Wifey Wednesday: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line

When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line
Texting and Facebook can all too often wreck marriages. Today I want to talk about a letter I received from a woman recently. She writes:

I love my husband very much, but one thing that bugs me is that he is always receiving texts from another woman at church. He thinks it’s funny, and he keeps texting her back, but the texts don’t stop. I think it’s inappropriate for a married man to text with another woman, but they both think it’s harmless. Help!

So what should this wife do?

At the same time, I recently read an article that quoted a British study which found that Facebook was implicated in one out of every eight divorces. I personally know a few divorces where Facebook played a major role, because someone reconnected with an old flame.

So I thought today we should address the whole technological threat to one’s marriage.

Let’s start with some basic rules.

1. In marriage, there shouldn’t be secrets. That means you should be able to use each other’s phones.

If your husband won’t let you use his phone, or you hesitate before turning your phone over to him, you have an issue. You should never be texting or talking to someone of the opposite sex in a way that would make your mate upset. Everything should be interchangeable.

I know many of you have friends that you talk to on Facebook who are guys. I’m not saying you can never comment on a guy’s status, or “Like” someone’s status. I’m just saying that if you’re tempted to turn the computer screen away so your husband won’t see, you have an issue.

2. Remember that work relationships can easily cross the line

If I can be totally transparent here, the only times in my marriage when I have even been remotely attracted to another man has been in a work situation, when that guy really did not know Keith. Now, those things never went anywhere, and it wasn’t as if I had a crush or anything, it’s just the only times I ever even noticed that a guy was attractive were in scenarios where my husband didn’t know the man, like during my university days.

In a work situation, it’s very easy to think of yourself as separate from your husband, because your coworkers don’t tend to know him. And that’s when these things can creep in.

Now, I haven’t been in very many work situations in my marriage, so this really hasn’t been an issue for me. But most men are in these work situations all the time, and many women are constantly, too. We need to guard against these things.

So set boundaries where you work, and don’t start texting or Facebooking a coworker inappropriately.

I was texting a co-worker (someone I’m often on tour with) recently about a few things, but Keith was right in the car with me, and I was reading it as I texted it. (and laughed and read his reply out loud to Keith, too). I don’t think that’s a big problem. But texting constantly, when your husband doesn’t know, is wrong.

3. Don’t chat

Communicating information is one thing (sometimes with coworkers we have to); chatting is an entirey different story. I can’t really think of a scenario in which Facebook chat with a man who is not your husband is appropriate. If he needs counseling, for instance, you’re not the one to give it to him anyway. If it’s an old friend you’ve just found after twenty years, it’s more important to write a long “catch up” letter, with pictures of your kids and husband, etc., then it is to chat.

Chatting really starts a relationship and some intimacy, so don’t do it.

4. Talk about these boundaries with your husband

If it’s your husband that’s violating these boundaries, you need to talk about it. But asking him about a specific woman will often backfire. Instead, why not wait until you’re both relaxed and having fun, and then ask if you can talk about general boundaries.

Ask him what he’s comfortable with you doing: does he think it’s okay for you to text other men? To talk on Facebook to other men? To go out to lunch with male coworkers? How should you decide? Make it about you first. Then talk about him. Can he text other women?

Ask if you can regularly use his phone, and tell him he’s always welcome to check your phone. Leave it in a central place, and ask him to do the same.

If he can’t agree, then you have an issue, and you need to speak firmly about that. Affairs often begin over an emotional connection that people have made, and it’s easy to make that emotional connection over technology.

The problem with texting and Facebook is that while they can easily start a relationship, we see them as far less personal than phone calls, so we’re far more likely to do them. I may never have picked up the phone and called an old boyfriend, for instance, but if he’s up on Facebook, that’s when people find it easy to “chat”. You wouldn’t phone, but you’d chat, and quite honestly, chatting can be worse. We’ll often type things we would never actually say, because it seems as if there’s a technological boundary between us. But there really isn’t. And it’s all too easy to step over that line.

This problem is only going to get worse as we’re all connected constantly, so we have to step in now. Set up boundaries. Make an open policy towards everything you do online or with your phone. Share passwords. Let him know that you WANT to be open with him, and ask him to do the same. And then be smart. Just because you don’t feel something for a guy now, and you have no intention of going down that road, does not mean that it wouldn’t develop if you started talking to him all the time. So don’t take the risk, and keep your eyes on your man!

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Comments

  1. Elizabeth Richmond says:

    >I do chat with men who aren't my husband (usually friends from before I got married, which wasn't that long ago), but I use our joint Skype account that is always logged in on both computers (it doubles as a phone line). As a result, we can both see who the other person is talking to and all of the chats. My husband finds this irritating, but the fact remains that he can always see, at any time, what I've been talking about. He's never complained yet. :)

  2. Momofkings says:

    >My mother's marriage has been on the rocks for several years because my stepfather has had an emotional affair with a woman he started texting with from church. She's asked him to stop and he does, for a while, then goes back to texting her or other women. It is frustrating and sad to watch my mother's broken heart time and again.

