sex. But well, I can also feel and see the effort he is making just to satisfy me. But what can I do with this? I am 25 and I have a high sex drive. I really love my husband and I know he loves me too.

  21. sean brooks says:

    I understand that most of you are christian, but blaming pornography for the majority of your cases is just you being in denial. While there are a lot of men out there who develop unhealthy addictions to porn, and even as simple as giving them an “unrealistic expectation” of sex, i really do believe the majority of mens lack of sex drive is because of other issues in the relationship. More often then not men stop wanting to have sex with their wives because of resentment in the relationship. Whether that be fighting between you, house keeping, who takes care of the kids, who works the most, etc etc. There is usually a bigger issue going on than “oh make sure he isnt looking at pornography.”.

    Most men would rather have sex than watch porn. The problem isn’t that they would rather watch porn than have sex, its that they would rather watch porn than have sex with YOU.

    almost all of these stories on this thread sound like there are far more deeper issues going on in the relationship than just the sex. The sex is just a symptom of a larger problem.

    and whoever made the comment, “make sure you have parental controls on your computer to prevent husband from watching porn” sounds like they are setting themselves up for divorce. People are going to do what they want to do. If you tell your husband you dont like him looking at pornography, thats fair enough, but only He cant determine that he wont do it. trying to ‘force’ him to not watch it is only going to make him dislike you even more and further drive you apart. You are his partner, not his mother.

    • Sean, I agree that there are likely other issues in the relationship, but research (including mostly non-Christian research) has shown that porn is implicated in reduced libido in relationship and actually increased sexual dysfunction (specifically erectile dysfunction). They’re even got a new term for it: Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, where people who use porn a lot are unable to become aroused with a person, because their body has been trained that what is arousing is an image, not a person. In addition, men who use porn habitually also masturbate habitually, which also reduces desire in relationship.

      So there is a huge correlation between lack of interest in sex and use of porn. The same thing has been found in college students; male college students are having sex much less today than they did ten years ago, for instance, because of the use of porn. And many are finding that when they try with a real girl it doesn’t work.

      Yes, there are likely other issues in the relationship, too, but porn in and of itself does reduce desire and ability for sex with a real, live person. The research is quite conclusive on this.

    • Sorry Sean, but if my husband is looking at pictures he shouldn’t be I will be blocking it and I would expect him to do the same for me if it was reversed. As Christians we are also in a brother/sister relationship and we are to hold each other accountable. While I understand what you are saying in regard to the wife being a nag and the husband not wanting to be with her. However that does not excuse him from doing every thing he can which would include marriage counseling to improve their relationship rather than doing something that will “punish” her or allow him to “escape” from her. Each person in a marriage is ultimately accountable to God and will give an account of what they did or did not do to correct problems in their marriage. A wife is not responsible for her husband’s sin and a husband is not responsible for his wife’s sin. However, we are each responsible for how we respond to our spouse’s sin. And setting boundaries by blocking certain sites is healthy for the marriage.

  22. Tellingnot says:

    I feel you are very neglectful of 1 of the most important issues and that is medical. My husband is 52 and I am 48, we have been married for 26 years. Our problems begin almost immediately. Over the years we have been to marriage counseling 3 different times, an individual counseling at least 3 more. We separated twice because of it. We even tried viagara. I have read every book I could get my hands on. Finally I convinced my husband to ask his doctor what the problem might be. His doctor prescribed an antidepressant for a year and said that should take care of it. (NOT) I have privately cried, prayed, and finally resigned to my sexless marriage. The emotional pain has been a terrible. Last week he came home with a new prescription for testosterone. His doctor finally did the test and learned he had extremely low testosterone. 26 years and we finally have an answer. My advice to women out there, get your husband to be tested. A simple blood test can prevent years of heartache.

  23. sadGIRLinPA says:

    Wow, I am so glad you posted this. I have been with my spouse since 2009. We married June 2012. We always had “problems” in the bedroom. We have had “talks” and sometimes arguements on why he does not want to have sex with me. Moreover, he has no physical contact with me as in putting his arm around me, touching me, kissing me, or even fun flirting. Even in the way beginning he was never like this. We have sex maybe every few months. We have a 13 month old daughter and the last time we had sex was probably May 2012. We didn’t even do anything on our wedding night, nor for my birthday, nor when we have a date night with no baby. I’m at a loss as to why he does not want to be physical with me ( and it doesn’t even need to be sex)….just laying in bed holding me or slap my a$$ or some flirty thing like that I would be happy with. I will say that he went to the doctor becuase he thought he had a problem with himself (sexually) prior to me getting pregnant. I think he thought he couldn’t get me pregnant? I’m not really sure and I have a feeling that may have something to do with why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. At this point it’s been 7 months and we just got married in June 2012. I’m miserable and I told him that he must talk to a sex pshychologist or whatever they are to find out what is wrong with him. I told him that I have NEVER met a man that did not want to get physical, flirt or touch. I’ve even brought up examples where I say that when we went out with his married friends did he happen to take notice that the husband put his arm around his wife when we walked out of the restuarant. He just seems clueless and tells me that he’s too tired, espeically now since we have the baby. He has agreed to speak to someone but I get the feeling that I’m bothering him by asking him to go….

    • Daniel Smith says:

      Be very careful bringing up this topic to a man. Be very gentle about it. Your impression that he is bothered by you asking him to go is probably right on the money. Since he agreed to go, then by all means DON’T mention it again. Doing so can easily come across as nagging. Setup the appointment and tell him when it is. You do not need to bring it up anymore beyond this because I assure you he is well aware of it. Bringing it up again will likely only increase his stress and increase the chance that he changes his mind about going.

    • I have been married to a man who does not desire me. We have been married for 21 years. I have often thought of divorcing him, but we have 2 daughters who love us both dearly. This would crush them. I believe I am at the point where I have been rejected so much, that I don’t care anymore. I actually can’t even stand being in the same room with him anymore. He tries to blame it all on me. He says I am an angry person. I probably am. I have years of resentment and shame. I have sought counseling because I feel such guilt for hating him. I have been suicidal because I feel that divorcing him would displease God because God hates divorce. I spend most of my time with church friends, work, and my daughters because I cannot stand being in the same room with him. He has never been interested in sex. He did not have sex before me. I was his first and only. I thought it was admirable when we were dating, but now I know that he cannot be intimate with anyone. He does not like to hug or show any kind of physical affection. He makes me feel ashamed for wanting intimacy. And now I don’t. I don’t want to be close to him at all. I envy all the women whose husbands love them. I have dreams of being free from him and finding someone who loves me. He is a good father and a hard worker. I will always appreciate the fact that he works hard for the family. But I don’t want this. I don’t want a loveless marriage without intimacy, warmth and conversation. I have no idea what to do. I am so happy when I am with my friends because they appreciate me. And I am so unhappy when I am with him. I have asked him to go to counseling and get his testosterone tested. He insists it’s not him. He insists it’s me.

  24. ButterflyWings says:

    My husband doesn’t want to do anything with me. Not a thing. Even joining him in HIS hobbies – he doesn’t want to do any hobby that involves interacting with people face to face anymore. But he says he’s not depressed, he just prefers doing solitary things.

  25. Hello Sheila, It’s my first time writing in this great forum.I will try to talk briefly:) : I’ve been married for almost 10 yrs, one 5 yrs old son. My husband’s sexual drive was very normal during engagemnet, after marriage his libido decreased such that most of the time its me who initiates. for the past 2 yrs I dont really remember he’d ever suggested!! By the way he has azospermia but I dont think its the cause we could conceive by IVF and I am pregnant now.
    1) I did the free Testosterone test for him and it was normal..(Does It reflect total Testosterone or shall we do it).
    2) Pornography is totally excluded.
    3) I take very good care of my shape, Iam so elegant, tall, very nice figure, clean and wearing perfume most of the time, my house is always clean and organized,etc..
    4) I do everything to provide a suitable enviroment for him to initiate sex, for example even if am exghaused at work then in house chores and in taking care of my child I stay awake ready for him to initiate…but never!!:( on the contrary he sleeps before me!
    5) Regarding his status: I dont deny that he is stressed at work and financially short..but its not an excuse since most people go through this and the sexual instinct must mask that.
    6) I have a strong, independent personality, but his mother and sisters dont…might that be one of the causes? like he’s not used to dealing or living with strong women and he might feel that our friends and relatives admire my personality?? while ignoring him?
    7) I think his mother was suffering from the same issue with his father…
    I was trying to put you completely in the picture to help you think with me and find me a solution…as many women had mentioned how much it hurts and how they cry and feel pain it does to me…and what kills me more is when I hear others complain from nagging husbands for sex even though they dont try to do what I do for my husband physically or mentally!!!

    • Daniel Smith says:

      It sounds like you are having sex but that you want him to initiate it sometimes. Is that right? If so have a conversation and tell him.

      All things considered, it sounds like you have a very good sex life. If your only concession it that you have to be the initiator, then consider yourself extremely fortunate.

      Initiating sex doesn’t have to be verbal or physical either. It can be a look or even an object that you both agree upon. “Want to have sex, dear, then set this rubber ducky on the nightstand.” You can get very creative in how you communicate your desire.

  26. My marriage and sex ife have been a total waste of my life! Thats my fault for staying with my cold and heartless husband. Weve been married 45 years and only had sex or any intimacy once and that was our wedding night. I can’t really say that was good or bad I was a virgin. The morning after our wedding he informed me that he hated sex with me or any one else. It was gross, digusting totally pointless and meaningless.. It was messy, smelly and so bad that he wasn’t going to happen again. Also he started to move all his things to the basement, and that he was going to start working the midnight shift. I screamed and cryed and said marriage isn’t suppose to be like that ! I asked whats wrong with you ? All he said was from now on leave me alone and don’t talk to me. He went down to the basement and thats where hes been for 45 years. I hoped and prayed things would change but no all that happened I wasted my life on this hopeless marriage. I have no answers on whats wrong, I really hate all men, non of them are spared my hate. I’m discouraged, embaressed, annoyed that my life just died1 In my mid 60s and my best friends are my anti-depressants and my shrink. Being rejected and lonely is terrible. Soon I hope it will be all over.

  27. Jamie Barnes says:

    It doesn’t change from what I have experienced. A man who gets into masturbation no longer desires his wife the same, no matter how sexy she is. You talk to counsel ores, pastors , to each other, nothing changes. I divorced my first husband for this. Now my second husband wants me even less. I know it isn’t me. I’ve worked around many men and have seen married Christian men steal looks at me. You know when someone is attracted to you. As a result, I easily see when my husband spends his looks on others in interest but doesn’t touch me. Don’t blame yourself. You could stay in shape, look young, cook, dress nicely, and it’ll make no difference. Try, but don’t be crushed when you see no change and only hear their denials of interest in others.

