126 responses

  1. Lori
    September 14, 2011

    I totally agree with you that pornography is the main culprit. It is terribly destructive that is why we MUST warn our sons about it when they are young.

    • Jed
      January 12, 2014

      Lori,

      I disagree with your post. In some cases, pornography can negativelyimpact a relationship. In my case, I married a woman with a low sex drive. Prior to our marriage she struggled with this issue; she often told me that it would change. It changed for the worse! Pornography is the only sexual outlet I have without physically cheating on her. The person you marry will never change. If a spouse tells you different, he/she is simply not accepting the truth.It is not fair for neither individual. My advice, marry a person with the same sex drive as you!

      Jed

      • Sheila
        January 12, 2014

        Jed, I understand how difficult it is to be married to someone who withholds sex. However, to say “I have no choice but to sin” is not valid. There is ALWAYS a choice, even if it’s a difficult one. You can choose to do the right thing, and in doing so God will help you grow your character and your love. No, it’s not fair that she withholds. But to say, “without porn I would have to cheat” isn’t right either. Many people live a celibate life, and not be choice. But they do it. It is possible. And 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that there is no temptation that we can face where God also doesn’t offer a way of escape. I pray that you’ll find the grace and strength to do the right thing, and to help your wife get counseling for whatever is at the root for her problem.

      • Anonymous
        February 10, 2014

        I agree with Sheila – PORN IS NOT THE ANSWER. I’ve been battling with porn addiction for such a long time and am seeing how much it affects my wife’s desire to want to be with me. I’ve lost her trust and in addition, her interest in being close. My feeling is that maybe the wife’s lack of interest or drive in the bedroom is because she doesn’t feel she can live up to the unrealistic expectations pornography places on her. I have hope that things will get better for my relationship and hope for you too Jed.

      • Dawn
        May 19, 2014

        I couldn’t see a way to post a comment….My situation is this. I have been married for 13 years. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship. I can honestly say that I am happy most times and have very little to complain about my husband. He is a godly man who loves the Lord with all his heart and a wonderful father to our children. The one issue that keeps coming up is sex. He is 17 years my senior and since our wedding, his desire has been lacking. He says his libido has always run on the lower side, which I have accepted, however, it has been very hard to only recieve when he felt like it. I am the only one who initiates and 99% of the time, I am turned down. We were in somewhat of a pattern of Saturday night being our night for sex. He refuses to have sex any other day. Unless, we were tired, he didn’t feel like it, his stomach wasn’t feeling well, etc. Sometimes we go for a month or month and a half before we come together for sex. I am a very high touch person and need touch. I touch him all the time. He only touches me if I have another talk with him about my need for touch. That lasts for a few days and then he stops agian. The few times he has been more interested in sex is in the morning. Usually on a Saturday or Sunday and our kids are awake in the living room. Not bad, if we were doing it more often, and we had a quicky. I cannot orgasm knowing my kids could knock on the door or hear us. But, if I have sex with him at that point, it will be a week or more before I can have the sexual encounter I would like to have to reach orgasm. Even though I tell him that I would like to “finish” this later, he never follows through. When we do have sex, either at night or if the kids are out, it is really great. He is unselfish and makes sure I am taken care of before he finishes. I tell him all the time how much I enjoy our time together. I have always told him that I would love to have sex a little bit more often and would also appreciate it if he could initiate some times. He just says that that’s not him…..so I am left to take what he will give me. This past weekend, on Saturday, we had a nice day, we were flirting with one another throughout the day and I was looking forward to our evening time alone. After we put the kids to bed, I raced over to him and said, ok, lets go!! He looked up at me and rejected me again…..I was so hurt, again. The rest of the night, he didn’t talk to me. We usually pray together before we go to sleep and he didn’t even do that. The next morning he woke me up and told me he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. He left our bedroom door open and I don’t know if our daughter heard any of our conversation. She came in to give me a hug and say good morning and he used the distraction to jump out of bed and leave. He didn’t speak to me all day. He had to leave for work that afternoon and did say goodby and kissed me on the cheek……..something he knows I hate! In the brief conversation we had, he said that he doesn’t like women telling him what to do. He said he enjoys sex with me but can’t get past the resentment he has for this Saturday night routine we have. He doesn’t like that sex it expected on Saturday or at all. I asked him if it was because of the weight I put on recently, (I was on a few rounds of steroids and another medication that made me gain 28 lbs. I have lost 5 so far and am continuing to work until I am back to my previous weight.) he said no. I asked him if he still wants to share a bed with me and he said yes. So, now he is gone for work and may not be home for a day or two. He didn’t call me yesterday and I don’t think he’ll be calling me today. I have prayed about this issue our entire married life and it has been the one area we fight about. Now he is withholding. I have never told him what to do in regards to sex, so that statement really doesn’t make sense to me. If I am expecting sex on Saturday night, it’s because he refuses to have it any other time, and Saturday happened to be the day he would do it. I guess that’s how that routine got started. So, if I cannot expect to have sex with my husband, what am I supposed to do?

      • Sheila
        May 19, 2014

        Hi Dawn,

        I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this. I can just imagine how heartbroken you are. It is awful.

        A few very quick thoughts: Figure out what the cause of his low libido is. It is not normal for men to not want sex at all. So is it low testosterone? That’s easily fixed. Is it porn use (past or present)? That’s trickier, but absolutely MUST be dealt with. Is it unresolved psychological issues, like trauma? Is it stress? It doesn’t sound like stress if it’s been going on your entire marriage.

        But withholding sex is wrong, and he is doing something that is sinful. He is also endangering his own spiritual condition because he’s fleeing from intimacy, which isn’t healthy. Usually that means there’s also a block between him and God, too. So I would talk to a pastor or a counselor, and insist that he goes with you. I have a post more on that here. But you do not have to accept this, any more than we would accept any sin. So do something about it, and show him that this is not something that you will stand for. You want real intimacy, and he needs that, too.

      • Dawn
        May 19, 2014

        He refuses to get his Testosterone level checked. He works in the medical field and firmly believes that using a testosterone supliment is far more dangerous than it is helpful. He is not into porn at all and never has been. He was married for 15 years before he met me and his ex complained all the time about how little he wanted it. She made him get tested and his levels were fine. She started having affairs within the first year of marriage. He grew up in a home that taught sex was shameful. He recalls one time when he was 9 or 10 looking out the window and a girl rode her bike down the street. He noticed out loud that her slip was showing and his mother got on him pretty hard for that. He admits that it’s not the act that he shys away from but the getting started part. He says that there is something that holds him back. He used to tell me that he was glad that I would initiate for that reason. I too come with baggage. I was molested as a child, raped as a teenager and in a short abusive marriage before we met. I understand the hesitation of getting started, I feel that too at times, but it has gotten better for me over the years because our love has grown and I would continue to feel more comfortable being vulnerable with him. He is going to be 56 this year. He told me that his orgasms are no where near as powerful as they used to be and that he is jealous of how powerful mine are. We laugh about it, but we also did some reasearch to see if there was anything we could do to help that. That was part of all our flirting on Saturday, so to have it all stop abruptly, just boggles my mind.

      • Sheila
        May 19, 2014

        Hi Dawn,

        If you were having a good time and a good conversation, and then he abruptly turned off and refuses to talk about it, it likely sounds like you hit a nerve–you hit something in his psyche that he’s trying to run from or cover up. So it sounds like he really needs to talk to a counselor, if he has shame issues and sexual issues from his past.

        I’d phrase it like this: “You aren’t living life to its fullest. You are missing out on what God has for you. You are depriving me, but perhaps even more importantly, you are depriving yourself. Don’t put up with this. Don’t settle, when you were made for more. Let’s talk to someone and work this through, because running from it or turning it off isn’t helping; it feels more comfortable because there’s something scary you don’t want to face, but in the end, the only way to the other side is to go through the stuff now. You’ve lost one marriage over this, and you’re ruining another. I know that’s not what you want. So let’s deal with this–together.”

        And I’d say it very firmly, and maybe even in the presence of a third party, like a pastor or mentor, too. I hope that helps!

      • dawn
        May 21, 2014

        My husband came home yesterday and asked to talk with me….I admit, I was nervous. This was so far out for us and it scared me. He explained to me that even tho he said he didn’t want to have sex anymore, that’s not what he meant. He explained to me his version of what happened Saturday night. He said that it started with our daughter going to get him while he was in the middle of something important in the garage and asking him to make her something to eat. She never asked me and i didn’t realize that she did that. He said that when he came in, he seen that I was on the computer. Instead of asking me to help her out, he kept quiet and let resentment build. There were a couple other things similar to that that happened and he chose not to speak up. So, that is why it seemed so out of the blue to me. He spent a lot of time in prayer and seeking God for how to help heal this situation. He said that while he had to do so much driving for work, he was scanning the radio and heard multiple programs emphasizing the importance of touch to a woman in marriage. How it is as crucial as breath is for life. He said that he always knew in his head that it was important, but this time, the Lord made it real in his heart. He came from a home where no one touched and touching was actually frowned upon. So, it has always been a struggle for him. He appologized to me and of course I forgave him. It makes my heart happy that he chooses to go to the Lord for direction during these trying times.

        Sheila, I appreciate your advise, but I do want to set the record straight on something. My husband was not the reason his first wife strayed. In the beginning of their marriage, he agreed to be with her anytime she wanted. They were eachothers first sexual partners….She was so brutal with him during those times. Critisizing most of what he did and was not willing to work on the marriage. My poor husband believed he wasn’t going to be able to please me because of how hard she was on him. Like I said in a previous post, she chose to have multiple affairs starting the first year of marriage. She forced him to leave his postition as a pastor. Something he regrets deeply. He had to choose….her or the ministry…..at the time being so young, he thought that his wife should come first and unfortunately an older pastor told him that if that’s what she wants, then he should do it. He learned years later as his walk with the Lord grew that God has to come first in your life, not your spouse. When he learned of yet another afair, this time with the married pastor of their church, as he cried out to God looking for help, he finally heard that voice in his Spirit saying it was time to move on.

        Hope you have a wonderful day!!

      • ms o
        March 6, 2014

        i must agree with you Jed, but some times a person wont tell you the truth. its been two months shy of a year for me,. after waiting seven years. this man is not trying to get help and wont even talk about it. i am at the point or should i say i am past the point of wanting out. i look at it as abuse,. there is no kind of romance in our relationship. there is no balance, yet this man will some times help me in the house. he goes shopping with me, help me with the laundry and thats it. all i can to this is his man is not into me. Ms O.

      • Mrs. H
        April 1, 2014

        A man has the DUTY to provide sex to his wife. Likewise, the wife also has this DUTY. All of which is biblical. How are the sexless supposed to deal with their lack of sexual attention? Prayer all the time ? My husband NEVER wants it, he watches porn sometimes maybe more times..I just have not looked or tried to find out. However, I have a HIGH sex drive, I am 38, active, fit and he NEVER wants me. My ex husband wanted me all the time, and now I never get any. I am actually considering divorce over this because if he can get off to porn and not want REAL sex from me that is ALWAYS available than, that’s pretty much like cheating.

      • Sheila
        April 1, 2014

        Mrs. H., I would agree that what your husband is doing is absolutely wrong, and I’d point you to these articles that may help about how to confront him: 4 Things You Must Do if your Husband Uses Porn and Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? I also have a post on the top 10 effects of porn, and one of them is that you stop wanting sex in real life.

        I really hope those help; I know this is a huge issue in so many marriages! Best wishes to you.

      • Tony Conrad
        April 24, 2014

        I’ve always classed it as mental adultery personally and it can have exactly the same affect on a marriage.

        Even if I look a bit too long at an advert or something I can almost sense a barrier to intimacy beginning to build. Goodness know what full blown porn could do, especially over along period.

  2. uk Fred
    September 14, 2011

    Hi Sheila

    I would like to go through the points you have raised today, one by one and comment from a male perspective. It may help some of your wifey readers to understand their husband’s viewpoint on much of this.

