Last week I wrote about how to get in the mood if you’re not–and how it’s important to remember how much our husbands actually need sex.
In the comments, someone wrote this in reply:
I don’t seem to fit into either of the two categories you describe. After several years of marriage, it just occured to me that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore because it never seemed to be about love, but only him having an orgasm. If there is no sex, there is no marriage. It is very sad that the only thing that matters about me is him being able to have sex with me. If I don’t have sex, then he doesn’t love me. I am convinced that sex is the only thing that matters to a man. Therefore, I am worth nothing more than my ability to sexually satisfy a man. That’s a horrible truth that has been too hard for me to bear and I decided to just stop being intimate. Being a woman is like winning some kind of anti-lottery. You’re worth absolutely nothing.
Can you feel how much pain she’s in? I sure can. And I totally feel for her, so today I really want to talk to women like her.
First, let me say that sixteen years ago I could have written that paragraph myself. I was so disenchanted with sex, and it seemed like it was wrecking my marriage because Keith wanted it and I didn’t, and all we seemed to do was fight over it. It was terrible. And I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It really seemed like God made sex just for men, and then He told us women that we had to do it if we’re married, almost like it’s legal prostitution.
I know that sounds harsh, but I’m saying it just to give any women out there in a similar boat encouragement. I truly do understand.
When I was going through this I read a few Christian books about sex that told me how I had to for my husband, and how it was this beautiful thing, and I thought the authors were off their rockers. I was so angry when I read them, and since I happened to be in the bath at the time (that’s where I read most of my books), I ended up drowning them, good and dead.
But I don’t feel like that now, and so I want to focus this post on how I overcame that.
First, I do think the advice in my last Wifey Wednesday post is still right, even for this woman who is just not interested. Go back and read that now, if you haven’t already, and then come back here!
She says that the advice is useless (I’m paraphrasing), because she’s just not interested in sex anymore, so why should she care?
Let’s take a step back. Let’s say you’ve been told your whole life that something is good. That something is amazing. That something is earth shattering. And then you experience it, and it seems not that good. It’s boring, it’s a lot of work, and it’s a little degrading. What do you do? At this point you have two choices. You can decide to forget about it, and just believe the rest of the world is totally deluded, or you can take a deep breath and say, “I must be missing something. Why don’t I put some effort into this so I can figure out what it is I’m missing, because I’d really like to be deliriously happy like everyone else seems to be, too.”
The second approach is better, but it’s hard to get to because it requires seeing past your own feelings. But when you’re in a car accident, you have to go through physical therapy to learn to walk again. It seems hopeless. It seems like you may never make progress. But you do it because you know it’s worth it.
In this case, you may not know it’s worth it because you’ve never experienced how great sex can be. Instead it seems to come between you and your husband. But trust me, if you put the work in, you can come out on the other side. Don’t settle for a lousy sex life, or no sex life at all. It can be better. It really can. So do something about it!
Here’s the second point. This woman seems very angry at her husband because he wants it so much. He basically seems like a beast in her eyes, because all he wants is physical release. And if that’s how he actually experiences love, then that’s pathetic.
Again, extremely common feelings for women. When sex isn’t that great for you, and he’s so focused on it, then there does seem something rather infantile about our him. Our husbands have no self-control. They’re so immature. They haven’t risen above it the way we have.
But here’s where you really have to step outside of yourself for a minute. Your husband honestly does need sex in a way that you don’t, and THIS ISN’T WRONG. I know it feels wrong to you, but it truly isn’t. I think we women need to let go a little bit. We like being in control and sex, when it’s good, makes us very vulnerable and very open. I think that’s part of what can repel some women, because it doesn’t seem quite proper. But we’re not supposed to be proper all the time. And God created sex as a passionate expression of how He feels about us. If you’re never experienced that when you’re making love, you need to.
So here’s what I would say: with women, our feelings usually follow our minds. If you’re telling yourself that sex is silly at best and degrading at worst, that it is all for him, and that he is an animal for wanting it that much, you will never be in the mood. If, on the other hand, you tell yourself, sex is great, and one day I will experience it the way it’s supposed to, then you may start to get in the mood.
Start believing that it can be wonderful. Start believing that one day you will get there. Start believing that God actually made it for you, too.
And then talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you do want it to be good, you just can’t see how right now. But that’s where you’re aiming for. And ask him to help take you there. Buy some books on how to make sex good! Read them together. Take my advice from last week! Pray about it.
If you want to hear more about the difference between men’s and women’s sex drives, my audio download “Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight” is a hilarious 45 minute walk through the problems that can occur in the bedroom–and how we as women can overcome them!
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