    My husband and I do not usually chat or text with those of the opposite sex (except family) and we do not go out alone for lunch with a member of the opposite sex. We have also made an agreement not to contact or friend our ex's on Facebook.

    I used to have a problem with having a crush on someone that would happen quite by accident, so now as soon as I feel attracted to anyone, I tell my husband and I avoid that person at all costs until the feeling passes. That nips it in the bud quickly.

    You can't be too careful at protecting your marriage.

  3. >Thank you, Sheila… I think this is an important topic for all married people to grapple with. Boundaries are vital for keeping marriage safe (emotionally) and sacred!

  4. S Club Mama says:

    >I was listening to a Focus on the Family podcast awhile back and they were talking with a married couple that had come through adultery. The wife had cheated on her husband with a co-worker. More women now than ever before are starting affairs at work (because more women are working now than ever). I think that's an important thing to think about when you work outside of your home…and something to chat with your husband about too – as he's probably around other women too.
    As far as the FB thing goes, I agree 100% with what you've written.

  5. >Not able to use the linky from my mobile…heres my link though :) http://hebrews1113.blogspot.com/2011/05/how-to-love-your-husband.html

  6. Anonymous says:

    >So VERY true. I know since I've just gone through this, although it never ended up in an affair it was/is really hard on our marriage. We are pretty open about our online interactions. I always have to check my husband's email to catch important emails because he doesn't check it (except for once a month) and we both know this (not like I'm checking up on him). Last month I found texts from a woman to my husband (somehow they defaulted to his email), one was a message and the other six were pictures of her.(thankfully clothed but still!!) Since my husband works out of town a lot and works late hours I couldn't contact him until about 9pm that day.. that was probably one of the hardest days of my life! My mind just went crazy with scenario's and I was on the verge of breaking down all day. Thankfully I remained calm when I brought things up, I didn't accuse him of anything but rather asked him to explain things. We had a really long talk that night. (no affair emotional or sexual happened, but a line had been crossed) Things are better now between us as we've gone through the boundary talk again, but it is definately a very hurtful experience. Even though I don't want to be 'that' wife constantly checking on her husband the need is there at times to know and be reassured that what he is telling me is the truth. My trust took a beating and it needs some TLC and thankfully my husband is understanding that I will need to search his phone at times, ask him questions about things in order to get that trust back.

    For me, I use the thought of, 'If my husband were standing right here beside me, would I still be doing/saying this?'. Like someone said earlier, we need to be alert and on guard to protect our marriages!!

  7. Tina Hollenbeck says:

    >This is a very important topic that I find a lot of people discounting. I went through a situation a year ago where a male friend from church started flirting with me – IRL, not online, but in such a way that no one else but me would have known if I hadn't spoken up. I sure didn't want to get him in trouble – he really is a good friend! – but it freaked me out and I was worried for him and his marriage, too. I got some counsel, told my husband, and then called my pastor…who very appropriately held my friend accountable. What's sad is that our friendship is basically gone – because he's had to set up a boundary of not really talking to me anymore for his own sake (we both know neither is mad at the other, though). I miss him as a friend, but I wouldn't have it any other way if that's what he has to do to maintain his marriage vows. My pastor has told me the man is grateful I spoke up to get him off a slippery slope.

  8. Anonymous says:

    >My husband and I recently suffered a rather serious blow to our marriage because of technology!

    There were several areas where he had crossed the line and quickly started sliding down a slippery slope! He started chatting with a woman he met playing online games through FB. Most of the chatting was innocent, but he definitely crossed the line a few times by making inappropriate comments… things he would never say to someone he knew personally. Because it was online it didn't seem as "real". And he certainly hid the "friendship" and chatting from me! When I found out he immediately defriended the woman and we put tracking software on his computer so I can see every site he's visited, every chat and email.

    As part of the reconciliation process, we also discussed his relationship with a widow in church. He's helped this woman with her son and the woman would often text and email him. I was able to explain to him that even though he considers the relationship completely innocent, he may be sending the wrong signal to a single woman. Women often read things into comments and form an emotional bond without the man realizing it! Now he reads me the texts or emails and I help formulate answers that keep the relationship friendly but not too friendly! Since then, her emails and texts have significantly reduced!

    As we discussed these issues God did an amazing work in our marriage! We are closer now than ever (celebrating 20+ years of marriage)! We realized that although we would both say we were extremely happy in our marriage, we had both "checked out" and were doing our own thing. As we've been intentional about spending time together and doing things together our love for each other has grown!

    Thank you for discussing this important topic!