    • I agree, Jamie…I wonder why men choose to marry a woman they aren’t attracted to. It makes no sense at all. There is such a lack of honesty, such poor communication in many instances. And I understand what you are saying…men look at me all the time too, but I only want my husband. I want him to notice me and be turned on by me, instead of only getting attention from other men.

      I have nothing against porn or fantasies in most cases but a lot of men use these things as substitutes for real sex, real intimacy and that is when it becomes a problem. My husband has admitted that he used to masturbate very often, years before he met me. I have no problem with masturbation…I don’t think anyone should be made to feel guilty or ashamed of it. But when the fantasies or porn addiction or masturbation interferes with a man’s ability to see his wife as desirable, that spells trouble with a capital T.

      I’ve noticed that my husband seems to find a certain type of woman attractive and these women usually don’t have much in common with me. He denies this, but like you said, sometimes it is obvious. The girls/women he tends to look at are usually…white with straight blonde or light brown hair, tall in most cases, very thin and boyish except for medium or large breasts, very average faces. From the few pictures I’ve seen of his exes, they seem to fit that description. Me? I am short, of mixed race, used to be thin and petite but now a more curvy size 10. Small breasts and curly dark hair, dark eyes, pretty face with an exotic look, can be even more beautiful with a little bit of makeup. I will admit that because of depression and health issues I’ve gained weight but I am working hard to lose it and whip myself back into shape. I believe he doesn’t really find me very attractive, which makes me wonder why he married me in the first place.

      I am a bit overweight now, but trying to do something about it. Not happy with my body but I’m definitely not bad-looking. I don’t nag him about anything, try to be sweet and loving towards him, try to have the “right” attitude. It hurts my feelings when I catch him looking at me with something like boredom or disgust sometimes. I can’t help the way my body weight is distributed…even when I was much thinner, I had a classic pear shape. I have belly fat due to PCOS, but I am still very pretty and sexy and feminine. I have more of an old-school “pinup girl” look in some ways and he seems to prefer the trophy wife or cheerleader look that is popular today. Other men notice me and look at me with lust or admiration, but my own husband doesn’t.

      And you’re right, sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do. There have been many times where I can walk around nude or try to flirt with my husband and he’ll be annoyed because I’m blocking his view of the TV. Or he’ll give me an awkward (and often insincere) compliment about my appearance, but refuses to be intimate. I can’t help but think that if I went back down to a size 4 and did a whole bunch of things to change the way I look, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me. It seems to be about men who don’t appreciate their wives and are lusting after what they perceive as a “better” type of woman. Which is very hurtful because I don’t compare my husband to other men…I love him for who he is and I like the way he looks. There might be other men with more money or more of some other quality, but he is MY man and I don’t want anybody else. This is why it is so painful for women like us because our husbands make us feel rejected and second-rate.

  28. tennantfan says:

    I’m not married, but I’m having issues with my boyfriend not wanting to have sex. We’ve been dating for about 7 months now. One our 3rd date, he was already initiating sex with me. It’s kind of thrown me for a loop that he’s now backing off so much. We now haven’t had sex in a little bit over 3 weeks. I don’t think that this would be bugging me so much if I hadn’t caught him in a lie. Just last weekend, he told me that he loved for for the first time, and I quickly reciprocated my feelings for him. I was hoping for an amazing night of “making love” (yes, I make a distinction between it and sex), but it didn’t happen. Right before we got into bed, he went to the bathroom, came out, and said that we were out of condoms. I bought condoms the next day so that we could make love, but it didn’t happen again because he said his back was hurting him. I was sure that we would try again this weekend, but I was denied again. Friday night, he was too tired, and Saturday night he was having back issues again. This morning, I saw the box of condoms that I purchased last weekend in his travel case, and I also saw 2 leftover condoms from other boxes in there. So, if he indeed had condoms a week ago, then why did he tell me that he didn’t? I feel like he doesn’t desire me because he also doesn’t want me fulfill him in other ways very often. Instead, he says that he just wants me to be happy. While he does satisfy me in that department, it just bugs me that we aren’t having sex. I’m starting to think that I’m just bad at it, and he doesn’t have the heart to tell me. If we don’t make love this coming weekend, then I kind of don’t want him to pleasure me in other ways either.

    • @tennantfan…it sounds like he might be cheating. The fact that he lied about the condoms should tell you something. A relationship without honesty and trust is doomed to fail. Maybe his “needs” are being met elsewhere? Hopefully you’ve been able to discuss the issue with him since you posted this. 3 weeks without sex isn’t so bad…try going 3 months or more, like me and some of the other ladies here!
      A couple of years ago, my husband went on a business trip to another state…when he returned, I noticed that there was lubricant in his travel case. I wondered about it but didn’t ask him anything. It was possible that he’d used it to masturbate or in the worst case scenario, he’d been unfaithful while he was away. Sometimes you just never know. Try having an honest discussion with your boyfriend (if you guys are still together) and see what happens.

  29. Anonymous says:

    My husband and I never had sex before marriage. After marriage, I thought we would. But it didn’t happen on our wedding night or even on our honey moon. When I confronted him, he said he is shy. He does kiss me and cuddle me and play with me in the bed, but just does not do the act. He says he loves me and that he is very attracted to me and that I am the most important thing in his life. But 10 days after our marriage and we still have not done it. He does not watch porn (I am serious, he may watch a little soft porn but nothing else), as far as I know (and he has told me) he does not even masturbate. He is a very nice, responsible and loving husband in every other way. I am really confused and hurt. I have begun to doubt if he is gay, how would I know that ? Would something else be the matter ?

    • Oh, that’s so tough. I’m really sorry! Yes, it could be that he’s gay, or he could have sexual trauma in his background which has retarded his sexual growth. Or he could have really low testosterone. Regardless, he needs to work on it. Sex isn’t something that is just optional in marriage. I’d talk to him about it, tell him you love him, but that you feel as if both of you are missing out on something really important, and you want to get to the bottom of the problem. Reassure him that you love him, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having issues (we all have issues). The problem only comes when you refuse to work on those issues. So ask if you can work on them together. I would think your first stop would be a doctor for a testosterone test, and then to a counselor that he could be honest with to work through some background issues.

      I’ll say a prayer for your marriage!

  30. My husband of 18 years has been dealing with crossdressing. As long as he kept it to himself. It was ok. This past year he was on a dating site looking for men. He asked a few to meet. Some were even local and not on his business trips. He told me he only met one at a bar and it was just talking and getting out and getting in touch with his fem side. He swore he didn’t have sex and doesn’t want a disease.
    I told him he must choose or else we will have to live in different homes and try to stay married as there are also financial reasons here as well besides I do love him very much.
    He told me if he had the money he would get a sex change or look into it and once a month he thinks if this.
    But then said its not like he is unhappy either too. I am just incredibly hurt and torn. He promised me he would stay off those sites. Gave me his words etc.
    in all other ways he is the perfect husband to me. Very intelligent and helps me. Doesn’t abuse me or our daughter. He is quiet however and my daughter has been very upset that he seems way too aloof. I know he was inward when we married and has rarely been issue with me.
    He watched too much tv and I have told him its hurting our child…he will cut back only to gradually increase back after I tell him to cut down…
    I feel scared. Please help me… Please! Thank you in advance..

    • Mimi…it sounds like he is gay or bisexual, based on the information you’ve given. You posted this a year ago, so hopefully you’ve been able to resolve the issue. My heart goes out to you.
      I don’t understand why some men choose to get married if they can’t be honest about their sexuality and can’t be faithful to their wives. If I suspected that my husband was being unfaithful OR that he was gay/bisexual OR into wearing women’s clothes, our marriage would be over. Life is too short for that. You deserve a man who can be honest with himself and with you.

  31. anonymous says:

    I have read your post, I have tried to fix things…but I am lonely in my marriage. It hurts so much to be rejected sexually over and over again. My heart is breaking and all I can think about is that it would be better to be alone than unwanted. My husband says he loves me more than anything, says it isn’t me and he isn’t sure what the cause of his low libido is. He spoke to a family doc once 5 years ago with no real results…he won’t go back. The low libido has been an issue for 15 years and it is combined with premature ejaculation. Satisfaction with my husband has been a once or twice yearly event for so long I don’t really remember having a good sex life. When do you call it quits?

    • I’m asking that question myself.

    • Someone says:

      Same here. Once or twice a year and I made the most STUPID mistake yesterday late afternoon/early evening and asked him if he was interested after I told him around 7/8 months ago that I would NEVER ask him again, and I did. STUPID mistake! I looked up why he is not interested today, found this blog, NEVER thinking he would be into porn, and guess what . . . YEP! I looked in the history for YESTERDAY AFTER I asked him, and he went on there TWICE!!!! TWICE!!! He is a recovering alcoholic of 18 years now, but now I have ANOTHER addiction to get through – porn. I’m quitting. I give up.
      It just HURT SO BAD to see that AFTER I asked him and within a few hours he’s on the porn sites. A HUGE slap in my face.

  32. Don’t forget that a verbally, or even worse physically abusive female (i.e an alcoholic) will make a man see her as completely undesirable. No matter how beautiful she aesthetically is

    • ButterflyWings says:

      I don’t know Jon… my ex married the mistress who bashes him on a regular basis. Some people are drawn to abusers. Don’t know why.

  33. Me and my husband have been best friends since met. He has always been my rock and we have been through a lot over 11 years of marriage. His work has always been very important to him and he has always been trying yo get the next promotion and I have always been supportive. Recently his promotion moved us away from all of our friends family and oldest son. He is 18 he is my son from a previous marriage but my husband has his Dad since he was 7. Since have hot here he has become very distance. It’s not just about sex. He doesn’t kiss anymore or even tell me he loves me. I feel so alone I don’t know anyone I homeschool our 8 year old. So I am at home just me and him all day everyday. I love my son very much bit I miss my husband so much that I feel myself getting very depressed. He never initiates sex and I when I try he tells me that he is to tired. I even said something about how he never even kisses me anymore with no resolve. Now he doesn’t even tell me he loves when I tell him I love him. I’m crying all the time. I have no one here. My family is still mad we moved. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

  34. My partner had never had a high sex drive in the 4 years we’ve been together. We had more sex in the beginning, not a lot, not as much as I would have liked. I thought it was becuase he lived with his brother and we didn’t get much privacy. Although I lived on my own, so I know now that privacy wasn’t the issue.
    As we didn’t live together for the first two years of our relationship, I thought perhaps it was because we didn’t see each other every day. So when we finally moved in together, I was hoping it would bring us closer sexually. In fact, it made things worse. Sleeping in the same bed with me always beside him, has made him less inclined to nudge me for a bit of fun time.
    I am almost 36 and desperately want to have children, so it’s a MASSIVE issue in our relationship that he doesn’t want to have sex.
    I am having a realy hard time at work, and no one knows how much of a hard time I’m having at home in the bedroom.
    I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not me but of course when you feel so low, you don’t see reason.
    So I continue, to dress nice, put in my fake smile and keep living each day in emptiness.
    I have spoken to my partner about this, it’s not like he doesn’t know how much I’m suffering.
    It feels like it’s almost some form of abuse by not having sex with me, I am so angry.
    I truly love him but if he doesn’t change his bad sexual behaviour, I will have to leave him.
    Would that make me a bad person?

