51 responses

  1. Thou Art Jules
    January 12, 2011

    >This is so NOT what I wanted to read tonight Sheila! As I sit here disgruntled over my day. I think you have a spy cam here at my house and know exactly what I needed to hear even if I didn't want to.
    I will sleep on it, hows that? lol

    • Corey
      November 27, 2013

      LOL to your response Jules. As a man, I can tell you that Sheila is dead on with her article. My wife wasn’t meeting my needs as a man, but she was quick to tell me her needs and then expect me to meet them. Meeting each other’s needs is a two way street which seems to be a one way street in most relationships where the woman’s way is the only way. I would try to meet my wife’s needs, but my efforts were always short lived because she wasn’t willing to meet my needs. Her needs not being met led to my wife having an emotional affair in 2007-2008 with a neighbor down the street. When that ended, we went to counseling and tried to make the marriage work, but my needs were still not being met and she continued to refuse to acknowledge my need for sex. In 2011, I had enough and decided I was done with the marriage. About a month after I made that decision, I had a sexual affair. We separated soon after in 2011 and divorced in 2013.

      The woman I am dating now meets my needs which make me want to meet hers. I am making her aware of the need for sex through research because I do not want to enter into another marriage where needs are a one way street. I would rather be single and alone rather than go through years of frustration of my needs not being met. I would rather know now, rather than find out a couple years into a marriage, if the woman I am dating accepts and honors my needs or dismisses me like my ex-wife did as it being my problem. Yes ladies, it is that important.

      And, like Sheila mentions, if you are meeting his needs and he is still not meeting yours, then that is just as bad and should NOT be tolerated. Meeting each other’s needs is a two way street.

  2. Jules
    January 12, 2011

    >As women we are so protective, so precious of our own needs. Even those of us not treated as little princesses when growing up think we should now be treated as queens in our own homes. We know – or most of us do – what our husbands need but we tend to dismiss it because their needs are only 'physical' but ours are 'emotional' and therefore – in our eyes – far more valid. Oh shame on us! There have been times in my marriage when I've needed to hear what you had to say – times now even that I need to be reminded. It's so easy to think that when he shows me love I'll respond but that's not love – that's manipulation as you so rightly pointed out. Thank you for this post and for having the courage to write it. Blessings, Jules.

    • Matthew
      January 12, 2013

      I know this comment is really old, but it’s near the top of the thread so I thought adding a man’s perspective on one of your statements might be helpful. :)

      You said that women tend to dismiss their husband’s needs as being “only physical,” whereas emotional needs are more valid. Just as it would help a lot of men to realize this about women, it would also help a lot of women to understand that to a man, “physical” represents reality, whereas “emotional” represents non-reality. To us, emotions can be easily changed (or even better, ignored), but the physical world just is what it is. Therefore, in our minds, physical needs are the ones that are far more valid, because at least they’re real.

      I’m not saying that’s right; it’s just how a man works. The fact of the matter is that both perspectives are obviously needed (or God wouldn’t have created us this way), and we can actually use this difference to make our marriages better. It just takes mutual understanding to do that.

  3. Terry @ Breathing Grace
    January 12, 2011

    >Thanks for the link, Sheila, first of all.

    Secondly, I loved the post. It actually fits a very nicely with what I posted today even though I'd written it before reading your post (hope that's okay!).

    The thing I left out of my post, and that you articulated so beautifully, is that the more I put myself out for my husband (pun unintended, sort of :), the more my needs are met. Not because I manipulated him, but because I have sincerely prayed to God to help me love him in the ways he needs to be love.

    And God has answered my prayers. I'm so very far from perfect, but I moving along on the journey.

    As women, we are told from birth that we can have it all, we deserve to have it all, and that we should settle for nothing less. This is an absurd approach to life but many of us buy into it and put pressure on our husbands to help us have it all and be happy.

    Meanwhile, his needs sit on the back burner. And we wonder why he may have checked out emotionally.

    Again, great post!

  4. Llama Momma
    January 12, 2011

    >This post rings true in so many ways, Sheila. When we meet our spouses needs consistently, our needs get met as well.

    I would say that our needs evolve, depending on what season of life we're in, though. At least in my own marriage they have. For both of us.