  9. >My Fiance and I had a similar boundary issue a few years ago. He didn't understand my concern, but thankfully he loved me enough to change his behavior anyway. Then a few weeks later he did understand. :)

    In the middle of the whole thing I dug in to the scriptures and wrote a little piece of on the importance of jealousy in a relationship. I shared it above in the linky (even though it is actually a couple years old, is that ok?). I hope that it might be helpful for some people.

  10. I think texting and chatting are fine. I’m not the type to initiate those things but I’ve replied to them, sometimes with my husband there, sometimes not. In this digital age, it’s like getting a phone call. I’ll even tell Hubby, “Oh, I talked to so and so today” just as I would with a phone call. I’m often the one organizing events and bible studies so I get calls about what’s going on, or people know my husband is away with work and call to check up on our family. I am incredibly careful with my demeanor and avoid a man if he makes me feel awkward. Those are my lines.

    The line is probably being crossed in the example of the woman who wrote the question. The man and woman don’t consider their texts harmful, because they know there is nothing behind them, but the wife has stated that she is uncomfortable and nothing has been done to include her or be more transparent and that’s the problem. It is not because of some rule about married people talking to the opposite sex…in my humble opinion of course.

  11. That’s the way it goes but will anyone ever admit their true intentions? Everyone knows what they are doing ….no matter how innoscent they try to make it out to be. It is what it is

  12. This is an absolutely great article. I went through a divorce a year ago for various reasons on both sides. My wife and I were married one year. We relocated so she could take a job that she ended up quitting after a month. This left me driving 60 miles one way to work every day, and my job requires late nights sometimes too. Anyway, her time she spent at home after quitting her job was spent texting and on Facebook. Her phone was constantly going off while we were out at dinner, etc. Basically all the time. I went to unplug her phone one day to plug mine in and a text conversation from an ex boyfriend popped up. A very inappropriate conversation. Needless to say I started checking her phone while she wasin the shower because she never left it laying around except when she got in the shower. Anyway. I came to find out her mom had been badmouthing me starting two months after we were married because I had some past baggage I brought into the marriage and my wife was badmouthing me to other men, blaming me for the situation we were in even though we moved there for her and I took my job that I still have for her.All I’m staying to anyone that is in a relationship that struggles with this….technology is great but it is also a crutch. Set boundaries with your significant other with phones and Facebook and stuff like that at night when you have your few hours together. I used to put my phone on silent in the evenings so I wouldn’t be disturbed during the short time I got to spend with her. Also, from experience, if you don’t want your significant other reading it then you probably shouldn’t be typing or sending it. My advice, just be totally honest and open and COMMUNICATE.

  13. it’s an issue too between me and my husband. My husband met a co-parent in my son’s dormitory. My son and this woman’s son are roommates and are good friends too. Apparently , my husband and the other kid’s mom became friendly maybe because they see each other twice a week whenever they come to pick up the kids and bring them back to the dorm. At first, i did not mind the texts and calls. They are usually about our kids’ activities, etc. Then, when my son got sick, the woman kept texting my husband about my son’s condition. Later on, her kid started to ride in the car with my husband. It was then when the calls and texts became frequent. The woman would text my husband’s whereabouts when its time to pick up the kids every 10 minutes or less. And my husband would reply to all her texts. One time i noticed a text message which was obviously just a follow up to previous conversations. My husband deleted the previous texts. And when i asked why all of a sudden he deleted the texts , he said because he knew i’m the jealous type and the texts might upset me. This made me really furious coz it just meant that the texts messages aren’t innocent anymore and if my husband thought i’d get mad at the woman’s texts then obviously he finds the texts to be something that might offend me. I confronted my husband and he insisted it was all innocent. But i didn’t believe him. I asked him why is the woman so comfortable in talking and texting him when he told me that he never talk to her in person and don’t see each other in the dorm. I told him, no woman in her right mind would be texting and calling another man’s husband when they are not close. I told my husband to stop all communications with the woman and forbade him to talk to her ever. I got suspicious and saw emails between the two of them. My husband would delete the emails but i saw them in the recycle bin. Innocent, duh? The texts messages and calls didn’t stop instantly. it took another serious fight when my mesage finally got to my husband. See, how so called , “harmless and innocent messages” turned to personal things and an emotional affair. Still, the damage has been done. And up to now, i can still feel the pain. It ruined my happy relationship with my husband. And I dont think i could fully trust him again. Guess, i would never feel thesame way with him again.

  14. What if your husband is sending pictures to a co worker and telling her he wants to jump her bones and he misses her a ton I’m so confused we have been together for 1.5 married since may I can’t even look at him the same I’m not sure I can get it back he took the picture in the kitchen sat his phone face down it just make me sick to think he would do that to me I’m very open I leave my phone out introduce him to all my old friends his text are normally limited to 2 and he would say that’s all he got all day I guess he forgot to delete them on a day he made me feel uneasy hmm so much more led up to me suspecting something I’m just at a loss and I feel like retaliating in the worst way

  15. My hubby and i decided to only be fb friends with people of the opposite gender if we are also friends with their spouse. It’s a little thing, but it helps maintain good boundaries.

