Wifey Wednesday: The Big "O"

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post! Today I want to tackle a big, and rather personal, topic.

November 5th.

Photo by jlcwalker

Do you ever feel like sex is about achieving a goal, rather than just enjoying each other?

That was something that often irked me when we were first married, before we really figured out how to get sex to work like clockwork. According to all the marriage books we had bought–even Christian ones–we were supposed to be able to figure out how to make sure that I achieved the “Big O”. And when I didn’t, we felt like we were failing.

So let’s get honest here for a moment, ladies: how important is it that we actually achieve orgasm during intercourse?

Here’s the real problem: When we decide that we want to, and when it becomes our goal everytime we make love, then everytime we’re together we feel like we’re being given a grade: you either pass or you fail. It adds a whole level of stress to sex that I’m not sure it was ever supposed to have.

Are orgasms great? Absolutely. But not all women experience them during intercourse, even those women who have been married a long time. And I really hate the thought that women are going to feel like they’re somehow less than sexual, or somehow inadequate, if they don’t.

Besides, as soon as you make it your goal to reach orgasm, it automatically becomes less likely that you will. As soon as you set the goal, you become just that little bit agitated. And in order to reach orgasm, you have to be able to let go and relax. The two things are working against each other.

Here’s what I wish I had understood when we were first married, and here’s what I’d like to give you as an encouragement today:

Orgasms are great, but they’re easiest to achieve when you understand how your body works and how the different levels of arousal feel. It may be easier to understand that if you work for a while on achieving orgasm in different ways–through him touching you, for instance–rather than just through intercourse.

Once you understand that, you can then work on getting excited enough during foreplay that once you start making love, it’s more likely you’ll get to that “big O” because you started off pretty close.

But you don’t have to achieve simultaneous orgasm to have good sex. You don’t even need to achieve orgasm during sex to have good sex. You just have to enjoy being together, laugh, and have fun. If you can’t laugh, you’re too uptight and you’re doing it wrong.

The more you laugh, and the more fun you have, the more you’ll relax and the more your body will learn to respond. But stop thinking of your sex life as a series of individual sexual encounters, which have to be judged on their own merit, as either a pass or a fail. Think of your sex life as something which will be decades long, a journey of discovery, where you learn more about each other, grow more deeply in love, grow more intimate, and learn to let go. That’s a process that takes a long time, and it’s a destination you never really get to, because there is always more to learn.

Maybe if we saw sex as a journey, we’d focus less on whether we had an orgasm last night and more on whether or not we relaxed, had fun, and felt like we’re getting to know each other better.

As you take that long-term view, you’ll likely find that it’s easier to enjoy yourself, because you know you don’t have to reach a milestone right now, this minute. You’re simply moving in a certain direction, and that direction is good.

Learn how your body works. Learn what feels good. But don’t panic or feel inadequate if your body isn’t responding exactly the way you want it to yet. Sometimes it takes time, and that’s okay. That’s what marriage is for! And if you stop stressing and do take that time, you might just find that you achieve that “Big O”–without necessarily even trying.

This post was cross-posted at Adding Zest to your Nest.

Comments

  1. Katy-Anne says:

    >Well, it's not something I personally care about, but my husband has it in his head that if I don't orgasm, he's just a bad sex partner and then he gets cranky and mean after sex.

  2. TStrickland says:

    >I am one of the fortune ladies that has no problem with the big "O", but there are times that I know my husband needs the closeness and so I just simply tell him that I would love to but I just want the closeness of him and so don't expect me to orgasm. When he is aware of this it is much more pleasurable. We have been married for 10 years and we have just figured this out.

  3. Anonymous says:

    >For the first three months we were together I never had an orgasm at all – and then one day, it just started working! I suppose I wasn't relaxed enough being with a new partner — it was fun but not to that level. Now, I can have an O, most any time but hubby usually ends up first (too quickly) and I have to "make myself happy!" He doesn't seem to mind though — sometimes (like this morning) I feel too tired to have sex but when you know your partner wants to, sometimes you can put the tiredness behind you and make him happy anyways.

    You are very right about sex being a journey… I laughingly tell my new husband that it is "different every time" so I never know what to expect!

    Thanks for not shying away from these kind of topics, Sheila.

    Today I shall remain Anon!

  4. >I want to comment to give a shout out to my husband on this subject. I can't seem to get it right to have an orgasm during intercourse, but if I want to have one, my husband always makes sure to take care of that desire in other ways. It takes the pressure off of having to worry about it during sex. We've been married for 13 years and this method works great for us. We are both satisfied and it's FUN!

  5. Anonymous says:

    >Ok. this whole relationship and enjoying thing is true for women, but it's not true for guys. They are not finished with sex until they have their orgasm (or whatever you call it for guys). So so much for the whole "it's only about connecting thing!" #justsayn…

  6. Anonymous says:

    >I have to disagree, my husband has ED because of medical issues and he can't always reach orgasm. Just being together is a big deal for us, even if intercourse never happens.

    I am extremely lucky that I have never had a problem reaching the big O, I am quite blessed in the fact that I often have multiple O's before foreplay is even over. But it is never a goal of mine or an expectation, for me since having our child, just being together intimately is the goal. What happens is what happens.

  7. Anonymous says:

    >I understand what you are saying. I understand that it's not necessary for women to have a big O every time there is intercourse.
    But what about ever? I have not truly enjoyed sex in a while. A long while. I'm aroused. I want sex. I want to be with my husband. But when it comes to the actual act of intercourse, there is nothing pleasurable or satisfying.
    It's affecting me because I am wondering what is wrong with me. And it's affecting my husband because he feels like a failure because he can not bring me pleasure.
    I walk around tense all the time, because we have intercourse, and there is no release or pleasure for me.

    I am really starting to hate sex. When we do have intercourse, I try to just focus on him having pleasure and having an orgasm. But I feel empty and robbed because I get no satisfaction out of it at all.

    What is wrong with me?

  8. >I left this in the linky, but I wanted to leave it here too:
    Finding the Sacred in Sex (how I overcame good girl syndrome)
    http://brightonwoman.blogspot.com/2010/12/finding-sacred-in-s-e-x-or-how-i.html

    I have been married for 7 years. We've had some ups and downs, but for much of that time I've had a very very low libido, and finally this last summer we realized that it was integrally related to my still having a raging case of GGS–I was so uncomfortable with my own sexuality/sexual activeness that I was sortof unconsciously sabotaging myself.

    My ability to O is still pretty hit and miss, but it's coming back (I had it when we were first married, but not during pregnancy, and only very rarely since giving birth four years ago). Getting my mind loosened up has helped my body to follow suit though. I don't know if my thoughts in my post will be helpful to any of the readers here (or even to you for your book research), but I wanted to share them here where hopefully more people would see them and hopefully more people could benefit from what I've learned.

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