    Early in marriage, I would say sex was at the top of the list for my husband.

    And when the twins were little, sleep was a biggie for both of us. (Who was getting up, when.)

    And through a long, stressful season of unemployment, it was respect and companionship. Making sure I planned a night away from home, without the kids, where we could do something fun together.

    And right now, as he's getting in the groove of a new job with a ton of stress: Being available to listen…really listen…without judgement or helpful "suggestions" that I love to make. Just to be there. And I think sex is probably back up near the top again, too.

    Maybe some–even most–men are all about sex and respect. But some are a bit more complicated.

    It's important to know your spouse, and be willing to be the one to meet those needs…whatever they are. It's okay to ask, too. To say, "I want to meet your needs, but I'm not sure what they are." Sometimes the answer is surprising!

    Sheila, thanks for writing these hard posts…the ones that challenge us to get out of our comfort zone!!

    There was

    • empathologicalism
      February 3, 2012

      The reference to “some are a bit more complicated” is a red flag. here you have done, maybe unintentionally, what the author says women do, devaluing the “goodness”….of men’s needs by inflating “complexity” to virtue.

      ALL men are more complicated than that. Its not a dichotomy that EITHER he needs sex and respect OR he is a deeper more complicated being. You are looking at him as if he is a woman, I highly recommend you check this train of thought, its a trick to get around the two things the author mentions, especially the sex….by YOUR judgement sex need went up then down then up…..Ive read this kind of thing so many times women explaining the man, inventing him in her image.

      Im shocked the author didnt correct you

  5. Catherine R. vivalagatita@gmail.com
    January 12, 2011

    >I appreciate you tackling the S subject, Sheila. My hubby and I have a couple issues going on that prevents things from being the way they could be in the bedroom. One of them, which is frustrating for both of us is that we have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. Sometimes it feels like they are awake 24 hours a day and we couldn't "do" anything if we wanted to. The 5 mo is too young to stick in a room by herself and the 2 yo can't really be alone either. It's rough.

  6. Sheila
    January 12, 2011

    >Thanks for the comment! And Jules–sorry for being so convicting :).

    Terry, thanks for your great post today, too! And Llama Mama, you're right, people's needs do evolve. I definitely was oversimplifying. I think a lot of it boils down to respect, though: respecting their opinion, respecting their needs and desires, and not pooh-poohing them or saying "mine come first". If we do respect our husbands, and make it our goal to study them (as you have), then we'll figure things out! (like you did!)

    Catherine, that's hard with your kids. Really hard. I remember those days. I think that would be a great post for another day, because I know you're not alone in this. I think I'll write on it!

  7. Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama
    January 12, 2011

    >Going to accept your challenge and here is my Wifey Wednesday post {linky wouldn't work for me}
    http://www.multitaskingmama.com/2011/01/meeting/

  8. Sheila
    January 12, 2011

    >Melissa–I'll put it in the linky for you!

  9. Anonymous
    January 12, 2011

    >Ah Sheila…. awesome post. Near brought me to tears just for the truth in it and the gut-level wishing that more wives would just GET this….

    Thanks for writing what I so often wish I could say.

  10. Momma J
    January 12, 2011

    >Hmmm, really really good food for thought!

  11. Anonymous
    January 13, 2011

    >Fantastic post. You made a lot of good points.

    One commenter mentioned having small children and how that interferes with lovemaking. I remember those days well. However now that my children are teens I have to say it's even harder to enjoy lovemaking. I'll be blunt…teens can hear and understand what they hear. ;-) lol We try to be quiet but it takes away from the lovemaking always having to worry about every creak the bed makes or sounds of pleasure we might make. It is also hard to wait until after they are asleep. Usually by then we are exhausted too. I would be interested to hear how you handle this Sheila as I know your girls are teens too.

  12. The Happy Domestic
    January 14, 2011

    >@ Anonymous 3:05 – My husband and I have teens, preschoolers, and an infant, so we have to work around all those different kind of obstacles to love. The preschoolers at least go to bed at a reasonable hour, the baby can lay awake in her crib if necessary, and the teenagers are fully aware that Mom & Dad need alone time for things that make them go "ick". If I say we're going up to bed for private time, they know not to venture near for their own good, and to turn on music or a movie if need be! LOL It can be done! Some people might feel weird about their kids knowing what they're doing, but I think of it this way: all our kids will grow up knowing Mom & Dad love each other… a lot. ;)

  13. Joyce
    January 28, 2011

    >All so good! Thank you all!