    Go see the doctor

    This *is* a big deal for men. They are admitting that they are not the way society expects them to be. If they admitted it in an all male group non-christian group, they would probably get offers from other men about 2taking care” of their wife. They do not want to do this, but they generally do realise that ED in particular can be an early warning of heart disease or other major health concerns. encourage, but don’t nag your husband, and remember to tell him that he GP has probably seen hundreds of men in a similar condition over the years, so there is nothing to fear. The GP will probably run a series of tests to ensure that all possible physical causes are either identified or eliminated.

    If the problem is emotional or stress-related, then you are right on the money with your comments about not mothering or nursing. Two things that I can say from my own experience, (and I have no connection with the author of the book I am about to recommend except as a satisfied reader) are:
    1:- check that you are communicating. My wife’s love language is Acts of Service, while mine is Quality Time. My wife thought that I was not loving when I wanted her to simply spend time with me, and I thought her unloving because she was always too busy doing things for me to spend any time with me. It was like someone who could only speak and understand English trying to communicate with someone who could only speak and understand Cantonese. If all of this is double dutch to you, get the book, the 5 Love Languages and all will become clear.
    2:- develop your friendship by doing things together. when Dear Wife (DW) and I were almost looking to divorce, because we both thought that what we had was not worth holding on to, we went to counseling, and our counselor told us, after about a month of weekly sessions, that we should come to see her every other week, and on the weeks we did not come to see her, we should go and do something that we both enjoyed, together.

    By learning to understand the other party’s Love Language, and by getting used to feeling enjoyment in each other’s company, our relationship improved. I think that it is a bit like Pavlov’s dogs, except maybe more complicated, in that if you expect to enjoy time together, then you will look forward to your time together and you will feel more positive about being in the other person’s presence.

    I haven’t had an issue with porn, except to insist that a junior colleague remove some girlie pictures he had on display in a place where both male and female colleagues were likely to be present. What I can say is that in my youth, I could quite happily have sex numerous times each day whereas now in my 50’s recovery time after ejaculation is measured in hours rather than minutes, so I can see the problem with masturbation. I certainly understand the problems that can arise when you do not know the person who is the object of your fantasies. When we were teenagers, we ‘fancied’ this girl/guy, then we got to know them and how our view changed. It was called disillusionment. Real relationships are much more work than fantasy, so when one party thinks they are not getting much out of the relationship, it is all too easy to fantasise instead, whether it’s over the porn model/actress, or whether it’s over the dashing hero of the too-explicit romantic novel. Neither take the effort a real live person interacting with you takes..

    I must disagree on the suggestion that for some there is no reason. There is, but we simply haven’t found it yet. It might be that one partner thinks that sex 8 times a week is about 6 times a week too few and the other thinks it is about 7 1/2 times too many and the difference is all down to the statistical distribution of desire in the human population. That is a reason. But it is no reason to follow the present cultural trend to treat marriage as a disposable. It is, as Sheila writes, a cause to get closer to God in prayer for your spouse.

  3. Anonymous
    September 14, 2011

    Oh Sheila you’ve done it again. You’ve written a post that sooo needed to be written and read by many couples! I so appreciate your understanding and caring attitude towards wives who have faced this issue. You’re right, it is AWFUL to not be sexually pursued by your husband and it definitely hurts to hear other wives complain about their hubbies wanting sex too much. A husband that wants sex all the time may be annoying, but a husband that never wants sex is hurtful. Which do you think is worse?

    I’ve been married for a year now and this is something the hubs and I have struggled with. Before we were married my husband asked me if I would be okay with having sex everyday after we got married. Then once we were married I could barely get him to want it once a week. It hurt more than I can describe, but I finally understand why he feels the way he does and now things are sooo much better! For us, sex just hasn’t been that great. On our wedding night we discovered that I had vaginismus (your posts on that subject are great too!) and thus began months of dilators and painful sex. To make a long story short, I was so hurt that my husband didn’t seem to want sex that much and thought either I was undesirable or my husband was just plain weird. Somehow the Lord opened my eyes to understand the issue better and now I understand that, right now, sex is work for us. Because it’s still somewhat painful for me it takes a lot of effort. It’s not relaxing or stress relieving. In fact it’s exhausting. So after going to work for 8 hours and commuting for 45 minutes, my husband doesn’t want to come home and work (aka have sex) even more. Now that I understand him and he knows I’m not so upset about it anymore, he has actually been a lot more interested in sex lately. Even though our sex really hasn’t improved that much, just understanding the issue and not being in conflict over this anymore has made sex a lot more appealing. So I supposed “sex is hard work” could be added to your list for couples who have sexual difficulties.

    • Sheila
      September 15, 2011

      thanks for writing! It is indeed really hardbto begin your married life that way. It sounds like you have a great attitude, though, and I’m sure God will getvyou through!

    • Sheila
      September 20, 2011

      Anonymous, that’s great! I know your first year of marriage has been really tough, but it looks like things are getting better. We had a really rough first four years in the bedroom, but now things are great (we’re at just about 20 years now). Stick it out, keep working on your friendship above all, and you’ll find that fun really does come in the bedroom, even if it takes time.

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      This reply is about 3 years late but I thought I’d offer the OBVIOUS male explanation:

      Your husband loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you. Therefore, he doesn’t seek sex because that causes you pain.

      Have a conversation with him and ask if the above is happening.

  4. Anonymous
    September 15, 2011

    I think this is a great post; thanks Sheila. Although typically me and my husband do not have this issue – for the most part our libido’s are fairly compatable. Not to say we haven’t gone through periods where one or the other felt they were not totally satisfied in this area (we’ve been married over 5yrs and have several small children). This may be another topic for a WW but my question is on the issue you brought up of masturbation. My husband’s job requires him to be away from home for extended periods of time (as in one to four weeks). During this time he obviously still has needs and I know he often ‘takes things into his own hands’ (pardon the pun). He is open about this and I don’t feel this is a problem as I would rather him relieve the tension than put himself into greater temptation because of strong tensions that have not be relieved. Could this be a dangerous thing for our relationship? He is pretty open about this to me and I don’t feel that there is an addiction since I feel that our sex life is pretty normal in terms of frequency (although I know ‘normal’ is different for different couples). Just wondering your opinion in this area :)

    • Sheila
      September 20, 2011

      Hi Anonymous! Sorry I didn’t reply to your important comment right away; I was away with my mom for a few days. What I’m about to say may sound controversial to many, so I’m sorry if I shock anyone. But let me give my reasoning first. I believe that sexual release is something which is really supposed to be saved for your spouse. When you start obtaining that release away from your spouse, that can lead to a lot of problems, including the fact that sometimes people start to prefer that to pursuing relationship. Let’s face it: most of us could pleasure ourselves a lot more quickly than our spouse could, and if sex involves having to communicate first, and be nice first, it can be a big hassle. So I really don’t think it’s good to get into masturbation, even as release when you’re away from your spouse. It can lead to greater separation.

      That being said, the main harm comes in the fact that it is in secret and divorced from relationship. If it can be incorporated into relationship, I really have a hard time saying it’s wrong. So I guess what I’d suggest is “joining him” on the phone, so to speak. I’ll let your imagination do the work. But if you can insert yourself into it, if he’s gone for a few weeks and it’s just really difficult for him, then that can bring another level of intimacy. But I don’t think sex is ever supposed to be something that is a secret between spouses. Remove the secrecy and insert relationship, and I think you can still have some fun. But again, this isn’t optimal, and it’s only a stopgap measure if you’re just away from each other too long.

      • Tony Conrad
        April 24, 2014

        I agree. It’s what is going on in your head when you are doing it that is important. Is it your wife or somebody else?

  5. van Rooinek
    September 20, 2011

    “…The more men are into pornography, the less they are into sex in real life….”

    Perhaps, but I do believe that in the large majority of cases you have the causal arrow backwards. The less sex men get in real life, the more vulnerable they are to porn.

    This does NOT mean it’s okay for a man (or, less often, a woman) to use porn. And this does NOT mean that a wife is obligated to compete with porn stars on their own terms. Porn stars — like actresses and models — are a select small percent of the population and it’s their JOB to look good, working out hours a day if necessary…. most people just can’t do that. It’s not a realistic expectation.

    However, in the absence of some genuine medical impediment, reasonable fitness and reasonable sexual activity are… well… reasonable expectations. If a wife totally lets herself go (quite common) or lets the marital sex life dwindle towards zero (MANY husbands report this, especially after the 5 year mark), then said wife is placing a STUMBLING BLOCK before him, making it more likely that he will fall into porn, or even to actual physical affairs. It’s still sin for him, but if you place a stumbling block, you’re just being silly.

    Granted, some men are dogs who will use porn and/or cheat no matter what. And at the other end of the spectrum, others are so strong that they’ll never fall even if their wives impose total celibacy on them. But in between, for the great majority of men, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak — and the difference between the fidelity they aspire to, and the porn or affairs to which they are tempted, may well hinge on whether or not their wives take care of them.

    Don’t be a stumbling block.

    And yes, husbands should exercise and stay in shape, too. Wives also have needs.

    • Sheila
      September 20, 2011

      Absolutely agree with you, and thank you for commenting! In fact, I’ve written more about this side of the equation (that men have needs) then I have about the other. You can see some of those posts here and here.

      But, at the same time, pornography I think falls into a different category. Yes, men are more vulnerable to it when they aren’t getting sex. But getting sex does not necessarily protect men from it, because it is in a different compartment in men’s brains. For instance, many men enter marriage already pornography users, and even if she has sex with him a ton, it isn’t going to replace the high he gets from porn. So while it may protect to some extent, it’s still a very real problem for many men, and many men who are addicted to porn actually have wives who make love frequently. So yes, women need to consider men’s needs, but doing so doesn’t necessarily stop a porn addiction from starting, nor does it cause an addiction to stop. They can be separate issues.

      • Jamie Barnes
        January 23, 2013

        I’ve been married to two Christian men who preferred masturbation/fantasies/porn/tv, anything. Men have such issues with lust. I’m convinced many women don’t want sex with husbands who show there apparent lake of appreciation for their gift from God when they stare down other women, use porn, linger upon sexual images. The book “every mans battle” talks about men having these issues. More than a millisecond glance is interest, double glances, turning around to further check her out, it all devalues the wife. I’m exaspperated with men. I’ve always been very attractive and it’s never enough if another pretty thing comes along be it a real person, magazine, and yes it makes the men not look at you to get their sexual pleasure. I am a highly sexual being and I am so extremely offended that husbands get their ” looks” hence sexual fixes from others than their wife. If a man is totally faithful, kind, doesn’t make his wife feel in competition to keep his attention over every other female image out there, I cannot see how a woman would not want him sexually. Both of my husbands refused to deal with their sexual preferences for their sexual fixes. Neither have deserved me. I am all woman and should not have to deal with men’s lust! If a man finds sexual satisfaction through porn, then no, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or look at me so my body can be compared to all of his other images. Women are getting a very raw deal. If half nude men were everywhere and a husbands wife continually went to the images, men would throw fits. I consider this as sexual harassment. We are continually bombarded with our men’s desire for other women. I give up on any man being loyal to one woman. They may love you, butt to actually deny their fullfillment of images whether it be a short skirt, bikini, tv, porn, magazine….I don’t see men denying their daily “harmless” image fixes. The looks stimulates a part in their brain and they forever more go for it, till they don’t even look at their wife as a woman anymore. A woman should be able to go anywhere without getting that sixth sense that comes when you feel your mans interest and see his looks at whoever or whatever for that day. I can feel it. I literally feel his separation when he does it. I’m sick of the dishonor. I’m too good of a woman, too pretty, love God, ambitious, caring and compassionate to be continually hurt this way. I’d rather be alone.