  16. What do you do when you want to keep honesty open with your spouse, but he gets jealous and it hurts him? For example, I am on facebook, my husband is not. I tell him when men try to chat with me, or hit on me, or try to friend me on facebook. It upsets him that so many men seek me out. I was told that I should not have to tell him every single time it happens, but I hate the idea of hiding it from him. I also get hit on a lot when I’m running my errands. I tell him when I do, but he gets sad and jealous. Should I stop telling him?

    • Why don’t you set up your FB as a joint account? Put his name in the title with yours and have your profile picture of the two of you instead of just you. That’s what I do. My husband really doesn’t want a facebook but I included him in mine for several reasons. One so his family and old friends could find us and Two, so it could keep BOTH of us accountable. Hope this helps! :)

  17. merrypippin says:

    What if your husband could care less if you text other men, and he even ASKS you to text his friends on a more regular basis because he doesn’t want you to come across as rude?? I am constantly confused at my husband’s desire for me to interact with other men. Would he have a problem with me meeting up for lunch with an old boyfriend? Yes. But pretty much any contact aside from that, he encourages. I feel 110% different than him. I don’t think texting, calling, skyping, facebooking, etc, any other women is at all appropriate and definitely not necessary. I talk to his friends plenty when we’re all in a group setting. But to add private communication with them to my daily schedule, is just downright weird! I swear, my husband is the most trusting husband of all husbands ever created. I have had heart-to-hearts with him before that I know for myself personally, it would not be good to have continual conversation with another man. He just dismisses that by saying, “Oh it’s fine, I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.” But I beg him to realize that I am human and not above Satan’s promptings. It is the same when he points out the ripped guy at the gym, or the male model on the underwear packages. Maybe he’s just trying to “prove a point” that just because there is an attractive person doesn’t mean you have to take it too far in your thoughts. For personal reasons and something that happened to me to make me this way, I am extremely threatened by ANY attractive girl. Maybe he’s trying to show me that he isn’t intimidated by other attractive men, so why should I be of other women??

  18. DVColorado says:

    Things like this make me hate technology. Once the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s gone! If you think it’s harmless to text/email as described in this article, you are wrong and in denial. Respect the relationship!

  19. My wife texts a male in what I consider excessive. I have found sexual explicit conversations with a different guy, when confronted, I was told it was my fault for not paying attention to her. I called the guy, his response was, if you treated her right she wouldn’t text me. What?
    It appears now we can get “self justification” for these affairs.
    Enter the new guy, and well, it hurts.

    • Bill, I’m so sorry. Yes, people they can justify it. But the truth is they can’t, and God really does see what goes on in the heart. I pray that He’ll help you deal with the loneliness and betrayal.

    • I am so sorry, I know how you feel.. Its not justifiable period, did she communicate to you how she was feeling prior to this. I feel alone a lot but, i would not go as far as to cheat or have inappropriate conversations with someone even though the vengeful side of me wants to cause him pain.. I tell my husband what I am feeling at the time i feel it. I ask him since he is the one who betrayed me how he would feel if i did it to him.. honestly he is lucky I am still around and not filing for divorce. The problem is everyone wants to point there finger in her case its at you.. but in reality she chose to do what she did instead of trying to work it out with you.. unfortunately people don’t honor their vows, people get selfish, people blame others, and people dont want to take responsibilities for their own actions.. I am a firm believer that either you grow together with work or you grow apart.. takes work to stay together that’s for sure I still have no trust for my husband but I am trying if she doesn’t want to stop and work it out with you let her go you deserve better.. The first thing i told my hubby when i found his text is to pack it up so i can take you to her since you miss her so much funny thing is we have only been married 2 months when it started i said if you don’t want to be here by no means do i want you here.. and that is a promise I hope you can work it out I am still fighting myself to work out mine sorry bout the rambling ..

  20. What about my daughter’s boyfriend (14) who happens to be my son’s best friend too. Let me be clear, there is no sexual talk nor has there been any line crossing in that sense. Reviews seem mixed on whether adults should be such close friends with children/teens. My wife texts him nearly every day, for hours at a time. I’ve read many of the texts, and they have a lot of common interest in music, my kids, their common upbringing, etc. However she spends so much time and energy on this “friendship” that it’s caused months of fights and anxiety. Much of the banter that goes on is “flirtatious” fighting, bickering, laughing at inside jokes,etc. She does not see it as wrong, as she thinks we should all try to be friends with “everyone” in an increasingly Godless world.

    Please help. Am I not seeing something clearly here?

    Ed

    • Anyone have any feedback here????