  14. Anonymous
    March 28, 2011

    >I would love to read something on men who don't seem to want sex. My husband never initiates it and now that I am so far along In my pregnancy we have been less than once a month. I can hardly move meanwhile have energy to start anythinh i cant finish if he doesnt feel like doing it. And when we do it never lasts more than a few minutes. I don't think he knows what foreplay is. He seems to be the one with the "headache" and "do we have to?" attitude. So when we do have sex it ends up being all about him. Do other women have this problem?

    • Rebecca
      June 13, 2014

      I know your post is old, but this really struck a chord with me.

      Yes, my husband and I have been going through this, I have gone from feeling offended, worried that something’s wrong with our relationship, feeling alright about it that maybe it’s not a big thing, but at the end of the day my overall feeling is still that maybe something isn’t quite right. We’ve talked over it many times, he always says it’s not anything that I’m doing/not doing, he just doesn’t feel like it much, it’s not any reflection on our love/relationship. And I believe him, everything-else in the relationship is fine and hasn’t changed, but it just feels like there’s a piece missing somewhere.

      Did your experience with this ever resolve? If so, how?

      Thanks

  15. @MontanaSherryC
    November 12, 2011

    Great post. So funny that just this very week, I was analyzing my marriage and what I could do better to please him and I came to the same exact things as you’ve posted so eloquently here. It all comes down to respect and sex for him. If I could just offer these two things better and in larger amounts, he would be so much happier, so much more involved, so much more connected with family life and with me. Thanks for confirming my hypothesis!
    @MontanaSherryC recently posted…A Text ConversationMy Profile

    • Sheila
      November 12, 2011

      You’re welcome! It’s hard to find that balance, because I don’t want women to feel like “sex is all for him”, but I do think we need to keep in mind what he needs!

  16. Brooke Parks
    November 14, 2011

    I couldn’t find the “linky” thing (I’m sure I just overlooked it), so I thought I’d link here: http://awomanforhim.wordpress.com/ (The post I’ve linked to is about showing respect for our husbands — which I think this closely related to the sex issue because it’s hard to desire a man you continually disrespect in front of others.)

    I love the advice in your post. I’m actually working on a series of posts that says essentially the same thing — more sex is almost always going to be a boost to the marriage. I’m still a bit nervous about actually posting them, but this has given me some courage!
    Brooke Parks recently posted…International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church: Sunday, November 13My Profile

    • Sheila
      November 14, 2011

      Thanks so much, Brooke!

  17. gaurdian777
    January 3, 2012

    I think it is important for a wife to speak her needs to her husband otherwise us men get stuck in this frame of mind of “Everything is going great, I don’t need to change anything mindset” Sadly, some of us men are just that dense.

    Yes, a wife should meet her husbands needs, it’s biblical but can a husband blame his wife if all of a sudden she stops meeting those needs because we aren’t following our biblical duty to love our wives and lay down our lives on a daily basis. My wife lovingly meets my needs on a regular basis – is everything always perfect? no! but she genuinely tries. Every so often she would break down and cry because her needs weren’t being met and as much as I tried to understand that, I couldn’t – partially because my own selfishness was saying “hey, my needs are met so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” God really opened my eyes to “love your wife as Christ loved the church” as my marriage almost came to an end this year. Sometimes it’s that ultimatum that gives us thick headed guys a kick in the right direction.

    I’m not saying this because I think you are wrong. It may work for some guys – just saying from a guys perspective that it doesn’t work for all of us. In fact my wife and I were talking recently about a couple that we were friends with in our old church. The wife laid down her life for her husband doing things for him out of love. He took that and abused it. He kept asking for more and more. Demanding more and more. He was never abusive but he would come home (while we were visiting) move the couches to make sure she vacuumed under them, he would inspect the baseboards to make sure they were clean and would get upset if she didn’t make what he wanted for dinner. She did all this because she felt (and sadly our church taught it) that women were to do all their husbands asked out of love for them. Sadly the more she did for him the more he degraded and belittled her. He even made fun of her for gaining 5 pounds and told her she needed breast implants right in front of me.