    Although I don’t see myself ever being with someone else, or ever having children because it takes a while to get to know someone before you have a child with them. As I said, I’m almost 36. So it’s not going to happen. I am afraid I will be miserable forever, as all I’ve ever wanted was a family.
    Thanks for reading my delema.


    • Hi! I have they same problem with you MT. I’ve been married for almost 6 yrs. At first, our relationship was okay. We had sex but not often and it was all my effort. I tried to concentrate to settle down as i came from other countries. Suddenly, my husband completely switched off. I have spoken to my husband about this. He went to his GP, the GP said his testosterone was ok and he saw a psychologist. The GP advised him to give up smoking as he thought because of circulation problems as he couldn’t get an erection. However, until now he is still smoking.He said that he had a psychological problems.I am really worried because all i wanted is to have a family. Also my husband is a lot older than me.
      Sometimes I can’t help myself to be emotional. Now, i thought while my husband is fixing himself, i may study.If ever my husband get his libido back, should i get pregnant straight away or wait for awhile to priority my career.
      What should I do?

    • MT, I can relate…I am only 30 but married at 25. My husband is 44. I am in the same boat. My husband will not have sex with me unless he feels like it, which is once every few months. What you said about wanting children jumped out at me because I also want to have kids, but my husband doesn’t. How does your husband feel about having children? Before I was married, I told my husband that I wanted children and he seemed to be fine with it. Now I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t want them at all…I still love him dearly, but I am very disappointed.
      That might explain the lack of sex in your marriage and mine. After all, sex is the way to conceive children. So I think that maybe some men figure that if they avoid sex with their wives, they don’t have to worry about an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. My husband has dropped hints that he will only be intimate with me again if I decide to use birth control and I can’t for medical reasons. I also don’t want to use birth control because I want to have at least one child. Apparently he never wanted kids at all and instead of being honest with me from the start, he avoids the subject and avoids intimacy completely. That is unfair because I’m still young…I want a sex life and I want a family. I was an only child and I grew up with a lot of abandonment, neglect, and emotional/verbal abuse. Because my husband refuses intimacy and does not want children, I feel like I’m being rejected once again.
      I see girls/women younger than myself who are in happy relationships and it seems like many of them are either expectant mothers, or they’ve had children and seem to be happy with life.

      • Butterflywings says:

        Can you tell him if he’s so insistent on birth control, why doesn’t he go get the snip? He’s the one who doesn’t want kids after all

  35. but what should I do? because we just have 1 year of marriage and we are in our early twenties, this isn’t supposed to happen at this age. I don’t like to masturbate and I don’t even think about cheating on him just for sex, but this makes me sick, at first we used to do it every day, but now is like once a week and just when he wants to, maybe the problem is me but I feel like a hungry man in this relationship I even dream about sex with other people just because he doesn’t give it to me

  36. As I lay here reading all of these posts, tears are streaming down my face. I lay here beside my husband who yet again tonight has turned me down and made another excuse as to why he won’t make love to me. Tonight it was that “his back hurt.” We are both in our late 30’s and have been married for 4 years and together for 6 years. In the beginning sex was wonderful. We couldn’t get enough of each other! And then almost like it happened overnight, he stopped wanting to have sex and started making every excuse under the sun. He has had many issues with porn and we have gone through so much fighting because of it. He promises me now that he isn’t looking at it anymore but with the past issues we’ve had, I don’t believe him. He promises he isn’t being unfaithful in any other way either. This article is wonderful except for one thing…..I don’t want to just be my husband’s “friend”! I have friends to just be my friends. I want to be his lover and his wife!

    • Hi Jessica,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I guess I’d say that if it looks like there’s an underlying reason, like porn, you really have to confront him and deal with it. Maybe go see a counselor, and ask him to come? Or insist that you look at his computer and phone? I’d see a counselor yourself first so you have someone to walk you through the process of confronting him and laying down some firm boundaries, but you really can’t go on like that, and things won’t change until you bring them to a head.

      Blessings to you!

    • I know what you feel Jessica. We have exactly the same situation. But the different is my husband a lot older than me. I thought this only happens to the guys who are in their late 50’s.Now i know it doesn’t matter how old your partner is. It is a very painful experience when we are rejected. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t help to be sad and cry all the time because of this. I do hope there are solutions of these problems soon.

  37. James Dean says:

    My husband has a pornography addiction too and what you say sounds right he never even wants to touch me anymore but if I try to talk to him he only gets mad so pretty much nothing I can do to fix it….

  38. For all of you out there who suffer with a high sex drive and are with someone that has a lower sex drive or no sex drive at all…..Ive found a possible solution. Drink Spearmint tea …….drink it all day long. I use one tea bag over and over. This will lower your drive to where you dont care if he doesnt want sex or not. It really is a very miserable feeling to be horny and get turned down by your significant other all the time. Drinking spearmint tea took care of that frustration for me. Im no longer interested either, so now we are on the same page…and it has restored some harmony to our relationship…as I was always asking for sex and he was always turning me down. …..I didnt think 2 -3 times a week was alot,,,,,but once a month was more his speed……it was driving me crazy……..you can also chew spearmint gum…. just consume spearmint like crazy. You cant make the other person interested. the only person you can control is….YOURSELF.

    • My case was so bad that a psychologist I met advised me to busy myself with a lot of things; career, personal development etc and try to forget the issue of sex, else I may run mad or get depressed. It was very hard at first, infact impossible. My husband’s constant rejection constantly strengthens me. Though my experience started quite early (we are just four years into marriage) I had no other option in other to save my insanity. After having two kids he bluntly tells me that he wants no more kids, (then why the heck should he want sex). I have a better understanding now that sex is psychological. I simply removed sex from my mind and I try to avoid anything that would arouse me. Now we are on same page.

      Today as I write, we have not had sex for 18 months and I careless.

  39. Would my husbands non sexual marriage with his mom be a reason he wont have sex with me? I have asked him whats up and he uses excuses of well you were asleep and that had never stopped him before….

    • I’m not sure what you mean by your “husband’s non sexual marriage with his mom.” Do you mean that he’s too close to his mom?

  40. Let me begin by saying, this is a Godsend…seeing this post-although old, its HEAVEN SENT! I have struggled for YEARS with being the one with the higher sex drive. My husband has never wanted it as much as I have and it has been difficult for me as a women. Mostly because as women we place much value on our spouses desire or need for us. When there is no need or desire there, we feel there is something wrong with us. I have thought that for years-until recently. HOWEVER, this still doesnt change the fact that nothing in our marriage gets better when it comes to sex. Lets just say-when I do indeed get it, its AMAZING!! but…maybe that is why I want it so often??? I dont know. Truth be told, I have often thought something is wrong with me that I want it more….so the tables have turned. I dont have any friends who can relate so running across this post was a nice change. Its good to see there are other women out there like me that are interested in sex with their spouses and want it more than “he” does…..I almost feel normal.! :)

  41. Su Chang says:

    Its kind of a relief to read problems of others which are pretty similar to mine. I am at a point where I even doubt God exists. I prayed, cried… and nothing changed. My husband, the father of my three kids, one day decided to stop being intimate with me. The firs reason was he had a lot in his mind, it has been more than three years and nothing happened. I don’t know what to do, I certainly don’t feel loved, I actually think he hates me, but I don’t want to initiate divorce, so I asked him if he wants me and he said “he is perfectly fine the way we are” I am going crazy. He always travel for work, and he doesn’t want our friends to know about us. What do you think I should do? Please help. Thank you!

  42. We’ll this is happening to me . I’m 20 years old I’m now married to the guy he’s 17 going on 18 in may we been married for 4 months . And he never wants to have sex with me . But before we got married we went out for a year and he love having sex with me . we did 5 times at once he would always come on to me . and now he rejects me I feel so hurt and it got to the point I hate myself so much . He’s not attractive to me he always mentions something negative about my body like oh you have stretch marks on you ass or some thing bad about me . But he tells me he loves me . And it’s shocking cause he’s only 17 how is this possible unless he’s on pills like trimadols . I don’t know what to do . I love him so much maybe if I had bigger boobs or I was a little taller maybe I’m not good enough oh and he dosent watch porn . But I do catch him checking out girls sometimes . I feel hopeless and he did cheat on me when we was engaged with this slut right before she got married . So I broke up with him . Then we got back to gather he begged me to . And now we’re married I love him very much sometimes I feel like letting him go .

    • Sara, it sounds like you have a lot of issues, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you are both extremely young, and you likely really need some guidance if you’re going to form a life together. I’d really suggest going to see a pastor or a counsellor and asking them to help you work through some of these things. I’m not sure how you’re married if he’s underage, but perhaps there are extenuating circumstances. But you really do need someone to walk through this with you, because it seems as if there are a number of things that are really red flags about your relationship, and you likely really need some help. I’ll pray you find some!

  43. please help
    my husband never makes love to me nor is here affectionate he is 10 years my junior and he is never interested.
    he has the same excuse every night too tired. if i press him we argue and he says imsex mad
    we have it like once every 3 months and that is rubbish
    he makes no effort at all never any oral or forplay says it makes him feel sick
    he wont even give me a snog aways says that l do or turns his head to avoid me or says i need to get some sleep
    im so frustrated what can ido?

  44. I don’t know where to start. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 9 years. We get along really good with an occasional argument here and there. But we always make up shortly after. Yes, I am just like many of your other troubling readers.I will admit my life isn’t perfect, my problem is the lack of sex. At the very beginning of our relationship the sex was great. But shortly after, we had sex maybe 15 times if that, a year. He never wants it or even acknowledges it. I am wanting it constantly, but probably because I never get it. When I would show any sign to let me know that I wanted it, he would brush me off and say he’s tired. Which I can vouch for that he is tired. But really never in the mood. I would think it’s me and cry myself to sleep. Now I battle depression. No matter if I was in shape or not it didn’t seem to make a difference. We are both Christians and I trust him. So I don’t understand what’s wrong. We’ve had many many conversations and he acknowledges the facts, but nothing changes. I’ve tried to get him to see a doctor, counseling or even are pastor. No doing. Now this last month I’ve noticed that he masterbates in his sleep, and not just once but almost every night. I’ve tried to make sense of it all, I looked on internet for reasons but not getting the answer that I need. I pray constantly, and I won’t give up on prayer or the LORD. My husband is aware of his sleeping habits, I kind of told him. If you have any thoughts on any of what I told you, it will be much appreciated. It was nice to read the gentleman comments above also to get a male’s point of you also.
    Thanks again.