    • Hey Ed, although I agree with your wife that we should befriend one another, I disagree that this includes constantly talking, chatting or “innocently” flirting with a teenage boy (or anybody else for that matter). Speaking from my own personal experience, “friendships” such as these tend to turn into emotional relationships, which in turn can lead to physical relationships. Your wife is on a very slippery slope. It seems to me that from your discussions with her, she sees this as no big deal. I would try to change tactics. Instead of focusing on this particular relationship, maybe you should try talking to her about the boundaries in your relationship (hers and yours). Maybe you could say something along the lines of, “Honey, I know that you feel that it’s important for us to befriend other people, especially in this godless world. That’s actually one of the things that I admire most about you! That being said, I think that we should discuss our boundaries, especially as it relates to individuals of the opposite sex.” Then you guys could discuss your particular opinions on what makes for a good boundary, discuss areas for compromise, and then hopefully come to a solution that allows your wife to interact in an appropriate way with members of the opposite sex. Though I’m not married, I’ve often heard that married couples who have opposite sex friends should only be friends with opposite sex individuals who are also friends with the spouse. This keeps the relationship a little more accountable. Also, you guys should probably have free access to each other’s phones, computers, etc; this transparency will encourage both of you to be aware of what you say and do with people of the opposite sex. I know I’m no an authority on his at all! but I hope my suggestions help you!

      • Thank you, DA. It’s reassuring to hear the thoughts of other individuals. I agree that our phones, computers, etc should be open — but how do I have this conversation without her saying “she feels stiffled….as if she’s being babysitted….and that I don’t trust her to do the right thing”.
        She just turned forty, and I know she’s dying for outside attention, particularly from the opposite sex. She says it helps her to be more self confident, which in turn helps her to feel closer to me. I’m torn here.

        • Ed, there may be no way that you can get her to change. But you can still draw boundaries. You can say: “we’re in a marriage, and that means transparency and it means faithfulness. If you can’t give that to me, then I need to reevaluate how much I can open up to you. If you are choosing other people over me, then that will put me in a position where I have to make some tough choices, too.” Basically, right now she can have her cake and eat it, too, so why wouldn’t she? Great books on how to handle this sort of issue are Boundaries in Marriage and Love Must Be Tough, which talk about how to set up boundaries when a spouse is endangering the marriage.

          • Yes, thanks for the thoughts. I know that she’s had her cake and been able to eat it. Good way to put that. There seems to be such a fine balance of being a patient husband and letting her work through things in her own way (knowing that the sparrow when allowed to fly free will return to it’s loving home) versus allowing this slippery slope to become more slippery and damage her heart, as well as our marriage. I setup a meeting with a family conselor, but I’d rather fix it on my own, so she does not feel “ganged up on”. This is hard — and she’s not even cheating (at least in a sexual sense). Am I missing anything here?

          • I think she is cheating. Giving something to someone that you should only give to your spouse is cheating. We see it only in sexual terms, but becoming emotionally attached to someone, or flirting with someone, is also wrong, because those are two things you owe only to your spouse. That’s the way I see it!

          • So do you see a way to ask/tell her to stop without making an ultimatum (i.e. you stop doing this or I leave). Maybe I’m being too nice, but I’m trying to protect my marriage from anything that will break it apart (like an ultimatum that perhaps she would not accept).
            At the same time, I know that this is not right and has to change. Maybe I don’t have a choice? Either hard-line stance from me, and she’s upset and leaves, or some middle ground? This seems so ridiculous with a 14 year old boy. Perhaps I just tell him to stop? I’d rather keep him out of it. But he keeps it going too!

          • Ed, you could also talk to his parents. Tell them what’s going on. Or tell your wife that if she doesn’t stop, you will have to talk to the boy’s parents. What she is doing is really flirting with a line that is completely inappropriate to cross. I think you do need to take a hard line, especially for the sake of the boy.

  21. I need advice. My husband plays online games. Sometimes he gets befriended by women- sometime with scandalous profile pictures. He accepted their friend request because they can help his game. This resulted in flirty conversations with these girls. (In his past, he has struggled with porn addiction, emails to ex-girlfriends, and even joined single sites and discussed meeting these girls.) When I caught a message from one of his online gaming friends asking if he wanted to see more pictures I addressed the problem. He admitted to needing help (he never sought help for his past issues just promised to stop) and has since entered counseling.
    He still plays the game and has since deleted every friend with a scandalous pictures. But- there are still girls that befriend him and he talks about the game. Yesterday, I noticed (we were sitting together on the couch) he was talking to a girl and at the end of it he gave her his actual name (not user name) and that bothered me. I know he is really making and effort to regain my trust and I think he means it completely innocent. AND I don’t know if I am over-thinking this because he has problems in the past and I still have serious trust issues. Is it normal for people to give out their names? I feel like that crossed the line into “chatting.” Am I being irrational and suspicious because of his past?

