The Myth of Sexual Incompatibility

Myth of Sexual Incompatibility
I’m a columnist for Canada’s Faith Today magazine, the magazine for the evangelical Christian community. And in this month’s issue I’m talking about the myth of sexual incompatibility! I’ve written before about how Christians can’t be sexually incompatible, but I thought I’d sum it up in this column.

The evangelical church has found sex.

After years of being rightfully accused of prudery, many Christians have done a 180, deciding that the best form of evangelism is showing the world just how much we get it on. In July 2013, Pastor Joe Nelms of Family Baptist Church in Lebanon, Tennessee started a firestorm when, in his opening prayer at a NASCAR race, he thanked God for his “smokin’ hot wife”. Disgraced megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll was renowned for riddling his sermons with sexual innuendos. Closer to home, Christians are hosting “Passion Parties“, just like Tupperware parties, except without as much plastic, where women can shop for lingerie, sex toys, and lubricants in their own homes, with friends.

The message: sex in marriage is awesome!

But is it? This sexual evangelism caused Rachel Pietka to pen an opinion post for Relevant Magazine saying that “Christians Aren’t Called to Have Amazing Sex.” After all, if we aren’t supposed to have sex until we’re married, there’s no way to find out if you’re sexually incompatible. Obviously, then, God never meant for amazing sex to be a staple of a good Christian marriage.

And so here I find myself in this messy middle, wondering when the church will get our act together to properly evangelize about healthy sexuality.

Let’s go back to first principles. God made sex to unite us in three ways: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, we feel a physical rush, but sex is also designed to make us feel like one–the mystery of “knowing” each other, as the Hebrew word used for the sexual union suggests. This spiritual intimacy then feeds the physical side. That’s why many studies–including my own that I conducted for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex–show that married Christians enjoy sex more. Commitment is a powerful aphrodisiac!

But our culture doesn’t understand that because it has divorced sex from marriage, and then all that’s left is genitalia. It becomes crude and ugly.

And yet the “sexually incompatible” camp pigeonholes sex as well.

If we’re capable of being sexually incompatible, then our sexuality must be something static. She by herself is a static sexual being, and he by himself is a static sexual being, and the two may not match. Not true. God designed sex to be a relational thing. And because sex is far more than physical, as we open up to each other by becoming more vulnerable, more giving, and more trusting, sex will change.

That’s why I hate the phrase “sexually incompatible”. You’re not incompatible; you just have things you need to work out. If one spouse wants to make love much more than another, and this causes hurt, it’s sin, because one (or both) are not loving each other as Christ did. If one is being selfish in bed, demanding unreasonable things, or refusing to learn how to pleasure the other, it’s sin. When physical problems come, and one spouse doesn’t make allowance, it’s sin. If the spouse experiencing difficulties won’t get help, it’s sin, too. If one is using porn or erotica to get aroused, it’s sin. If one is feeling ashamed of sex, that, too, is sin, though it may not be theirs. Perhaps they grew up in a house where their parents made them feel ashamed of the fact that they were sexual, and now they need healing. Or perhaps they were abused (someone else’s sin) and that, too, has impacted their ability to enjoy sex.

Just like in every other area of our lives, our problems with sex stem from either from our own sin (selfishness) or from being
sinned against (brokenness). And so we need to go to God for healing and restoration.

God promised that we could have amazing sex; He never promised that we would.

In the same way that we can’t live a holy life without surrendering more and more to God, we can’t have great sex without surrendering more and more of ourselves to God and to each other. Sex isn’t something that’s static; sex is a journey that married people take as we grow closer to each other and closer to our Maker.

So it’s time to stop seeing sex like the world does–as something only physical–and start remembering that real passion and intimacy come from a true spiritual connection. As we grow more and more like Christ, we’ll feel that passion more and more, and we will have amazing sex. But I still don’t think we should announce that at NASCAR races.

The newest issue of Faith Today has tons of great articles, including an expose on missing aboriginal women; a Q&A with the director of International Justice Mission, which frees child sex slaves (a ministry near and dear to my heart, that our family has recently started supporting); an in-depth examination of the euthanasia debate; and a look at how churches can agree to disagree–graciously. Plus tons of news about Kingdom Matters in Canada!

Check it out here.

31 Days to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.


Archives

Why Your Marriage Needs Community

Why Your Marriage Needs Community

Today please welcome back Ngina Otiende from IntentionalToday.com, as she shares her wonderful wisdom about how your marriage needs community to thrive and grow! A few months ago, I wrote a guest post for Sheila, where I talked about the differences between marriage in Africa and marriage in North America. How in Kenya, and in Africa as a whole, we tend to do life and relationship from a community perspective. Now obviously this is a generalization. There are pockets where this is not the norm … Read More...

Make Up Sex: It's real and it can make your marriage great!

Wifey Wednesday: Is Make Up Sex Real?

It's Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own posts below. Today I want to tackle make up sex: is it real? Is it helpful? Does it actually make us feel closer? A reader sent me this letter: Lately things have been a bit tense in our marriage. (My husband feels like things are fine, but from my perspective, there is a lingering tension).  I feel like we are just snapping at each other a lot and, to be honest, I'm finding it hard … Read More...

Top 10 Reasons Morning Sex can be great for your marriage!

Top 10 Reasons for Morning Sex

It's top 10 Tuesday, and today a brave Rajdeep Paulus (who is really hoping her mother isn't going to read this blog) is going to fill us in on her top 10 reasons for morning sex! Back in pre-children days, hubby and I were younger. Had more time and energy. Making our way into the bedroom early in the evening seemed all too easy--except maybe when the Chicago Bulls were in the playoffs. But really, sex was a priority and seemed like the perfect way to end a day. Sixteen years, demanding … Read More...

Christian Sex Toy Parties: Are they a good idea?

Christian Sex Toy Parties: Are They a Good Idea?

What do you do if you're invited to one of those "fun" sex toy parties? It's Monday, the day when I post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I want to tackle these sex toy parties--especially the "Christian" sex toy parties. Here's a reader's question: I love to read your blog and when I was wrestling with this in my head I was curious what you would do. A good friend of mine has a direct sales business with "girls' nights in" to explore sex toys, lubes, lingerie, other … Read More...

Why Matters Matter: We could all use a little etiquette!

A Little Etiquette: Why Manners Matter

I've been on a mission lately to encourage people to do the little things in marriage--say thank you to your husband, and when he reaches out, reach back. Little things. Not huge things. But they make a big difference. Manners matter. It reminded me of a column I wrote a few years ago about etiquette. We don't like to think about manners anymore--we figure we're above that. But manners had a purpose. See if you agree! I am not one of those people who rejoices in the intricacies of … Read More...

Danica Favorite, a historical romance writer, shares what we can learn about marriages from the past.

A Romance Writer Tells Us What Marriages Of the Past Have to Teach us Today

A big part of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum is letting women in on something that's so obvious we all should know--and yet we often forget. Life is very different today than it was one hundred years ago. Parenting has changed. Marriage has changed. And so if you're wondering what's wrong with you that you can't keep up with the job of mothering the way your mom or grandmother could, maybe it's because we're doing a whole different job today! We sometimes forget that about marriage, too. … Read More...