  45. I am so resentful and angry at my husband because when I initiate he always rejects me. When he is in the mood even if I am tiered or just not in the mood I will give in (and I enjoy it) because I love him. He is a wonderful father honestly he is just amazing with our children. He loves the Lord and he is very helpful around the house. I just feel that when it comes to me there is zero interest. He would much rather spend time with our kids than with me. Sex is hardly ever available. I am extremely resentful that he just doesn’t show any interest in me. We have talked and he has seen a doctor. Stress is not an issue because he has been like that for 6 years. I just don’t know if he loves me. I have put on some weight from my two pregnancies. I just hate the feeling I get from him ignoring me. I just want to hurt him. I am afraid I will call it quits. It’s something I am considering but it’s hard because aside from lack of sex he is a wonderful man. There times when I consider maybe cheating on him just so I can hurt him because I am so angry that I am last in his life.

  46. I have been with my man for five years. Sex has always been an issue for us. It took him a long time to be able to have sex with me and then for a while it was pretty good.Then it stopped again and I found out he was using porn. We have had a lot of fights and it has driven us apart. He has told me that he is not interested in having sex with me. I gained some weight and he called me fat. I have lost some of it but he is still not interested. I have gotten to the point where I am not interested much either as there is no hugging, kissing, touching, etc. When I have asked him about this he says that his needs are the only ones that need to be met. I know he watches and looks at porn but hides it from me. I have gotten very angry over this as I would like to be the one he is interested in. When we end up having sex, it is usually once a month or less and he just does his business in minutes and I am left feeling hurt, used and angry. I have purchased a “toy” but feel dirty using it. I only use it when months have gone by. I have threatened to cheat when frustration has overcome but have not because he is my best friend and I love him very much. I am not sure if he has problems maintaining an erection as sometimes it doesn’t seem to get very hard. But again, I don’t watch him masturbate to porn and he may have no problems then. I am starting to feel very down on myself. He gets angry at the suggestion that there is a problem so talking about it will only lead to a fight. What do I do? I think I could even live without sex if he would show some affection in other ways but he doesn’t seem interested in that. I can’t try to seduce him because I no longer have the confidence to even be naked in front of him. We used to do things together but that has dropped to only doing chores together. He doesn’t want to take me out as it is “a waste of money”. I am trying so hard to make this work but I wonder how long I can. Feeling unwanted and unloved takes a toll on me. I have anxiety and depression and only medication makes it better but it is not removing the sadness anymore. What do you suggest?

    • Hi Dawn,

      That’s so hard, and i can imagine how lonely you must feel.

      I don’t know from your comment, but are you married? If you’re not, then to put it frankly, I wonder why you’re still with him? He watches porn (so he cheats on you), he isn’t affectionate, he won’t talk about it, and he doesn’t show you love. Add these things up, and this is NOT a man that you want to be with. Why be with someone who makes you sad and feel horrible about yourself? The longer you stay with him, the more you’ll sink into depression and the more time you waste with someone who doesn’t even love you. You could be missing out on someone who WILL love you!

      If you’re married, then I’d say this: the porn use must be confronted and dealt with. He will not become more affectionate or more loving, and he will not get over his sexual problems, until the porn stops. He just won’t. It poisons everything. And so he must be told and confronted that he now has a choice.

      I’ve got more information on the effects of porn here. I hope that helps!

  47. Anonymous says:

    I didn’t realize that this problem is as common as it is. My husband is no longer interested in me either. We’ve been together for five and a half years and we’ve had an almost non-existent sex-life for five of those years. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions. Initially, he stopped wanting sex when I became pregnant with our child. He said he didn’t want to hurt the baby. So, even though I knew we weren’t going to hurt the baby, I went along with it and waited until after the pregnancy. After I had our daughter our sex life didn’t change. At first I was very hurt. I constantly initiated sex with him, only to be turned down all the time. He used all kinds of excuses…headache, backache, he’s tired…etc. etc. Got to the point where I thought everything had to be absolutely perfect in order for us to have sex! Later I figured out he was just making excuses. Then I told myself I would never initiate with him again, because the rejection was just too painful. Then I tried looking for ways to lower my own libido. Because I don’t want to cheat on my husband. We have a family and plans for our future. Well, I haven’t found anything to lower my libido. So, I went through a very rough period of fantasizing of being with other men. And other men wanted me! I didn’t tease other men or be forward with them. I just got hit on a lot…and I wear my wedding ring all the time. I didn’t dress provocatively or ask to be flirted with by men by my actions or anything…I could just tell they were attracted to me. But I avoided all this temptation because I don’t want to be unfaithful. It is SO tempting because there are men who are attracted to me and I want a sex life so bad. I resent my husband a lot. I feel like I wouldn’t be tempted if he’d just do the job. I’m at the point where I’m trying very hard to accept things the way they are…but I’m in denial. I can’t help how I feel. I told him that his rejection is causing a huge rift in our marriage and I have to find a hobby or something to distract me from the problem. And that’s all it is…a “distraction”…it doesn’t solve the problem. I’m a Christian woman. I’m ashamed I’ve watched a little porn over the year. I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to do that. If something doesn’t change I’m going to end up cheating and/or divorcing him. These are both big no’s no’s for a Christian woman. I feel trapped. I sleep on the couch now because I resent him. He hates it when I sleep on the couch…and he’s said there’s something wrong with our relationship. All I can think is…FINALLY I got your attention!!!?!?!?! I want to be a good wife but I feel like I have to swallow dirt to do it. Idk what to do anymore.

  48. It is really quite simple in the case if mature men. It us the lack of emotional attraction. After the mid twenties we men stop being driven by hormones and more by intellect and emotion. If your husband doesn’t want to have sex it is because he doesn’t feel close to you. Fix your relationship and the sex will come back.

  49. I would add to #1 that sometimes it’s not a specifically sexual physical problem, like ED, that is causing the low libido. Sometimes, your just really sore from a workout or you’ve got a kink in your back which makes lovemaking a little more difficult.

  50. My husband and i have great sex but it is only when he wants it when i want sex he has no desire for it.And always tells me its not me its him. i am hurt he does this often i have got to the point i dont even try.I just wait till he decides he wants it to keep from getting my feelings hurt.

  51. I’m 21 and my husband is 25. I married my husband at age 18… When we first began dating, my husband confessed to me that he had a habit of viewing pornography and masturbating. I wasn’t surprised because most men struggle with it. So I thought I would help him. Well, while we were dating he did not view pornography. Occasionally he looked at some things he shouldn’t have online (he confessed to me) but he hadn’t viewed pornography at all during our dating years. While we dated, we struggled to stay pure. We failed many, many times. We even separated ourselves from each other for a month at one point. We did have a long distance relationship. One night we were have a deep conversation (among many others) about why he had the desire to view porn. I didn’t understand it. So, I became curious myself… I made the biggest mistake in my life and looked it up on my phone. After that, it became a struggle to not look at it. I even struggled with masturbation for the first time in my life. It then went away for a little while and we decided to get married as soon as he graduated from college. So we did. Several months after we married, we were having a bad season. I had this bad feeling in my gut that something was wrong. Our bond wasn’t as strong and he seemed to be working a lot more than usual. It seemed like work became more important than me. Everytime I initiated sex, he pushed me away. It made me really sad and I felt undesirable. That week, he ended up confessing to me that he had viewed pornography while he was driving to work! An hour commute, might I ad! And in the city with crazy traffic!!!!! My heart broke and I was angry. I was so angry because this is how I saw it: he RISKED HIS OWN LIFE TO VIEW NAKED WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart broke. I felt undesirable. I felt low and worthless.

    A couple months later, one night, I decided that I would view porn again and we would be “even”. Eventually I had him watch it with me because I thought it would make me immune and he wouldn’t have the desire to watch it by himself anymore if he watched with me..
    About three years later, here I am, struggling… I even thought I might be bisexual and I even tried to find a woman to experience with.
    I don’t feel whole and I don’t feel satisfied. I feel so incredibly far from God. I believe i am failure. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want to be a slave to my sin but I feel so lost. I don’t know how to get rid of this desire for it. Can somebody please help me???? I am so desperate. I don’t want to tell anyone but I know I have to. What do I do?? Someone help me

    • I have not received any response… Sheila, would you please delete my comment listed above? Thank you.
      Even if I have received a response, I would still appreciate it if you would delete the comment. Thank you.

  52. Is there a way I can get e-mail updates from you every time you post something new re: love, sex & marriage?

  53. It’s 2 am and another sleepless night. It’s been four years for my husband and I. Been married 25.. He’s under stress from job, worries constantly about our three children and pays for their college, med school private high school, cars, I do not work. He is a very successful giving person who is the best father I have ever seen. Like I said 4 years, I am not overweight, and we always had a great sex life. I get that his desire is hampered by stress, but he has Viagra and has only taken it once with me. The fact that he has no desire to touch, kiss, or even hold my had let alone sex is a horrible, degrading feeling I have been bottling up. Now, I just found another stash of Viagra , bottle had 28 pills and is down to 15. DID NOT QUESTION him about it cause I need more proof, and I don’t know how to approach him about that. Understand that he does everything and gives me everything to make me happy. Please tell me their is another reason beside the obvious to take Viagra. I check his private stash every time he goes out, which is maybe one time a week, but is back within two hours. This time I took the pill that he grabbed tonight because it was in his briefcase wrapped up in a small piece of paper. I want to see how he acts tomorrow. How do I approach this situation. Do I wait and suggest counseling then bring my photos of the pills I take each time I look? Or do I kill him with kindness and hope he tells me something.

    • I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you are worried and why you are worried. Kill him with kindness while doing so. Not sure how he will react, but however he reacts, you just be loving and kind. Be honest and confess what you have seen. Relationships need honesty.

    • Hi Dee,

      I think you absolutely need to confront him. This is really serious. But before you do that, I’d suggest talking to someone yourself first–maybe a counselor or a friend or a mentor, and pray through it. Realize that even though he has been responsible for everything financially in your marriage, you are still a strong person in your own right. God is with you. God can see you through this no matter what. You have to know that and feel it before you talk to your husband, because otherwise you’ll be too scared and needy (which is totally understandable, but counterproductive). Your hope has to be in God, not your husband. No matter what happens, you will be okay. God will see you through.

      Ask God to shed the light on what is going on, and then when you confront him, gently tell him that if he is having an affair, you won’t tolerate it.I’d suggest reading the book Love Must Be Tough, too, because it’s a really good on for women in your situation.

      You can tell him that you are more than prepared to work on your marriage, to make it fun in every way, and to rediscover your sex life together. But you can’t do that while he’s with someone else (if he is), and you won’t share him. You need to have the courage to say that first, and to be at peace with it, before you confront him. So again, talk to someone else, pray, cry it all out, and then you’ll be better prepared to do what needs to be done.