    • Hey Kimberly, I wouldn’t necessarily say you’re being irrational (due to his history). I personally would never give my real name to someone unless I was chatting with them. I can’t say whether or not your husband is doing this out of naïveté or not, but I would definitely talk to him about this whole topic in general. I believe that when a spouse sins, it is important to forgive and forget. However, I also think that you and he must put up the necessary safeguards based on his past weaknesses in certain areas. I don’t know how open your husband is, but I think that the best thing for him to do would be to avoid chatting, emailing, or even texting women who he is not directly related to. If I know that I have a weakness for alcohol, then I would do my best to avoid situations that make it easy to get alcohol. I would even go so far as to avoid social situations that might lead to alcohol drinking! Why? Because I don’t want to go down that same road. When we see sin as something serious, we are much more likely to take drastic measures to protect ourselves (and our marriage). Try to come at him in a respectful, but loving manner that says to him “Because I love you and want to protect our marriage, I want us to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage safe.” And last but not least, pray that god will touch and change your husband’s heat and opinion on this matter. Hope this helps!

  22. My wife texts back coworkers using my phone and texting as me. She is always uncomfortable with other women in the workplace. I have recently had to tell my boss of this as I do not want it to go on. My phone is always available to look at and I have nothing to hide. I am worried she may do something that will effect my employment. Please help. Thank you

    • This is a very strange situation. I’m honestly not sure what to tell you :-/ I can understand a spouse wanting the right to view your phone whenever they please. But sending messages as if they’re you? That is taking things a little bit too far imo. I would not use that phone to message coworkers anymore. I would even go so far as to delete my coworkers’ numbers from that phone. You could also try talking to your wife about your concerns, but I don’t know how she would take this. I know it’s been a while but I hope that you figured something out by now.

  23. My husband and I are friends with a couple from church. We hang out together and sometimes the wife and I do a girl’s outing. Several times the wife has contacted my husband through Facebook messaging about different things: a few times about the four of us hanging out , another few times just to ask how we are, etcetera… Is it strange that she would FB him instead of me directly to arrange an outing or to ask how we are? I never privately chat with her husband. She knows I am accessible by FB and by phone text. What do you guys think? My husband always tells me when he hears from her. So he is not hiding it and seems not to think anything of it.

    • “Is it strange?” IMO, yes. Should you do anything about it…I’m not sure :-/ So far the conversations don’t seem too bad (however, this can easily be a slippery slope). Your husband appears trustworthy (however, I always tell others that nobody is invincible & sometimes it’s a “slow fade”). For now, I think your husband is doing what he should be doing by letting you know about their convos (kudos to him!). This other woman on the other hand I can only venture to guess why she constantly contacts him instead of you o_O If I were you, I would either 1) talk to my husband about my feelings about this so he could deal with her directly (for instance, he could response to ALL of her messages with “I’m not sure about this outing. Why don’t you run it by my wife…”–eventually I think she’d take a hint ;-) ) or 2) talk to the other woman directly (say something along the lines of “my husband and I have a rule that we don’t message/chat with individuals of the opposite sex unless we’re in the presence of our spouse. If you would like to schedule an outing, feel free to let me know! I’m available at 012-345-6789 and my email is janedoe@internet.com.”). If she responds positively, then you’ll know you had nothing to worry about. If she responds negatively, then she’ll just have provided evidence that her behavior was “strange” and she had an agenda. This is just my opinion of course, take it or leave it!

  24. I’ve recently just gone through similar and I have seperated with my wife after nearly 2yrs. I caught her out a few times in the past before and after marriage using oasis active and her status was seperated. Needless to say this caused arguments and trust issues. She says she was only looking for friends but after the second time I told her if they’re friends she can talk on facebook not a dating site. One day recently I was transfering downloads from my wife’s phone onto the pc and noticed an odd conversation where she asked a guy if he was gay as he sounded it on the phone. Anyway she told me about the message but only the ones she thought I saw. The conversation turned to flirting later that night with him and I saw it all when she went to sleep. There were other guys too she was sexting but this one seemed like dating to me. I confronted her but she kept lying to cover her tracks but I was smart and only let her know what I knew bit at a time, she even told him we were already seperated. I left her but she talked me into having a break until I see a counselor. We even booked a hotel room to stay in but I found the night beforehand she was still texting this guy. She claims she slipped up when telling him we were apart and corrected him in a conversation she had on facebook, conveniently deleted to save space on her phone (yes I know it’s not stored locally) she tried saying we were seperated so it doesn’t matter but even after I then laid down boundaries and specifically said to not sext, she still kept doing it this time on facebook. I let her know I don’t trust her anymore and that I can’t keep doing this so we’re getting divorced. Though even now she wants to work things out with me but she’s still texting other men telling them she wants them, one is even married aswell. She still claims the main guy she texted was nothing but friends and he knew about everything but it’s funny how he has ignored her once I told him the truth. He seemed like a nice guy who doesn’t deserve to be played. And it turned out most of the guys she talked to and met on facebook.

