Wifey Wednesday: Getting into a Frisky Frame of Mind


I’m going to be brutally honest today. Some weeks I’m just not in the mood.


I’m sure you don’t know what that’s like, right? :)

But here’s what happens. My mind gets whirring at a hundred miles an hour because I’m planning things. Especially when I go on speaking tours, as I did last weekend, I have a lot that I have to think about: what I’m going to pack; what I’m going to leave for the family to eat; what time I should leave. And when I’m back my mind is still churning: what I sold; what I need to order more of; how God worked; how I should change my talk.

Plus there’s all the regular stuff I’m thinking about.

And for women, sex is all in the brain. It’s the first chapter of Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. We’re hard wired to make love only if our brains are engaged. If our minds are otherwise occupied, our bodies aren’t going to follow his to ecstasy. He can do the exact the same thing to you that had you absolutely melting one night and tonight, if you’re preoccupied, the only thing going through your head will be: “when is he going to get it over with?”


Am I right?

So yesterday I realized that I had been being rather selfish with my husband for the last few days. I was away, and then when I came back I’ve just had so much on my mind.

He was called in to the hospital early last night, and I decided I was going to get rid of all the stuff I was thinking about. So I finished up at the computer and got in the bath and just relaxed. And I concentrated on my husband, and what I loved about him. And I refused to let myself think about all the stuff that I was trying to plan.

And by the time he came home, I was fine!

Many nights I don’t need to make love. Sure, I’d love to cuddle, but I don’t need it. Men do in a totally different way. And they need us to be engaged. So lying there while you’re thinking about what colour you should paint your bedroom ain’t going to cut it.

If you’ve been distracted lately, that’s okay. It happens to all of us. But you need a decompression chamber so that at night, you can let it all go. If we go through our day with that attitude–that at night, I’m going to put all this behind me, so I can be there for my husband–our marriages will totally change.

Instead, what often happens is the evening approaches and he wants to get romantic. And we become resentful because he doesn’t understand all that we’re concerned about. He doesn’t realize all that is going through our heads. But you see, if it were him, sex would be a great way to deal with all those worries! They don’t understand how we work. But not only that, he doesn’t understand why we don’t get him. We’re mad because he’s not thinking of us, but we don’t realize that we’re doing the exact same thing. We’re focusing on ourselves rather than our husbands.

So where is your decompression chamber going to be? The bathtub? The scrapbooking table? A pair of knitting needles? A cup of tea? A Bible? How are you going to put your cares behind you? Find a way, make it purposeful, and watch what happens!


  1. Dena @ Green Acres says:

    >I recently ordered your book and I’m so glad I did (and I can’t wait for it to arrive). Turning off that switch in my brain is the hardest problem I have. I have a really hard time getting myself to stop thinking about “stuff” and concentrating on what’s most important.

  2. >I may order your book for my husband’s birthday that’s coming up. I think he might appreciate it more than another coffee mug (that he’ll lose anyway).

    I downloaded the $2 podcast last week, and enjoyed it immensely. Just yesterday I explained to my husband that when he “shows interest” the second I close the door on our little one’s nursery for her nap, the reason I’m not interested is because I haven’t yet had even 5 minutes for myself, while he’s had the last couple of hours to check e-mail and sports articles. It helped him understand that my resistance has nothing to do with him, personally. We’re working together to help me feel more…energized. :-)

  3. BarbaraLee says:

    >I know I have been relaxing and setting myself up for time w/dh but if it is a day or two before my monthly nothing is going to work. So sometimes it just isn’t going to work. Otherwise I have been enjoying my hubby.

  4. Mrs. Querido says:

    >I don’t have a decompression chamber and that might be the problem…lol! Although, I do think that relaxing in the tub sounds heavenly. As long as I am not in there thinking about when the last time I scrubbed the tub was! So perhaps my Bible is a safer decompression chamber..no to do lists there! Plus, it energizes my soul and my body will follow :)

  5. So, I searched, “i just want to cuddle” because even though we are working through the 31 days book and I have read the Good Girls Guide, recently I have not been in the mood so to speak. I struggle with getting my brain to that place. I know I was there while we were dating 11+ years ago but I am so not there now. There are so many things to think about every day. I homeschool as well as stay at home. It’s just not easy to think sexually about my hubby while I am in the midst of my day. I took your suggestion of thinking of him during a normal activity, making the bed. But too often I forget. I need to come up with something else. But I needed help. I was so glad to find this post. You see I read your book when he was away on a trip and when he came back i was super excited and jumped him like every night. Then I got Urethritus from playing too hard, similar to a UTI, and then I got a yeast infection… and well, medically speaking the flame died down. Not tosay we haven’t had sex since then, but I have it in my head that “it’s been a few days, I should probably have sex with him again to tide him over and make him feel loved” and I am worried that I will not feel that excited anticipation again. I enjoy it when we do it but too often I think my mind does wander! He has been very understanding of me needing my space after the kids go to bed. He has been great about understanding that I don’t always want it. He doesn’t pressure me. He even says that if I am doing it to ‘service’ him then he doesn’t want it because he wants me to want it to. I feel like the last couple of weeks i have been living a lie. I would rather cuddle. I have plenty of time to myself to craft and decompress. I even have an etsy shop now because of my crafty things. But I don’t know how to get my head back in the game! And I am really frustrated with myself. I layed in bed this morning cuddling with him while he made inuendos about starting something up and I prayed, “God, help me to focus on him and help me to want him!” We did have sex later this morning after I finished my coffee but I still feel like I short changed him somehow. He wanted it, and I gave it, but I didn’t let him play like he normally likes. Half of his enjoyment is in making me squirm and while I appreciate the attention I just don’t want to squirm all the time. I really am a “wham bam thank you maam” and he is Mr Foreplay! Somehow, I need to fix something because our communication is great. I think a lot of my problem is in my head. Needless to say, I searched today and found this old post and I am glad you shared. It is nice to know I am not the only one. But I still ask if there is any other advice you have to share on this. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks so much. I love your posts and even my hubby reads them now. It is heartening to know that we are not alone on some of our issues and our hearts go out to those that cry out for help. Some of the things people have shared with you have been encouraging to us to know we must be doing something right when it seems so many out there are hurting and hurting bad!

Comment Policy: Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. Any comment that espouses an anti-marriage philosophy (eg. porn, adultery, abuse and the like) will be deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are replying to another commenter, please be polite and don't assume you know everything about his or her situation. If you are constantly negative or a general troll, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Sheila Wray Gregoire owns the copyright to all comments and may publish them in whatever form she sees fit. She agrees to keep any publication of comments anonymous, even if you are not anonymous on this board.


  1. […] we think he’ll think that we’re promising something. But if we don’t kiss, we don’t get our own libidos going. And kissing is […]

Leave a Comment


CommentLuv badge