      Prayers for you! I’m so sorry, but I have seen God rebuild so many marriages, and I have full confidence that he can rebuild yours, too!

  54. W e have talked about this situation so many times over the years and I just refused to talk about his with him any more. There have been no changes at all. We are like brothers and sisters and sleep in the same bed but there is no intimacy at all. I have cried and cried about this situation. I have prayed and prayed about this situation. I believe that since he does not have a desire for me that he must be gay. I think he is running away from this and I no where is at all times throughout the day and nights. I believe that when he was younger probably in his childhood that maybe he was aware of that fact and has been running away from the problem. I believe that he may had even has an encounter with a male when he was younger. There is no proof but only my belief. I was the first person he had sex with and he was about 28 years old. Even when we were dating, the warning signs were there because there was hardly no sex at all. When we got married I had to beg him for sex. I begged and begged over the years that I refused to beg now. The first year was difficult because we had sex probably once a week or sometimes once a month. We had one child who was a pound and five ounces at birth. He lived to be eleven years old. The child is what kept us together because I needed help in taken care of him. My son the was so severely multiply impaired and he needed 24/7 care. I did not have the time to think about the lack of sex and after my son passed, the problem existed. We may have had sex maybe 50 times in the last 25 years of this marriage.

  55. Over the last decade my husband worked very very hard at rejecting me sexually. Why would I want to pursue someone further who so persistently defuses my advances? So I stopped. The roles are somewhat reversed now but the memory of it happening, I think, will always be there. I have no more desire.

  56. Hi, I’m Bri.

    I had a question in regards to sex for my husband and I. I had been a virgin my whole life until I met my husband, so I’m a little on the shy side still when it comes to telling him what I like when he asks me.. My husband on the other hand wasn’t a virgin before me and is more vocal. He says it turns him on easier if I can be more vocal for him in these terms, but I just don’t have the courage to do so. But besides that, I have been having trouble though figuring out what to do in a certain situation that comes up every so often. My husband will initiate the mood for sex about half the time, but when he does, he will want me to do something to help stimulate him that I don’t necessarily like. The problem is though, when I tell him I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t seem pleased and other things that I try to do to help stimulate him don’t work, therefore making him lose his drive that he even used to initiate everything. So I’m left sort of in the mood still but angry because he seems to turn selfish by wanting me to do something I don’t want, but if I don’t both of us can’t be stimulated any further. So I have two questions:
    1) What am I supposed to do so that he knows I don’t want to do something I feel pushed to do, without killing the vibe for
    both of us? &
    2) How do I brave up enough to tell my husband what I like for him to do, because he says it helps turn him on more?


  57. Hi there. We had a baby 14 months ago and haven’t had sex since I was pregnant I’ve spoken to him a lot about it but he said there’s no problem he feels closer to.me now.more than ever after having the baby but he’s just not bothered I used to have a real problem with sex before the baby in was embarrassed by the weight I’d gained but I had become really good hense getting pregnant he watched the baby being delivered and I wondered if that caused the issue we’ve had a rough 14months as very little sleep and found adjusting to being parents we are tactile and always hug and cuddle.in bed it’s just sort of disappeared. He’s said before that the fact I am constantly stressed and worried and the house isn’t a relaxing atmospheres is a turn off i think it’s my fault for always looking a mess and the house always being a tip etc I feel I push him away and I’m not a very good wife he has been a bit short with me of late and I often get jealous of his obvious love for our child his kisses and cuddles he gives him he says it’s just not a problem but he used To find lack of sex a problem before I’m totally paranoid he’s going to leave me and I think I drive him mad any advice would be great

  58. Reading this article really helped me feel a little bit more understood.

    I am a 24 year old almost full-time Nanny and I also go to College full-time. My husband and I have been married for over 4 years, we were physically separated for over 2 years because of my Visa application to the US. Now we’ve been living together here for almost 2 years. We are great friends, enjoy each others company, but I feel like sex was an issue from the beginning on. Ever since I moved to the US, he’s not really shown a great libido. We often talked about sex via skype or on the phone where he said we would try and make love at least once a day.
    Well, since months the case is that we actually have sex about once a month or even less. I am the one who initiates and I am also the one who brings it up often, which usually ends in an argument. He’s done a testosterone test, the values are fine. We bought some natural supplements, because he’s had serious erectile dysfunction issues, the doctor he saw agreed to that treatment. He’s been going through a lot of stress, being unemployed several times for several months. But things are finally better in that area, nevertheless he does not want to even TRY. i know I have an attractive body, I am slender and tall, and so I know that it’s not really my fault. I am really at a loss here, I’ve tried all the tricks, encourage him, praise him, make him feel better. But weeks and weeks go by and everything and everybody else is more important. It’s not that the sex is bad, quite contrary once we actually have sex it’s amazing, but once a month is just not enough for me. I told him that numerous times, I have prayed about it, but I would really like any help or advice.

    Thank you

  59. Just read the rules, I bet my first comment won’t get published so let me try again within those confines.

    I’m not interested in having sex with my wife anymore and I’ll explain EXACTLY why.

    1. Physical Problems Can Make a Husband Not Want Sex
    I’m out of shape and she is too. I don’t feel like trying if she’s not going to either. And I’m depressed but my Dr. didn’t think so because I was stoic about it.

    2. Stress/Emotional Problems Can Lower a Guy’s Sex Drive
    Yes, and she has ADHD which presents some unique challenges in getting my needs met. Work, kids, house, bills etc. We are unequally yoked, as some might say.

    3. Lack of Friendship Can Quench Desire
    We get along fine if that’s what you mean. Frankly, that’s not enough for me. Marriage to me means something different, more.

    4. Pornography Use Can Obliterate a Man’s Desire for His Wife
    Porn does affect our relationship now but only because it hurts me to much to see other people having fun together. It was never a problem until this point. It was never unrealistic expectations or some false reality that I tried to hold her to.

    5. Maybe There is No Reason for His Low Sex Drive
    Some people are a-sexual, or so close to it that on a spectrum they seem to be compared to a person on the opposite end. That’s us I guess.

    I refuse to be vulnerable or put time in with someone that is incapable of being responsible with my emotions and needs. So no, I no longer want to be or have intimacy with her.

  60. Dear Sheila,

    I think my situation is a bit different from most of the posts that I have read. You see, I do not want to have sex with my wife, not over porn or lack of a personal sex drive. I do not watch porn excessively, or cheat, I find the whole act overwhelming to me and I feel that I have reached my thresh hold of tolerance, as I am now numb to it. I go by the book, not denying her by giving my wife pleasure, but I am not pleased nor want to be. I know that due to my past before marriage I was molested, and came from a broken home. I understand the logic of why I may be feeling this way, and has sought out help. I have explained to my wife this and she understands but has threatened me with divorce if I give up sex with her ( No pun, I am serious). Every where I turn all I see is, people who have reached out to have sex with me, in front of her even, I have no friends because of this, as it is troublesome. I am devoted to my wife but wish to be celibate in our marriage. Before marriage I educate myself on how to satisfy a women so I would be fully prepared going into a marriage, all the skill that I have has become a chore, another job which leaves me empty not from satisfaction but from the realization that I feel nothing. I tend to her yes and for 15 years have initiated everything for her but I am exhausted in my efforts, for as second nature as they are to me, I would very much like to do with out the stress of it all.
    I know people will say try something new with her, which I have. I have always looked for knew ways to please her elevate her to the next level. For some time pain was my only outlet, this she refused to partake in. Understand I do not Masterbate, or seek companionship from some one else, it was always about feeling which sadly, I do not experience. Pain is no longer satisfying, images nothing, I know I satisfy her but it gets harder and harder to put out when afterwards she wants to tend to my needs, which at this time I do not have. My plumbing works, I just do not want to use it at all. I do not want a divorce as I feel that I am a good provider and husband. I just don’t want for myself. Hope you can understand!

  61. Dear Shelia,

    My problem is that for 3 years I had nearly no sexual drive. My husband’s has a very high sex drive or had. Now that my sex drive has caught up to his he seems no longer interested. He no longer initiates sex I have to. I often wonder if he’s just trying to punish me for my low sex drive in the past. It’s not like I refused him sex completely I just didn’t give in to all advances (which was a daily basis) but we had sex at least once a week sometimes twice. I now also worry that maybe he spent too much time satisfying himself and no longer needs me but I don’t know that for sure. I never just out rightly rejected him either I would often reciprocate in other ways outside of intercourse. He just says no and goes on about his business. My body hasn’t changed much in the past 3 yrs so I’m not worried that he doesn’t find me attractive. I just don’t get it. His sex drive was at full throttle right up until mine kicked in to keep up now his is nil to none. So frustrating and upsetting. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    • Sebrina, that’s so hard! I’ve seen this dynamic in many marriages, too, and many of the men who answered my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex said something similar. Basically, there’s likely one of three things going on: 1. He’s been using porn and masturbation because of feeling sexually frustrated, and he now has retrained his brain to be aroused to an image, not a person, so he has very little desire anymore. In that case, I’d read this post about the effects of porn and this post about what to do if you find out your husband is using porn. 2. He turned his sex drive off because it was too hurtful. I’ve had so many men comment on this–basically what happens is that we women don’t understand that sex is far more than physical to a guy. It’s how he experiences love. If we refuse him, or if we aren’t enthusiastic, he experiences it as rejection. Eventually he just doesn’t want to feel that way anymore, so his body shuts down. This is hard to get over; the only way is to work at building your intimacy again. Build your friendship so the tension is lower so you can talk. Be honest. Talk about what he needs to feel closer. Apologize. Etc. 3. He’s honestly punishing you. This one is the least likely; I haven’t seen it very often, and it would take a lot of willpower to keep it up. So I’d assume #1 or #2 is more likely. I hope that helps!

  62. I am in the same boat as several other women. My hubby and I had a great start, but once we started trying for kids,two years into the marriage, he stopped initiating. It’s been two years since he initiated, and we’ve had intercourse a total of five times this year, and only to try for another kid. Every time I bring up the fact that I am not being sexually satisfied, he gets defensive. I waited a full year before asking him about it, hoping he’d wake up. No lick. After talking about it, he still does not make ti,e for me. He has no time for porn, he’s too into sports or online humor websites. That is one of the only times we’d be together, him showing me funny stuff online. He stopped doing that. He claims he is busy. Worst is that he’s a psychologist, so he knows the importance of this stuff! I gave in to temptation and masturbated a few times, and felt horrible and sought forgiveness. It’s still a struggle not to want it. I had crazy PPD, and maybe that turned him off, because I was so frustrated at him so often. He seriously thought the best time to take as many classes as possible was at the end of my pregnancy with twins. He was never around to help, and acted like a complete absentee husband whenever I needed help. He never said it, but his actions and tone all indicated that he thought I was just being lazy. I wanted to body slam him.We had also moved away from my family, who I am close to. He tells me often that he does not regret it, and it stings every time. I worked three odd jobs before pregnancy, so I know I am not lazy or weak, and we found time then. He just does not make the effort, and I’ve given up asking. Sexy clothes don’t turn him on. Physical affection is a foreign language to him, but he faked it so well when we were engaged. He would give me a foot massage every night! What a lie. I hate not making any progress when I try to talk about it. Every day I want him, and every day I want to leave him.