    • Jamie Barnes
      January 23, 2013

      I’ve been married to two Christian men who preferred masturbation/fantasies/porn/tv, anything. Men have such issues with lust. I’m convinced many women don’t want sex with husbands who show there apparent lake of appreciation for their gift from God when they stare down other women, use porn, linger upon sexual images. The book “every mans battle” talks about men having these issues. More than a millisecond glance is interest, double glances, turning around to further check her out, it all devalues the wife. I’m exaspperated with men. I’ve always been very attractive and it’s never enough if another pretty thing comes along be it a real person, magazine, and yes it makes the men not look at you to get their sexual pleasure. I am a highly sexual being and I am so extremely offended that husbands get their ” looks” hence sexual fixes from others than their wife. If a man is totally faithful, kind, doesn’t make his wife feel in competition to keep his attention over every other female image out there, I cannot see how a woman would not want him sexually. Both of my husbands refused to deal with their sexual preferences for their sexual fixes. Neither have deserved me. I am all woman and should not have to deal with men’s lust! If a man finds sexual satisfaction through porn, then no, I wouldn’t want him to touch me or look at me so my body can be compared to all of his other images. Women are getting a very raw deal. If half nude men were everywhere and a husbands wife continually went to the images, men would throw fits. I consider this as sexual harassment. We are continually bombarded with our men’s desire for other women. I give up on any man being loyal to one woman. They may love you, butt to actually deny their fullfillment of images whether it be a short skirt, bikini, tv, porn, magazine….I don’t see men denying their daily “harmless” image fixes. The looks stimulates a part in their brain and they forever more go for it, till they don’t even look at their wife as a woman anymore. A woman should be able to go anywhere without getting that sixth sense that comes when you feel your mans interest and see his looks at whoever or whatever for that day. I can feel it. I literally feel his separation when he does it. I’m sick of the dishonor. I’m too good of a woman, too pretty, love God, ambitious, caring and compassionate to be continually hurt this way. I’d rather be alone.

    • Mrs. H
      April 1, 2014

      In my case, my husband let himself go completely. He is younger than me, and was in perfect shape when we married 4 years ago. Now, he would rather eat junk food instead of having sex. It’s a disgusting turn off. Plus, he watches porn. He was married before and had the same issues with his ex which he claimed were all her fault in the relationship. Now, I feel like it was him and his porn problem. I have never needed porn to “get off” but now , since I rarely have sex anymore, I have looked at it a lot to get satisfaction and just feel gross afterwards. I feel guilty, I want sex all the time from my husband, but he doesn’t want it. I have talked to him and threatened divorce, then he will have sex with me once or twice in a month, but he acts like he is in a porn movie and I feel like he is just fantasizing about someone he saw on his porn movie. I feel like a charity case, gross, and disgusted. I am not fat or ugly, what is wrong with him?

  6. van Rooinek
    September 20, 2011

    “…But getting sex does not necessarily protect men from it, because it is in a different compartment in men’s brains…”

    Utterly disagree there. It’s the SAME part of the brain. It’s an issue of supernormal versus normal stimuli, that’s all.

    “…. They can be separate issues….”

    Agree, because once the addiction is established, it can take on a life of its own. It’s analgous to narcotics — they may be prescribed for real pain, but can result in an addiction that last long after the injury is healed.

  7. Angie
    September 23, 2011

    You missed one. A man can also withhold affection and sex because he’s punishing his wife. She made a mistake, yes a big one even, a year, two years, 3 years ago and he’s still holding it against her and refusing to meet her needs b/c he only cares about one person: HIMSELF! It doesn’t matter that she’s apologized 100s of times, done everything she can to make it right, submitted to his abuse for years in an effort to please him. He still hates her.

    • Sheila
      September 23, 2011

      You’re right, that could definitely be an issue. Again, I’d really look at the book Love Must be Tough, and talk to someone about how you can take productive steps in your marriage to break through this impasse. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and could really use someone to come alongside you.

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      The husband’s actions are not biblical.

      “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)

      If the husband is also a Christian then have a conversation about this. If he is unwilling to change or repent, then the wife should seek every other avenue to restore the relationship – counseling, etc. If this has been going on for years (and especially if there are no children in the marriage) then divorce is likely the best option. I do not say that last sentence lightly because divorce is a terrible thing. It should only be a last resort. However in this case, it sounds as though divorce would be better for both parties compared to the wife having to endure a lifetime of suffering. Also, divorce is a process that takes time. If the wife initiates this process, that fact might get through to a stubborn husband. It will indicate the love of the husband for the wife. Hopefully, this will wake him up but if he does not object to it…then let it proceed.

  8. OffTheCuff
    October 19, 2011

    What, not the obvious?

    #0: You’ve let yourself go. You don’t have to be a bikini model, but if you don’t put some *effort* into staying in reasonable shape for your age, you’re just lowering his libido for him. An extra 10 or 20 pounds is fine on most people. An extra 50 isn’t. (Is he fat? Sure, he should lose weight, too, to increase his own libido. But if you’re also fat, then you have two problems instead of one.)

    Not all porn use is an addiction. Porn is just like booze; some people can handle it, and others can’t.

    • Sheila
      October 19, 2011

      You’re right; we definitely have the obligation to do what we can to stay beautiful to our husbands. But many “large” women still have great sex lives if their marriage relationship is strong and if the friendship is still strong. Just because a woman has gotten too big does not mean that a guy won’t make love to her. If there is really love there, that will fuel the attraction. But your point is still valid; we should be making an effort to seduce our husbands!

      • David
        June 26, 2012

        I think the key point is “effort.” It’s not about looking the way you did when you were 22. But I can tell when a woman is trying vs. when she’s said “the heck with it.” And I feel sorry for men married to women in the latter category. (My own DW doesn’t have a lot of confidence which I think is unfortunate, but she’s working hard to get exercise, eat healthy and invest an appropriate amount in well-fitting clothes and hairstyles. Makes a huge difference. And I’ve been attracted to her regardless.)

  9. Annie K.
    January 4, 2012

    I may be a little late weighing in, here, but I want to share my experience. For 22 years I dealt with my husband not wanting to have sex with me very frequently. We would go 6 weeks or more between times very often. He would also refuse me when I tried to initiate. I felt like no one in Christian circles addressed this issue (all I ever read/heard was be sure to give it to him whenever he wants it, and he will want it often…so not true for me!). I totally thought he was not attracted to me, he did not really love me, etc. etc. And I really did work at being his friend, supporting him in other ways, etc. etc. I was beating myself up over it, thinking every failure of mine (even housecleaning, or whatever) was affecting his desire/love for me. And I was too shy about the issue to really talk with anyone else about it…eventually we went to the pastor for counseling, who encouraged my husband to get to the doctor. Even that didn’t happen right away, and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t asked the doctor about it myself when my husband was in for something else completely! But he got his testosterone tested and the results came back that he was EXTREMELY low. What a relief! Now he takes a testosterone-boosting supplement, which helps a little, and I am reassured that it is NOT me…which has helped the whole situation to become less tense…and therefore we are having more fun than ever before. Even so, I still had to make up my mind that I would probably be initiating most of the time (had to get over the desire to be pursued…not easy, but necessary), and he has realized that he needs to be willing to cooperate! Just want to encourage other women out there that maybe it is something simple–get to the doctor and rule that out before beating yourself up about your part in the relationship.

    • Sheila
      January 4, 2012

      Great comment, Annie! Thanks so much for chiming in. You’re absolutely right: every man who doesn’t seem to want sex should get his testosterone level checked. Many men are hesitant to go to the doctor about this, but it’s so important. I’m glad you did, and I’m glad your marriage turned around!

    • Ann
      January 18, 2014

      My husband has always lacked a sex drive. Your story sounded so familiar. Ive always had a very strong sex drive. We would go weeks without and I was always the one to initiate. He did seem to have trouble with ED so he told me this was why he did not want sex…but yet he was young so it made no sense to me. It seems after a week or two of marriage he just stopped wanting sex. We’ve fought over sex for 22 yrs. It is embarrassing and you do feel like a loser because all you hear is how husbands want sex ALL the time so you wonder why your husband does not want you. I heard my neighbor friends complain how their husbands wanted sex every night as they rolled their eyes and Id almost be in tears. He went to Dr’s. We went to therapists. We did everything we knew to do. He was verbally abusive so this did not help any. I wondered why I had such a strong sex drive even when he treated me like crap. He admitted to me about 17 yrs. into our marriage some things he had kept from me and one was a porn addiction that had gotten way worse over the last yr or so…when the kids and I were living separately due to a job loss and etc. He told me God had taken away his desire and asked my forgiveness. Now therapists tell you this cannot be true. God just does not take it away but my husband insists after lots of prayer the desire left. The thing is…his sex drive for me never got any better. Again, devastated. His T level always came back as low “normal” so the Dr’s never wanted him on T…they told him he was fine. I read maybe he was fine for an 80 yr. old…that t levels should be certain levels for certain ages…Some Dr’s feel just because you are on the chart does not mean much…So, recently he began to see a guy for inner healing prayer and I noticed a change in him. He read books on verbal abuse and admitted he was verbally abusive and he wanted to change. He also went on T cream…It would work for awhile and stop working so it was very frustrating. For the last few months he has taken T shots. Oh my goodness…it has been wonderful. Im finally wanted by my husband. It has been amazing. Of course my libido has finally gone down a lot (im thinking Im nearing peri menopause)…what a bummer (how ironic huh?)but Im so thrilled to finally feel wanted. I still do not understand why my husband tells me he has never had a sex drive and yet he was addicted to porn. That does not make sense to me.

  10. jennifer
    April 13, 2012

    About the tests at the doctors office, is testosterone levels the same as sperm count? The reason I ask is that we went to our doctor a few years ago and had fertility tests done. Just wondering so that we may not have to go to the doctor if it’s not totally necessary.
    Thank -You

    • Annie K
      April 13, 2012

      No, I’m pretty sure it’s not the same test. The testosterone test is a blood test. I don’t know if the testosterone level affects the sperm count, but I do know that even with my husband’s low testosterone we never had trouble getting pregnant–even though he would never have sex as often as I wanted to when we were trying to get that way! And if your most recent tests are from a few years ago, things may have changed since then, anyway–so I would definitely suggest another trip to the doctor at this point. Just my 2 cents. :-)

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      They are separate tests. Testosterone is the sex hormone in men over their entire lives. It also becomes the dominant hormone in women in their later years after estrogen production declines as a result of menopause.

  11. Anonymous
    May 11, 2012

    “But more than anything, you’ll just have to learn that this is the man you married. Get your peace in God, work in your friendship so you don’t feel emotionally rejected, and learn to love him anyway.”

    Is that really what it boils down to? If your husband won’t have sex with you….your stuck?

    Where is the husband’s responsibility?

    Is with-holding or avoiding sex not a type of unfaithfulness?

    I’d love to know your thoughts.

    • Sheila
      May 11, 2012

      Yes, I do think withholding sex is wrong, and if a spouse refuses to have sex, then I really would suggest going to the leadership about it. I wrote about that here.

  12. sina
    June 1, 2012

    I have been married for less than a year and this is a problem my husband and I face. I have a very high sex drive but my husband does not. In almost 98% of our situations I am always the one the one to initiate having sex. We recently had a conversation about this and he said it would be better if we don’t do it as much as we do now. This made me feel very sad and hurtful inside. It’s even more hurtful when I talk to my friends about my situation and they say well I wish my husband would be more like that and they tell me of times when there husbands beg for sex while mine does the exact opposite. This is a hard subject among women especially something so taboo. I’m
    Glad you brought this subject up!

    • Sheila
      June 1, 2012

      Sina, I’m sure it must be especially difficult because other women often don’t understand or feel really sympathy–they feel more, “I wish my husband would give me a break sometimes.” I know you must feel very lonely, but I’d encourage you to have his testosterone checked (it’s often a simple issue), make sure he’s not using porn, work on your friendship, and just pray a lot!

  13. David
    June 26, 2012

    Unfortunately #4 on the list should really occupy another three or four slots for how pervasive an issue it is, even (and especially) in the church. I wouldn’t be surprised if about 70% of these issues are caused by that, with the number climbing higher unless we figure out good ways to address it.

  14. Paul Byerly
    June 28, 2012

    Sheila – Great post on a subject that needs more attention.