    I say this because I think articles like this generalize too much. not every man fits into this category. I am saddened that it has taken 4 years to figure out that I was being selfish in not meeting my wife’s needs when she was doing so much for me. I really hope to change that over the next several decades of life together.

    • Sheila
      January 3, 2012

      Hi there,

      You sound like just a wonderful husband with a great attitude. Thanks for chiming in and showing us such encouragement! You are right that guys do need to know from their wives what they need, and that sometimes a guy is being completely unreasonable (as with the example you gave, which is quite inexcusable). I’ve written other posts about that, about how being a complete doormat doesn’t help your marriage, and in fact endangers both the marriage and the spiritual condition of both partners. So I absolutely do not endorse being a doormat.

      I think the problem comes, though, in that I am predominantly speaking to women. It’s fine to say that men should wise up, but many men just won’t. And I also think that many men do shut down because their wives really aren’t thinking of the husbands’ needs.

      So if I could talk to men, I would tell them just what you did: love your wives as Christ loved the church. But in talking to women, I would say, don’t wait for your husband to make the first move. Don’t wait for him to do the right thing. You do the right thing. That’s the only thing that you have control or power over.

      Again, thank you for your comment, and keep blessing other men with the same message!

    • empathologicalism
      February 3, 2012

      You didnt contradict her though, her article was about mens needs. telling her about your wifes needs doesnt contradict her points or make them generalize too much.

      You are a well trained white knight sir….best luck with that. This is precisely the response that we are taught in church, and the one women would prefer to adopt. The writer offers balance because your words are the ones that are the NORM. To say that hers is way too common a view is dissonance. Your post is the backbone of near every sermon and book on marriage….and you say hers is somehow needing balanced out?

      Go download some sermons….I did….over a hundred back in the mid 2000’s, looking for the slant. Not a single one (they were all relational sermons on marriage searched on google or large church sites) said anything different from what YOU said here.

      sheesh man, pandering for female feedback and practicing male self effacement has gone badly too far

  18. Amy H.
    February 4, 2012

    Thank you for bringing so much humor to an otherwise touchy subject! Had my husband brought this topic up I would have snipped at him…I’m going to take your challenge although I have a question but can we email? I don’t want the world knowing this one hahahahaha

    • Sheila
      February 5, 2012

      Sure, you can email me, Amy. My email’s under “Contact” above.

  19. Lisa
    July 12, 2012

    Ouch, but thank you. You have made alot of great points. I have been married for 14 years and what you’re saying is true that my husband treats me so much nicer and loving when we i have been showing him love, encouraging him, uplifting him, and stroking his ego. He is the sweetiest when when have had sex 2-3 times a week. I believe sex is so important to marriage, well it has been for our marriage. We enjoy one another greatly, which is why we have had 4 children. When we are not intimate I feel lost and lonely. Thank you for sharing this article. It has hurt me in a good refining way.

  20. Angel baratie
    August 12, 2012

    Yes, men like sex.

    But what about if *our* sexual needs aren’t being met? If we have a hard time with sex, and have discussed it with them, and yet they don’t want to try and make it better for us because it’s “difficult”? Do we then just give up and give them sex all the time to make them happy when they won’t try more to make us happy in that department?

  21. Sara
    October 8, 2012

    Wow, this is convicting post for sure. I suppose I need to get off the phone and do some praying.
    Sara recently posted…Before You Build Your HouseMy Profile

  22. Christina
    November 15, 2012

    In my child to parent voice– “but I don’t want to!!”. Definitely needed to read this especially after I just googled “how to deal with your unromantic husband”, funny this site came up. God knows what I needed to “hear” and how I need to get my heart right. I’ve been feeling very “well what about me” lately. I’m very newly married so this will definitely be a tough task for me, still trying to work through my bad attitude and feelings of my needs not being met. Nevertheless, I am willing to commit to the challenge for the next six weeks because I want to have a lifetime of happiness with my husband. Not in an unrealistic-nothing-bad-will-ever-happen-to-us kind of way, just want us to both have out needs met and enjoy doing life together. Anyway, thank you for posting this and sharing your wisdom. I pray God helps me as I work through my own issues and focus on meeting my husbands needs. Whew, Lord help me! {and pray for me too!}

  23. Cary Wallace
    January 17, 2013

    that is one of the best interpretations of a mans feelings i have every read. and to be from a woman is revolutionary.

    i felt better just reading it.

    thanks for that.