  63. I just found your site, after googling in severe frustration about the topic. I’ve felt so alone and am sorry for everyone else in the same boat.Thank you for caring so much.
    He won’t go to the dr or counseling, so I don’t know where to turn. Married 5 yrs.He’s 8 yrs. older than me and pushing 60 but had a very active sex life with former live-in girlfriend, even after they broke up. Says he loves me like no other, yet it’s Nov. & we’ve had sex once this yr., initiated by me.Less than 40x TOTAL in the previous 4 yrs. He only likes one position which I find degrading, so it’s his way or no way. No effort to try to give. There’s no loving talk, sensual touch, or sense of intimacy. Always the same and not good for me, although I never criticize. I’ve brought the subject up several times in the beginning & nothing changes, so I’ve been silent for over a yr. I now almost flinch when he kisses me, and I feel more like a sister than a wife on the rare occasions when he hugs me. I did catch him watching porn about a year ago and said, “So you DO have desire, just not for me.” We are living a lie and I’m really starting to resent him. It’s like he’s decided he’s getting old and married me to have someone (a mom) to take care of him, or he’s a closet bisexual. I’ve pretty much given up on things ever getting better. I feel so unwanted and rejected.

  64. I totally agree on this. Thanks for posting this.

  65. Ok here goes whenever me and my husband move to a new place we can’t seem to keep our hands off of each other and we make love frequently and then a couple of months down the road he wants to chsnge it completely and now it seems like he doesnt want to touch me that much anymore and when i talk to him sbout it it goes back for a couple of days and goes right back to where it was at. ehy

  66. Dear Sheila,
    I loved this site. Its like answer to my lot many unanswered questions which I cant personally ask anyone. I firmly believe that you can find a solution for my problem.
    We have been married for 5 years. We don’t have kids till yet. He is not much interested in being intimate with me. He masturbates most of the nights and even sometimes during day time. He never touches me. If I try to hug him or touch him while sleeping, he gets restless and keeps on shifting his sleeping position. Most of the time his hand is on his pxxxx, and keeps on touching it even while watching television. In the last 3 months we had sex only twice, that also for namesake, just to have kids. To begin sex I’ve to touch his pxxxx first then only he touches me. He gets erection but after a long time and that also for shorter period. We had never talked on this subject, so I’m finding it difficult to discuss with him. Is he having any physical problem or is he impotent? I told him to meet a doctor but he is not interested. I am very much interested in sex and it tortures me a lot not to have it. Most of the night I sleep crying. I wish sometimes he would at least hug me when we sleep. He is most comfortable in the company of his friends rather than with me. He laughs and talks with them. But when we are alone he is always quiet. I wanted to end this relationship but as a Christian we are not allowed to do that. Then what do I do! Please help.

    • Honestly, Tina, that sounds like it’s a real problem that I would DEFINITELY deal with before any children come on the scene. It sounds like he either has real psychological issues or that he has porn issues that you don’t know about. His psychosexual development sounds really delayed–that’s strange that he is always touching himself. I think speaking to a trained counselor or psychologist together is necessary, and if he does have some issues, he needs to deal with them. I think this post on being a spouse not an enabler may help you figure out where to go next, too. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope that helps!

      • Thank you for the reply Sheila. I know my husband will not go to a doctor. I just wanted to ask you, is there any future if we go on like this? The more the days go on, I’m feeling more and more depressed. Is there anything personally I can do? He wanted me to take care of him as a mother. But I want a husband not a son. What to do! How to make him serious in life!
        Also wishing you a very Happy New Year in advance!

  67. First of all we were married in the early 60’s, no internet or any fancy blue pills and I’ve learned how to live in the same house as my husband. Marriage was different in the 60’s sex talk was taboo among friends, doctor even husband and wife some times. I do now know from his doctor he has high blood pressure, cholestrol issues and probably E/D don’t know if this affected him when he was much younger.
    My husband hated sex, porn, gays as long as I can remember. We had sex once and that’s all and we hadn’t done any thing intimately for 47 years. We didn’t have kid’s ;he didn’t like them and to this day hates everything and that includes me. He told me it was my fault to suggest we have sex,something to him was gross and disgusting and couldn’t understand what the big deal was. His doctor even mentioned this problem to him and my husband told him its none of his business. He moved to our basement and has lived there all these years and also worked the midnight shift. When he retired he changed again this time his appearance, now has shoulder length straggly hair and beard to match also he wears old holey 60’s type clothes. And he built a garage out back on our property that has an apartment attached and I have the house to my self. Me personally I see a shrink an stay away from the house as much as I can. In my mid to late 60’s and I honestly don’t care any more. As far as I’m concerned men do not exist any more. I have felt sad disappointed and clueless!

  68. natalie cartmell says:

    I have had similar goings on recently. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We had a very passionate and world wind relationship prior to getting married, he put me on a pedestal and adored me. A year after getting married and now expecting a child, i found out he was having and affair with a woman on the same camp. He denied it for a year. I took him back because I couldn’t face raising a child on my own. He showed remorse for a period of time, but then soon resented me for not trusting him.

    Two and a half years on we still argue all the time, yet we both still in love, or so he says. He claims he couldn’t live with out me and says he adores me, yet I still have an element of doubt.

    Recently he admitted to me he was depressed at work and was seeing a gp and MH nurse. He started medication abd since we haven’t had any intamacy whatsoever. When i mention it he chabges subject or is sarcastic or reverts it on to me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I would prefer if he would either admit he wants a seperation rather that keeping up with this charade. Any advice would be awesome.

  69. anonymous says:

    Before we were married my wife to be at the time mentioned to me that she thought sex could become an issue between us. Her view of sex, due to influences in upbringing was, dim. My thought was, “that’ll change”.

    There were moments, but overall, it didn’t change all that much. Sex has been the issue between us for 20 years. Historically, she has been LD, me HD. Also, neither of us was a saint in the matter, however, by my measure I hold the greater sin. No excuse by any stretch, but I felt rejected and alone in my own marriage and anger was the easy path. I got angry over it all and was the shutdown angry guy so for a number of years. Her dim view of sex grew worse at my hand and sex became an obligatory duty. No fun for either.

    I am not the angry guy any longer, my wife has seen the change in me, and would like to change the situation. I think my wife is bold and courageous, and I commend her. But, … I find my drive has all but vanished. Physically, I am in good health. Porn does not interest me, nor am I stressed. My wife is gorgeous. But I am no longer interested.

    As I mentioned, I think my wife is courageous in approaching this, but I can tell she has no real interest in sex, nor desire for me. She wants to ‘fix’ something, but what really sparks her interest is shopping, food, friends, the kids, hobbies, … a myriad of other things. Bring up in conversation or engage in one of these other things and her spark rises to the occasion. Sex is really near the bottom of her list (she has told me so).

    Wanting to fix this, at her request, recently we started on your “31 Days” book. I can see the apprehension on her face and in her countenance when we meet. When I see that, the whole thing feels forced, I just don’t want to be there. I have just grown indifferent to the whole thing and in my head just written off intimacy with my wife. I have learned we can be good friends if physical intimacy is not in the picture. Tonight we have an exercise from your “31 days” book to complete and I am looking for any excuse not to be there or put it all off. I know it’s ridiculous, but I actually found myself hoping something breaks around the house that requires my attention tonight.

    In my case, and another reason to add … After years of rejection and feeling alone in your own marriage, intimacy not being important to the wife, and watching sex become the major issue between two people driving them apart, you just lose interest in it and don’t want to play anymore.

  70. I have been in a sexless marriage for 23 years! I am fed up, and sick of it. We did not make love on our wedding night, and only a couple of times a month when we were first married, until I agreed to have a baby, which was only 5 months after we were married. He could not keep his hands off of me, as well as when I was pregnant. After our daughter was born nothing! and I mean nothing! 3 years ago I told him I wanted a divorce, or counseling. He agreed to counseling, but when I asked him if he has been having affairs, he told me no. So I asked him what he was doing because it was not normal for a man to go with out sex, he told me he had been pleasuring himself in the shower all these years!!! When I was begging, pleading, crying, and trying to do everything I could to get him to talk, interact, and be interested in me. We did counseling, together the counselor suggested he go on his own, he went 3 times. Then he asked me for a divorce a year ago at the end of this month January 2015. We talked ourselves out of it. He again agreed to see counseling for his issues, he went 3 times, and has refused to go! I am at the end of my rope, it is not just the no sex, after 23 years the man still doesn’t know anything about me. He can’t even tell me what my favorite food is. I have had it, and I am ready to get out.

    Thank for listing to my rant!
    anonymous says recently posted…Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge of 2015My Profile

    • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. That is totally not okay. Your husband has walled himself off from real intimacy and likely has some serious psychological/spiritual issues that need to be addressed. I’d point you to this post: are you a spouse or an enabler? It may help clarify your next moves. Again, I’m so sorry.

  71. Christian Wife says:

    My husband and i have been married for 14 years now. Our sex life was okay during the first 2 years i think but it slowly diminished as time went by. I swear that that 99% of the time sex in our marriage would only happen if i initiated! When we had a talk about this he said that it’s because his job is tiresome and maybe it will change when he resigns from work. I believe with all my heart that my husband is a godly man and a man of integrity. A man who vowed not to look at women lustfully..not until recently.. Several years ago he was one of the preachers in our church but there was a time that the leaders in our congregation decided to removed from his position as a preacher because they said he is just too deep in his preaching and people just find his preaching too intense. Which i believed REALLY damaged his faith. A year after that he stopped attending church and said he’d be better off if he will just be with God alone than with people who are too shallow when it comes to their understanding of the Bible.(he went to a seminary school and could read and understand Hebrew and Greek). that was two years ago. In a span of 3 years i cant remember if we ever had a sex life! Maybe two or three times and i swear it’s initiated by me. Just last Sept-December last year he was really different. He became a very difficult person to deal with not only to me but to our two children as well. By November i saw some text to a woman im not familiar with and his texts to this woman is something like this..I enjoy talking with you, I appreciate you,etc. Words that i have longed to hear from him for several years. When i confronted him about it. He went to attacked me instead of apologizing. He said in his mind our marriage is over because i am not a supported wife to him, that i don’t know him and that i am no longer attracted to him. And he will really replaced me if i don’t change! Hearing those words really crushed me! I felt lost, unloved and disillusioned. All i could do is to cry out to God and find support from a few trusted women in our church. In my panicked i did everything he asked me to do. Encourage him everyday. And even supported him in his desire to resign from work because he said he hates his work so much and to my shame even watched documentary on different sex position(since i am ignorant about these things prior to our marriage. Nor watched ex rated film in the past) I read Dr. Dobson’s book about love must be tough so i talked to him and told him that although i honor my vow to God, but i can’t tolerate his emotional unfaithfulness. And i cant tolerate a man who would rather masturbate than have sex with me.( He confessed days several weeks when i told him im setting him free) He also said thank God he doesn’t struggle with pornography and that he only masturbated to helped him released He promised to change. He starts going to church with me and the children but still do not want to have sex with me! After we had our date nights and after three sex that was initiated by me. He seems not to be attracted to it again. Three times i initiated and three times he turned me down. He would say his not feeling well or he’s just tired. I even tried my best to be attracted to him. I go to my zumba classes almost everyday and make myself attractive to him. Give him massage. Text him everyday at work But he still not interested. I am very open to him about what i feel. But he will just tell me maybe when he is not longer working with his current company maybe it will change. PLEASE HELP ME! I don’t know what to do anymore! He is also not interested to have counselling. By the way, as part of his repentance just last dec 31 he told this christian woman he was having an emotional affairs with to stop communicating with him and he erased all her contact information. And since then they have never communicated at all. Praise God for that! I just hope that he will also repent in the area of our sexual intimacy that i really believe have been our problem for 10+years!