    I would add one – he gave up after years of being told no by her, or of feeling like he was being serviced rather than making love. I can’t say how common this is, but when we dig we find it as a factor more often than you would think. She gets busy with young children and sex becomes a very low priority. Then in her mid 30’s to mid 40’s, with the kids older and her hormones making her want sex more, she tries for more and finds that he has lost interest or is unwilling to risk having more for fear of getting hurt again.

    Of course there are couples where this is not a factor, where she has always wanted more, or she has always wanted as much as him and then he starts to want less.
    Paul Byerly recently posted…Playing “the kids” cardMy Profile

  15. DebiHIS
    July 13, 2012

    for the first 20 yrs. of our marraige the sex life was great. even when we were having disagreements, our passion for each other remained strong. but then i hit the age of 45, and perimenopause began. it was like one day i had libido, the next day none. i didnt care if i ever had sex again, never thought of it, didn’t miss it. this confused my hubby, and he got resentful. he would flash me trying to get me to respond, or grab me, not lovingly, expecting me to jump on him. i finally got to the point of guarding myself everytime he walked by, and sex between us got farther and farther apart. after 3 years of this, my hubby got angry and fed up. thats when he turned to porn, which led to online friend finder sites. i was by that time in total hopeless despair and depression. my husband wouldn’t even acknowledge me anymore, totally ignore me, i really thought he was going to leave me. thats when i started to pull myself up, fight back. i would reach out to him, get a tiny response. i thought we were making progress, not knowing he was having an affair with a married woman dissatisfied with her husband. someone told my daughter her father was at a hotel, he took pictures to prove what he was saying was real, and then she had to tell me. the betrayal almost did me in. the worst pain ever. i made him choose, if she is what you want, then i wont fight you. but if you want to try, i will. he chose to try. once we had recommitted to each other, my symptoms almost dissapeared, and the sex was great again. but now 4 yrs. into our rebirth, hubby doesnt want it anymore! he tells me i have a one-track mind now LOL. went to the doctor, got hormones checked, he was low T, thyroid was low. it has helped some, but his energy levels/desire have not come back yet. so sex gets farther and farther apart again, and this time i get to go crazy. the irony of it all drives me crazy!! what did i ever do to get sick in the first place, only to be betrayed, to be given another chance, only to be left crawling out of my skin. im not into porn, and finding another person, with who knows how many diseases, does not appeal to me….whats left? sex for one? not really feeling toys either…

  16. PinkPaw
    September 9, 2012

    HI i went through almost everything whats being written above.

    I am a girl of 23 & my husband is 27. We will be completing our 1st year anniversary in the coming October.

    we live away from our mother county & we are also from two religions which the religion fact has never have comes between us, ever so far.

    with the present location where we are based, All porn sites are blocked. How ever i have seen of new methods that people use to unblock, blocked sites by the authorities.

    I am a full time housewife & my husband returns home from work pass 7 in the eve. He does not smoke or drink too & i don’t think he has the capacity of watching porn at the work place.

    We were together as husband & wife before our marriage(for almost a year & a half) & he was all so in to me, so in to the relationship & sex. ( we had it almost everyday & sometimes few times a day too) yet as time has passed by he has lost the interest in it & it rarely happened between us now a days ( maximum 4-6times a month). He reaches the climax pretty soon (in about 10-15minutes from the starting point) & it makes me sick of it. he hardly notices me, doesn’t give me any looks or clues any more or the least wouldn’t even touch me or hold me in a way that a woman would expect her man to do things to her.even if i hug him tight he would just keep his arms around me & that’ s it.

    After long hours of discussions everyday, we have finally decided to see a doctor, yet not sure of whom to go to (which category of a doctor )or any other solution to be made.

    we love each other, yet i cannot go on like this & I don’t wanna leave him for another man too for i know he is the one for me & that he still loves me. by reading the above threads i understand most of you are elder to me & probably have more experience about life than i do. so please tell me what we should do.

    thanks big time!

  17. RachaelR
    October 11, 2012

    I cried when i read this post. I have been struggling with this situation and i have felt so alone. My husband and i have been married for almost 5 months. When we were first dating and engaged he couldnt keep his hands off of me and complimented me all the time. A month or two before we got married he stopped wanting to be physical with me. It picked up when we got married and he initiated it on our honeymoon, which i was extremely glad for. But within the last few months he has not wanted to be intimate at all, even to the point that he avoids it and waks away…. I feel so hurt that i just break down and cry alot. I have been feeling so alone and i feel that i cant talk to anyone about it. Im so lost, i just dont know what to do.

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      A marriage relationship is the responsibility of both parties. And it is work.

      From the male perspective it sounds as though your husband has become disillusioned with sex. And that’s not surprising given our culture’s focus on it. But the source of the disillusionment might be any of a number of things. (Sheila: This should be on your list.) Try to find out what is causing it.

      It could be any of the following, good or bad, in any combination (and this is not an exhaustive list):
      1) He expects you to initiate sex some (or all) of the time.
      2) He expects you to be a supermodel
      3) He expects you to just “know” how he likes it
      4) He’s had you and now he no longer wants you (In other words, the chase is over and he liked the chase more than the capture.)

      Crying is OK to get the emotions out but pick yourself up afterwards and do something about it. The best thing you can do is talk to him. Share your feelings. Tell him you still care for and desire him. Ask him why he isn’t “into” you anymore (pun intended). Figure out his feelings on the subject and try to satisfy them if they are reasonable (#1, etc.). If they are not reasonable (#2, etc.), then gently tell him so. Regardless, communication is the best way to move forward (and in the case of #3 is also the solution – he needs to communicate what he wants to you because you can’t read his mind).

  18. RV
    November 2, 2012

    Premarital sex is likely an issue too.

    My husband said he stopped being attracted to me the day he proposed. That didn’t stop him from blaming me. The first time it was “the extra 40lbs doesn’t help…” (I gained 25 pounds eating the food he like me to make him and lost 13 by the time he’d made the comment). I was newly pregnant with our first when he made the comment, I called a suicide hotline number that night. I would never harm myself with a child involved, but his words wounded me to the core. This was also several years before he confessed that our engagement ended his attraction.

    Back then we had sex two to three times a week. If only I would have known that was a good number.That sounds great now.

    I have since gotten down to prehubby weight, had him tell me I was too big still AND that my stomach disgusts him, more depression 11 miscarriages, each with a 5 lb weight gain, and now I am overweight and not able to do much about it. Our love life has dwindled to once every 4-6 weeks. It feels like dying.

    In our marriage, he’s blamed his drive on my weight, my stomach when I lost weight, my acne(pregnancy related), my lack of makeup, my housekeeping. Because I love him and am in this for keeps, I have worked on dressing more femininely, wearing makeup-but not too much because he wants it to cover my flaws-but look natural. I am constantly on a diet, I have gotten rid of tons of clutter and gotten tips about housecleaning, implemented those changes, never let him see my stomach, and make sure I dress in non-grumpy clothes.

    Basically, every barrier he has blamed it on, I have fought to remove and he rewards me with less intimacy.

    He is not into porn, he is on his computer every waking non-working hour, apart from meals.

    I cry myself to sleep a lot. If I didn’t have wonderful children, I could see suicide as a sad giant temptation. I pray about this constantly, yet I feel that he is making no effort. After all, I am not a model and my house is not perfect yet,so really am I doing enough to merit his love?

    • Sheila
      November 2, 2012

      RV, I am so, so sorry that you feel like you have to work to “merit his love”. That’s a very lonely place.

      And it sounds like you are in a really lonely place in your marriage. I’d really recommend either seeing a counselor with him, or at least joining some sort of a MOPS group or a moms group and finding some mentors in real life that you can talk to. I’m worried that you’re getting into a depression, and that’s not good for anyone.

      You DO merit love, and that’s how God sees you. God doesn’t ask you to have a perfect house or a perfect body; He loves you just the way you are. I’m sorry that you don’t feel that from your husband, but please know that even on the days when you feel darkest, God still smiles on you. He really does.

  19. RV
    November 2, 2012

    FTR we stopped having sex before he proposed because we wanted a fresh start.

  20. Rymay
    November 14, 2012

    Thank you Sheila for posting this. I had been struggling about this problem since the early stage of our marriage. Well, me and my husband had been married for three months now. And to think that our marriage is still in its very early stage and we had been experiencing this problem now. It really has been very hurtful to be rejected. Although in fairness to my husband, he makes me understand why he often times reject me with having sex. But in spite of his explanation, I still can’t get over the feeling of rejection every time it happens, and it really hurts. But I just want to share to you that his reason is because of his “BACK PAIN”. He’s always having back pains especially when we’re having sex. But well, I can also feel and see the effort he is making just to satisfy me. But what can I do with this? I am 25 and I have a high sex drive. I really love my husband and I know he loves me too.

  21. sean brooks
    December 4, 2012

    I understand that most of you are christian, but blaming pornography for the majority of your cases is just you being in denial. While there are a lot of men out there who develop unhealthy addictions to porn, and even as simple as giving them an “unrealistic expectation” of sex, i really do believe the majority of mens lack of sex drive is because of other issues in the relationship. More often then not men stop wanting to have sex with their wives because of resentment in the relationship. Whether that be fighting between you, house keeping, who takes care of the kids, who works the most, etc etc. There is usually a bigger issue going on than “oh make sure he isnt looking at pornography.”.

    Most men would rather have sex than watch porn. The problem isn’t that they would rather watch porn than have sex, its that they would rather watch porn than have sex with YOU.

    almost all of these stories on this thread sound like there are far more deeper issues going on in the relationship than just the sex. The sex is just a symptom of a larger problem.

    and whoever made the comment, “make sure you have parental controls on your computer to prevent husband from watching porn” sounds like they are setting themselves up for divorce. People are going to do what they want to do. If you tell your husband you dont like him looking at pornography, thats fair enough, but only He cant determine that he wont do it. trying to ‘force’ him to not watch it is only going to make him dislike you even more and further drive you apart. You are his partner, not his mother.

    • Sheila
      December 4, 2012

      Sean, I agree that there are likely other issues in the relationship, but research (including mostly non-Christian research) has shown that porn is implicated in reduced libido in relationship and actually increased sexual dysfunction (specifically erectile dysfunction). They’re even got a new term for it: Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, where people who use porn a lot are unable to become aroused with a person, because their body has been trained that what is arousing is an image, not a person. In addition, men who use porn habitually also masturbate habitually, which also reduces desire in relationship.

      So there is a huge correlation between lack of interest in sex and use of porn. The same thing has been found in college students; male college students are having sex much less today than they did ten years ago, for instance, because of the use of porn. And many are finding that when they try with a real girl it doesn’t work.

      Yes, there are likely other issues in the relationship, too, but porn in and of itself does reduce desire and ability for sex with a real, live person. The research is quite conclusive on this.

    • Mrs. S
      October 29, 2013

      Sorry Sean, but if my husband is looking at pictures he shouldn’t be I will be blocking it and I would expect him to do the same for me if it was reversed. As Christians we are also in a brother/sister relationship and we are to hold each other accountable. While I understand what you are saying in regard to the wife being a nag and the husband not wanting to be with her. However that does not excuse him from doing every thing he can which would include marriage counseling to improve their relationship rather than doing something that will “punish” her or allow him to “escape” from her. Each person in a marriage is ultimately accountable to God and will give an account of what they did or did not do to correct problems in their marriage. A wife is not responsible for her husband’s sin and a husband is not responsible for his wife’s sin. However, we are each responsible for how we respond to our spouse’s sin. And setting boundaries by blocking certain sites is healthy for the marriage.

  22. Tellingnot
    December 11, 2012

    I feel you are very neglectful of 1 of the most important issues and that is medical. My husband is 52 and I am 48, we have been married for 26 years. Our problems begin almost immediately. Over the years we have been to marriage counseling 3 different times, an individual counseling at least 3 more. We separated twice because of it. We even tried viagara. I have read every book I could get my hands on. Finally I convinced my husband to ask his doctor what the problem might be. His doctor prescribed an antidepressant for a year and said that should take care of it. (NOT) I have privately cried, prayed, and finally resigned to my sexless marriage. The emotional pain has been a terrible. Last week he came home with a new prescription for testosterone. His doctor finally did the test and learned he had extremely low testosterone. 26 years and we finally have an answer. My advice to women out there, get your husband to be tested. A simple blood test can prevent years of heartache.