  25. yolanda says:

    I recently looked at my husband’s cell phone and found he was texting other women. He said they are just his friends but he became very upset when I confronted him. He never apologized and we haven’t spoken since that day. I’m on the verge of wanting a legal separation.

    • I’m so sorry you’re walking through this! I’m a firm believer that nothing thrives in darkness; we have to shed light on things, and there shouldn’t be secrets. You don’t need to feel guilty about checking things out or confronting him. Now you just need to figure out how to set boundaries and help him see where he’s heading. One of the best books for that is Love Must Be Tough. I hope that helps!

    • Yolanda, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. If these women were just “friends” there would be no need for him to get upset. As Sheila said above, nothing thrives in darkness. I personally don’t believe that married individuals should make a habit of texting individuals of the opposite sex. Texting is a VERY slippery slope that can lead to other things (I.e., texting lewd images, cybersex, etc.). I know that you are hurting right now but in my personal opinion, separation is not the answer. And giving him the silent treatment won’t help the issue (it’ll only lead to a buildup of anger and resentment–and I’m talking from experience!) You obviously care deeply about your husband (otherwise, you wouldn’t have confronted him after seeing the text messages). Don’t let your feelings of anger/hurt cloud your judgment. What I would suggest you do is sit your husband down and talk to him honestly. Tell him how it made you feel to discover that he was texting other women. Remind him about how much you love him and how much you want to protect your relationship. Then talk about the importance of setting boundaries (I’m pretty sure your husband wouldn’t want you texting other men under the guise of them being “just friends”). If he sees the error of his ways, then good. If he doesn’t, you may want to bring this up with your pastor so that he can try to talk to him as well. I pray and hope that you guys are able to get past this and come out stronger because of it!

  26. My husband and I have been married 21 years…a couple months ago a new single female started working where my husband works…I noticed shortly after she started working there my husband would come home from work be depressed, seem unhappy, wouldn’t talk much to me, was very snappy with me, when he would speak it would be very harsh…and all of a sudden he would tell me things like I won’t have time to call or text you today (when he’d be at work) I would say that’s ok, I know your busy. But no contact during the day was very odd…..back on june 1st 2014 my husbands message alarm went off on his cell phone…the message said ” are you working tonight ? (Which …….sometimes my husband did have to work till late night..I also noticed it was from a females name that I didn’t recognize from his work..when I asked him who it was he got nrevous and defensive…I told him to text her back and ask her why does she want to know that…he wouldn’t do it..doing research in his phone I. Went to recent and frequent calls and saw where for a couple of months they have been texting and calling each other every day 18 to 19 times …and this is from someone who claims he doesn’t have time to talk to me though during the day..strange hua??..I tried to find the text and he said he deleted them…I asked him why did he do that..he said they wern’t a big deal..I told him if there so innocent then I want to see a copy of them through his cell phone carrier …he goes irrate and tells me to drop it…he promised me if she text him again he wouldd let me see it…well he called me Saturday from work and said she text him..he claims he read me all the text but when he got home I wanted to see it and once again he deleted it…he also said he deleted her phone number out of his phone in which I knew her name and phone number..but come to find out he put her number back in his phone but under a guys name but with the same last name..I was furious…he tells me tht if I don’t stop asking him to see those text he’s leaving me…my opinion, if the text and calls were so innocent why did he delete them and why wouldn’t he want me to see them if it meant saving our marriage…anybody got any suggestions ??…please help….he saws nothing has happened but why all the secrets ??

    • JM, I’m sorry about what you’re going through. In this case, I think it’s reasonable to assume that there is something going on between him and this woman. My mom always said, if you have to keep it a secret you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Your husband’s “relationship” may be strictly emotional in nature, or it may have gotten physical. Either way, he has crossed the boundaries of your relationship. What I think is revealing is that the more you pushed to get information about his interactions with this woman, he eventually gave you an ultimatum…as if you were the guilty party! I am totally against divorce, so here’s what I would do. If you attend a church, go and talk to your pastor about this issue. Your husband is sinning against you and against God (I.e., by breaking your marriage vows to abandon all others); and unfortunately, he is not at the point where he sees the need to confess, ask for your forgiveness, and truly repent by breaking off all interactions with this woman. The pastor may schedule a meeting to see him separately or with you (I’m not sure how your particular church works), and will try to get him to see the error of his ways. Your husband may be stubborn at first, but if he is truly saved, I think he will breakdown and admit what he’s done. At that point, you guys will have a long road ahead of you in order to get past this (e.g., counseling, boundary setting, special software on computers, no privacy on phones, shared social media, etc.). If your husband refuses to admit what he’s done, then chances are he is either 1) unsaved, or 2) a backslidden Christian. At that point, talk to your pastor to see what your recourses are. As I mentioned earlier, I am anti divorce; however, the Bible does make allowances for divorce in the case of infidelity. I know that you must be hurting right now because of his actions, but please carefully weigh your options before taking this route (especially since you’ve been married for so long). If you have kids, that may also factor into your decision. I pray that God grants you the wisdom and courage to make any decisions you have to make regarding this issue. Don’t lose hope! Remember to pray constantly (especially for your husband). God can change anybody’s heart!

