Value for Money

'Money' photo (c) 2008, Nick Ares - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario. Here’s this week’s.

Last week my husband and I rented the surprisingly enjoyable film Moneyball, loosely based on the 2002 baseball season for the Oakland A’s. The team faced a huge challenge: as a small budget enterprise, they couldn’t compete with the large teams in terms of payroll, so all of their good baseball players were lured away by big bucks.

The General Manager threw the playbook out the window and decided to do something drastic. Instead of trying to recruit individual stars, they’d focus on building a team using statistics to identify the most undervalued players. That year, at one third of the budget of the New York Yankees, they won the same number of games. Now almost all the major baseball clubs use their analysis.

I hope some politicians watch the movie, because they could use this message: when money is tight, you can’t play by normal rules. You must get back to basics and investigate what actually works, instead of doing what everyone assumes works. It’s time to make sure we’re getting value for our dollars.

Value and government aren’t exactly two words that we’d normally put together. Too often politicians pour money into programs because it makes them sound caring, not because the program actually does any good. The Washington establishment was rocked last week when a new report leaked showing that the Head Start program, which provides preschool and other services to low income families, doesn’t actually work. Seven billion dollars a year, and any gains the kids receive from Head Start evaporate after a few years of school. Turns out that preschool can’t make up for a lack of parent involvement.

The problem with programs like these is that no politician wants to be the one to pull the plug. Can you imagine cancelling Head Start? You’d be raked over the coals. No one wants to take money from poor children, even if that money is being badly spent.

I’m amazed our Canadian government has actually just about succeeded in cancelling one boondoggle—the long gun registry—after one billion dollars was sent down the hole. We’re rid of the Canadian Wheat Board, too. Both those moves surprise me, because how often does government actually cancel something? Usually, once a department or program has funding, it’s like a vampire. It can’t be killed, no matter how how many stakes you drive through its heart.

Every politician wants to be seen as being pro health care, pro children, and pro seniors. But what if there’s a truth that no amount of money can change: government programs can’t make up for unhealthy families. A good preschool teacher can’t make up for parents not reading to the children at night, or for Daddy walking out, or for that revolving door of Mommy’s boyfriends.

The more money we spend on programs that don’t work, though, the less money we have to spend on stuff that could make things better, and the more debt we dump on our children. We shouldn’t judge people’s level of caring by how much government money they’re willing to devote to programs. We should judge it on whether or not they’re interested in what actually works, instead of just trying to look “caring” for the news.

So let’s take a lesson from the Oakland A’s. A winning strategy doesn’t depend on throwing money at the most obvious thing. It depends on analyzing what actually works—gasp!—and not going with mere emotion. It depends on sticking to one’s budget, and since there is limited money, putting that money where it is likely to do the most good—even if it seems radical at first. But politicians can’t do it unless voters get behind them. Maybe if we started to demand actual value, and substance over style, we’d finally get a government that did some good.

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The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–Excerpt Available!

Yesterday I published a tiny bit of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, in my post when we were talking about wedding nights.

But Zondervan, my publisher, has put up 47 pages that you can read right now! This is the introduction to the book–the part where I’m going over what sex is supposed to be about. Right after this part the book splits into three sections: one section on making the physical side of sex great, one on making the spiritual side of sex great, and one building your friendship and laughing through everything. Then, at the end, we put everything together to look at what a fun, exciting sex life is in marriage.

So this isn’t the explicit stuff, but it’s the foundational stuff, and you can read it here.

The book’s out on February 28, but right now you can order it for a significant pre-release price at Amazon!

I’m planning a big launch party, with a blog tour, a live Facebook chat, a live Twitter chat, and more, along with an amazing contest Zondervan is running (where you can win either a first or second honeymoon), so join me in February for the 29 Days to Great Sex where it will all be announced!

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Wifey Wednesday: Wedding Night Disasters

wifey wednesday

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

'Just Married' photo (c) 2011, Chris Waits - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

In just a few days, on February 1, we’re going to be starting our 29 Days to Great Sex. It’s leading up to the launch of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (and an awesome contest where you can win a first–or second–honeymoon!). In writing the book, I conducted a bunch of surveys, which many of you participated in (thank you!). And one thing I found was that, for most people, sex wasn’t that great early in the marriage. It gets better with time, trust–and practice!