  23. sadGIRLinPA
    December 11, 2012

    Wow, I am so glad you posted this. I have been with my spouse since 2009. We married June 2012. We always had “problems” in the bedroom. We have had “talks” and sometimes arguements on why he does not want to have sex with me. Moreover, he has no physical contact with me as in putting his arm around me, touching me, kissing me, or even fun flirting. Even in the way beginning he was never like this. We have sex maybe every few months. We have a 13 month old daughter and the last time we had sex was probably May 2012. We didn’t even do anything on our wedding night, nor for my birthday, nor when we have a date night with no baby. I’m at a loss as to why he does not want to be physical with me ( and it doesn’t even need to be sex)….just laying in bed holding me or slap my a$$ or some flirty thing like that I would be happy with. I will say that he went to the doctor becuase he thought he had a problem with himself (sexually) prior to me getting pregnant. I think he thought he couldn’t get me pregnant? I’m not really sure and I have a feeling that may have something to do with why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. At this point it’s been 7 months and we just got married in June 2012. I’m miserable and I told him that he must talk to a sex pshychologist or whatever they are to find out what is wrong with him. I told him that I have NEVER met a man that did not want to get physical, flirt or touch. I’ve even brought up examples where I say that when we went out with his married friends did he happen to take notice that the husband put his arm around his wife when we walked out of the restuarant. He just seems clueless and tells me that he’s too tired, espeically now since we have the baby. He has agreed to speak to someone but I get the feeling that I’m bothering him by asking him to go….

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      Be very careful bringing up this topic to a man. Be very gentle about it. Your impression that he is bothered by you asking him to go is probably right on the money. Since he agreed to go, then by all means DON’T mention it again. Doing so can easily come across as nagging. Setup the appointment and tell him when it is. You do not need to bring it up anymore beyond this because I assure you he is well aware of it. Bringing it up again will likely only increase his stress and increase the chance that he changes his mind about going.

    • Lonely
      July 29, 2014

      I have been married to a man who does not desire me. We have been married for 21 years. I have often thought of divorcing him, but we have 2 daughters who love us both dearly. This would crush them. I believe I am at the point where I have been rejected so much, that I don’t care anymore. I actually can’t even stand being in the same room with him anymore. He tries to blame it all on me. He says I am an angry person. I probably am. I have years of resentment and shame. I have sought counseling because I feel such guilt for hating him. I have been suicidal because I feel that divorcing him would displease God because God hates divorce. I spend most of my time with church friends, work, and my daughters because I cannot stand being in the same room with him. He has never been interested in sex. He did not have sex before me. I was his first and only. I thought it was admirable when we were dating, but now I know that he cannot be intimate with anyone. He does not like to hug or show any kind of physical affection. He makes me feel ashamed for wanting intimacy. And now I don’t. I don’t want to be close to him at all. I envy all the women whose husbands love them. I have dreams of being free from him and finding someone who loves me. He is a good father and a hard worker. I will always appreciate the fact that he works hard for the family. But I don’t want this. I don’t want a loveless marriage without intimacy, warmth and conversation. I have no idea what to do. I am so happy when I am with my friends because they appreciate me. And I am so unhappy when I am with him. I have asked him to go to counseling and get his testosterone tested. He insists it’s not him. He insists it’s me.

  24. ButterflyWings
    December 12, 2012

    My husband doesn’t want to do anything with me. Not a thing. Even joining him in HIS hobbies – he doesn’t want to do any hobby that involves interacting with people face to face anymore. But he says he’s not depressed, he just prefers doing solitary things.

  25. jonquil
    December 14, 2012

    Hello Sheila, It’s my first time writing in this great forum.I will try to talk briefly:) : I’ve been married for almost 10 yrs, one 5 yrs old son. My husband’s sexual drive was very normal during engagemnet, after marriage his libido decreased such that most of the time its me who initiates. for the past 2 yrs I dont really remember he’d ever suggested!! By the way he has azospermia but I dont think its the cause we could conceive by IVF and I am pregnant now.
    1) I did the free Testosterone test for him and it was normal..(Does It reflect total Testosterone or shall we do it).
    2) Pornography is totally excluded.
    3) I take very good care of my shape, Iam so elegant, tall, very nice figure, clean and wearing perfume most of the time, my house is always clean and organized,etc..
    4) I do everything to provide a suitable enviroment for him to initiate sex, for example even if am exghaused at work then in house chores and in taking care of my child I stay awake ready for him to initiate…but never!!:( on the contrary he sleeps before me!
    5) Regarding his status: I dont deny that he is stressed at work and financially short..but its not an excuse since most people go through this and the sexual instinct must mask that.
    6) I have a strong, independent personality, but his mother and sisters dont…might that be one of the causes? like he’s not used to dealing or living with strong women and he might feel that our friends and relatives admire my personality?? while ignoring him?
    7) I think his mother was suffering from the same issue with his father…
    I was trying to put you completely in the picture to help you think with me and find me a solution…as many women had mentioned how much it hurts and how they cry and feel pain it does to me…and what kills me more is when I hear others complain from nagging husbands for sex even though they dont try to do what I do for my husband physically or mentally!!!

    • Daniel Smith
      July 20, 2014

      It sounds like you are having sex but that you want him to initiate it sometimes. Is that right? If so have a conversation and tell him.

      All things considered, it sounds like you have a very good sex life. If your only concession it that you have to be the initiator, then consider yourself extremely fortunate.

      Initiating sex doesn’t have to be verbal or physical either. It can be a look or even an object that you both agree upon. “Want to have sex, dear, then set this rubber ducky on the nightstand.” You can get very creative in how you communicate your desire.

  26. Amy
    January 21, 2013

    My marriage and sex ife have been a total waste of my life! Thats my fault for staying with my cold and heartless husband. Weve been married 45 years and only had sex or any intimacy once and that was our wedding night. I can’t really say that was good or bad I was a virgin. The morning after our wedding he informed me that he hated sex with me or any one else. It was gross, digusting totally pointless and meaningless.. It was messy, smelly and so bad that he wasn’t going to happen again. Also he started to move all his things to the basement, and that he was going to start working the midnight shift. I screamed and cryed and said marriage isn’t suppose to be like that ! I asked whats wrong with you ? All he said was from now on leave me alone and don’t talk to me. He went down to the basement and thats where hes been for 45 years. I hoped and prayed things would change but no all that happened I wasted my life on this hopeless marriage. I have no answers on whats wrong, I really hate all men, non of them are spared my hate. I’m discouraged, embaressed, annoyed that my life just died1 In my mid 60s and my best friends are my anti-depressants and my shrink. Being rejected and lonely is terrible. Soon I hope it will be all over.

  27. Jamie Barnes
    January 23, 2013

    It doesn’t change from what I have experienced. A man who gets into masturbation no longer desires his wife the same, no matter how sexy she is. You talk to counsel ores, pastors , to each other, nothing changes. I divorced my first husband for this. Now my second husband wants me even less. I know it isn’t me. I’ve worked around many men and have seen married Christian men steal looks at me. You know when someone is attracted to you. As a result, I easily see when my husband spends his looks on others in interest but doesn’t touch me. Don’t blame yourself. You could stay in shape, look young, cook, dress nicely, and it’ll make no difference. Try, but don’t be crushed when you see no change and only hear their denials of interest in others.

    • MB
      April 27, 2014

      I agree, Jamie…I wonder why men choose to marry a woman they aren’t attracted to. It makes no sense at all. There is such a lack of honesty, such poor communication in many instances. And I understand what you are saying…men look at me all the time too, but I only want my husband. I want him to notice me and be turned on by me, instead of only getting attention from other men.

      I have nothing against porn or fantasies in most cases but a lot of men use these things as substitutes for real sex, real intimacy and that is when it becomes a problem. My husband has admitted that he used to masturbate very often, years before he met me. I have no problem with masturbation…I don’t think anyone should be made to feel guilty or ashamed of it. But when the fantasies or porn addiction or masturbation interferes with a man’s ability to see his wife as desirable, that spells trouble with a capital T.

      I’ve noticed that my husband seems to find a certain type of woman attractive and these women usually don’t have much in common with me. He denies this, but like you said, sometimes it is obvious. The girls/women he tends to look at are usually…white with straight blonde or light brown hair, tall in most cases, very thin and boyish except for medium or large breasts, very average faces. From the few pictures I’ve seen of his exes, they seem to fit that description. Me? I am short, of mixed race, used to be thin and petite but now a more curvy size 10. Small breasts and curly dark hair, dark eyes, pretty face with an exotic look, can be even more beautiful with a little bit of makeup. I will admit that because of depression and health issues I’ve gained weight but I am working hard to lose it and whip myself back into shape. I believe he doesn’t really find me very attractive, which makes me wonder why he married me in the first place.

      I am a bit overweight now, but trying to do something about it. Not happy with my body but I’m definitely not bad-looking. I don’t nag him about anything, try to be sweet and loving towards him, try to have the “right” attitude. It hurts my feelings when I catch him looking at me with something like boredom or disgust sometimes. I can’t help the way my body weight is distributed…even when I was much thinner, I had a classic pear shape. I have belly fat due to PCOS, but I am still very pretty and sexy and feminine. I have more of an old-school “pinup girl” look in some ways and he seems to prefer the trophy wife or cheerleader look that is popular today. Other men notice me and look at me with lust or admiration, but my own husband doesn’t.

      And you’re right, sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do. There have been many times where I can walk around nude or try to flirt with my husband and he’ll be annoyed because I’m blocking his view of the TV. Or he’ll give me an awkward (and often insincere) compliment about my appearance, but refuses to be intimate. I can’t help but think that if I went back down to a size 4 and did a whole bunch of things to change the way I look, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me. It seems to be about men who don’t appreciate their wives and are lusting after what they perceive as a “better” type of woman. Which is very hurtful because I don’t compare my husband to other men…I love him for who he is and I like the way he looks. There might be other men with more money or more of some other quality, but he is MY man and I don’t want anybody else. This is why it is so painful for women like us because our husbands make us feel rejected and second-rate.

  28. tennantfan
    February 24, 2013

    I’m not married, but I’m having issues with my boyfriend not wanting to have sex. We’ve been dating for about 7 months now. One our 3rd date, he was already initiating sex with me. It’s kind of thrown me for a loop that he’s now backing off so much. We now haven’t had sex in a little bit over 3 weeks. I don’t think that this would be bugging me so much if I hadn’t caught him in a lie. Just last weekend, he told me that he loved for for the first time, and I quickly reciprocated my feelings for him. I was hoping for an amazing night of “making love” (yes, I make a distinction between it and sex), but it didn’t happen. Right before we got into bed, he went to the bathroom, came out, and said that we were out of condoms. I bought condoms the next day so that we could make love, but it didn’t happen again because he said his back was hurting him. I was sure that we would try again this weekend, but I was denied again. Friday night, he was too tired, and Saturday night he was having back issues again. This morning, I saw the box of condoms that I purchased last weekend in his travel case, and I also saw 2 leftover condoms from other boxes in there. So, if he indeed had condoms a week ago, then why did he tell me that he didn’t? I feel like he doesn’t desire me because he also doesn’t want me fulfill him in other ways very often. Instead, he says that he just wants me to be happy. While he does satisfy me in that department, it just bugs me that we aren’t having sex. I’m starting to think that I’m just bad at it, and he doesn’t have the heart to tell me. If we don’t make love this coming weekend, then I kind of don’t want him to pleasure me in other ways either.

    • MB
      April 27, 2014

      @tennantfan…it sounds like he might be cheating. The fact that he lied about the condoms should tell you something. A relationship without honesty and trust is doomed to fail. Maybe his “needs” are being met elsewhere? Hopefully you’ve been able to discuss the issue with him since you posted this. 3 weeks without sex isn’t so bad…try going 3 months or more, like me and some of the other ladies here!
      A couple of years ago, my husband went on a business trip to another state…when he returned, I noticed that there was lubricant in his travel case. I wondered about it but didn’t ask him anything. It was possible that he’d used it to masturbate or in the worst case scenario, he’d been unfaithful while he was away. Sometimes you just never know. Try having an honest discussion with your boyfriend (if you guys are still together) and see what happens.