  72. I just came across this article, obviously a bit late like some others… My husband and I are both 35 and have only been married 4 yrs. I’m 5’5, 120lbs, after having kids have had a tummy tuck & boob job, I’m now a 34DD. Only giving description to show that I take care of my appearance. Most people think I’m around 22-25 years old. I get checked out a lot and stared at in public, and NOT for dressing like a slut! So, even though other guys obviously find me attractive my husband won’t hardly have sex with me at all. *IF* it’s once a week I’m lucky, and even then I usually don’t get to orgasm so I’m left so frustrated and upset I don’t know what to do and sometimes even cry myself to sleep. He claims it’s his age, which I call BS because I know guys way older that have sex all of the time. Intimacy is a huge deal for me in the relationship in feeling connected beyond just the physical level and I really feel like so much has been taken away. When we first started dating we had sex several times a day… Now I know that in the beginning of a new relationship things are always hotter and they simmer down. But I feel like I’m on ice and only get heated up for special events. I feel I’m too young to be having this type of issue in a relationship. I’m tired of it. I’ve tried discussing it with him but it’s pointless.

  73. My husband and i have only been married for 2 year’s..when i first got with him our sex life was pretty good but that wasn’t his main goal..he took me on a 27 day trip across Canada the very first time i seen him in person..now were together 24/7 cause hes from Canada and cant work till he gets a visa. I always want him but all he does is snuggle and tell me he loves me at least 10 times before i go to sleep..even during the night he’ll say it..but he never just wants me..maybe once or twice a month without me asking..and he says that sex isn’t based on love, that, that isn’t important in a relationship..i feel so unattractive and down a lot..i know love is more but it hurts not to feel wanted..:(

  74. Weighed Down says:

    My husband has communicated with me that my weight affects his sex drive. He doesn’t want me to look like a Victoria Secret model-but to see that I care about my weight and health. Why doesn’t anyone tell us as women that the way we look or keep up with ourselves matter too?

  75. i have been married for 7 years now. my husband and i have been together for 9 years. before marriage our sex life was great. almost two years after the marriage sex life hasn’t been so great and it has deteriorated ever since. we have tried talking about it, finding a solution, working on it but nothing has given the answer. my husband tells me what he likes what he does not but when i tell him what i like and my turn ons and stuff he gets touchy and hardly makes any effort. over the course of time needless to say the frequency has decreased and quality has diminished..the act itself has become very mechanical.
    so why i am on this post as my husband is an avid porn watcher..i mean whenever he is home he is either sleeping or watching porn. before our marriage porn never came into the picture but few months into marriage he brought porn into the bedroom ..i participated untill it got too much and i told him that i do not like it and it turns me off ..i felt like a subordinate to him just listening to him enacting what he was watching..just like a tool ..zero pleasure no orgasm..felt like a machine and very disrespectful.
    i shared my feelings with him ..he did get upset and told will not ask me to do that again but the frequency of intercourse decreased sharply after that. all his devices .you name it..iphone,ipad,PC, PS full of porn..talked about it to him.he tells me it is just for pleasure not to disrespect me any way..denied addiciton. I finally lost it when i found about he was doing dirty talks on the phone and chats stuff.i dont know what exactly it is called. if i ask him he tells me he is tired, goes to sleep or just tells me to blow him off and then finally comes inside me..nothing for me..no fondling, no caressing, no touching,lately he does not even look at me I MEAN NOTHING..HE NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THIS
    So now my esteem is at extreme low, i know pretty much i am in dead relationship but i have a kid..and i seriously love this guy. he spends all his time in the bathroom now..i mean hours, frequent hourly visits ..many times caught watching porn. i know a guy cannot go without sex for that long and think he is getting his needs fulfilled outside. I dont know what to do. whenever i want tot talk to him he tells me he is the one who is sex deprived because i dont understand his needs. all he wants is porn and BJs..thats it. he never feels and thinks that i have my needs too that i also need some pleasure. he wants me to be a dirty horny whore like..but i am not that i just cant be it is a huge turn off for me..i feel like a sex slave

  76. natalie says:

    My husband spent years telling me he hated sex with me and preferred to masterbate because I was disgusting and repulsive, he regularly rejected me and immediately after the rejection would masterbate to beautiful women on TV, ads, internet or fantasies. Obviously this was devistating for me, i often felt like i wanted to melt into the sofa or blend into the wall, i would be frozen with a sort of panic and embarrassment and just wanted to disappear, vanish, i didnt want him to see me. per his request I stopped asking for sex. The past few years he has made many changes and has worked hard to be a loving husband though I still continue to feel deep rejection each time we go weeks or months and he does not initiate sex. I do attempt to do things sexually but he will say things like the on my reason he became errect was because I was leaning on his thigh, and reject me,after I had just spent 5 min. Rubbing him. He still masterbates but just lies about doing it now. He seems so loving in so many other ways but knowing that just because he doesn’t say it anymore he still continues to be disgusted by me is defeating and painful. I have lost piles of weight, tried using makeup, hair do’s and cute new clothes etc. To try and appeal to him but can’t seem to even get a smile or comment that I look nice. In fact it reminds me of his comment, “it doesn’t matter what I do its all like putting lipstick on a pig”. I realize I must leave the past behind and he has made so many wonderful improvements in our relationship but I can’t seem to avoid getting so incredibly hurt and jealous of the beautiful women he enjoys and the feelings of wanting to leave him simply for the fear of not being good enough and feeling like a fool for trying or even thinking I could come remotely close to being attractive. My husband is very attractive and I have never been. I pushed the relationship in the beginning, he tried to avoid me usually, I often bribed him with items, trips and the idea of a comfortable life, I’ve never felt good about that because I spent years knowing he was only with me for the financial stability I provided. I do think he has learned to love and appreciate me but has not been able to be physically attracted to me. During sex he has to masterbate to get errect enough to engage and keeps his eyes closed otherwise he gets too soft quickly. I know I can not change him, but I am looking for ways to learn to rebuild my confidence, love myself as I was created and accept him for who he is at the same time as not allowing myself to boil with envy, jealousy and hate toward beautiful women my husband finds attractive as well as learn to soften the feelings of devistation, disapoinent, rejection and the impulse to want to retreat and pull away from him.

  77. Hi, first post for me. My wife and I have been married for 2years now. We have been together for 8 yrs total. I care about my wife and would never hurt her intentionally. Over the 8 years we’ve been together I’ve been shot down, or “allowed” to make love to my wife at least 50 times more than my wife has “participated” in the love making. Which has always bothered me. Recently I was crushed in a machine at work and underwent emergency back surgery. I have gained 50lbs, am hardly mobile, rarely shave, and my overall appearance is nowhere near my normal self. Prior to the accident i wanted my wife every day and bothered her often multiple times per day to do the deed. Now for I’m sure plenty of reasons i can go weeks or even more than a month at a time without even thinking about my wife sexually. Essentially the roles have been reversed and my wife has become the sexual aggressor. She will not accept no for an answer even though I’ve told her I’m tired, I’m in pain, i had a terrible day, etc. I let her do her thing and assist where i can, but she hates that i don’t often get into making love anymore, it has caused a lot of arguments and somehow i am still the bad guy even though she got what she wanted all along. I feel she is being far more selfish than i could ever have even imagined to be when it comes to this, especially since this isn’t me anymore, i don’t see the same man physically when i look in the mirror, and i wonder if this is what is driving her sudden increased sex drive? If my wife even suffers a tummy ache i am going out of my way to ease her pain…she has no mercy in my 1and only time of need. I must admit after holding this power of sex over my wife i feel terrible and understand even less about the mind of a woman. I don’t refuse her or get upset when she wants sex, and even though i haven’t had a release in weeks i still treat her the same. In my mind though i am getting frustrated with her and wanting to spend less time around her. I guess i feel like she is being heartless towards me and my feelings still matter not when it comes to sex. I would never cheat on her but I’m starting to think marriage vows are either misinterpreted by the opposite sex or maybe it’s just her? Either way, if divorce is in our future I’m not sure it would differ with another woman, should i just suck it up and it be one more “thing” for me to deal with?, or does anyone have a good way to approach my wife with my dilemma?

    • Hoping to hear a response, but just being a little impatient I guess lol…i would love to hear a woman’s perspective on this as I am eager to understand my wife’s intentions, I love her and hope to grow from this experience, but need a point in the right direction?

  78. “But more than anything, you’ll just have to learn that this is the man you married. Get your peace in God, work in your friendship so you don’t feel emotionally rejected, and learn to love him anyway.”

    Is that really what it boils down to? If your husband won’t have sex with you….your stuck?

    Where is the husband’s responsibility?

    Is with-holding or avoiding sex not a type of unfaithfulness?

    I’d love to know your thoughts.

  79. I don’t know if there is anyone to read this, but I have an opinion. I, too, have a low sex drive. I haven’t been tested because I don’t think it is physical with me, but mental and emotional.

    Solomon once wrote: A quarlesome wife is like a leaky roof in a rain storm. In other words: a wife that likes to argue or put you down, is a pain in the butt. I’m a porn addict. However, I think to say that porn is the main culprit is a little bit of a stretch. Nothing irritates me more than to be in a church and hear the pastor harp on men and let the women skate right on by.

    What if the pastor spent an entire sermon focusing just on the woman’s place and role in a marriage? What if he didn’t let women skate by? Women today want to have a roll in church affairs. They want to speak, teach and have ministries. But the minute a pastor puts the onus on them, why they’d run him out.

    I apologize if this seems cruel or mean hearted, I’m a jaded man.