  24. Nicole
    March 2, 2013

    I agree with most of the thoughts here except for the fact that my husband is the one not giving up the sex. And I often think “what the heck happened? How did I marry this guy?” Our wedding night was the worst night ever. My husband fell asleep while he we talking to me and that was basically the end of our night. There I sat in lingerie all prepared to “be one” and nothing. We had quick lame sex the next day and then nothing for weeks. And then months. Then lame sex. Then nothing again for months. And so the pattern has continued for the last 3 years. I have tried everything. He swears he’s not into porn and he’s not cheating, neither have I. I’ve begged, cried, calmly explained the importance of sex in a marriage and he says he’ll try harder and then nothing. I’ve given up on expecting compliments or kind words. We don’t kiss. It’s been so long that when he does decide to kiss me my skin crawls. I resent him. I know I do. I put myself out there, and I feel rejected by him constantly. We just went on a vacation together, had a whole week together and had no intimacy. I have no idea what to do. I’m to the point that trying to initiate anything makes me sick and I just want to punch him in the face. He’s a good dad, he helps when he can, he works, he’s fine with everything except me. He neglects me like crazy. I have no idea how to fix this….

    • Anonymous
      October 14, 2013

      I want to be up front here and say that I am a guy and there are several possible reasons for the lack of sexual desire. For a guy to lack sexual desire it could be a health issue (low testosterone levels due to various levels and a dr. can assist with that or other reasons.)
      But there are actually lots of mental issues that can cause issues like this. For example the relationship he had with his parents, if there was any abuse there especially sexual could lead to issues. And it is not something a man would ever come out and talk about easily. If he came from a family that didn’t have healthy sexual life, mother or father talked bad about sex in marriage (this is why it is so important to have a healthy sexual life in marriage and model a good marriage for your children). Of course there could be issues of him feeling inadequate or just not having the knowledge/skills he needs to perform. In other words if he is not sure of himself he may not want to put himself out there for ridicul or rejection. Most men don’t like to fail at things and if we know or think we are inadequately prepared to take on a task we will shy away from it. Sex is probably one of the bigger areas that we will be likely to be hesitant if we think we might not be good at it. Think back to any times you have been intimate and make sure there have been no times that you complained or laughed or said anything that could have been taken the wrong way.

      one last thing that could impede his performance with you. And since I don’t know you this is just general possibilies on why he could be this way. But if he feels that he is being compared to past men (sexually or even in general) that can be a huge drop in his desire. So if you compare him to other past boy friends (that can just be talking about past boy friends in a positive manner) It is best to not talk about past relationships at all.

      I know there are lots of other possible reasons, but if you are both Christians, I would highly recommend getting together and doing a Bible study just the two of you, and being open (harder for guys usually – but if he is a good man, he will be willing to work with you).

      As for other suggestions to help build him up would be to comment positively and truthfully on his appearance and other areas that may help build up his self-esteem (we can tell when it is not true or just shallow comments). Those are things that in a guy if hurt or brought down can cause a lot of problems. But the good news is we are easy to fix usually. We forgive easily and forget even easier… We tend to heal quickly if the person is really seeking forgiveness and don’t usually hold grudges.

      • danielle
        October 19, 2013

        The original post made me so upset at first, as I feel just as Nicole stated above, so it just felt like someone stabbed me when I was reading Sheilas posts. Ive been married 28 yrs & about 7 yrs ago my husbands desire for physical touch, sex abruptly dropped. We were having sex about 2x/wk & that was 21 yrs into our marriage. I remember telling a gal pal that at that point it was 3 months of no intimacy & she was shocked! Since then, it has deteriorated even more. In 2012 we had sex 3 times the whole yr. I tried so many times to initiate, complement him so often, plead to his manliness & after all these years I still thank he is so sexy to me. He can get my motor running! But he doesn’t want to!! Doesn’t seem to care to!