  29. Anonymous
    March 19, 2013

    My husband and I never had sex before marriage. After marriage, I thought we would. But it didn’t happen on our wedding night or even on our honey moon. When I confronted him, he said he is shy. He does kiss me and cuddle me and play with me in the bed, but just does not do the act. He says he loves me and that he is very attracted to me and that I am the most important thing in his life. But 10 days after our marriage and we still have not done it. He does not watch porn (I am serious, he may watch a little soft porn but nothing else), as far as I know (and he has told me) he does not even masturbate. He is a very nice, responsible and loving husband in every other way. I am really confused and hurt. I have begun to doubt if he is gay, how would I know that ? Would something else be the matter ?

    • Sheila
      March 19, 2013

      Oh, that’s so tough. I’m really sorry! Yes, it could be that he’s gay, or he could have sexual trauma in his background which has retarded his sexual growth. Or he could have really low testosterone. Regardless, he needs to work on it. Sex isn’t something that is just optional in marriage. I’d talk to him about it, tell him you love him, but that you feel as if both of you are missing out on something really important, and you want to get to the bottom of the problem. Reassure him that you love him, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having issues (we all have issues). The problem only comes when you refuse to work on those issues. So ask if you can work on them together. I would think your first stop would be a doctor for a testosterone test, and then to a counselor that he could be honest with to work through some background issues.

      I’ll say a prayer for your marriage!

  30. Mimi
    March 25, 2013

    My husband of 18 years has been dealing with crossdressing. As long as he kept it to himself. It was ok. This past year he was on a dating site looking for men. He asked a few to meet. Some were even local and not on his business trips. He told me he only met one at a bar and it was just talking and getting out and getting in touch with his fem side. He swore he didn’t have sex and doesn’t want a disease.
    I told him he must choose or else we will have to live in different homes and try to stay married as there are also financial reasons here as well besides I do love him very much.
    He told me if he had the money he would get a sex change or look into it and once a month he thinks if this.
    But then said its not like he is unhappy either too. I am just incredibly hurt and torn. He promised me he would stay off those sites. Gave me his words etc.
    in all other ways he is the perfect husband to me. Very intelligent and helps me. Doesn’t abuse me or our daughter. He is quiet however and my daughter has been very upset that he seems way too aloof. I know he was inward when we married and has rarely been issue with me.
    He watched too much tv and I have told him its hurting our child…he will cut back only to gradually increase back after I tell him to cut down…
    I feel scared. Please help me… Please! Thank you in advance..
    .

    • MB
      April 27, 2014

      Mimi…it sounds like he is gay or bisexual, based on the information you’ve given. You posted this a year ago, so hopefully you’ve been able to resolve the issue. My heart goes out to you.
      I don’t understand why some men choose to get married if they can’t be honest about their sexuality and can’t be faithful to their wives. If I suspected that my husband was being unfaithful OR that he was gay/bisexual OR into wearing women’s clothes, our marriage would be over. Life is too short for that. You deserve a man who can be honest with himself and with you.

  31. anonymous
    October 29, 2013

    I have read your post, I have tried to fix things…but I am lonely in my marriage. It hurts so much to be rejected sexually over and over again. My heart is breaking and all I can think about is that it would be better to be alone than unwanted. My husband says he loves me more than anything, says it isn’t me and he isn’t sure what the cause of his low libido is. He spoke to a family doc once 5 years ago with no real results…he won’t go back. The low libido has been an issue for 15 years and it is combined with premature ejaculation. Satisfaction with my husband has been a once or twice yearly event for so long I don’t really remember having a good sex life. When do you call it quits?

    • Karen
      October 2, 2014

      I’m asking that question myself.

      • Hurt and angry too
        October 14, 2014

        So am I.

  32. Jon
    October 31, 2013

    Don’t forget that a verbally, or even worse physically abusive female (i.e an alcoholic) will make a man see her as completely undesirable. No matter how beautiful she aesthetically is

    • ButterflyWings
      November 1, 2013

      I don’t know Jon… my ex married the mistress who bashes him on a regular basis. Some people are drawn to abusers. Don’t know why.

  33. Tammy
    January 4, 2014

    Me and my husband have been best friends since met. He has always been my rock and we have been through a lot over 11 years of marriage. His work has always been very important to him and he has always been trying yo get the next promotion and I have always been supportive. Recently his promotion moved us away from all of our friends family and oldest son. He is 18 he is my son from a previous marriage but my husband has his Dad since he was 7. Since have hot here he has become very distance. It’s not just about sex. He doesn’t kiss anymore or even tell me he loves me. I feel so alone I don’t know anyone I homeschool our 8 year old. So I am at home just me and him all day everyday. I love my son very much bit I miss my husband so much that I feel myself getting very depressed. He never initiates sex and I when I try he tells me that he is to tired. I even said something about how he never even kisses me anymore with no resolve. Now he doesn’t even tell me he loves when I tell him I love him. I’m crying all the time. I have no one here. My family is still mad we moved. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

  34. MT
    January 11, 2014

    My partner had never had a high sex drive in the 4 years we’ve been together. We had more sex in the beginning, not a lot, not as much as I would have liked. I thought it was becuase he lived with his brother and we didn’t get much privacy. Although I lived on my own, so I know now that privacy wasn’t the issue.
    As we didn’t live together for the first two years of our relationship, I thought perhaps it was because we didn’t see each other every day. So when we finally moved in together, I was hoping it would bring us closer sexually. In fact, it made things worse. Sleeping in the same bed with me always beside him, has made him less inclined to nudge me for a bit of fun time.
    I am almost 36 and desperately want to have children, so it’s a MASSIVE issue in our relationship that he doesn’t want to have sex.
    I am having a realy hard time at work, and no one knows how much of a hard time I’m having at home in the bedroom.
    I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not me but of course when you feel so low, you don’t see reason.
    So I continue, to dress nice, put in my fake smile and keep living each day in emptiness.
    I have spoken to my partner about this, it’s not like he doesn’t know how much I’m suffering.
    It feels like it’s almost some form of abuse by not having sex with me, I am so angry.
    I truly love him but if he doesn’t change his bad sexual behaviour, I will have to leave him.
    Would that make me a bad person?

    Although I don’t see myself ever being with someone else, or ever having children because it takes a while to get to know someone before you have a child with them. As I said, I’m almost 36. So it’s not going to happen. I am afraid I will be miserable forever, as all I’ve ever wanted was a family.
    Thanks for reading my delema.

    MT

    • RS
      February 2, 2014

      Hi! I have they same problem with you MT. I’ve been married for almost 6 yrs. At first, our relationship was okay. We had sex but not often and it was all my effort. I tried to concentrate to settle down as i came from other countries. Suddenly, my husband completely switched off. I have spoken to my husband about this. He went to his GP, the GP said his testosterone was ok and he saw a psychologist. The GP advised him to give up smoking as he thought because of circulation problems as he couldn’t get an erection. However, until now he is still smoking.He said that he had a psychological problems.I am really worried because all i wanted is to have a family. Also my husband is a lot older than me.
      Sometimes I can’t help myself to be emotional. Now, i thought while my husband is fixing himself, i may study.If ever my husband get his libido back, should i get pregnant straight away or wait for awhile to priority my career.
      What should I do?

    • MB
      April 27, 2014

      MT, I can relate…I am only 30 but married at 25. My husband is 44. I am in the same boat. My husband will not have sex with me unless he feels like it, which is once every few months. What you said about wanting children jumped out at me because I also want to have kids, but my husband doesn’t. How does your husband feel about having children? Before I was married, I told my husband that I wanted children and he seemed to be fine with it. Now I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t want them at all…I still love him dearly, but I am very disappointed.
      That might explain the lack of sex in your marriage and mine. After all, sex is the way to conceive children. So I think that maybe some men figure that if they avoid sex with their wives, they don’t have to worry about an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. My husband has dropped hints that he will only be intimate with me again if I decide to use birth control and I can’t for medical reasons. I also don’t want to use birth control because I want to have at least one child. Apparently he never wanted kids at all and instead of being honest with me from the start, he avoids the subject and avoids intimacy completely. That is unfair because I’m still young…I want a sex life and I want a family. I was an only child and I grew up with a lot of abandonment, neglect, and emotional/verbal abuse. Because my husband refuses intimacy and does not want children, I feel like I’m being rejected once again.
      I see girls/women younger than myself who are in happy relationships and it seems like many of them are either expectant mothers, or they’ve had children and seem to be happy with life.

      • Butterflywings
        April 28, 2014

        Can you tell him if he’s so insistent on birth control, why doesn’t he go get the snip? He’s the one who doesn’t want kids after all

  35. Miranda
    January 19, 2014

    but what should I do? because we just have 1 year of marriage and we are in our early twenties, this isn’t supposed to happen at this age. I don’t like to masturbate and I don’t even think about cheating on him just for sex, but this makes me sick, at first we used to do it every day, but now is like once a week and just when he wants to, maybe the problem is me but I feel like a hungry man in this relationship I even dream about sex with other people just because he doesn’t give it to me

  36. Jessica
    February 26, 2014

    As I lay here reading all of these posts, tears are streaming down my face. I lay here beside my husband who yet again tonight has turned me down and made another excuse as to why he won’t make love to me. Tonight it was that “his back hurt.” We are both in our late 30’s and have been married for 4 years and together for 6 years. In the beginning sex was wonderful. We couldn’t get enough of each other! And then almost like it happened overnight, he stopped wanting to have sex and started making every excuse under the sun. He has had many issues with porn and we have gone through so much fighting because of it. He promises me now that he isn’t looking at it anymore but with the past issues we’ve had, I don’t believe him. He promises he isn’t being unfaithful in any other way either. This article is wonderful except for one thing…..I don’t want to just be my husband’s “friend”! I have friends to just be my friends. I want to be his lover and his wife!

    • Sheila
      February 27, 2014

      Hi Jessica,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I guess I’d say that if it looks like there’s an underlying reason, like porn, you really have to confront him and deal with it. Maybe go see a counselor, and ask him to come? Or insist that you look at his computer and phone? I’d see a counselor yourself first so you have someone to walk you through the process of confronting him and laying down some firm boundaries, but you really can’t go on like that, and things won’t change until you bring them to a head.

      Blessings to you!
      Sheila.

    • RS
      March 2, 2014

      I know what you feel Jessica. We have exactly the same situation. But the different is my husband a lot older than me. I thought this only happens to the guys who are in their late 50’s.Now i know it doesn’t matter how old your partner is. It is a very painful experience when we are rejected. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t help to be sad and cry all the time because of this. I do hope there are solutions of these problems soon.

  37. James Dean
    March 18, 2014

    My husband has a pornography addiction too and what you say sounds right he never even wants to touch me anymore but if I try to talk to him he only gets mad so pretty much nothing I can do to fix it….

  38. lac
    March 24, 2014

    For all of you out there who suffer with a high sex drive and are with someone that has a lower sex drive or no sex drive at all…..Ive found a possible solution. Drink Spearmint tea …….drink it all day long. I use one tea bag over and over. This will lower your drive to where you dont care if he doesnt want sex or not. It really is a very miserable feeling to be horny and get turned down by your significant other all the time. Drinking spearmint tea took care of that frustration for me. Im no longer interested either, so now we are on the same page…and it has restored some harmony to our relationship…as I was always asking for sex and he was always turning me down. …..I didnt think 2 -3 times a week was alot,,,,,but once a month was more his speed……it was driving me crazy……..you can also chew spearmint gum…. just consume spearmint like crazy. You cant make the other person interested. the only person you can control is….YOURSELF.

  39. sara
    March 25, 2014

    Would my husbands non sexual marriage with his mom be a reason he wont have sex with me? I have asked him whats up and he uses excuses of well you were asleep and that had never stopped him before….