    For me, not having sex with my wife is a way of protecting myself. It keeps me from not being vulnerable. Throughout our relationship, even before we got married, my wife has never respected me. Even though I have never demanded she get a job, I’ve begged and borrowed just to make her happy. I’ve worked third shift for ten years, and for many years (I want to say right up until this year), I have been the one to go to work and come home and clean the house. On mornings that I didn’t clean, I would ask her to do it. She would say shed try. Try would always result in me having to get up and do it.

    She could tell I was upset, and when she’d finally drag it out of me, I’d hear things like: if you wanted someone to clean everyday, you should’ve married someone like your sister; or, I’m sorry I’m a bad wife; and my personal favorite, “shut the f— up.”

    A couple of years ago, I tried selling a car to a neighbor’s friend. I didn’t know that he was an ex con. After it didn’t work out, he threatened me personally. Even after I’d gotten the cops involved, my wife still wanted to try and sell the car to the guy on a premise of a lie. Why? Because she felt bad.

    Here was a guy that had told her husband to watch his back, and she felt bad for the guy? She only halted her idea when I threatened to kick her out if she decided to go through with it.

    When I was 18, I slept with a 33 yr old. This was long before I knew of my wife’s existence. About a year ago, we were at her aunts salon, when my wife decided to run me down for it and join them in making fun of me. I had my wife, her aunt, her aunts friend, and a female massage therapist laughing at me!

    Now, my wife wants to “respect” me. She wants to clean house and help a burnt out husband. We have three boys, two of them autistic. Anyone that has raised special needs kids knows how difficult it can be. That, and my wife’s disdain for me, just compounded the problem.

    Now that she’s doing all these things, she thinks the hardness of my heart should erode away. One act of kindness should erase years worth of pain and torture.

    I’m not beyond helping around the house or with the kids. But damn it! Give credit where credit is due. Any woman who has done to her husband or worse of what my wife has done to me and your husband doesn’t give you sex, you get what you deserve.

    By the way, we are both 31, and average sex a few times a month.

    • Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty and openness. I feel I can sympathize with you in many ways. I spent many years as the sole provider while my husband spent his days surfing the internet, getting drunk or watching t.v. during this time, he also reminded me regularly how “disgusting” and “repulsive” I was and how much better masterbating was. I of course was hurt by this, and when I tried to express it I was told “get over it” or “stop feeling sorry for myself”. I attempted to initiate sex often and was most always rejected on the basis of an excuse like: I’m not horny,I’m tired, I don’t feel good, the kids are home (they are gone every other weekend), I’m trying to watch tv, ect. I do have a high sex drive but mostly because I long for the intimacy of my husband and well, I’m also VERY attracted to my husband. It has been very devastating to my self esteem and when I have tried to express that, it is met with ” nobody controls how you feel about yourself, only you can do that”. After living this way for several years, my husband made many incredible changes to his behavior and over the past couple years when I mention things he has said as a response to why I feel the way I do about myself in regards to my perception of what he thinks of me, he denies he has ever said or done anything like it. Says I’m making it all up and I need to get over myself. Of course friends and family can testify they’ve heard him say these negative things, I choose not to argue the symantics of the past because I don’t want to fight, I want to honestly express my concern and pain so we can work to heal, not blame and judge. As a result of years of abuse, I am not at all comfortable initiating anything sexual, I sometimes ask if its been a month or more, but then by the time he can “get around to it”, I feel so pathetic, unwanted and insecure I try to avoid it, our sex is terrible, its like he is doing a chore, the exact same every time, boring, fast with absolutely no enthusiasm, passion or fun what so ever. He has to masterbate to even get hard enough to have sex which I attribute to him still being disgusted by me; the only difference is he doesn’t say it to me anymore. Anyway, I say this because I attribute a large part of our sexual difficulty to pornography, fornication and unrealistic expectations. I as a woman can not compete with a playboy centerfold or stars from a porn flick. It feels so unfair. I can’t afford hair and eye lash extensions, fancy good quality makeup or expensive clothes not to mention all the surgeries to perfect my breasts, sculpt my abs or round out my butt. How can I blame my husband for not being attracted to an image of me when he spends so much time looking at the well sculpted/airbrushed images of ” perfection” in comparison. Of course he doesn’t need or want to come to me when he has that. In my opinion using pornography as apposed to your wife is no different than cheating as is fantasising about another woman while having sex with your wife so, if those are the circumstances in which my husband will have sex with me, I’d like to prefer to pass. Often times, I feel very negative toward my husband for these things but don’t feel I can express it because of his defensiveness so I tend to fault find and nag about other things to try to release some of that anger and resentment without putting my feelings out there to get rejected or belittled. I also nag about other things to try andmake him realize i am smart or i n control so he would see my value as a smart, strong compitant woman and maybe then hed want me, and some of the time I nag is to get him to notice something is wrong and ask me or even sometimes “beg” to know why I’m upset so that its not ALWYS me that’s bringing up a problem so when he says why do you always have to have a problem, I can say “I didn’t have a problem, you insisted we talk about a problem” even though I really did have a problem I wanted to take about but feared the subsequent judgment. Anyway, I hope this made sense. I realize every relationship is different and there is no way to express EVERY issue that lead to your porn addiction or dissatisfaction in marriage but, maybe your wife is acting the way she is for more reasons than you are aware. Maybe some questions could be asked like: is there a reason you dont help maintain the house? Did you realize that you hurt my feelings and self esteem when you, your aunt and friends made fun and laughed at me, do you respect me? What can I do to help build your respect for me? Also, to a large degree my husband is correct, the actions of others should not be an excuse or dictate my responsibility in how I treat others either. I know this is all easier said than done. We’re you a porn addict before meeting your wife? How does your addiction to porn relate to your feelings for your wife? I struggle to understand or comprehend how my husband can say he loves me while masterbating to images of other women because for women sex is sooo connected to emotions. Any help to understand would be greatly appreciated.

      • Natalie, I hope that this message finds you. Not that I believe what I say will shed so much more light on things, but because I don’t want you to feel as if you’re alone.

        From what you say about your husband, it sounds like he has struggled with addictions other than just porn. Since your last post, if things haven’t improved, get in touch with a counselor, probably on your own, or join a support group.

        As for me. The first time I watched a porn was when I was nine yrs old. My dad wasn’t exactly wise about where he hid them. My sisters and I stumbled upon them. It didn’t latch on to them, but it sure as hell did me. I still remember the first scene I watched and all the others. They are indelibly marked in my mind.

        The thing about alcoholics, drug addicts and porn addicts is this: we are a sorry lot of people. We’re sorry for the things we do, the mistakes that we’ve made and the people that we’ve hurt. And yet, give us a certain amount of time and we fall back into the same pattern. Its hard to look yourself in the mirror sometimes.

        When Waylon Jennings finally kicked his twenty-year drug addiction, they asked him what excuse he could give for it. He said that he could blame it on fame and fortune, being on the road all the time, but the greatest excuse was stupidity. He said that when you’re on drugs, all you’re doing is chasing the high you felt the first time you did it.

        With porn addicts, that’s all were doing. Chasing a high. Chasing a feeling. I won’t lie. Its exciting to see a porn for the first time. But after that, all you’re doing is pouring garbage on top of garbage. People who read this can judge me, but walk a mile in my shoes.

        So, you see? Women a lot of the times think that they aren’t pretty enough for their husbands, and they get schooled by people who have never dealt with addiction. Its not about you or them-it’s about the feeling. The thrill.

        I hope this helps.


  80. Sheila, if you’re still out there, why is it the majority of comments you replied to on here are by women? Come to think of it, I don’t recall seeing you giving condolences to any men, myself included. Just a thought.


    • Hi Waylon, it’s just that this blog is for women. I’m really not equipped to speak to men. I know a lot of men end up here, but my ministry is more to women, and while I welcome men reading the posts, I really think that men seeking out advice from other men is better. I do have a post on great Christian blogs for men, and I do hope that that helps.

      Also, because this is primarily a woman’s blog, if the comments are focused on men and their unique issues, then it turns the blog away from its purpose. I hope you understand, and I really do wish you well.

  81. Butterflywings says:

    I’m sorry Waylon could you explain to me how women disciplining women and men disciplining men is favouritism? Yes, it could be considered segregation but how is dividing women’s ministries and men’s ministries a bad thing?

    Like it or not, there are some things that women and men should not be discussing with someone of the opposite sex (unless of course it is their spouse). That’s one of the reasons there are men’s and women’s ministries. It’s not to “segregrate” things. It’s to protect anyone from accusations of inappropriateness. It’s the same reason most churches have policies about adults not being alone with children etc. For example, having a pastor (male) discussing sex issues with a married woman could lead to either temptation or ugly rumours. Having women preach to women, and men preach to men, is not a bad thingd if done properly.

    You asked “women want to belittle their husbands, put them down, have people laugh at them and poke fun at them, and then want their sexual desires met?”… isn’t that the nature of most selfish people, men and women? There are many people, male and female, who want to belittle their partners, laugh at them, even outright abuse them (not just emotionally, but sometimes physically and sexually too), and yet still expect their spouse to meet their desires, whether that desire be sexual, financial, doing the housework etc. It’s pretty awful, but these people (both male and female) exist.

    Surely you can’t be upset that Sheila is telling women to make sure NOT to belittle their husbands? Wouldn’t you be happy if there were more women like Sheila preaching to women to respect their husbands?

    I understand so well what you’re saying about favouritism in churches. More than you can imagine. But it’s not the issue at hand here.

    Where there is a particular issue, it needs to be addressed from all sides. The issue being discussed is why men refuse sex. That’s why ALL the common reasons why men refuse sex are discussed. Sometimes it is because they are being belittled, sometimes it is because the man has a health problem (mental or physical), sometimes it is because he has a porn addiction or other issue. Telling women to respect their husbands, offering advice on how the woman can help where the man has a health problem, and offering sympathy where the man’s sin is the cause… when addressing it from all sides (woman’s sin, man’s sin and where neither is sinning), how is there any favouritism?

    Women who do belittle their husbands definitely need calling out, but women who are being deprived of sex because their husbands have addictions, do need sympathy. I hope you can understand?

    • Yes, exactly. I did delete a few comments, so your comment now looks like it’s in the middle of nowhere. I just want this post to be for women whose husbands are refusing sex, and I’d like the comment section to reflect that, too. If people want to talk about other issues, they really are free to go to other posts that address that, or to follow the link I left above for great Christian blogs for men, too.

Comment Policy: Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. Any comment that espouses an anti-marriage philosophy (eg. porn, adultery, abuse and the like) will be deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are replying to another commenter, please be polite and don't assume you know everything about his or her situation. If you are constantly negative or a general troll, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Sheila Wray Gregoire owns the copyright to all comments and may publish them in whatever form she sees fit. She agrees to keep any publication of comments anonymous, even if you are not anonymous on this board.


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