So today I thought I’d give us a chance to share stories of AWFUL wedding nights, especially because I think too often in the Christian church we romanticize the wedding night a little too much. Here’s an excerpt from my book that talks about this:

A few weeks before my wedding, I bought a bestselling Christian sex book. I read it cover to cover while sitting in the bathtub. (That’s where I get most of my reading done. It’s just a little dangerous when I’m reading library books.) Instead of helping me feel confident about my wedding night, it left me a nervous wreck. And a little angry besides.

First, it was all about the mechanics of sex. The book’s focus was on making sure that you, the woman, had an orgasm on your very first sexual encounter. It went through everything you were supposed to do and everything he was supposed to do in explicit detail, complete with a time schedule. After reading and raging at the book, I drowned it. I stuffed it under the water and held it there until it died, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.

Let me try to explain why I felt so homicidal toward a book. I didn’t like feeling as if my every action was prescribed. I didn’t want sex to feel choreographed. I didn’t want to feel like there was a right way to do things. But perhaps most importantly, I didn’t want the night to be so stressful that it could be measured based on whether I had “succeeded.” What if I simply wanted to get comfortable with my husband and have fun exploring rather than trying to force my body to do something?

Given that that particular book sold hundreds of thousands of copies, I’m sure it helped many women enjoy their wedding nights. But there is a trend in Christian thinking that goes something like this: the wedding night is the big night you’ve been waiting for your whole life, so you had better do absolutely everything right or you will ruin it.

A lot of pressure, isn’t it?

Perhaps I’m being a party pooper. Perhaps that book is right, and we all should be aiming for physical bliss. So I decided to test my own hypothesis. I took a survey of married Christian women, some of whom had waited for the wedding to be sexually active and some of whom had made love before, and I asked them to rate the sex on their wedding night.

I discovered that despite selling so many copies, its message hadn’t succeeded in making wedding nights more explosive. Of the women in my survey who had been virgins when they were married, only fifteen percent reached orgasm on their wedding night through intercourse. Another seventeen percent reached it another way (we’ll talk about that later), but sixty-eight percent didn’t experience an orgasm at all. In fact, even among those who weren’t virgins, in no category did over 50 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse on the night they were married. It simply isn’t that common.

Here’s the way I see it: fireworks are great. Everyone wants fireworks. But the point of the wedding night is that it’s a wedding night. It’s about the marriage. The bliss is that you’re now together in every way. So you can now explore, have fun, and discover all on your own time. For some people, that’s going to mean fireworks right off the bat. For others it may take longer. But it doesn’t matter, because now you’re finally married, and you have decades to get it right!

Remember those 85 percent of virgins who did not have an orgasm through intercourse on their wedding night? Today 63 percent of those women usually or always do, and another 13 percent sometimes do. They got better with time.

I think that’s good news! And so maybe one of the best things that we could do is to stop all this pressure about the wedding night, and start saying something more like: The wedding night is wonderful because it’s the beginning of a journey together. That journey is awesome! But let’s celebrate the journey, rather than expecting the arrival all at once. Perhaps that would calm down a lot of nervous brides!

Personally, I had a horrible wedding night. I was so stressed to do everything right that I totally tensed up. And I felt like a total failure.

I would have been much better off if the wedding night hadn’t been such a big deal. Now some people may argue, “well, the wedding night wouldn’t be such a big deal if you Christians didn’t insist on saving sex until marriage”, but that’s not the issue. Sex is best when you’re married, and God said that’s where it belongs. So that’s non-negotiable. And incidentally, even those who weren’t virgins didn’t tend to have great wedding nights. The problem isn’t that we’re virgins; the problem is that there’s too much pressure!

So I want this post to serve as a pressure valve to engaged women. Don’t worry about it too much, and you’ll have much more fun! Here’s an awesome one that my friend Lisa wrote a while back:

I was a painfully shy, naive bride. I’d never really seen a man full-on naked, and you can forget about having intimate knowledge of too much else. I learned the hard way that not all honeymoon suites are created equal.

Read on to hear what she found about faux fur, leopard prints, and jacuzzis that didn’t work!

Now some of you likely had great nights, and more power to you. But I don’t think that’s the norm. If you had a bad wedding night, can you write a lighthearted post about it, and then link back here so we can all laugh with you? Or just leave something in the comments! Maybe if we got rid of this idea that wedding nights HAVE to be great or we’ve failed then a lot of new brides would start marriage on much better footing! Marriage is so much fun, and it’s an amazing blessing. But give yourself a break. It may take a while to feel totally comfortable. But that’s okay! And the more relaxed and excited about it you are, and the less pressure you feel, the happier you will be.

Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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