        Around the time he abruptly decided he didn’t want sex anymore 7 yrs ago,…only thing that i can pinpoint to ’cause’ anything, & thinking of how he perceives things is that I was going to school in the spring, by fall the program I was in college for had shut down & I was so upset as I had wanted to be involved in that field for years. By fall, an opportunity arose to do a home base business with jewelry & make some good money. He supported me in front the person who recruited me, but behind closed doors was criticizing me frequently about my decision, starting arguments over it, diminishing my motherly/womanly roles in life/general over it etc. Thats when his lack of ‘desire’ started! That is the only thing I can pinpoint was in our life at the time to maybe be an insecurity with him. I asked him, I tried to speak with him on it to find answers…he would continually blame me, manipulate it & turn it consistently on me! This has been a frequent theme in our marriage for over 15+ yrs now….that is how he does it 99.9% of the time. I have tried to cope with this of how I am treated by him & how he constantly blames me for any & all ways that HE FEELS!!

        Jump back a few yrs & after he had a terrible affair in our marriage, we went through counseling…actually many counselors…about 6 in 4 yrs. He would not do the work, He would manipulate them all & about the time a counselor would see his behavior, try to help him work on it….he wouldn’t go anymore & blame it on me again as to why it all was that way! He was so distant, withdrawn, could be very hateful/mean. I tried many things to cope with this & to be so positive that I had no needs met at all! Yet I needed love, affection, attention & needed for him to work to heal our marriage on his part! Sometimes I felt like I was trying so hard for intimacy/affection that I ended up wounded deeply….I once got his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant, candles on table…kids to activity..hubs came home from work on his lunch hr (he was on 2nd shift at time) I took shower, did my hair/makeup nicely, sexy lingerie with garter, thigh highs, heels..the works…….saw him driving on street…turned out lights, lite candles & laid on table in sexy position with candles & his meal….HELLOO….he walked in, ignored me, went to wash his hands & got very angry about this & within 5 minutes had left & blamed me for ‘doing’ this to him on his lunch hour!!! THAT devastated me & I have NOT done anything with lingerie since! I have tried slightly a few times but Im so wounded by that & how he talked to me, treated me that I have not been able to fully do anything like that again! Truly…can you blame me?!

        Now that happened 9 or 10 yrs ago………I’ve still tried after that to show love for him, intimacy etc..I just did not put myself out there like that again! He has NOT put himself out there for me for sure! Since his affair, he doesn’t try very hard in our marriage, he does not show love to me much or affection. It seems so superficial. He will say some nasty, heart wrenching things to me at the drop of a hat for no good reason (is there ever ANY GOOD reason to talk to a spouse so hateful/spiteful/evil anyway?..NO) at times when we could have been talking about maybe having a garage sale, or doing a project in our yard etc..

        Im so spent emotionally that I am a totally different person today than I was a yr ago, 5 yrs ago….Im trying to work on building myself up & sure as I do…seems like he sees that in me & tries so hard to bring me down in so many ways, yet he wont take responsibility, & then blames me again & again!

        So…In my instance this to me just wont fix anything! I think to give this across the board advice to women, that we are doing something wrong or our husbands would be doing this or that for us….Does not fit across the board! When I read above that Sheila got made that her husband gave her ‘sex flowers’ I just wanted to cry because My husband doesn’t give me flowers ever…he doesn’t have sex with me…So I just thought that she should be sooo enormously grateful for what she has & that he gives her sex flowers!!!

  25. Felix
    September 11, 2013

    Wow! This post really help alot. You’ve indeed hit the nail on the head….and the commenters, you’ve said it all, though from your different perspective…but all driving to the same point…..”respect and sex”. Nice post!

  26. Shane
    December 7, 2013

    Great post. It rings very true to me. However, I’m feeling a little depressed reading it, because I don’t have any faith that I’ll ever consistently get his in my relationship.

  27. Nancy
    December 20, 2013

    And what if the sex tables are turned the other way? Years and years and years of going months before a husband wants sex.

    • Sheila
      December 23, 2013

      That’s so hard, Nancy! I’ve written a series for women in that position that starts here. Hope that helps!