  27. I started talking to a father of a child from our daughter’s soccer team. He had recently divorced and was always at practice and games. Soon the chats turned into phone calls, facebook, and hundreds and hundreds of text messages-pictures. He was easy to talk to and made me feel so alive. When my husband came to games we always kept it friendly, but of course I knew what I was doing was wrong. Though we never actually had sex, we would make time to get together, hold hands, and cuddle. My excuse was it was one of our daughter’s friends. One day I left my phone out and hadn’t deleted all the messages from one of our late night “talks”. My husband came home from work and picked mine up to call and check on his mother as his phone was dead. The greeting he got was a lewd message that had been left over from the previous night. It simply destroyed my husband. He had a mental breakdown, lost his job of 14 years, and caused a divorce that has absolutely crushed our family. It is a very slippery slope and I never meant for any of this to happen. It just got out of control so quickly I don’t even know how. We are currently in counciling but I can tell my husband will never be the same. I loved my husband dearly and wish I could take this all back. I never realized how he would feel or think about this. Long story short I tried to lie and cover things up initially in panic mode. My husband simply came to a game one day and confronted this man in front of everybody and he confessed. It was and simply is the most humiliating thing I have ever been through, but I still didn’t realize what I had done until my husband actually checked into a mental outpatient hospital. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and all that is left is to pick up the pieces and try and move on. I have lost the love of my life, our kid’s father, and am praying for his health. All because if being stupid and not paying attention to what I already had. Please please please pay attention to your marriage because somethings can never be repaired.

    • Shelly, thank you for sharing your story. It’s a great reality kick in the pants for those who are struggling in this area. I will pray for reconciliation in your family–I have seen it happen, and I do believe that God loves reconciliation.

      • I second Sheila’s comment. Shelly, thank you for your transparency. A lot of times, certain things in life are just slippery slopes that the Devil uses to get a foothold in our life. I pray that God makes reconciliation possible for your family, and I pray that God gives your husband the strength and grace to forgive and hopefully move on from this. Stay strong and keep praying!

  28. I within the last few months found out that my boyfriend was messaging a “friend” that is a woman and the messages were over the line with comments that were being date by both parties. I confronted both of them about the situation, both insisted they’re just friends. After talking to her she admitted it the things being said were inappropriate and it had gotten out if hand and shouldn’t have happened and insisted it would stop. He on the other hand didn’t understand what was wrong! He says he has a lot of women that are friends and this is true and I know some of them but when he hides them and deletes messages from them then yes there is a problem.
    I don’t have a problem with him having friends that are women but he seems to have a few that I don’t know about and he intentionally hides it. It’s not till recently I found out about another one of his so called friends and just like the other one she’s going through a hard time with a separation and divorce. He seems to fall into the trap of being nice and being the man they turn to. I’m completely uncomfortable with this, most of he time it’s not a problem but sometimes situation put people in a place that is crossing the line before it’s realized!!! When it gets brought to his attention that I have an issue with it he acts like it’s not a big deal and tells me I’m either being stupid or silly which only makes things worse. How do I make him understand this is a problem for me or am I assuming to much?

  29. I have a comment/ question to which i hope you will reply, but I DON’T WANT IT TO SHOW UP IN MY E MAIL. IT WON’T WILL IT? I occasionally look at my husband’s text messages and last night found a little exchange btwn him and some woman he works with. I’m sure it is innocent, but i still didn’t care for it. she asked him if he missed her, and they replied to each other back and forth a few times. he also said he missed her too and there were some lol’s and what not. what i noticed was just how witty and charming he was , using emoticons and all. when i text him i receive one or two word replies. and never has he used emoticons in his texts to me.
    I do not want him telling other women he misses them, or things of that nature. I don’t want him texting with other women unless it’s business or family. I was thinking that I would calmly tell him exactly that. should I?

    • Absolutely, Nancy! Absolutely bring it up. It could be that he’s just thinking it’s harmless, but these harmless things can turn into something else, and so it’s better to draw a line in the sand much further back. I’d suggest you both read the book Ask It by Andy Stanley together. It’s excellent about how to avoid these types of situations!

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  1. […] you see a friend starting to go down a dangerous road (like texting a guy from work), tell her to stop. Don’t shy away from confrontation because you want to be polite. Tell her […]

  2. […] certainly can pose a threat to our marriages, as I’ve written about before regarding texting and other technology. But in this instance, it looks like the husband is behaving well. So here are […]

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