    • Sheila
      March 25, 2014

      I’m not sure what you mean by your “husband’s non sexual marriage with his mom.” Do you mean that he’s too close to his mom?

  40. J
    April 2, 2014

    Let me begin by saying, this is a Godsend…seeing this post-although old, its HEAVEN SENT! I have struggled for YEARS with being the one with the higher sex drive. My husband has never wanted it as much as I have and it has been difficult for me as a women. Mostly because as women we place much value on our spouses desire or need for us. When there is no need or desire there, we feel there is something wrong with us. I have thought that for years-until recently. HOWEVER, this still doesnt change the fact that nothing in our marriage gets better when it comes to sex. Lets just say-when I do indeed get it, its AMAZING!! but…maybe that is why I want it so often??? I dont know. Truth be told, I have often thought something is wrong with me that I want it more….so the tables have turned. I dont have any friends who can relate so running across this post was a nice change. Its good to see there are other women out there like me that are interested in sex with their spouses and want it more than “he” does…..I almost feel normal.! :)

  41. Su Chang
    April 6, 2014

    Its kind of a relief to read problems of others which are pretty similar to mine. I am at a point where I even doubt God exists. I prayed, cried… and nothing changed. My husband, the father of my three kids, one day decided to stop being intimate with me. The firs reason was he had a lot in his mind, it has been more than three years and nothing happened. I don’t know what to do, I certainly don’t feel loved, I actually think he hates me, but I don’t want to initiate divorce, so I asked him if he wants me and he said “he is perfectly fine the way we are” I am going crazy. He always travel for work, and he doesn’t want our friends to know about us. What do you think I should do? Please help. Thank you!

  42. Sara
    April 26, 2014

    We’ll this is happening to me . I’m 20 years old I’m now married to the guy he’s 17 going on 18 in may we been married for 4 months . And he never wants to have sex with me . But before we got married we went out for a year and he love having sex with me . we did 5 times at once he would always come on to me . and now he rejects me I feel so hurt and it got to the point I hate myself so much . He’s not attractive to me he always mentions something negative about my body like oh you have stretch marks on you ass or some thing bad about me . But he tells me he loves me . And it’s shocking cause he’s only 17 how is this possible unless he’s on pills like trimadols . I don’t know what to do . I love him so much maybe if I had bigger boobs or I was a little taller maybe I’m not good enough oh and he dosent watch porn . But I do catch him checking out girls sometimes . I feel hopeless and he did cheat on me when we was engaged with this slut right before she got married . So I broke up with him . Then we got back to gather he begged me to . And now we’re married I love him very much sometimes I feel like letting him go .

    • Sheila
      April 29, 2014

      Sara, it sounds like you have a lot of issues, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you are both extremely young, and you likely really need some guidance if you’re going to form a life together. I’d really suggest going to see a pastor or a counsellor and asking them to help you work through some of these things. I’m not sure how you’re married if he’s underage, but perhaps there are extenuating circumstances. But you really do need someone to walk through this with you, because it seems as if there are a number of things that are really red flags about your relationship, and you likely really need some help. I’ll pray you find some!

  43. anon
    May 14, 2014

    please help
    my husband never makes love to me nor is here affectionate he is 10 years my junior and he is never interested.
    he has the same excuse every night too tired. if i press him we argue and he says imsex mad
    we have it like once every 3 months and that is rubbish
    he makes no effort at all never any oral or forplay says it makes him feel sick
    he wont even give me a snog aways says that l do or turns his head to avoid me or says i need to get some sleep
    im so frustrated what can ido?

  44. Mrs. T
    June 7, 2014

    I don’t know where to start. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 9 years. We get along really good with an occasional argument here and there. But we always make up shortly after. Yes, I am just like many of your other troubling readers.I will admit my life isn’t perfect, my problem is the lack of sex. At the very beginning of our relationship the sex was great. But shortly after, we had sex maybe 15 times if that, a year. He never wants it or even acknowledges it. I am wanting it constantly, but probably because I never get it. When I would show any sign to let me know that I wanted it, he would brush me off and say he’s tired. Which I can vouch for that he is tired. But really never in the mood. I would think it’s me and cry myself to sleep. Now I battle depression. No matter if I was in shape or not it didn’t seem to make a difference. We are both Christians and I trust him. So I don’t understand what’s wrong. We’ve had many many conversations and he acknowledges the facts, but nothing changes. I’ve tried to get him to see a doctor, counseling or even are pastor. No doing. Now this last month I’ve noticed that he masterbates in his sleep, and not just once but almost every night. I’ve tried to make sense of it all, I looked on internet for reasons but not getting the answer that I need. I pray constantly, and I won’t give up on prayer or the LORD. My husband is aware of his sleeping habits, I kind of told him. If you have any thoughts on any of what I told you, it will be much appreciated. It was nice to read the gentleman comments above also to get a male’s point of you also.
    Thanks again.

  45. EDL
    June 16, 2014

    I am so resentful and angry at my husband because when I initiate he always rejects me. When he is in the mood even if I am tiered or just not in the mood I will give in (and I enjoy it) because I love him. He is a wonderful father honestly he is just amazing with our children. He loves the Lord and he is very helpful around the house. I just feel that when it comes to me there is zero interest. He would much rather spend time with our kids than with me. Sex is hardly ever available. I am extremely resentful that he just doesn’t show any interest in me. We have talked and he has seen a doctor. Stress is not an issue because he has been like that for 6 years. I just don’t know if he loves me. I have put on some weight from my two pregnancies. I just hate the feeling I get from him ignoring me. I just want to hurt him. I am afraid I will call it quits. It’s something I am considering but it’s hard because aside from lack of sex he is a wonderful man. There times when I consider maybe cheating on him just so I can hurt him because I am so angry that I am last in his life.

  46. Dawn
    June 23, 2014

    I have been with my man for five years. Sex has always been an issue for us. It took him a long time to be able to have sex with me and then for a while it was pretty good.Then it stopped again and I found out he was using porn. We have had a lot of fights and it has driven us apart. He has told me that he is not interested in having sex with me. I gained some weight and he called me fat. I have lost some of it but he is still not interested. I have gotten to the point where I am not interested much either as there is no hugging, kissing, touching, etc. When I have asked him about this he says that his needs are the only ones that need to be met. I know he watches and looks at porn but hides it from me. I have gotten very angry over this as I would like to be the one he is interested in. When we end up having sex, it is usually once a month or less and he just does his business in minutes and I am left feeling hurt, used and angry. I have purchased a “toy” but feel dirty using it. I only use it when months have gone by. I have threatened to cheat when frustration has overcome but have not because he is my best friend and I love him very much. I am not sure if he has problems maintaining an erection as sometimes it doesn’t seem to get very hard. But again, I don’t watch him masturbate to porn and he may have no problems then. I am starting to feel very down on myself. He gets angry at the suggestion that there is a problem so talking about it will only lead to a fight. What do I do? I think I could even live without sex if he would show some affection in other ways but he doesn’t seem interested in that. I can’t try to seduce him because I no longer have the confidence to even be naked in front of him. We used to do things together but that has dropped to only doing chores together. He doesn’t want to take me out as it is “a waste of money”. I am trying so hard to make this work but I wonder how long I can. Feeling unwanted and unloved takes a toll on me. I have anxiety and depression and only medication makes it better but it is not removing the sadness anymore. What do you suggest?

    • Sheila
      June 23, 2014

      Hi Dawn,

      That’s so hard, and i can imagine how lonely you must feel.

      I don’t know from your comment, but are you married? If you’re not, then to put it frankly, I wonder why you’re still with him? He watches porn (so he cheats on you), he isn’t affectionate, he won’t talk about it, and he doesn’t show you love. Add these things up, and this is NOT a man that you want to be with. Why be with someone who makes you sad and feel horrible about yourself? The longer you stay with him, the more you’ll sink into depression and the more time you waste with someone who doesn’t even love you. You could be missing out on someone who WILL love you!

      If you’re married, then I’d say this: the porn use must be confronted and dealt with. He will not become more affectionate or more loving, and he will not get over his sexual problems, until the porn stops. He just won’t. It poisons everything. And so he must be told and confronted that he now has a choice.

      I’ve got more information on the effects of porn here. I hope that helps!

  47. Anonymous
    July 23, 2014

    I didn’t realize that this problem is as common as it is. My husband is no longer interested in me either. We’ve been together for five and a half years and we’ve had an almost non-existent sex-life for five of those years. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions. Initially, he stopped wanting sex when I became pregnant with our child. He said he didn’t want to hurt the baby. So, even though I knew we weren’t going to hurt the baby, I went along with it and waited until after the pregnancy. After I had our daughter our sex life didn’t change. At first I was very hurt. I constantly initiated sex with him, only to be turned down all the time. He used all kinds of excuses…headache, backache, he’s tired…etc. etc. Got to the point where I thought everything had to be absolutely perfect in order for us to have sex! Later I figured out he was just making excuses. Then I told myself I would never initiate with him again, because the rejection was just too painful. Then I tried looking for ways to lower my own libido. Because I don’t want to cheat on my husband. We have a family and plans for our future. Well, I haven’t found anything to lower my libido. So, I went through a very rough period of fantasizing of being with other men. And other men wanted me! I didn’t tease other men or be forward with them. I just got hit on a lot…and I wear my wedding ring all the time. I didn’t dress provocatively or ask to be flirted with by men by my actions or anything…I could just tell they were attracted to me. But I avoided all this temptation because I don’t want to be unfaithful. It is SO tempting because there are men who are attracted to me and I want a sex life so bad. I resent my husband a lot. I feel like I wouldn’t be tempted if he’d just do the job. I’m at the point where I’m trying very hard to accept things the way they are…but I’m in denial. I can’t help how I feel. I told him that his rejection is causing a huge rift in our marriage and I have to find a hobby or something to distract me from the problem. And that’s all it is…a “distraction”…it doesn’t solve the problem. I’m a Christian woman. I’m ashamed I’ve watched a little porn over the year. I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to do that. If something doesn’t change I’m going to end up cheating and/or divorcing him. These are both big no’s no’s for a Christian woman. I feel trapped. I sleep on the couch now because I resent him. He hates it when I sleep on the couch…and he’s said there’s something wrong with our relationship. All I can think is…FINALLY I got your attention!!!?!?!?! I want to be a good wife but I feel like I have to swallow dirt to do it. Idk what to do anymore.

  48. gerry
    August 3, 2014

    It is really quite simple in the case if mature men. It us the lack of emotional attraction. After the mid twenties we men stop being driven by hormones and more by intellect and emotion. If your husband doesn’t want to have sex it is because he doesn’t feel close to you. Fix your relationship and the sex will come back.

  49. Kameron
    August 28, 2014

    I would add to #1 that sometimes it’s not a specifically sexual physical problem, like ED, that is causing the low libido. Sometimes, your just really sore from a workout or you’ve got a kink in your back which makes lovemaking a little more difficult.

  50. nancy
    September 9, 2014

    My husband and i have great sex but it is only when he wants it when i want sex he has no desire for it.And always tells me its not me its him. i am hurt he does this often i have got to the point i dont even try.I just wait till he decides he wants it to keep from getting my feelings hurt.

  51. anonymous
    September 9, 2014

    I’m 21 and my husband is 25. I married my husband at age 18… When we first began dating, my husband confessed to me that he had a habit of viewing pornography and masturbating. I wasn’t surprised because most men struggle with it. So I thought I would help him. Well, while we were dating he did not view pornography. Occasionally he looked at some things he shouldn’t have online (he confessed to me) but he hadn’t viewed pornography at all during our dating years. While we dated, we struggled to stay pure. We failed many, many times. We even separated ourselves from each other for a month at one point. We did have a long distance relationship. One night we were have a deep conversation (among many others) about why he had the desire to view porn. I didn’t understand it. So, I became curious myself… I made the biggest mistake in my life and looked it up on my phone. After that, it became a struggle to not look at it. I even struggled with masturbation for the first time in my life. It then went away for a little while and we decided to get married as soon as he graduated from college. So we did. Several months after we married, we were having a bad season. I had this bad feeling in my gut that something was wrong. Our bond wasn’t as strong and he seemed to be working a lot more than usual. It seemed like work became more important than me. Everytime I initiated sex, he pushed me away. It made me really sad and I felt undesirable. That week, he ended up confessing to me that he had viewed pornography while he was driving to work! An hour commute, might I ad! And in the city with crazy traffic!!!!! My heart broke and I was angry. I was so angry because this is how I saw it: he RISKED HIS OWN LIFE TO VIEW NAKED WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart broke. I felt undesirable. I felt low and worthless.