    • Chris
      December 23, 2013

      Your situation is no different than a wife refusing her husband sex. I couldn’t deal with a week or two of no sex followed by begging for it only to have my wife “give in.” The situation didn’t improve, she said it was my problem (because she didn’t have the same need) and she told me to “get control” of myself. She got upset with me when she caught me masturbating and would tell me that I had her, so why would I feel the need to do that. She refused to listen to my needs year after year. We finally separated and divorced. I know separation and divorce is frowned upon and it was a rough time in my life, but I am so thankful I had the courage to go through with it. Lack of sex as a valid reason to divorce: YES!! I will be very careful about who I marry next to ensure she understands and respects my needs for sex. I am in a relationship with someone that I believe understands the importance of sex. I meet her needs and she meets mine.

  28. Wendy
    February 23, 2014

    I would like to reply to danielle. Im not really good with words, but i hope i can help you somehow because your post is absolutely heart breaking. You have endured so many years of hurt and pain and sounds like you are trying your utmost best, i dont know how you are so strong to survive through that. And you forgave your husband for an affair i can never ever imagine being in your shoes for so many long years. I truly wish i had an answer of solution to suggest to you but sadly i am so angry with your husband the way he treats.you makes me want to give u.biblical advise by saying divorce him but i know that is not the right thing to say. My concern is for you and i can only imagine your self.worth must be in the dungeons and if i was in your situation i can think.i would be terribly depressed. So what i just wanted to say is.that i will pray for.you and i want you to know i read your story and sympathise and i think you need to be careful of.your own depression and see a councellor for.yourself or do something.for yourself and your own needs. I dont mean this in an insulting way but i feel like you need to do something to ensure your own happiness. Whether its cliche stuff like a hobby or interest that helps you take your mind off things or church or friends or movies or whatever. But i sense you have deep pain and sadness and i dont blame you and i pray for your healing and for.your husband and your marriage. Sorry i wish i could.give me helpful advise. I hope there are.mite people out there that could.offer you solutions.if they have been in same situations. But i feel you must focus on loving yourself.first despite how youve been rejected and neglected and i feel you are trying so hard to meet your husbands needs at the expense of.your own and that feels wrong to me, i dont think thats what God means? I dont think he would ever want us to experience such destruction.to.ourselves, i dontknow perhaps i am wrong? Sheila please advise. Ithink danielles post is a.serious one and needs some expert advise?

  29. Susan
    February 28, 2014

    I don’t know if comparing it to chores is effective.Dishes and chores and other things you do even when you don’t want to don’t require enthusiasm or enjoyment.You get through it as fast as you can and move on. You can be as mad or annoyed while you do it. I would have sex a lot more often if I didn’t have to pretend to enjoy it.5 to 15 minutes isn’t that long if you think about it. Most men want enthusiasm and enjoyment during sex. Anger and annoyance don’t go over very well.

    If he’d only stop expecting me to enjoy it and just get on with it. I don’t need him to enjoy it when he does chores after all.

  30. Anonymus
    April 8, 2014

    Saying that men only need respect and sex is saying that they are nothing more than horny animals. That statement just sent men, and the entire human race back 20,000 years! Men are people who have feelings, tney require love, and tenderness, and companionship. They are far more evolved than you just gave them credit for. Sure their are some men who may only require sex and respect, but those men are the vain and egotistical scum of the earth and should not be included when speaking of real and respectable men. If that is the case, then why the heck would any man get married?? Sex certaintly is not hard to come by, and you can get respect from people by doing the simplest things. I usually agree with you Sheila but that statement, no this entire post is insulting and ridiculous. Where is the sacrificial love that husbands are REQUIRED to give to their wives inthis post?? Please point to the scripture that says that christ like love should only be given IF the wife does this, this, and this. Just like with a wifes submission, it is not dependent on what your spouse is doing or not doing, it should be given freely and willingly because it is Gods word, NOTHING MORE; NOTHING LESS!

    • Sheila
      April 8, 2014

      Hi, I understand your frustration, but you also have to understand: I’m writing to women. It does absolutely no good to write about what men should do, because the only ones we can change are ourselves. I address this in another post here.

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