    A couple months later, one night, I decided that I would view porn again and we would be “even”. Eventually I had him watch it with me because I thought it would make me immune and he wouldn’t have the desire to watch it by himself anymore if he watched with me..
    About three years later, here I am, struggling… I even thought I might be bisexual and I even tried to find a woman to experience with.
    I don’t feel whole and I don’t feel satisfied. I feel so incredibly far from God. I believe i am failure. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want to be a slave to my sin but I feel so lost. I don’t know how to get rid of this desire for it. Can somebody please help me???? I am so desperate. I don’t want to tell anyone but I know I have to. What do I do?? Someone help me

  52. Kim
    September 14, 2014

    Is there a way I can get e-mail updates from you every time you post something new re: love, sex & marriage?

  53. Dee. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL HUSBAND AND I SHARE EMAIL,!
    September 19, 2014

    It’s 2 am and another sleepless night. It’s been four years for my husband and I. Been married 25.. He’s under stress from job, worries constantly about our three children and pays for their college, med school private high school, cars, I do not work. He is a very successful giving person who is the best father I have ever seen. Like I said 4 years, I am not overweight, and we always had a great sex life. I get that his desire is hampered by stress, but he has Viagra and has only taken it once with me. The fact that he has no desire to touch, kiss, or even hold my had let alone sex is a horrible, degrading feeling I have been bottling up. Now, I just found another stash of Viagra , bottle had 28 pills and is down to 15. DID NOT QUESTION him about it cause I need more proof, and I don’t know how to approach him about that. Understand that he does everything and gives me everything to make me happy. Please tell me their is another reason beside the obvious to take Viagra. I check his private stash every time he goes out, which is maybe one time a week, but is back within two hours. This time I took the pill that he grabbed tonight because it was in his briefcase wrapped up in a small piece of paper. I want to see how he acts tomorrow. How do I approach this situation. Do I wait and suggest counseling then bring my photos of the pills I take each time I look? Or do I kill him with kindness and hope he tells me something.

    • anonymous
      September 19, 2014

      I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you are worried and why you are worried. Kill him with kindness while doing so. Not sure how he will react, but however he reacts, you just be loving and kind. Be honest and confess what you have seen. Relationships need honesty.

    • Sheila
      September 19, 2014

      Hi Dee,

      I think you absolutely need to confront him. This is really serious. But before you do that, I’d suggest talking to someone yourself first–maybe a counselor or a friend or a mentor, and pray through it. Realize that even though he has been responsible for everything financially in your marriage, you are still a strong person in your own right. God is with you. God can see you through this no matter what. You have to know that and feel it before you talk to your husband, because otherwise you’ll be too scared and needy (which is totally understandable, but counterproductive). Your hope has to be in God, not your husband. No matter what happens, you will be okay. God will see you through.

      Ask God to shed the light on what is going on, and then when you confront him, gently tell him that if he is having an affair, you won’t tolerate it.I’d suggest reading the book Love Must Be Tough, too, because it’s a really good on for women in your situation.

      You can tell him that you are more than prepared to work on your marriage, to make it fun in every way, and to rediscover your sex life together. But you can’t do that while he’s with someone else (if he is), and you won’t share him. You need to have the courage to say that first, and to be at peace with it, before you confront him. So again, talk to someone else, pray, cry it all out, and then you’ll be better prepared to do what needs to be done.

      Prayers for you! I’m so sorry, but I have seen God rebuild so many marriages, and I have full confidence that he can rebuild yours, too!

  54. Sheila
    September 23, 2014

    W e have talked about this situation so many times over the years and I just refused to talk about his with him any more. There have been no changes at all. We are like brothers and sisters and sleep in the same bed but there is no intimacy at all. I have cried and cried about this situation. I have prayed and prayed about this situation. I believe that since he does not have a desire for me that he must be gay. I think he is running away from this and I no where is at all times throughout the day and nights. I believe that when he was younger probably in his childhood that maybe he was aware of that fact and has been running away from the problem. I believe that he may had even has an encounter with a male when he was younger. There is no proof but only my belief. I was the first person he had sex with and he was about 28 years old. Even when we were dating, the warning signs were there because there was hardly no sex at all. When we got married I had to beg him for sex. I begged and begged over the years that I refused to beg now. The first year was difficult because we had sex probably once a week or sometimes once a month. We had one child who was a pound and five ounces at birth. He lived to be eleven years old. The child is what kept us together because I needed help in taken care of him. My son the was so severely multiply impaired and he needed 24/7 care. I did not have the time to think about the lack of sex and after my son passed, the problem existed. We may have had sex maybe 50 times in the last 25 years of this marriage.

  55. Seldom
    September 30, 2014

    Over the last decade my husband worked very very hard at rejecting me sexually. Why would I want to pursue someone further who so persistently defuses my advances? So I stopped. The roles are somewhat reversed now but the memory of it happening, I think, will always be there. I have no more desire.

  56. Bri
    October 1, 2014

    Hi, I’m Bri.

    I had a question in regards to sex for my husband and I. I had been a virgin my whole life until I met my husband, so I’m a little on the shy side still when it comes to telling him what I like when he asks me.. My husband on the other hand wasn’t a virgin before me and is more vocal. He says it turns him on easier if I can be more vocal for him in these terms, but I just don’t have the courage to do so. But besides that, I have been having trouble though figuring out what to do in a certain situation that comes up every so often. My husband will initiate the mood for sex about half the time, but when he does, he will want me to do something to help stimulate him that I don’t necessarily like. The problem is though, when I tell him I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t seem pleased and other things that I try to do to help stimulate him don’t work, therefore making him lose his drive that he even used to initiate everything. So I’m left sort of in the mood still but angry because he seems to turn selfish by wanting me to do something I don’t want, but if I don’t both of us can’t be stimulated any further. So I have two questions:
    1) What am I supposed to do so that he knows I don’t want to do something I feel pushed to do, without killing the vibe for
    both of us? &
    2) How do I brave up enough to tell my husband what I like for him to do, because he says it helps turn him on more?

    Thanks

    • Sheila
      October 1, 2014

      Hi Bri, that’s a great question, and I’ve written about it before in several places. You may find this post helpful, or this one. Thanks!

  57. lucy
    October 9, 2014

    Hi there. We had a baby 14 months ago and haven’t had sex since I was pregnant I’ve spoken to him a lot about it but he said there’s no problem he feels closer to.me now.more than ever after having the baby but he’s just not bothered I used to have a real problem with sex before the baby in was embarrassed by the weight I’d gained but I had become really good hense getting pregnant he watched the baby being delivered and I wondered if that caused the issue we’ve had a rough 14months as very little sleep and found adjusting to being parents we are tactile and always hug and cuddle.in bed it’s just sort of disappeared. He’s said before that the fact I am constantly stressed and worried and the house isn’t a relaxing atmospheres is a turn off i think it’s my fault for always looking a mess and the house always being a tip etc I feel I push him away and I’m not a very good wife he has been a bit short with me of late and I often get jealous of his obvious love for our child his kisses and cuddles he gives him he says it’s just not a problem but he used To find lack of sex a problem before I’m totally paranoid he’s going to leave me and I think I drive him mad any advice would be great

  58. Mariann
    October 10, 2014

    Reading this article really helped me feel a little bit more understood.

    I am a 24 year old almost full-time Nanny and I also go to College full-time. My husband and I have been married for over 4 years, we were physically separated for over 2 years because of my Visa application to the US. Now we’ve been living together here for almost 2 years. We are great friends, enjoy each others company, but I feel like sex was an issue from the beginning on. Ever since I moved to the US, he’s not really shown a great libido. We often talked about sex via skype or on the phone where he said we would try and make love at least once a day.
    Well, since months the case is that we actually have sex about once a month or even less. I am the one who initiates and I am also the one who brings it up often, which usually ends in an argument. He’s done a testosterone test, the values are fine. We bought some natural supplements, because he’s had serious erectile dysfunction issues, the doctor he saw agreed to that treatment. He’s been going through a lot of stress, being unemployed several times for several months. But things are finally better in that area, nevertheless he does not want to even TRY. i know I have an attractive body, I am slender and tall, and so I know that it’s not really my fault. I am really at a loss here, I’ve tried all the tricks, encourage him, praise him, make him feel better. But weeks and weeks go by and everything and everybody else is more important. It’s not that the sex is bad, quite contrary once we actually have sex it’s amazing, but once a month is just not enough for me. I told him that numerous times, I have prayed about it, but I would really like any help or advice.

    Thank you

  59. OCJoe
    October 19, 2014

    Just read the rules, I bet my first comment won’t get published so let me try again within those confines.

    I’m not interested in having sex with my wife anymore and I’ll explain EXACTLY why.

    1. Physical Problems Can Make a Husband Not Want Sex
    I’m out of shape and she is too. I don’t feel like trying if she’s not going to either. And I’m depressed but my Dr. didn’t think so because I was stoic about it.

    2. Stress/Emotional Problems Can Lower a Guy’s Sex Drive
    Yes, and she has ADHD which presents some unique challenges in getting my needs met. Work, kids, house, bills etc. We are unequally yoked, as some might say.

    3. Lack of Friendship Can Quench Desire
    We get along fine if that’s what you mean. Frankly, that’s not enough for me. Marriage to me means something different, more.

    4. Pornography Use Can Obliterate a Man’s Desire for His Wife
    Porn does affect our relationship now but only because it hurts me to much to see other people having fun together. It was never a problem until this point. It was never unrealistic expectations or some false reality that I tried to hold her to.

    5. Maybe There is No Reason for His Low Sex Drive
    Some people are a-sexual, or so close to it that on a spectrum they seem to be compared to a person on the opposite end. That’s us I guess.

    I refuse to be vulnerable or put time in with someone that is incapable of being responsible with my emotions and needs. So no, I no longer want to be or have intimacy with her.

  60. Seamus
    October 20, 2014

    Dear Sheila,

    I think my situation is a bit different from most of the posts that I have read. You see, I do not want to have sex with my wife, not over porn or lack of a personal sex drive. I do not watch porn excessively, or cheat, I find the whole act overwhelming to me and I feel that I have reached my thresh hold of tolerance, as I am now numb to it. I go by the book, not denying her by giving my wife pleasure, but I am not pleased nor want to be. I know that due to my past before marriage I was molested, and came from a broken home. I understand the logic of why I may be feeling this way, and has sought out help. I have explained to my wife this and she understands but has threatened me with divorce if I give up sex with her ( No pun, I am serious). Every where I turn all I see is, people who have reached out to have sex with me, in front of her even, I have no friends because of this, as it is troublesome. I am devoted to my wife but wish to be celibate in our marriage. Before marriage I educate myself on how to satisfy a women so I would be fully prepared going into a marriage, all the skill that I have has become a chore, another job which leaves me empty not from satisfaction but from the realization that I feel nothing. I tend to her yes and for 15 years have initiated everything for her but I am exhausted in my efforts, for as second nature as they are to me, I would very much like to do with out the stress of it all.
    I know people will say try something new with her, which I have. I have always looked for knew ways to please her elevate her to the next level. For some time pain was my only outlet, this she refused to partake in. Understand I do not Masterbate, or seek companionship from some one else, it was always about feeling which sadly, I do not experience. Pain is no longer satisfying, images nothing, I know I satisfy her but it gets harder and harder to put out when afterwards she wants to tend to my needs, which at this time I do not have. My plumbing works, I just do not want to use it at all. I do not want a divorce as I feel that I am a good provider and husband. I just don’t want for myself. Hope you can understand!

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